Take 16 | Deep Focus
Deep focus
Deep focus is a photographic and cinematographic technique using a large depth of field. Depth of field is the front-to-back range of focus in an image — that is, how much of it appears sharp and clear. In deep focus the foreground, middle-ground and background are all in focus. Deep focus is normally achieved by choosing a small aperture. The aperture of a camera determines how much light enters through the lens, so achieving deep focus requires a bright scene or long exposure. Wide angle lenses also make a larger portion of the image appear sharp.
It is also possible to achieve the illusion of deep focus with optical tricks (split focus diopter) or by compositing two pictures together. It is the aperture of a camera lens that determines the depth of field. When deep focus is used, filmmakers often combine it with deep space (also called deep staging). Deep space is a part of mise-en-scène, placing significant actors and props in different planes of the picture.
“Hey, you…”
Oh yeah. Lisa had been asleep alright. And the clash between her raspy, drowsy voice over the phone and the still frame of her perfect, sinewy, naked body on screen did something to him. Michael didn’t know if he was supposed to be embarrassed or comfortable about his own arousal.
“So you were asleep for real!”
“Well… yeah. I told you I was! I just woke up to send you a text.”
“Did you wake up just to send me a text?”
“Don’t get your head all big. I woke up and I decided to send you a text. That’s all.”
Oh, right. That was a bit different. Michael smiled.
“Fair enough. Well then… thank you for your concern. Were you worried about me?”
“No… Not worried. I mean – it’s just…” Lisa yawned, and he heard the rustling of the sheets. He imagined her in the bed they had shared so many times through the years, at Hidden Hills. He wondered what color the sheets were. And what she was wearing. And then he remembered how soft and warm her body always was, when she would wake up next to him. How she would turn and snuggle against his chest, then reach up blindly and touch his face, every morning, as if some part of her marveled at the idea of having him there. When they were together. How good it felt to feel her breath against his naked skin or through the fabric of his t-shirt. All those little things he had once taken for granted looked now sculpted in stone in the yesterdays of his life.
“I know it was a big thing for you, and I just wanted to make sure you were OK… and that the dinner went well… That’s all.” Another yawn. Too cute. “Since, you know, you were all bent out of shape earlier.”
“I see…” Michael leaned back in his comfortable seat, his eyes still fixed on the screen. Watching that version of himself standing at the foot of the bed. That version of Lisa kneeling on the mattress, her arms around his neck. His hands on her waist, holding her close to him. “I wasn’t bent out of shape, though.”
“Oh, yes you were…” Lisa chuckled.
“No, I wasn’t.”
“Whatever you say, Mike. So?”
“What?”
“Michael…!”
Michael laughed. Alright… Time to stop playing.
“I’m… good, I think.”
Lisa took a moment to ponder over his words. And try to interpret his silence.
“You think? You’re not sure you are?”
No, I know how I feel. I just realized I’ve reached crisis point.
But how could he tell her that? Well, maybe he could circumvent the harsh reality of his current situation by taking a more scenic route and trying to snow her. Hoping Lisa would not realize it. Yeah… fat chance. That would surely work.
“No, I’m good. I’m just a bit puzzled ’bout something that has happened as Zoe and I left the house.”
“Uh-uhm. I’m fully awake now. You can elaborate.”
“Oh wow, thanks, Lise…” He couldn’t help but smile again, his eyes closing and focusing on her and her alone, not on the screen but at the other end of the line. “Anyway – She had told me that it would be a very private dinner, and the press wouldn’t be there. Supposedly, nobody knew she and I were gonna be there. Supposedly…”
“Who told you that? Petunia?”
Michael rolled his eyes. Correcting Lisa for the umpteenth time would be pointless. Besides, he had to admit it was kinda funny.
“Yeah.”
“And then? Let me guess. The moment you guys stepped out of the house, the paps were there.”
“In a nutshell, yeah… that’s what happened.”
“That is so not surprising.”
“Lise… But I was surprised. Zoe was never interested in my fame.”
She didn’t reply, but he heard her snort. And in all honesty, he could not blame her because at this point he too wasn’t sure his girlfriend’s interest in him had nothing to do with his public persona and the visibility his fame could bring. As a matter of fact, as they drove back to Zoe’s condo Michael had been convinced she had told her friend at People Mag about the dinner because she wanted the reporters to be there. Why, he had no idea. Publicity stunt? Territorial pissing? Affirmation of some sort? Insecurity? What? Women were such incomprehensible beings.
“Look, it’s not that the press doesn’t know that she and I are dating. We had our very public dinner downtown, and you and Roman were also there… remember?”
“Of course I do. But that was different.” He heard a door opening.
“Where are you going?”
“Downstairs, in the kitchen. I’m thirsty. Why?”
“Nothing. Anyway… why different?” Michael poured himself another glass of vodka and took a sip, letting the liquid warm up his throat. He too was thirsty all of a sudden.
“Because, Michael…” Lisa sighed. “You were in charge of that. I’m sorry to be playing the devil’s advocate here, ‘cause you know I really don’t like the woman, but have you ever thought about how frustrating that shit might be, for your partners?”
“What’s frustrating?” He really didn’t get her point.
“Well… Sometimes you’re a bit… overbearing, honey.”
He noticed the term of endearment and felt the familiar warmth spread inside his chest. However, he did his best to ignore it.
“I’m not… overbearing! I’m very soft.”
“You don’t wanna be bossy. I get that. And you’re also gentle, yes. I know you, I was your wife. But that’s how you act sometimes. Overbearing, that is. I am not even sure you realize it. And you do it in such a sweet way that’s it’s hard not to play along… But sometimes it’s just a bit too much. Have you ever considered that she might have felt a bit out of place, that night at the restaurant? Or… you know, like a prop to you?”
“Never!”
Lisa laughed, and he heard her open a bottle of something. Beer, he was willing to bet.
“Of course you haven’t.”
“Lisa, I didn’t treat her like a prop that night. Or ever.”
“No, you’re probably right, you didn’t. But she definitely wasn’t in control of the situation. She was there because you needed for the paps to see her with you. Do you get what I mean?”
He did…
“Mh. Yeah… I think so.”
“And maybe she felt it, you know? That it wasn’t that you were showing her off because you were proud to be seen with her… but just because you had to. After all, that was the first time you did anything like that… right?”
“Right…”
Shit, Lisa did have a point. It had never even crossed his mind to walk around hand in hand with Zoe. It had been the sex tape that had triggered that dinner. His sex tape with another woman.
“And then, afterward, you didn’t even stay with her. You spent the night…”
“With you.”
He heard her inhale a deep breath.
“Yeah. With me.” Her tone had dropped a bit, and instantaneously Michael focused on her voice even more. If up until that point he had been somehow thinking about Zoe, she had now become a blip on his radar.
“So… You think even Roman felt like a prop, that night?”
Lisa sighed, letting go of part of the sizzling tension that had been galvanizing the whole mood of their call.
“Roman is a different kind of animal. Of course he was going to play along, but he also managed to benefit from that night out just fine. He met a few people, and then was able to close a couple of deals. He’s good at profiting from his association with folks who are richer or more relevant than he is.”
“Is that what he’s been doing with you?”
“…I don’t know. I am not sure. But I don’t think that’s what he’s doing, no. I think he genuinely likes me. But of course… with my name, and after the curve ball Lucky threw at us, you never know what people might be really planning. Likely to drown us in a sea of shit.”
“That was gross. But Lisa, I hope you’re not including me in that category…”
At the other end of the line, Lisa smiled.
“Hey, I doubted your love in the past, but lately I realized that it was a stupid thing to do.”
Michael’s interest piqued. Lisa had never, ever said anything like that before.
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“So… You didn’t feel like a prop that night, at the VMA?”
He was only half-joking. He still remembered how hard she had grasped his hand. As if he was the only raft in the storm. She had been scared shitless to be on that stage.
Lisa laughed without any humor, and Michael heard her walk up the stairs once again. She was probably going back to bed. And talk to him… from the bed? Intimate. And interesting.
“Fuck, yes! You know I kinda did! But I am trying to see things differently now. I mean, I know you weren’t trying to use me. I don’t always know how to figure you out, but I no longer think that’s what was in your mind.”
“Lise, hey – Listen up… I know you were uncomfortable. We spoke about it a million times. But the bottom line is that you never were a prop to me. I was just… so proud to be seen with you. And so, yeah… in a way maybe I was showing off. But still… not because I’m… what’s the word you used… overbearing. ‘Cause I’m not.”
“Yeah, that was the word. So you don’t think you were a bit overbearing that night? Then what were you?”
Michael bit his lip.
“In love, Lise. I was crazy in love and ecstatic to be there with you… With my wife.”
It seemed to him that she was holding her breath. After several seconds, Lisa sighed.
“Wow. Damn. You still know how to woo a woman.” Michael heard the rustling of the sheets. “Let me lie down so I can catch my breath.”
“I don’t care about wooing women.” He laughed. “But I’m glad you felt that way.”
“I was being ironic.”
“Sure you were…”
Lisa chuckled, and they shared some moments of comfortable silence. This was nice…
“You wanna go back to sleep, baby girl?” It was his turn for the old term of endearment. It came out naturally and Michael didn’t even feel sorry for using it.
“Not for now. I’m OK. We can talk some more, if you want…” And sure she sounded as if she, too, was enjoying this. He relaxed more into the chair.
“I would love to…”
“You sound calmer now, Mike. But I’m not sure you’re OK. Where are you?”
“At the Hideout. I needed some time on my own.”
“The paps upset you that much? That doesn’t sound like you at all.”
“Nah, it’s not about the paparazzi per se. It’s…”
It’s just that I miss you. I miss us.
He shook his head, wanting so much to have Lisa there with him, needing her presence, her eyes looking at him. For about a year they hadn’t spoken at all, and he had missed her more than he thought possible. She had been her sounding board so many times, but she had also been her concert pitch every time he had felt out of key. Just like now.
“…I don’t know Lise, I just feel like I’m going through the motions… And I don’t like that.”
“What’s going on? What do you mean you’re going through the motions? You seem very much in charge of your life.”
Did he? If only. No, he was not in control. He hadn’t been in control for a very long time. Overbearing personality or not.
“I don’t feel like it at all. I feel like I been living in some odd, suspended state since the accident in Munich.”
“I know you’re still hurting. I’ve seen your meds… In your bedroom.” Lisa’s tone had turned somber and cautious, and Michael closed his eyes, knowing well that she was testing the waters, but also appreciating her honesty and straightforwardness.
“I know you have.”
“But I’m not gonna say anything. You’re a big boy.”
“Thank you.”
“Just…”
There she went… Of course, she couldn’t resist. Hearing her say that she wasn’t going to judge him was nice, but knowing that she cared felt even better. His eyes still closed, Michael smirked.
“Can I say something?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Just be careful, ‘kay? Don’t make me worry… too much.”
And just like that, the smirk was wiped off his face like a light-bulb slowly fading to black. He felt defeated all of a sudden.
“I feel like I can still do what I’ve always done, but not quite.”
“You mean the dancing?”
Yeah, that too.
“I mean everything. I feel like I’ve been going on autopilot for a long-ass time now.”
“Well – I get that, Mike, I do.” Her voice was now soft, and Michael imagined her snuggled in bed, her long hair like waves on the pillow. It was a beautiful sight behind his closed eyelids. “I know what the accident did to you. That was scary as shit. I was there, remember? Well, sorta… When you allowed me to be…” She smiled, very sweetly. She was calling him out but also doing it in the gentlest way imaginable. Michael appreciated her effort.
“But anyway, you should do what you want. What you desire. And if you don’t feel like doing something, you shouldn’t. Period.”
“I wish I could.”
“You can!”
“No, I can’t, Lise.” His eyes opened and fixed on the screen of his laptop again. Staring at those two people who were familiar and alien at the same time. They had been imperfect then, and he had always sought perfection in his life. He never had been the kind of man to settle for what he had. He had always wanted more. But right then, right there, it became clear to him how much perfection thrived in the imperfectness that he and Lisa had always been.
“Why?”
“’Cause I’m blocked. Like… stiff. Not fluid. It’s hard to explain.” His forehead scrunched up in the effort to find the words. They were nowhere, lost in the fog – his mind a blank slate.
“OK… Tell me the first word that comes into your mind…” There she was again. As if she could read his thoughts.
“Shackled.” That was the only fitting term. The only one that kept coming back.
“Shackled…” Lisa seemed to weigh up the word.
Michael sighed, and more silence followed.
“Do you always feel that way?”
“No, not all the time. I didn’t feel like that when we were, you know… together.”
“But you feel shackled now. After having dinner with your girlfriend’s parents.”
“Yeah…”
Lisa chuckled. “Man… That’s so fucked up, Mike.”
“I know…” He too couldn’t help but giggle. There was a bittersweet quality in the moment they were sharing, but still, it was better than pretending that everything was peachy 24/7, when it was not.
“So, you often feel shackled – but not all the time. That’s progress, don’t you think?”
“Wait a second! Lisa Presley, the constant pessimist, is asking me to see the glass half full. The world’s been turned upside down for real.” Michael smiled and poured himself another drink. “And speaking of glasses…”
“I’m not a pessimist. I’m a realist. You’re supposed to be the constant optimist. Where did that shit go? Start by seeing the glass half full. By the way… whatcha having?”
“Vodka.”
“All by your lonesome? Lame.”
“Yeah… Lame.”
However, the bantering was making everything less lame.
“What are you doing right now, Mike, apart from drinking…” Lisa’s voice dropped an octave, and Michael almost choked on his drink. He put the glass back on the desk.
“To be honest, I had been watching one of our tapes before you sent me that text.”
Why lying? His inhibitions were quite low anyway, and he thought he wouldn’t be able to pretend they were even if he wanted to.
“Oohhh… That’s… interesting. Which one?”
“Lake Como…”
“I see…” Lisa stayed quiet for a minute. Probably remembering. As he turned the volume all the way down and pushed play once again. He didn’t need to use his hearing to recall the moans and sighs and whimpers and dirty words of love Lisa had showered him with. They were printed in his memory. Unforgettable.
“And what would you like to do now, Michael? ‘Cause you know, being there all alone, drinking and watching a sex tape doesn’t sound like the highlight of anyone’s night…”
“It isn’t.” His eyes stayed fixed on the screen. Watching himself standing at the foot of the bed, Lisa’s legs hooked over his forearms as he moved inside of her. Something in his lower region stirred for the umpteenth time. “The highlight of my night is talking to you… even though, I’d rather prefer to have you here…”
“Michael…” Lisa warned him. But her warning was half-assed at best, and he knew it. They knew each other so very well.
“Hey – but you’re not here! We ain’t doing anything. I’m allowed to speak freely, right?”
“I guess so…”
“What’s the highlight of your night, Lise?” He swallowed, and watched himself lean forward and capture her mouth in a scorching kiss as he kept thrusting into her. Her arms around his neck. One hand buried in his hair, the other pressed against his back, holding onto him. Her tongue in his mouth.
“Being like this with you. Feeling you open up with me… talk to me… no barriers between us… except, you know… The phone.”
Her confession stung and hurt him in all the right places. Michael reached down and unbuttoned his pants, just to be a little more comfortable. No barriers… Well, almost.
“And what are we supposed to do with this realization, Lise…”
“That’s an interesting question. Are you tipsy?”
“Maybe a bit. Does it matter?”
“…No.”
“So you’re gonna drive over to my condo?”
“No… But I can keep talking to you, if you want me to.”
“Why aren’t you driving over here, Lisa Marie…” Michael knew very well what his tone did to her. And he used it at his own advantage.
“Because you know very well what we would be doing, if I did…”
“No, I don’t. Last time I saw you I was perfectly behaved.”
Her raspy, sexy laugh sent shivers down his spine and concentrated in his crotch. Damn…
“Right… You were so perfectly behaved that I felt you poking me from behind.”
So she had. Well – big whoop. He laughed and blushed a bit.
“Oh, I wanted to poke you alright.”
“Careful, Mike… I think we’re stepping out of friendly territory…”
“Maybe not friendly, but certainly familiar.”
“Still… I’m not sure this is what friends do.”
“So? Like I said, we ain’t doing anything. And…” Gosh, had his pants always been so tight? He pulled the zipper down a bit. “…Can thoughts be a sin?”
“It depends on the thoughts…” He heard Lisa turn in the bed. “Michael…”
“Yes?”
“What would you like to do now?”
That question once again. Baby girl was testing the waters and certainly wasn’t holding back tonight. And he didn’t want to be all that pure either.
“You want an honest answer?”
“Always.”
“I would like to have you here, and…” He took a deep breath. “Watch this tape with you… I’d want to have you sit right here in my lap… That’s what I want.”
Lisa sighing in the receiver didn’t do anything to cool him down. Quite the opposite, in fact.
“Well… OK. Let’s pretend I’m there with you. Tell me what you’re seeing…” Her mere presence over the phone became warm and sticky as honey. He was trapped. But not shackled: more like trapped and freed at the same time. “What’s on the screen, Michael…”
“I see us. We’re making love.”
“That’s it?”
“No… It’s hard to explain. We’re perfect, Lise, you should see us. And yourself…”
Another sigh and he felt the warm feeling spreading from his heart down to his limbs.
“Tell me what you see… Describe it to me. I wanna see it through your eyes.”
“You’re clinging onto me. I’m just now kneeling down in between your legs, on the bed. It looks like you’re holding me… With your thighs… You’re so beautiful… And I’m inside of you…”
“Where are my arms?”
“One is around my neck… Your other hand is resting on my chest…”
“You know why?” Her voice was sultry, the words a bit dragged. Michael’s hand reached down. He needed some relief. This was nuts. It was like having her almost touch him. Almost.
“No, why?” He tried very hard to keep his breathing slow and regular.
“Because there’s something in the way your heart beats, when we make love… It’s a magnet for me… I gotta hear it…”
“Damn, girl…”
“Michael?”
“Yes…”
“Are you touching yourself?”
How was he supposed to reply to that? If she asked, it was because she probably already knew.
“Yeah… You want me to stop?”
He was still acting quite conservatively. His palm was only resting over his crotch. Nothing else. And he knew that if Lisa told him she was uncomfortable with it, he would stop. Because he respected her. Because he loved her. Because this was only agonizingly pleasurable when shared with her.
“No… Please, don’t stop…”
What?
“You don’t want me to stop?”
“No… I love it when you do that… You know I do…”
He sure did. But this was unexpected. Or maybe it was just bound to happen. And they were getting better – they weren’t really fucking. They were just talking over the phone. Flirting. Which was a step forward considered the insane attraction they felt for one another.
“Why don’t you do the same for me, baby girl…” Michael’s fingers found their way underneath the elastic band of his underwear, and he let out a sigh of relief, the moment he finally grabbed himself. His skin felt boiling hot. “You know how much it turns me on… How much I wish I could see you right now, as you do that… ‘Cause I know you want it…”
“How do you know…” Some more rustling of sheets. She was turning, likely taking a more comfortable position in bed.
“I can feel it in your voice…” Michael swallowed. “It becomes darker, thicker… whispery. It’s so sexy, Lise. You’re… I don’t think you know what you do to me.”
“And I don’t think you know what you do to me…”
“What are you wearing, girl?”
Her raspy laugh again and Michael smiled. His grip on himself tightened.
“You wouldn’t believe it.”
“Tell me…”
“A g-string and…”
“Nothing else?”
“No, silly… One of your t-shirts… A white, V-neck t-shirt…”
Oh gosh, she was going to kill him if she kept that up. Michael knew some of his clothes were still at Hidden Hills, just like some of Lisa’s clothes were in his private quarters at the ranch, but the idea that she wore one of his favorite t-shirts did something to him. He didn’t think he could get any harder, and yet it happened.
“Turn down the lights, Lise…”
“Yes, sir…”
She was allowing him to be in charge. She knew that was how he liked it… and possibly she also knew that was what he needed right now, especially after their conversation. The one that had prompted him to admit how lost he felt and how deep his crisis ran.
“Michael…”
“What…”
“Can I make a request, please?”
Her soft voice and demure tone almost made him lose it. She was already role-playing perfectly.
“Yes, you can.”
“Could you please turn off the video and tell me what you would do to me right now? And just speak to me in that sexy-ass deep voice?”
Of course, he could. This was a marvelous game of subtle balance. He did as asked and turned the whole laptop off. The room fell into almost complete darkness and he waited for his eyes to get used to the blurry contours of the furniture before speaking again. All the while, he kept focusing on Lisa’s breathing. It sounded slightly uneven.
“Remember when I told you that I’d like to have you here, sitting in my lap?”
“Yeah… I love the feeling of your legs. They’re so strong. I always feel so safe when you hold me.”
“Well… I’d want you to be naked, turning your back to me. Just to see that beautiful ass, and hips… your back… Just to touch and kiss your skin… Before you take me into your heat.”
She moaned, very softly.
“Close your eyes, Lise, and tell me what you’re doing…”
“Will you do the same? In detail?”
“You know I will…”
“Will you come for me, daddy?”
A shiver ran through him and Michael swallowed.
“It would be hard not to. Now tell me what you’re doing… And I will tell you a story…”
And so she did.
“Where did you put me?”
Lisa’s voice made him open his eyes, slowly, and he smiled. Staring at the phone, Michael took a deep, relaxed breath.
“On the pillow. Where am I?”
“Under the sheets with me. I’m cold.”
“How can you be cold, Lise?”
“Well, you got me all hot and now… I’m shivering a bit.” A pause. “I wish you were here.”
He did too. Spooning her from behind, holding her close. He loved making love to her, but he loved cuddling just as much – and Lisa did too.
The night was fading away and they were still together, over the phone. Unable to let go. At one point, after sexing it all up, Michael had told Lisa that he needed a shower and she had replied that he could call her back, afterward, if only he still didn’t feel like sleeping. And so he had.
They had… what? How could he define what they had done? Well, a term existed. They had enjoyed some hot phone sex, and it had been incommensurately more exciting than any sexual act Michael had enjoyed in the past few weeks. It had been sweet and dirty and intimate at the same time. He had been unable to resist Lisa’s heavy breathing and whimpers and whispered words as she did exactly as he told her. And he, too, at one point had been unable to stop himself, the arousal too intense.
Afterward, they had just shared a few minutes of comfortable silence, and then she had spoken again.
“Mike?”
“Mh…”
“It was beautiful.”
“Yes, it was… I loved it.”
“Even though I missed seeing you come for me… You’re so gorgeous when you lose control…”
His eyes once again closed, he had smiled. Yeah, he missed her too.
And so right now, as dawn approached, Michael once again found himself lying down in his bed, in his apartment, after spending some quality time with the woman he was still in love with, just talking to her. Staring at the mobile phone resting on the pillow, on her side of the bed. Her absence and presence occupied the space in equal parts. It was a very odd feeling of longing and completeness.
It had been such a long time since they had played over the phone that way. Sure, it had happened in the past, more than once. Before they got married, while he was getting healthy again after being forced to stop his tour. From the other corner of the world, she had been his lifeline. And then so many other times after that. But not in a very long time.
As his body finally relaxed, Michael realized that he had been paralyzed by fear since he had told Lisa the last words he intended to say to her: that life went on. On, where? How? With whom? The uncertainty of it all once had been tantalizing, but now he was no longer an enthusiastic young man. He was older, tired, and needed a vessel to go through the storm that so often his life was. How naive he had been to think he could do it alone, or with someone who was only at the periphery of his existence. Someone like Zoe.
Spending hours talking to Lisa over the phone, being naughty and yet so open and honest, had come as easy and natural as breathing. Nothing had felt forced and at one point it had felt like the most normal thing in the world. He felt as if their lifeline was being restored once again and now wondered why they both seemed so scared to act. The phone surely was a great buffer.
So were the ten thousand excuses they would always pile up between them. Just like saying that having phone sex wasn’t really cheating but just a way to get over their respective addiction. Some sort of therapy for two people that were supposed to be nothing but friends.
“Are you convinced this is gonna work, Lise?”
“I’m not sure. But this way we can’t really fail, can we?”
“Good point…” Michael smiled, the expression in his eyes bittersweet.
“You feel better?”
“With you, always.”
“Well… That’s what…” He heard Lisa take in a deep, cleansing breath. “That’s what friends do, right?”
“I guess…”
“And I do hope… You know… That one day you’ll be able to feel like this… even without me.”
He took a deep breath, as if he was about to get punched in the gut.
“Is that what you want?” His voice sounded croaky, and he felt tears burning his throat. Even though her silence told him that no, that was not what she wanted. It was only the right thing to say given the circumstances.
“Really a lot.”
Liar.
Michael blinked the tears away.
“Hey – look. You gotta sleep a little, baby girl. I’m sorry I kept you awake all night.”
At the other end of the line, Lisa chuckled.
“Not a problem. It wasn’t the first time anyway. But yeah, I do need a few hours of sleep before the kids wake up. I promised them we would go visit my mother for the weekend. She hasn’t been seeing Ri and Ben a lot, lately.”
“Is Roman going to be there too?”
“I don’t know… I haven’t really thought about it.”
“I see…”
“What will you do?”
“I don’t know. I’d love to work on a couple of songs I haven’t really been able to finish yet, but I am not sure I’m in the right mood. Not feeling really creative right now.”
“What, I thought I was able to improve your mood just fine, Mike.”
“You were… But you ain’t here, girl.”
Lisa stayed quiet for a moment.
“Right… That’s true. You aren’t here either.”
Feeling on the verge of losing it and not really knowing why, Michael swallowed hard and cleared his throat.
“Hey, you know what? I’mma let you sleep now. And I’ll hear from you soon, ‘kay? Just let me know when you’re free, so we can… ah, talk some more.”
“You mean talk, talk?”
“Yeah… Of course.”
“OK… Good night, Mike. Love you.” She did sound a bit sleepy. However, she did something that he had not been expecting and that ended up crushing his heart for real. Before hanging up, Lisa sent him a kiss through the phone. Something she had done countless times when they were still a couple.
Someway, somehow, he was able to close his eyes and drift off, imagining her next to him, thinking that he only needed to reach out to touch her. Feeling miserable and in love and not really knowing what to do with himself, if he opened his eyes only to find out he was still alone.
Hours later Michael woke up with a clear mind and a relaxed body. His mood was quiet and somber, but also relieved, lighter somehow. He stayed in bed for a while, eyes fixed on the ceiling, not really doing anything. Not really thinking but, at the same time, knowing well what he was going to do and how he was going to spend the rest of his day.
As he finally got out of bed and went to the kitchen, drinking some orange juice and staring outside the window, like he would usually do every morning when he was at the Hideout, he turned on some classical music and tried to pacify his thoughts even more.
He allowed an hour or so to go by, just flipping through some documents and scribbling down some lyrics that had popped up in his mind. He didn’t know when it had happened, maybe as he slept. Like a leaf falling from a tree, right? That was how it worked.
And it was the truth. Like a leaf falling from a tree, the realization of what he needed to do had finally come. Even more than that, the realization of what he no longer needed became crystal clear. All of a sudden he saw what kept him shackled, and it wasn’t just the woman he had chosen to be with. It was himself. He was the guard and the prisoner, and he was also the cage. It was the never-ending cycle he had buried himself into. The motions. The medications. The excuses he would make up for himself and his decisions. His inability to face a few issues that were less scary when ignored, but that also became more powerful as they festered in the invisible puddle he had relegated them into. His own behavior – sometimes inexplicable even to himself. His behavior that now needed to be reigned over, if he truly wanted to be happy. His rage – that wrath he would sometimes feel but was also ashamed of, and that he turned into something else. Numbness. Indifference. Apparent placidity that hid an utter lack of interest. Sarcasm – and not in in its healthiest form.
But also so much else, going back to the last year, and possibly even before then.
Who was he becoming? Where was he going? And, more importantly, was that what he really wanted for himself?
A little before noon, Michael called Zoe.
She picked up the phone immediately and sounded in good spirits, happy to hear from him, as if the friction they had experienced the previous night was nothing but a distant memory. She also did not seem surprised – as if she had been expecting his call, or maybe counted on it.
On the other hand, Michael was not making the call lightly and, as a matter of fact, hoped he could get off the phone within a handful of minutes. Had it been for him, he would have snapped his fingers and made her disappear, but he was also aware that icing people out without any explanation was not always the perfect exit strategy. However, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to meet her in person. There was only so much he could do right now, and he knew it was maybe a cowardly behavior, but he was in no mood to see Zoe face to face.
“Did you call me because you’re coming over for lunch today?”
“No… I called you to tell you that I thought about some things. And about last night.”
“It was a lovely dinner, don’t you think? My parents adore you.”
Michael cringed and leaned against the kitchen counter, his eyes staring into space.
“They are amazing people and… I hope they won’t be too mad at me. Or at least that they will appreciate my honesty.”
Zoe laughed.
“When? When you’ll tell them it’s gonna take a while for them to become grandparents?”
That stung a bit. He hated letting people down. At the same time, however, he started to think that Zoe was playing with him. She was too cheerful, a little too over the top, especially because she could tell his mood was more than sullen, and not playful at all. She couldn’t possibly have forgotten in what a disastrous way the previous night had ended.
It was time to cut this short.
“No. When they’ll find out that I can no longer be with their daughter.”