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This one last time

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

– A.A. Milne

 

First Act – 1988

January 1988 – Westwood, Los Angeles

“The two hardest things to say in life is hello for the first time and goodbye for the last.”

– Moira Rogers

 

He truly had no idea how this has happened. The only thing he had planned to do, when he had woken up earlier that morning, was to be the best man at John’s wedding. Piece of cake. Nothing major. In fact, it was a nice change in a moment of his life when all he was focused on was his upcoming tour. For once, the spotlight would not be for him – but for the groom and the bride. What a breath of fresh air! Everything was supposed to go down smoothly. He just had to make his appearance, exchange pleasantries, drink something, make small talk, and then leave.

The last thing Michael would have imagined was that he would end up in bed with this drop-dead gorgeous girl. Completely unexpected!

And this was not even just some random girl. She was – well, she was far from a nobody. Not one of the glamorous supermodels that he loved to parade around with at public events. And those were mostly his friends and nothing else, really. None of them was down for a serious relationship, and he wouldn’t have the time anyway. So, it was a win-win situation. And if he had some male urges, he still could seek companionship. After all, he had zero issues finding a girl who would be more than willing to spend some quality time with him.

However, this was so different from everything he had experienced before. First of all, this was Lisa Marie. The daughter of an idol. A girl that Michael had hoped he would get to know at one point in his life, but then her mom had made it very clear that they were not interested in a friendship with him. Making him feel like shit, too. And so he had relented, stepped back, and forgotten all about it.

Until she had randomly met her at John’s wedding. And God, wasn’t she a sight to behold.

She was about to turn twenty and a little goddess in all the ways that counted. Beautiful, spectacular eyes, toned legs, an ass to die for, a voice that caressed him just the right way, and lips that were made to be kissed. And her personality, too, was fascinating. No-nonsense and blunt, but there was also a sweetness about her. There was gentleness hidden right beneath the surface.

The most intriguing thing was how completely unimpressed she was with his fame. She didn’t seem to care that Michael was… who he was. Whatever that meant. And he had loved that about her, right from the get-go. To be able to speak freely to this girl, to have a feeling that she understood the complexities of his life, to be looked at as if he was just a regular guy. Which he was, if only people took the time and the chance to look beyond the mask.

Well, Lisa Marie didn’t seem to need to do that any of that. She seemed more than capable of seeing through him right away, and that was scary and tantalizing. No wonder they had spent the whole day together.

They had spoken a lot, about pretty much everything. It hadn’t been any soul-searching conversation but not superficial stuff either. In fact, it had all been very natural and transparent. And Michael had to admit, it had been a bit disappointing to find out that she was dating some guy, Danny or something, on and off.

“Well… OK… But what about now? Is it on or off?”

Lisa had laughed.

“Currently off.”

Michael had put his hands into his pockets and had stared down at his own feet.

“Yeah? Cool.”

Everything had progressed from that. No strings attached, complete liberty and free will, and a very peculiar occasion. The perfect recipe for ecstasy – or disaster.

So, later that evening, Lisa and Michael had taken a walk in the park surrounding the mansion, stepping away from the guests and the chaos. The night was warm and it smelled like spring, even though it was still January. They had their drinks with them and that had helped their inhibitions – verbal inhibitions, of course – lower considerably. Some flirting had ensued.

After a while, Lisa had asked him if he wanted to leave. With her. And continue their conversation someplace else.

Staring into her eyes, in a very casual manner but certainly reading between the lines of her offer, he had said yes.

About an hour later, they were in his condo, in Westwood. Speaking very little, just observing each other, taking in the whole situation and assessing how to proceed. Michael realized that he felt comfortable sharing this silence with her. It was a quietness that was charged with meaning and delicious undertones. When he had moved closer, entering her personal space, he had done so knowing well that she was not going to rebuff him.

And also because, well… He wanted to kiss her with every single fiber of his being. It had been quite a long time since he had shared his bed with someone, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that whatever girl he had welcomed in his Hideout up until that point, was nothing like Lisa Marie. Not in appearance, and not in substance.

There was just something about her – an aura – a vibration that played in perfect tune with his. And so, when her eyes had found him, he had just noticed how bright and deep they were. Strange color, too. Blue but also green, like seawater. Like an ocean. So clear. So immensely open. Maybe he could get lost in there… Just for a little bit.

Her lips had parted and Michael had known that she was waiting for him to make the next move. It was all so mysteriously tempting. The alcohol they had consumed was not much, but certainly enough to make them both feel much more uninhibited than usual – the whole atmosphere, everything. The forbidden feeling of this stolen moment. He usually was not the kind of guy who devoted much time to one night stands, but again, this didn’t feel like it at all. This physical attraction was the result of something clicking between them on a much deeper level. They had spoken as if they had already met before, and they had. But not as adults, only as kids. They both barely remembered that first encounter. And yet, it all felt new and ancient at the same time – predestined. The two of them sneaking out, leaving the party, hiding in a place where nobody would look for them… It all equated to the obvious decision of enjoying the rest of the night together.

Michael had kissed her and Lisa’s hand had touched his cheek in such a gentle, light manner. So unlike anything that meaningless sex usually entailed. He had never been an expert in that department, but he knew the drill. It had happened to him too, to live those moments. And when his lips had touched hers, he had also felt the difference.

Of course, they had ended up making love. Which was something that he had considered – it had been in the back of his mind since they had left the party. He was just so totally unprepared for the onslaught of intensity that taking her would bring.

He and Lisa were talking, sort of, and then a moment later they were in each other’s arms and were kissing like mad. And then they were on the bed and his shaky hands were undressing her. And then her cool fingers had unbuttoned his shirt, unzipped his fly and undone his pants and found him, skin on skin. He had almost come off the bed. Lisa’s touch – once again – irresistible. Her kisses magic.

Then his lips were all over her body. Kissing, nibbling. Her collarbone, her beautiful, perfect breasts, her hipbone, her thighs. She was beyond breathtaking. Everything about her was: the lines and curves of her body, the texture of her skin, her scent, the sinewy feeling of her hair, her soft moans and whimpers urging him on. Michael’s head had started to spin and he thought he would come before even experiencing the feeling of her body wrapping tightly around his.

Before he could even decide what to do next, Lisa had reversed their positions and had come to sit astride him. Looking down at him, her eyes glazed over, her hair wild – her beautiful hairdo completely gone. She was seduction personified and, judging from her uneven breath, he could swear that she was also affected. She had reciprocated the treatment, leaving a trail of fiery kisses all over his body, from his chest down to his lower abdomen. Michael’s muscles had contracted under her touch and she had glanced up at him.

“I wanna see you… Feel you… Taste you… Take your pants off…”

His heart was up in his throat.

The rest of it had been a blur, a tornado of passion. Michael still remembered the feeling of entering her for the first time. It had been so intense that he had gritted his teeth. She was tight, and hot, and wet – and so perfect. Her body adhering to his. Their skins covered in sweat as they moved together. This was not fucking at all. They barely knew each other and yet they were making love.

And they had kept going for hours on end. They never seemed to have enough of one another. It felt like being in the eye of the storm. No, scratch that. They were the eye of the storm.

The next morning, when he woke her up with feathery kisses on her naked shoulder and a cup of coffee in his hand, the first thing that Lisa did was smile. And Michael let out a sigh of relief, smiling back at her. She raked her fingers through her long hair and rolled over, leaving her breasts exposed. He loved how uninhibited and comfortable with her own nudity this girl was. It was contagious, too, given how perfectly at ease he had felt throughout the night. To the point that even his skin condition had stopped being an issue – simply because Lisa didn’t care and she seemed to like him just the way he was.

And yet, the moment was over and it was time for both of them to leave this dreamland and face the reality of their lives. Which were so complicated – and going in such different directions. Like two roads that could not cross. From the look in Lisa’s eyes, Michael knew that she was thinking about the same thing.

And maybe, it was for the best. This whole scenario was already so problematic in so many different ways. He was about to leave for a world tour that would keep him occupied for two years – while she was just starting her life. He had to stay focused on his art and she had an on-off boyfriend. Her family also obviously didn’t like Michael at all. Plus, he was afraid that a few days with her would make him fall head over heels in love. And at the moment, he could now allow any of that. He was on top of the world, all he needed to do was to keep going. He had to reap the benefits of his decades-long work. He had put sweat and blood, body and soul in it. Everything else – and everyone else – at this very moment was inconsequential. All had to be set aside, at least for the time being, and he could not ask this young woman to wait for him. The future was too much of an unknown variable.

“Hi…”

Lisa’s voice was hoarse and raspy. Good. Michael sounded just as husky, but at least he still had a couple of days off before rehearsals truly began. He would be busy, but at least he wouldn’t have to sing. He likely would be thinking a lot about this girl, though. Oh, well…

“Good morning… I brought you coffee…”

She smiled and took the cup from his hand.

“Thank you… Such a gentleman.” She took a sip without breaking eye-contact. Michael felt something swelling in his chest – this girl was so very dangerous. “So, you’re leaving for Pensacola?”

He sighed. Back to reality-land. He had to appreciate her straight-to-the-point attitude.

“Yeah… But only later this afternoon. What are your plans for today?”

“Not sure. I didn’t have anything planned and nobody’s gonna wonder why I didn’t spend the night home. I am pretty independent.”

Michael smiled. It was weird – and yet felt so comfortable – to be talking about this and that so easily. Despite all the things they had done to one another the previous night, there was no awkwardness. He could quickly get used to this… if only it had happened at a better time of his life, when he would be able to focus on something different than his music.

“Hey, you can stay here if you want. Rest some more, maybe? Before, you know…” His gaze dropped, his smile faltered.

“Before you leave for a couple of years and I go back to my life?”

His eyes got lost on the crumpled sheets. He smoothed them down with the palm of his hand.

“Yeah… before that.”

Yes, Lisa knew. She knew that what had happened between them in the past twenty-four hours or so was nothing but a parenthesis in their lives. A beautiful interlude, but also something that likely would never happen again.

He heard her place the cup on the nightstand and glanced up. Lisa was now on her knees and the sheet half-covering her had slipped away. She was completely naked and he held his breath.

“Right… Well, I was thinking…”

“Yes?”

“Since you’re only leaving later today and I have nothing to do this morning…”

“Yes…”

She moved closer. Her heat touched his skin through the robe that he was wearing even before any physical contact occurred.

Lisa sat in his lap, her hands resting on his shoulders. She smelled amazing. Like coffee, the unmistakable scent of her skin, passion and forbidden dreams.

“Would you make love to me? This one last time…”

Michael stared into her eyes. Then he brought her head down and captured her lips.

Yes. This one last time.

 

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Second Act – 1996

April 1996 – New York

“Saying goodbye doesn’t mean anything. It’s the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.”

– Trey Parker

 

Michael waited. Chewing on the soft flesh inside his cheek until it hurt. Until it startled him and he tasted blood. He needed to get a fucking grip, and be ready for anything. The fact was that he liked to have everything planned, down to the latest, tiniest detail and in this case he had no control over anything.

He had called Lisa and asked her to meet him at their apartment at the Trump Tower, but the truth was that he had no idea if she would even show up. If up until maybe six months earlier everything seemed to be clear and transparent, now his personal life had become murky – to say the least. It was a fucking mess, to speak plainly.

Well… But not all of it. Debbie would soon be pregnant again and everything was in motion. Everything was going exactly the way it was supposed to go. He wanted to be a father and he would become one. There was no doubt about that.

Too bad that he had to sacrifice so much to get there.

And Michael had been so angry, so fucking mad at Lisa for robbing him of his dream, that the haze had clouded his reasoning, distorted her words and intentions and the way he had perceived them, turning them into knives into his flesh. Twisting and turning relentlessly. Constant torture. Lisa sending him those divorce papers when she had sworn she was not going to do any of that, when she had told him that she wanted to try again, had been the straw breaking the camel’s back.

And so he had signed them. What was he supposed to do, after all? If that was what she wanted – and it so obviously was – then cool, he was game. She would soon regret having pushed him.

The resentment had worked for about four months. Until a few days earlier, it had been relatively easy for Michael to pretend that Lisa didn’t exist anymore, that she had never been part of his life to begin with. That he had never met her again at John’s wedding, let alone made love to her that same night. Nothing had ever been the same since, and yet Michael had been able to push it all aside. She was free. So was he. Life went on and everything would be just fine, even without her.

And then he had called her, out of sheer instinct more than anything else. He didn’t even know why. It was late at night and he was tipsy. He felt lonely and he missed her. He had dodged her for weeks on end, as if she was a deadly bullet. Her calls unanswered, her letters torn to pieces, her pleas ignored. And yet…

Lisa hadn’t picked up the phone, and the answering machine at Hidden Hills had kicked in almost right away. Michael had wondered where she was and who with. As if that would make any difference.

It didn’t.

And yet he had left a message. Speaking with his eyes closed, hoping she could feel it – hoping that she could sense how his rage was slowly vanishing and only pain remained.

“Lisa Marie… Hey…” He had exhaled a long sigh. “Maybe you’re asleep, or maybe you ain’t even home. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I know you anymore. But I miss you. And I wish we had been able to speak about all this more instead of…”

He had bitten his tongue. Well… To be completely honest, she had been more than willing to speak. In return, she had found a wall instead of a husband.

“But anyway… I’ll be in New York next week, and I’ll be staying at the Trump Tower. And I was wondering if you’d like to meet me there. You know… to talk…”

A long pause. What bad could it do? She wasn’t listening, anyway. Maybe she would, the next morning. Or whenever. Perhaps she would just end up deleting it all.

“…And hopefully, we can say goodbye in a much more civil way. I miss talking to you. And I know I haven’t been… ah… as available as you would have liked me to be in the past months, but I’m sure you understand. I had to digest all this. And I’m moving on now. I’m sure you are too. Still… I hope we can at least talk for a moment… This one last time. Just like we used to do.”

And that had been it. Michael was sure that Lisa would know where to find him, if she so was inclined. However, her silence wasn’t precisely the prelude of any marvelous surprise.

Leaning back into the couch, Michael sipped his vodka and let the silence of the room absorb him.

 

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What was she even doing here? Lisa stood in front of the door of the apartment she had shared with Michael in the first, blissful months of their marriage, unsure if she should get in or spin on her heels and run away. And the reason was simple: she knew that he was there. She could sense his presence, his aura. He was in the penthouse and was waiting for her.

What for? He had been a complete, utter asshole up until leaving that message on her answering machine. And that night she had been there, listening to him as he spoke, her fingertips itching to pick up the phone and talk to him, her heart threatening to explode. But she couldn’t face him at that moment. It had been all too sudden and she was unprepared. As she heard his words, she had wondered what possibilities were crossing his mind. If he thought that she was in bed with some other man, or partying somewhere.

Yeah… Not really.

She was neither. She was nothing but a shattered soul that didn’t want to be bothered by anyone, and had been that way for quite some time now. She was an empty vessel floating adrift. He had been her lighthouse for so long, and now he was gone.

If Michael had once been Lisa’s person to go to, the man she could always count on, speak to, all of a sudden he wasn’t that anymore. He had become a man of stone, deaf and blind and mute. A beautiful statue. Until now.

When he told her that he missed her, she had felt tears running down her cheeks even before she could really understand what her reaction to that was supposed to be. It had been automatic. And his short message on her answering machine had provoked such an internal turmoil, that Lisa had needed three full days locked into her own house to recover. The kids had helped, of course, but they could not fix her broken heart.

She didn’t know if she would ever be able to forgive Michael’s inability to see why so much unhappiness had plagued their last months as a married couple. She also didn’t know if she would ever be able to forgive herself for not doing more to stop those fucking divorce papers. She knew Michael. Had he truly wanted to break up with her, he would have either sent her those papers himself, or he would have signed them right away. Instead, it had taken him days to put his damn signature on them.

And now he wanted to see her. And she had flown all the way to New York the moment he had snapped his fingers, leaving the kids with Danny, not even knowing what she was going to New York for.

But here you are. Come on, then. Open that door and find out by yourself.

Shaking her head, Lisa rummaged in her purse, looking for the keys. Before she could find them, the door opened and Michael appeared in front of her like a vision. A ghost and a dream. The most breathtaking and yet terrifying sight.

Lisa looked up and found his eyes, and it startled her to see them again after so many months of radio silence.

Michael looked… Slightly thinner and tired, as if he hadn’t slept well in quite some time. He had no make-up on and his face was unshaven. Wearing a casual hoodie and jeans, he looked like the guy next door. A guy you could easily fall in love with, ending up having your heart torn to shreds.

“Hey…”

He also sounded slightly breathless. As if he was a bit surprised to see her there.

“Hi…”

“I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

She broke eye-contact.

“I wasn’t sure either.”

Swallowing, he nodded and moved away from the doorway, gesturing for her to come in. As she stepped into the apartment, Lisa realized that even though she had hoped she could appear strong and indifferent, she was far from it. In fact, there was nothing but sadness there. Other than the inevitable relief that always came when he appeared again. Which was precisely how she had felt before they decided to break up. Waiting for him, not knowing if or when he would come back home to her.

“You look… Good…” Michael closed the door and locked it, then cleared his throat. “Gorgeous, really.”

Lisa grinned. No, she didn’t. She had lost weight and had resumed smoking. She was a mess. She felt like shit and she certainly did not look at her best. But it was nice for him to pretend that everything was OK when their life was crumbling. At least for a little while.

“Thank you. You do too. How are you, Michael?”

Michael did not reply and walked back to the living room. And to his glass of vodka.

“Want some?”

“Sure… Why not…”

Lisa sighed and put her purse down, then moved over to the bar. She felt his presence behind her back right away. The heat emanating from him. He was like a black hole. She knew that she would get sucked in, eventually.

“Wait… let me…”

His husky voice reminded her of the very first time they had made love. So many years ago. Just like Michael, back then she had been convinced that what they had experienced was nothing but some casual event, never bound to happen again. And yet, a part of her had cradled the hope of seeing him again at one point. She didn’t know if she could have ever imagined that she would end up marrying this guy. And not because Michael was a superstar, as Lisa had never seen him that way. His level of fame had been a nuisance more than anything else. It was just because he could be present and evanescent at the same time, endless and fleeting, incendiary and cold.

But it had happened. He had asked her if she wanted to be his wife and there was nothing that she wanted more. And despite the heartbreak over the end of their marriage, she knew that she would never truly regret what they had experienced together. She was good at pretending that she did, but it had never been the truth. It never would be.

And if right now she and Michael were face to face because he wanted to say goodbye in person, at least he would have the chance to see it in her eyes, what she really felt for him. What she had always felt for him. What she very likely would never stop feeling, despite too often praying for it to just go away.

Lisa turned, finding him way too close for every cell in her body not to be affected. He stared at her for a moment, then shifted slightly, pouring some vodka for her as well. He handed her the glass.

“Here… Your flight good?”

“Wonderful.”

It had sucked. She had been nauseous the whole time.

Her hand slightly trembling, Lisa took the glass from his hand and gulped down the liquid in one single sip. She winced and took a deep breath, then her eyes welled up and she swayed. It happened in the short span of a second. Lisa realizing that she hadn’t eaten in a couple of days and that consuming vodka that way was probably not the best decision in the world. Michael noticing her discomfort. Before she could push him away, he moved.

Like a panther, smooth and quiet, he removed the glass from her hand, put it back down on the bar counter, and held her by the waist, pulling her into him. Taking her into his arms, holding her against his body. Lisa froze, as the heat of him wrapped itself around her. He hid his face in the crook of her neck, as if he was looking for shelter, and inhaled deeply.

“It’s OK…” He whispered. “I got you.”

Liar. You let me leave. You don’t care at all.

And yet, out of her own volition, her arms came around his neck and she squeezed her eyes shut, unable to stop the tears. And this time, it was not because of the alcohol. When she felt his tears touching her skin, she wasn’t even surprised. They were a complete disaster. They were in free fall and holding onto one another, this time, just would not do. But they could pretend. Just for a little while.

She cried quietly as Michael’s voice desperately tried to break her fall.

“I got you… I got you… Stay with me…” His lips kissed her neck, very lightly, and she shivered. “…Baby girl… I missed you like crazy…”

Oh, God. Why was he doing this to her?

“Michael…”

“No… wait… Don’t talk… Don’t say anything…” His warm hands framed her face and he pulled back, finding her eyes. His eyes too were swimming in tears and he looked tortured. Betrayed. Heartbroken and confused. And maybe for the first time in months, he also looked in love. Lisa sensed it, touched it almost. It was there, somewhere in those dark irises. She knew that she needed to leave. This was too much and she was not equipped to face it.

But her body was no longer prone to obeying the orders of the mind.

She mirrored his gesture, her hands coming up, resting on his stubbly cheeks, caressing his skin as if this was her last chance to discover his features. They were so very close and she could tell that Michael, too, was tipsy. Concern kicked in and she wondered if he had eaten at all. Then he licked his lips and something just shut off in her mind.

She couldn’t tell who moved first. But just like that very first time, just like many years earlier, they were kissing. It was tentative, far from the passionate assaults that usually defined their connection – because no matter what, their chemistry had always been mind-blowing. So, in a way, maybe Lisa shouldn’t have been surprised at what was happening now. And yet she was.

Her body recognized the shelter she had longed to find again in the previous four months and she became soft in his arms. Like clay. She allowed him to mold her and shape her into whatever he needed her to be. When he pushed her back slowly and the small of her back touched the table, she almost didn’t feel the impact. She was way too focused on Michael pressing against her torso, his lower body responding to the chant.

Just like that very first time. And this… Well, this was very likely their last time. Because every kiss and every touch didn’t spell the word “beginning.” Each one of them felt like a farewell.

She was shaking.

Even when she reached down and opened his pants, her hands could not stop trembling and she was relieved to have him help her out. His movements too were jittery and unsteady, but there was no doubt that his fingers knew what to do.

When she found him inside his pants, Michael let out a moan that almost sounded like a sob. Then he sighed and Lisa saw him close his eyes, his hips automatically pushing against her palm, seeking her touch. She swallowed hard. How long since they had made love for the last time? It almost felt like centuries and her body screamed out for him. It nearly bled out from the inside.

“Mike…”

He shut her up by kissing her again and she realized that this was not the time to talk. That he really didn’t want to. Of course, there were tons of words that were still unsaid, but maybe they would always remain that way. And how could she blame him? Words had gotten them in such big trouble lately. Promises that couldn’t be kept, venom that shouldn’t have been spat out, accusations that should have never left their mouths.

Yeah… Maybe this was for the best. Even though it would end up being lethal.

Michael opened his eyes again and stared at her, panting. Then he picked her up, making her sit on the table. He slowly parted her legs and caressed her thighs, from her knees up to her ass, as she finally freed him and started to stroke him. Her vision became blurry and only desire remained. If this was their last time, she wanted him to mark her his so that she could never forget who he was to her. How able she would be to lie to herself or him, from now on, did not matter.

As if he could read her mind, Michael set his jaw and ripped her thong off. Lisa gasped, then pulled his head down to her, kissing him. His tongue in her mouth felt like heaven.

She didn’t oppose any resistance when he pulled her to the edge of the table, when his steel touched her liquid heat. She wanted this with everything that was most honest in her. Her mouth touched his ear and her voice was nothing but a whisper.

“I am yours…” She kissed his jawline. “I’ll always be. I can’t help it.”

Michael’s head dropped, as if he needed to hide from her. She heard him sniffle but, when he spoke, his voice sounded deadly serious.

“Open up, Lise…”

And she did. For what she thought would be the last time, she allowed him to make love to her and she made love to him as if their lives were about to end. As if the whole world was about to end. As if everything and everyone else had suddenly become inconsequential, even though she knew they were not.

 

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Third Act – 2000

February 2000, Santa Maria – California

“You know it’s love when you have been saying goodbye for how many times but still you’re not ready to leave.”

– Unknown

 

She was on top of him, her hands braced on his solid chest. A thin layer of sweat covered their bodies, and to have her palms slide all over his shiny, moist skin was the biggest turn-on ever. Lisa was not even part of this world, at the moment. As a matter of fact, she wondered how she would be able to survive once come down from that high that always accompanied sex with Michael.

Their eyes were locked and she loved how his hair was wild, curls plastered against his forehead. His lips were parted and she took in those little sexy sound she lived for, whenever they would make love.

When had they started? She did not remember. Time stood still – because being like this with him was like being trapped into a bubble. Everything she saw, heard, touched, felt, was Michael. Nothing else existed. It had always been that way, through the years and despite the countless complications that had been plaguing their relationship right from the get-go.

It was supposed to be just a one-night-stand. Something frivolous and inconsequential. Yet it had changed their lives forever and, eleven years later, they were still in the same bed. Lisa wished it had happened every single night, but sadly that was not the case. And just as unfortunately, she could not turn back time and do it all again.

Michael’s deep, powerful thrusts brought her back into the moment. Her eyes focused on him as she moaned out loud.

“Oh, shit… Goddamn it….” She swallowed hard and threw her head back, allowing him to take her the way he needed. His hands on her waist, holding her in place. This man only pretended to let her lead the game while in fact, he was always the only one in control. Which was quite an appropriate simile for their relationship as a whole.

“Oh, fuck… Oh, girl…” Michael squeezed his eyes shut. “You drive me fucking nuts… There you go… You’re such a good girl…”

Him dirtying up his vocabulary had the exact same effect on her. He was driving her crazy. And all things considered, they were crazy enough out of the bedroom. She needed to regain some measure of control over the situation, just to even the ground.

“Wait…” Panting, Lisa rose onto her knees, slowly allowing him to slide out of her.

“What…”

“Wait… Stay there, don’t move…”

Michael grinned.

“You’re even crazier than I thought. I’m not going anywhere….”

She had to laugh. Leaning forward, she kissed him. Hard. Then her lips found his sweaty forehead.

“Let me do something for you, big guy…”

The growl he let out was truly the biggest reward. She loved how he trusted her when it came to their lovemaking. How he was, at times, more than capable of putting himself in her hands. But as a matter of fact, they had always been that way. Since the very first time they had made love, he had let this man do to her whatever he wanted, in any way he wanted it. And through the years, there had never been any taboo, any restraint holding them back. She had done things with Michael that were precious and sacred and intimate to her, and that only belonged to the two of them. And she had allowed him to do things to her that she would never even consider doing with anybody else.

Even now.

After their divorce, Lisa had been sure that it was over forever, it didn’t matter how much she wanted it to be different. Michael was way too cold, apparently so indifferent – that for a very long time it had been hard, for her, to believe he had ever loved her in the first place. Maybe his had only been a bad, bad crush. Some sort of obsession.

And yet he had stayed. She had returned to him every time. He had done the same. The people they had shared their beds with, in the meantime, had never really mattered in the grandiose, elaborate painting that their love story was. It was a blessing and a curse, their inability to truly say goodbye. After so many years, Lisa still had not found a way to break free from him. And maybe it was because she had never really wanted it. Michael was her heart. He was her whole world.

And so, once again, it was this never-ending circle of pain and pleasure, of pushing and pulling. They had been able to keep going for years. They had been somehow able to stay on track despite the road being bumpy at times, but lately, everything was changing once again.

Since Michael’s accident in Munich, he had not been the same again. Nervous and irritable, even more impatient than usual. Obviously in pain, with zero time to truly recover physically and emotionally. Lisa had felt out of place more often than not, pushed on the outs. Sensing his frustration, realizing that she was no longer able to help him. That he didn’t even want her help anymore. Feeling that they both needed a break from each other. For the umpteenth time.

After all, that was what happened when you stared at the sun for too long. Your eyes started to burn. If you didn’t look away, you were going to be blinded. It was the intensity, the heat of it all. Ready to nurture, but also to destroy. There was no escape either way. No way you could leave unscathed.

Speaking of which…

Lisa had to struggle to keep her own orgasm at bay. She wasn’t even sure her body would withstand another climax without incinerating in his arms. He was too good. Even when things weren’t at their best, just like today, given how much they had fought on their way over to the ranch. Once arrived in Michael’s private quarters, fucking had been the only option, the last refuge before the inevitable. And it had been furious, too. They had almost ripped up each other’s clothes the very moment Michael had locked the door, then they had gone at it against the wall for a bit. Just some high-post action to break the ice, as if that was even necessary. Then they had slid down on the floor, and he had made her come with his mouth and his tongue on the plush carpet, as Lisa desperately clung to his shoulders, leaving marks on his skin.

Her actions fueled by frustration and lust, she had pushed him back and reversed their positions, her mouth coming down on him, forcing a cry out of him. Once again, that subtle game of power – as usual, mixed with the immense desire they felt for each other. And yet she had loved how dominating he had been, holding her head down as his hips thrust up and against her. Despite everything, he had been gentle enough – never really forcing her, quietly letting her know that she could pull back at any time. Of course, Lisa didn’t want that. She wanted him to lose control and, eventually, she had made it. She adored to love him that way, to the point that at times she had risked coming just by giving him a blowjob. He didn’t even need to touch her – such was his power.

And in any event, she wanted him to never forget that she was the only woman capable of making him lose his head that way. Being very much aware that he wanted the same thing for her.

Afterward, Michael had pulled her up and into his lap, cradling her face, kissing her sweetly and longingly, sighing against her lips. Telling her how much he loved her in a breathless whisper. And she knew it was the truth. Lisa knew that his words were the reverberation of what was in his heart, at that very moment so open and vulnerable. She was just as aware that soon he would wall up again, as he lately did all the time. The mask solidly in place, even with her. But for now, she could still take what was offered.

Still kissing her, never leaving the comfort of her mouth, he had picked her up and holding her into his arms he had walked upstairs, taking her to his bed. And they had started making love all over again.

Hours ago.

Still sitting in his lap, Lisa took his hands and kissed them, finger by finger, giving him – and herself – a moment to recover but also keeping the flames high. Then she started to sway against him, sliding her own moist center over the underside of his steel. Michael gasped and his grip on her hands loosened a bit. His eyes, however, stayed tethered to her. They were shiny and glazed over, moving from her face to her pelvis, to the point of their connection. They seemed to darken.

“You like what you see, Mike?”

It took her immense effort to speak. He just nodded his head, not uttering a word.

She saw his cheeks redden and she knew that it was not because of embarrassment. It was arousal, sheer and unadulterated lustfulness. The realization made her feel triumphant. The recognition that this was likely the last kind of attachment they might be sharing, however, almost killed her inside.

But there was nothing she could do to stop the fire. She could only accept the blaze and let it consume her.

She entwined her fingers with his and Michael gave her the leverage that she needed to keep swaying. And Lisa kept going, with long up and down strokes over his shaft, with short side to side motions. Biting her lip, she then rubbed the head of his cock around her own flesh. An electric shock ran through her and she moaned, softly.

“Girl… I need to feel you. Let me see. Let me watch you come for me one more time…”

“Oh, shit… Oh, daddy…” She knew that she adored it when she called him that. It made him feel powerful and strong. And he was. However, the loving pet name had tumbled out of her lips without her even realizing it. “…You feel just so damn… right…”

And then it happened. She started to come, violently, her body spasming and shaking in his lap. It felt endless and it took her breath away. Pure turbulence.

Gazing at Michael through half-closed eyes, she saw him set his jaw. From the way his cock pulsed and twitched, she could tell that he too was doing his absolute best to hold on a little longer. To desperately cling to this immense pleasure that was one of the hooks keeping them trapped in this endless circle of heaven and hell. Maybe what would come next could still be pushed back. Just a little bit. Just a little longer. Just this one last time.

Bending over again, she took him inside one more time, making him groan, moaning herself, and then kissed him. She was still coming. As she did so, her hands caressed his face, her thumbs ran down his long sideburns. The rest of her body stayed perfectly immobile, just holding him, massaging him as she finally started to recover, to relax. Michael stroked her back and tried to move, and Lisa bit down on his neck.

“I’m on top. Stand still.”

He laughed, breathlessly.

“Alright…”

Purring, she rubbed her breasts against his chest, then sat up again and tossed her hair back, allowing him to have a good look at her.

“Look at that…” How she loved that low, raspy tone. The voice of a man barely in control of himself. “Look how gorgeous you are…”

His hands reached up, playing with her breasts as he – unsurprisingly – disobeyed her orders and started to give her a series of slow, shallow thrusts.

Whimpering, set on fire by the touch of his fingers, she began to grind up on him, moving her body as if she was dancing. As she did so, she held onto his forearms. It occurred to her that she had never felt so safe and secure while having sex. No other man could ever shelter her like Michael did.

Once again, Lisa pushed the unpleasant taste of farewell to the back of her mind. It was hard to keep her rationale at bay when she knew Michael by heart. She recognized all the signs. There was a way they had, to make love. A way that would always precede their goodbyes. And this was no different. Their ending had been dragged and torturous, but they were now at the finish line and they both knew it. That was why they were scarring one another with that damned love that would just not die.

Because love, at times, simply was not enough.

“Lisa…”

Lisa blinked, her eyes focusing on him, seeing him through the veil of her sedated pain.

“Stay with me… Don’t leave me, girl. Not now….” He swallowed and his features turned anguished for just a split second. “…Not yet.”

Not yet…

Taking a deep breath, she started to caress his sweaty chest. Leaning forward one more time, she kissed his neck, his jawline, his collarbone, his nipples. The tip of her tongue ran between his pectorals as her lower body started to move again. Glancing up at him, locking gaze with him, she took his hands and held them above his head.

She knew it was the right thing to do. She knew that Michael would allow her to take that control away from him just for a little while still.

“Your turn, baby…”

She bit her lip and tucked her legs under his for some extra leverage. Yeah… it was time to bestow upon him the same sweet, delicious torture he had been reserving for her for hours. Just to let him have his fill. Just in case their umpteenth goodbye would be followed by another return. That was their story. Their damnation.

She started to move, changing the angle and the depth of penetration, forcing moans out of him.

Michael pushed her up, his fingers running over her sweaty skin, caressing her flat stomach, touching her in between her legs, making her gasp. And then moving around her, finding her ass, feeling her there as he thrust up, unable as he was to relinquish all power. Which was fine. He could have asked her anything at this very moment, and Lisa would have complied. Knowing well that, in return, she would never get what she longed for.

As if he was reading her mind, Michael sat up, holding onto her. They were even once again. Face to face, both battling with each other – and themselves. What at one point had been tender lovemaking became furious fucking. They were running out of time and they knew it.

Lisa cradled his head and leaned her forehead against his as they kept moving together.

“Yeah… Oh yeah… There you go…”

“Lise… are you there… I’m not sure I can…” He squeezed his eyes shut and she kissed him hard. Tears burned behind her closed eyelids. “Shit…”

“I’m with you, baby… Always, always with you…” Her lips moved to his ear. “Do it… Mark me yours… Forever…”

“Oh, shit! Oh, fucking hell!”

Michael cried out and rolled over, coming to rest on top of her. Their eyes locked one final time as he propped up on his hands and started pounding into her. Her legs locked around his waist and they were lost. Together, as one, like always. And desperately falling.

Lisa didn’t know how long they stayed joined, afterward. It felt like hours. Their limbs intertwined, and Michael still inside of her. He had rolled over to the side ever so slightly, bringing her with him. Holding onto her as if he was afraid she would dissolve, if he just let her go.

God… This was beyond painful. But how long could you keep a heart alive, when that same heart just would not stop failing? How many times could you shock it back to life before you lost something invaluable in the process?

Earlier that day, Lisa and Michael had shared a quiet lunch in one of their favorite little restaurants downtown. As usual, they had managed to not draw any attention. As usual, the press had not noticed. As usual, she had been reminded that her relationship with him had all the comforts of having a woman on the sidelines, a woman who was madly in love with him, who was available whenever he wanted her. She was a secret. She was his secret. He indulged in her while keeping her on the outs, and his emotional distance had increased since the accident. He was often medicated, and she could not even blame him. The people around him wanted him in top form and more often than not, Michael wasn’t even a human being to them. He just had to keep going. He just had to keep making money.

And she… Well, she couldn’t do anything. Not anymore. She could no longer fire people that were dangerous for him, just like he could no longer save her from her entourage’s claws. When they were together, they could breathe. When they were apart, they kept stumbling and falling. And often, those frustrations poured themselves into what was left of their relationship.

He was not ready to commit. She needed stability. He could consider something more serious than what they had – but only if she considered having a baby with him. She wanted it the other way around. He thought his way would fix everything. She was not willing to gamble – she had done it more than once, and she had fucked up. They both had.

Not even his divorce from Debbie had changed anything. He was way too comfortable with how things were and had been for the past four years or so.

And she could no longer go on that way.

They had touched the subject while still at the restaurant, of course.

Lisa had been unable to finish her food, while Michael had just played with it, not even pretending he was going to eat it. Silence had fallen, and it wasn’t the comfortable quietness they used to share when they were younger. It felt as heavy as lead.

It was what it was and she had no defenses. Neither had he.

The only thing they could do, the only thing they had done, was to go back to his place and remind each other how in love they still were and maybe would always be. The final act of martyrdom.

And now, even that was over.

Her face resting against his chest, Lisa listened to his heartbeat and didn’t move, not even when the tears came. Michael too stayed still, and kept playing with her hair like he had done thousands of times before.

“It’s over, isn’t it?”

His voice was quiet. Even. The desperation and defeat were barely hidden behind that low tone that she had always loved so much.

“…Yeah.”

There was nothing else that she could say.

 

 

---

---

 

 

Final Act – 2009

April 2009 – Westwood, Los Angeles

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”

– T.S. Eliot

 

They had finally done making a mess. It was possibly the last thing Lisa would have expected and maybe, at the same time, the ultimate capitulation. Everything had already changed. The only thing she needed to find out was what would happen next.

It was all beyond paradoxical, especially given how linear and smooth the recent events had unfolded themselves. Nothing comparable to the past years. Those had been riddled with torrid secret meetings, chopped up conversations and soul-crushing sex that would always end in a farewell. As a matter of fact, Lisa was still amazed at how the press seemed utterly unaware of what had gone down for such a long time. Of what kept happening, it didn’t matter how many times she and Michael swore that it would never happen again.

How long since and Michael had officially broken up for the last time? Nine years, more or less. Of course, that timeline counted only if they decided to ignore all those times when they had ended up in bed together afterward. They had pretty much kept fucking on a regular basis for another bunch of years. Neither one of them would even pretend it was more than that, at that point, especially given the route their lives had taken. At the same time, they both were darn good at convincing themselves that the love they still felt for one another was nothing but an afterthought. Something that could easily be ignored.

Their love confessions, their words of love and longing, were relegated to the darkest part of the night, to secret moments that were never bound to leave the safe boundaries of the bedroom. Or hotel room. Or car.

It had been a whirlwind of familiar intensity and, at the same time, of intolerable heartbreak. Each and every single time.

At one point, they had even been forced to admit it. Going cold turkey was just not an option. They just could not break apart, let alone part ways completely. What they could do was walk on parallel routes. Roads that were independent and yet mingled, intertwined, overlapped at times. That was all that remained of them. The shreds of a love story that should have lasted a lifetime.

In the tornado of days and nights scattered in her emotional calendar, memories slid like the square tiles in a 15 puzzle. At times it was all very confusing. The when and where, the hows. It had been Neverland and Hidden Hills, Ireland and Las Vegas, New York and Memphis, Japan and South Africa, and so many other places in between. There were just a few moments that she knew that she would never be able to forget. The night she had spent with Michael after that damn clown Sneddon had gone after him again. At his Hideout, where he had tried to find shelter after the umpteenth surprise raid – because he could not bear to go back to a mansion that had been torn to pieces as if it was nothing. That night she had made love to him again and again and then had cradled him in her arms just like she had done exactly ten years earlier, before they decided to get married. Only, this time she knew there would be no happy ending for them. And Michael did too. That was why he, just like her, had as usual tried to drag things as long as possible before going back to the mess that his life had become. And hers, too.

When after the trial he had called her over the phone, asking her to try again, she had lied to him. Out of sheer terror. Fearing that it was nothing but a moment for him, and that everything would go downhill once again if only she gave up this final time. While her heart wanted nothing but that. Nothing but to try again. With him, always with him.

That had been the last time she had heard him cry for her. If it had ever happened again afterward, Lisa didn’t know. He had never told her.

However, she did know for sure that Michael was well aware of her lie at this point. That indifference card tossed on the green table like an all-in in a poker game. Everyone had lost. There had been no reward whatsoever. Not even her current marriage was. Especially that, in some way. Tying the knot once again had been relatively easy, given that Michael was out of the country.

When they were physically distant, whenever they would exit each other’s orbit, living a life that didn’t involve the other became easier.

Living a lie.

But your sins would always find you out and that was their case, as well.

Lisa and Michael had met again, more than once. They had often ended up making love, they had never left without a kiss. And she knew that, during more than one night, she had confessed how much she still loved him. He had done the same.

The only issue was that it was highly unlikely that they had been able to trust what the other said. Their I love yous had the feel and taste of countless I can’t imagine my existence without you. They had the right to believe that they were nothing to one another at this point. The lies people told themselves to survive could fill up entire libraries.

And then Michael had come back and the routine had resumed. She felt guilty, too. He, on the other hand, didn’t give a shit. He wasn’t the one pretending to be in a happy marriage, after all. He had his affairs and he had Lisa. He loved her with all his heart but not longer expected anything from her. Love was not always enough, indeed.

How could she blame him?

She couldn’t.

By trying to protect herself after the trial, while trying to convince herself that she was only giving them both the freedom they needed, she had effectively stomped on the frail flower of hope that was about to bloom inside of him. And she would never, ever fully forgive herself for that. But alas, everything was simpler in hindsight. While you were in the eye of the storm, the only thing you could do was cling onto something, anything, just to make it out alive.

The last thing Lisa would have expected was that a roll of the dice could change the whole scenario once again, so many years after the beginning of their journey. And now, what she needed to do was find Michael and try to understand where they would go from here.

Lisa extracted the airplane ticket from her purse and walked to the check-area.

 

---

 

Michael’s back hurt but, quite surprisingly, he didn’t even register the pain. His mind was someplace else. He was back in Los Angeles and the only thing he needed was to find Lisa as soon as possible.

Lisa…

What on Earth was happening? He had no idea. He certainly had not been expecting to hear from her again so soon, after she had surprised him and the kids a couple of months earlier, for Prince’s twelfth birthday. When she had appeared like a perfect little fairy at their Carolwood home, unannounced and holding presents in her arms.

Michael had been stunned, to say the least. Yes, he knew what would usually happen when he and Lisa were in the same city. Or country. Or portion of the world. They would meet, if only they had the chance, and would often end up in bed together because they just couldn’t help it. But this was unanticipated even for their standards. Especially since he had read in some magazines that she and her current husband were planning on having a baby or something, and that they hoped it would happen very soon. Of course, Michael knew that tabloids were not to be trusted, but it made him wonder anyway. And certainly, Lisa showing up at his house had felt so different than anything they had experienced in the past.

That time, it had not been secret nor planned. She had not let him know beforehand. She had come to him in the broad light of day. And also, he hadn’t seen her in a couple of years – talked to her over the phone at times, yes, but not met her in person – and she looked…

God…

She looked so damn gorgeous. If time had swept over her and left its mark, he could barely tell. She was still so very perfect in all the ways that counted. Those eyes. That body. That tiny little smile on her lips when she had realized that she had been able to startle him out of a normality that saw him as a daddy and nothing else. That last detail alone had made him want to kiss her silly there and then. Instead, he had just stared at her without a word.

“Are you going to let me in?”

She had tilted her head to a side, looking insecure all of a sudden. Her voice was gentle and Michael had remembered why he had fallen in love with her to begin with. It was so fucking easy to be reminded of those feelings that never went away whenever they were face to face. Too fucking easy and too damn dangerous.

“Of course… Please, come in… Hi…”

He had moved away from the doorway and, when she had stepped into the foyer, had kissed her cheek. Lisa’s head had shifted slightly and they had found themselves close, so very close.

“You look amazing, Michael… In great shape… A bit tired, maybe… But amazing.”

Damn, she did too.

“Thanks… I am just… I’m sorry. This is totally surprising.”

She had laughed, softly.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“I’m not, actually. I was just being polite.”

His eyes had narrowed and he had grinned.

“You’re still a nut.”

“Yeah, I have been told. So, where’s the birthday boy?”

Michael had hoped he could be the next birthday boy on her list. Because sure as hell Lisa was the perfect package wrapped in a dress that reminded him of how good her body felt underneath his fingertips. Something had stirred in the pit of his stomach.

And so, in that fortuitous, unforeseen way, he and Lisa had ended up spending the afternoon together. Playing with the kids, eating some cake, watching a movie with the children, and then tucking them in bed, later that evening. He had loved watching her sit on the floor with the babies, laughing with them. Or reading a bedtime story to Blanket. It had all felt so… right.

Of course, he had not brought up the subject at all and had just let the events progress. However, after they left the kids’ bedroom, Lisa had even asked him about his new tour, all the while staring at him with those mysterious eyes. She had asked him how he felt about that.

“It’s fine. I mean… It’s just business. Don’t worry. I got this.”

“I heard it’s already sold out.”

“Yeah…” He had just shrugged his shoulders.

Lisa had stopped mid-step.

“Will you take care of yourself, Mike? Not wear yourself out too much?”

“Of course.”

She hadn’t looked convinced, but had not said another word and their evening had been quiet and serene.

Sharing a drink and making love until they were both spent had been the natural consequence of the night. It had been heart-shattering in its intensity, to move inside of her again after so long, to have her cling to him, her lips sucking on his neck. It also was all out of the blue in a way, undoubtedly impetuous, and yet designed and deliberate. Their existence seemed to be written in the stars. He had stopped fighting against the attraction and passion and love he felt for this woman a long time ago. He would now just accept the pervasive invasion of those feelings, paying attention not to tell Lisa how much he felt the past few years had changed everything about him. His desires, his priorities, his hopes, his plans for the future.

Some parts of him he had just… let go. And now that those parts were finally far away, he could observe them with such clarity while they stayed at a safe distance from him.

He had resented his ex-wife for such a long time. For so long, he had felt that it was her fault that they had never truly gotten back together after the event that had effectively split his life in two. However, as time passed, he had started to realize that Lisa’s actions were mostly reactions to his own deeds. To his stubbornness and arrogance in some instances. To his tendency to taking her for granted. To his years-long inability to fully commit, to his unwillingness to give her the stability and presence that she had always needed.

And deserved.

To bring up his epiphany, that epiphany that had hit him in its full scope while he observed her slowly getting dressed again, the morning after, was pointless. Especially now, with so much on the table once again. It was just too late.

However, Michael had not been able to dominate the intruding thoughts that had pestered his days and nights since their last encounter, a couple of months earlier. Lisa was gone, but her incorporeal presence had never left.

And just as invisible and unheard of, she had remained up until twenty-four hours earlier.

Then she had called his hotel in Vegas. The fact alone that she knew that he was there and where he was staying at didn’t surprise Michael in the slightest. Through the years, he and Lisa had always been more than capable of getting a hold of each other if only they wanted to. But him being out that afternoon, shopping with the kids after an endless business meeting, and having forgotten his cell phone in the suite had kind of altered their standard procedure.

When Michael had gone back to the hotel, his staff had informed him that Miss Presley had been looking for him and he had discovered to be entirely unprepared for his own emotional reaction. His hands had started to sweat. His legs felt wobbly. There was just something tickling his sixth sense and he didn’t know what it was.

And so he had left – right away. Packed the kids and brought half of the staff with him, he had taken a plane back to Los Angeles in a hurry, because Lisa had told one of his security guys that she was staying at her Hidden Hills home.

Only after they landed he had gotten another call. Same guy, embarrassed too. Suddenly remembering that “Miss Presley had also added that she would meet you in Vegas, boss.”

Michael had closed his eyes while Paris pulled at his sleeve.

“Daddy? Are you OK?”

No, he was not fucking OK. He wanted to fire the dude immediately. Strangle him, maybe. But he was not going to have a temper tantrum in front of his daughter.

He had smiled.

“Yes, Paris. I’m perfectly fine.” Hanging up the phone without saying another word, he picked up the little girl. “You ready to go see grandma?”

Thank goodness for his mother. He needed to have the freedom to move around as he pleased. And had to intercept Lisa and find out why she was looking for him.

That tingling feeling in the pit of his chest again. This time, Michael had to swallow hard to make it stop.

 

---

 

This was not at all the way she wanted to present herself to him. She was supposed to be at her absolute best when she saw him again. To have the time and the chance to don the right outfit and look well-rested and relaxed for him, just like she had done when she had shown up at his new mansion in Caroolwood, right on time for Prince’s birthday.

She didn’t like that house at all. It was way too close to her dad’s house and exuded some sort of bad vibes. When she had woken up the next morning, after making love to Michael all night, she had been this close to asking him to just leave with her. But she couldn’t. It was way too soon and she hadn’t come to the conclusion that was now solid as a stone in her mind.

Now, as she found herself facing the door of his Hideout, it occurred to her that this was some sort of deja-vu. She was about to once again enter the apartment where she and Michael had made love for the first time, almost twenty years earlier. How many things had changed since then… and how many had stayed the same. If back then theirs had been a hello, Lisa was not going to allow this occasion to be another goodbye.

However, she did look like shit and she certainly needed a long shower. She had flown back from Vegas the very moment Michael had finally been able to call her on the phone, telling her that he was in L.A.

“Weren’t you supposed to be fly back tomorrow?”

“Ah… Yes, but then you called. So I thought I could meet you in L.A.”

“But I’m in Vegas now, looking for you.”

She had to laugh, and his cute little giggle over the phone had managed to lift her spirit. He didn’t sound bothered by her showing up again after their last… meeting. Quite the opposite, in fact.

“But I’m not there anymore.”

“Yeah, no shit!”

“This conversation is weird.”

“It is. You know what? I’m taking another plane back to Los Angeles right away.”

“Lisa, don’t. I’ll meet you there. Just let me take care of it.”

“No way. This is a mess.” She had laughed again. What else could she do? It was so endearing to finally allow herself to be clumsy with him. “I’ll see you in a few hours then, OK?”

She had heard him take a long, deep, cleansing breath.

“OK… You think it’s gonna be nice?”

Lisa had closed her eyes. Michael would never understand how nice it always had been for her to see him. To feel him close.

“I sure hope so. Where can I find you once I land?”

“I don’t know. Wherever you want. You want me to wait for you at Hidden Hills?”

“No, Riley and Ben are there with Danny.”

He had stayed quiet for a moment.

“And your husband?”

Of course.

“No… He’s someplace else.”

Another pause.

“…I see.”

“So? Where can I see you?”

“What about my Hideout?”

Lisa had smiled to herself. That just sounded so… right.

“Sounds good. I’ll be there in a few hours. Don’t fall asleep on me, grandpa.”

Michael had giggled again, and it had sounded carefree. Hopeful. So similar to what they had experienced so many times in the past.

“Fat chance…” Another long sigh. “And… Hey, Lise…”

“What…”

“Why are you looking for me?”

“I’ll tell you when I see you.” She had wished she could reach him through the device. That was how bad she needed to be face to face with him. “No more big declarations over the phone.”

“Thank goodness…”

His voice a whisper and she recognized what was hidden between the lines. He was right. Always had been, about so many things.

And so Lisa had taken that plane. And now, she was finally back in L.A. and was totally not feeling at her best. She was tired, her muscles were sore and her clothes were crumpled.

Michael opened the door before she could even knock. He stared at her. He looked… cautious and slightly guarded. But there was also something else in his dark eyes. Something that Lisa could not pinpoint.

“Well… That was quicker than I expected.”

“I really needed to see you.”

“You forgot something, the last time we met? ‘Cause in that case, it’s probably in Carolwood.”

Lisa made a face.

“I don’t like that place. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah… I am too.”

That was all that she needed. Stepping into the apartment, she gently took his face in her hands and he immediately bent his head, capturing her lips. The kiss was slow, soft. Promising.

Breaking the contact was difficult and Lisa felt dizzy. She kept her eyes closed as she spoke.

“Can I take a shower?”

 

---

He had been clueless before and still was. Even now, as he heard the water running just a door away from him, Michael wondered what had propelled Lisa to come back. So quickly and so unexpectedly. Over the phone first, and later in person, she had exuded vibes that he hadn’t recognized in years. There was a clarity in her, a serenity mixed with cautious concern, that struck him as new.

It bothered him to have to wait for her to take that shower, even though she clearly needed to unwind a bit. He had always been an impatient man and, and despite having become more tamed with age, all of a sudden he felt as bouncy as he used to be when he was thirty. He just wanted Lisa to get out of the darn bathroom, look at him with those water-like eyes, and tell him that she loved him. That she was utterly and completely in love with him and that nothing else mattered. And then he wanted to take her into her arms and never let her go again.

Yeah… You old sap. But that’s very unlikely, man. Maybe she’s here because she wants a redo of what happened that night. Maybe it’s nothing important at all.

Well, maybe. But it also wouldn’t make any sense. In the past years, their encounters had never required them to run after the other that way. The news about their reciprocal whereabouts managed to find them and meeting had always been relatively easy. Leaving, on the other hand, had always been difficult. It would continuously feel as if they were leaving a piece of themselves behind and, all of a sudden, it occurred to Michael that he was not sure if he was up to that, tonight. If he was willing to experience that pain, that loneliness, that sense of abandonment and defeat again.

Well, then… Maybe you should just send her away. You know you’re gonna have a lot of stuff to focus on very soon. You don’t need her. She messes you all up and you gotta be lucid.

Fuck, yes. It was the truth. He had big plans for the next couple of years or so. Stuff he was not even entirely down with, but that had to be done anyway. Because the machine that he was to be world needed to keep going, it didn’t matter that he had become older, that he was tired, that he no longer felt any excitement to do what he had already done thousands of times. Wash, rinse, repeat. But maybe, with Lisa by his side, everything would be easier. Safer.

But isn’t it the same with her? Wash, rinse, repeat?

His inner voice could be eye-opening at times, but on some occasions, it was insidious. Cunning. Like this one.

No, it had never been wash, rinse and repeat with Lisa. Their defense mechanisms were, but not the feelings they felt for each other. That much, Michael knew.

And so, instead of telling her that this meeting was not only unplanned but also totally uncalled for, he walked over to the bathroom and pushed the door open. Wasn’t it curious that she had left it ajar? As if she expected – or wanted – for him to come in.

The bathroom was filled with steam and the air smelled like vanilla. He saw the outline of Lisa’s gorgeous body through the glass and it almost left him breathless. She was even more beautiful than he remembered. The last time they had been together, the storm had taken them both away and he had not had the chance to observe her this way. Michael just stood there, perfectly still, for a minute or two.

It was her voice that startled him.

“If you gotta stay here, at least close the door.”

He knew that she was smiling and the mere idea of her being so relaxed made him grin. Where was all this comfort coming from? Or even better, where had it been hidden up until this very moment?

Clearing his throat, Michael closed the door and leaned against the sink, wanting to keep his privileged point of view intact.

“Doesn’t it bother you that I’m here?”

“Well, it’s your apartment, so…”

“I mean here, watching you.”

“I doubt there’s something here you haven’t seen before, Mike.”

He chuckled and rubbed his tired eyes.

“OK… Now you’re being naughty on purpose.”

“Absolutely not.”

She turned off the water and opened the glass door and Michael glanced up at her. Lisa was standing there, naked and gorgeous like a forsaken deity. He blinked, thinking that maybe he was dreaming after all, because this was such a surreal scenario. But no, she didn’t disappear in a blow of smoke. She was still there and was looking at him, her long hair dripping and plastered to the sides of her face and her shoulders. He also realized that she was not trying to seduce him, even though she was a sight to die for. Michael felt as if her nudity had a much more profound meaning, tonight.

“Michael…”

“Yes…” His voice sounded husky all of a sudden.

“I need to feel your skin on mine. I need to feel you.”

He didn’t move.

“Why…”

This time, the word didn’t even come out. He just mouthed it and Lisa’s eyes seemed to become liquid.

“Because I am in love with you. Because I really do fucking love you and I’m so fucking tired to pretend it doesn’t matter whenever I leave you.”

“Then why do you even leave?”

She just shook her head, closing her eyes. Oh, he knew. She would leave for the same reason why he did. Because of fear. Because of their incoercible, damned fear.

Lisa motioned to step out of the shower and he moved quietly, stepping closer, pulling her into his arms. The most natural thing to do. The most forbidden. She buried her face against his chest and sniffled.

“You might think I’ve gone crazy, but… I just don’t wanna be afraid anymore. In fact… I’m fucking not. And I don’t even fucking care what you’re gonna say. I’m no longer scared.”

Smiling sadly, his eyes closed, Michael kissed the top of her head.

“You’re not?”

She didn’t reply.

“Mike… Careful… I’m all wet.”

He pulled back and stared at her, just scanning her eyes, looking for some sort of uncertainty or deception. He found none. Should he tell her that, after that last time, he had struggled to not go after her as she left? Struggled like he hadn’t done in a very, very long time? That he would see her everywhere he went, even in paintings, in museums? In his dreams, all the time, whenever he was lucky enough to get some sleep? That he too was tired of being scared, of running away, of letting her run away? Maybe not. Not now, at least. This was her moment.

“I don’t care.”

He removed the t-shirt that he was wearing, never breaking eye-contact. She too held his gaze, even as her hands started working on the belt and zipper of his pants, helping him get naked. He knew that the mere contact with her body had rendered him aroused, but now it didn’t even matter. This moment right there was much more important than sex.

“I just wanna know what changed.”

“Nothing. And everything.” She just shrugged, then pushed his pants and underwear down. “Last time we were together, it just made me think. I couldn’t avoid it anymore. Running away from it was just not an option.”

Michael tilted her head up.

“Lise…”

He wanted to say something, but the words were frozen in his throat.

“Mike… Do you remember what happened, that night?”

He gave her a lopsided smirk and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not that old, you know?”

She scoffed and her hand came up, resting on his cheek gently.

“No, you’re not old at all.” Her thumb traced his chin. “We didn’t use any precautions. Do you remember that?”

Michael blinked. What was she saying? Yes, he knew they hadn’t. But he hadn’t thought about it that much, really. He had just assumed that she was on the pill. After all, they had rarely used condoms in the past, so he had not deemed the event as significant.

“You weren’t on the pill?”

“No.”

“Because you’re… trying to have a baby with your husband?” He squinted his eyes. “It’s just something I’ve read…”

“I’m not having any baby with Lockwood.”

He swallowed hard.

“You think I… got you pregnant?”

Oh, God. Please, let it be it. Let her be pregnant with my child.

Her gaze stayed open. Almost vulnerable. There was so much serenity in her eyes.

“I don’t know. I might very well be, you know. I’m late, that’s for sure. But that’s not even the point.”

At the moment, Michael was almost deafened by the sound of his own heartbeat drumming like crazy in his ears. He held onto her waist, hoping not to pass out because of sheer emotion. He needed her to keep talking, even though he certainly was starting to understand what she meant.

“Then what is it…”

He asked anyway. Just in case his obvious lack of blood to the brain had suddenly impacted his reasoning ability.

“At first I wanted to be sure before even telling you, but then I sorta caught on… I didn’t even need that. To know for sure, I mean. The possibility alone was more than enough to slap me awake. I don’t even know how to explain… It felt like waking up from a long dream. Every doubt was gone. Fear, too. Whether this baby is there or not, I realized that I just needed to take care of you… If you still want me to. I just wanted to be close to you, see you, tell you that maybe… maybe we could…”

He couldn’t stand it anymore. Pulling her into him, Michael kissed her hard, in such a liberating way that he smiled in the kiss. Freefall. No parachutes. No nothing. He knew the landing was going to be soft. He knew they would be safe.

Lisa reciprocated fully and, without leaving her lips, he picked her up, walking out of the bathroom and to his bedroom. Gently laying her there, on the soft sheets. Still kissing her. He knew they had more to talk about, but the first time in years they weren’t in a hurry. They had all the time in the world and it was their choice.

The fact that just imagining to be pregnant with his baby had propelled her back to him was a miracle in itself. But after all, in a way, hadn’t Lisa always been that, for him? It didn’t matter how many times she had said the same to him. That he was her revelation and always would be.

Michael took her in a way that he had almost completely forgotten. With pure and unadulterated abandon, with zero self-defenses. It was as if her words had effectively washed away whatever shred of doubt and bitterness remained. Whatever fear. She was right. All of a sudden, he too was brave. He too felt as if he could face anything.

They rolled over on the mattress and he stared down at her as she worshiped his body with kisses and caresses. The expression on her face even more arousing than the intensity of their lovemaking. When she started stroking his painfully erect penis, it felt like the sweetest touch and the umpteenth confirmation that she was there to stay, that they both were. When she almost managed to make him lose his mind with her lips and her tongue, it was nothing but another reminder of why nobody but her could ever really do.

And then he took her. Lying on top of her, entering her slowly, inch by inch, enjoying the expression of pure ecstasy on her beautiful face as he finally took back what had always been his. As she finally relinquished all control – not only over her body, but over her soul and spirit as well.

They moved together in a slow, long, deliberate dance. It was beyond intense, to the point that at times they had to close their eyes and just trust their touch, and hearing, and smell. They kissed forever, as if it was their first time and just like the very first time. After all, their story was ending – and starting again – exactly where it had begun.

When they came, it happened simultaneously and it was so violent that Michael cried out, his head spinning, his ears buzzing. He thought he would never stop releasing into her. In the most hidden corner of his mind, he hoped that – if Lisa wasn’t already pregnant with his baby – this would do the trick. And judging by the way she clung to him, her thighs cradling his hips, her torso arched, maybe she was hoping for the same outcome. She had gone back at being an open vessel and they were about to sail.

“I love you,” he sobbed, his hand fisting in her hair. “I love you so damn much.”

Lisa’s tears didn’t surprise him. Only, this time they were not the result of any deep-seated desperation and they were not the prelude of any goodbye. Not anymore.

Afterward, they got quiet. He stayed inside of her for the longest time, not wanting to let her go. Loving the feeling of her body holding him prisoner. He wanted her to keep him captive forever. Her fingers stroking his hair, her lips gently tracing the lines of his face, his neck, his shoulder. Her tongue touching his collarbone, her uneven breathing. All was amplified and all was perfect.

This time, he knew she would not get dressed and leave him there. Abandoning a part of herself, ignored and forlorn, behind in the process. This time everything was different.

When he finally pulled out of her body, Lisa sighed and snuggled against his chest. He pulled her close, then raked his fingers through her long hair.

“What about your husband…”

“We broke up two months ago.”

Oh.

“Before or after we…”

“The morning after. When I got back home, I told him it was over. We were both relieved.”

Really? Another confirmation that tabloids were full of shit.

“So… Your epiphany… Your great realization… It happened before you thought we might have a baby…”

It was supposed to be a question, but it certainly didn’t sound like one.

“Maybe.”

OK…

“Michael…”

“Yes, baby girl?”

“I can’t tell you for sure, but what I do know is that I started wondering…” She sat up slightly, looking down at him and Michael found himself enraptured by the perfection of her features. “…What have we gotten wrong? For all this time. And then it struck me. I think… We didn’t trust our instinct enough.”

Michael cradled her face. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again.

Lisa smiled.

“That instinct that always has us fly in the same orbit. That has brought us together and keeps pulling us close. It has to mean something. And it occurred to me… That it means everything.”

He bit his lip. She was right. It was all that mattered.

“I should have told you every day how much I love you.” And he knew he should have said those words a long time ago. “If you let me, I will, from now on.”

Her eyes welling up again, she kissed him, the pulled back ever so slightly. Their foreheads touched.

“Mike… Of all the times we said goodbye, I never really wanted it to be for real. Or forever.” Her fingertips grazed his unshaved cheek. “But how many times can we say goodbye and survive? How many times are we allowed to say goodbye before our hearts truly shatter?”

Michael sat up fully. His eyes scanned her. Her naked breasts, her tousled hair. Her perfect face.

“I don’t know. But I don’t want to find out. I don’t want my heart to shatter… and I can’t stand to break yours again.”

“Me neither.”

“Yeah?”

She smiled and sniffled.

“Yeah.” Reaching out, she took his hand and kissed it. “What if I’m not pregnant, after all?”

With his free hand, Michael pushed a long strand of hair behind her ear.

“Well… First thing in the morning, we’ll find out if you are. And if you’re not, then… Maybe we can try again.”

 

 

End.

 

“We’ll meet again, Don’t know where, don’t know when, But I know we’ll meet again, Some sunny day.”
– Vera Lynn