Arcanum 12 – The Strength
Strength refers to the beginning of an activity or a period of life placed beneath the sign of instinct, of creativity. It can also indicate problems of a sexual nature, or the emergence of one of the individual’s governing centers that was hitherto hidden and is now seeking expression for the first time. We shall need to ask ourselves if the young woman of Strength is allowing the animal to express itself or if she is attempting to rein it in. After an illness or the end of a cycle, Strength represents the return of vital energy.
Of all the animals present in the Tarot, the lion, which we find in the card of Strength and in that of The World (XXI), is the only one capable of eating the human being. The woman that finds harmony with it represents the most sublime dimension of the soul, the one through which the forces of miracle pass.
Sycamore Valley Ranch, California, September 1988
“Neverland, then?”
Katherine glanced outside the car window as the Suburban slowly drove through the property, directed toward the main mansion of what was once called the Sycamore Valley Ranch.
Michael smiled.
“Don’t you like the name, Mother?”
His mother laughed and turned to look at him.
“I think it fits you. And I think the property is beautiful, especially now that you’ve started renovating it… making it yours.”
“Thank you, Mother.”
“Are you happy you can finally take a break?”
Jesus, was he? Yeah. Very. He was tired and albeit satisfied with how the tour had gone so far, he really needed some time off. He wanted to be home and in the past week or so, while still in Europe, he had been antsy, knowing that the break was just behind the corner. He just wanted to fly back to California and regroup. And finally have the chance to think about something different than his job – which was so unusual for him anyway.
The shows had been exhausting. They had also been a success but Michael was consumed, mentally and physically. His body was there, on stage, and usually his mind was too, but at times he would just space out and his thoughts would go back to Lisa.
After their little sexcapade via telephone, things between she and Michael had cooled down once again. Big time! They both had pulled back as if they had been burned by how easily they could slip into their most common patterns, as if they both needed to find a way to rein them in.
The truth was that even Michael, after that first moment of giddiness that had followed their unexpected sorta-kinda reconnection, had ended up missing her even more. Which was so not good. It miffed him to admit that maybe Frank had been right, when he had told him that he wasn’t really focused as he was supposed to be. Which meant all the time.
Michael felt unbalanced. The desire and longing he felt for Lisa and the inability they had displayed, as a couple, to create some sort of safe zone where they could be whatever they wanted to be, together, keeping the intruders outside and at the same time focusing on their own individual activities, was way trickier than expected. The same could be said about the feelings he felt for her. Tricky. Complicated. Painful, too.
Most of what Michael had come to learn about Lisa’s current whereabouts didn’t come from her at all, but his own people. If anything, his level of fame and influence allowed him to find out pretty much whatever he wanted, about whoever he wanted, all while flying under the radar. The moment he had realized that Lisa was no longer so prone to sharing personal stuff with him, in those rare phone calls they still engaged in, Michael’s feelings had been mixed at best.
At first he had tried to ignore them, stubbornly forging ahead with his job – as if getting fully immersed in it could somehow speed up time or freeze Lisa there and then. Of course, the whole world did not revolve around him and her life had kept moving forward whether he acknowledged it or not. Which brought Michael to the next conundrum: if, by slipping into that hot, brazen, unexpected sex phone session, they had only managed to drift apart even more, how could he simply ask her to be open with him? The last time he had been defenseless and vulnerable, the only way he had been able to convey his feelings was through something as close to physical intimacy as possible. Not really emotional openness. He had been way too proud and bullheaded to tell Lisa: I miss you. I love you. Let’s try again. Let’s find a way to do this.
The reason? Simple. He had no idea how to navigate their relationship any longer. Or maybe he never had. And that was because he had never felt anything like it before. It all had happened very quickly, in the most unmanageable moment ever, and he soon had found out that controlling a love story was way more complicated than dominating his career. Which said a lot. As flawless as Michael the artist was, Michael the man was sorely unprepared in many departments. He had overestimated himself big time. And Lisa… Well, maybe she was way too young and too scarred to handle this at his place.
A motherfucking mess!
So, anyway, after a bit he had started to ask his people to ask their people about Lisa. He would have never admitted it out loud, but he was jealous and not knowing what she was doing, and who with, made him feel even less in control. Being immersed in the most competitive microcosm ever since he was a kid, Michael had been forced to learn to watch his back all the time. To guess and strike first, before he could be struck. Somehow, his life had always been a chess game and it was inevitable that it was. He didn’t know any different. He had never had the chance to learn a different approach.
He didn’t feel guilty about metaphorically eavesdropping Lisa’s whereabouts one bit. In his mind, he was just watching her, observing her from afar, without really intruding. He was also sure that, with time, Lisa too would learn that her name and her inborn celebrity and prestige would give her the same ammo. Eventually, she too would use it at her own advantage if necessary. That was what power was. You could not renounce it – but you could try to use it as best as you knew how.
At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary and Michael’s staff only confirmed what Lisa had pretty much already told him. She was back on track with her father’s business and working her ass off around the clock, as if she needed to distract herself from dangerous thoughts and emotional enigmas. She spent her time between Memphis and Los Angeles, mainly, and she no longer stayed in her family home.
When in L.A., Lisa lived in her own apartment not too far away from Michael’s Hideout. Which, again, he knew. However, when his people had told him, he had felt a pang of… something. The idea of having Lisa in such close proximity to a place he considered his own, so private and personal, did something to him. He started to think that maybe, once his tour would be over, living close-by would be useful for their relationship, but then shook the thought away. What relationship, after all? After the press scandal, which had been fueled for weeks despite Michael’s best efforts to not have those damned pictures published, he and Lisa had broken up. Too scared to face a world that clearly was not fond of their love story. As if their love story was anybody else’s but their own.
But anyway, what was done was done. No need to cry over spilled milk. The only thing Michael could do from afar was to keep an eye on the woman he pretended not to care too much about.
About a month after their last intimate conversation over the phone, he had found out that Lisa had been staying in Clearwater for several days. Doing what, he didn’t know for sure – but he could imagine. Her mother was also there, likely keeping Lisa on quite a short leash. On the rare times that Lisa and Michael had spent together, she had tried to explain more about her religion, but he had been far from thrilled. As a matter of fact, he had no idea how anyone could be intrigued by something that sounded more like neurolinguistic programming at best. He had asked Lisa some questions, but not for a minute he had even remotely considered getting to know her church better. About that, Lisa oscillated between what looked like commitment and complete emotional detachment, which only made sense. She hadn’t had any choice: she had been dragged into the cult when she was nothing but a child, by her mother. Michael knew for a fact – and Lisa confirmed it – that Elvis loathed those people and that his religious views were very different. Maybe Lisa’s confusion came from that, given how attached she was to her dad.
And then there had been that specific event that had driven the wedge even further. Around the same time, Michael had been invited to visit the set of Indiana Jones and, of course, he had been happy to go. Steph and the kid had insisted on going with him and he had relented pretty quickly, knowing well that it would be such a unique experience for them. On the set, Michael had bumped into an old acquaintance – a girl that was there as an extra – and she had invited him out for dinner, just to catch up.
On different circumstances, Michael would have probably said no. Still, the truth was that, since talking to Lisa about Steph and her family, he had started to see them through different lenses. What at first had sounded only like a jealous comment, slowly but surely had become a quite realistic possibility for him too. Maybe Lisa was right, after all. It was apparent that Stephanie and her family weren’t around him because of genuine affection. Theirs felt more like an affectation, which was very different. They loved the spotlight and the financial benefits that being around him granted. And then there were always beautiful places to visit, famous people to meet, unforgettable events to take part in. All on his dime.
Money was never a problem for Michael. He was born poor and knew what it felt like not to have a dollar. Sharing came naturally as breathing to him. However, the more he and Lisa drifted apart, the more her words about the whole matter started to make sense.
“I know you’re generous, Mike. It’s an admirable trait you have… and I love you so much for that…” Lisa had watched him with those bright blue eyes of hers. “But baby, there’s a huge difference between being generous and being exploited. Please… Be careful. I have already seen this shit. I know the damage it can cause.”
She was talking about her father, of course. Surrounded by parasites and vampires, sycophants he could not see.
Dismissing her had been relatively easy, back then. Michael had always made his own decisions, he didn’t need anybody to tell him what he had to do. But then, when she was gone, he realized that hers had never been an order. It had been nothing but genuine concern, because she cared for him. And she had said it – she loved him. He knew she did.
And so later that day, on the movie set, when Michael had realized that he was sick and tired to have those people following him around wherever he went, that extra asking him if he wanted to have dinner with her had felt like the best short-term solution ever.
He hadn’t thought about the paparazzi taking pictures of them as they left together and enjoyed a quiet dinner downtown. Later that night, when he had accompanied the girl home, she had asked him if he wanted to have a drink and Michael had said yes. Because he was exhausted and needed to relax. He hadn’t thought about anything else and had just followed her into her apartment. The upside had been that there were no paparazzi in sight.
The night had progressed smoothly. The girl, whose name was Sarah, had told Michael about her work on the set. They had laughed about trivial things, and then she had ended up confessing that she was no longer with that dude Michael had met once, at a party, years earlier. Once again, Michael hadn’t gotten the hint, because his mind was miles away, back to California, wondering what Lisa was doing and if she was out with someone. Just like he was.
When at one point Sarah had scooted closer to him and had kissed him, at first it had felt like nothing but a gesture of comfort. Within a couple of minutes, the temperature had started to rise – at least as far as she was concerned. While Michael… Well, he didn’t feel internal explosions and dynamite bars going off inside his stomach. Not even when she started to caress his chest, his shoulders, and then down, lower, dangerously close to the most sensitive part of his body. The alcohol he had consumed, after eating very little at dinner, had lowered his inhibitions and slowed him down a bit, but not enough to not end things there and then. And so he had, gently pulling away. He had apologized, telling her that he didn’t feel comfortable being anything but friendly with her. Sarah, albeit flustered and clearly surprised, had backed off and accepted his decision, no problem. He had said goodbye and had left.
Twenty-four hours later, the pictures of him, Steph and her family first, and then of him and Sarah, were plastered on the cover of a couple of magazines. The event was also reported on TV and the titles left very little to the imagination.
“From one lady to the next: Jacko has already forgotten his Princess of Rock’n’Roll.”
Fucking hell!
His stomach had sunk. A feeling of uneasiness had crept into him, mainly because pretty much all the articles stated that he had been seen entering Sarah’s apartment. Once again, a motherfucking mess.
And so later that day, when the concierge had called his hotel room telling him that Miss Presley was on the line, Michael had made up an excuse to not talk to her. Asking the guy to please tell the lady that Mr. Jackson had already left for rehearsals.
From that moment on, he and Lisa had stopped speaking. He had tried to call her back and, of course, she hadn’t answered and they both had stopped trying. Michael didn’t even know why he had never even attempted to explain. A part of him was miffed that she could immediately think bad of him and believe the tabloids, the other was simply worried about her reaction. Scared that Lisa would tell him that whatever they had done in the past was already nothing but regret. And so he had chosen inaction, pretending not to know that it was action and reaction as well.
Less than a couple of weeks later, his team had told him that rumor had it that Lisa was back with Keough. They had been seen together several times after they both had stayed in Clearwater for the past ten days or so.
Michael, his face a calm mask, had felt his heart shatter in his chest and, from that moment on, he had done his best to ban Lisa from his mind. He knew he loved her, and despite his well-trained self-control, he could only pretend he no longer cared about her. He did, but it was pretty evident that she had chosen a different route to happiness.
Why? Haven’t you?
That internal voice – sometimes he wished he could kill it, and never hear from it again. But just like with Lisa, the only thing he could do was ignore it. And if anything, Lisa had taken a stance. It was as if she had decided that she had enough of the complications that came with being with him. That she had had her fair share of lunacy and wanted to settle down a bit, or maybe just needed to be comforted. Michael surely was not there to do that for her. And as much as it made him bleed inside, to know that she was seeing Danny again, deep down he tried to rationalize it as best as he could. Telling himself that she deserved some happiness, some peace. That maybe he wasn’t marrying material after all, let alone the right man for the job.
Then he had just tried to push the thought away. Not always succeeding.
He had gone onstage night after night after night, selling out stadiums, delighting people, creating magic, being the supernatural being that everyone expected him to be. He had pushed aside the man and let the artist emerge and take all the space. All the oxygen, to the point that at times he had felt almost like suffocating.
But he had delivered. Every single time, until the final European concert had put an end to that leg of the tour.
And now he was back home. Ready to celebrate his new house – the same place where he and Lisa had pretty much fallen in love, where they had made love for the first time – with the people that were important to him. That was why he was driving through the property with his mother, sitting in the back seat of the Suburban.
“So you’re telling me that Joseph will show up later?”
“Yes, of course, Michael. Your father wouldn’t miss this for anything in the world.”
Of course he wouldn’t. Joseph had his own reasons to be there, and they had very little to do with his son. Michael cringed.
“And who else is going to be there?”
Not that his mother had decided who the guests would be but hey, Kate could do whatever she pleased. Michael adored her, and he would never do anything to disappointed her. So, of course, he had told her that she was free to invite whoever she wanted.
“Well, I am not sure. I invited all your siblings and their families, and a few friends. But I didn’t want to intrude, Michael. This is your party, not mine, so I made sure to select every single person carefully.”
Michael smiled. He lifted his mother’s hand and kissed the back of it. She just stared at him, grinning, her eyes studying him from behind the lenses of her glasses.
“Are you OK, son? You look so tired. And sad.” Her brow furrowed. “Are you sad?”
She knew him so well. And yet, admitting to her mother that he wasn’t as his best wasn’t a viable option for Michael. He was soft-spoken and polite, but Katherine knew the determination that was at the core of his being. The strength, the resilience. But also the pride and stubbornness.
“No, Mother. I’m good. I just need some rest. But I’m sure I’ll sleep like a baby after the party.”
“Well, then… I hope you’re going to have fun.”
Michael smiled.
“I am definitely planning to do just that.”
The car stopped right in front of the main mansion and Michael glanced out of the window, noticing the full staff waiting for him on the pathway the led to the house. He took a deep breath and opened the car door, smiling when everyone started applauding.
He felt relieved. He had adored having the ranch all for himself – and Lisa – in the past, but knew very well that a couple of people at the front gates and a handful of maids couldn’t be enough to guarantee everyone’s privacy and wellbeing. At times, he really just wanted to be a regular John. A man capable of just walking outside his house without being hunted like a deer. And although he knew that he would never be able to live that way, it was nice to have this new place. This immense property that could become his whole world, where he could be free to recreate a little planet for himself, just to enjoy what was so trivial, so taken for granted, by people who weren’t him.
From abroad, he had directed several different activities at the ranch. From the furnishing of the main house and the guest houses to the garden design, from the dance studio to the movie theater, from the area dedicated to the animals to the planning of further attractions. In Michael’s mind everything was clear: he wanted a movie theater, a real one, all for himself, he planned to have a train to roam the property – and he also wanted a funfair. With a carnival and a Ferris wheel, similar to the one he had jumped onto in Pensacola. With Lisa.
Lisa…
Her face, the brilliance of her eyes intruded his mind once again and he tried to chase the thought away. Not today. Today was about his place, his family, his friends. Today was about him returning home. He had not had the heart to call her and invite her to the ranch as if nothing had happened at all. And on a side note, what was he supposed to do? Tell her that she could bring her new boyfriend with her? No, keeping a distance was a much better solution. His tour wasn’t over yet, and Michael wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. Even telling Lisa that he just wanted to be her friend would have been dishonest. He knew that he longed for her, missed her – both as a lover and as a partner. So it was another no-no.
At first everything was fine and dandy. The mansion was crowded with people – old friends, collaborators, relatives. Kids running everywhere, that made Michael smile and relax. He hoped that, one day, his ranch could become a refuge for those who never had the chance he had in life. For unprivileged and sick kids, in desperate need of some solace and some fun. As he chatted and interacted with several different people, doing his best not to be front and center and planning to just observe everything from the sidelines, his hyperactive mind started to plan every single thing.
Maybe he could recreate some sort of Disneyland at the property. After all, he had plenty of space. He would need many more people to help him manage everything – as he knew very well that he would be able to be there only once in a while – but it could be done. Trained staff, technicians, security, medical help, hell, maybe even firefighters and officers. Just to grant safety and supervision. Yes, it could be done. And he would start working on it right after the tour.
The control over the next steps in his life helped him relax and he grabbed a glass of wine from one of the trays the moment the waiter passed by.
“Thanks…”
“Well, well, well… I wasn’t sure you’d be here tonight. Can you imagine?”
Michael spun on a dime and there he was. Alan. And, attached to his arm, the beautiful Leigh. They were obviously still very much together and they were glowing. Michael recognized the look in their eyes because, as of late and before the external world came crashing down on his and Lisa’s glasshouse, he had seen the same look several times in the mirror. Alan and Leigh were in love. They just didn’t seem to have the whole world against them, poking fun at them. They were lucky.
If Michael looked stunned for a minute, he was able to recover quickly and patted Alan’s shoulder.
“Well, the place is mine, so…”
“Stop bragging. It’s so unbecoming.”
They laughed and Leigh stepped over, hugging Michael and kissing him on the cheek.
“Hey, Michael. It’s such a pleasure to see you again. So sorry I couldn’t say goodbye last time…”
She blushed and Michael had to chuckle again. Oh, he remembered that night very well. The night when he and Lisa and made out like teenagers for the first time. The next morning, he and Alan had sneaked out of Leigh’s apartment like spies and Michael had, in fact, not seen the girl since. Well, she did look good.
“Don’t worry about it. I never had the chance to say, thank you for the beautiful evening.”
Leigh smiled.
“Hey, thank you! Now I can say I had the king of pop over for dinner.”
“Nah, no king of pop. Not tonight. I’m just Michael.”
“What about Lisa, Mike?” Alan chimed in. It felt like a blade in Michael’s heart again, but the mask was solidly in its place.
“I don’t know. What about her?”
“Well, shouldn’t you be with her? You’ve always been such a gentleman, I’m surprised… And not in a good way.”
Michael’s eyebrows sprung up in genuine surprise.
“Shouldn’t I be what?”
“Shouldn’t you be with her.” Alan shrugged, then pointed his finger to the opposite side of the enormous room. “I mean, she’s right there, all alone.”
The champagne Michael had been drinking was clearly having an effect on him, because his ears started to buzz and he felt his face suddenly very warm. Or maybe it had been just that surprise attack. A sense of vertigo assaulted him. Not feeling ready to face her, he kept staring at Alan stubbornly.
“Lisa’s here?”
“Michael, are you OK?” Leigh cocked her head to a side and watched him with concern in her eyes. “Of course she is. We just spent about half an hour with her before finally spotting you.”
“So you guys are here together…” Michael gulped down what was left of his wine.
“No – I mean, we met her here.” Leigh nibbled on a vol-au-vent. “She was already at the ranch when we arrived.”
“That’s why we assumed she was here with you.” Alan touched his forearm and Michael almost jumped out of his skin. “You sure you feeling OK?”
“Yeah. I just need a minute. I’ll see you later, OK? There’s something I gotta do.”
Lisa watched Michael from afar, then hid behind a small group of people, knowing well that he hadn’t spotted her so far.
God… He looked great. Tired maybe, but still so otherworldly beautiful, just like he had looked the last time she had seen him. In this very same place.
Only, this time everything was different to the point that even the surroundings were no longer the same. What back then had been a quiet, deserted place with minimal furnishing, to the point that she and Michael had stayed in the bungalows, had now become a party galore. People everywhere. Staff. Food. Drinks.
It was a celebration time.
And she felt like celebrating him, really. He deserved it so much, with all his accomplishments, his commitment, and the good deeds he managed to do for everyone and everything around him. That was what his celebrity was for. Too bad that, together with her name, that same fame had destroyed them even before they could really blossom together.
Now, seeing him for the first time after so many weeks – after a few months, to be fair – wearing his casual red t-shirt underneath a military-style black jacket, managed to make her weak in the knees. That wasn’t surprising. But what shocked Lisa was to realize that she had been even more stunned by the reason why she was there at the ranch – when up until the last moment she had mulled over the matter, sure she would eventually bail. Find an excuse, anything really, to just not accept the offer.
But then of course, she had complied. Mrs. Katherine Jackson held the same quiet power and compassionate charisma that her beloved son had. When she had called Lisa, it had been a total surprise. Even more so had been their encounter in Encino, only a couple of days later.
It all had happened in the past week or so and Lisa still couldn’t believe how prone she had been in complying with Katherine’s requests. Not telling Michael anything. Telling his mother what was exactly going on instead. And then going to the party because she, Michael’s mom, wanted her to be there.
That day, sitting in Katherine’s spacious living room, Lisa had watched her with sad and hopeless eyes.
“I’m not so sure he wants to see me.”
“He does. I know my son.”
She had grinned, in a very dry, unhappy way.
“I am sure you do, ma’am… However, Michael and I haven’t really spoken in… forever. The last time I called him, he was unavailable.”
“Oh, but he does that from time to time. He’s just sensitive that way. Sometimes he just needs some time of his own, to think things through, you know…”
“And then it was me… I mean, I was the one who didn’t pick up the phone when he tried to call back.”
Katherine had laughed, as if the matter was not as serious as Lisa painted it to be.
“Well, then… I guess you too are sensitive and have your moments. And that’s why he likes you so much.”
And so, eventually, Lisa had agreed to drive over to the ranch, on her own. Despite Katherine insisting on having her in “their” car, as she had defined it. The car Michael also was in. But no, Lisa couldn’t bring herself to do that – to see him, surprise him and corner him in such a small space. At least, she felt safer now. She could hide. She could take the time to regroup. She could even leave, if she felt the need to run. And anyway, alcohol was a great way to calm her agitated nerves.
Meeting Katherine had been as unplanned as falling in love with Michael had been. At first, Lisa didn’t even know why his mother wanted to see her. But then Kate had gently coaxed her to come out of her shell and so, once returned to Los Angeles from Clearwater, she had taken a few hours and visited her at the Jackson family house in Encino. The moment she had seen her on the threshold, it had become obvious to Lisa that Katherine knew precisely who she was. Which was weird, because she didn’t remember Michael ever telling her that he had said anything about their relationship to any of his family members. Hey, maybe Kate had seen the Grammy ceremony. It could have been just that and perhaps she was just curious to meet the girl spotting Elvis’ features all over her face.
But no. It was so much more than that. It was clear that quiet, calm Katherine knew way more than she appeared to know.
“Come, girl. Please, make yourself at home. Welcome. Do you want some tea? Water? Orange juice?”
Lisa didn’t know why, by the warmth in Katherine’s voice had caused her eyes to burn.
“No, I’m fine, ma’am, thank you. It’s such a pleasure to meet you.”
And so they had talked. Katherine had told Lisa that Michael had indeed kept it to himself, but that she knew him. The moment she had seen him and Lisa at the Grammy ceremony, she had immediately recognized that something serious was happening. Of course, she had seen her son with other girls before, but this felt different. And so, a few days later Katherine had called Mr. Bray.
Not only was Bill the head of Michael’s security – but he was also a family friend since Michael was nothing but a child. And Bill and Katherine knew each other pretty well.
When Kate had asked him if her sensation was correct, Bill had indeed confirmed that Lisa and Michael were in a relationship. Not because he was a gossipy man, but simply because he was genuinely happy for both of them.
“Bill told me that he hadn’t seen Michael that happy in a very long time.” Katherine had kept observing Lisa, her deep, dark eyes exuding a gentleness and loving nature that Priscilla had never displayed. “And I agree with him. Michael looked so delighted… even that night. Like I said, I know my son.”
Telling Katherine everything had been as easy and natural as breathing. Lisa had simply opened the floodgates and hadn’t even thought about the consequences of her actions. If Michael would have liked what she was doing or not. At the end of the day, they were no longer together and she doubted they would ever be again. And maybe… well, perhaps she just needed to let it all out. Confide in someone. Trust someone, be sure that she wouldn’t be backstabbed. And Katherine looked like an open book.
Because she was.
They had talked for the entire afternoon and, except for some funny, endearing memories of Michael as a kid, the conversation had centered around what had happened, and why he and Lisa had eventually broken up. While Lisa talked, Katherine’s eyes turned sad and remote for a moment.
“Michael… He was born to do something great. But the loss and pain he constantly has to endure are so much, that I don’t know if anyone else would be fit for the job. I don’t know if anyone else would be as strong and determined as he is. However, sometimes he makes rash decisions. That’s just his nature.” She had patted Lisa’s hand. “And probably yours too. You’re so young, Lisa Marie. And this whole scenario would be scary for anybody. Don’t feel sorry for not knowing how to navigate this. You’ll learn. You’ll find the strength.”
Lisa’s gaze had dropped, watching Katherine’s hand resting over her own. Taking a deep breath, she had told her something that she was not supposed to disclose to anyone who wasn’t part of the circle.
Lisa told Katherine not only about how manipulated she felt by her mother, and how the job at EPE sometimes felt like a Damocles’ sword kept hanging over her head. Like some sort of blackmail. She also told Kate how her mom wouldn’t stop reminding Lisa that she was better off without Michael. That them breaking up was the right call, because that man was not to be trusted, that it was so evident that he wanted a piece of the cake. Those were the words Priscilla had used. As if Michael needed to own Graceland or anything connected to Elvis to be great.
And then, Lisa told Katherine about what had transpired after one of her last auditing sessions in Florida. At the headquarters of the church. And finally about what had happened when she had left the building, pissed as all hell, and gone home. Just to turn on the TV and watching the news of Michael spending the night at some girl’s apartment. Getting even more riled up given the circumstances, she had immediately dialed the number of his hotel, knowing well that he was there and wide awake.
It had been then, that Michael had refused the call. And then the next day, when he had been the one trying to get in touch with her, Lisa simply had been unable to bring herself to speak to him and had asked the maid to let Mr. Jackson know that she wasn’t home.
“You both are making a mess,” Katherine had commented with a sigh, shaking her head. “A mess of something so genuine. Why are you two letting so many outsiders decide who you are?”
Lisa hadn’t had an answer to that, and she still didn’t.
The library was huge, and now also finally furnished. She had never seen it like this before, as it still had been some kind of a mess when she had been there the previous time. Books all spread about, piles and piles of books spanning from history to art, from architecture to novels, a massive fireplace and a plush carpet on the wooden floor. And yet she had always loved the quiet space of that room and its surroundings. The study, close-by, just next door. The beautiful French windows facing the garden. And of course, the bathroom where she and Michael had made love in the shower, once.
Now, as the noises coming from the party were somehow muffled by the closed door, Lisa just sat on the floor near one of the towering bookshelves, trying to relax for a minute. It was so peaceful – and still so complicated. Quite frankly she didn’t know what to do.
She wanted that Michael could see her and know that she was there, but at the same time was afraid of his reaction and of the reaction he would have on her. Maybe by finding out that she was there, he would just feel ambushed and the last little red thread that kept them connected would be severed, like a useless thread hanging from a sweater.
Or maybe not. Maybe he would just be happy to see her. The thought made Lisa smile, ever so slightly, and she closed her eyes for a moment, realizing that maybe they would be the only two people happy in a world that didn’t seem impressed at all with their relationship.
She swallowed. It enraged her to think that everyone but the individuals involved in the relationship could decide what the end of all this would be. It also outraged her. Whatever success, whatever celebrity or wealth a person achieved, this was a way too high price to pay, because living, not merely existing, was priceless. And so was freedom.
Oh, she knew what feeling shackled meant. She had experienced it as of late, while in Clearwater – going through her purification path and those long auditing sessions with people she had never talked to before. Being forced to reveal her most intimate secrets, to describe in detail her feelings, emotions, actions. Hers, and those of anybody else involved.
For a long time she had pretended that everything was fine. That she was a good little sheep in the herd, glad to be guided by the shepherds. But when Michael had appeared in her life, everything had changed and she had tasted the sweet flavor of freedom on her tongue again. The last time she had felt so happy and carefree had been with her father who, by the way, had great disdain from the church. But then he had left her, and Lisa hadn’t had any chance but to do what she was told.
Now she had to admit that the brainwashing she had allowed those people to subject her to, lately, had only sorta-kinda worked. In a way, she had hoped that they would be able to erase Michael from her mind completely, allowing her to go on with her life as if he had never been part of it in any way, shape or form. Make the blind forget that she saw the sun once, and she’ll be better.
It hadn’t really worked. Of course, on the surface everything was fine and she had been obedient and compliant, cleansing herself through the various programs, staying on-premises, dating Danny again. But the war within continued and, at one point, without even fully realizing it, Lisa had just exploded. She had launched her grenade behind what she perceived as the enemy lines and the blast had made her head spin. But how free she had felt.
She also didn’t feel remotely guilty for snapping at them. After all, they – the big ones – had been the ones summoning her in one of their meeting rooms after her last auditing session. They had asked her if Michael could be somehow be involved with the church.
Lisa had been adamant. She had replied that Michael’s faith and spirituality were good, and he didn’t need anything else.
Of course, they had not liked her answer one bit. Even less they had liked the fact that Lisa had declared, flat-out, that she wasn’t even going to try to convince him either. And that was not only because they rarely spoke, at that point, but also because it just didn’t feel… right. If anything, being with Michael, around Michael, had made her question her own belief system.
However, as usual she had been naive. The moment the big ones had realized that there was likely not a chance in the world that the megastar would become one of their spokespeople, the disparaging comments had begun.
Why are you attracted to a black man clearly wanting to be white, Lisa?
She had replied that they were wrong. Michael was not like that. Then she had bitten her tongue, aware as she was that he wanted to be private about his skin condition. The rage mounting inside of her had quickly become bubbling lava.
When the jokes about their sex life had begun, Lisa had told them off and had left the room. And then the building. And then the fucking neighborhood, going back home. Turning on the TV and finding out that Michael, apparently, had already forgotten all about her – and had spent the night in another woman’s apartment. Likely in her bed.
She had felt stupid and insignificant, then, but not for a minute she had regretted the words she had said to the people at the church. How dared they. They could not judge Michael. They didn’t even know who he was, if not a picture on the tabloids or a personality on TV. And they had no right to mock him and bully him. She would not allow that, it didn’t matter if she and he weren’t together. She loved him. That much, was clear.
It was clear even when Danny had eventually called her, a couple of days later, asking her if she wanted to see him.
Lisa didn’t know if he had been sent by the church or if the timing was just a coincidence, but at that point it didn’t even matter. She knew Danny had been trying to seriously get back with her since he somehow had come to know that Lisa and Michael had put their relationship on hiatus, or decided to keep it undefined. She suspected that her mother might have been the little bird revealing her secrets, but at that point she was already floating adrift. Too hurt and too tired to fight back and stomp her feet. Too demoralized to stand her ground.
And now?
Well, now Lisa jumped on her feet the moment she heard the door open.
Michael had eventually been able to spot Lisa hiding – or trying to hide – behind a group of other guests. As a matter of fact, the moment he had finally mustered the courage to face her, he had been able to find her right away, even in a mansion packed with people. It was like an invisible thread that kept him connected to her, around the clock. Being able to ignore it was possible only sometimes, and only when they were separated by thousands of miles. But if they were in close proximity, the impact was inevitable.
It was interesting that she hadn’t noticed him staring at her, but after all he knew the place better than she did and knew where to hide in plain sight. And so he had taken a minute or two just to watch her, really watch her for the first time in months.
She still was not a public personality and he only rarely had found pictures or news about her in the news. She was never on TV. She had been invisible to his eyes for weeks on end and now, finally, she was there. Just a few feet away from him. Looking small and forlorn, beautiful and uncomfortable.
Michael’s heart had squeezed in his chest and whatever reservation he had had up until that point vanished. The intense desire to take care of her, and the intense desire of just having her close taking its place.
She wore an elegant evening gown – dark blue – and high heels. Her tanned legs were visible whenever she moved, thanks to the strategically placed lateral vent. Her hair was lighter than he remembered, down on her shoulders. And then he had seen it: Lisa was also wearing the diamond and aquamarine choker that he had chosen for her right before the Grammy ceremony. Not the bracelet, not the earrings. Just the choker necklace.
Michael had swallowed hard. Back then, he had chosen that necklace because he knew it would have looked incredibly sexy on her, and she hadn’t disappointed. She was the perfect mixture of classic elegance and erotic imagination. And he had found himself wondering if Lisa wearing it now meant something. If she wanted him to find her.
Of course she wants you to find her, Mike. Otherwise she wouldn’t be here.
At times, his inner voice had way more clarity than his constant rationale. The moment he had seen Lisa disappear from the living area, he had automatically known where she would go because he remembered what her favorite places at the ranch were.
He had given her five minutes, and then he had followed her to the library.
When he opened the door, he found her standing there like a deer caught in the headlights. Her eyes as mysterious and blue as her dress, their peculiar color enhanced by the makeup.
“Hey…” Michael’s throat suddenly felt parched.
“Hey…”
Clearly she didn’t know what to do. He noticed her eyes glancing at the door behind his back, still ajar. Without turning, Michael closed it, then turned the key into the lock. His eyes stayed on her.
“It’s nice to see you again, Lise…”
“Your mother invited me…”
It sounded as if she was trying to justify her presence there. His mother? Michael grinned. He was only mildly surprised, as Katherine knew him better than the majority of people in the world. And maybe, just maybe, she was playing matchmaker. At the moment, not only he didn’t mind – he was glad his mom had shown more balls than he had displayed up until that moment.
“OK…”
Diplomatic response.
“Do you want me to leave?”
Michael frowned, but his voice stayed even, calm. Inside, it was like trying to tame a volcano on the verge of erupting.
“No…”
“Why did you lock the door?”
That alone should have been an indication that he wanted her to stay. But Michael understood Lisa’s confusion because he felt exactly the same way. Everything was drowned in the intense coral red of desire.
“Because I think we should… talk…”
She stayed quiet for a moment. Then her eyes narrowed.
“Don’t you have your new lady to go to?”
“I ain’t got no new lady.” Michael took a deep breath. “Not sure what you heard, but it’s likely bullshit.”
“Yeah? Well, I gotta go now. Open the door, Michael.”
She walked over, trying to reach behind his shoulders.
“Lisa…”
“What?”
Almost out of his own volition, his hand came up and the back of his fingers touched the choker. The stones and gems felt hard and cold against his boiling hot skin. His eyes moved to Lisa’s face and she saw something there. A trace of openness. A breach, a passage.
Not even years later, Michael would have been able to explain what happened next and who moved first. He was well aware of his hand moving behind her neck and pulling her into him, but Lisa’s hands too had come up, framing his face first, then drowning in his hair as their lips finally met.
It was sudden and passionate and angry, but also glorious. It was pent-up frustration and necessary. It was all they needed and what they had missed with an intensity that bordered pain, madness even.
They didn’t say anything else. They just kept frantically kissing and Michael found himself with his back against the door, grabbing Lisa’s ass, pulling her into him, his hips moving against her. She whimpered and sighed and kept kissing him, her eyes closed, as he bounced her dress up. Needing to find her skin, touch her legs, reacquaint himself with the delicious feeling of that body that seemed to be created just to fit his.
Lisa raised her leg, anchoring it to his hip and he got the hint. Immediately picking her up, still kissing her, he walked blindly across the room and then knelt down on the plush carpet near the fireplace. It was on and the flames were the only source of light in the room.
Within seconds they were lying there, in front of the fire, Michael on top of her, leaving her lips just to start messing with his belt and pants. The vision of Lisa pushing her sexy thong down her legs, and then discard it, about enough to make him lose it there and then. This was complete madness and he hadn’t felt so alive in a very long time.
They were panting. His lungs felt on fire. His hands were trembling and he seemed unable to unbuckle the damn belt.
Lisa sat up, tilting her head up and finding his eyes. Her hands covering his.
“Let me…”
Her voice a whisper.
Michael kissed her again and this time it was slow and gentle. He felt her warm fingers caress the back of his hands and then move them away, slowly unbuckling his belt, unzipping his pants, finding him inside his boxers, freeing him. He sighed.
Then he touched her choker.
“I love this on you.” He kissed her again. “Love you…”
Lisa watched him with her brilliant blue eyes, then pulled his head down again, kissing him deeply, their tongues gliding against each other. Michael did what felt natural to him and pushed her back gently, until she lay down.
Then he was on top of her again. Not inside of her, just caressing her center with his steel. The way she writhed and moaned, the way her body responded to his made him feel high, almost disoriented.
They moved together like that as they kept kissing, both feeling the urgency within the moment. It was now or never. It was inevitable.
And he wanted to be inside of her. Needed to. The consciousness of it emerged from the instinctive forces that guided him, almost like an act of courage.
Reaching down, he caressed her gently, finding her warmth, his touch light and almost reverent. He knew he was worshiping this. Worshiping her.
“Lisa… Baby…” With his free hand, he stroked her cheek, traced her luscious bottom lip and she captured his fingertip with her mouth, sucking on it. Michael had to close his eyes for a moment and swallow. “I wanna make love to you…”
“And I want you to make love to me, but…”
Oh, no. What was going on, now? He was going to burst. If she asked him to stop now, he would probably die. But he was ready to take the risk if that was what she wanted. Because he loved her more than he had ever imagined, and probably more than she would ever believe.
“But…?”
He hoped his soft voice didn’t convey the raging inferno detonating on the inside.
“I’m not on the pill.” Lisa ran her hand over her forehead. “I had some cleansing sessions and…”
Oh, that was the reason? Michael bent down, his hands cupping her face, kissing her hard.
“I am gonna be careful.”
What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Are you out of your damn mind?
Oh, shut up!
“Really?”
Her fingertips traced his features.
“Yeah…”
Lisa pulled him down again. Her legs propping up, cradling him as he guided himself inside of her, his eyes slowly closing at the feeling of finally going home, where he belonged. Skin on skin, the temperature almost unbearable, he was lost and found. Her torso arching as she held onto his shoulders, welcoming him, doing her best to adjust to him. She felt as if she hadn’t made love in centuries and he sure hoped it was just like that. He couldn’t bear the idea of her being with any other man, which was absurd and selfish given the decision they had made – together. But still, he couldn’t help it.
Their eyes locked, invisibly connected, they started to move together and it wasn’t slow or gentle. It was hot and passionate – they seized the moment, very much aware of the people in the other room. Safe in their little shelter, but not for long.
And the powerfulness of it all was too much, anyway. Lisa came and fireworks exploded in Michael’s heart. He was deliriously happy to know that they still had that chemistry. That it was just the two of them – the rest of the world outside their bubble, inconsequential, non-existent.
“I love you… Oh, shit!”
He felt her writhe again, her skin covered in goosebumps, her insides spasming and entrapping him and her lips finding him again as they kissed and kissed. He couldn’t wait.
“I’m about to come…”
“Oh, God… Please…” Lisa buried her hand in his hair and her lips touched his ear. “I need to feel you…”
He knew he had to pull out. He knew it was risky. He knew, rationally, that the only thing he was supposed to do was to not finish inside of her.
His eyes snapped open and he found her staring back at him. She hadn’t moved. She wasn’t pushing him away. The storm approached and he was right into the eye of it. He was lost.
“Lise…”
“It’s OK… Stay inside of me… If you want.”
And he did. Because he wanted it without even knowing he wanted it.
The orgasm swept him away like a tidal wave, with such violence that he gritted his teeth as he thrust inside of her with force, as her moans and whimpers guided him toward the shore. Even with his eyes closed, he felt her gaze on him. Anchoring him. Sheltering him.
He didn’t think about the consequences. Or maybe he did, but he didn’t care.
“Oh, goddamnit!”
“Come here… come here…” Her voice a whisper against his lips as she covered his face with kisses. His forehead, closed eyes, cheeks, mouth again. Then his neck. Her lips there, her breath uneven. Her arms around his neck as he slowly collapsed on top of her, his lower body still twitching. Whenever he was inside of her, he never wanted to leave. He felt so safe and perfect there.
“I love you… And I missed you so much…”
They slowly sunk into the silence that followed their frantic lovemaking. The only sound left in the room were the flames crackling inside the fireplace. For a very long time, it seemed to both of them that they were suspended in a world that wasn’t really the world they knew. And yet they were aware it was nothing but a moment of solace. A fantasy, destined to dissipate and crumble like that firewood.
“Danny asked me to marry him.”
Lisa spoke in the crook of Michael’s neck. She couldn’t look at him. Not now. Not while saying this. She could only seek refuge in his body as she bled inside.