Chapter 2 – Take me higher
The next year or so was torturous, to say the least. It felt like being strapped into the top wagon of the most terrifying roller-coaster on a daily basis. The ups and downs were upsetting – at times kind of exhilarating, but most of the time just vomit-inducing.
Like when all those sheriffs showed up at the ranch unannounced, with their search warrant, and bullied the staff around while they destroyed everything. Shattering things, ripping mattresses open, tearing and damaging everything they could put their hands on, just because they could, almost in a spiteful manner, out of retaliation, just because they felt entitled to. Seizing items and documents that were supposed to stay where they were because theoretically, that was what the law said. Breaking into rooms and areas of the property that they were supposed to leave untouched, just to find nothing. Because there was nothing to find. There had never been.
Lisa was glad that Michael wasn’t there that day. He and his kids were with her, at Hidden Hills, since Riley and Ben were both in Hawaii with Danny for a couple of weeks.
When one of the maids called Michael and told him to please not come back until they had fixed “the mess”, he didn’t say a word. Not one comment. Nothing. He just locked himself into the dance studio that Lisa had kept untouched for him at the mansion for all those years, and there he stayed for hours. Alone.
She thought that he was probably dancing his rage and frustration away, but when she was finally able to get in, he was just sitting on the floor, in a corner, staring into space. At that point, it was late at night and she had already put all the kids to bed, telling them that their dad was busy, but would be back soon. That they would see him the next morning. She knew very well that if Michael wasn’t there to say goodnight to his children, then his mood was way worse than she had initially imagined.
What could she do? How could she help him? She hated that she couldn’t put an end to this infernal circle, to this damned wheel that just wouldn’t stop spinning. She hated Sneddon and everyone that poured their hate on Michael relentlessly, for no other reason but hatred itself. She couldn’t even imagine what it felt like, to live like that. To be so consumed by your own vendetta. To be continuously eroded by that emotional acid, by that grudge that knew no boundaries.
Sighing, feeling like crying, Lisa walked across the room and knelt down in front of Michael, then took him into her arms and stared into space. He buried his face against her shoulder and she stroked his hair, kissing his temple again and again. She would not show him the fury that burned inside of her right now. It was the last thing that he needed.
“You know what… Why don’t you stay here for a couple of days and let me go back to the ranch tomorrow? I can be your eyes and ears and find out what the heck is going on. And I can help the staff out… Everything will be back to the way it was in zero time. I promise. You know what an insufferable neat-freak I am.”
She had hoped that her words would make him at least smiled, but he just stayed quiet for a bit. No apparent reaction whatsoever.
“OK… But no matter what happens, that’s no longer my home.” Another long pause. “Maybe I’ll even sell it, when this thing is finally over. I can’t imagine living there any longer. And I don’t want my kids to be there either… I don’t want them to have to pay the price when they grow up. That place is soiled now.”
Lisa’s eyelids fluttered closed and she held onto him. There was nothing else to say, and no reason why she should try to convince him otherwise. That was his home. Or it had been, at least. But it had also been sullied and violated – because of people lying about him for money, again. Just like so many years earlier, intruders had invaded what Michael had always considered his sacred place. If in the past he had somehow been able to bring the magic back, now it was evident that it could no longer be done. You could only put all the pieces back together a number of times before some went missing. Before the vase became nothing but a parody of what it had once been.
Michael was repulsed by the idea of even pretending that the ranch still held the same charm that permeated everything, even the air, the wind, the trees, when he had purchased the land and the mansion. Or when he and Lisa had kissed for the first time under his favorite tree, so many years earlier.
Those people had ruined it all, dirtied it all up. Neverland was polluted, its soul had been shattered into a million fragments. No amount of deep cleaning could ever take away the stench of greed and hatred that had caused this to happen. Michael knew it, and Lisa did too.
The next day, however, she did go to the ranch just like planned. Once she got there, she realized that she would have to refrain from commenting.
It was a difficult task: the moment she saw the state that Michael’s private quarters had been reduced in, her inner volcano started to bubble. Obviously, whoever had conducted the raid had made it a point to destroy everything in sight just to humiliate Michael. For the whole day, she relentlessly cleaned up and tried to dignify the place again with some semblance of normalcy. Not for a moment the red haze stopped veiling her eyes. Lisa worked so hard and for so long that, when she finally drove back to Hidden Hills, later that night, her back was screaming in pain and her arms hurt. In fact, she was aching all over, her fingertips felt numb.
Once back home, after parking the car and tiredly walking up to the house, she found Michael waiting for her at the front door. Holding it open for her. He hadn’t even shaved for the past couple of days and looked exhausted and stubbly. He assessed Lisa’s condition just by looking at her, up and down, then he shook his head and pulled her into a hug. Because that was what they did the most, during those challenging times: they would hold onto each other for comfort, solace, and love.
A couple of months later, pretty much out of the blue, Lisa suggested turning Neverland into a permanent museum or a place where families in need could find shelter and support. Or both. In her mind, it was a good, acceptable alternative to selling the place and throw in the towel. She had never been inclined to wave the white flag, it was just not in her nature.
Michael once again didn’t comment. He seemed to have become completely disconnected from everything that his life had been until the trial had effectively split it in two. Now, there was no longer a harmonic succession of events, a linear existence. Just a before and an after. And pretty much nothing in between, if not a state of perpetual suspension. A purgatory.
However, something else happened a few weeks later. During a beautiful spring day spent by one of the lakes of the property, as Michael and Lisa watched the kids play by the water, at one point he turned to her and watched her with eyes that were so shiny and full of vitality to remind her of the young man she had fallen in love with, so many years earlier. Even though she loved this Michael just as much. They had just recently celebrated their first anniversary since getting back together – a small oasis of bliss in the tragedy of the trial.
“You know, Lisa… I thought about what you said. A lot.”
“You thought about what, baby? I say a lot of things, and sometimes I don’t make a lot of sense.”
He smiled, but Lisa wasn’t joking. She was genuinely clueless. Sometimes she would talk a mile a minute, out of nervousness, trying to break the uncomfortable silence that had become a staple in their day-to-day life. At times she did it in the desperate attempt to engage him in something more than his usual, laconic back and forth. And so, at that very moment, she had no idea what the heck Michael was referring to. It could have been nothing or a million things.
They were sitting under a huge willow tree. Michael’s back was leaning against the trunk and he pulled her closer, until she came to rest pretty much in his lap. She loved the feeling of being so close to him. She had never appreciated it more than in the past year.
“About this place. Maybe I won’t sell it, after all. But like I said, I really don’t want to live here anymore, regardless of how this whole thing ends.” He tilted her head up, touched her lips with his thumb, then kissed her. “However, I was thinking that maybe I could turn it into a hospital. Like… I was thinking ‘bout a new concept of healthcare. A top-level clinic, temporary residences for the families, an amusement park, a movie theater… shops… The whole thing. We could build some more bungalows. We could create a little town. A place where people can be safe and heal. Where nothing bad can happen to them… Where they don’t have to worry about anything.”
Lisa smiled and stroked his cheek. He wanted the ranch to become what it had once been for him and could never be again. It was sweet. And also incredibly sad. She kept her face as calm and serene as she could and stayed focused on the practical aspects of it all.
“Oh, Mike… I think that’s an amazing idea.”
Idea, indeed. Those were the keywords: ideas, projects, dreams, plans. Things that Michael could think about and focus on. Things that he could do… after.
And then there was the other keyword: it was resilience. He had to be resilient as he went through day after day in court. Listening to the most horrifying lies without having a chance to speak up, but also watching those false allegations crumble like a house of cards as the trial progressed. There was no way around it. He had to be strong, and Michael was definitely the strongest man that Lisa had ever known.
During the first weeks, she never went to court with him and always waited for him to come back home, every single afternoon. Because that was what Michael had asked her to do.
Watching him on TV as he entered the Courthouse each morning made her feel out of control and unable to handle anything, including herself. It would always feel as if even her own existence was suspended – together with his. But after all, she and Michael had agreed to keep their relationship private for as long as possible, at least for the time being. First of all, the press would have become even more frenzied and vicious than it already was. For years, the mass media had been pretty much incapable of detecting the constant push and pull that was so inherent of Michael and Lisa’s relationship. As far as the tabloids were concerned, with the exception of some headlines purposefully put out there to sell more copies, those two hadn’t been a thing since 1996.
The paparazzi were so very wrong.
But breaking their cover now, so to say, would have been immensely risky. It would have generated a barrage of rumors, the main one being that Michael needed Lisa to appear more of a stereotypical guy. As if Lisa could be considered the epitome of normal. Or stereotypical. She had said exactly that to Michael, when he had brought up the matter. He has just shrugged.
“Well… You might even be right about that, because I have always known that you’re crazy. But at this point, everyone is more normal than me, according to the press.” Another vague shoulder-shrug. “Besides… You have no idea how outlandish it is out there, Lise. It’s mental. You don’t know half of the things I hear every single day. You’ve always been overwhelmed by the mess that my life is… but back then, it was a child’s play compared to what it has become now. And I don’t want you to go through that.”
So, after all, that was the problem. It was a perspective that Lisa had not considered. If going back to Michael had finally helped her get rid of the skewed idea that he had always seen their post-divorce thing as nothing but an affair, the possibility that he was just trying to protect her had never really crossed her mind.
Since then, she had mulled over the matter non-stop. Day and night. And one morning, as Michael got ready for his day in court, she appeared in their bedroom while he was giving himself a final check in the mirror. As usual, he looked stylish and dignified – a gentleman compared to the crowd of vultures and opportunists waiting for him out there. Ready to subject him to his daily dose of mental torture. He was a king in front of a pitchfork-wielding mob.
Lisa wore a dark blue business suit and a simple white shirt. The high heels that she had on gave her a touch of femininity just as much as her curves, only discretely enhanced by her outfit. She had styled her hair in a simple French twist and she was also wearing glasses, like Michael. He gazed at her through the mirror and she could tell that he was not expecting to see her dressed up like that at all.
“Hey… You going somewhere?”
“Yep.”
“Business meeting?”
“I wouldn’t call it so, no.”
“Where, then?” He finished buttoning up his vest and turned, facing her to look at her without any obstacle.
“You look ready. No, scratch that. You look dreamy. Sexy, too. I hope I won’t cramp your style.”
Michael frowned.
“What are you talking about?”
“Courthouse. We’re going together, today. And tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. And so on, until this shit is done and over with.” The moment he opened his mouth to reply, likely to protest, she lifted her index finger. “And nope. Don’t even try it, Michael. No ifs, no buts. I love you, I wanna be with you, I am going nuts every time you leave me behind. I need to be there and you gotta let me do it, whether you like it or not.”
His head dropped and he smiled. Then he stepped closer, taking her hand, tugging at her lightly until her arm came around his neck and she peppered his lips with several soft kisses.
“You really don’t know what’s good for you, girl.”
Oh, no. He was so very wrong. She did. Now, after all that time, Lisa knew exactly what was good for her.
Michael never stopped holding her hand, and she never stopped holding onto him as, from that day on, they always went to court together. At first it was very challenging for him, to have her sit by his side while parasitic opportunists claimed the most repulsive falsities about him. It humiliated him, to have the most intimate aspects of his life dissected and scrutinized not only in front of his family, but also his woman. Even his sex drive ended up being affected by it, for a while.
Until one night Lisa reached him in the shower, finding him leaning against the tiled wall with both hands. He kept his head low, water dripping from his chin and arms as he desperately tried to cleanse himself from the garbage that he had been forced to tolerate all day.
She knew that he had heard her step into the shower, but still he had not moved. Lisa also knew that he felt misunderstood, misjudged, mortified and insignificant. They had done this to him. He felt ashamed and was doing everything he could to hide – even from her, without looking as if he was hiding from her at all. Well… No more.
Her arms came around his torso as she hugged him from behind, resting her forehead against his back.
“I love you with everything I have and with all that I am. You gotta know that.” She kissed him between his shoulder blades. “And I am so proud of the man you are, Michael.”
This time he turned and they stared at each other. He looked sad. Insecure.
“Are you, really?”
“Are you kidding me? I’ve always been. Even when you drive me crazy. At times I might have not fully understood you, but I’ve never been anything but proud to be with you.” She brushed a strand of wet hair plastered on his forehead. “And by the way… I am still looking forward to that marriage proposal, you know. Don’t think that I forgot, mister.”
Michael smiled, and she brought his head down, kissing him. They hadn’t made love in weeks and she missed him so much. She knew that giving voice to his thoughts had become hard for him, and she hoped that he would at least give her the chance to show him how magnificent he was to her. If not with words, at least in another way.
He seemed to relax into the kiss and she deepened the contact, her body coming in full contact with his, their skins heating up. She noticed that his body was reacting to her gentle touches and caresses and she felt almost high – knowing that she could still affect him that way. And also, she was inebriated by his taste, by his scent. Kissing down his neck and collarbone, his chest and shoulders, paying attention to worship every inch of his skin, she crouched down before him. She placed her hands on his hips and, looking up, she found his eyes. They were burning, his breathing was uneven.
She immediately noticed how clear-minded he looked, how aware and in the moment he was. Somehow still a different man, yes, but nothing like the semi-stranger she had heard about before they got back together. It always pained Lisa to think about the many mindless affairs he had engaged in while they weren’t speaking. She knew that he had all the rights in the world to sleep with whomever he pleased, and yet it was still a bitter pill to swallow. She didn’t think that she would ever find the balls to tell him, though.
And then there was that other thing: the fear and concern that she had experienced during those times. Knowing how unwell he was, she had been so afraid that something might happen to him, that something could go so terribly wrong. It had been the main reason why she had tried so hard to step away, to distance herself from Michael. Until it was no longer doable.
And now, in that shower stall, on her knees before him, Lisa wanted to remind him that they had never engaged in any mindless fucks. She wanted him to know how gorgeous and desirable and lovable he was to her. Always, always him. It didn’t matter what those clowns said about him in that courtroom. She knew the man she was in love with, intimately. She knew the force of nature that he was. And she loved him – probably more than she had ever loved him before.
In that moment, more than anything else Lisa needed to keep their profound connection alive and vibrant.
“Michael…” She took his hand and kissed his fingers, one by one. When she cradled her face in his hand, she leaned into his touch. “Just tell me what you need…”
He swallowed.
“You.”
His other hand held himself out to her and she understood. Her eyes stayed fixed on him as she transported him to a dimension where fear did not exist.
At the beginning of June, Lisa woke up one morning and realized that feeling nauseous every single day was far from normal. She knew what those signs could point at, but she was deathly afraid of going to the doctor. Or even buying a home test, really. Scared and exhilarated at the same time.
After a bumpy beginning, she and Michael had managed to find their bond once again as the trial progressed. As a matter of fact, he now had a way to channel pretty much everything he felt into their lovemaking: frustration, love, hope, fear, closeness, longing. Lisa had become his relief and his strength, and he, hers. Even when it came to his kids, he no longer seemed guarded around Lisa. He no longer gazed at her, wondering only God knew what. He appeared relaxed and comfortable and, at times, he laughed so hard that his eyes would start shining with tears. He was learning to live again – instead of just going through the motions, of surviving while he waited to know what his fate would be. Lisa didn’t know what his thoughts were, exactly, but she could guess.
In a way, he had already managed to win. Or at the very least, he had somehow grasped the most profound meaning of his existence. After losing all hope, all faith in humanity, he had once again found his faith in Lisa and their future together. And his future, their future, had the potential to be magnificent.
If only he didn’t end up killed by lies before the string of tomorrows could even begin.
Still, Lisa didn’t think that a pregnancy was exactly what he needed at the moment. Anxiety assaulted her and, for the first time since she and Michael had fallen in love, she almost hoped to not be pregnant. Which was something that, in itself, was half a lie anyway and still managed to break her heart.
It wasn’t because she didn’t want to carry Michael’s baby. That had never been the issue, and she was not even sure that he had ever understood how her mind rolled in that department. Lisa was not convinced that Michael ever realized how alluring the idea of having his kids had always been to her. How becoming his baby mama was the ultimate seduction, the definitive capitulation. And also how, with intense expectation, intense desire, always came paralyzing fear.
When the doctor told her that she was, in fact, pregnant, Lisa leaned forward in her chair, her elbows on her knees, and hid her face in her hands. She felt tears wet her palms. A weird concoction of desperation, elation and sheer terror assaulted her.
Doctor Sanders let her weep quietly for a while, without saying a word. When she looked up again, he was already holding out a tissue for her.
“Are you OK, Lisa Marie?”
Lisa sniffled.
“Yes… I’m just… A bit overwhelmed, I guess.”
“I take it you and your partner weren’t actively trying to get pregnant?” He tilted his head. “To be honest, I’m not even sure you’re happy. Are you?”
Oh, right. The physician didn’t even know that the partner was Michael.
“Yes… No. I don’t know. I don’t even know which one of your questions I’m answering.” She dried her eyes. “I’m quite taken aback at the moment.”
However, his words made her wonder.
Had she and Michael been trying to have a baby? She had no idea. What Lisa did know was that they both were very much aware that they were taking no precautions during sex. She was not on the pill and he would never wear condoms with her. He never had. And she would have never, never allowed him to finish outside of her in fear of getting knocked up.
And yet, that was precisely what had happened.
So, after all, finding out that they were going to have a baby wasn’t a complete shock. The biggest surprise was to find out that she was pregnant with Michael’s baby the day after Tom had completed his closing arguments in front of the jurors. This meant that Lisa had to go back home and tell Michael that he would once again become a father while he waited for a verdict that could make or break his life.
What a motherfucking mess this whole situation was.
She was such a… loser. As usual, her timing sucked. How could she even go back home to him? What was she supposed to do? Or say? Maybe she should just shut the hell up and not overwhelm him further. He already had so much to take care of, to think about, and now… now this.
In the end, after leaving the doctor’s office she drove over to Hidden Hills even though she was supposed to go back to the ranch. It took Michael a couple of hours to notice her absence – despite Lisa hoping that, for once, he would be engrossed in something else entirely.
Her cell phone rang while she was taking a long, cleansing bath. Lisa stared at the screen, unsure if she should take the call or not. And then she pressed the green button, because she knew that Michael would go nuts if he couldn’t get a hold of her.
“Hello?”
“Lise! Where are you, girl? I was going crazy. You were supposed to be back two hours ago!”
“I know, baby… I am so sorry, I got carried away and then decided to come home and take… You know, just take care of some business.”
He stayed quiet and she bit her lip, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Damn, he wasn’t buying it, she felt it. Michael could always, always tell when she was lying to him. His bullshit detector had always been infallible when it came to Lisa.
“So you’re still at Hidden Hills?”
She tried to sound casual.
“Yes, Michael. I had some documents to sort out… You know, stuff about EPE.”
“OK… Well, then… When are you coming over? I miss you. Don’t you miss me?”
God, did she ever.
Lisa closed her eyes. She had noticed the hurt, insecure tone in his voice. As if he felt put aside. There was something worse than keeping her pregnancy a secret: it was to have Michael think that some business crap was more important to her than he was.
Now, the only issue was that she could only try to pull out that shit over the phone, because she had never been able to lie to him when they were face to face. Well, she had tried in the past – whenever they would fight hard and she would tell him that she was done with him, that she didn’t want to see him anymore. He would never believe her. And even when it came to keeping secrets, she was a complete failure. The only way to not tell Michael that she was pregnant with his baby would be to stay away from him, but that simply could not be done. He came first.
At that very moment, Lisa realized that he would soon know what was going on, and that she and Michael would have to deal with the matter together. She only had no idea what the outcome would be. In the past, she had never had a doubt about Michael’s happiness at the thought of becoming a father, but things were different now. His life and perspectives, his future were on the line. Priorities had changed. How would he react, knowing that she was carrying his baby in what possibly was the worst moment of his life?
“Of course I miss you, baby. I miss you so much. I’ll be there before you can even blink, OK?”
With her eyes closed, she felt him relax and smile.
“I love you, Lisa.”
Yeah… she loved him too – more than he would ever realize or believe.
Later that evening, she went back to his ranch and found him in his private quarters, sitting in front of the fireplace, doing nothing. He wore his pajama pants and a hoodie, even though the night was warm. He was also drinking some white wine and looked, as it usually happened as of late, lost in thought.
When she leaned against the door frame, just looking at him, he blinked and his dark eyes found her. He looked otherworldly beautiful in the orangeish light of the flames.
“Took you a while to come back.”
“I needed to think for a bit.”
He took another sip of his wine, his eyes still on her.
“Why? You’re not sure you wanna be here with me anymore?”
Lisa shook her head. Was he for real?
“How can you even think that, Mike? It’s been over a year, now…”
She saw him bite the inside of his cheek as he nodded his head.
“Yeah… You’re right. I’m so sorry. I just…” He shrugged and sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes it’s like the walls are closing in on me. I don’t know what’s what anymore. Please, forgive me.”
His apologies hurt her more than his doubts. Throwing her purse on the armchair, she walked over to him and sat in his lap, smoothing down his hoodie, then stroking his cheeks.
“Listen to me. Don’t you ever, ever apologize for how all this crap makes you feel – do you hear me? You don’t have to apologize for anything. Especially not to me.” She kissed his lips. “I am here. With you. I love you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
Michael pulled her close for another kiss, deeper and more passionate this time. His touch was enough for her to lose herself. All of a sudden, it became so easy – so damn easy to forget all about what she needed to say to him. To allow him to take her and make her his once again. To be his comfort and solace for another night.
With immense difficulty, Lisa broke the kiss – knowing well that tonight she would also have to be his clarity and truth.
“Why are you stopping?” Michael’s eyes narrowed. “You wanna drink something, first? I’m sorry. You just make me go crazy.”
She had to smile at how candid his words were. Yeah… he drove her wild too.
“No… It’s not that. I gotta tell you something important and I don’t know how you’re gonna take it.” She sighed. “And that’s the goddamn honest truth.”
He studied her face and Lisa noticed a flash of fear cross his eyes. He was afraid that something terrible had happened, but was also confused. He had no idea what kind of grenade she was going to throw at him.
“What happened?”
“Don’t ask me anything, OK? Just let me get it off my chest… and then you’ll do whatever you want. I need to say it out loud because it’s making me go insane.”
He looked even more clueless than he had been just a minute earlier. Yeah, this was going great so far!
“But, Lise…” He pursed his lips. “No, OK… Sure, OK. But, shit. Wow, how bad can it be?”
She opened her mouth and got ready to drop the bomb.
“No! Wait – wait. One last thing before you tell me… Are you OK? Like, health-wise…”
Lisa kissed him again.
“Yes. I’m fine.” She motioned to pull back again, but he held her close. Close to his lips. Close to his heart. She melted.
“Then… Lay it on me, girl.”
Her fingertips traced his face. From his temples, down to his cheek and jawline, then his neck. For a handful of seconds, Lisa studied the father of the baby that she was carrying with absolute attention and complete awareness.
“We’re having a baby, Mike.” She swallowed. “I’m pregnant with your child.”