Alpha – Chapter 8
The gravity of it all
Lisa’s apartment – Later that night
Lisa
I couldn’t believe he had ambushed me. And why did a part of me feel elated, happy, relieved almost that he had? Of course, when I spotted him at the Essence I did my best to keep my poker face in place – even though I knew Michael would be able to read through me just fine. All I could hope for was that he gave me at least enough time to think about what to say to him… and how.
But first, I needed to know why he was there to begin with. And funnily enough, not once I thought about simply stepping away and leaving his intrusive ass there on its own.
What had happened in the meantime was that, in the previous days, Alfie had snooped around despite me begging him not to – while secretly hoping he wouldn’t listen to me at all. Of course I hated the idea that Michael could simply forget all about me, but at the same time I knew it was possibly the best outcome given the situation. Especially now. I couldn’t drag this man I barely knew into something that was way too big to handle – even for him. I had no idea of what to do with my pregnancy, yet, and I didn’t think Michael would be able to give me the answers nor the reassurance I needed to be in a safer space, mentally and emotionally.
Yet, bit by bit, and always very gently, Alfie had kind of guided me through a different path, a brand new thought process – inviting me to try to see things from Michael’s perspective, based on the somehow vague knowledge both Alfie and I had of him. And in doing so, he had made the possibility of me actually telling the whole truth to Michael more definite than I could have ever imagined.
In his discreet prodding around, Alfie had also come to know – from common acquaintances – that Michael had been dealing with some stuff on a personal level. Of course, the man was reserved and very much privacy-oriented when it came to his private life, and especially if he was immersed in a professional environment, but still… there had been rumors and whispers among Michael’s dancers, half-muttered words spilling from his security details. That he, in the past weeks, hadn’t been in the best of moods because something was bothering him. And all they knew was that, whatever that was, it had nothing to do with his music. It was possibly about a woman. Possibly, Michael had been ghosted and couldn’t really wrap his head around it, as he usually was the one calling the shots. Icing people out.
Apparently, the man was a master at that.
Overall, the news didn’t make me feel in any particular way. Yes, Michael had indeed tried to get in touch with me several times in the past month or so, but eventually he had simply stopped snooping around. And he had vanished. I had assumed he was probably grumpy and pissed off at the idea of having been dumped and ignored, and very much ready to move on with his life. One girl gone, down to the next one in line.
And so, the last thing I would have imagined that night was to see him walk into the club looking for me. All alone, by the way, wearing very plain clothes – black jeans, a gray sweatshirt underneath a black blazer, and boots, nothing flashy at all – as if he knew exactly where to find me. It was very likely that way. After all, he certainly had the means and resources to obtain all the information he needed.
Yeah… the guy hadn’t stopped snooping around at all.
Despite the barrage of thoughts swirling in my mind, despite feeling my heart up in my throat and having to fight the instinct of just hugging him, holding him, and asking him to please tell me that everything would be just fine, I managed to keep cool and collected as we drove over to my apartment—in his car.
By the way, he drove. His security detail followed us in a black Suburban, but Michael decided to keep this moment as private as possible… and I appreciated that. It seemed thoughtful to me, as if he truly cared.
If only…
Too bad I was sure he would fly out the door the moment I told him what was really going on.
Yet, as we finally entered my apartment without exchanging a word, he didn’t seem intentioned to leave at all. I could feel his eyes on me, watching me intently, possibly trying to read my thoughts. And at that very moment, it struck me – that maybe my behavior had confused and hurt him more than I thought possible. Perhaps I had underestimated his feelings – not for me, but in general. And it pained me to realize that maybe, possibly, I could have handled this entire thing in a different manner instead of making him feel like he didn’t mean anything to me.
But at the same time, I couldn’t take responsibility for how a grown-ass man could or could not feel about my decisions.
“Do you want something to drink?” Keeping my tone as casual and formal as possible, I threw my bag on the chair near the main door. “Maybe there’s still some beer in the fridge. Let me check.”
“Water will be fine, thank you.”
He delivered the words in a soft, polite tone while standing there, clearly unsure of what to do. He teetered forward and slipped his hands into his pockets. My heart melted a little more, his calm behavior almost deflating me and forcing me to stop midway to the kitchen.
“Hey… You know what? In the meantime, you can make yourself comfortable if you want.” I pointed at the living room and at the huge couch where I had spent so many hours napping, whenever this apartment would become my refuge. “Sit down, relax… or whatever. I’ll be right back, OK?”
Michael stared at me for a moment, then moved a step in my direction, quietly. He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently.
“OK.”
Letting go of him was way harder than it should have been.
Finally hiding in the kitchen, I closed the door behind my back and leaned against it for a minute, biting down on the inside of my cheek. I ruptured the skin and tasted blood. Metallic, slightly sweet. It didn’t surprise me. I had been gnawing at it since seeing Michael at the club. My head was spinning so bad that I felt like throwing up – such was the tension I was experiencing. This was not good at all. I was an adult, and there was no need to panic. I was the one in charge, and I had to remember that.
Retrieving some water and a couple of glasses gave me a few instants to calm myself down and clear my head.
This was it. This was the moment I had been trying to avoid for weeks, and now, of course, I could no longer escape it. Stupid me, thinking my decision wouldn’t end up biting me in the ass. Stupid me, thinking Michael was like any other man. Would I be able to be that brave, now? To be that honest?
Taking a deep breath, I walked back to the living room. He was sitting on the couch, his posture slightly stiff, glancing around with a curious expression on his face, and I almost felt pity for him. He had no idea what was about to rain on him. I also couldn’t help but notice how good he looked, and how much I had missed seeing his eyes. Hearing his voice.
I put the glasses and a pitcher full of fresh water on the coffee table.
“Wow…”
“What?” His surprised expression made me chuckle, despite nothing being funny about the entire situation. I just couldn’t help it.
“I love your place. It’s so… cool and… tidy.”
I laughed. What else could I do? That was so random!
“Are you shocked I can take care of myself and keep my apartment neat?”
“No, not at all. I’m just shocked I can’t do it at all… as you very well know.” His face had now a mischievous expression. “Besides… this is the first time I’m in your territory, so to speak. So I am… you know… taking it all in.”
That was true, and I hadn’t even thought about it. During all of our encounters, we had always been at his place. Well, places. His condo. His ranch. His bed… His shower stall.
Michael’s words also made me realize that it wasn’t so frequent that I had guys over at my place. I usually preferred to be able to up and leave whenever I felt I needed to get away from them – which happened all the time. While inviting him there, where I was at my most private, at my most genuine and vulnerable, had been as natural as breathing.
Maybe that should have given me pause. Things could have possibly gone in another direction if it had. Or maybe not. It was hard to imagine different scenarios in such complicated circumstances.
Regardless, his cool demeanor managed to relax me just a little bit for a mere second. Then sadness overwhelmed me, suddenly and taking me by surprise, almost shockingly so. It reminded me that I played a tough game, but deep down I was nothing but a scared little girl. Terrified, lonely, wounded… mistrustful of everyone. And that the truth was that I wanted to hug him, hold him – let him hold me. I wanted to feel and believe that I could trust him, that he would not hurt me like so many had done. At least for one moment. Before I dropped that bomb on him, possibly changing his life forever. No, who was I kidding? Almost certainly changing the course of his life forever.
God… I felt like crying. And Michael seemed to notice.
He tilted his head, his brow furrowing. His eyes were dark and deep – deeper than I remembered. I could tell the sudden shift in my mood had caught him off-guard and he wasn’t sure of where it had come from and what he was supposed to do. Or what I expected him to do. Irritation – more at myself than him, really – arose and I motioned to stand up.
But he was quicker, of course.
“No… wait, please. Lisa… Don’t. I just wanna understand.”
He took my hand and gently tugged at it until I sat back down, my body turning in his direction. It all happened so fast. His hand was holding mine, and then it was cradling my cheek. He scooted closer and his eyes pierced me. They looked concerned. And then he kissed me, for just a moment. Just a quick kiss on the lips, a soft peck, but enough for me to open the floodgates.
Tears immediately blurred my vision and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I began to cry quietly, something I had never done since the big discovery. Feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, I could hear Michael whispering something to me without really being able to make out his words. His lips on my forehead, the top of my head. My cheek, my lips again.
It would have been so easy to just surrender. To just pretend this wasn’t happening and go with the flow. Spend another glorious night with this man and not say a word to him. Not revealing a thing. I could have decided right then and there to let him fuck me one last time, and then send him off his merry way – and simply disappear from his radar forever. After all, I didn’t owe him anything. He didn’t owe me anything either. We were strangers… nothing to each other.
But it would have been the easy way out and for once, it wouldn’t have only been about me. Or him, for that matter.
I pulled back, my hand slightly pressing against his chest for good measure.
“Lisa…” Once again that worried look on his face. Scared, almost. Yeah, I could relate. “Come on. What’s going on? You’re starting to scare me. Why did you disappear like that? You were there, and then you were just gone. I thought…” He shook his head, biting his lip. “Look, you can just tell me… if it was because of me… if I said or did something to upset you…”
“You didn’t.”
“Are you sure?”
“I am sure. This isn’t about you, really.”
His shoulders relaxed and he straightened his stance slightly. I could tell he was genuinely confused. How could he not be?
“Well, then… what happened? At some point, I could no longer get a hold of you. You wouldn’t even take my calls. I thought you had vanished into thin air. And then I see you tonight… and you look all pale. You act so weird. And now you’re upset… crying. What the heck is going on, girl? Whatever it is, you can tell me, I promise. Are you sick?”
I shook my head and sighed.
I was just about to tell him that no, it truly wasn’t about something he had done – if not technically, but even in that case, it wouldn’t have been just his fault. I was about to tell him that I didn’t have any health issue, that he didn’t have to worry about that.
However, what came out of my mouth was something entirely different, and I blurted it out before I could even think.
“No, I’m not sick. I’m pregnant.”
Michael
At first, I thought I had simply misheard her words. But the truth was that there wasn’t any other word in the English vocabulary that would have made sense in that scenario. Nothing but what my brain had correctly registered.
I stopped cold.
“What?”
Lisa lowered her head, her eyes escaping my gaze. Her body tensed.
“You heard me. I’m pregnant, Michael.”
Silence followed and my ears began to ring. Echo, echo, echo. I started to see double and my heartbeat accelerated suddenly. Swallowing, I realized I was sweating and, not really knowing what to do, I poured some water into one of the glasses she had brought from the kitchen. I hated to see my hand shaking while I did so. However, after gulping down the water in three long sips, I began to feel calmer.
Probably, what she meant was that she had disappeared because she was back together with her ex-boyfriend, and they were now having a baby. Which sucked. Or, worst case scenario, she was already pregnant when we had fucked, and now that it was starting to show she no longer wanted me around because she didn’t want any drama.
Too bad nothing showed at all. I had watched her long enough – and intently enough – to know that her body looked just the way I remembered it. If anything, maybe she had lost a bit of weight.
“…Oh. Pregnant…? I… OK.” Sighing, I lowered my head until she finally met my gaze again. “Is that why you disappeared? Because you didn’t want me to know?”
It was the only possible explanation. For some reason, Lisa wanted me to be in the dark about the whole matter. I just wasn’t sure about what that reason was.
At first, she didn’t say a word. She just stared at me for what felt like the longest time. Enough for me to realize how quick things had changed between us, or so it felt at least. Just a handful of weeks earlier, we had been nothing but a tangled, sweaty mess. No, that wasn’t true. We had been slightly more than that… laughing and talking in a way that maybe casual lovers weren’t supposed to do. And now we were sitting on the couch, our conversation uneasy and, at times, forced. And she looked lost and lonely in a way I had never seen her before. She looked terrified.
“Maybe. But mostly because I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it, yet.” She winced. “With this baby, I mean. I still haven’t decided.”
I was expecting her to once again evade any eye contact, but she didn’t. In fact, she kept staring at me in a way that made me feel completely naked. And not in the way I would have wanted to be with her. In a much different way. In a much more profound, almost predestined way.
And then it hit me.
“Lisa… The reason you didn’t want me to know… Is it because it’s mine? The baby…” My voice sounded weird and husky, foreign even to myself. “You think I’m the one who got you pregnant?”
Her eyes narrowed, almost studying me. She looked like she was bracing for impact.
“Yeah. And it’s not that I think you are. I know you are.”
“Are you sure?”
Her jaw tightened.
“What the fuck? Yeah, Michael, I am sure. You think I’d tell you, if I wasn’t? You’re the only man I slept with, as of late. And you certainly are the only one I allowed to…” She bit her lip and shook her head. “You know what? Whatever. I am not here to try to convince you. In fact, I didn’t look for you at all. You were the one cornering me in that club. Nobody asked you to be there. So if you don’t believe me, I think you know where the fucking door is.”
I felt my face go up in flames.
“No! No, I didn’t mean to doubt you… I do believe you, Lise. I am just floored…”
“Yeah… That makes the two of us.” Her irritation immediately gave way to exhaustion.
I just stayed there, frozen, and stopped breathing for a moment as everything finally dawned on me in its full capacity. Whatever discomfort I had experienced just a minute earlier came back, multiplied tenfold. The whole world started spinning at neck-breaking speed all around me and I could no longer feel my body sitting on that darn couch. Ants were running underneath my skin – a feeling I had never experienced before.
“…But… how? How did it happen?” I could barely take in a mouthful of air as I spoke. “We… used protection… And when we didn’t… When I didn’t use a condom… you said you were on the pill…”
It was weird how my statements all sounded like insecure questions. Had this girl gotten herself a superstar baby daddy? Had she done this on purpose? No, it couldn’t be. Lisa was different, I could feel it. And she certainly didn’t need anything from me. She already had it all. In fact, she probably had more than she wanted.
“We did. And yes, I was on the pill, I told you. But…” Blinking, she raked her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath. And then her words stopped being chopped and began flowing freely, almost stunning me. She must have kept all this bottled inside for so long, and now I had unscrewed the cork without even realizing it. “Look, it took me… and my doctor… quite a while to understand how the fuck this happened, OK? ‘Cause there was absolutely no reason why I should get pregnant while being on the pill. I didn’t miss any pill days. I didn’t take any medication that might potentially reduce its effectiveness… No antibiotics, no epilepsy drugs, no antiviral medications… nothing at all…”
“…Then what-”
“Wait! Let me finish. And then you can go if you wanna go. I won’t stop you.” Staring into space for a moment, she scoffed bitterly. “Eventually… we figured out it was probably because of St. John’s Wort.”
My eyebrows sprung up.
“Because of what?”
I was so bewildered at the weirdness of this entire conversation that, for a second, I forgot what was at stake. Plus, my emotions were all jumbled up. I was confused and worried for her – and, quite frankly, myself. I felt conflicted. In complete shock. Slightly exhilarated. And freaking terrified.
“St. John’s Wort. Can you fucking imagine?”
I was clueless.
“No, because I swear I have no idea what you’re talking about…”
“It’s a stupid herbal remedy.” That rapid blinking again, signaling her discomfort. “My Church… They use it to help reduce symptoms of depression… anxiety… that kind of stuff.”
I wanted to ask her if she truly felt that way. Depressed, anxious. And why. But I couldn’t. My mind had become laser-focused on one thing, and one thing only. Because slowly but surely, and despite feeling trapped in some sort of extra-corporeal experience, I was finally starting to realize the magnitude of all this.
“So… You’re telling me that this… herb… caused you to get pregnant?”
Lisa glanced up at me.
“Yeah. And us fucking like bunnies surely helped, too.”
Her sarcastic tone would have made me laugh, hadn’t the situation been so damn… tragically unexpected. And complicated.
“But yeah… that kind of herb might have decreased the effect of my pills…” She shook her head, once again staring into space. “Either that, or you have some superhuman power I wasn’t aware of…”
The following moments were, essentially, a blur for me. And possibly, for Lisa too. But what I did know was that I didn’t feel any anger toward her. Nor did I feel the need to run as far away from her as possible. Maybe it was because I was pretty sure she hadn’t done it on purpose, that she never had any intention to become pregnant to begin with, let alone fuck me over. Of course, I barely knew her, but something in my soul told me that she wasn’t that type of girl. No, Lisa was a straight shooter. No way in hell she would have done something as insidious as trapping me with a baby neither one of us, so clearly, had been looking for.
In the blink of an eyelid, I had just realized that my life was about to change. And still, it would still be nothing compared to the sudden sharp turn Lisa’s life had already taken, with or without me in the picture. It simply could not compare. Images and memories of my brothers’ partners, wives, lovers flashed before my eyes in a blur. Even my father’s. Their confusion, disappointment, fear, realizing that they carried their babies. And, in complete contrast, my brothers’ – and Joe’s – mostly careless, dismissive reactions.
Well… I wasn’t wired that way. Never had been.
“How has it been so far?”
I almost marveled at how calm my voice sounded all of a sudden.
Lisa looked up suddenly, suspicion in her eyes.
“What?”
“Have you been feeling sick? Nauseous? Who’s been helping you out with this? Who knows about this baby?”
She studied me again. I could tell she didn’t trust me. What had the world done to this girl? So young, so jaded. Who had scarred her that way?
“No… weirdly enough, I’m OK. I found out because I was late on my period. That was pretty much it. I took a test just because… hell, for no reason at all. I swear I didn’t think… I…” Her voice trailed off, the weight of her admission heavy in the air between us.
“And you really have been handling this all on your own?”
“Yeah. I haven’t told anyone yet. Apart from Alfie, I mean. I… didn’t know how.”
She shook her head again and leaned forward, hiding her face in her hands.
Swallowing, I decided to simply do what my instinct told me to do. I reached out tentatively and rested my hand on her back, rubbing it gently. At first, Lisa almost jumped out of her skin, but then seemed to relax. Her face remained hidden behind a curtain of hair.
I couldn’t really discern the feelings storming inside of me. They were too many, and too complicated to translate into words, into clear reactions or actions. The truth was that, just like Lisa, I didn’t know what to do. I was probably in shock, and it was utterly bizarre how calm I felt all of a sudden. Maybe seeing her life that, so confused and lost, had reeled me back to reality, and forced me to realize that she was the one carrying this baby – not me. Even though her baby was also mine. Even though I should have been more careful, and never refused to use a condom.
A baby…
“Come here…”
My arm went around her shoulders and I pulled her close to me. I felt her resistance, her body stiffening – resisting the comfort I offered as if she wanted to keep me at arm’s length. And then I felt her surrender.
When she finally allowed me to hold her, when I felt her body relax against mine, warm and soft, the first thing I noticed was how familiar she smelled. How good she smelled, and how I had missed the scent of her skin.
I relaxed on the couch and took her with me, and we stayed like that for long, interminable minutes. Not saying a word. Just attempting to go through the storm together. Not knowing where the boat we shared would end up – if gently sailing to the harbor or crashing against the rocks hidden underwater.
And the only thing I could think about was how relieved I felt, to have finally found her, talked to her.
Because I didn’t want to be lied to. And the truth, as shocking as it was, hurt much less than not knowing at all.
Lisa
The last thing I expected was for Michael to react the way he did. Yes, he was shocked, of course – how could he be not? But still, he hasn’t flipped out and instead had remained calm, open, honest. Mostly, and most surprisingly for me, he had stayed.
And that couldn’t even compare to my surprise when he had taken me in his arms.
As Michael’s arm wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me close, a wave of conflicting emotions washed over me. Part of me told me to be careful – reminding me that he would bolt as soon as the occasion arose. Because of that, that part of me longed to push him away, to retreat into the safety of my own solitude, where I could grapple with the reality of my situation alone. But another part, a small but insistent voice, whispered that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to face this alone.
Yet, the truth was that I wished I could have. Because it would have meant that I didn’t need his comfort or his presence. I didn’t need his understanding and support. It would have meant that the image I painted of myself actually reflected the real me: tough, confident, independent. And maybe at least part of me would be that way, someday.
But not today.
Today, Michael’s physical and emotional closeness was still very much welcome.
I closed my eyes as he held me, his scent familiar. His touch comforting. It took him a while to speak again.
“Can I see it?” His voice broke through the silence, gentle yet insistent. “The pregnancy test, I mean.”
Clenching my jaw, I refused to leave the safety of his chest.
“Why? You want proof?”
“No… It’s just because… I’ve never actually seen one.” A pause. His arms were still around me. “Believe it or not, this is all new for me too… Nothing like that has ever happened to me before.”
I blinked, taken aback by his request. It wasn’t what I had expected, not after dropping such a bombshell on him. But there was no anger in his tone, no suspicion lurking beneath the surface. Just genuine curiosity, tinged with a hint of disbelief.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” I stammered, reaching for the little wooden box on the coffee table, where the test had lied, hidden, for days, for no reason at all. I retrieved it and handed it to him, feeling oddly exposed as he inspected it. “Here you go. This is just one of the three tests I took… But you get the gist.”
Michael’s brow furrowed slightly as he examined the small plastic stick, his fingers tracing the lines and symbols with a mix of fascination and confusion.
“So… this is it, huh? The thing that turned our worlds upside down.”
I nodded, swallowing. “Yeah, that’s it.”
Silence stretched between us, punctuated only by the soft rustle of leaves outside the window. I watched as his expression shifted, his features contorting with a myriad of unspoken thoughts and feelings. I wished, with all my heart, I could understand what was going through his mind. But the truth was that I could not.
“I wish you would have told me sooner,” he eventually murmured, his voice tinged with emotions I couldn’t fully decipher. “I understand why you didn’t, but… I wish you would have.”
“Yeah, well… It’s been… overwhelming. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it for weeks, but… It’s a lot to digest.”
Michael took a deep breath, held it, then let it go. He placed the test back on the coffee table and he did so with the utmost attention, as if it were a grenade ready to explode.
“OK… Look. I may not have all the answers, but I’m here for you. Whatever you decide to do, whatever path you choose to take, I want you to know that I’m here. And I hope… I hope you’ll be open to hearing my thoughts about it at some point.”
“Maybe. But I don’t think I can handle any of this, right now. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, I know.” Finally, he looked up at me. He seemed calmer. “ It’s OK.”
“Cool.”
“I know we both need time to think,” he continued, his voice still gentle but firmer now. “We need to figure out what’s best for… for you, mostly. Maybe for both of us. And for the baby.”
I had no idea what the hell he meant by that, but I was too exhausted to ask.
“Yeah. We do.”
Sighing, Michael leaned back into the couch, as if he felt tired all of a sudden.
He stared into space – his eyes filled with an intensity that made my heart skip a beat. Who was this man?
“Lisa… Can I stay here? Just for tonight. Would that be OK with you?”
His request took me by surprise, and I hesitated, my mind racing. Talk about shock after shock.
“I guess so…”
Michael
Hours later, as a new day illuminated the sky with its beautiful pink hues, I was in the last place I would have expected to be just a few hours earlier. Still in Lisa’s apartment. And in Lisa’s bed.
Facing her as she faced me. We were both lying on our sides, looking at each other quietly, and we had been that way for the entire night. We hadn’t been able to sleep for a second.
And we had talked at times, although only sporadically. Expressing how we felt about the whole situation – but also confessing our deepest desires.
“Remember when you told me you wished I would have told you sooner?”
“Yeah… Of course.”
“Well. I wished I would have told you in a different manner, instead.” Her eyes had remained downcast for a moment. “But I just blurted it out. I’m sorry… I guess I felt cornered.”
“Don’t be sorry. I was the one ambushing you…”
“Yeah…”
“Lisa?”
“Mh?”
“Can I ask you a question?”
She had looked relaxed enough, calm enough for me to test the waters.
“Sure. Go ahead.”
“Have you ever thought about having children?”
Looking up at me again, she had smiled, softly.
“Yeah, of course. I can imagine myself being a mother. It’s so easy for me, actually. But…” Her teeth biting down on her bottom lip. “…Never this early. Don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to wait until I was in my thirties to become pregnant, but also… I never expected it would happen by accident… Like this. I’ve always thought it would be planned… purposeful. A shared intention.”
Silence. Then, her eyes looked up at me cautiously.
“What about you…”
Shrugging, I had taken a deep breath.
“To be honest, I’ve always adored the idea of being a dad. I come from a large family… let alone a very extended one. And I’ve always been around babies… kids. My cousins, nephews, nieces… It never bothered me. In fact, I am pretty good at taking care of them… You know, changing diapers, making baby food and stuff.”
She had giggled, her eyes shiny.
“So you’re a natural, huh?”
I had smiled.
“Well, my mother certainly thinks I am. But… just like you, I have always imagined it would be a planned thing. To start my own family, that is. At the right time… with the right woman. You know, I’m a believer in all that traditional stuff.”
“So you’re not the kind of superstar who sleeps around not giving a damn if some girls get knocked up in the process, huh…”
Her tone was only pretending to be light. I could tell that, deep down, she wondered.
“No, believe it or not… I’m not that kind of guy.”
Which was the truth. All in all, I simply was the nerdy guy who, so far, had acted all cool around her.
More silence – heavy with way too many unsaid words. One of the things that hadn’t been shared was that, for both Lisa and myself, starting a family also meant having a partner we loved deeply. While the reality was that we had met just a handful of times. Yet those few times had been enough to make a mess, apparently.
Now, as the light outside the window signaled the beginning of a new day, we were still quiet. Just staring at each other. And I felt the atmosphere had shifted a bit. It had become lighter. Being like this, just she and I, had become easier – more comfortable, and certainly more similar to what we had experienced in the past during our few, stolen encounters. Whatever struggle had been going on between us earlier that night was gone, and it almost seemed like we had reached a truce. If there had ever been at war to begin with, which I doubted.
Regardless, I loved the feeling of just being there with Lisa like that. To share my personal space with her. I understood the magnitude of the change occurring, but I was sure that, eventually, there had to be a way to deal with it just fine. The fact that we both loved kids, that we both planned to be parents at some point in our lives, certainly helped.
Now, the only thing I needed to know was if Lisa wanted to have this baby. Of course, in the end it would be her choice, but I still hoped that she would decide not to terminate the pregnancy. The thought of the opposite perspective created a knot in my stomach, and I still hadn’t told her. I didn’t want her to feel pressured to go one way or another, but I prayed to God she would consider bringing the child to the world. Everything else we would be able to manage, I was sure of that.
The weird inner peace I was feeling was also misplaced, and I knew that as well, because in a way it was a coping mechanism. As long as I was there, with her – just me and her – in our little secret cocoon, neither she nor I would have to face the outside world. It was like being holed up in a place and time that were just ours. A refuge. Of course, I would have to leave her apartment at some point – and handle this entire situation in the most appropriate manner, which also included talking to my family about it. Well, my mother. Maybe Janet. Everyone else would have to wait for a bit, or possibly for a little longer than that.
The mere idea made my stomach flip, and not in a good way. I swallowed hard.
“Michael…”
My eyes focused on Lisa. It almost looked like she had sensed my discomfort.
“Yes?”
“You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to. Please, don’t think you must do this if you aren’t up to it. I’ll be OK regardless.”
So, she had indeed sensed my discomfort – but also misinterpreted it completely.
“No, that’s not it at all…”
“Then what is it?”
Her brow furrowed and that little crease between her eyebrows appeared. I had seen it before. There were details about her that had already become familiar to me.
And then she did something I wasn’t expecting at all. She reached out and rested the palm of her hand on my cheek. Trying to comfort me, if I ever needed it. In the moment of complete silence that followed, I heard the almost imperceptible sound of my morning stubble scraping against her skin.
“Right now, I wish I could stay here and never leave.”
I had no idea why I had said that, putting myself in such an open, vulnerable position. Maybe those words had just tumbled out because they reflected the truth, and moments like that one didn’t need any lie. Regardless, it was way too late to take my words back… and maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to, anyway.
My hand covered hers, and all I could see where her eyes. Cerulean and clear. We were so very close and, weirdly enough, so very united. On the same page, at least for the time being. If this woman had thought I would avoid her like the plague because she carried my baby, she was sorely mistaken. Being by her side was the bare minimum I expected from myself.
What I certainly didn’t expect or plan was to shift forward and kiss her lightly on the lips. Of course, I had done it before, but certainly not since she had told me about the pregnancy.
I remained so very close. Close enough for her face to become unfocused.
“You don’t have to do this either…”
Her voice was nothing but a whisper. Her hand was still on my cheek.
“I know I don’t… But I wanna…”
And not out of sympathy, but because the pull was still there, untouched. The desire to be close to Lisa physically. A tangled mess of emotions that had no name, but that I recognized very well.
When she moved and kissed me, I closed my eyes and reciprocated that intimate contact right away. I couldn’t tell where this was coming from, if what we were doing was because we needed solace and consolation or to unleash some of the tension we had both been feeling in the most paradoxical way, given the circumstances. I just realized that neither of us wanted to stop.
Lisa and I kissed and kissed, softly at first and then, as the temperature started to rise, with more passion and abandon. Hands busy caressing, discarding clothes, looking for naked skin. Lips, tongues finding flesh. Heavy breathing – panting.
Within minutes, I was shirtless, my jeans unbuttoned, unzipped, and she wore nothing but her underwear. And man, she was so gorgeous.
I rose onto my knees between her open legs, my hands running up and down the silky skin of her thighs. Fascinated, I watched her beautiful breasts rising and falling with each breath – her flat tummy. Almost in an automatic gesture, my hand covered her belly. Nothing to see or feel there… not yet. Her hand, smaller and tanned, covered mine. Her other hand touched me through the fabric of my jeans, making me shiver. Making me even harder. No… if we were about to fuck, it wouldn’t be a pity fuck at all.
We stared at each other for a moment, then she sat up, pulling my head down to her. Kissing me with wild abandon.
This, all this, was so unexpected and sexy. Not for a second I had thought I would be cock-blocked by what she had told me… and if that had been her impression, she was sorely mistaken. The level of desire I was experiencing was almost incomparable to whatever I had felt for her up until that moment, which said a lot.
Moments later, I was on top of her. Inside of her, dying that little death I had been missing so much. We kept looking at each other as we moved that way, slow and excruciating and tender, her moans muffled as she went over the edge over and over again, her fingers tangled in my hair, then pressing into the sweaty skin of my back. As I did my best to make this last a little longer, because I didn’t want it to end.
We rolled over, and she took the reins, almost startling me. She sat up in my lap, swaying over me, making me see stars. Her body was the perfection. I reached out and our fingers intertwined as we kept staring, staring, staring at each other. Nothing but moans and sighs.
Maybe this was just our way to navigate the whole thing together. I couldn’t really tell. There were no promises, no questions, no words of love. Just two people connecting in the most intimate, profound way. Why we were doing that, or whatever that meant, I didn’t know.
I didn’t even care.
That early morning, it truly felt like the very first time Lisa and I made love.