Take 12 | Fade
Fade
A transitional device consisting of a gradual change in the intensity of an image or sound, such as from a normally-lit scene to darkness (fade out, fade-to-black) or vice versa, from complete black to full exposure (fade in), or from silence to sound or vice versa.
A ‘fade in’ is often at the beginning of a sequence, and a ‘fade out’ at the end of a sequence; a cross-fade means fading out from one scene and into another (often with a slight dissolve or interruption).
The stars looked blurry. But they weren’t. It was something about his eyes, as if he couldn’t focus, as if they weren’t really functioning. Michael blinked and took a deep breath, his gaze still staring at the night sky. Finally, he was able to focus again and noticed one of the starriest nights he had ever seen in recent times.
It was just a small slice of sky. Just a little bit, revealed by the folding roof of the car, which they had opened as they made love in the back seats. Michael’s head was leaned back against the seat, and now he raised it, looking down at Lisa. Not that he needed it, since his senses were on fire, and if so far he had stared at the sky it was only because he was doing his best to control himself and not cause this to end too quickly. This. Making love to her. Or, more specifically and at that very moment, having her love him. Which ultimately was what Michael had missed the most, in the days he had not seen her or heard from her.
The longing had been about as burning and intense as his lust and passion. And the look into her eyes and she glanced up at him spoke of the same feelings.
She had taken off his jacket and thrown it somewhere on the front seats. His shirt was opened on his naked chest. His pants too were unbuttoned and unzipped, slightly lowered on his hips. For a moment Michael wished they were both naked, in the comfort of a bed, instead of a car, like two high-schoolers. But it was what it was and they had to take it that way.
Lisa’s hand was on his thigh, kneading his muscles through the fabric, and her mouth came down again, taking him into her heat for a moment, then letting him go, slowly. Her lips traced a scorching path around his navel, and his abdominals twitched. He saw her smile and couldn’t do anything but grin. She knew just how to love him. And there was something so unique in the way she had taken him and loved him that way. It had been passionate and hot, yes – she was drop-dead gorgeous, her hair a mess, her beautiful dress a bit crumpled, the top lowered, to the point that he could almost see her nipples and the gorgeous slope of her breasts. Her jewelry was still in place and it was one of the biggest turn-ons ever. She had taken him with abandon, the heat almost intolerable, and Michael had forced himself to push back the pleasure. But there was also a tenderness in Lisa, a sweetness, there were care and attention in what she did, and it was all in the way she touched him. In the way her fingertips caressed his skin. In the way her lips kissed him.
Michael had never felt uncomfortable with her. Ever. Never ugly. Never ashamed. Never wrong. Tonight it wasn’t any different. Swallowing he watched her as she traced a trail of kisses up his stomach, her hands caressing his sides and chest. She then kissed his collarbone and pectorals, his neck. Her weight on top of him felt so right, so amazing. The warmth of her body, so vibrant and alive. He framed her face with both hands and kissed her deeply, thoroughly, his eyes finally closing as she caressed his hair and shoulder.
“Lisa… babe….” He spoke in between kisses, letting his fingers run through her long, silky hair.
“What…” She focused on his neck for a moment, her eyes remote. Then started kissing him there once again. Michael shivered. God…
“Say it again…”
Her other hand came up, caressing his cheek.
“Don’t know if I should…” And yet she kept kissing him, anyway. “Not sure it’s the case…”
“Say it…” All the while, he pulled her fully on top of him and immediately her lower body started gyrating against him. Her underwear was somewhere on the driver’s seat. Michael had made sure to get rid of it before eating her out and guiding her through a couple of climaxes, before she reciprocated the treatment, causing him to about lose his mind.
“Mike…”
“I wanna hear it…” His voice was a raspy whisper. He positioned her right where he wanted her, and started sliding against her wetness. It felt amazing.
“What difference does it make?”
There was some sort of disconnection between her words and her actions. It appeared as if she tried to keep herself at arm’s length somehow, while in fact her body was fully adhering to his. Her hands, everywhere. Her lips, everywhere. And those eyes. Michael intercepted them when she pulled back and glanced up at him – and they were blue and deep and crystal-like, enhanced by her long eyelashes and makeup. And he loved how it was slowly fading away. If the night went the way he wanted it to go, the only marks Lisa would sport in the morning would be those lefts by his lips and teeth, gently nibbling at her flesh as he loved her again and again.
“All the difference in the world… I wanna…” One more kiss. “I wanna have it all. Tonight…” And forever, he thought. But he didn’t say it. Just like he did not say he knew why she was wearing that dress and that parure. He just waited instead, taking in a deep breath as his lower body, too, stilled. Waiting for her to say or do something. Anything.
Lisa too stopped her ministrations and he felt her tremble against his body. She caressed his face and stared at him. The blue of her eyes turned moist.
“I love you. I am in love with you.” She tilted her head to a side, ever so slightly, her gaze dropping from his eyes to his lips for the shortest instant, then looking up again. “I never stopped. I can’t. I don’t think I ever will.”
Michael’s throat burned. He opened his mouth and closed it again, and she seemed to hesitate.
“Lise…”
“Did you mean it?”
The back of her fingers stroked his chin. The silence in the car was so complete that he heard the almost inaudible rustling of her skin against his night stubble. Michael knew exactly what she wanted to know.
“Yes.”
“And when… when you…”
“When did I find out?” His turn now to caress her face. He pushed a strand of long hair behind her ear. “When did I know that I love you?”
“Yeah…” Her gaze dropped and he could not tell if she was relieved or worried by the revelation. Maybe both. And once again, he could relate…
“I’ve always known. I just tried to push it away.”
Lisa grinned, almost imperceptibly. She kissed his chest, right over his heart, and the tenderness of that small gesture threatened to kill him.
“I so wish we were in a bed right now…” She raked her fingers through her hair and tried to make light of the situation. It was uncanny how in tune their minds could be. “I don’t want you to hurt your back.”
“My back is fine, but…” His pelvis moved into her again, sliding against her hot skin, forcing her to close her eyes. “…But I agree. Let’s move… this… someplace else. I’d love to wake up and have you next to me… All warm and soft…” His lips found her neck again and her moan thrilled him. Her hand reached down and touched him, then guided him inside her body. Michael bit his lips, the tight, warm sensation too powerful to endure. That first jump always felt surprising in its intensity. He surged into her completely and they both stilled for a minute, just savoring the feeling of being one once again. Knowing that nothing was granted. Not the next morning. Not the next week. Possibly not even that night. Everything felt fleeting and unstable. Flickering, like a dying light in a dark room.
Lisa placed her hands on Michael’s chest and started moving, her eyes tethered to his. He could tell she was struggling very hard to keep control over herself. It was painted all over her face, and he felt it in the way her muscles grabbed him and twitched around him. He didn’t remember having felt so good in… well, since the last time he had made love to her. And the idea of allowing her to make love to him, the way she wanted, setting the rhythm of their dance, felt thrilling all of a sudden. It was something he did not concede easily. Too many trust issues. But not with her. Not when it came to this, at least.
“Yeah… there you go, baby girl… I can feel you grab me….”
Lisa’s eyes fluttered closed for a second, then opened again. They were caught in pleasure.
“Michael… Fuck…” Her movements became sharper, quicker. His hands moved down, on her perfect ass, holding her, guiding her.
“That’s it….” Kissing her again, he spoke right against her lips. “Take it… Come on, baby. Fuck me.”
She stared straight at him and from her flushed cheeks he could tell that his words had turned her on beyond belief. It had been so long since he had asked her to do anything like that – as he usually loved being in charge. Take her. Possess her. Mark her his. Just like he had done at the Hideout.
But not tonight. Not at that very moment. Tonight he wanted and needed to be hers.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah…”
“Then… I wanna have more space. Remember? More time… for this. More of you…” She kissed him again, still moving in his lap, using pretty much the same words he had said to seduce her only hours earlier, at the restaurant.
“What do you want, girl… Tell me….” Unable to help himself, he held her by the waist and thrust upward and into her, making her cry out. Lisa grinned.
“You can be such a…”
“What?” Michael smiled in return, his eyes mischievous.
Her body relaxed, and she bit down on his neck. “…Perfect lover.”
“Mh… So… what you want, baby… tell me. I meant what I said.”
“Shit… I want a bed. More room to maneuver… since you’re so compliant all of a sudden…” She stilled her movements, and before he could say anything, her hand came to rest over his mouth. “No. Don’t. You’re right. Let’s go somewhere. Anywhere.”
Another deja-vu. The magic of their entangled souls humming. Michael kissed Lisa’s palm and she raised her lower body, breaking their intimate contact. From the way she moaned, he knew that stopping right there and then was so very difficult for her too.
“Hey…!” Michael had to chuckle. Despite trying to keep his most honest emotions under the radar, and knowing well that him telling her he loved her had pretty much opened the Pandora’s box, he felt almost inebriated. “Whatcha doing? You can’t leave me like this!” He gestured at himself.
Lisa raised an eyebrow and scooted down his body. Grabbing him, holding him.
“I know how uncomfortable you’re gonna be if we don’t take care of this, first… Lie back, babe… Relax… Let me make it good…”
Then her mouth descended on him.
“Ah…. God… damnit…” Gritting his teeth, Michael held onto Lisa’s hands tighter as she kept riding him with a passion that couldn’t be compared to anything he ever experienced in his life without her. Not before, not after she stormed into his existence like a hurricane of pain and pleasure, heaven and hell.
Through half-closed eyes he watched the triumphant expression on her face, her beautiful lips parted, her hair a mess, falling down in golden tendrils, tickling him. He knew she loved to be the one giving him pleasure. She was staring right at him as she moved, holding his hands above his head, pinned against the pillows – something he usually did with her. Her beautiful, strong thighs kept his lower body prisoner and he stood perfectly still, fighting against the instinct to thrust up and into her and letting her have free reign over him instead. Allowing her to dominate him for once.
It was the ultimate seduction. The ultimate act of trust. The final surrender.
She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his, then kissed him deeply, her tongue sweeping into his mouth. One hand came down and entangled in his sweaty hair, on the back of his head. Michael moaned into her mouth and felt the wall of fire approaching once again. He had been trying to keep his release at bay for a while now, but knew he would not be able to hold on much longer. The pleasure he was experiencing was almost painful in its intensity.
“Like this, daddy?” Her voice sounded breathless and raspy.
God… was there anything more arousing than Lisa conceding him the illusion of power while almost killing him with pleasure? And using that cute, sexy pet name he hadn’t heard in ages again? Michael swallowed and winced.
“Yeah… Keep going… You’re driving me nuts… Oh, girl…”
“I know… Yeah… I feel you… You’re almost there, baby… Almost… There…” Another deep kiss. “…I wanna feel you come…”
“Fuck…” Michael squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and took a deep breath. She knew he loved dirty talk in bed. And it was apparent that she was making this holding on thing extremely difficult.
Lisa’s mouth left his lips and she sat up, resting both hands on his chest, using his solid muscles as leverage as she threw her head back and arched her back, letting out a long moan. He shivered and once again fought against the pleasure mounting. His fingers ran over her torso, her flat abdomen, then his hands caressed her perfect breasts.
“You got no idea…” Panting, keeping her rhythm regular and steady, she found his eyes again as she took his hands, their fingers interlacing. “I don’t think you know how much you turn me on… It’s sick what you do to me… How you make me feel…”
Well, she was wrong about that. He did know. Because he felt exactly the same way.
As a matter of fact, it was incredible that he could still be doing this. He was in his forties, after all. And yet, since they had left the hill and had stepped into his apartment, at the Hideout, they had been all over each other. He didn’t even know what time it was, but noticing that it was still dark outside was comforting. He and Lisa had made love against the door even before they could get rid of all their clothes. For a moment, Michael had forgotten that she was the one in charge and had fucked her hard from behind, the urgency too intense to be repressed, the need to let go too violent to be ignored. His body had released only part of the tension he felt and, unsurprisingly enough, he had needed only a few minutes to recover. This was absolutely crazy.
Her legs still shaky, Lisa had taken his hand and had dragged him to his bedroom, then had pushed him on the bed unceremoniously. Lying there, on his back, Michael had finally gotten rid of what was left of his clothes as he observed her strip for him in slow, tantalizing motions. She was such a temptress. When her hands came up, ready to unclasp her necklace, he spoke.
“No… Leave that on…”
Instinctively, he had reached down and for himself. Lisa had grinned.
“Alright… As long as you keep doing what you’re doing…”
And so it had begun. This night was similar and yet different from what they had previously experienced, only days earlier. There was a desperate, longing quality that made Michael feel almost like they were saying goodbye to one another. The cards being all on the table – their feelings finally bare, no longer hidden behind the crapfest of self-loathing and self-deceiving – were both a capitulation and a farewell. An admission of what they had tried so hard to conceal, a redemption of some sort… but also some sort of closure. The feeling assaulted him again and it was jarring, and he pushed it back, jumping back into the moment head first, once again. As long as there was a minute left, he was not going to let go. He was not going to let her go.
He and Lisa had made love twice, unhurriedly and with utter abandon. Their intimacy complete. Then, as he went to the kitchen to grab something to drink, Lisa had left the bed to take a shower. Michael had walked into the bathroom a few minutes later, and they had made love again as the warm water caressed their bodies. And now, one more time. A never-ending circle of pleasure, a way for them to find each other one more time. Possibly, one last time.
Once again he focused on her and his heart hummed, in perfect sync with his body. Lisa seemed to sense it. She leaned forward one more time and kissed him. Her hands framed his face, caressing his cheeks.
“Does she make you feel like this?” Her words were a husky whisper in between deep kisses. There she was. Michael knew she had been trying to suppress that question for quite some time now.
“No…” He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her back slightly, forcing her to look at him. All the while, his free hand held onto the small of her back, stilling her movements. “Does he…?”
Lisa just stared at him, her defenses coming up immediately. Or what was left of them, anyway. Gritting his teeth, never leaving the heat of her body, Michael rolled over, bringing her with him, landing right on top of her. Immediately, her legs closed around his hips like a vise, holding him inside, despite her eyes still not granting him a complete view into her most intimate thoughts. Her signals were mixed and sudden jealousy and insecurity mounted inside of him. What the fuck was this? Why wasn’t she answering? Was he supposed to believe that stupid, cold guy she accompanied herself with could make her lose her mind in bed? No – it was just impossible. He knew her. He knew how her body and soul by heart. He knew he was the only one who could play her cords like nobody else had ever done. Or at least, that was what he had believed in the past and maybe… maybe things were different now.
“Does he make you feel like this?” Michael leaned up on his elbow and stared down at her. Trying hard to regulate her breathing, Lisa tried to move her lower body, looking for more friction, seeking that pleasure that he now kept skillfully at bay. He pressed his own weight on her and she stilled. “…Lisa? Does he fuck you like this? Does he… make love to you… like this? Like I do?”
Her eyes narrowed and just like that, he knew what she was thinking. During their frantic years post-divorce, they had barely been able to let each other go. Never completely. And yet, the pushing and pulling sometimes had been unbearable. They had fought, yelled, iced each other out at times. Their relationship intense, passionate and volatile as ever. And just as Michael knew Lisa had sometimes tried to erase him from her heart and body by dating other people, she too was well aware that he had done the same thing. There was only one difference: she had never tried to hide it, while to him privacy was everything. She had been plastered in the tabloid press, her pictures everywhere for him to see, and he hadn’t. However, he had always made sure she somehow knew that he was not as alone as he seemed, and that someone was taking care of him – at least from a sexual point of view. After all, Michael always got what Michael wanted.
What had she said, again, about the power they had over one another? Oh, right. That it was “sick.”
Well, she was right. For better or worse, the term was very much fitting. And now all of a sudden Roman had become all the men Lisa had slept with when they were not together, and Zoe had become all the women Michael had slept with while trying to forget he had ever fallen in love with Lisa to begin with.
“Tell me. I want an answer.”
Lisa’s eyes remained stern and composed for a second, then something shifted inside those blue pools he so often had lost himself into. She had been holding onto his sweaty shoulders, her nails almost digging into his skin, and now all of a sudden her whole body seemed to relax. Her grip loosened and, still staring at her, Michael felt her palms run over his back. One hand came up, entangling in his hair, the other caressed his neck. Her lips parted, ever so slightly, and her foot brushed his leg. God…
“Kiss me…” She whispered.
And he did. He bent his head just enough to reach her mouth, and they exchanged a series of soft, gentle kisses. Almost chaste if compared to the way their bodies were intertwined, fused together. Michael’s eyes closed.
“Tell me…” He spoke in between light pecks.
Lisa stroked his hair.
“No… He doesn’t make me feel like this. Nobody else can…” She pulled back and cocked her head to a side, watching him as if it was the very first time. “Only you. Always you.”
She blinked and something shattered inside of him. He didn’t know what it was – but he knew it had become nothing but fragments. Pulverized. Her eyes – liquid. He kissed her again, with more abandon this time, his heart burning, flames devouring him, and her legs opened further, inviting him to move. Implicitly asking him to take her and make her his. And so he did. His rhythm slowing down now as they kept kissing, the wall of fire approaching again – unstoppable, this time.
Michael backed off almost imperceptibly, just enough to be able to focus on her face. He could tell, from her dilated pupils, from her flushed cheeks, from the way her arms closed around him, that she too was trying to resist the hurricane. But it was futile. They both knew that.
“I love you… God, Lise… I love you so damn much… So fucking much…” He didn’t stop his movements as he spoke and, almost in slow motion, he saw a tear appear and slide down the side of her face. Feeling in a trance, he watched that perfect drop stain the pillow, then she broke his daydreaming as she pulled his head down, his mouth over hers, her tongue sweeping in, caressing him, seducing him, talking to him without words. It was too much.
Breaking the kiss he felt his blood thundering in his ears, as his thrusts became more driven and purposeful. The wave invested him and there was nothing he could do.
“…Lisa… baby girl… I’m gonna come…”
“Yeah… Me too… Please, baby, please… please… I love you… I love you.” Another tear. Her hands cradling his head, lovingly. He was lost. He was nothing and everything at the same time.
Their eyes stayed connected. The climax dragged them away with unexpected violence, together.
And he hoped, against all the odds, that this thing they were doing would all of a sudden bring something else. Despite knowing very well that it was not going to happen, as he released into her and powerful thrusts accompanied his orgasm, Michael hoped he could get her pregnant.
“I was thinking about our deep, soul-searching convos… Why do we always speak in bed?”
“Because we don’t see each other that much… outside the bedroom…” Grinning, he reached out and gently bopped the tip of her nose with his fingertip. Lisa’s smile seemed to light up the room. She grabbed his hand and kissed his palm.
“Liar. We see each other plenty.”
“Ah, don’t think so. But still… there’s another reason, I guess.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…” He scooted closer to her. He just couldn’t help it. They were lying on their side, facing each other, their legs entangled, their bodies finally sated as sunrise approached. They were also still naked. Michael pushed her long hair back to take a good look at her face. “You are so beautiful…”
Her eyes sparkled and, although she seemed to be downplaying it, it was clear that his words had delighted her. “Is that your reason? ‘Cause I’m beautiful? Dude… your sight must be going.”
“No, my sight’s fine, lady. Your critical thinking, not so much. ‘Cause you sure are gorgeous. But anyway – no. It’s not because of that.”
“Then what is it?”
Her eyes were tethered to his and he loved to feel her hand on his chest, caressing his skin. Her fingertips tracing the roadmap of discolorations. He never had been able to understand how she could be so unperturbed by that. Lisa never had any problems with his vitiligo. She never had made him feel weird or wrong or insufficient. Quite the opposite. It was simply part of him, to her. She loved him for the man he was.
“It’s you. When we’re in bed, and I’ve worked you over real’ good, you’re very cooperative all of a sudden.” Michael tried hard to repress a smile, but when she snorted and tried to shove him, he grabbed her arm and pulled her on top of him, kissing her thoroughly. There. She was all soft and docile again all of a sudden. And she tasted and smelled so good. How was he going to survive without this? Without her?
“Mh…” Lisa moaned against his lips as she traced his face. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe.”
He backed off and focused once again on her eyes, as he let his hands run over her beautiful, sinuous back. It occurred to him what he already had realized so many times in the past: their bodies fit together so beautifully, like two pieces belonging to the same puzzle.
“How did you manage to escape your boyfriend’s clutches, earlier?”
Lisa bit her lip, her gaze dropping. And yet she didn’t move. It looked like she enjoyed their physical proximity as much as he did. Interesting.
“We didn’t go home together, he and I. When I went back in…”
“With my jacket still on…” Michael’s hands keep wandering.
“No, well. Almost! I gave it back to you!” Lisa grinned, then kissed him again. “I mean, I was cold…”
“I know… You warm now?”
“Yes, sir.” A smile. Another kiss. He could get used to that. If only he didn’t know that it was nothing but a momentary truce.
“Good… Alright. You went back in, then what?”
“Well… I really didn’t wanna go back home with him. But I knew I had to. However, Roman had other plans…” Lisa’s eyes narrowed. “You know he… cares about his business. He was talking to someone… About some deal, I didn’t really understand. I didn’t really listen. He asked me if I was going to wait for him, and I said no. That I was tired. That I would go to my mom’s.”
“And you left… all alone.”
“Yeah. Stopped at Leish’s for about an hour and then…”
“You came to me.”
Michael spoke in a very matter-of-fact tone, but there was no arrogance in his voice. Just a quiet understanding. As he listened to her, he felt her struggle. Wanting to be a good person, or to embody what was socially acceptable, and doing what she just felt was right. He never had that problem, but he realized the world he lived in was so different from anyone else’s.
“I did… I wasn’t sure I would, though.”
“Then why?”
She just shook her head and traced his collarbone, her gaze unfocused for a moment.
“Because pretending that I don’t love you is exhausting, Michael. Way more tiring than sneaking around to see you… be close to you.”
The hint of sadness in her voice couldn’t be hidden. He swallowed, trying hard to control the raising feeling of tenderness. They were vulnerable enough as they were. He needed to keep some sort of composure, for his own sanity.
“I’m glad you came.”
Lisa looked up and winked at him in a sexy, naughty way.
“I’m sure you are.”
He had to laugh.
“What about you, Mike? I don’t think Zoe thought she was going to be dumped.”
“I didn’t dump her. She was supposed to go back to her place anyway. Which she did.” True. But she also expected him to stay. Which he hadn’t.
Sighing, Lisa rolled over and came to rest by his side. Michael frowned, wondering if he had said something to push her away. But no, her hand came to rest over his chest, stroking lightly.
“How do you feel about that?” Her voice was very soft, a bit hoarse. He turned his head and looked at her.
“I know I should be feeling guilty. ‘Cause I’m dating her and I’m not supposed to cheat on her. But still… it never was serious enough for us to be exclusive… Or for me to think about… you know…” He shrugged, not really finding the words.
“Commitment?”
“Yeah.”
Commitment. A word that had held so much meaning when he and Lisa were together. It was weird. He never had indeed been concerned about Lisa’s faithfulness. He knew she would not cheat on him. And he had never cheated on her. But after their divorce, in those rare occasions when he had decided not to spend the night alone, he had felt a bit uneasy about having another woman in his bed. He had never asked Lisa if she had felt the same way, but something told him that she had. He could not bring himself to ask her now, that was sure, as the idea of her being in another man’s arms was intolerable to him. Which was hypocritical, and deep down he knew.
“But you, Lise… I know you’re supposed to be in a committed relationship with Roman. I mean, that’s what you told me. And I know you. I know you’re not the kind of woman who sleeps around.”
“I am not. I don’t sleep around. I slept with you.” She scrunched her forehead.
“What’s the difference?”
“You’re not… just a guy.” Oh, great. She was the one struggling with words, now.
“And what am I?”
Her beloved. Her immortal beloved. That was what he was. But she could not tell him that. So she just gave him a vague shoulder-shrug.
“You’re my… ex-husband.”
Michael nodded his head, knowingly. She knew what it meant. That he was aware of how full of shit she was but was going to give her some slack. She appreciated his effort.
“Lisa… There’s something I need to tell you. About last year… the way we broke up. About those things I said to you. And even more than that, the way I behaved. I’m not proud of that.” He closed his eyes for a moment and, when he opened them again, she was looking straight at him. Her face was calm.
“I know I pushed all the wrong buttons. I was…”
“In pain.”
Once again, his eyelids fluttered closed. He was still such an open book to her. It was so scary.
“Yeah. I was in so much pain after the accident… and I had no idea how to channel all that frustration. How to flush it out. I think I ended up lashing out on you. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“It’s OK. I know you weren’t feeling well.”
“And I know my words hurt you so much.”
“Not the way you think.” She shook her head. “Michael… You gotta understand. I know you. I know your mind. And I know how you always struggle to be this peaceful, calm, forgiving being. And you are. You’re amazing and so very special. But you’re also human. You’re allowed to let it all go sometimes.” Taking a deep breath, she propped up on her elbow and looked down at him. “It’s not about what you said to me. It’s about how you pushed me away. You… You didn’t let me in. I don’t know if you couldn’t or wouldn’t, but I know it didn’t happen. And I could not help you.”
She was right. He hadn’t wanted that. Because letting her in would have meant admitting that something was so very wrong with him. And he couldn’t afford that. Not then… and maybe not even now. Despite her being so patient with him, at times to the point that it was clear that she was swallowing her pride, he had pushed her away. And even now, in retrospect, he could still remember her eyes as he said those words to her. The implications of it all. Silently, she had been asking him to just see her for who she really was, to let her be there for him. He had not let her.
“I know.” Words were like stones and he was unable to utter anything else.
“And that’s why…” Lisa took another deep breath. “…That’s why we’re no longer together and we never even talked about going back there. Didn’t you notice? Can’t you see what’s going on here? We make love… but there’s nothing else left.”
He frowned.
“Well, that’s not entirely true. I love you. You love me.”
“Yeah, I know. But we aren’t going back together.” She pulled at the sheet, covering her breast almost in an automatic gesture. As if she wanted to protect herself. “And I think I know why. Because we gave it all. We tried… and we failed one too many times.”
“Lise… what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that we deserve better than the constant pushing and pulling that comes with being together. We deserve peace. We deserve serenity. We deserve to find someone to grow with.” She seemed to study him for a moment. “Do you ever wonder why we’re both with someone else, now?”
“Do you ever wonder why we’re in bed together instead of being with our partners, now?” His observation came out a bit snappier than he intended and he bit his lip.
“See? That’s the point. As long as we fuck, all is fine. But then…” She blinked her tears away. “Michael, I want you to be happy. I want you to heal and not being afraid to let someone in. I don’t want you to be this… pressure cooker ready to explode. I did that to you.”
“You’re pushing me into another woman’s arms? Is that what you’re doing? And you want me to tell you that you should go back to him?” He could not believe his own ears. What the hell was this? And why was he surprised, anyway? He too had provoked this mess. They both had eroded the solid foundations of their mutual trust and, apparently, there was nothing left.
“You wanna know how I feel when I think about you giving it to her?” She set her jaw. “No, you don’t wanna know. And no, I’d hate for you to push me back into Roman’s arms. But that’s not the point. We both decided to move on with someone else. We had been trying for how long, you and I? Years. And where are we? Naked, in a bed. Big surprise. You still couldn’t bring yourself to fully commit to me, and I understand that now. I fucked up the first time around. I ran scared. I am sorry – I told you already. There’s nothing I can do to change the past. And I tried, Mike… Whether you believe it or not, I’ve been trying so hard. It just never worked out the way I hoped. I don’t think I can truly make you happy… And you so deserve to be. We both do, Michael. We both do.”
She just shook her head, and he got it. He understood what she meant.
It was too late.