Chapter 1 – Then
Santa Barbara County – April 30th, 2004
The man walking out into the family room, in the main mansion, had a tall and imposing physical presence to him. However, his eyes were gentle, compassionate and his long white hair made him look almost like a shaman. Lisa didn’t move and stood by the coffee table, one hand resting on the backrest of the armchair. Facing the couch but not at all in the mood to sit on it and drink the tea that someone from the staff had so kindly prepared for her. Not that it would have been of any utility, at this point. The tea had become cold.
Lisa had been waiting for about half an hour now and she didn’t mind one bit. In the past, such long wait and her short temper would have collided, causing an outburst of rage and propelling her straight outside the ranch. But not that day. She understood that this situation was, somehow, like nothing they had experienced before.
They. If there wasn’t any “they” at all.
In the end, she would have waited for hours if necessary. The only thing that she needed was to see Michael, and the fact that it hadn’t happened in over a year didn’t matter that much. In the grand scheme of things, this very moment was all that could make a difference. Maybe. Hopefully.
Lisa and the white-haired man stood there for a moment, gazing at each other from the opposite corners of the room and not really knowing what to do. They both felt uneasy. His eyes told her that he knew who she was, but also that he hadn’t been expecting to see her there, at Michael’s ranch. Especially now.
Well, yeah. To a certain extent, she had surprised herself as well. When she had gone to bed the night before, she had been still trying to ban the thought of her ex-husband, ex-lover, ex-everything from her mind. She had also told herself that everything would have been clearer in the bright light of day.
Man, she had been right for sure.
The problem? The next morning, Michael occupied all the available space in her mind. The memories of him, his words through the years, his eyes. Fighting against that feeling of fullness was pointless, since Lisa knew that there was no way out of it. The bubbling sensation that she had tried to tame for months had finally erupted like a volcano, and she was incinerated. She knew that she had to go to him. There was no more energy left in her to stay away.
And that was exactly why she had driven over to the ranch.
After looking startled for a moment, the man smiled and walked in her direction. He extended his hand.
“Miss Presley… Good afternoon. My name is Tom Mesereau.” Noticing Lisa’s confused expression, his smile softened. “I’m Michael’s new attorney. I know who you are because… Well, also because Michael and I have spoken a bit about you.”
Right… That was who the man was. She had even seen him on TV once, but at the moment she had been unable to connect the dots. There was so much going on, and her emotions were on overload. All over the place. And what had he said, again? That Michael had spoken about her? Lisa didn’t know what to make of that, but she was glad that Mr. Mesereau seemed friendly.
“Oh, yes… Of course. I am so sorry, Mr. Mesereau. I know who you are. I’m just…” She shook her head. “…This is just a lot to take in, that’s all.”
“It’s OK. Michael told me to let you know…” He cleared his throat. “…That he’s waiting for you in his study. I am sorry it took us so long, we had…”
“Plenty to talk about. Yes. Of course. I understand.”
Lisa could tell that Tom was still a bit uncomfortable. Yet, he was very good at keeping up that neutral, serene facade. She wondered if it was genuine or nothing but a decoy to keep his real thoughts hidden. After all, things weren’t exactly peachy at the moment.
She had arrived at the ranch earlier that afternoon. When she had come to know that Michael was back after pleading not guilty to ten counts retained by the Grand Jury, she had jumped in her car. The fact that he had just recently changed his legal team had also been relieving to her. Unlike some of the so-called professionals that had worked for Michael in the past, Mesereau seemed grounded and calm and competent. Lisa had conducted a bit of research on him on the Internet a few weeks earlier, knowing that Michael was considering him as his new lawyer. She had been glad to find out that the man was astounding in his profession. Her ex-husband had surrounded himself with countless incompetent lackeys for far too long and it was time for some fresh air.
“Well… I’m on my way out and Michael is alone now, so…” Tom shrugged. His eyebrows sprung up. “Will I see you again, ma’am?”
She let out a sad smile.
“I sure hope so.”
“Amazing. Then.. I’m looking forward to it. Have a great evening, it was such a pleasure to finally meet you.”
“Yeah… Likewise.” She bit her lip. “Thank you for what you’re doing for Michael, Mr. Mesereau.”
“Please, call me Tom. I am happy to help. Michael is a good man.”
Lisa nodded her head.
“Yes… Yes, he is.”
The door had been left ajar and Lisa stopped in front of it, not sure if she should call him or knock. Before she could make up her mind, Michael broke the silence – obviously having sensed her presence.
“Come on in, Lisa Marie…”
She stared down at her own shoes for a moment, then pushed the door open.
Michael was at the opposite side of the room, sitting at his desk, his hands clasped on a yellow notepad. He looked older and worn out. Knowing him the way she did, Lisa recognized that it was because of the stress, the heartbreak, the lack of sleep.
“Hey…”
His dark eyes stared at her for a moment. Something flashed through them before everything went black again. Like a TV screen being turned off.
“Hey yourself. You are possibly the last person I was expecting to see.”
How was she supposed to take his words? Were they good? Were they bad? Everything felt like walking on a carpet made of eggshells. Or a minefield. One wrong step and she would end up ripped to shreds, reduced to a pulp on the ground. Bleeding out.
“I know. And yet… Here I am.”
He stood still, gazing at her with reddened eyes. Looking exhausted. Even more so than the first time around, so many years earlier.
“Why?”
“Because I should have never left.”
Michael blinked, and it was clear how taken aback he was by the clarity and complete openness of her words. Lisa feared that those were the last words he would have expected to hear from the last person on the planet he expected to see. However, the sad truth was that she was as much in the dark as he was when it came to his reaction to the whole thing. All of a sudden, this man sitting in his comfortable chair, at his desk, wearing his perfect three-piece suit, like a seasoned businessman, almost looked like a complete stranger.
And so Lisa just stood there, twisting the belt of the light trench she was wearing, waiting for him to make the next move. She saw him bite the inside of his cheek, then he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was so not good…
She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, her heart dropping.
“You want me to leave?”
At first as still as a statue, Michael then began to shake his head. It was pretty much an imperceptible movement. He was still pinching the bridge of his nose and his eyes were still closed shut. While Lisa’s eyes were starting to burn.
OK… Message received. Time to go. Too little, too late.
She spun on her heels almost in slow motion, inhaling a long breath and focusing on her heartbeat, suddenly up into her ears, just to hold onto something, anything. Moving the first step toward the door and outside of Michael’s life. This was so very different from what they had experienced eighteen months earlier. Back then, they had engaged in one of their nastiest fights which eventually had turned into their final breakup. It had felt like the ultimate nail in the coffin.
Lisa still remembered the acidic sensation in the pit of her stomach. How her heart had dropped when she had realized that he would not see what she was trying so hard to show him. It felt like falling into the darkness, into the unknown. It occurred to her that this love that just would not go away wouldn’t bring any a happy ending. In fact, she and Michael were not going to have any of that “and they lived happily ever after” crap. That this was the end and she had no weapons to fight against it.
It had been deadly, lethal in a way, and Lisa knew that she and Michael both had tried to move on afterward. They had seen other people, slept with other people, attempted to find some semblance of new normalcy with people they were not in love with. They had managed to survive, somehow, knowing well that some limbs had been severed and were still there, between the clamps of the bear trap. Or maybe, in a more apt simile, in the jaws of the shark.
The following year or so had been both elation and punishment. She had gone straight back into the open arms of the Church, and she had asked, pleaded for them to help her forget all about him. She had stopped short of begging them, flat out, to help her stop loving him. Even though she knew that it was impossible, and that the best she could do was pretend. While keeping the secret inside. That secret that was nothing but a love that would just not die.
Through mutual acquaintances and on TV, she had also discovered that Michael was unwell. She could tell that there was something off about him. She had come to know that lately he often tended to drink a little too much, that at times he was over-medicated, and that he had been indulging in several mindless affairs. It had been the final push toward the exit door – at least intention-wise. Pretending that he didn’t exist anymore was better than imagining him in bed with other women or shit-faced drunk on the very expensive carpet of his lounge. Or even worse, surrounded by those doctors feelgood that she had always hated with a passion. If, on the surface, she paid no attention to him, the truth was she was still watching. And she knew that he was doing the same.
And then, when the allegations had hit him again, she had crumbled. Not at first, of course not. At first she had put on her no-nonsense, down-to-business mask, trying to rationalize it all. Knowing that the man they described in the press was nothing like the real Michael. Thinking that he would pull through once again. But then she had seen the footage of him entering the Police Department in handcuffs. She had seen him on TV, looking lost and forlorn. It had been the first crack into her armor. The most severe one. Then, when the charges had been formally leveled against him, she had shattered like glass.
For a while she had still been able to not get in touch with him, but things had started to change in her life almost in an automatic manner. The Church had become an increasingly suffocating presence for Lisa. Part of their treatment involved introducing her to men she didn’t care about. Men she would try to date, men she sometimes would sleep with. At one point it just could not be done any longer. Without even knowing how, she had broken free – realizing that she had enough. It had happened quickly and in a very clean and civil fashion, and Lisa hoped they would not end up going after her. Once the protective shield of a cult-like ensemble was gone, she was left with no defenses.
Earlier that day, while she drove over to Michael’s ranch almost in a dreamlike state, she had discovered that she was way too tired to keep fighting her feelings for him. She also knew that she had not been this clear-minded in a very long time.
Now, of course she had considered that Michael could be over her, but seeing that collected expression on his face was a blow to the heart. He looked remote, pensive, far away. No longer the medicated guy she had seen on TV or heard about from common acquaintances, but not the man she used to make love to until she passed out, either. It was as if part of the person she used to know was gone.
The fact that maybe he didn’t need her, after all, was the last flash of thought crossing her mind in the handful of seconds that passed between her last words to him and her body turning to the door. The power of the mind was incredible. Within mere instants she went through a tracking shot that pretty much showed their entire story together. Perhaps it was akin to what people experienced when they were dying, because sure as hell a part of her was about to shrivel and fall off her at this very moment.
She didn’t hear him move, but the moment she touched the door handle, she did feel his presence. Michael was right behind her, his aura wrapping itself around her like a light, like a heat – dimmed down, yes, but still there. Still unmistakable. Still breathtaking.
Before she could push the door open, his hands had closed on both her arms. Not aggressively, but in a firm fashion. He didn’t tug, didn’t pull her back – he didn’t even stop her. Not in a physical sense, at least. She could have broken free if only she had wanted it, but of course – the moment he touched her, Lisa felt paralyzed. She swallowed hard and felt him move a step forward and straight into her personal space. Michael’s chest was almost adhering to her back. She felt his breathing against the back of her head. Then he inhaled the scent of her hair and held his breath for a moment.
His hands were warm and strong and she was lost.
“Tell me again why you’re here.” He spoke and his voice sounded low, deep, quite raspy. As if he had yelled until he was breathless, cried until he had passed out, or simply didn’t have any more energy left in him.
As she kept staring at the door, her hand came up and came to rest over his. He moved his hand right away, entwining his fingers with hers. God… Talk about unexpected reactions. The contact felt so right, so relieving.
“Because I couldn’t stay away anymore. And I don’t want to.” Lisa turned, still holding onto his fingers. “It’s so hard to love you, at times. So fucking hard. But pretending not to love you… That’s even harder. That’s unimaginable.”
His face was still impenetrable and she didn’t know what to do with it. Maybe all this was a misunderstanding. Maybe he needed to be reassured… Or perhaps, he only wanted her to admit that she had indeed capitulated. However, she would not let her pride get in the middle of this. It was far too late for foolish games – especially given the damages they had already caused. Maybe, had she and Michael been a little more humble in the past, right now they wouldn’t be going through this.
Lisa took a deep breath, her feet still rooted to the ground, her heart drumming in her chest like a caged butterfly.
“And I wanna be with you… Through this. If you’ll still have me. I wanna be by your side as you pull through. Because you’re gonna win this, Michael. The truth will come out and this nightmare will finally end.”
Michael blinked again, several times, as if he had something stuck in his eyes. The rest of his face stayed collected.
“So… Just let me be with you. As a friend, at least. Or as your partner… Because I love you, I never stopped, and I don’t wanna-”
He pulled her into his arms and held onto her as if it was the only thing he could do. And maybe it was. He buried his face in the hollow of her neck and exhaled a long breath. His eyes were closed and his voice was nothing but a whisper.
“Then stay. Be mine… Be mine again… Forever…” He kissed her neck. “…Don’t ever leave again. I love you so much, Lisa… And I need you… So much.”
And so she did.
Lisa stayed, without really knowing where she and Michael would go from there. She let him take the lead, recognizing the more than sensitive nature of the moment. In complete clarity of mind, she put herself in his hands despite knowing that the outcome could be terrifying and maybe even destructive. She wanted to be with him – forever, if possible – but she was also ready to go if only he asked her to.
He never did. He never told her to leave.
As a matter of fact, later that night Michael asked her if it was okay for her to sleep with him. And by sleeping, he truly meant sleeping. He seemed hesitant and Lisa recognized the same signs of insecurity that he had displayed so often at the very beginning of their relationship, when he was not even sure if she liked him or not. While in fact she had already fallen in love with him, body and soul. It had been inevitable then, and it was inevitable now.
Of course she wanted to sleep in his bed, by his side. It was a given.
They went to bed and, once in the darkness, Lisa stayed there staring at the ceiling. Waiting and hoping that he would fall asleep first, that she could make sure that he was relaxing, that he would be able to rest. Watching over him in the subtlest way she could. He had told her that he had been unable to unwind, that his mind had been reeling non-stop, and it made all the sense in the world.
Sadly, neither one of them ever fell asleep that night. However, after a few minutes she felt him scoot closer and touch her shoulder. She turned, facing him without saying a word. Snuggling against his chest, one leg lightly draped over him, reveling in the warm sensation of his physical presence. At first stiff, Michael’s body relaxed and she felt his fingers playing with her hair.
She wanted to cry – both in sadness and relief. That intimacy was what she had missed the most in the past eighteen months. Just by being so close to him again, Lisa started to wonder how she had ever been able to survive a single day without him.
They stayed like that for hours, their limbs intertwined, without moving, without sleeping. Not uttering a word.
The night felt both endless and fleeting and, after watching the sunrise through the curtains of the French doors, she closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again and looked up at Michael, he was staring down at her with an expression that mixed love, longing, sadness, fear. And hope, too.
Acting out of sheer instinct, out of nothing but gut feeling, Lisa reached up, touching his cheek. Loving the raspy feeling of his morning stubble scraping her palm. Leaning up on her elbow, she gazed into his eyes.
“I love you. I am in love with you.” She let out a small smile. It felt so good to say it out loud again. So natural. “Please don’t ever doubt that.”
Michael swallowed, still for a moment, then he brought her head closer and found her lips.
Just like his words the night before, that first kiss was tentative and hesitant. Lisa touched his chin and deepened the contact, feeling bold all of a sudden and, more than anything else, needing to feel more of him. Longing for all that he was and everything that he could give her. She had missed him so much, and now that the scent of his skin was everything that she felt, she realized that she hadn’t been able to tolerate that longing. She had pushed it away, tried to hide it in some secluded corner of her mind. But as usual, when it came to Michael, it was of no utility. Whatever she felt for him would always come back.
He accepted the shy contact of her tongue and caressed it with his own, and Lisa couldn’t do anything but moan softly into his mouth. Her fingers tangled in his hair, she kissed him again and again as if it was all that mattered and everything that she needed to survive.
Every fear was dispelled with the flick of a switch, metaphorically speaking. It was as if something snapped in Michael’s mind. He moved, rolling over on the mattress, bringing her with him, coming to rest almost on top of her body. He was still a bit timid, far from the dominant and commanding lover Lisa had known in their long, tumultuous love story, but at least the remote stranger she had met the day before was gone.
When she felt his erection press against her belly, she about lost her mind then and there. She broke the kiss, panting, holding his head in her hands. Noticing that his face was flushed. He wanted this just as much as she did. It had been such a long time since…
“Make love to me…” Pulling his head down, she touched his forehead with hers. “…I need you so much it hurts.”
Michael stared at her for a moment and she felt him tremble. Then, without breaking eye-contact, he slowly pulled her t-shirt up her belly and Lisa raised her upper body to help him take it off. Just like always, being naked in front of him felt like the rightest thing in the world. That was another one of the things that hadn’t changed.
His strong, warm hand caressed her collarbone, her flat stomach, then her breasts, gently, making her moan.
“You are so gorgeous, Lise… So beautiful…”
God… He was so sweet. So tender.
“And I’m all yours. Kiss me… Please. I need you to kiss me until I can’t take it anymore. I love you.”
It was then that he smiled. The first full smile since she had seen him again, like the sun breaking open a stormy sky. As if those words – I love you – were finally sinking in. What they meant and what they entailed.
Taking advantage of the fact that his kids were all at Katherine’s and they would be back only later that evening, Michael and Lisa made love for hours that morning. They had a quiet, frugal lunch, and then they made love again, and again, and again until the sky turned from blue to purple.
Having him slide inside of her for the first time made her feel as she was finally breathing again after too much time spent underwater. The delicious mixture of pleasure and pain that she would always experience when they made love after having spent too much time apart made her feel as if he was going to split her in two. How could she have forgotten what it felt like, to have him glide in and out of her in those slow, languid movements?
It was soul-crushing, that very first day that they spent together – finally reconnecting on so many levels. It felt like a new beginning in all the ways that mattered.
The next day, while Lisa spent hours reacquainting herself with Michael’s kids, she noticed Michael gazing at her longingly several times. He never said a word about it, she never knew what was in his mind back then. He had become way more laconic and of course he was worried about his and his kids’ future. Lisa hoped that her presence would help him go through the ordeal he had been so unjustly subjected to with a little more serenity.
Since then, she only left his side sporadically to go home and spend time with Riley and Ben. Several times she asked Michael to go with her, telling him that the kids wanted to see him and kept begging her to convince him. Weirdly enough, he never accepted – replying that he would wait for the trial to be over to meet them again. Not wanting to bring what he called “the dark cloud” over to Hidden Hills.
As the weeks progressed, Michael also became more and more comfortable around Lisa. What had started out as his need to weigh her up, reassess her intentions and the deepest meaning of her presence by his side, ended up becoming the restoration of much-needed trust, intimacy, familiarity. And also, willingness to communicate again. As if he had finally understood that she was back for good and would not leave again.
“I love it…”
“What, baby?”
She had almost fallen asleep when his raspy voice startled her awake. They were in bed and her head was resting on his chest. She loved to listen to his heartbeat through the thin fabric of his t-shirt.
“The way you act around my kids… You’re so good to them.”
Lisa lifted her head and watched him. His eyes were, as usual as of late, collected and distant.
“They are amazing kids. They have such a wonderful father.”
“And you’re a wonderful mother.” He sighed. “I can’t wait to see Danielle and Ben again. I miss them.”
“They miss you too. They love you, baby. They really do. You know that.” Leaning closer, she kissed him.
When she pulled back, she noticed that he had never closed his eyes, like he usually did while kissing her back. Instead, he was still staring at her.
“You know… I thought about calling you several times in the past months… Even before all this happened.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “…But I wasn’t well. I wasn’t really myself.”
“I know. It’s OK. We’re here now… It’s all that matters.”
He kissed her hard.
“By the way… What did you do to try to get over me?”
“Try? Pretty sure of yourself, Michael, huh?”
He pinched her side, trying to lighten up the mood, making her yelp and bite him lightly.
“Ouch!”
“Wimp.”
Lisa laughed and he just grinned in return, his eyes tired. This was the best they could do when it came to playing, now. So much had changed.
“Sure of myself? When it comes to us? When it comes to… hell, everything? At one point in my life, yeah… Maybe I was. But not now. Not anymore.”
Touching his face, she turned serious.
“Michael… How could you honestly think that I was ever over you?”
“Well… I didn’t think anything, really. I was way too busy trying to survive and move on. I’m just saying that you sure did a great job in pretending you were, Lise… Over me, that is.”
Once upon a time, shit like this would have set her off like a rocket. But not right now, especially since there wasn’t a single drop of venom in Michael’s voice. He was being open, and she knew what he meant. He was used to see her come back to him, even grovel before him at times, but it hadn’t happened at all in the past year and a half. She had genuinely tried to move on and banish him from her mind and her heart. And although even back then she knew that it wouldn’t work, cutting all forms of communication with him certainly hadn’t reassured him in that department. For the very first time since they had fallen in love, Michael was lost.
“I went to Clearwater and begged them to help me in every way they could…”
“Help you do what?”
“Forget all about you. I just wanted for you to stop existing in everything I saw and in every breath I took. That was my only chance at being over you…” She tilted her head. “…But it didn’t work. It never does… I don’t think it ever will. There really is no remedy to this, seems like.”
Michael tried his best to keep his emotions in check. He needed to be lucid and clear-minded, even when stuff like this threatened to make him crumble, like a sandcastle. In the best possible way, yes – but still, it was not what he needed at the moment.
“What about now, Lise? What do they think about you being here… With me?”
Lisa just shrugged.
“Why should they even care about what a former member does or doesn’t do?”
Now he was surprised. She could tell that he had not been expecting that. He looked as if he was about to say something, but then just stared at her quietly. For quite some time – because time, as of late, felt much more dilated than it had ever felt before. His eyes were inquisitive, probing, making her feel much more naked than when she was physically in the nude in front of him.
“Lisa… When all this will be over, I want you to know…” He cleared his throat, trying to find the right words. “…That I’m serious. My life right now… It’s a mess, I know. But I hope it won’t be forever.”
“Everything is going to be alright, Michael. I just know it.”
“And if it does – if you’re right and everything goes back to normal… I wanna do good by you. By us. I swear, I do.”
Her eyes welled up and she tried her best to push her tears down. Time to drop the mask – completely.
“Wow, man. Are you telling me that… We aren’t just fuck buddies?”
He laughed. Another one of his sad, sarcastic laughs.
“I would hope not.”
Lisa sat up. She moved right into his lap, took his hands and brought them to her lips, kissing his knuckles as she stared at him.
“Listen to me… I would marry you right now, if only you wanted it. If you only asked, Michael.”
The little crease between his eyebrows once again testified of all the emotions that he was fighting so hard to control. He cupped her cheek and she leaned into his touch, giving him a lopsided grin.
“I know that after our divorce one of our core issues was your fear of commitment… Your lack of trust in me. I get that better, now. I know I caused that. It’s on me. And of course, I’m not telling you that you should ask me to marry you. I know the drill, and that’s why I told you that I would even be here as a friend if you wanted me to and -”
“Lisa…”
“…So don’t get your panties all in a bunch, ‘kay? You don’t have to do anything. Or prove anything. I just need you to understand that I would do it. To show you, you know… that I am here. With you. For you, just like I was back then… in good times and bad… and all that jazz… Because I love you… So much… And I wanna be with you, no matter what.” She sat back and her gaze fell when she realized that she had blushed. “…So, yeah. That’s all.”
Michael’s hand moved from her cheek to her chin and he gently tilted her face up until their eyes met again.
“Would you marry me? Again?”
She gasped and he grinned.
“Lisa Marie… You’re the only woman I can imagine being my wife. You know that. If I think about Mrs. Jackson… It’s only you that I see… So I’m asking you… would you marry me? When all this mess will be over. If I make it through it.”
“You will.” She grabbed his hand and held onto it. “You’ll make it through, Michael. I know you will.”
“Well, then… Say yes. Say that you’ll marry me again when I’m free again. Because, baby-girl… I love you too much to subject you to anything like this, and if I end up…”
He shook his head and swallowed hard. He couldn’t even say the words out loud, and neither could she.
Lisa closed her eyes for a moment. If he ended up in jail…
The mere idea killed her. It destroyed her inside. But she could not and would not allow herself to break. He needed her and she needed to be strong for him. And they both needed a lifesaver – something else to look forward to.
“Yes. Yes, Michael… I will marry you. Whenever you want me to.”