Arcanum 13 – The Hanged Man
This card indicates a moment of suspension that we can turn to our advantage for refining our plans in greater detail, self-knowledge, and inner work. It can also refer to a block or an inability to take action. Often this card will let us know that the time is not right for making a decision, that the situation or own view needs to ripen further. The Hanged Man can be literally seen as the mirror or reflection of Arcanum XXI, The World, in which the position of the legs is similar. But the woman at the heart of the Arcanum of The World is dancing, whereas The Hanged Man is at a complete standstill. He represents the immobility that is complimentary to movement, the fetus in the maternal womb, or even the profound contact with the self that gives birth to all realization in the world.
Suspension.
At times, Michael felt as if he had been hung by his feet and was now dangling over a cliff. Or a soft lawn. It was always unclear where he would land if someone cut the rope holding him prisoner.
It was all in his head, though, as his life kept moving forward at a crazy speed, city after city, country after country, stage after stage. Every night felt different and yet the same. Pretty much like the bunch of ladies he had slept with in the past month or so. He only remembered half of them and didn’t even care.
Well, to be really honest there hadn’t been many women at all – at least not compared to the potential his superstar status could grant him – but they had definitely been more than usual. Sometimes, when he felt very, very lonely, they were a nice distraction.
They helped him fucking the loneliness away. But they also helped him to betray a part of himself in the process.
Michael kept pushing on and knew exactly where he had to go to reach the goals he had envisioned all his life, which meant running toward the end of the interminable tour he had been engaged in for almost two years. At the same time, his inner life was just as erratic but the more the weeks went by, the more the challenge of not obeying his heart became overwhelming. Trying to forget Lisa by being too exhausted to think, or by sleeping with other women was not working all the time. Especially when Michael was in that weird state between wake and sleep, emotions and irrational thoughts, and soul searching, tended to become a bit intrusive.
If anything, whatever process he had been engaged in, as of late, was managing to make him humble. Vulnerability sometimes had that effect on people.
That day at the party, in the library, Michael had been stunned at Lisa’s revelation. How long had it passed since they had broken up? A couple of months? And now she was about to get married? To that dude? Despite loving another man?
When he had spoken about the matter to Bill, his friend had watched him with sympathetic eyes. He had also looked deflated. Up until that point, Michael had kept a calm and uninterested facade, but of course the fact that he was still talking about Lisa despite proclaiming to no longer being interested in her was a dead giveaway.
“Michael… What is it, that you feel? How do you feel about all this?”
“About this, what?”
“Well… About Lisa Marie getting married. What else?”
“Betrayed,” he had replied. Then he had bitten his tongue, because in reality he was well aware that Lisa had not betrayed him. She had just been swept away by the circumstances – just like he had. They both had managed to have zero confidence in their potential as a unit, and now they both were moving on.
Somehow.
“Why? Do you think she loved that other guy and strung you along anyway?”
Michael had scoffed, shaking his head. No, not at all. Michael felt the love that Lisa had for him. He knew her and he had also felt the way they had made love, in the library, before she dropped her wedding bomb. That lovemaking – it had happened because she had missed him as much as he had missed her – but it was also about finding shelter. Maybe even about taking cover from a life that someone else was, somehow, deciding at her place. At their place. Michael didn’t like it, but he also understood where Lisa was coming from, as he too had run scared.
“I don’t think that’s the problem, Bill.”
“Then what is the problem, Mike?”
Michael had shaken his head. Nothing. Everything.
“We can’t seem to find a way to…” Words escaped him.
“Manage this? What you guys have? Or had…”
“…Yeah.”
“I think…” Sighing, Bill had taken off his hat and had scratched his head. “I think you both allowed too many people to butt in. Don’t you know that a relationship is supposed to involve only two people?”
Michael had glanced up at him.
“Did you speak to my mother?”
“Does it matter? If anything, at least you know that your mother and I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Lisa Marie. She’s a sweet girl. And she obviously cares about you.”
Bill was right. And yet, Lisa didn’t care enough to wait some more. He had told Bill, and his friend had cocked his head to a side, watching him as if Michael had suddenly grown two heads.
“Are you being serious right now?”
“Of course I’m serious.”
“That’s interesting. Because the way I remember it, she was willing to stand by your side even though you’re so busy and focused on your work. And touring.”
Michael had opened his mouth, then had closed it again. Well – but he had to work. It wasn’t that he had a choice or anything. Lisa had much more free time than he did. He had tried to tell Bill, but his head of security had laughed.
“Right… I see. So the fact that she’s young and just starting her adult life means that she should always be the one standing one step behind? That she can’t make her own decisions?”
“That ain’t it. She did make her own decision. Only, it wasn’t about staying with me.”
“And you did the same, Mike. Didn’t you?”
“I did it for her.”
“Oh, did you, now…”
The half-amused, half-bitter look in Bill’s eyes forced Michael to just shake his head and lower his gaze. He knew that Bill was fond of Lisa and that he recognized in her the same solitude that, in so many occasions, had accompanied Michael. Especially when he was younger – about Lisa’s age. Probably, Bill was starting to be protective of her in the same way he had been protective of Michael since he had begun working for him, so many years earlier. And Bill was rarely wrong.
However, at that moment Michael needed Bill to not be right at all.
Meanwhile, autumn had fully settled in and Michael’s state of mind dangled between feeling martyred and at peace. He was suspended between what he had convinced himself was the right thing to do and what he truly wanted. Of course, he had done his best to rationalize it. He and Lisa had tried – and failed. It happened. People tried and failed all the time, in their careers and personal lives. He was not superhuman and could only do so much and hoped that, one day, that feeling of suspension would simply fade away.
Besides, albeit young, Lisa already seemed to have made up her mind about what she wanted. She had told him, that day, after they had made love with an intensity that had knocked Michael off his feet. When it came to her personal life, Lisa was as determined as Michael was in his business: she knew what she needed and also what to do to achieve it.
That day in the library, after making love, and after hearing her say those words and pretending not to be bleeding out inside, Michael had kept holding her close. Not wanting to let her go, afraid this new revelation would steal her from his arms if only he cut the moment too short.
“I need foundations. I need stability.”
She had murmured the words against his chest, her hand still in his hair. He had felt her warm breath caress his skin through the half-open shirt. He had just nodded his head. He knew that was what she wanted. What she needed. But…
“Do you love him?”
Lisa had stayed quiet for a long time, and Michael had started to think that maybe her answer would never come.
“…Not the way I love you.”
Then she had sniffled.
He had rolled over, bringing her with him, and she had ended up on top of him. He had kissed her again and again, wanting to prolong that moment forever. He was still buried inside of her and had no intention to leave her warmth. Despite having made love to her without any protection whatsoever. He had not cared and, even after they were done, had decided not to reflect upon the fact that he had not cared. Normally, he never engaged in unprotected sex, but Lisa was different. She wasn’t just a girl. She was the woman he was in love with.
Even though she was going to marry another man.
After a while, they had somehow managed to get up from the carpet they had been lying on. Without uttering a word, Michael had waited for Lisa to fix herself as best as she could, in the bathroom. He too had smoothed down his shirt, buttoned it up, fixed his hair. Glancing at himself in the reflection of the French window, he had assessed his condition and deemed it acceptable. If nobody paid too much attention to his eyes, looking distant and feverish, of course.
When Lisa had walked out of the bathroom, she looked lost and confused – as if she wondered how in the world she had ended up being in such a dire predicament.
“Did you say yes?”
Michael was talking about Danny’s marriage proposal.
Lisa had winched, as if the question caused her physical pain.
“Not yet. Still thinking about it.”
OK…
“Are you… gonna say yes?”
“Not sure. But my mother would be glad if I did… That much, I can tell you.”
“Well then, maybe she should be the one marrying him.” He was only half-joking, and Lisa replied only with a half-smile. A tired and defeated one.
“Yeah, I’ll try to tell Danny.”
Now, in retrospect, Michael knew that at that very moment Lisa had offered him an olive branch. That he had a breach to get in once again, if only he wanted to. Or knew how. She had opened that door and was willing to let him in and allow him to change her mind, tell her that she didn’t need to get married to Danny if she didn’t want to.
But Michael had not said another word. He had just nodded his head, feeling powerless and exhausted all of a sudden. And insufficient, as words had escaped him entirely.
It had also seemed to him that Lisa was somehow waiting for him to say something, anything. Instead, she had gotten nothing but silence.
After a bit, she had walked up to him, her hand on his shoulders. She had kissed his cheek, close to his lips.
“Try to take care of yourself, Mike.” She had rested her cheek against his chest for a moment, hugging him. “Don’t make me worry too much.”
Then she had left the room. When he had finally mustered the courage to leave the library, she was gone. Nowhere to be found at the ranch. Just… vanished.
Michael had found out that Lisa was there alone, that she had driven over to Los Olivos in her own car. Smart choice, as she didn’t depend on anyone to leave. And, in fact, she had done just that.
He had bitten his tongue not to berate his staff. Telling them that they should have let him know that Miss Presley was leaving. But what right did he have to stop her, after all? And what for? She was free to do whatever she pleased.
Feeling rattled, he had stayed outside the main mansion for a few minutes, all alone, needing to regroup and waiting for his social mask to snap back into place. Until his mother had come out, obviously looking for him.
“Michael… Where’s Lisa Marie? I saw her just a little while ago…”
“Yeah, uh…” Michael had done his best to appear carefree and content. “She’s gone. She went back home… I think.”
Katherine, a glass of water in her hands, had stared at him, her eyes calm and inquisitive.
“Were you happy to see her, son?”
His throat burned and he had looked down, kicking a little rock.
“Very.”
She had no idea how happy he had been to see her. And how sad he was now.
“I’m sure she told you I was the one inviting her and believe me, I had quite a hard time convincing her that you would have loved to have her here. I am sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand. But I knew you hadn’t called her and you two… Well, you two seemed in dire need of some serious talk.” Katherine had paused, still trying to interpret her son’s silence. “Did you guys manage to talk?”
Ah… Not really.
“A little bit, Mother…”
“And what did she say?”
“That she’s probably getting married… To her ex. Or something.”
Why hiding it?
Without looking up, still evading his mother’s gaze, Michael had heard her sigh.
“Well… maybe you two need to talk some more, then.”
Katherine was right. They needed to talk more and, above all, in an honest and open way. The conversation he and Lisa had engaged in before and after making love had been guarded and reticent at best. Virtuous, nourishing talking hadn’t happened at all. Or at least not in the way it should have.
Swallowing his pride, Michael had called Lisa back a few days later and she had picked up the phone right away. They had spoken about trivial things, nothing intimate at all, and they hadn’t brought up what had happened the last time they had met. Nor the marriage proposal. The heat that usually consumed them – it was put aside somehow. Not put out, but really put aside out of self-defense and self-preservation.
And finally, Michael had left California again – even though almost every show in the final part of his tour was going to be held in the United States.
October passed like a whirlwind between New Jersey, Ohio, Maryland, Michigan, Washington. Never too far away from Lisa, who was still moving relentlessly between Los Angeles, Memphis and Clearwater. She and Michael were relatively close physically, but emotionally distant, each of them enraptured in the fake safety of their comforting and predictable routine.
At the beginning of November, he pretended not to notice that, in the past few days, Lisa had been looking for him more than he looked for her. That she would call him almost on a regular basis, and at times he felt as if she was about to tell him something, something important. Something that would never come. Or maybe that she was waiting for him to tell her something. But his hurt pride petrified him and, when they spoke about absolutely nothing over the phone, he would usually keep his eyes closed and the only thing he saw in his mind was a door slowly closing. Its handle way out of reach.
“Lise?”
“What?”
“Are we trying to remain friends?”
He had anticipated and dreaded her response.
“I think so…” Lisa had exhaled a long breath. “You’re a confusing man.”
“And you’re a confusing woman.”
Which was so very true. She messed him all up inside like it had never happened before and maybe cutting all ties would have been the best choice, for both of them. But no matter what, so far they both seemed unable to deliver that final blow, preferring to dance all around one another like two boxers on a ring.
It had also become trickier than usual, because Michael was now back to California, busy in a series of shows – back to back – that almost didn’t give him any time to rest.
The feeling was weird. When he was on stage, Michael was fine. But afterward, when he was back to his hotel or his Hideout, he would always feel restless and agitated. As if knowing that Lisa was somehow at arm’s reach created some magnetic pull he could barely fight off. Not managing to meet her, see her in person, drop all safeguards, became immensely complex.
He reacted in the only way he knew. Creating more deserted, barren space around himself.
He began to cut her calls short. On his part, he called her only on rare occasions, and their conversations started to feel almost forced. Something they had never been before. Lisa sounded different, and it became clear that she had gotten the message. Michael was pulling back. He was icing her out because there was something about her that he couldn’t really pinpoint. Maybe she thought the same about him and they were nothing but two stupid idiots behaving as if they were five.
The problem was that they were grown-ups and they should have known better.
But the intimacy they had experienced the last time they had met seemed forgotten. It was nowhere to be found and slowly but surely, Michael kept retreating and recoiling, not knowing how to handle the confusion he felt for this girl. And for everything that gravitated around her. The push and the pull, the fear and the desire of being close to her, the temptation to throw every single emotion on the table and the terror of failing again. Since he had failed at the first way-stop.
It was one of those rare occasions when Michael felt so very, very lost.
The more he realized that she had been somehow counting on him and he had disappointed her, the more his emotional immaturity began to take a toll on him. And so did hers. The only thing left to do was cling to rationality and move on for real – not just telling Bill and his staff that he was doing just that.
He became convinced that Danny could give Lisa what she craved for. Physical presence, just to begin with – after so much loneliness. While Michael – well, he was constantly on the move. Always busy recording, performing, creating, traveling all over the world. His free time, his personal life was possibly reduced to twenty percent of his time, if not less. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t planned to settle down for another five years or so.
And then, there was the security factor. Maybe that was another trait that Danny had and Michael lacked. After all, who wanted flames that burned brighter when they could choose a warm, everlasting coziness?
So, yeah. Too many doubts, too many fears to actually bet everything on one single number on the roulette. His own number.
It was inevitable that the dam would crack open, after the constant grinding of thoughts and paranoias.
One night, while Michael was in his hotel room and felt particularly erratic, Lisa had called.
He was exhausted, hadn’t slept well in several days, and knew that he wasn’t lucid enough to have a decent conversation. He was upset, he missed her and as usual couldn’t admit it – not even to himself. The cherry on top had been that, according to his people, Danny was always tagging along. Wherever Lisa went, he was there with her. Obviously, something was happening behind the scenes and Michael didn’t know what it was. The press, strangely enough, hadn’t been of any help. Whatever Lisa was doing, it was under the radar.
It had infuriated Michael. It had made him jealous and he had sworn to himself that he would never allow himself to feel like that for a woman. Ever again. Not after that very first time, when he had been young and naive.
That night, when he had been told that Lisa was on the phone, he should have declined the call. Instead he had accepted it. And that had been his biggest mistake.
Over the phone, Lisa had seemed happy to hear from him. Guarded, but relieved that he had taken her call. She hadn’t said anything of that sort, of course, but Michael had learned to read her voice, the little nuances, the drops in octaves. And her laugh. How much he loved that. His excellent hearing and unborn sensitivity allowed him to figure out right away if she was genuinely amused, nervous, or embarrassed.
That night she sounded calm, content. In dire need to feel closer to him, Michael could tell. What he could not understand was why that realization upset him that much. Why it enraged him.
At first everything had sounded pretty much normal. Lisa had asked him about his shows, then about his sleep patterns. She had asked him if he ate regularly. Her concern and genuine care had chipped at him and made him bleed. Why was she still worrying about him? She was seeing another man, she obviously didn’t care that much.
“So… did you think about Danny’s proposal?” He had asked eventually, as he poured himself some wine. His hands were shaking. The emotional pressure caused his head to thump. “It’s still on the table, I s’pose.”
Lisa had sounded a bit taken aback by his question. After all, up until that point Michael had avoided the subject like the plague. And so had she.
“Of course I have. But I haven’t given him an answer, yet…” A pause. “Nothing has changed between Danny and I since the last time you and I met, Mike. And now there are also some other things I need to figure out.”
“Wanna know what I think about the whole matter?”
Ignoring his slightly defiant tone, Michael had gulped down his drink in two long sips. He had totally not registered the last part of Lisa’s statement. He had not asked her about whatever it was that she needed to figure out.
Once again, she had stayed quiet. The silence over the phone was charged with barely concealed expectations. It had been the final trigger. Just hearing her breathing. Waiting.
“…I would love to know your opinion, Michael.”
He had closed his eyes. They burned.
“I think you should go ahead and marry him, Lisa.” Swallowing, Michael had felt as if his throat was made of sandpaper. “He obviously can give you what you need. And what you deserve.”
Even years later, Michael wouldn’t have been able to explain what demons had possessed him at that very moment. He wouldn’t have been able to explain how he had managed to sound calm, casual and collected as he pushed the blade deeper into their love story. As he committed emotional suicide.
“Mike… What are you saying…”
“I think you heard me just fine.”
They both assessed each other’s silence.
“Is that what you really think?”
“It’s… what I think is best for you.”
“I can decide what’s best for me on my own. And if I need advice, I ask for it.” Lisa’s voice had changed. Turning arctic-cold.
“Oh, really? You’re the one deciding what’s best for you?” Michael had snorted. “Sometimes it doesn’t look like it. ‘Cause it seems to me you’re letting everyone making the rules at your place. Your mother. Your church. Your ex.”
“If that’s your point, then maybe you belong to the same category.”
“Nah, not me, Lisa. I never did any of that crap with you.”
Haven’t you, Mike? Is that what you wanna believe?
Again, she had stayed quiet for a minute. Likely trying to understand if he was trying to bullshit her or humiliate her. Or if he would relent before causing permanent damage.
“You know what? I thought I could trust you. But after all, you’re like everyone else.”
Those were the last words he would have ever expected to hear from her.
Well, isn’t she right, after all, Michael? Maybe that’s the bottom line. Maybe, despite all that trashing and rebelling, you’re way more similar to your father and brothers than you ever imagined. Ask the ladies that ended up in your bed in the past weeks. They’ll tell you. All of them.
Michael stared into space, chasing the thoughts away. Faces and voices that he didn’t even remember. Those women hadn’t mattered. He was not like his brothers. He wasn’t Joseph. His intentions had always been different. But he had underestimated the consequences of his own decisions, and it had been immature for him to expect that Lisa would be able to fit in. His personal life – it was going through a moment where all the wrong cards were on the table. He didn’t have much to offer. This poker game was lost. The hand he had delivered was way too weak.
And instead, Michael needed that at least one of them could win the game. If it couldn’t be him, then it had to be Lisa. They both were going to survive this, and she would be happy – without him.
However, he was utterly unable to convey his thoughts and the reasons behind them. His inability to relent. His incompetence in departments he barely knew. His ineptitude in adapting the only life he had always known to something new, something different. His throughout insufficiency when it came to adjusting. He wanted to tell her all that, with all his heart, but couldn’t. A patina of bitterness covered everything.
You got her. Now twist the knife in the wound. Then go on with your life. Lisa’s face will be forgotten in the myriad of nameless faces and bodies you’ll welcome in your bed until you finally are ready to be a little more than… this.
“Right… It’s my fault now, I guess. That you’re getting married to someone else.”
His tone was defiant.
“…Fuck you.”
“Fuck me?”
“Yeah. You’ve been nothing but an asshole to me, lately. As if you’re punishing me for something but you don’t have the balls to tell me exactly what it is. So… Fuck you, Michael.”
“Of course.” He had laughed, dryly. “Look, I guess we said everything that was left to say. No need to keep up the charade, Lisa. Just… Please don’t contact me anymore until my tour is over. I need to focus on that. And I am sure you too will have something to focus on, from now on.”
“I guess I will, yeah.”
The pain and disappointment in her voice were barely concealed behind a blanket of pure disillusionment. He had finally managed to hurt her for good. Too bad he had almost died in the process. When Lisa sniffled, he knew that she was holding the tears at bay and he bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood.
But he and Lisa were stalling, and she needed to move on. Just like he did. This was the only way and the only thing left to do.
Hideout, Los Angeles – November 15th, 1988
“Goddamnit! What the hell!”
Michael coughed and winced when the rushes of nausea became once again unbearable. Sighing, he leaned back into the couch and covered his eyes with his forearm, trying to take deep breaths. He was running a fever and that was the last damn thing that was supposed to happen, weeks away from the end of his tour.
Only the previous week, he had been able to hold the stage and the audience hostage with the most spectacular concerts ever conceived. Pure energy delivered with deadly precision every single time, for three nights straight, in Laguna Hills. A complete success.
Everything was peachy. Not only he had been in great shape, but he also had enjoyed the ability to go back home every night, after the show. At times the ranch, some other times the family house in Encino, or his Hideout. He had felt free to move around Los Angeles without a worry in the world, as he knew for a fact that Lisa was not there. She was in Memphis, at Graceland, enveloped in the embrace of her dad’s home. Likely getting ready for her big day.
Perfect scenario, considering that Michael was going to be in L.A. for quite some time before leaving again, for Japan this time.
The fever and fatigue had assaulted him the day after the last show in Irvine Meadows, catching him completely by surprise. The doctor had been clear – he still hadn’t recovered from the swelling at his vocal cords that he had experienced in Tacoma at the end of October. He had pushed and pushed and eventually his body had just given in, waving the white flag.
Michael had been forced to cancel not one, but five concerts in his hometown and reschedule them for January 1989. Fucking hell! Every time the end of the tour seemed close enough to be touched, something dreadful and unexpected happened, dilating time again and again, leaving him no other choice but to forge ahead. He felt like a damn hamster trapped into a wheel that never stopped spinning.
When his mother had found out that he was sick, she had been worried beyond belief. And when Michael had refused to recover at her house and under her supervision, she had shown up unannounced at his Hideout as if it was the most normal thing in the world, and had stayed there for the whole day. She had left his apartment only a couple of hours earlier, after cooking soup, making sure he ate and took his medications, and just watching him sleep.
Michael had cherished those hours, for once allowing someone to take care of him and trusting them completely. However, admitting that he needed to be taken care of wasn’t so easy.
“Mother… Thank you so much. This is all so beautiful, but I can take care of myself.”
His tone had been soft because of course, he would never be rude to Katherine and loved to be pampered by her. It hadn’t happened in a very long time. The unexpected pit stop forcing him to rest had ended up being a magnificent occasion to feel like a kid once again, not a care in the world.
If only you really had not a care in the world…
Katherine hadn’t even batted an eyelid.
“You are not that great at taking care of yourself, Michael. You always overdo, and that’s why you’re still sick. Now eat your soup.”
Yeah, well…
“It’s delicious, but I’m not really hungry right now.”
“I don’t care. You have to get stronger. Please, eat.”
The humorous glint in her eyes had made Michael smile. He knew better than to disobey his mother, mainly because he knew that she was fully taking advantage of the situation. Having the chance to look after her son wasn’t something that happened regularly and Kate had been adamant: despite not liking the fact that he was sick, she was grateful for the moment of suspension.
“I don’t often have the chance to spend time with you, Michael. You know that. So… Just let me do my thing.”
“…’kay.”
Smirking, Michael had stirred his soup, inhaling deeply. It smelled like home. It was comforting to just be doing something so familiar and ordinary for once. Something that had everything to do with the person and nothing at all with the star. Sipping his soup, he had also found out that it tasted amazing – just like he remembered.
“Are you still in touch with Lisa Marie, Mother?”
He didn’t even know why he had bothered asking. After their last terrible phone call, when he basically had pushed her into Danny’s arms and, on top of it all, had asked her to not contact him any longer, Lisa had never tried to get in touch with him again.
“I am. I am surprised you’re asking.” Sitting in the plush armchair across the couch where Michael was resting, Katherine had kept knitting, her eyes fixed on the needles.
“What are you knitting?”
“A sweater for you. Maybe even a scarf, so you can stay warm in Japan.”
Michael had nodded his head.
“Why are you already changing the subject, Michael? I know you want to know more about Lisa Marie. So, maybe you should just ask, you know…”
Behind the soft, calm, patient facade, Katherine was made of steel. A strong woman. Michael had always known that.
“Why are you two still talking?”
His mother had glanced up at him for a moment.
“Do I need my son’s permission to talk to his ex-girlfriend?”
Michael had felt his cheeks go up in flames.
“No, of course not.” He had cleared his throat.
“I just like her, that’s all. She’s a very sweet girl… And at times she just sounds so lonely.”
Right. Yeah, Michael knew that.
“How is she?”
“I suppose you two haven’t been speaking a lot, lately, if you too are asking me this…”
“No, indeed we haven’t. Didn’t she tell you?”
Katherine had smiled.
“Believe it or not, we don’t always talk about you, Michael. She usually asks me how you are, and it all ends there.”
A long moment of silence had followed and Michael had kept eating quietly. Half-heartedly.
“But anyway… She sounds good. Her mood fluctuates a bit, but all in all she seems to be in good spirits. She has a lot of planning to do… You know, with the wedding approaching and all.”
Michael had swallowed.
“When is she getting married, again?”
He had no idea, and had hoped his mother wouldn’t realize that he was fishing for intel. But when she had glanced up at him again he knew she had. And that she was just playing along with his bullshit, feeding him the pieces of information he so obviously wanted to know.
“On December 1st. That’s what she told me.”
His stomach had sunk and a wave of nausea had assaulted him. He had put the bowl of soup on the coffee table.
“Wow… In just a couple of weeks? So soon?”
Katherine had placed the knitting needles in her lap, sighing.
“I was surprised as well. It feels hurried. I have a feeling things sped up quite considerably in the past few weeks, and I don’t know why. Lisa Marie hasn’t told me. But what I do know for sure, is that her mother is delighted and planning a huge event.”
Of course. Lisa’s wedding would be Priscilla’s ultimate territorial pissing. Michael had kept his face composed and neutral.
“Well, maybe she’s just happy for her daughter, you know.”
“I have no opinion on her. I have never met the lady. Have you?”
“Yeah.”
Katherine had just nodded her head, not inquiring him further. The tone in his voice said it all. She had resumed knitting.
“According to Lisa Marie, her mother would like for the event to be publicized in the press. Lisa would prefer to keep it private. She thinks it would be a circus, and I agree. All in all… It seems to me that Mrs. Presley is way happier about the wedding than her daughter is. It’s… weird.”
Ah… Not really. Priscilla had finally obtained what she had wanted all along. Michael was out of the picture.
“Well… Thanks for telling me, Mother. When you hear from Lisa Marie again, please tell her I said hello.”
Katherine’s doubtful glance had done absolutely nothing to calm his rattled nerves, and he was surprised he had been able to keep up the charade until his mother had left.
Now, as he lay down on the couch, millions of images ran in fast-forward behind his closed eyelids. His fever had gone down a bit but he didn’t feel good at all. With his eyes closed, he saw Lisa both in the moments they had spent together and in times that had never come and probably would never be part of their lives.
Lisa smiling at him, her eyes luminous and full of love. Lisa clinging to him as they made love. Lisa taking his hand and walking with him toward the biggest tree at Los Olivos.
Lisa at the altar, looking like the most beautiful bride he had ever laid eyes on.
Only, she wasn’t his bride.
Perfect Bride Fashion Salon, Broad Avenue Arts District, Memphis – The same day
“Lisa Marie… What do you think about this one? Such a timeless classic! The silhouette is just perfect!”
Her mother seemed high on peyote or something. Lisa just watched her, not really knowing what to say. To be completely honest, she didn’t like that dress at all. Too puffy, and she was pretty sure she would look like a meringue in it. But she wasn’t going to say anything, afraid something unexpected and uncalled for would leave her mouth.
Besides, Lisa had been holed up in that boutique with her mother and the stylist for hours now, and her patience was running thinner and thinner by the minute. Her mother’s ultra-excited state didn’t help.
The feeling of uneasiness had started pretty much right away, when Priscilla had insisted on taking her to the fashion house. Lisa had known that her mother hoped this would be the day, and that they would find the perfect wedding gown. While she would have preferred to stay home, in bed, watching TV and napping. Allowing herself to drop the mask for a while. While in public, her passive attitude was perfectly hidden behind a proactive and enthusiastic approach to the whole event.
For the past weeks or so, Lisa had been doing her best to convince herself that she had made the right choice. She kept telling herself that, one day, she would look back at this time of her life as a reckless, immature moment, and nothing else. Maybe she would even consider Michael nothing more than a regrettable phase of her existence. Meanwhile, all she had to do was let Priscilla take the reins and guide her through the entire process.
The dress. The ceremony. The party. The guests. The press. The last part was especially unsettling.
Danny seemed to be going through the motions as well, which was quite comforting but not at all surprising. He was a compliant guy and once the order from the higher ranks of the church had arrived, and he had been told that this was the right thing to do – ask Lisa to marry him and proceed accordingly – he had been all in. Doing everything that he was supposed to do with a little more enthusiasm than Lisa. Which wasn’t that difficult, all things considered.
She was surprised at how quickly things had moved along. The moment Priscilla had realized that the breakup between Lisa and Michael was permanent, she had sprung into action. Carpe diem!
In a matter of days, everything was taking shape and being planned and Lisa was sure that soon the tabloids would start talking about Elvis’ only child getting married to a good, wholesome guy named Danny.
As Priscilla kept babbling, Lisa closed her eyes for a minute and felt her stomach rumble. This was so not good. Not at all. That was why she didn’t want to be out of the house, in an unfamiliar environment, too much lately. Controlling her own discomfort became way more complicated and trickier.
Just like now.
“Lisa Marie. I still think this dress is perfect, even though you don’t look convinced. Maybe you should try it on and see how you feel in it. You want to look absolutely stunning on your wedding day and this will showcase your beauty. I just feel it.” Priscilla had stepped over and touched Lisa’s elbow. “I know you feel overwhelmed, and that’s why I am here, helping you out. You should just-”
“I’m sorry, is there a restroom, here?” Lisa glanced up at the stylist, whose name was Emma.
Emma, an all-American blond lady in her thirties, watched her with her huge green eyes.
“Sure, Miss Lisa. First door to the left.”
“Thank you. Excuse me… I will be right back.”
Extricating herself from her mother’s grasp, Lisa walked out of the room in a perfectly relaxed manner. Stopping in front of the bathroom, she reached for the door handle and ignored how her double vision turned every single movement into a titanic effort. She pushed the door open, entered the restroom and locked herself inside, leaning her back against the closed door.
She just stood there for a handful of seconds, her hand coming to rest over her grumbling stomach.
Then, in a hurry, she reached for the toilet, dropped onto her knees and threw up. She did it quietly, her eyes squeezed shut and tearing up, her throat burning. It seemed to last forever but, as a matter of fact, she was done almost immediately. Her stomach was empty, as of late she didn’t seem capable of holding anything. The queasiness just wouldn’t let up.
“Good God…” The words were whispered, her breath was uneven.
Squinting her eyes, Lisa got up from the cold tiled floor and moved over to the sink, rinsing her mouth several times. For a bit she just ignored the mirror, but then something forced her to look up and meet her own reflection.
She looked pale and she had dark circles around her eyes. As she kept staring at herself, once again her hand came up and covered her abdomen.
She had to remember to keep some crackers in her purse. After all, this morning sickness could continue up until her fourteenth week of pregnancy. All she had to do, was pretend that everything was great.