Arcanum 8 – The Chariot
The Chariot is often seen as a conqueror performing powerful actions, or a lover with a triumphant sexuality. Sometimes he heralds a voyage. Some even see him as an announcement of success in television or the movies, because the figure appears in a frame like a marionette in a theater. In all cases this is a card that is moving forward toward success. His sole dangers are the lack of caution and inflexibility of the conqueror who harbors no doubts about the validity of his conquest. A virile and extremely active card, it is sometimes seen as suggesting to a woman that her parents wanted a boy. The Chariot also prompts questions about the methods one implements for acting in the world and the way one is guiding one’s life.
“…My mother is everything that I have left.”
Lisa’s voice was hoarse.
She and Michael were on the bed, and it was late at night. He was lying on his stomach, and was finally able to breathe normally again. He also loved the feeling of Lisa’s head resting on his naked back, using him as some kind of pillow. Her hand was stroking his still sweaty skin and he didn’t know why she had decided to speak up now. But it sure felt amazing. To know that she wasn’t only verbal when they were screwing like bunnies – something that they had been doing non-stop for the past forty-eight hours or so.
The last couple of days had been exhilarating and had felt otherworldly. Truly a first, for Michael. Despite being very careful about shielding his heart from pesky feelings, knowing well that too much intensity in his personal life would not mix well with the cold detachment and absolute focus that he needed to get to the end of his tour, he could not deny that the attraction and chemistry he shared with Lisa were a complete novelty for him.
They had been unable to stay away from each other, and the fact that there hadn’t been any more calls to her mother, or anybody else for that matter, was an added bonus. Michael would never admit it, but he wanted Lisa to be focused on him and him alone. He wanted her lithe body clinging onto him, and needed to feel her writhe and shiver against him, around him. At the same time, however, he was also starting to crave some more emotional intimacy, some more verbal openness. Which was bizarre, for a man hellbent in protecting his own heart as best as he could.
The problem was that things weren’t that simple. And they were becoming increasingly complicated.
Whenever they would make love, both he and Lisa seemed unable to keep their eyes off each other. That was the tricky part. They would drown in each other’s eyes all the time, and those cerulean irises staring back at him as he owned her again and again only managed to arouse him further. Lisa would also speak… Oh yeah, she would indeed speak a lot, but only while they were screwing. Telling him to keep going. Telling him that she loved what he was doing to her. Telling him that she had never felt anything like that. Allowing him to do things to her… Whatever he wanted. The way he wanted. She was game. And God, he was too.
Other than that, she still seemed guarded. She and Michael would spend time just walking around the property, feeding the horses, relaxing near the lake, talking, laughing together. Like two good friends. Until passion would explode again and they would about tear each other’s clothes off.
So, yes. Lisa was shielding herself as best as she could, giving away only a tiny bit of herself. Michael knew he was acting just the same way, limiting his intimacy to strictly sexual territory. Still, he was a master at applying some double standard when he deemed it necessary. He wanted her to behave differently, in order to assess the situation and see if he could do the same.
The discovery of this chemistry he had never experienced before with any other girl was surprising him every step of the way. After their little banter in the stables, the moment Lisa had dropped onto her knees, her small hand closing on him, she had pretty much given him a hint of what she truly liked. Which Michael had taken as a sign of trust -at least when it came to their physical activities. From that moment on, all the bets had been off and he and Lisa had gone at it, no restraints.
She owned keys able to unlock parts of Michael that he had never known existed up until now. At one point, as her eyes pleaded him to possess her, he had felt like a panther on the prowl. He had felt unbreakable, invincible. And he had discovered that his taste, in sex, was darker than he thought. Passionate, but also quite reckless, domineering. Somehow in sharp contrast with the romantic idea he had of a relationship. For a very long time, Michael had struggled to match his public image with his private one, often failing not only to realize, but also to accept, that people weren’t solid colors – they were shades. They were nuanced. They were kaleidoscopes. They were diamonds, with their multitude of different reflections.
With Lisa, the sexual intensity he had dreamed about in his most secret moments of privacy had turned into a real thing. The connection was palpable and breathtaking. It was like a weighing scale. Both he and Lisa were the weights on the pans: after a life of what had felt like complete disequilibrium, they had found the perfect balance beam, and base, in each other.
Her complacent, sexy, playful, daring sexual attitude drove him nuts. Her passion and openness, her lack of inhibitions made him crazy with desire. Her eyes and her voice alone were more than capable of dragging the beast that hid inside of him out of its cave. For the past couple of days, Michael had done so much more than making love to her. He had made her his.
And she… well, she sure had made him hers.
That was why hearing her finally talk to him about something he knew was very intimate produced intense joy and an impromptu sense of pride.
Michael turned his head on the pillow and, out of the corner of his eye, watched Lisa’s perfect, naked legs on the white sheets. Smooth, tanned. He reached out and touched her knee, but didn’t say a word. She stayed quiet for a moment, then her hand came down, coming to rest over his.
“When my father died, my world turned upside down. No, wait… That’s inaccurate. It crashed and burned. I was there… that day is marked in my memory, like a scar on my skin.”
Another long pause. Michael wondered if her simile had been random, after all, because part of their intense physical connection also seemed to be about acceptance. And one time, as she was in his lap and he was sitting at the kitchen table, sinking inside of her instead of having breakfast, he had felt her lips on the top of his head, kissing his scars again and again. For a second he had frozen, stilling his motions, fighting against the urge to run and hide. But then her hips swaying against him, her hands framing his face, tilting it up until she found his lips, her kisses trailing back up toward his temple, forehead, hair again… All of that had nullified whatever intention to stop and cower was blooming inside of him.
“He was my whole world. I was so happy with him… To me, he wasn’t the star, the performer… He wasn’t Elvis. He was just my dad. I loved him with all my heart. And what I felt with him, I never felt again.”
Taking her hand, Michael brought it up against his lips and kissed it. Staying quiet, still.
“So, you know… My mom took complete charge of my life. Which makes sense, as I was so little still when my dad passed. However, things didn’t always go so well. Some of the men she had around… Some of the people that were supposed to take care of me… And some of the decisions she made…” Lisa sighed. “I mean, I know her intentions are good, and that she only wants to protect me. But I don’t always need that. Sometimes it just feels like she’s clipping my wings. Forcing me to do stuff I don’t wanna do… be in places where I don’t wanna be.”
Yeah. He knew all about that. More than Lisa would ever know. That was why he had been somehow forced to develop an inner control that allowed him to handle and often triumph over an environment ready to smash him, too, if only he didn’t pay attention. That was why he was the top dog.
“…Which means that I feel like I constantly gotta keep my guard up. It’s exhausting… And when I was younger… remember when you tried to get in touch with me, a couple of years ago?”
“I do.” Michael kept Lisa’s hand close to his lips.
“Yeah… well, I know what kind of rumors you must have heard about me.”
He didn’t reply, not really sure about what he was supposed to say. Too afraid of messing this moment up.
“…They were likely all true. I was reckless, self-destructive. And in trouble… sometimes… Hooking up with dudes who didn’t care about me. Doing stuff that wasn’t healthy for me. Trying very hard to regain some control over my own life… being defiant and shit. That was my only weapon… My only defense. And sometimes it’s just so tiring.”
Another long sigh and she shifted her position, lying down next to him, on her side, their eyes finally meeting. And hers were more open and vulnerable than Michael had ever seen them before. She was now completely naked, not only stripped of all clothes.
“But then you appeared… Just like that. Michael…” Her hand caressed his cheek. “I need you to understand that I know this can’t be serious… That you are focused on something else right now, something much bigger than this… and I too should start building something for myself… by myself. But still… I need you to understand that you made me feel truly safe for the first time since…”
Her voice trailed off and she lowered her gaze for a moment. He allowed her the luxury of finding her courage again, without interrupting her. Not only because he was enraptured by her words, but also because he didn’t know what to say.
“…And that’s why I’m here. Still. With you, I feel safe enough to let go of all control, to put aside my survival mode… at least when we make love. I don’t know why, but you do that to me. And that’s…” She smiled, but it came out half-assed at best. “That’s the best birthday present I got in a very long time, I guess.”
Michael ignored the knot in his stomach and just smiled at her, bashfully.
“You are the best present I got in a very long time…”
That made her smile.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Raking his fingers through her hair, he pushed her back and came to rest half on top of her. Staring at her for a moment, feeling the words taking shape in his throat but not being able to say them out loud yet, he kissed her. Her body relaxing in his embrace, the scent of her skin. Lisa smelled like flowers and he got lost in her again.
He traced an invisible route with his lips, removing the sheet from her naked body, trailing down, loving the feeling of her fingers tangled in his hair. His mouth on her breasts, her nipples. He felt her heartbeat accelerating under his touch and moved down still. Her stomach, her sides, her flat abdomen. His teeth grazed her hipbone and Lisa moaned, her eyes like burning ice now, looking down at him. Her lips red, moist.
Michael swallowed and parted her legs without asking her to. She, of course, complied. That was their dance, and the routine was slowly becoming familiar. Familiar, but not predictable – let alone boring.
He smelled her arousal and his system went into overdrive. His mouth closed on her sex and this time she cried out, her torso arching. Glancing up, he couldn’t help but notice the shadow of her perfect, perky breasts on the walls. Then her taste and warmth were everything he felt.
“Oh, God… Oh, yeah…” She bent her legs and, all the while, held his head there as he made love to her with his mouth, feeling completely intoxicated in the best possible way. Glancing up, he noticed the expression of complete abandonment on her face.
“You taste like heaven… Do you like this, baby girl?”
What had happened to his voice? Had it always sounded like that?
“Oh, shit… I love it…”
Love it…
Yeah. He loved it too.
Closing his eyes, he focused on her pleasure, his fingers joining his tongue. Lisa’s grip on his head tightened, her thighs quivered. The only thing he wanted was to make her lose control. Just like she allowed herself to do with him.
And when it happened, when she cried out and spasmed against his mouth, he rewarded her with some more strong licks before moving up her body again, kissing her everywhere. She grabbed his head and found his lips and, as they kissed, and Michael sat back on his calves, holding her by the waist. He pulled her closer and Lisa fell back against the pillow. Her eyes were glazed over and her teeth sank into her luscious bottom lip as she observed him through those hooded eyes of hers. She was open and vulnerable to him and he loved having her exposed like that. The tip of his penis caressing her center had the effect of an electric shock to his system and he surged forward, sinking into her, making her whimper – and moaning himself. Hooking her legs over his arms, he started moving and, instinctively, Lisa reached back, holding onto the headboard to grant them both more leverage.
As usual, he could not stop looking at her. Their eyes connected by an invisible string as their heavy breathings broke the silence of the night.
“That’s it… Oh, girl…” Michael tossed his head. “Oh, fucking hell…”
Lisa’s face was flushed.
“You like that, don’t you, Mike…”
How easily their roles could reverse.
“Oh, shit, yeah…”
His movements became sharper, quicker.
“You like it when you take me like this…”
She didn’t sound like she was asking him anything. Hers sounded like a statement, and wonder was there, too.
“Damn… yeah…”
She smiled, breathlessly.
“And I love this. When you drop that polite mask… And turn into…”
He slowed down his movements with great difficulty, letting go of her legs and coming to rest on top of her. He kissed her lips.
“…Into?”
Lisa took his head in her hands, speaking in between kisses. Her voice low and smoky.
“…Into this guy who curses and… Lets himself go completely… No holds barred… And fucks me like nobody has ever fucked me before…” She smiled again, against his lips. “I love this assertive… demanding… commanding side of you as much as I…”
Realizing the slip-up, she stared at him for a moment. And Michael did just the same. Time seemed to take a knee. Then, they both retreated into their respective corners. He jabbed into her and she cried out, her arms closing around his neck.
“Fuck me, baby. Don’t stop.”
After making love up until dawn, they had just quietly waited for the sun to rise and appear behind the hills. As it often had happened in the last couple of days, Michael had spooned Lisa from behind, his lips resting against her naked shoulder. Their eyes fixed on the magnificent view just outside the window.
So peaceful.
Neither one of them had spoiled those last minute they had spent together awake, before they both dozed off for a few hours. Knowing well that their little escapade was coming to an end and their asses were going to be dropped back into reality-land.
After a while Michael had awakened, propping up on his elbow and just staring down at Lisa for a minute. Their last conversation, hushed into the night as they recovered, their bodies still damp with sweat, replaying in his mind.
“My tour won’t last forever, you know…”
“I know… You keep saying that… but how many things can change within a year?”
“I don’t know, Lisa… I’m just saying… My offer still stands… I’ll be within a stone’s throw if you wanna reach out. I’d love to see you again… Spend some more time with you.” He had hoped his suggestive words would hit the target.
She had stayed quiet.
“Do you believe in fate?”
“I believe in God’s plan…”
Lisa had frowned.
“Ah… OK. Well, then. If it’s bound to happen, it’ll happen. Right?”
“Right.”
Well… At least it had been something.
Both they had admitted that they shared a strong connection, and neither Michael nor Lisa was willing to fight it off. Too perfect to be put aside and forgotten. Too rare. That much was more than apparent. However, they had carefully avoided talking about more profound feelings, which was perfectly in style with their attitude toward the world. Gather intelligence as much as you can from your surroundings, but be careful of what you give away, ’cause you never know if, how and when it will be used against you.
Michael had observed Lisa as she slept, noticing how young and serene she looked. So friggin’ beautiful… Damn, the threat was real. He could easily fall in love with this girl.
And yet they had spoken about it and had made their decision after assessing the situation. Their two days at the ranch had been an amazing, unforgettable parenthesis in two lives that were way too complicated at the moment. Michael was about to leave and needed to keep focusing on his tour, his career. He couldn’t allow a woman to distract him – it didn’t matter how gorgeous she was, how connected to her he felt.
Lisa, on the other hand, had to start working for EPE, finally co-managing it with her mother. She had told Michael that she didn’t like the idea of working side by side with Priscilla, but Lisa was the only beneficiary left in her father’s will and she only found it fair to start managing the Trust directly. Or at least, to learn how to do it – and when it came to that, Priscilla surely was the best teacher.
Just a few years earlier, EPE had expanded its operations and had acquired the shopping center plaza across the street from Graceland, turning it into a memorabilia shop. And that had been the beginning of a much bigger plan that was still unraveling. The managing of Elvis’ empire included so many actions and deals – nothing could be done randomly. Everything had to be carefully planned, and planning required the ability to understand the business. Lisa still didn’t have that talent, and she believed that her mother was the only one who could teach her. Lisa was especially interested in learning how to effectively manage her dad’s image and intellectual property and wanted to do it at her best. She knew she would need time to get there. Time – and commitment.
However, Michael had become so much more than a distraction to her. Right before she fell asleep, she had wondered what was in his mind. If he, too, had been more affected than he initially imagined by what had transpired in the past two days. Then she had simply stopped thinking, her body too exhausted to resist the luxury of some rest.
When she had woken up again, he was gone but had left a tray with orange juice and donuts on her nightstand. He was so sweet…
Sighing, Lisa had sat up on the bed and had reached out to take the glass, bringing it close to her lips as she stared into space. It was time to go. The interlude was over.
Michael came back to the bungalow about an hour later, when she had already taken a shower and had finished getting ready to leave. When he knocked on the door, she almost jumped out of her skin and her heartbeat accelerated.
What the hell…
She had to get a fucking grip. He was just a guy. She had to act like a grown-up and realize that this thing that she and Michael had was fleeting, and likely over even before it could really begin. After all, he had been clear about his intentions: if she was up to it, she could meet him around the US and they could spend some more time together. Likely in bed. Or against walls, on the floor… or whatever. But anyway, there was no way to misunderstand him: he had never spoken about a serious relationship, only an affair.
Which was good, right? Since she had so much shit to sort out even without the King of Pop occupying her thoughts. Now, if only she could manage to forget all about him the moment her car drove out of the gates of his ranch, it would be great.
If only.
“Hey…”
He cocked his head to a side and smiled when Lisa opened the door. It all felt slightly different, in the clear light of day. In a day when they both had to leave that place that had become their refuge.
“Hey yourself. I’m ready to go.”
Michael shuffled his feet and lowered his gaze.
“…Cool. Me too.”
A moment of awkward silence followed, then he looked up again and there was no longer shyness in his eyes. No doubt, no incertitude. Lisa opened her mouth to say something, but then he stepped closer and grabbed her by the back of her neck, pulling her against his mouth, kissing her like a madman.
She let go of her purse and didn’t even register it, when it rolled down the few small steps that led to the bungalow. Closing her eyes, she dragged him inside the little guesthouse and Michael kicked the door shut.
The hall was semi-dark, and her back was against the wall before she could even take a breath. However, she recovered quickly and as they kept kissing, she started fumbling with his belt and zipper while he unbuttoned and pulled down her jeans and underwear.
“Step out of them shoes and pants…” Michael’s voice had become huskier. Irresistible. “There you go… Good girl…”
Damn him…
Lisa popped the button open and pulled his zipper down as her lips latched onto his neck.
“Take it out… I need you…”
She freed him from his boxers and they both looked down, panting, then his hand covered hers and she almost went week in the knees. Touching him like this, being guided by him… All this was so fucking hot. And she couldn’t step away from him. She didn’t even want to. She had to have him, at least this one last time.
Gazing up again, their eyes locked and he bestowed a sweet kiss on her lips, as his hand still stayed wrapped around her small fingers, setting the motion on himself. Still kissing her, he made her turn, facing the wall and, instinctively, Lisa knew what he wanted. And shit, she wanted it too.
She glanced at him over her shoulder. His expression was intense.
“Do you want this, girl?”
“Yeah…”
His chest adhering to her back, he kissed her neck, the side of her face and Lisa reached back, finding him, holding him. And guiding him where she wanted him.
When he slowly entered her from behind she cried out, the pressure almost painful. He stumbled forward and she felt his weight against her back, as if he too was surprised by the power of what they were doing.
“Oh, fuck…” He kissed her ear. “Lise… You feel so… fucking… good… I can’t let this end too quickly…”
She turned her head again and found his lips the moment he started to move. The pleasure was almost instantaneous, and she wondered how she would be able to pretend that all this was nothing but a fleeting moment in their lives.
Kansas City, February 23, 1988
She picked up the phone right away and, the moment she said hello, he knew she had fallen asleep. Glancing at his watch, Michael noticed that it was about three AM. Well… he could have waited until the next morning, but he really didn’t want to. He needed to hear her voice.
“Did I wake you up?”
“Absolutely not. It’s still early over here. About… ah, one in the morning?”
He chuckled.
“What a bad liar you are…”
At the other end of the line, from Memphis, Lisa laughed.
“I was just resting my eyes for a moment… Waiting for your call. So…? How did it go?”
“Amazing…” Taking a deep breath, Michael let himself fall back against the pillow. She had been waiting for him. “I wish you could have seen it.”
Yeah… She wished the same. And she was sad that his first concert hadn’t been aired on TV. Maybe it could have alleviated her longing. She hadn’t seen Michael in about three weeks and she had to admit, she missed him. They did speak over the phone almost daily, but it was hard to forget what they could do when they were together. Which was so much more than talking. However, their long conversations had their benefits… Because worst-case scenario, she and Michael were quickly turning into the best of friends, and over the phone they would talk way more than they did when they were face to face. Since in those instances their mouths seemed busy doing very different stuff.
“I know. But hey, like you said, it was great. Which is what matters. And I’m sure you were spectacular on stage.”
“I love it when you say it. Because I know you mean it.”
“I try not to say things that I don’t mean.” Lisa had to chuckle. “So, congratulations Michael, for kicking off the final leg of your tour.”
“Thank you, ma’am. Will you be there tomorrow night for the second show?”
“Stop it!” She snickered again. “Where are you now?”
“Back to my hotel room. The guys went out partying, but I wasn’t up to it.”
“Why? Too tired?”
“Nah. I’m always extra-wired after a show. I can’t ever fall asleep. I just wanted to talk to you.”
Lisa turned in bed but kept the lights off. She loved it when his voice was the only thing filling the space, the darkness of her nights. And she loved that he had come back to speak to her over the phone instead of getting drunk… and maybe getting laid. With someone else.
“Michael… you didn’t come back to the hotel just because you wanted to call me, did you?”
“Ah… I did.”
“But we spoke when – a couple of days ago? Honey, I totally think you should have gone partying. You deserve to celebrate.”
Honey. Michael savored the word and smiled to himself.
“And that’s exactly what I’m gon’ do… celebrate. By talking to one of my favorite people in the world…”
She laughed, once again.
“Why are you such a nut?”
“Why am I such a nut? I don’t know. I think the only thing you can do about it, is bringing that cute little ass over here and finding out by yourself…”
Oh yeah. Michael knew that he was shamelessly flirting, but he was having Lisa withdrawals. He wanted her – badly. It was becoming like a fever. She didn’t have to know that earlier that night, at times, as he was on stage, he had danced while thinking about her, about her perfect body clinging to his, about her taste and scent. But she could know that he indeed had come back to his hotel room because he deemed their little night talks way more important than any noisy party downtown. Not that he could ever have fun at those, anyway. He never went unnoticed, nor he could fly under the radar. While with Lisa he was just Michael, not the superstar. Just a guy. And he loved it.
“Yeah, that would surely help you relax.”
“It totally would.” They shared a moment of comfortable silence. “So… how is it going over there?”
Lisa sighed.
“Good… I think. Except for my mom. She’s kinda driving me nuts. But I got plenty of things to do here at Graceland. I’m learning, and it’s scary as shit to think that, one day, all of this will depend on me. I am not sure I can make it.”
“You can. And you will. You’re smart, and perceptive. There’s absolutely no reason why you can’t do this. Right now, it’s only tiring because you got all that pressure on you…”
“Right… And you know about that, Mike… don’t you… About all that pressure…”
He did. He had known about that pressure since he was nothing but a kid.
Lisa’s tone was back at being that soft, husky caress he had learned to cherish and remember every night, right before managing to fall asleep. She truly seemed to get him, and count on him, and value his opinion greatly. At the same time, she was also a solid handhold whenever he felt too stressed out, or nervous, or anxious about something. She was a calming presence in his life – and not only the amazing body he craved with all his being.
“Yeah. I guess so.”
“But anyway, I’m managing. Somehow. Are you resting, Mike? It seems to me these night calls keep you awake.”
“I would be awake anyway, believe me.”
“Are you still having trouble sleeping?”
“I always do, but it gets worse when I’m touring. I don’t even know if it’s because of the jet-lag or what else… I think it’s because of all the energy, you know…”
“Is there anything you can do to make it better?”
“I have no idea. Usually I stay up until I get real’ sleepy, and then I can rest for a bit. But sometimes it’s just not enough. I guess I should find a way to release some of the adrenaline…”
He heard Lisa inhale a deep breath over the phone.
“You slept well when we were at the ranch…”
“I sure did…” His voice had dropped in color and tone. “I s’pose I had found a way to get rid of all that stamina.”
“I noticed… And are you… you know… planning to do the same, one of these nights?”
Oh, OK. This was really interesting. It sounded like Lisa was fishing. On the one hand, that made Michael smile and gloat inside. On the other hand, his glee vanished the moment he realized that maybe that was what she wanted, after all.
“Would you want me to?”
More strained silence.
“Not sure…” A pause. “Maybe not. OK, fuck it. No.”
And just like that, the glee was back and so was the smile. However, it was time to find out if they were on even grounds. Because Michael had been honest. He wasn’t planning to pick up a girl to help him get rid of all of the tension of the aftershow. Not right now, and not with Lisa occupying so much space in his mind. Oh, and about that…
“Did you see Danny?”
“Yeah, yesterday he came to visit. He was going back to L.A. from Clearwater and decided to stop at Graceland.”
“What for?”
“Well, to say hello. And because he wanted to talk to me.”
Michael shook his head.
“It upsets me, you know? Kansas City and Memphis aren’t that far away. I can’t believe Danny could see you and I couldn’t.”
“Michael…!”
His huffy tone always managed to make her smile. When he didn’t act like a controlling moron, his barely concealed jealousy was funny, and endearing. And sexy…
“What? I’m just saying… Anyway… can I ask?”
“Go ahead.” She was clearly still amused, and her open disposition relaxed him. Lisa was no longer extra-guarded around him. Which was great. He realized that their verbal intimacy was becoming as intense as their physical one. Or emotional one? He was not sure about that. Not yet. The situation was already jumbled up as it was.
“What did he wanna talk about?”
“Well, you gotta remember that I never told him about… you and me. Because really, I wouldn’t have known what to tell him. So you know… He thought that we could…” She wasn’t able to find the words.
“…Resume your relationship as if nothing happened? Is that what he wanted to know?”
“Yeah. But anyway, like I said… Danny and I were never in a serious relationship. I don’t know why you keep going about that.”
“Well, but you were more than friends and a bit less than lovers, right?”
Lisa didn’t reply. She knew he was right. And in all honesty, there wasn’t any other way to describe what had been going on between she and Danny before Michael appeared in her life like a star too bright to be ignored. Besides, he had hit the bullseye: that was exactly what Danny had asked her. Why he and Lisa didn’t seem to be that close any longer. And once again, she had not told him about Michael – only that she was only looking for platonic friendship now, nothing more. Danny hadn’t really bought it.
“Yes. It’s not a secret.”
“Right… Unlike what’s going on between you and me. That’s still a big secret, looks like.”
Now he was no longer being playful. There was a bitter quality in his voice, a hint of insecurity that was not at all about rage. Lisa realized that he was not attacking her or trying to make her feel guilty in time way, shape or form. At the same time, she could tell that something about the way they had decided to live their – what? Friendship? Or friendship with benefits? – didn’t sit well with him. Which was bizarre, since he had been clear: his eyes were on his career, on his public image. They occupied a place of immense importance for him, and it was only fair. There was a reason why Michael had never been linked to anyone but women accompanying him at public events. Never a real girlfriend, let alone fiancee. Part of his charm seemed to be all about being unattainable, supernatural. It was like witnessing two souls living in the same body. The normal guy craving for normal things in life, and the otherworldly creature who didn’t have the needs that regular human beings had.
“Michael…”
“Yeah, I know. That was our decision. It was a stupid thing to say.”
“No, it wasn’t. As a matter of fact, it makes sense, given that you and I spend so much time together even though we’re miles apart. But anyway, since it seems to bother you, the only reason why I’m trying to be private about us is that I like to keep this to myself. Like a thing that I don’t have to share with anyone for once.”
“You don’t wanna share me with anyone?”
“I don’t wanna share what we have with anyone. Which, by the way, protects you too from stupid rumors, thank you very much. Is it that bad?”
He recognized her peace offer. Lisa felt it in the way he sighed into the phone. Relaxing.
“No… It’s not that bad. It’s good. And I like the idea of having something that it’s only ours.”
“I’m glad. ‘Cause that’s what this is all about. Nothing else.”
“So he doesn’t know… Danny, I mean. He doesn’t know about us.”
Lisa took a deep breath.
“He only knows that you and I are… friends. Nothing else. And I plan to keep it that way.”
She bit her lips and winced. The truth was that she wished she could scream it from the rooftops, the way Michael made her feel. But even more than that, it was important for her that he knew that what they had mattered to her, way more than he probably would ever realize. She wondered if he imagined how much time she spent thinking about him every single day. And how, in her heart, she couldn’t resume anything with Danny at all. Not right now. Not with Michael in the picture.
Something else, however, he could know.
“Oh, hey – I almost forgot. I’ve decided to move out and go living on my own. Find a place for myself and all.”
“Really? That’s amazing, Lisa!”
She smiled.
“Yeah. And guess what… You were the last fucking push I needed. I didn’t think I could ever be able to take care of myself, but now… Well, now I think I can. So, you know… Thank you for believing in me. For making me feel so brave.”
“You’re welcome…” His voice was soft again. “But you are brave! You’re fierce! And just so you know, you take care of me perfectly. You did it at the ranch, and you’ve been doing it since I left. You can do whatever you wanna do, babe.”
“Thank you.”
“But I don’t wanna take credit for it. It’s all you.”
“Yeah, but you helped. You make me feel like…”
Like I can do anything. Like I can be anything.
“Yeah… You too…”
Closing her eyes for a moment, focusing on his voice and his voice alone, Lisa bit her lip, hesitating. Then she spoke.
“Michael?”
“Yes?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
She held her breath, then jumped into the void. Asking him what she had been wondering since that kiss on the bench, at the funfair. When he had seemed insecure if she would want him again, once she knew who he really was.
“What happened, in the past? Who hurt you?”
He stayed quiet for a very long time.
“Nobody hurt me.”
Right… Lisa loved speaking to him, and loved pushing his boundaries a little bit. But she also was learning when it was time to relent. And although she was sure that something must have happened, to him, that someone must have broken his heart at one point, she was not going to insist. Maybe he would tell her sooner or later.
“OK… Mike, I think you should try to sleep for a few hours. It’s really late, and you must be exhausted.”
“Yeah… You think you can stay on the phone for a little bit, still? While I close my eyes.”
“Sure. I’ll hang up the moment you start snoring.”
He laughed, tiredly.
“I don’t snore.”
“Sure you don’t. Close your eyes. Rest up. I’ll keep you company.”
“OK… Just stay there…”
Minutes passed, and Michael’s breathing started to deepen. This wasn’t the first time they did this. He seemed to fall asleep way more easily if he knew he wasn’t alone, if he was sure that she was there with him. Which was perfectly fine for Lisa. In a way, it was even safe, although just hearing him breathing was more than enough to turn her to mush. She wanted to see him again with all her heart, and at the same time she was terrified of what would happen. Facing him again, staring into his eyes, being alone with him.
They had stupidly believed that spending hours just talking was not risky. The truth was that they both had fallen prey to their own trap. This emotional intimacy was as risky as their sexual connection.
She was about to hang up the phone when Michael spoke again, and his voice was drowsy, tired and slightly slurred, as if he was caught between wake and sleep.
“I fell in love once… when I was very young… And I thought what I had with her would last forever. But it was all in my head, you know… It was an illusion… I was naive.”
“It’s OK. Sleep, Michael.”
“I guess that changed me… a little bit. I just wanna protect myself. It’s just another fantasy bubble, I know it… but at least this one is safer than engaging in the real thing.”
Lisa was speechless. Somehow, his half-asleep, unguarded words made complete sense and granted her all the clarity that she needed. It was obvious that Michael still had a very romantic idea of relationships. It was so difficult for him to combine that illusion with the sharp reality of a career that didn’t allow any weakness, any slip-ups, any mistakes.
“Thanks for telling me…”
“It’s fine… I trust you…” He snored for a couple of seconds, dozing off, then spoke again. She was not sure he was really awake. “And I miss you, Lise…”
His words, hushed and exhausted, cut her heart open and she replied before her rationale could kick in.
“I miss you too… You’ll see me very soon, I promise. Now get some rest.”
“OK…”
Lisa could not tell if he had heard her, but she now knew that she had to see him and make sure he was fine. If resisting Michael’s charm was hard, not falling in love with his vulnerability was impossible.