Chapter 15
“Thing were falling apart. We just could not slow down. We were evolving into something greater, perhaps too much for our own good. And one thing always remained as I moved on. I saved a little bit of love just in case you would ever return home.”
― Robert M. Drake
The next morning
The sky was nothing but a blanket of clouds. White, puffy, looking like a sea of cotton candy, slowly moving underneath her. Lisa couldn’t tell where they were, as the whole geography of countries – lands, seas, mountains – had always looked murky to her whenever she was on a plane. But she could almost feel the ambiguous intensity of Los Angeles getting closer and closer. Suffocating and liberating at the same time.
That was the place she called home. Or one of them, at least. It was the place where she had first met Michael again as an adult. It was the place where her kids – whom she missed with all her heart – were waiting for their mama to come back so they could celebrate Christmas together. And it was also the place where her mother was. Lisa knew she would find her at Hidden Hills, likely waiting for her. And at that very moment, the last thing she wanted was to see, or even worse talk, to Priscilla.
They hadn’t spoken again after their explosive phone conversation following John’s arrival in Prague and, quite frankly, Lisa had nothing else to say to her mom. She was deflated and still very disappointed in her machinations, even though John had ended up being nothing but a blip on her and Michael’s radar. That said, it wasn’t that she was coming home with any new revelations for Priscilla anyway. Lisa and Michael were once again done, after the sweet, passionate interlude they had decided to engage in while abroad. As intense as it had been, what had happened was nothing more than their umpteenth dirty little secret. She wouldn’t be laughing in Priscilla’s face and tell her that, despite all the schemes and manipulations, she and Michael were finally back together and had no intention of letting go of each other ever again. That was stuff that dreams were made of, not reality.
Reality was so much different, mundane almost. And so much painful.
However, up until a few hours earlier Lisa wouldn’t have imagined sharing a plane with Michael either. Instead, he had been able to convince her to go back to L.A. with him after they were finally done making love, the night before. She still remembered when the exact moment when it had happened. They lay on their sides, still naked and sweaty, facing each other.
“Fly back home with me tomorrow.”
“I have a plane ticket, you know. I paid for it already.”
“I don’t care. Come back home with me.”
Laughing joylessly, she had reached out, touching his still sweaty face.
“Is that your post-orgasmic bliss speaking? Mike… you don’t wanna say anything you might regret in a few hours, believe me.”
“No, it’s just me asking. And I ain’t saying anything I don’t mean.” He had taken her hand and kissed her knuckles. “So? What do you say?”
His gentle questioning and very calm demeanor had made her wonder for a second. They had been so good at keeping the most emotional part of their relationship out of this thing up until… Well, up until saying the dreaded words in the midst of their passion. I love you. The most dangerous admission. The sharpest blade.
Lisa wondered if that changed anything at all. In all frankness, she doubted it. Lack of love had never been an issue between Michael and her. On the other hand, lack of trust had ended up sullying everything. She didn’t know if she had the strength to go through this again, and yet a part of her rejoiced at the possibility despite knowing that happy endings didn’t really exist in real life. The pain would always find a way to come through, at one point or another, so it was probably best to try to avoid it altogether.
“I say that it is a possibility. I’m just wondering why the idea has even crossed your mind…”
Michael had laughed.
“Oh, girl. You know me. Many things cross my mind when you’re around.”
“Yeah, I’m not going to punch another ticket to our Mile High Club card if I ever decide I’m gonna fly back with you.”
“Who knows? A man can dream…” His eyes were amused. But then he had turned serious again. “No, but all joking aside… I really am asking you because I want you to say yes.”
“And why is that?”
“Because until we land in Los Angeles, our trip isn’t over.”
Lisa had taken a moment to really try to read him beyond that casual surface.
“Do you really want to live this up until the very last moment?”
He hadn’t tried to hide at all. He hadn’t averted his gaze, nor had tried to clam up.
“Can you blame me? Can’t you see how good this is?” Scooting closer, he had leaned his forehead against hers. “What’s some more hours together gonna do, Lise… Unless… Unless, you know, it’s something you don’t want to do.”
Some more hours together. That was what this was all about for him. Certainly not the long-term commitment she had dreamed of. Without even saying it out loud, it had seemed to her that he had effectively drawn a line. There was a now, and then there was a later. She was part of the former but wouldn’t be part of the latter, and Michael seemed to be fine with it. He just wanted to drag this thing out a little longer just because he could.
And from that point on, the ball had pretty much fallen in her court. What did she want to do? Just kick him out of her suite now that they were done or truly hold onto him until the very last drop of shared time?
Well… look at where you are now. It’s pretty clear what you want. If you could drag this out until the end of time, you probably would.
Yeah, probably.
She and Michael were sitting side by side, just like they used to do when they were married – or lovers, after their divorce. When they would travel together all over the world, most of the time in secrecy. But this was once again a different situation. They were too close to be fuck buddies and too scarred to be something vaguely resembling to an actual couple.
“Lise… look at that… over there…”
His voice, low and deep, reeled her back to the present. Where she was supposed to be, unless she genuinely wanted these last hours to slip from her fingers like sand because her head was way too stuck up her ass to live in the moment.
“What?”
He was pointing at the clouds.
“See there? That’s a giraffe. See the long neck? The tiny ears?”
Lisa’s eyes narrowed. All she saw were shapeless clouds.
“Nope. No giraffe. Just stupid clouds.”
“Oh, come on! There… There’s the little tail, too. And if you watch closely, you’ll also see bushes, and flowers, and valleys… and a face that looks like that of a giant lion.” He smiled, his eyes still fixed on that fluffy white wall outside the porthole. “I thought I had almost lost the ability to see those things in the clouds. But it’s all different now…”
Her eyes left the carpet of clouds the plane had sunk into and moved to Michael’s face. She stared at him for a moment, wondering when exactly she had stopped seeing the world through his eyes. She had been so skilled at doing it, in the past. It had been so easy, too. Falling in love with him had also meant interpreting life differently. For someone as disillusioned as she had been since her father had died, Michael sure had managed to fill her spirit with hope and magic and wonder. To take her higher and higher. And now, all of that seemed to be gone again. All that was left was her usual countdown to loneliness.
“I wish I could. But I can’t.”
His arm came to rest around her shoulders and he pulled her close, kissing her lips gently.
“Oh, you can. You just gotta want it. You gotta have faith and believe in what isn’t always right in front of you, girl.”
They landed at LAX about a couple of hours later, early in the morning – Los Angeles time. Before they left the plane, Michael had made some phone calls to make sure no paparazzi would be there, just in case. Then – for good measure – they had all exited the airport using those convenient tunnels underneath the building, managing to go pretty much unnoticed. Maybe, on the day before Christmas even the tabloids had better things to think about than a messed up couple that didn’t really know what to do with itself.
Half an hour later, Michael and Lisa found themselves in the deserted underground parking garage only reserved to the airport staff. And, of course, some special clients. Michael’s SUV was already there, and so was Lisa’s driver, waiting for her in a white Audi. Her stomach dropped.
Lisa took a deep breath when she felt Michael’s hand grab hers. He pulled her in a corner and moved her body so that he could find her eyes easily. She just watched him, wordlessly. What were they supposed to say to each other? Their people taking care of luggage, walking around them like busy little bees became almost invisible to her.
“Well…”
“Let’s not drag this out longer than we need to, Mike…”
She knew she had sounded snippy when he frowned.
“What’s going on? Are you mad at me now?”
Oh no. Not at all. She was in love with him and just mad at herself. She had always been able to dream big, but lately she had become less and less effective at pursuing her own fantasies, especially if the threat of bleeding out in the process was real. Michael was a shining example of that.
“No, no. Why should I be? I’m good.”
“You don’t look too good.”
“It’s been a long flight and I’m just tired. You know me… jet lag messes me up. And I also gotta get going… the kids are waiting for me.”
Michael bit his lip.
“Yeah… Same. They’re at my mom’s… And then we’re going back to the ranch.”
More awkward silence. How were they even supposed to navigate this?
“Hey, Michael… Look. I don’t want us to be weirded out by this. Let’s just say goodbye and… you know… Store away what happened…”
“Store away…” He tilted his head and Lisa felt her face go up in flames.
“Yeah! I mean, it was fun, it was easy and… all that crap we already talked about. And now we gotta take care of our business, just like we said we would.”
“Right…”
Words failed her and she sighed.
“Lisa…” His grip on her hand became tighter.
“Maybe we can see each other again every now and then…”
She had blurted out the words in a hurry, not really knowing where they had come from. Probably from the rawest, most honest and more hidden part of her.
This time, Michael’s eyebrows sprung up.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah… I mean… If you want… And if we’re not too busy with more important stuff… And, you know… people…”
His face turned serious and she could tell that he was pondering over her words. Of course, she was implying that they might fuck again if that was what they both wanted. Or maybe they would be able to just meet up and talk a bit, like regular friends were supposed to do.
Yeah… ‘cause that type of thing always turned out well in the past. You and Mike would always end up “talking” in bed. With your clothes off.
Whatever, friends with benefits, then. It was the best she could come up with at the moment, because that was the fragile balance between what she truly needed from him and what, rationally, she guessed they could obtain. She just couldn’t imagine herself walking away from him as if he was any other man. Men like Cezar… or John. They had never meant much to her, while Michael, he was her whole heart.
“Okay…”
He sounded uncertain. Lisa nodded her head and let go of his hand. Time to go. She started to back away from him and turned. What a motherfucking sad Christmas Eve this was. It was not supposed to feel like this at all. But at least, she still had a full day to recover from this, to get over feeling like a teenager dealing with her first crush and act like a normal person again. At least around her children. She owed them – and herself – that much.
She began walking toward the car and felt Michael’s eyes lingering on her. She could tell that he hadn’t moved at all. Not yet. As if he was waiting for something. God, she wanted to cry.
And then, before she could even command her own body to actually march toward the Audi, she turned and quickly ran back to him. His arms opened and he hugged her, lifting her up ever so slightly. Circling his neck, she let her fingers sink into his hair as they kissed one last time. Letting go of his lips was difficult.
“Merry Christmas, Michael…”
He just stared at her and didn’t say a word.
A few hours later, she had managed to find some sort of self-control again. She had put all her energy into decorating the house with Riley and Ben and she had to admit, the Christmas tree now standing right in the middle of the family room looked magnificent. Yes, they were a bit late with the decorations, but at least the result had been worth the effort. Plus, there had been the added bonus of not having to exchange a word with Priscilla, who had left the house about five minutes before Lisa arrived. That was what one of the maids had told Lisa the moment she had stepped into the foyer. Her mother had a meeting she had to attend and needed to go, but not before letting the staff know that she would be waiting for Lisa and the kids the next day, at her house.
Yeah… no. Lisa didn’t think she would be spending Christmas day at Priscilla’s this year. She really was not in the mood to see her.
Once back at Hidden Hills, all she would have wanted was to just go to bed for a bit and try to sleep off that jet lag. It truly looked as if this day had been going on forever, and in a way it was just like that. However, the kids were hyper and wanted to know everything about her stay in Prague. They wanted to know about the markets and the little stalls full of toys and souvenirs. They wanted to know about the food and the swans swimming in the river. They wanted to know about the clock tower and the snow decorating the city.
And eventually, they also asked about Michael.
“How do you even know Michael was there?”
Riley carefully fixed a little white ribbon on the tree.
“Grandma told us.”
Lisa frowned, ever so slightly.
“Yeah? And what did she tell you?”
“Uh…”
Glancing over at Riley, she noticed that she was blushing.
“It’s okay. You can speak your mind, Ri…”
“She didn’t say much, really. Just that you gave her the best present ever, by meeting up with him in Prague…”
Lisa snorted. Yeah, she bet.
“She didn’t sound too happy, though. I don’t know why, ‘cause Michael is so sweet.”
Playfully, Lisa threw one of the Christmas balls left in the box at her daughter.
“Well, we don’t know and we don’t care, right?”
Riley laughed, happy that her mom didn’t seem too upset by grandma’s obvious sarcasm.
Lisa hated this. She didn’t like it when Priscilla tried to poison the kids against Michael or her. Despite their issues as a couple, he had never deserved any of that as he had always been nothing but wonderful to the children. He had always treated them as if they were his own, and she knew how much he loved them. A love that was fully reciprocated.
“So, how is he? Is he still there in Prague?”
“He’s good. And no, he’s no longer there either. He’s here in Los Angeles… I mean, out there at his ranch.”
“At Neverland?! Can we go, mom?”
She looked up at Riley. The hopeful tone in her voice couldn’t be ignored. And yet, it had to be.
“Ah… I think he’s a bit busy right now. You know, his children are very little and they need their dad…”
“Doesn’t he have a nanny?”
Lisa scoffed again. Yes. Of course he did have a nanny. One of the kids, and surely several for himself, for all those nights when he felt lonely and needed company. She was pretty sure he would soon summon them over again, once the high of what had happened in Prague faded.
Oh, come on. Stop being so bitter! He told you he loves you. And you know he does. So stop being willfully blind to his feelings for you. Give him some slack. And some credit.
“He does have a nanny, yes…”
“Well, then, maybe we could just…”
The phone rang, saving Lisa the heartache of having to tell her daughter that they couldn’t go to Neverland, because Christmas was a family matter, and Michael had stopped being part of their family a long time ago.
Neverland Ranch – Santa Barbara County
It had been the look on Grace’s face that had finally stunned him out of his exhausted stupor. Something in the way she looked at him as they took care of the decorations – personally – and of the Christmas tree. It was the same look he had seen before he left for Prague. Full of longing. Desire. And it still made him feel utterly uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, it made him feel miserable.
Grace was an amazing nanny, she really was. The kids loved her. However, Michael was well aware that she also wanted to be so much more than an employee when it came to their family unit. The fact that he was a single dad certainly didn’t help. He was pretty sure that, had another woman been around, Grace would have already backed off at this point and made peace with the fact that he didn’t like her that way, but the current situation was confusing to her, ambiguous, and it wasn’t even her fault. She lived there, with him and the kids, pretty much 24/7 and it didn’t look like she had any intention of building a life on her own. And why should she, anyway? He obviously needed help. He wasn’t a stay-at-home dad, he still had plenty of work to do and despite being very hands-on with the kids, he couldn’t guarantee his constant presence. And that was the gap that Grace had been filling.
Throughout the whole decoration process, she had been kinda-sorta flirting with him nonstop and Michael was way too tired to rebuff her like he would have usually done. She was also very happy that they would be spending Christmas at the ranch, just the four of them, to the point that she had told him how much she had been looking forward to his return.
He had glanced over at her, his stomach dropping. In a way, he wished he could reciprocate the sentiment, and maybe in different circumstances – or in another version of reality, more likely – he would have. But not after meeting Lisa again in Prague.
He now felt as if those few days that he had spent alone with her had managed to shock him awake again, and the past several months had lost much of their colors and appeal. If before his trip to Prague he could have considered the current situation as something comfortable and normal, all of a sudden he felt like suffocating. And he also felt utterly lonely, in desperate need to find some balance again.
Excusing himself, Michael went to his home office and closed the door behind his back, then walked over to the desk and stood there for a moment, just staring into space. Trying not to rush the emotions he was feeling, but to experience them in all their clarity. Doing his best to read the truth hidden between their silences and pauses.
And then, just like that – like a star suddenly appearing in the darkest sky – the words that Lisa had told him before leaving him in that garage took an entirely different meaning. He hadn’t been able to read between the lines at first, but now maybe he did.
“Maybe we can see each other again every now and then…”
Straightening up, almost holding his breath and yet feeling very confident in himself, he picked up the phone and dialed her number.
Her phone rang maybe two or three times, and he convinced himself that he would likely go straight to voice-mail. But then he heard her voice.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Lise…”
Silence.
“Hey, Mike…”
“You okay? Are you busy right now?”
“Yeah… I’m okay, and no, I’m not busy. I was just fixing up the damn tree…”
“Uh-uhm… Same here… Is Danny there?”
“No… Eventually, he decided to stay with his parents and will be back in a few days. So it’s just the kids and me. Why?”
“No reason. I was just curious.”
“Well… Is that it? Is there anything else you wanted to know?”
This felt weird. They were tip-toeing around each other like crazy. Finally, he decided that going straight to the point would probably help.
“Ah, yeah. Remember when you told me that maybe we can see each other every now and then?”
“…Yeah.”
“I was just thinking… how about now? I mean, later today. This evening.”
More silence.
“Michael… Are you drunk?”
He had to laugh, and his heart filled with joy. He could tell from the tone in her voice that she wasn’t mad at him at all. She sounded surprised. And relieved.
“Hell, no. I’m perfectly sound of mind. It just crossed my mind, since you and I are both gonna spend Christmas Eve on our own, with our own kids, maybe we can join forces and…”
“Are you inviting me over to the ranch?”
Her voice now sounded amused, slightly higher than usual. And giddy. And a bit incredulous. He could tell that she had totally not been expecting his call. Good…
“Yes. I can send a helicopter right away if you want.”
“Fuck off. I’m not jumping on one of those things.”
Michael laughed again.
“I’m glad to hear your spunk is no worse for the wear, jet-lag or not…”
“I took some time to relax…”
“Well, you can come over with the kids and relax some more. I got plenty of space here.”
“I don’t know, Michael. I am still tired. I don’t think I’ll be up to driving back to Hidden Hills later tonight.”
“Then don’t! I mean, you don’t have to, if you don’t want to. You can stay. The guest houses are ready, and I’m sure Danielle and Benjamin would love to spend some time here…”
“Yeah… They asked about you, you know?”
“They did?”
His smile widened.
“Yeah.”
“…Please, come, Lise. I would love to see you and the children.”
All was perfect. Or, at the very least, as perfect as it could be given the circumstances.
Lisa had decided to just take some time for herself, now that Riley and Ben had finally fallen asleep after having been more than hyper for the entire evening. And they were now out like a light in the main mansion, by the way, and not in the guest house that Michael had gotten ready for them. Eventually, Lisa’s kids had decided that they wanted to sleep near the huge Christmas tree and wake up surrounded by presents. She had acquiesced, and with Michael they had all set up a small tent in the huge living room to make them comfortable for the night. They had spread cushions and fluffy blankets on the carpets, lit up tiny lights all over the room and wished them goodnight after making sure that they were finally dozing off.
Then, Lisa and Michael had gone upstairs together, just to make sure that Michael’s children too were fine. Of course, Prince and Paris were still way too little to truly enjoy Christmas, and they were both soundly asleep. They had been for hours, and even Grace had gone back to her room after wishing everyone goodnight. She had looked a bit disappointed when she had seen Lisa’s car appear in the driveway, but Lisa supposed she would get over it. Yes, she was aware that the nanny wanted to bang her boss, and she was not even sure it had ever happened. She had never really spoken to Mike about it. What she was reasonably sure of, however, was that there would be no nanny-shagging tonight. Not from Michael, at least.
Saying yes to his offer had been the easiest thing in the world, and she hadn’t even tried to pretend otherwise. When he had called her, he had been able to stun her to the point that she hadn’t had the time to wall up at all. She had just gone with the flow – and her heart – and told him that she would get the kids ready and they would all join him at his ranch. Of course, the mental excuse Lisa had given herself was that Riley had brought up the subject first and that Ben too adored Michael, so this was all for the children’s benefit… But she knew. Deep down, she couldn’t even pretend that spending Christmas with Michael didn’t feel like the best present ever.
And it had been just that.
Throughout the whole evening, he had been just adorable. Present, thoughtful, sweet, attentive to their every need. He had accompanied the kids on the Ferris wheel while Lisa waited for them near the candy shop, because the temperature was uncharacteristically chilly and she was not in the mood to freeze to death. He had been, as usual, the perfect stepfather and the perfect host. As if she needed any more reasons to love him.
She had also noticed the subtle glances he had thrown at her several times during the evening. His eyes were sweet, and yet there was a warmth in them, a heat, that made her feel in some type of way. As if they were still in Prague. It was so weird… Like experiencing a little bit of the magic that they had lived abroad. As if they had brought some of it with them after returning home without even noticing. She hadn’t thought it would be possible, and yet she had been wrong. Again.
How many other things she had gotten wrong, when it came to Michael? Maybe more than she could ever fathom.
Obviously, they had tried to keep it casual and friendly because the kids and the nanny were there. Still, the time they had spent together had infused Lisa with a peace that she hadn’t even imagined existed just a few hours earlier. What the heck was going on? Maybe all this was nothing but a stupid dream, and in a minute she would wake up at Hidden Hills, John snoring and slobbering next to her, wondering what she could do to save herself from the heartbreaking feeling of having her deepest desire slip away from her every single fucking time.
But no, of course. This was not a dream. This was some bizarre version of reality, a multiverse where she and Michael had somehow managed to get over their issues, to the point that they actually enjoyed spending time together.
For such a long time after their final breakup, and especially after what had happened in Paris, Lisa had convinced herself that he would never truly be there for her. In her darkest moments, she had also thought that he had never loved her at all. And yet, spending just a handful of days detached from the toxic environment that had poisoned their relationship so many times, everything had turned out to be different. Michael had been there for here, she just hadn’t been able to see it because she had thought that her way to love, to be present, was the only way. And maybe, just maybe, the joke was on her just as much as it was on him when it came to their breakup: yes, he had been insufferable at times, and closed off and difficult, but how many expectations had she put on him through the years? Probably, just as many as he had put on her.
That was why it was paramount that she didn’t put any expectations on him at all now. Not anymore. If she did it again and he disappointed her, or didn’t embody her very personal version of what love was supposed to be, she would end up destroyed again. She was not sure she would be able to survive another breakup, and the mere idea scared her to death. He scared her. And yet she loved him to pieces, to the point that just having him around managed to make her soul soar. That was her damnation, and her blessing. The moment they had both pretended that what they were doing was nothing but a game, something trivial that could easily be put aside once their trip was over, they had officially started to deceive each other – and themselves – again. She should have known better.
Stupid, stubborn mules!
The thoughts swirling around like pesky flies had ended up upsetting her, making her feel anxious and confused. She had left the house while Michael was still with his kids and had taken a little walk in the garden just around the mansion because of that. Because, if only for a moment, she needed to stop soaring and had to have her feet solidly attached to the ground. That was the only way to navigate through this… whatever it was. To be rational.
She heard the golf cart arrive, breaking through her meditations with razor-like precision. And obviously, it could only be Michael. Pretty much all the staff had been sent home tonight, so they could spend Christmas with their families. Only Grace had decided to stay and have her heart shattered by the realization that her boss didn’t want her that way. Somehow, Lisa felt sympathetic toward that woman… but not too much.
Michael slowed down and stopped right in front of her, but didn’t turn off the engine. Strangely enough, he was back at wearing the same parka he had donned in Prague, the same gloves, the same beanie.
“Lise… What are you doing out there all alone?”
“Just breathing some fresh air and defusing a bit after hours of my children being extra.”
He laughed.
“Oh, I see. Well, they’re happy.”
“I know… They always are, when they’re here.”
He just stared at her with that little grin still on his face. Everything else seemed to disappear. His face was the only thing she saw in the darkness of the night. The only thing she heard – almost in the background – was the slow rumbling of the engine.
“What about you? Are you crazy, running around on that thing so late at night?”
“I was looking for you.”
“I never moved. I’m right in front of the house, Michael.”
“I know. Come on. Let’s go. I got a blanket for you.”
“What for?”
“Ah, ‘cause I want you to stay warm since it’s freezing balls tonight? Come on.”
He took her hand and pulled her close to him, and they found themselves face to face. Her eyes moved from his eyes down to his lips. God… she wanted to kiss him so bad. She wanted him to kiss her so much, long enough for all the bullshit her head was full of to disappear.
Michael tilted his head, then kissed her cheek. When he spoke again, his voice sounded slightly hoarse.
“Hold onto me. And don’t forget the blanket.”
And so she did. She turned herself into a fluffy red burrito and then leaned against Michael’s shoulder as he slowly drove down the pathway, only vaguely illuminated by sporadic Christmas lights decorating the trees.
Lisa knew where he was going because they had driven down that same route countless times in the previous years. But not recently. As a matter of fact, not in a very long time.
He stopped the golf cart near his favorite tree. The place at the ranch where he would always find peace of mind, inspiration, and hope. A place he had wanted to share with Lisa almost immediately, the very moment they had become friends and even before they became lovers. And then, afterward… after Tokyo, that spot had become their favorite location on several other instances. They had talked there, and made love. They had imagined and planned their future together under that tree. At times they had cried.
Tonight, Michael’s tree looked even more magnificent and majestic than usual. Unlike all the other trees Lisa had seen on their way over, this one had been decorated with colored lights with a level of attention that bordered on obsession. It wasn’t supposed to be a Christmas tree and certainly didn’t look like one, but it almost felt like a totem coming back to life.
“Here we are…”
“Why did you bring me here?”
“To talk to you. Come with me?”
He offered her his hand and she took it, not really knowing what to say. She had no idea what was going through his mind and she remained cautious, just in case. The relentless shift between disillusionment and hope was exhausting. They walked over to the tree, their steps muffled on the grass, surrounded by the cold breeze swooping in, dancing with the leaves.
Instinctively, desperately trying to protect herself from whatever would come next, Lisa leaned her back against the trunk and wrapped herself tighter in the blanket. Her eyes never left Michael.
His head dropped and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. She waited, allowing him to process this the way he saw fit. Then he looked up again.
“What you said the other night… while we were making love… did you mean it?”
She knew exactly what he was talking about.
“I say many things when you make love to me… I tend to get carried away a bit…”
His eyes narrowed for a moment and he stayed quiet some more. She expected him to back off, and she hated herself for trying to downplay what he was trying to say. She was the best at sabotaging herself, a detail she had willingly put aside while she accused him of doing the exact same thing.
“Do you love me, Lisa?” He tilted his head to a side, his face serious. “Are you still in love with me?”
Yes, she was. Still. Or she had fallen in love with him all over again, but the conclusion remained the same. She was entirely unprepared for his line of questioning and trying to stall for a bit hadn’t given her the clarity of mind she needed to fend him off. Once again, she thought that fighting this feeling was exhausting, draining and… disheartening.
“…Yes.”
He blinked, then moved a step forward – in her direction – and stopped.
“So… it wasn’t just something you said because… because I was blowing your mind…”
She had to laugh.
“No, egomaniac. It wasn’t just because of that.”
He smiled, ever so slightly, and seemed to relax a bit.
“Why did you take me here, Michael? I thought things were clear… that everything was out in the open…”
Lisa’s smile faded. She felt so tired. She just wanted to lie down, curl up in a little ball and sleep. And forget about the mess she could do of things. Forget about her paralyzing fears.
“Because I wanted us to be in a place that makes us feel safe… where nothing bad can happen to us… So we could really lay everything out in the open. You know we didn’t do that yet, girl.”
She sighed and decided to just ignore that very pivotal last part.
“Do you really believe that? Do you really think that such a place exists, Mike? ‘Cause it doesn’t. This is just a tree… Nothing else…”
“Yeah? The same way what we were doing was just fooling around?”
She shook her head.
“It’s not the same.”
“Yes, yes it is!”
This time, he did step forward and Lisa shifted, starting to walk back toward the golf cart.
“I’m cold. Your blanket is nice, but it’s not enough. I wanna go back to the house.”
That was her best attempt at evading the conversation. What a coward she had become, after years nagging at him, begging him to be more open and straightforward. And she wasn’t even being manipulative. She didn’t expect him to stop her either. She really didn’t know how to handle whatever he was subjecting her to. But he was faster, of course. He grabbed her hand and turned her body in his direction, facing her. Preventing her from leaving.
“Lisa, stop. What is your problem?”
And she finally snapped.
“You!” She opened her arms and the red blanket slid down onto the grass. “You are my problem!”
“How? What have I done, now? How in the world am I a problem for you?”
“Because you’re not in my life anymore, that’s why!”
Michael frowned, his back straightening. He was visibly confused.
“I am right here! In front of you! Telling you that… that…”
“That, what? You didn’t say anything. You asked. And you got your answer. You won. Happy? Now let’s go back to the house, please.”
Her voice was now reduced to a whisper and she attempted one last, desperate retreat. And once again, he didn’t let her pull away. Instead he took her hand once again and yanked her closer to him. She collided with his solid chest and then he kissed her.
Lisa didn’t even miss a beat. Her arms went around his neck and she kissed him back with all the frustration – and passion – she felt. His tongue in her mouth felt heavenly and the only emotion she experienced, at that very moment, was gratitude. Utter and complete gratitude, because he had stopped her. He had her back. He had protected her from her own lunacy. Yes, he had let her leave one year earlier, when she had thought that it was finally over between them, but he wasn’t allowing her to step away now. Thankfully.
“You think this is a game to me? This ain’t about winning. I didn’t win a damn thing so far.” His eyes were serious.
Michael maneuvered her body as if it weighed nothing and she let him. When her back once again collided with the tree, she almost didn’t notice. Her eyes were closed and she just found his lips again.
They broke the kiss after what felt forever, both panting. Staying very close to each other, his body pressing against her, her hands on his face.
“I love you…” One more kiss and she felt the unmistakable burn of tears threatening to spill. “I am in love with you and I can’t imagine going back to my life the way it was before… before Prague… pretending that what happened didn’t happen…”
Lisa kept framing his face.
“We said it would be just a trip…”
“Yeah… we said a lot of crap. What we didn’t say is that we were happy. I think we still can be. I know you think the same, I can feel it.”
Her eyes fluttered closed and, this time, those damn tears streamed down her cheeks. She felt the touch of his gloved hand on her face, then his lips again.
“Don’t cry. You’re gon’ make me lose it and I’m trying to have a life-changing conversation here. It’s long overdue.”
She smiled between the tears. He was so silly… And so impossible not to love.
“Michael… I need you to know something.” She swallowed. “I am sorry I can’t deal with this the way you want me to. I just don’t know how to do it. Everything seemed so cut and dry… I had almost gotten used to it. But then it all changed and became murky again…”
“How… I mean… I know why it’s murky… But I wanna know how you feel about this… ‘Cause I damn sure know what it means to me.”
“Being there with you… working with you on that project for just a few days, in a place that was so devoid of all the shit that caused us to crash and burn… It made me see that you’re not the man at times I thought you were. You’re much better than that… and I had forgotten all about that. How much slack we can give each other. How much you can have my back and be a friend to me… not just a lover. It was shocking to realize how wrong I had been about so many things. How did it happen? How could I forget?”
He just shook his head. Maybe he didn’t have an answer. Or maybe he did, but it was just pointless to say it out loud.
“And it became so easy… So fucking easy to put aside all that went wrong between us and give myself to you again… But I have to keep myself safe somehow. I can’t imagine going down the same route that almost killed me before… I can’t. I have my children to think about. I gotta be there for them.”
“Then be there for them. With me. And be there for me… ‘cause I know I wanna be there for you.”
It was her turn to shake her head.
“You don’t get it, do you? You make it sound so easy. You think all is good just because we fucked. But it’s not that simple. Deep down, you know it. I can’t imagine going back with you and living in fear of losing you again, Mike. It’s terrifying.”
“It is. You think I don’t know what it feels like? You were the one leaving the last time around… And it wasn’t even the first time you did it.”
It dawned on her that he was right. She had left countless times through the years, at times punishing him because she had felt he had left her first somehow.
“I thought it was what you needed…”
“It wasn’t. I just didn’t know how to make you stay, I told you. You always say I’m the one leaving, but you do the same damn thing.”
She bit her lip.
“Mike… You gotta understand. If there’s something worse than losing who you love, it’s losing them over and over again. That’s how I felt last year, how I felt last summer in Paris, and how I felt countless times before then.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry. What happened in Paris… it was fucked up. I should have handled it better.”
She grasped the lapel of his parka and gritted her teeth, almost shaking him.
“But you did! Can’t you see it? You dealt with it perfectly. Your priorities were right. And it put everything into perspective for me.”
“Well, believe it or not, it did it for me too. But not back then. Now. I thought being a dad was all I wanted, and in a way it is… but still… I know something is missing. There’s also so much more that I want, and it’s what you give me. We came back from Prague, we said goodbye, and all of a sudden I felt incomplete. Like I was missing a limb.”
“Michael… what are you saying…”
“That I miss you. And don’t even think it’s not scary for me too, the way you make me feel… ‘cause it is. I’m just better than you are at hiding it.” He smirked, and she scoffed, leaning her forehead against him for a second.
The feeling of her heart coming back to life again threatened to destroy her, and yet she didn’t fight it off. Not this time. Not while he held her captive with his eyes, those words she had longed to hear forever, and his love. Which, ultimately, was like nothing she had ever experienced.
“Lise… I thought about what you told me in that garage… about the way you kissed me before running to your car, and I know it meant something. We were back in Los Angeles and yet we weren’t acting as if our trip was over.”
“Yeah… I know. And then I decided that I had to be rational about the whole thing.”
“But you aren’t rational about it!” His body pushed against hers without being a burden at all. His thumbs caressed her cheeks when he framed her face with both hands, mirroring her actions. “Can’t you see it? You’re scared… and fear ain’t rational. I know it because I feel the same way… and I want it to stop.”
“I never thought you were scared, Michael. Just bitter. Just disappointed in me.”
He tilted his head.
“I haven’t been that in a long time. Being without you… and then with you again… helped me see things differently. I wish it could be the same for you.”
It was. It was just very hard to admit it, to say it out loud. Because if she did so now, the modicum of self-defense she had left to protect herself from him would shatter. And likely, it would maul them both in the process.
“Lisa… How long have we been this terrified? How many times has this fear held us back?”
Those were rhetorical questions, she could tell. And she also knew that he was right. He had made his move, and she understood that it was now time for her to do the same and come clean with him. She could either choose to push him away forever or truly hold onto him, and trust him – trust the both of them – again. And not in that half-assed, half-hearted way they had chosen for months, maybe years, before their last breakup. Walking on that thin line between being serious and casual. If she decided that she wanted him, it had to be all of him. Just like before. Now, if only she could be sure that it was just the same for him…
What else is this man supposed to do, Lisa Marie? He just lay his heart on a silver platter for you. Isn’t that enough? What the hell do you want him to say or do? All those times you accused him of loving you as much as he could love someone, you never stopped to think that it meant that he loves you with all his heart. So either you stay or go, Lisa. You either stay or go.
“Too many times.”
Michael looked slightly surprised, taken aback almost. He had been tense up until that very moment, but he knew her and recognized her surrender.
“Yeah… too many…” His thumb caressed her lips and his eyes found hers. “Tell me what you want. I wanna hear it. All of it. No more bullshit, Lisa.”
Lisa took in a deep breath and held it for a moment. She imagined herself on the verge of a huge precipice. Blue waters below. The sun scalding her skin. Needing to decide if she wanted to jump and risk it all or stay there and burn to the ground.
“I want you. I wanna be with you. I want to love you and I want you to love me. Forever. I want what we once had… and even more than that. I want it all.” She snorted. “See how stupid I sound? See how stupid I am?”
“You’re not stupid.” He shook his head. “And if you are, then we can be stupid together. And brave. We can be stupid and brave and stop being scared. You and I. Like it used to be.”
That sealed the deal, and something deep inside of her lifted. A weight disappeared. She could almost hear the chains being released. Did she want to be silly and courageous with him? Forever? God, yes. There was nothing she wanted more than that.
She pulled his head down and found his mouth, and in that kiss she conveyed everything she had held back since she had seen him again in Prague. Then she pulled back.
“Please, teach me Mike… Or tell me that we really can learn together. ‘Cause I need it. And I want to.”
“We can learn together… and we will.” His gaze fell on her lips. “Kiss me again. And then we’ll go back to the house and I promise I will find a way to make what’s left of our fears go away.”
Her body tingled, and butterflies took off in her belly. This time, she just let them fly and felt them all. His dominance, his decisiveness were just two of the countless reasons she had fallen in love with him. All of a sudden, finding a glimpse of that trust she had once put in him became very easy. Almost automatic. She kissed him again, felt her skin heat up the moment he suggestively pushed his lower body against hers. When he finally broke away and took her hand, ready to drag her toward the golf cart, she held him back for just a second. He had to know something before this Christmas miracle truly manifested itself in all its intensity.
“Mike… I did see that giraffe, you know… Eventually. In the clouds.”
His eyes were gentle.
“Yeah… I know.”