August

August

eighth month, late 11c., from Latin Augustus (mensis), sixth month of the later Roman calendar, renamed from Sextilis (literally “sixth”) in 8 B.C.E. to honor emperor Augustus Caesar, literally “Venerable Caesar” (see august (adj.), and compare Augustus).

Dubai, August 2005

The skyline was beautiful, late in the afternoon, and she thought she would end up being blinded by the intense blue-pink hue peeking in from the curtain of fluffy white clouds. However, she couldn’t stop staring at the sky and she was afraid that, if she did that, her mind would start short-circuiting and she wouldn’t be able to do what she was there to do. At this point in time, she was not even sure it would all end well because after all, when the nuke was in her hands, she had pushed the button. What she also didn’t know was if the mechanism worked or not and every single thing had eventually been torn to pieces, leaving nothing behind.

She didn’t know because she hadn’t talked to the man at all in the past couple of months, after that last phone call when she had been too terrified to give in. And so she had given up instead, and had lied to him, which had been easier since they were not face to face. Because looking at him in the eyes and tell him that she was indifferent to him would have been pretty much impossible. The mere mental image made her stomach flip and she had never been a good liar anyway. Only decent when she was the target of her own bullshit.

However, it had been way easier to push him away, over the phone. What she was not prepared for was his reaction.

Michael had cried and that, to Lisa, had felt way more painful than she had initially allowed herself to accept. On the outside, she still had sounded stern and unaffected, but inside the turmoil barely allowed her to breathe. To sleep. To function.

As a matter of fact, she was still amazed at her endurance. She had been able to fight the urge to run to him when she had found out that he was leaving the country. At least until now. Lisa and Michael needed to be physically distant to stay away from one another and, if relief had initially flooded her, soon it had been replaced by intense agony every time something reminded her of his absence. Of course, she knew where he was, she knew he was getting better, but still… The feeling had assaulted her one morning, while she was driving back home after running some errands. The feeling of Michael gone. The feeling of Michael no longer existing in this world, or in her world – which to her, was sometimes almost the same thing.

She had been forced to pull over and had rested her head against the steering wheel, closing her eyes, feeling close to a panic attack. Wondering why in the world he had made things so difficult. Why he had asked her if she loved him still, likely because he wanted them to be together again. To give it another try. How had it happened?

Lisa had swallowed her own denial, knowing well that she and Michael had talked over the phone several times, during his trial. Usually late at night, when he couldn’t sleep and Lockwood was back at his place and she was finally alone. She and Michael had engaged in long, friendly conversations between two exes. Sometimes they had bickered a bit, but more often than not they had just talked about nothing and everything and, on some occasions, they had just stayed quiet, simply enjoying the moment. That feeling of being close but not really. It was safer that way. He needed her and she wanted to support him in the only way she could afford at the moment, given that they were no longer together.

And then one night Michael was especially devastated and worn out after the long day in court. He was exhausted and hopeless and sounded devoid of any emotion or reaction. For the first time since they had started engaging in their night phone calls, Lisa had felt he didn’t care about her calling him at all. And she hadn’t liked the feeling one bit. It was as if he was slipping away, to a place where she could not reach him.

It had taken all her effort, but eventually she had been able to reel him back and keep him engaged. She had managed to make him giggle and laugh. She had managed to make the convo interesting. She had managed to connect to him. And he, to her.

Slowly drifting from chatting to flirting had been as easy as it had always been in the past. Soon, their words had become hushed, whispered, hotter. At first it had been nothing but playful teasing but then, after a bit, the game had become deadly serious and they had been too far gone to stop or step back, or even pretend they weren’t doing what they were doing. And so they had done everything. Full-blown phone sex.

It had been hot, it had been forbidden, it had been brazen, and it had been vital. And Lisa didn’t regret one word, one moan, one sigh. She could never feel sorry for making love to Michael, not even when things were at their shittiest.

After that night and without any explanation, everything had gone back to normality, to friendly territory. Noncommittal. They had somehow backtracked from the quicksands before sinking into them up to their neck. And then there had been Michael’s request, after his acquittal.

Lisa sometimes liked to think that she had pulled the indifferent card because she had been totally unprepared to face the subject with him, but deep down she knew it wasn’t the truth. And maybe, Michael did too. In that case, why had he cried?

Well… whatever he thought of her, she would soon know, because the taxi stopped right in front of the mansion Michael was staying, courtesy of his friendship with the Sheik.

Finding out where Michael was hadn’t been an easy task, but Lisa wasn’t a lightweight either and she too had connections. And now there she was, facing the gates – which was quite a fitting metaphor giving their current predicament.

It was also time to face the music.

When Karim told him about Lisa being at the gates, Michael almost had to sit down. Then he thought his bodyguard was probably joking, because there was no way on Earth that she had flown all the way over to the Middle East just to talk to him, especially after their last conversation over the phone.

Michael had been unprepared for her answer, and too weak to react as he once would have done. Or maybe that wasn’t even the truth. He had been way more stubborn and proud, once – before his life was cut in half, turning into a “before the trial, after the trial” existence. The previous Michael would have never begged… maybe. Current Michael had only wanted his woman back and had swallowed his pride, before holding out his heart to her. And he had bled out in the process.

For the first time in years, his attempt to get Lisa back hadn’t worked and the whole thing still surprised him somehow. After years and years of asking him to open up with her, to allow himself to be vulnerable with her, once he had done just that she had bailed. He knew he should have gone after her, talk to her face to face, see if she was capable of repeating those words while she stared at him straight in the eyes, but there was no energy left. He was exhausted in so many different ways, and defeated, and helpless.

And so he had left the country, leaving a huge chunk of his heart behind. With her. Always, always with her.

And now she was there. What for? To put an end to his misery once and for all? To spoon what was left of his self-esteem out by reiterating that she had made the right choice, letting him go? Or even worse, to pity him? The last perspective was especially terrifying.

As Karim waited for his answer, Michael chewed the inside of his cheek, the temptation of sending Lisa away, or just pretending he wasn’t there mounting inside of him. But still, it didn’t matter how worn out, exhausted and dissolved into dust he still was, he hadn’t turned into a coward yet. And icing people out, this time, simply would not do.

“Are you sure it’s her?”

“Yes, sir.” Karim fidgeted. “That’s what she said. Her name. And that she’s your ex-wife. Which I knew, by the way.”

Right, his new security detail didn’t know much of his long history with Lisa. Old Bill likely would have let her in without even asking him. God… how he missed his friend, his father figure. He missed too many people, and too many things, and too many feelings. Sometimes he didn’t even know who he was anymore.

“And how… I mean, does she look mad?”

Karim frowned and blushed slightly. He was a huge guy, very intimidating, but also so shy. Shyer than Michael.

“Ah… I don’t think so, boss. She looks like she really wants to see you. A bit flustered, maybe. And tired… Because of the flight, I guess.” He closed his mouth, likely thinking he had spoken too much. Michael smiled.

“Thank you, Karim. Please, let her in. I’ll meet her here, in the living room.” He glanced out at the pool, where the kids were still playing with their nannies. Cool. He needed to be alone with Lisa if they really had to do this… whatever it was.

Taking a deep breath, Michael waited for Karim to leave and then sat down on the couch, on the armrest, rubbing his face with both hands. Of course. As usual, he and Lisa had perfect timing.

Not.

Well… He would deal with that later. For now, he had to get a grip and do his best not to show Lisa how broken he was, after everything that had happened. It didn’t matter how much he tried to downplay it in public, it didn’t matter how much he smiled and pretended everything was just peachy, Michael knew he had changed permanently, and likely she would soon realize it too. After all, she was the woman who knew him best. The woman who had been with him the longest and the most. The woman that had seen him naked, in every possible way.

But Lisa was not the woman Michael had recently started to date.

He blinked, realizing that hanging out with someone else, now that his ex-wife was making her appearance again, like a mirage in the desert, made him feel guilty. Then he got mad at himself. What was he feeling guilty for? Wasn’t Lisa engaged to that blond fool he had seen on the magazines? Michael had all the right to talk, see, and even fuck whoever he wanted. Just like she did.

The knock on the door about caused him to jump out of his skin. He cleared his throat and undid the first button of his shirt, then loosened his tie just a tad bit.

“Come in.”

The door opened slowly and there she was, pale, small and forlorn, but still so beautiful. Right behind Lisa’s shoulders, Karim looked as huge as a mountain.

It was all a blur. And it was also darkness, thick and sticky, seemingly enveloping her like a glove. Space and time felt suspended, even nonexistent. She didn’t know where she was, if anyone was there with her at all, and what she was supposed to do with the intense feeling of loneliness she felt. Opening her eyes was a struggle. Her eyelids felt heavy, as if she could not control them.

And then he touched her. He covered her hand with his own and the feeling of familiarity was blinding in its intensity. His warm skin against her own. It hadn’t happened in years and yet Lisa’s cellular memory kicked in as she recognized the kindred spirit that Michael had always been to her.

She opened her eyes and found him and, as she blinked, she finally was able to orient herself. More or less.

“What the fuck happened?”

Her voice was hoarse.

Sitting on the edge of the bed she was lying on, Michael smirked and squinted his eyes, as if taken aback by her choice of words.

“Will you ever stop cursing?”

“I doubt it…”

Lisa rubbed her forehead and propped up on her elbows, as everything finally came back to her.

Oh, she and Michael had spoken a bit. About nothing important, like two boxers circling around the ring, trying to figure out what the other would do as they reacquainted themselves with each other’s presence. And then at one point, as she sat on the plush armchair in Michael’s very elegant living room, his cell phone had started ringing. At first Michael had ignored it, but the damn thing kept going off.

Lisa had been annoyed. She was also worried someone from her “people” had tracked her down and was trying to get in touch with her, since she had only given the number of her local phone to her closest family members.

“You should probably take it.”

Michael had looked a bit insecure, then he had sighed.

“Yeah… probably.”

Getting up, he had walked over to the huge French doors facing the poolside, as if engrossed watching his kids play. But that was not what he was focused on, the moment he brought the phone to his ear. It was the conversation, which sounded confidential, intimate and hushed. Lisa’s stomach had sunk.

The phone call had gone on and on for interminable minutes, and at one point, Lisa had simply thought that flying all the way over there had been pointless and stupid. It was apparent that Michael was speaking to a woman. Likely his new girlfriend. She recognized the tone he used with women. She had heard it before. She had been at the receiving end of that tone, once, in another lifetime.

She had felt the acidic taste of a never eradicated jealousy reach her throat and had gotten up, grabbing her purse. She had also tried to be as quiet as she could, but naturally Michael had heard her and he had spun on a dime, holding up his hand to her. His lips still moving, talking, but his eyes pleading her to wait. Dark, undiscovered abysses asking her to not leave yet.

Forcing herself to get rid of the stupidity that sometimes permeated her knee-jerk reactions, Lisa had sat back down as her temples started pulsing. She had allowed herself one moment to just stare at him, noticing that he finally looked as if he had regained a bit of weight, and that he was as gorgeous and charming as she remembered, albeit a bit older and more worn out compared to the last time she had seen him, a couple of years earlier. Then even looking at him had become too much to endure, especially since mental images of Michael making love to another woman had started to poison her sight. Lisa wondered if the lady on the phone knew all about him, intimately. The way he sounded when he was close to his climax. The way his lips parted when he lost control. The way his body writhed in pleasure.

It was too much.

She had closed her eyes, just for a minute, just for a moment, just to regroup. And then, nothing but perfect darkness.

“Did I fall asleep?”

“Like a baby.”

The grin was still there and she could only smirk back at him, shaking her head. Once again, she felt silly and inadequate. She had fallen asleep while the man she had come to talk to was engrossed in a conversation that maybe he wouldn’t have even had, had Lisa simply stayed in Los Angeles, minding her own business.

“That’s embarrassing…” She tilted her head at him as he handed her a glass of juice. He was sweet. He was… lovable. Very, very lovable. Lisa swallowed, but it felt like broken glass and she took a sip. “Did I sleepwalk to the bed?”

“No, I asked one of my guys to carry you here… in your room.”

“Are you for real?” She felt her cheeks go up in flames. This was more than embarrassing! Michael’s security detail must have thought that she was some kind of loon.

He chuckled, genuinely amused.

“No. I carried you.”

In his arms? Oh.

“Oh.”

“Yeah…” His gaze dropped on his own hand, resting over his thigh, immobile. “You feel better now? You seemed very tired.”

As he kept his eyes lowered, she once again observed him. He had removed the jacket he had on when she had arrived, and now wore a pinstriped shirt and a black tie. Loosened around his neck. Black pants. Black shoes. He looked magnificent. He was a king and Lisa realized that she would never be able not to love him. Or to lie to him again. She had fallen for him once and she kept falling. It would always be that way. She had successfully managed to trap herself into the wolf’s den, which was exactly where she wanted to be. She wished she could remember the feeling of him carrying her in his arms, his body lean and yet stronger than anyone could imagine. The scent of his skin, of his aftershave. The feeling of his hair, his stubble. The heat emanating from his skin, even through the clothes. She wished she could remember, but she didn’t remember anything. She truly had been out like a light.

Maybe it was for the best, even though she was already losing the battle against herself. The trip was supposed to be the ultimate illumination. The trip was supposed to be about the truth and nothing but the truth. It was scary, but not as terrifying as the idea of not seeing him, touching him, holding him ever again. Him leaving the country had shocked her back to her senses, and the only thing she needed to do now was to make him aware of that.

“Yeah. I was exhausted.” She drank some more juice. “Thank you… You know, for this.”

She gestured, vaguely, around the room. She was in a bedroom she had never seen before, and the curtains were open. Outside, the night had fallen. Glancing at the alarm clock on the nightstand, she noticed it was a little past eleven.

“You’re welcome. The kids are… ah, they’re asleep and I thought we could talk. Assuming that you’re here to talk.” He still wasn’t looking at her.

Lisa placed the empty glass on the nightstand.

“Yeah. I came here to tell you that…” Deep breath. Then, she jumped from the highest trampoline. “Well… That I was wrong.”

Studying him carefully, she noticed a muscle twitch on his face. The rest of his body stayed perfectly still.

“…When we last talked, over the phone.”

Michael nodded his head, ever so slightly. He looked as if he didn’t know what to do with her, or her words. He certainly wasn’t expecting to see her anytime soon. Or ever again.

“And that…” Another deep breath. It had all sounded way easier when she had rehearsed her little speech on the airplane, over and over again. “And that it was a cop-out for me to say what I said over the phone because I couldn’t… Because you weren’t standing right in front of me.”

“And why did you say it?”

“I don’t know. I am not sure. I was upset. Too overwhelmed and unprepared. It was a fucking cold shower, Michael. Besides, you too were upset. I thought it was just the shock talking.”

“The shock…” He seemed to ponder over the word. “…Not me?”

His eyebrow rose, imperceptibly. His voice was still very low, very even. Unreadable.

“No, not you. Not really.”

“I see…”

Silence followed, and he did absolutely nothing. Not the reaction she had expected.

Lisa bit her lips.

“Are you seeing someone?”

“Yeah…”

Wow. He had replied right away. No hesitation. And yet she felt it – that hint of guilt, the slight shame in his voice. She also felt jealousy, again. It was her own.

“Were you talking to her over the phone, earlier?”

This time he just nodded his head, his eyes still downcast.

Lisa mustered what was left of her courage. Which wasn’t much, all things considered.

“Do you like her?”

She saw him frowning, very lightly. Then he spoke.

“Yeah, I do. Very much.”

“But… is it serious?”

“Not for now, but… It could be. And maybe I want it to.”

Lisa closed her eyes as the feeling of her heart, shattering in her chest, nullified everything else. It was too much and it was too late. And in a way, it was what she deserved. If she had felt small and inadequate earlier, now she felt like a complete, utter moron. Out of place. Insignificant. Useless. Oh, how she remembered that feeling. How many times she had felt it, before meeting him. Then he had arrived and had changed her life forever. And whatever would happen from now on, her existence would never be the same again.

She sat up straight and inhaled a deep breath.

“…’kay. Well… I’m happy for you. Believe me, Michael, I really am.” It was the truth. And yet she wanted to cry. Sternly, she stood up from the bed. “Can you please tell me where I left my purse?”

Finally, he looked up.

“Why?”

They stared at each other.

“Why? Well… Because I’m leaving.”

His eyes narrowed and took that colder hue that she knew so well.

“You’re leaving? Then what did you come here for?”

“That’s a good question.” She snorted and shook her head, raking her hand through her hair. “To look like an idiot, I guess. And to talk. But there’s nothing to talk about, really.”

“Because I’m not giving you the answer you expected?”

“I wasn’t expecting anything.”

Well, that wasn’t exactly the truth.

“No? Then let me ask you again: why are you here, Lisa?”

“I don’t know, but it was a mistake. I just keep fucking up.”

Michael winced, and she saw rage simmer under the polished surface.

“Sure looks like it.”

“What?”

“I said…” This time he held her gaze and rose from the bed. “It sure looks like it.”

As usual, the intensity of their feelings, or whatever was left of them, was contagious. Fire and gasoline. Water and wind. Lisa felt irritation arise from the ashes of her shattered heart.

“Why didn’t you speak to me in person, huh? Why did you drop that fucking bomb on me over a damn phone?”

He cocked his head to a side.

“Arrogant much? And a coward. Since you’re the one who can’t stand facing me, and now you’re leaving.”

“I’m not a coward.”

“Yes, you are. Either a coward or you’re really indifferent. So which one is it, Lisa, mh? Tell me. Because just a minute ago you were talking about being wrong during our last conversation. Which, in my book, translates into being a coward.”

She straightened her back, feeling cornered all of a sudden. His intentions were still somehow unintelligible to her, but it also looked like Michael wasn’t entirely sure she had been honest. Yeah… she hadn’t been at all. However, old mechanisms kicked in before she could decide to be a little more mature than usual.

“I don’t give a shit about your book. And I don’t owe you an answer. I’m outta here.”

She moved a couple of steps toward the door, hoping she could find the living room she had fallen asleep in, but before she could reach for the door handle, he had grabbed her by the arm and forced her to turn around, hence colliding with his chest. The touch felt electrifying. His free hand closed on her other arm and he held her close to him, their foreheads almost touching as his eyes bore into hers.

“No, you ain’t leaving. I gave you a pass once with that shit. Not again. Not anymore.”

Lisa swallowed and managed to keep her voice very calm when she spoke.

“You gotta let me go. Take your hands off me.”

“You wanna know what I think?”

“I don’t give a fuck about what you think.”

I’ll die if you don’t tell me. I’ll die if you let me go now.

“I think you lied to me because you were afraid we would fuck up again. I think you threw that word at me, indifferent, because all of a sudden you didn’t know how to handle what I had to give you. After years of bitching and stomping your feet, accusing me not to be committed enough, serious enough, reliable enough, all of a sudden you were the one running scared. Why? Because you’ve always been afraid just like I was. Only, I’m honest enough to admit it.”

Lisa set her jaw, her eyes tethered to his, unable to let go. Instinctively she reached up and grabbed his arms, fearing her legs would give in. What was he saying?

“And sorry if I didn’t run after you but maybe, just maybe, I thought you would be the one showing up at my door asking me if I meant what I said. That I wanted us to be together. That I wanted us to try again.”

“What the fuck are you talking about. You know very well how many times I gave in. How many times I came back to you.”

“Yeah, I know that. I know I took you for granted in the past, I see that now. I messed up, I told you. And still… I hoped you would give me another chance. But not this time, right? When I was at my lowest low, you didn’t think it was worth a try.”

“You were shell-shocked. You needed to regroup. That was not the time to talk about us.”

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Does it make you feel better, Lisa Marie? Do you feel justified, if you think I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about?”

Well… He wasn’t wrong. No, scratch that. He was right. She had been scared shitless of not being able to pull through. Of him changing his mind again once the shock subsided. Of not being enough for him all of a sudden and hurting him even more by disappointing him. Of them making a mess of their love, for the umpteenth time. It was agonizing to know that whatever they felt for one another could not die, no matter how many times they fucked up.

Michael’s eyes dropped on her mouth for a moment, then flew up and bore into hers again.

“You know you do. Only, it ain’t working. Not anymore. That’s why you’re here. And now you’re hurt and jealous because I’m seeing another woman. While I have to tolerate the fact that you’re with another man, knowing that he-”

“I left him.”

For the first time, surprise registered on his face. However, Michael recovered quickly.

“And I left the country and my old life behind. I asked you, I begged you to come with me-”

“Just like I did years ago. And you chose your yes men instead of me.”

Michael’s eyes narrowed. Bullseye. She had hit the target. She had struck a nerve.

“And I paid for that. In abundance.”

His voice cracked, almost imperceptibly, and the desperation he kept barely concealed behind his strong veneer threatened to drown her. No, this was so wrong. She needed to help him. Or maybe she needed to let him go once and for all. Hoping the woman he was seeing now could do better. That she could be right for him.

“Yes… yes, you did, Michael. And I’m so sorry about that. It should never have happened.”

“But it did. And I survived. And when I called you…” It seemed to her his grip on her arms was loosening a bit. “When I called you I hoped I would stop surviving and start living again. But then you slammed the door right on my face.”

“I gave you a fucking out, Michael! Don’t you see that? I gave us both the chance to finally break free from that damn circle of hell we had been trapped in for years!”

He winched, then shoved her back lightly.

“If that’s what you tell yourself to sleep at night, go for it. But I ain’t gonna listen to any more bullshit. I spent months sitting in a courtroom, watching people lie about me. No more. I ain’t gonna tolerate this crap anymore. Especially from you.”

Without his physical contact, she felt lost. Her arms fell down by her sides.

“Are you kicking me out?”

“You said you wanted to leave. I’m not stopping you anymore. Do what you want. But if you go, don’t come back.”

Shrugging his shoulders lightly, he walked over to the small bar corner and poured himself a whiskey. Lisa felt frozen in place, paralyzed. He had never acted like that with her, ever. Not even in their shittiest moments. But that was all her doing, after all. Maybe she had finally been able to kill whatever was left of his love for her. Maybe this was cosmic retribution.

“I don’t recognize you anymore.”

Michael snorted and took a sip of whiskey.

“Yeah? Welcome to the club.”

Then he extracted something from the back pocket of his pants.

“Anyway… Before you go, I want you to have this.” A piece of paper, carefully folded. He held it between his index and middle finger, then tossed it on the bed nearby. “I wanted you to have it. But you never showed up before I left the ranch… and I don’t even know why I didn’t throw it away. You can do it, though. Maybe I don’t even care anymore.”

Carefully, and realizing that she was shaking as if she had been immersed in ice for too long, Lisa walked over to the bed and took the small piece of paper. Unfolding it, she recognized Michael’s handwriting. It was a note, not a long one, but poignant nonetheless.

“Lisa,

Maybe this letter will end up in the fireplace, because I’m planning to give it to you in person and I don’t think you’ll come visiting me anytime soon. But I don’t have the energy to go looking for you now. I’m afraid you would stare at me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel anything for me anymore, just like you did over the phone.

Right now, I would not be able to survive it. And I need to survive for my kids.

I get why you said what you said, I do. You too are scared. We both are afraid of different things. You, of me fucking up again. Me, of having to live without you.

I wish I could promise you I will be the best partner and husband in the world, but I can’t because right now I can barely recognize myself. However, what I do know is that I would try like never before, if only you let me. And that it would be so much easier to find myself again if you were by my side.

Whatever happens, just know that I do love you. I have loved you all along. I have never stopped and probably I never will.

I realize now, I should have told you every single day.

Michael.”

The sob erupted even before she could do anything to stop it and Michael looked startled. Turning slowly, he stared at her intently. And Lisa, well, Lisa could barely see him, half-hidden as he was behind a layer of tears that wouldn’t stop filling her eyes.

Her hands shaking, she put the letter back on the bed and then, still blinded by the tears, she let go of all defenses and flew straight into his arms.

Michael stiffened and, at first, he stayed perfectly still. However, when Lisa buried her face against his chest, her arms around his neck, holding onto him as if he was the last pillar of sanity left in a world gone completely crazy, he started to relax. She felt his breathing quicken and then his arms came up and he pulled her against his body, gently, cautiously.

Yeah… he was still scared. Terrified.

She was too.

Blinking the tears away, she brought herself to finally look up at him and her hands came to frame his face. She could see the doubt in his eyes.

“You’re right, you know?” Her voice sounded hoarse. “I am a coward. Or at least I was. I’m trying very hard not to be, now.”

She saw him swallow hard, unsure of what to do. Lisa took a deep breath.

“Would you ask me again, Michael? Now that I’m here? That we’re face to face. That I’ve come after you…”

“Like you should have done two months ago.”

Stubborn man. Lisa let out a sad little grin.

“Like I should have done two months ago.”

He set his jaw and still didn’t speak.

“If… you know…” She stroked his cheek and felt his night stubble breaking through. “…If you still wanna know the answer. Unless, well… unless…”

God, she couldn’t even find the words that were so clear in her mind.

Unless it’s too late. Unless you don’t care anymore.

“Do you still love me?”

Relief flooded her senses and she inhaled, deeply.

“More than I will ever be able to comprehend…”

Michael’s eyes narrowed and he looked mildly surprised. It was at that very moment that Lisa knew that he hadn’t entirely bought the indifferent card but that, at the same time, his ego had been too bruised to see through her bullshit clearly. She felt immensely connected to him once again, and he became like an open book to her, just like it had happened when they were strong together. In that other lifetime. And Lisa prayed, desperately, that there was some hope left even now that everything seemed lost.

“…And more than I was able to admit, even to myself. What I feel for you has always scared me to death. I thought my only chance to survive was to step away and let you go. But I can’t do that. I don’t want to. And if there’s even a bit of love left for me, in you, then please… Please, Michael…”

He broke his complete immobility in one fluid movement and his hands cupped her face. And then he kissed her. His tongue slid into her mouth and she welcomed him home with a moan, her body shivering and going up in flames at the same time. They kissed like that for what felt like forever, until they were both breathless, and then Michael pulled back and stared at her. His eyes – they had never looked so dark. Their intensity started her.

Lisa rested her hand on the side of his neck.

Fuck pride. And fuck self-preservation. Her sanity was right there, in front of her.

“Please, don’t ever let me go again. I’d die if you do it. I’m so sorry. You still want me to leave?”

He bit his lip.

“Take off your clothes.”

Lisa closed her eyes for a moment and enjoyed the feeling of Michael’s naked chest against her back. Skin on skin. She felt him breathing and knew he hadn’t fallen asleep yet. However, the weight of his arm across her waist told her that he was exhausted. She had worked him over good.

She smiled, realizing that she, too, felt as if a bulldozer had hit her over and over again.

After Michael’s brazen request, as surprised as she was, for a moment she had been almost unable to orient herself. Time and space became unfocused concepts and everything she saw and felt was him. Despite ordering her to take her clothes off, he had been the one about ripping her shirt off, and she had done the same to him.

Within minutes they were both naked and he had pushed her on the bed. That domineering attitude told her that he was angry, frustrated, but it also made her feel safe. She hadn’t seen that side of him in a while, and she was not afraid of it. She never had been. When it came to sex, Michael always knew how to hurt her just in the right way and, if right now he felt he had to own her, mark her his, or even punish her for running away from him, Lisa was more than fine with it. He welcomed that kind of retaliation.

Well… Michael had done just that. For hours he had taken her with a passion that had left her breathless and boneless. At one point she had been sure she would simply not be able to survive another orgasm. And yet she had, before he made her climax again and again. Michael seemed intent on claiming her and erasing whatever previous memory she might have of other men or his absence altogether. He looked as if he was trying to make up for the couple of years they had spent apart since the last time they had made love. It had worked perfectly and, right now, Lisa’s body tingled with his presence, his aura, his intensity.

There hadn’t been an inch of her body he had not explored with his hands, his mouth, his cock. And even beneath that alpha streak, Lisa had still felt the gentleness and love that always permeated their relationship. Their physical connection was second only to their intense emotional attachment. Even when Michael had pushed her down, onto her knees, holding himself out to her mouth, telling her exactly what he wanted her to do. Even when he had turned her around and bent her over on the bed, and taken her furiously from behind. Even when he had wrapped her hair around his hand as he drove into her over and over again, with a passion that had taken her breath away. Even when he hadn’t allowed her a minute of pause, despite her being limp on the mattress.

At that point she had looked up at him, standing by the bed, naked and glorious. His translucent skin glistening with sweat, his hair damp on his forehead and nape, his chest rising and falling rapidly. He was so gorgeous, from head to toe, and she had missed him like a fish would miss the water.

“I think I need a break…” She had panted.

He had grinned at her like the cocky, seductive bastard he could be.

“Well, I don’t… Open your legs.”

Lisa had laughed, huskily. And then, of course, she had complied. A minute later, she was clutching his head and crying out as he devoured her.

Now, finally spent, Lisa opened her eyes again and noticed that it was about two in the morning. Which meant that…

She turned, finding herself face to face with him. Michael’s eyes were only half-open, but he looked very much awake. And, for the first time in a very long time, there was a serenity about him that she found familiar and new at the same time. As if some light had managed to break through the darkness.

“I love you.”

He just said the words without any warning, any hesitation, and in a way that was more than defenseless. The vulnerability in his voice was also the epitome of absolute strength. It killed and restored her.

“I love you too, Mike… I swear, I do.”

“I know. No more lies about that, ‘kay?”

She scooted closer, loving the gentleness in his voice. The dominant male had gone back to sleep and he now seemed more than willing to just relax and cuddle. Just amazing. Just like it once had been and it was bound to be.

“I promise.”

She found his lips and they kissed, very slowly, thoroughly.

“By the way… Happy birthday, baby.”

“Thanks… Looks like you came back to me right on time…”

“I know… Surprise.”

“Shut up… Kiss me some more.”

And so she did.

Michael opened his eyes and rolled over, coming to rest onto his stomach, his face sinking into the soft pillow. He knew it was late in the morning, but he was not at all in the mood to get up, yet. He had become a bit lazy, lately, but it was OK – he knew his life had changed that way and, now, he welcomed the novelty of it all.

He smiled to himself. It wasn’t really a novelty anymore, but it sure still felt like it.

The bedroom door was closed and the room was quiet. Reaching out blindly to the other side of the bed, he found it empty.

He frowned and turned his head, yawning.

Lisa wasn’t there and the sheets were cold, which meant that she had gotten up while he was still very much asleep. Well… that wasn’t surprising, given that they had been up until dawn making love and drinking, and then making love again. Just like when they were younger, just like in the good old times.

It had been their way to celebrate Michael’s birthday and he had loved every minute of it.

Finally sitting up on the bed, he noticed Lisa’s note. It had slipped between her pillow and his and he had almost missed it.

Scratching his naked chest and yawning again, he frowned and unfolded the note.

It wasn’t a long letter. Just a few words. But poignant, nonetheless.

“My love,

Happy birthday!

I’m writing this as you’re still asleep and I am loving every minute of it. I could spend hours watching you snore.”

Michael snorted. He didn’t snore at all! She was such a liar! Then he smiled and kept reading.

“Anyway, I’ll give you a pass because you’re a grandpa, it doesn’t matter that you don’t look one day older than fifty. You still turn sixty-one today! But I’m going to tell you a secret: I certainly didn’t feel the difference last night… Damn, my husband is a such a stud!”

And his wife was a nut. His smile got broader.

“I’ll be waiting for you downstairs, in the kitchen. Please pretend that you don’t know about the present the kids got for you, OK? They don’t need to know how nosy you are.

I love you with all my heart.

Lisa”

Shaking his head and chuckling to himself, Michael got up, grabbed a pair of sweater pants and a t-shirt from the closet and got ready for his birthday celebrations.

End.