Chapter 10 – Disarm
“Come on… Sit.” Michael pointed at the armchair. “Right there. Sit down in front of me.”
His tone was gentle, but also held a domineering undercurrent that hit Lisa in all the right places. Parts of her that had been asleep for quite some time now, and that Michael still knew how to awaken if only he wanted to. He still held the key to those doors, and there was nothing that she could do about it. Even now, she couldn’t do anything but comply, and so she sat down in the plush armchair just like he had asked.
Michael observed her, gave her all the time in the world to make herself comfortable and relax for a bit, then sat right in front of her. On the chair. Wearing nothing but that darn towel wrapped around his waist and looking like a flippin’ god.
He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped in his lap, and just looked at her. And Lisa felt naked – in a much more profound way than being just devoid of any clothing entailed.
At first it all was very uncomfortable and she had to struggle against her own instinct to self-preserve against the quiet probing of his eyes. Her instinct was to avert her gaze, squirm or even leave. Then, as seconds passed, her breathing became calmer and more regular and she found herself staring back at him. Drowning into those black holes that Michael’s eyes were. Whole universes. Really staring him at him as if mesmerized.
It occurred to her that, in the past, they had played a similar game several times. But it had always been a silly thing – it all came down to who would blink first, or laugh first. However, this experience held a different quality and she felt captive. And captivated. Shackled to her husband, body and soul, it didn’t matter how many tsunamis their marriage would be facing. She knew that she had once made the mistake of allowing their relationship to end – and despite her expectations and hopes being confused and blurry at the moment, what she was sure of was that she could never step away from him again.
The room stopped existing and time seemed to stand still and she saw, in Michael’s eyes, every single thing that his voice could not put into words. His passion. His pain. His guilt. His desire. And his uncertainty. But mostly his love, which ultimately was like nothing else in this world.
When earlier in the shower she had asked him if he remembered what had happened the night before, Lisa’s feelings had been contrasting and all over the place. She wanted him to recall how their tipsiness had allowed them to lower their defenses and cuddle and, at the same time, she wanted him to have forgotten all about it. Because she knew that they had both been this close to throwing every caution to the wind, and she was so afraid that a drunk fuck wouldn’t be enough to save them. And yet, the morning after, she had been unable to rebuff him. She had not wanted to.
As a matter of fact, she had almost died realizing how much he still wanted her, how much she needed him, and that they were about to make love in a way that hadn’t belonged to them in a very long time. She just wished it wouldn’t have been Christine’s call that had stopped them.
But she’s gone now. Michael took care of it. Focus on him, only on him. Look at him. He’s trying so hard.
Lisa hated her inner voice at times. It was pretty obvious that it was enamored with Michael and saw him through rose-colored glasses. But this time she had to be rational about this whole thing. In the past, their emotional reactions and tirades hadn’t been a good solution at all.
“Lisa…”
“Yeah…”
She replied in a whisper. Noticing that his voice sounded hushed and husky. As if he was doing everything in his power to keep himself in check.
“Do you really want this?”
“This, what?”
“Be here… Doing this thing with me.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them again. Knowing the implications of his words, the unspoken undercurrent of them. This journey together meant that they would have to unearth stuff that had stayed buried for a very long time. In all frankness, Lisa was not sure that she was ready for it – for those raw feelings, and certainly pulsing pain – but she did know that she couldn’t be anywhere else but there, with him. Where she belonged.
“I do. I wanna be with you.”
“Yeah?” He seemed a bit surprised. He smirked dryly and raised his eyebrows. “Here?”
“Wherever we wanna be…”
Lisa took a deep breath. Okay. She could do this. She could allow herself to be vulnerable for just a minute. Sensing her momentary surrender, Michael reached out slowly and took her hands. He interlaced his fingers with hers and she swallowed hard. The contact reminded her of the first time they had made love, a lifetime ago. When they were young and so naive, in a way, and before their worlds – and Michael’s especially – started to collapse and fold over themselves.
But Lisa still remembered that day as if it was yesterday. When she had discovered that she was in love with that man the very moment he had made the same gesture. While she was sitting astride him, swaying in his lap, Michael had entwined his fingers with hers and he had held onto her. Allowing her to set the rhythm and melody of their sexual encounter – something that involved so much more than their bodies, and that went so much deeper than mere flesh.
It had felt magical and Lisa still recalled every single detail about that night. Michael’s skin, glistening with sweat, making him look almost like a supernatural being – not a ghost, but more like an alien or maybe an angel, some incorporeal form that had suddenly taken shape just to make her his. His muscles contracting as he slowly thrust into her. Strands of dark hair plastered on his forehead. His eyes drowning into her, his gaze wrapping itself all around her very soul, making her feel one with him. Taking her breath away. The delicious pain and pleasure mixture, while for the very first time in her life she experienced that kind of sex that would end up leaving a permanent mark on her. That would hurt her for real – the emotional equivalent of a paper cut. Only with him. Always with him. Nobody else could ever compare.
And now, by resuming that intimate contact – his silent message was conveyed just as clearly. He too remembered that moment. That feeling. That inevitability. The beginning, but also the end of them both.
She saw him bite his lip as his eyes traveled all over her body and she thought that she would not be able to withstand the desire she felt. The need to just leap forward and into his arms, and kiss him, make love to him as if her whole life depended on it. And yet she managed to stay in the moment, just sitting there, perfectly still. One step at a time.
Michael seemed very much aware of the spell and when he spoke again, he did it in a low voice, as if he didn’t want to break the moment.
“Tell me more about your new music…”
She smiled. He had taken her completely by surprise, and he could be so persuasive when he chose to be honest and open about how his mind operated.
“No way, buster. Not for now, at least.”
He shrugged casually, dropping the subject right away, but only after letting her know that he was still curious to know more about it.
“Alright, lady… Tell me more about your charity work, then… The charity work you’ve been doing without me…”
Lisa kept grinning, ever so slightly, breaking eye-contact for a second.
“Are you being passive-aggressive?”
“Not at all.” He shook his head. “I really wanna know… The letter…”
“I know… It says that we…”
“…Can talk. If we want to. Yeah. And I wanna do it. I would rather prefer to make love to you until we both can’t take it anymore, but I guess this works as well.”
“Okay…”
“Okay, what? Are we gonna make love?”
“Stop being pushy. We can… talk.”
His eyes laughed.
“Then…” He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles, his lips lingering there for a moment. Singeing her. “Then talk to me. Please, talk to me.”
Oh yeah. He had noticed her silence, too. A silence that hadn’t been limited to the days after their last therapy session. A quiescence that dated way back. When their crisis had begun and maybe Michael hadn’t even realized it yet.
Lisa rolled her eyes and stared at the ceiling, instinctively pushing back the tears that threatened to spill. It felt like trying to set an old, rusty machine in motion. This constant roller-coaster of contrasting feelings was really starting to take a toll on her.
“My charity work… Alright. Sure. Well…” She cleared her throat. “I’m loving every minute of it. Even though – you know, even though it’s not something we’re doing together… You and I.”
“Yeah… I know. I miss doing stuff with you, Lise. Whenever we visit a hospital together… Or a place where we can help people… Those are always such beautiful moments for me. Much better than doing it alone, which I love anyway. But with you… When you’re with me… It’s different. It becomes even more than what it is.”
She lowered her gaze, staring at their hands. Connected.
“Okay, but anyway… I wanted to do something that was only mine, you know. Not because I didn’t want you with me, but because it had to be my own thing.”
“I understand that. I really do.”
“I wanted to focus on women who have been victims of violence… And their kids. Give them a shelter. A place where they can feel safe… Just like I felt with you.”
His eyes bore into her.
“And now you don’t anymore? You no longer feel safe with me?”
It looked like Lisa really didn’t have an answer to that and her silence spoke volumes. Michael stared at her for what seemed like forever, but she could tell that he knew she would not answer. When he spoke again, he did it with another question.
“Like I said… I see your point, I do. And I think it’s amazing, but…”
“But?” She finally brought herself to look up at him again.
“I want to know what prompted you to do that.”
“I told you, I want them to have a place where they can -”
“Feel safe. Yeah. I get that. But that wasn’t my question.”
Oh, he was probing alright. And just like always, Lisa realized that Michael listening to her held such a seductive quality. It had always been a temptation she could not fight off.
It really felt this was the time to show her cards. Or at least some of them.
“Then what was it?”
His lopsided smirk made her smile once again. Right then and there, she recognized another tiny little piece of the man she had fallen in love with. The man she would always love, no matter what. Too bad it was nothing but a glimpse, a flimsy Fata Morgana bound to disappear again at the horizon.
Oh, Lisa would ask him about that mirage. But not now. She knew that she had to answer his question first.
“Why. The reason why you’re doing it. I wanna know…” His hands moved, caressing her wrists, making her shiver. He leaned forward, ever so slightly. “…What motivates you.”
Michael was that good. He couldn’t know what the answer was, but he could feel that it was necessary to know. And Lisa had never really been able to resist his scrutiny… Especially when they were face to face. If in the past she had been able to escape him somehow, while over the phone, she knew very well that it couldn’t be done in person. She closed her eyes for a moment, just to evade his inquisitive, yet gentle gaze.
“Okay, well… When we broke up… That last time, before I came back to you, I did what I would usually do when I needed to try to forget even meeting you… let alone loving you.”
Once again, he did that thing where he brought her hand up to his mouth. Her eyes still closed, Lisa felt him smile. Then he kissed her fingertips.
“Fight fire with fire?”
She was grateful that he had been the one saying it out loud. She couldn’t go there. Despite all their issues, she had reached a phase of her life where she had just decided to stop fighting her love for him. She had adjusted to the onslaught. She had accepted it, with its highs and lows that could be majestic and painful enough to make her feel nauseous, but that were also still very much a part of who she and Michael were as a couple. And therefore, she had also stopped running. She knew that what had happened with that other man hadn’t altered her in any way. What had done the trick, had been coming back to Michael.
That had changed everything one final time.
“If you wanna call it that.”
“Of course I do. You know I’m right.”
Her eyes finally opened and she found his dark irises.
“Sometimes you are. But not all the time.”
Michael nodded, ever so slightly. Understanding what had remained unsaid.
“But anyway, that’s what I did, yeah. I started dating another guy. His name was Adrian.”
He frowned.
“You never mentioned him before…”
“I know. And it’s because he doesn’t really matter. It was nothing serious, you know… It never really is. Unless it’s you.”
They stayed quiet for a moment. Just staring at each other, finding comfort in that sudden intimacy. So new. So ancient. So unexpected. Lisa saw his lips part, but then he didn’t say anything. He just swallowed and the motion of his Adam’s apple alone almost made her weak in the knees. For a second, all she wanted to do was ask him to take her and make her his. Like he would do before all this mess. What it felt like a lifetime ago. And yet, there was that gently domineering streak emerging in him once again… Making her sit where he saw fit, taking her hands, guiding their conversation. He had been a bit withdrawn lately, and she had not seen that side of his personality – a side that she adored – in quite some time. She loved it, even though it seemed to only be limited to this very moment. Not emerging anywhere else.
Where had their folly gone? Their passion…
“So, you and Adrian…” Michael cleared his throat, as if he too had been following a similar train of thoughts. “You were saying…”
“Nothing, really. We broke up almost immediately. I just wasn’t into it. And I wasn’t for many reasons… Because I loved you, and because the second night he and I were together, after spending some time at a club, he was just supposed to drive me back home.” She took a deep breath. “And instead he tried to assault me.”
Michael’s blinked. Just once. His face remained a calm mask. However, his grip on her hands tightened and in a matter of seconds she saw him start sweating. And she even knew why.
Many things had changed in Michael since the trial, and Lisa had experienced that change firsthand. He had become way more withdrawn, quieter, he didn’t laugh as much as he did before. But mostly, he had become even more empathetic to other people’s pain and traumas. Which said a lot about a man who already felt the entire weight of the world on his shoulders.
That was precisely the reason why Lisa had never told him anything about what had happened with Adrian. Why cause him more pain? And yet, at the same time, she would never, ever lie to him – or herself – again. He had asked, and now he had his answer.
“What did he do?”
“Nothing. He made a move and I reacted, so…”
“Lisa…” This time Michael leaned forward fully and his hands moved, coming to rest on her knees. “Tell me exactly what that guy did to you.”
She stared into space and held her bottom lip between her teeth for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice sounded flat, empty.
“He grabbed me by my throat, then tried to push me against the car. Told me that he knew I wanted it. Of course… I did not. I told him to let me go, and he didn’t. And so I kicked him in the balls and I ran away. He didn’t follow me, I took a cab, went back home, and never heard from him again. Nothing else.”
Even though she wasn’t looking at him, she could feel his eyes studying her face and she could perceive the maximum level of alert, the absolute control and restraint he was exerting over himself. Lisa glanced up at him again.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t want you to ever know.”
Michael shook his head, again and again. Then he pulled her close and into his arms and Lisa held onto him, hiding her face in the hollow of his neck, kissing his skin, inhaling and feeling comforted by his mere presence. His presence alone did so much for her. Why didn’t she seem to understand it at times?
“But I do. Baby…” His voice sounded muffled because he, too, was hiding his face against her shoulder. “Don’t you know it at this point? I always wanna know everything about you… I am so fucking sorry. I love you so damn much…”
That was it. Tears started burning and she did everything she could to keep them at bay. And it wasn’t because what had happened with Adrian, because sure as hell she could deal with that and she had. It was because of Michael’s words. She had missed them so much.
“I love you too.. Desperately.” Pulling back, she framed his face with both hands. “And I feel safe with you. Always. That’s why I did it, you know? Because I wanted those women and kids to feel that way… as safe as our kids and I feel with you.”
The pained expression on his beautiful face almost shattered her, and yet she stayed calm. It surprised her and made her wonder. She had always been emotional chaos incarnated, a big messy ball of feelings. Where had her folly gone?
“Do you really feel that way?” His eyes narrowed. “Still? After all-”
Lisa kissed him hard. With all the love that she felt for him and the immense frustration that she had been experiencing because of her suspended emotional state.
When she broke the kiss, she spoke just an inch away from his lips.
“Yeah. Still. Regardless. I will always love you… Eternally.” A little smile stole on her lips. “But you already know that, don’t you…”
“You think?”
“I think you should know.”
Michael took another one of those slow, long, deep breaths she had become accustomed to, in the past few years. Then he broke their physical contact and stood up.
“I think I need some fresh air.”
Instinctively, she knew that she had to let him go. Doctor Plumb had been clear: they had to identify and eliminate all the stress triggers that could lead to emotional anguish or conflict. However, Lisa also wanted him to stay.
“Mike…”
She saw him stop by the door, one hand resting against the door frame, his head hanging low, his other arm down by his side. He was shaking slightly and she could feel that it came from anger. Michael had never been able to tolerate her pain. Not even when he was the one inflicting it. And his strategy was to retreat and leave, just to regroup.
She was so tired to feel jumpy and nervous whenever he was around. She needed them to find what they had lost.
“What…”
“You can’t go, mister… Because it’s your turn now…” She extended her hand to him. “Come back here. After all, doctor Plumb left us with a worksheet full of exercises, not just a note…”
Michael seemed to hesitate. He stood by the door, obviously pondering over her request.
Then he turned, and his face looked distended. Calm and peachy. Lisa recognized the mask immediately.
“Yes, I’ve seen those little exercises. I tell you what. We’re gonna get dressed and do the one about the beach. How about that? And then you can ask me whatever you want.”
The Morris Island lighthouse looked close enough to touch, and probably it had something to do with the sky. The day was warm but not hot, even though it was summer, because it had rained around dawn. And even now, the blanket of white clouds hovering above the ocean made the perspective bizarre. Height, width, depth – everything looked altered.
Michael closed one eye and stared at the red and white lighthouse, standing on the southern side of the entrance to Charleston Harbor, and then pretended to measure it with his fingers. Almost close enough to touch.
“What are you doing?”
Lisa’s voice called him back to the present and he glanced over at her. Crouching down on the sand, near the shore, her long hair caressed by the breeze, she was his personal mermaid. He smiled.
“Magic.”
She frowned behind her sunglasses.
“You’re doing magic?”
“Yeah.”
Her smile became larger and she shook her head, then she resumed her search while Michael just kept staring at her.
He had to admit that the stroll on the deserted strip of beach – the colors, the scent of the ocean, the seagulls chasing each other – had been helping him relax more than he had initially fathomed. When the murderous feeling of finding that man that had hurt Lisa had been everything he had felt. To the point that everything else, in his mind, had become blurred. The voices in his head spoke, and they were more than one – which was something that tended to happen whenever he was very agitated. Well, since the trial, at least.
That was the pivotal event that had changed his entire perspective on the world. The moment Lisa had told him about Adrian, Michael’s only thought had been that an assaulter was very likely free to live his life undisturbed and unscarred. While he, who had never hurt a fly, would probably be stigmatized as long as he was alive. And possibly afterward, too.
It had made him furious, especially since this Adrian guy had hurt Lisa. His woman, his girl. The only thing he had been able to do was to stand up and get ready to leave the room. Just to cool off for a bit.
Now he was glad that Lisa hadn’t allowed him to slip into his perilous old habits.
Part of doctor Plumb’s worksheet did in fact involve exercises and activities that Michael and Lisa were supposed to do together. One of which was especially concerning. So far, they had only managed to accomplish two of the goals and he was stunned at how a simple, open-hearted conversation had been more exhausting than an hour-long walk in the wet sand. But he had to admit that going out had been a great idea, as he finally felt so much better. Refocused.
And it hadn’t ended here, of course.
“I think I found you!” Lisa sat back on her calves and looked at him with a smile. Obviously bothered by the wind, she raked her hand through her hair and cursed under her breath. “Did you find me?”
Instinctively, Michael put his hand in the pocket of the light jacket he was wearing over a simple white t-shirt. He truly hoped there were no reporters in the area, because today he looked nothing like the classy guy who had arrived in Folly Beach just eighteen hours prior. Sweater pants, t-shirt and a blazer? Hair unkempt? Really? Once upon a time, he would have never gone out like that.
Today, Lisa telling him that he looked perfect the way he was had been more than enough. Lisa in her skinny jeans and tight shirt, looking casual and beyond gorgeous.
“Of course. I told you!”
The whoosh of the wind got his words lost between land and sea and Lisa removed her sunglasses, squinting at him.
“Come over here! I can’t hear you!”
Her huffy tone almost made him laugh. Maybe the wind had also taken her bad thoughts away. Walking over, he sank down onto his knees next to her. He cocked his head to a side and watched her in a way that once she would have found mischievous.
“And you won’t hear me any better with your sunglasses off, believe me.”
Snorting, she reached out, grabbed his blazer, then changed her mind and shoved him. As usual, his reaction was quick and effective. Grabbing her arm, he pulled her with him and they fell back on the sand, Lisa on top of him. She squealed.
“Stop it! You’re gonna mess me all up!”
“You have no idea how much I wanna mess you all up, baby girl.”
Taking full advantage of the moment, he did not allow her to pull away and held her close to him. Loving how soft and pliant her body became almost immediately. He didn’t care at all about that darn wet sand getting in his hair, pants and perhaps even underwear, as long as he and Lisa could keep this connection intact.
Eventually, she broke the contact and came to sit next to him.
“Let me go. I wanna see what you got.”
Michael shook his head.
“Nope. You first.”
She glared at him.
“What a fucking spoiled brat you are. You know what? Maybe I haven’t found you at all, after all.”
He giggled and leaned up on his elbows.
“Yes, you have. Come on… Show me.”
Still pretending to be miffed, Lisa opened her fist and Michael stared at the seashell that she had so carefully chosen among countless little pieces of marine life she had found buried in the sand. It had taken her over ten minutes to pick the one she felt fit, while he had zeroed in on his shell of choice almost right away. It had been right there, waiting for him to find it. Which was such a perfect metaphor.
However, he had to admit that Lisa’s piece felt calibrated and well-thought. And also, a bit unexpected.
“Wow. This is… surprising, I guess.”
Lisa smiled again.
“Good. Because you know what? Look at this cute little thing. It’s just like you. So detailed, so tightly coiled. And so solid… That’s why it reminds me of you.”
“It’s a periwinkle.”
“I know what it is, thank you very much.”
Chuckling, he sat up and touched the little shell, caressing the striped, grayish-green surface with his fingertips.
“Mh. Why does it remind you of me?”
“Because the moment you truly feel it, when your skin touches it, you can tell how strong it is. And pure. And unique. It makes me feel calm, serene, and vibrant… and those are feelings that I tend to experience with you, too.”
“Tend to?”
“Stop being an ass. You know what I mean.”
Smiling he nodded his head, staring into space. Loving how she had described him so perfectly, just using such a small thing. But wasn’t this what the whole exercise was about? To go to the beach and recognize themselves in there? Of course he and Lisa had opted for a seashell expedition. It made all the sense in the world.
Quietly, he extracted his own shell from the pocket of his jacket and showed it to Lisa in his open hand. Lisa just observed it without a word, waiting for him to explain.
“This is a limpet shell, I think. See how delicate it looks? Fragile, almost? At first, you might even underestimate this little thing, but you shouldn’t. Because when you hold it in your hand, you can feel how tenacious it is.” He sighed. “It seems to me this tiny shell constantly has to prove that it is capable and strong, and the point is… It is. It takes challenges and survives. It thrives. Here…”
He put the limpet shell in Lisa’s hand, near her periwinkle.
“See the contrast between that pinkish exterior and that blue interior? That’s you, baby. That’s you, to me.”
He saw her swallow.
“I think they look great together, Mike.”
“Yeah, they really do.”
Not really knowing what to do, once again Michael poked the little shells in Lisa’s palm with the tip of his fingers, putting them very close to one another, just staring at them absently. She was right: they did look good together. In fact, they looked perfect. For a minute or two, he and Lisa just listened to what the ocean had to say. Its murmurs echoing in the breeze, swooping on the sand, getting lost in the trees nearby. It was almost like another world. Almost.
He was not in the least expecting to have Lisa touch his face gently, forcing him to turn his head in her direction. She leaned her forehead against his and inhaled deeply.
“I love the way you smell.”
Michael smiled and didn’t say anything.
Her hand moved from his cheek to the nape of his neck, her fingers tangling in his hair. She pulled him close and kissed him, gently at first, and then with increasing passion. He closed his eyes and everything else disappeared. He reciprocated the kiss fully and, within seconds, Lisa was lying on her back and half of his torso was on top of her, as they kept kissing like teenagers. Her hands caressing him under the jacket. His sides, his back. The thin cotton fabric of his t-shirt the only barrier separating his skin from hers.
He wanted to snap his fingers and be in a bedroom with her, or anywhere private, really. Anything would do at the moment, because she was getting lost in him again, and he, in her. It kept happening, and Lisa’s reluctance in kissing him, only the night before, seemed gone. As if it had never existed. Despite everything that was going on. Despite Christine crashing on their glass dome, like a wrecking ball. Maybe this place was magical, after all.
Of course, Michael was a carpe diem kind of man and seized the moment. Holding her face in his hands, he kept kissing her and his actions became almost urgent. When she whimpered in his mouth and grasped at his sides, her hips pushing up and into him, he knew that she, too, was very close to the point of non-return. If only she touched him where he needed her the most, all bets would be off.
His eyes opening slightly, his breath ragged, he broke the kiss.
“Ask me…”
His voice was husky and sounded almost foreign to his ears. One more kiss – he just could not help it.
“Ask me what you wanted to ask me earlier…”
Lisa traced his face with her fingertips, and Michael realized that those small touches had become everything for him.
“I got two questions, actually…”
The goofy grin he let out made her grin. Good. Baby steps.
“Go right ahead, then.”
“Alright… The first one is…” She looked pensive for a second. “Tell me why you don’t play anymore…”
Michael’s eyes narrowed.
“Excuse me?”
“You don’t play anymore, Mike. I wanna know why. I would love to know where that side of you has gone… and what I can do to have it back. If I can do anything at all.”
He had been expecting something related to Christine, but no, of course Lisa would not touch the subject with a stick. Not yet, at least. However, her question had been beyond unimaginable, especially because…
“But it’s not true, Lise… I do play. We been playing on this beach for how long now? Over an hour?”
He tried to keep his voice light, carefree, but it didn’t sound convincing at all, not even to himself. And Lisa’s face became very calm and collected. She also didn’t move and didn’t try to pull away from his embrace, which was definitely a good thing.
“We have been, but only because that’s what we’re required to do. That’s all. Not because it came natural to you. And it’s the first time I have seen you remotely playful in… Hell, I don’t even know how long.” She framed his face with both hands and her eyes finally showed what she had been trying so hard to conceal. It was pain. “Did I do this to you? Did I… force you to grow up? Did I bore you to the point that you feel you can’t no longer be childlike, spontaneous, trusting?”
God, what was she saying? No, this was not it at all! He hadn’t changed that much. Or had he?
His struggle was apparent and Lisa, of course, noticed it. She kept framing his face but her touch became lighter. She caressed his cheeks and then her hands came to rest on his shoulders, gently.
“It’s okay. I don’t need you to answer right now. But I just want you to know… If you ever find out that is something that happened because of me-”
“It hasn’t.” Michael shook his head, his eyes somber now. “It has nothing to do with you.”
It was the truth. Her words had only given him pause. He had never, not once in the past year or so, reflected upon that aspect of his personality. That trait that Lisa could no longer see. And now that he thought about it, he couldn’t either. The problem was that he didn’t know where it had gone, and certainly he had no idea why it had vanished. But she was right: he didn’t have an answer, not as long as he avoided to honestly assess the issue and find a reason for it. A cause instead of a symptom. Telling his wife that he just felt emotionally numb most of the time would not do. That was the effect of whatever was going on, but not the motive.
Why did he feel that way, beyond those empty words he had mechanically listed during their couple therapy sessions? Disillusionment, midlife crisis, boredom. Those too were nothing but an indication of something else. Something deeper. Maybe something much more severe.
“Michael… Babe…”
It startled him to hear Lisa’s voice. It was so beyond soft that it almost made him feel like crying. What the fuck was wrong with him?
“Yes…”
“Whatever the answer will be, I’m with you. I love you. And I think…” She bit her lip and the familiar crease on her forehead appeared. “…I think we can fix this. Whatever it is.”
“I don’t have an answer to your question.”
“I know.”
“Because I hadn’t noticed.”
She lightly touched his lips and he kissed her fingers.
“I know.”
A sudden gust of wind broke the spell and the moment, re-composing him again. Making him whole, at least apparently. He cleared his throat.
“But you said… That you had another question for me…”
Lisa studied his face.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Lay it on me, then.”
She grinned, but the tiny smile didn’t reach her eyes. The brief, unexpected playful moment was over.
“What do you think about what the doctor wants us to do? Later tonight, I mean…”
Michael raised his eyebrows and exhaled a long breath. Now, that was something he had an answer to.
“I think it’s gonna be hard.” He shrugged. “I really thought this weekend was going to be about us and us alone.”
Right… She did too.