Mister Nobody – Part 14 | Sometimes I slide away, silently

After their furious lovemaking, two nights earlier, something had broken free inside Michael, and he had started to look more and more like himself. Lighter. It was like a cloud had finally dissolved, showing the blue sky that had been in hiding until that very moment. Of course, the sky was immense, and indeed there would be other clouds approaching very soon but, at least for the time being, it was OK. One step at a time. Meanwhile, there were the kids to deal with. And Janet, who Lisa hadn’t seen in at least a couple of years.

Lisa waited in the hall and braced herself when she heard the steps and the voices approaching. She breathed in a large gulp of air and smiled the exact moment the front door opened and the entire family stepped inside. For a second, she wondered if being there and not already in Memphis had been the best decision.

Then she wondered how she was supposed to act around Michael’s children. She realized that she and Michael hadn’t spoken at all about that: were she and Michael supposed to show that they were back together? Were they going to act like two old friends? She hadn’t seen Michael’s kids – well, at least Prince and Blanket – in three years, the last time being at Hayvenurst, while visiting Katherine. Of course, at that time Lisa had no idea what had really happened to Michael, and on that occasion the kids had been kind to her. But what about now? So many things could change in three years. Hell, things could make a complete U-turn in just a couple of months!

Lisa swallowed the rising panic and kept up her perfect host face. This was not about her. This was about the man she loved and he had to be her priority. Their lives, scattered until their reunion, had the chance to recompose into something new, something different, and every step had to be moved carefully.

Michael entered the villa still clinging to Paris, smiling and murmuring something to her under his breath, while Prince and Blanket chatted happily in the back, with Janet. Seeing her old friend, Janet immediately squealed and let go of her bag, running straight into Lisa’s arms and squeezing her hard. Lisa’s smile widened and she closed her eyes, comforted by the warm welcome of her former sister-in-law.

Janet pulled back and kept Lisa at arm’s length. When Lisa looked at her, her dark eyes – so uncannily similar to Michael’s – were shimmering with tears.

“You can’t ever know how glad I am to see you here.”

Janet pulled Lisa into another tight hug. Lisa rubbed Janet’s back, unable to gather the words, too overwhelmed by the presence of what she once considered part of her family, of those kids who she had seen as babies so many times and that, suddenly, had become teenagers or, in Prince’s case, young adults.

“How’s baby Eissa?” Lisa pulled back and noticed how good Janet looked after giving birth to her son only five weeks earlier. “Michael showed me a couple of pictures. He’s beautiful.”

For a second she felt a pang of regret. If only she could give Michael the same thing. A baby. Their baby. But that, sadly, could no longer be a part of their future together. That ship had sailed a long time ago, and there was absolutely nothing they could do about it.

Janet smiled another one of those white smiles of hers.

“Oh, he’s great. He’s fantastic and yes, beautiful. He’s with his dad and my mom, my little cutie pie… I really didn’t want to leave him but, since he’s way too little to travel and given the special occasion…” She threw Michael a quick look. He was still deep in conversation with his daughter. Janet raised her eyebrows. “I haven’t seen Mike in ages, so I really couldn’t miss this vacation. Plus, it’s only for a few days anyway.”

“I’m so happy to see you, Janet,” Lisa studied her face. “I think we need to catch up.”

“Yeah, we totally do…” Janet gave her an understanding look and nodded her head. “And then you gotta tell me how you deal with my brother’s Santa look. I don’t know what I think about it. I still have issues getting used to it.”

Lisa laughed heartily, then smiled over at Prince, who had stepped closer.

He grinned and stretched out his hand. He was calm and confident, exuding a maturity that went way beyond his age. Lisa wasn’t surprised. Prince had always been that way. Even as a little baby, his eyes had always shown something ancient and wise, an utter and profound serenity that was hard to miss.

“Miss Lisa…”

He tilted his head and shook her hand, a look of gratitude in his eyes. Lisa couldn’t help but smile, remembering how many times she had held him in her arms when he was just a baby, changed his diapers, as he babbled at her and tugged her hair. And now he was a handsome young man, well-adjusted and collected.

“Hi, Prince… and it’s Lisa, for you… You know that.”

She quietly hugged him and Prince let out a sigh, holding her and rocking her slowly into his arms.

“Thank you so much for this… for giving us the chance to see him”, he whispered softly, his chin resting on her shoulder.

Still holding on to him, she noticed that Michael was looking at them with a remote, soulful look in his eyes. And she immediately knew what he was thinking. It was as if she had a direct line to his thoughts. At least most of the time.

“You’re so very welcome.” Lisa pulled back and reached over to Blanket, squeezing his shoulder and smiling at his bashful stance. “Hi, Bigi.”

The youngest Jackson just smiled and blushed.

Finally, Lisa turned to Paris. She was still clinging to her father, her arm around his waist in a possessive stance. Paris didn’t move, and she just looked at her with her inscrutable blue eyes. For a second, Lisa wondered if she was studying her, mocking her or just weighing her up.

“Hi, Paris.” Lisa smiled gently.

“Hey.”

Paris didn’t motion to get any closer. Michael frowned and turned to stare at his daughter.

“Paris…?”

His voice was low, revealing both disbelief and warning. She simply shrugged in a nonchalant manner and kissed him soundly on the cheek.

“Sorry. I gotta go pee… Where’s the bathroom, by the way?” She glanced around, then laughed forcefully and patted Michael’s stomach. “Wow, dad… What happened to you? You are getting kinda porky!”

Michael straightened his stance and blushed, and Lisa immediately detected his embarrassment. It took her a lot of commitment to keep her faltering smile in place.

Maybe Michael hadn’t been all wrong when he had told her that his current relationship with Paris was a bit more complicated than the one he had with his sons. Lisa could understand why. Not only Paris was still very young, but her sensitive personality was probably still quite shaken by the inevitable mess that June 2009 had created.

Lisa could only imagine how hard it could be, for those kids, to navigate the entire situation. A superstar dad dead to the world and yet still alive, both for his loving fans and his haters, the buzz around him still deafening, just like the constant slander and lies, and obviously a secret that couldn’t be revealed. That shit would make everyone flip out and, instinctively, Lisa was inclined to give Paris some slack.

However, she didn’t like what she perceived as some jabs hat the girl directed at her dad in the following hours. The uncalled-for “porky” remark had been quite bad, mainly because Michael had always had issues with his appearance. Even though he now seemed to have entirely accepted his more natural look, Lisa knew that Paris had delivered a low blow. A low blow that he didn’t deserve.

Mocking and laughing at Michael’s appearance was never a good thing. It was hideous and unnecessary. And although Lisa believed that Paris had simply acted in a very superficial and immature way that maybe stemmed from intense discomfort, the following hours gave her a better insight into the contradictory feelings the young girl had been experiencing. The entire day, Paris’ mood fluctuated between intense affection and tenderness toward her father to snarky remarks directed to him, her aunt, and especially Lisa. Some of those comments were veiled, but Michael caught them all.

After a while, Lisa started to perceive his annoyance.

“So, Lisa… how’s your divorce going?” Paris asked at one point, while immersed in the heated water of the infinity pool, on the veranda. “It’s the fourth, right?”

Lisa took a sip from her cocktail and put it back on the table, noticing Michael’s look out of the corner of her eye. He was standing by the glass door – the one they had made love against, two nights earlier – looking excruciatingly beautiful in his white slacks and blue and white striped shirt. He was also starting to look worried.

Lisa just leaned in her deck chair, her sunglasses hiding her eyes. She kept her stance and voice relaxed.

“Well… Let’s just say it’ll be over soon.”

“And what about your little kids? The twins? And the other two. Don’t you wanna be with them? They’re still with your mom, right?”

Paris studied Lisa from the pool, her eyes sparkling. They were blue, the same color as the sea behind her back.

“Yes, for now. I’ll see them soon, though. Thanks for asking, Paris.”

Lisa smiled gently and heard her heartbeat hammer in her ears. Calm down, she said to herself. Don’t let a teenager corner you so easily. Just let it go. It’s gonna be OK.

“Paris… I don’t think your behavior is appropriate. So cut it out, please.”

Michael walked over to the pool slowly, his hands buried in his pockets. His eyes were calm, but from the way he set his jaw Lisa could tell how nervous he was.

“Why, dad? I’m just making small talk.” Paris looked up at him as if nothing had happened.

“It’s OK. She’s right… It’s just small talk, really.”

Lisa touched Michael’s forearm. Just the lightest caress. Instinctively, he removed his hand from his pocket and entwined his fingers with hers.

From the other side of the pool, Prince spoke without lifting his eyes from his smartphone. He kept texting back and forth with his girlfriend.

“Paris, why don’t you go lie down for a minute? You’re jetlagged.”

His tone was gentle, casual, but with a very sharp undercurrent. Sitting on the deck chair next to his brother, Bigi just looked up at his sister for a second and shook his head slightly before turning the page of the comic book he was reading. His body language spoke volumes. He didn’t want to get involved in the small quarrel between his older siblings.

Paris pursed her lips for a second and then pushed herself off the poolside, starting to swim underwater and re-emerging from time to time to catch her breath.

Michael stared at her quietly for a moment, then his eyes turned to Lisa. They looked apologetic.

“I’m sorry… I don’t know what’s gotten into her. I’ll talk to her later, just to make sure she’s fine.”

Lisa squeezed his hand and removed her glasses so that he could see, from the look in her eyes, that she was OK.

“Don’t worry about it. Maybe she just needs to unwind a bit after the flight… and this place’s perfect for relaxing, you’ll see.” She got up from the chair. “You know what? I’m gonna go back inside and check on Janet… so that you can spend some time with the kids.”

She started to walk away, but Michael didn’t let go of her hand. Instead, he gently pulled her closer and kissed her softly on the lips. It was a quick and yet lingering contact, communicating so much in such a short instant.

Lisa closed her eyes for a moment, realizing that, for her entire life, no kiss had ever felt as right as Michael’s. Realizing that she had missed those lips every single day for the previous seven years. What she felt for him was too much to handle, at times. A part of her still hadn’t recovered from the immense trauma of losing him. It was the part of her that felt the need to touch him, watch him while he slept, look for him all the time, fearing he would just disappear like dust in the wind. It was the part of Lisa that didn’t want to go back to Memphis without him and that, at that very moment, didn’t want to go back into the house either. She pushed that part down, deep into herself, silencing it once again.

“Alright… I love you, baby. You know that, right?” Michael stared at her for a moment.

Lisa rested her hand on his cheek, briefly.

“I know… I love you too. You know I do.”

Janet watched Lisa through the massive glass doors and scratched her forehead. She was relaxing on the gigantic, plush couch in the living area, having just talked to her mother and made sure that her baby boy was OK. When Lisa appeared in the room, Janet patted the empty spot by her side.

“Come here, you. Sit down with me for a while. You look like you need to vent”.

She giggled as Lisa let out a sigh and smirked, plopping down on the couch next to her and rubbing her eyes.

They stared at each other for a second, both nodding their heads.

“Paris really is something…”

“Did she grill you?”

Lisa shrugged.

“Just a bit.”

“Yeah… Kids, these days.”

The exaggerated expression on Janet’s face made Lisa laugh. She sat back on the couch and closed her eyes for a second.

“She’ll come around…” Janet muttered as if she was talking to herself, and Lisa opened her eyes, studying her for a moment.

“You think?” She scoffed. “I don’t know, Janet. She really, really does not like me one bit.”

Janet shrugged.

“Maybe it’s not even about not liking you. Teenagers are just weird. Didn’t you hate anyone when you were eighteen?”

Lisa laughed heartily.

“I hated everyone. Myself especially.”

“See?” Janet smiled, then grabbed Lisa’s hand. “No, but seriously… I don’t think she hates you at all. I just think she’s a bit biased when it comes to her opinion about you, and possibly us all, after her last visit to Debbie.”

Lisa’s brow furrowed.

“Did she see Debbie? When? Does Michael know?”

“Hey, slow down! Yes, Paris saw Debbie. More than once. She was with her just a few days ago, offering her support during the therapies. And no, Michael doesn’t know yet, unless he has read about it online. But I doubt it since he’s not fond of the internet… quite understandably, I’d add. I was planning to tell him, but I still haven’t gotten the chance to talk to my big brother for more than five minutes straight.”

Lisa blinked, not exactly surprised by the bitter aftertaste in her mouth. Even after twenty years, Debbie still managed to produce the same sense of discomfort that Lisa would feel during and immediately after her marriage to Michael. She knew that Debbie was unwell, but in all honesty, she didn’t follow her on the media and had no idea that she and Paris were still in touch.

“How is she? Is she recovering?”

“Debbie? Yeah. Paris told me she’s fine now, thankfully.” Janet’s soft smile was still there. Calm. Comforting. At times she looked so much like Michael it was uncanny.

Lisa stared down at her own hands, clasped in her lap.

“Good. That’s good. I am very happy for her. I just wish…” Her voice trailed off and she shook her head slightly.

Janet sighed.

“That she wouldn’t intrude. Yeah, me too. But she was able to convince Mother to let her see the kids… I mean, Paris. Prince has no interest in her at all. You know the Debster… she’s good at getting what she wants. And at convincing people.”

“Don’t I know that…”

“I just think… I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling she might have spoken to Paris about you and Mike. Or about you. Or about Mike. Our about us all. I mean, Paris hasn’t told me anything, she is always quite secretive about the things she discusses with her… uhm, bio-mother, but the moment she came back home, it was clear that something had happened. She was giving everyone quite the ‘tude. But again…” Janet stretched out her arms above her head, yawning, clearly taxed by the long flight. “…she does that, now and then. She’ll come around, I’m sure.”

“OK…” Lisa only managed to let out a tired smile. What else could she do, after all?

Janet’s eyes fixed on hers.

“But what about you, Lise? I couldn’t believe it when Prince told me you had called him to plan this vacation with him. Shit, I didn’t even know Michael was in Scotland, let alone that you guys were back together. So unexpected!”

“Jan… It was unexpected for me, too, believe me.”

“You guys are back together, right?” She whispered suddenly, leaning forward and glancing over at her brother, who was now kneeling by the poolside.

Lisa smiled.

“Yes. Michael and I are definitely back together. Ethan Murphy is my new boyfriend.”

Janet laughed and patted her thigh.

“Oh, the magnificent Ethan! Such a normal guy. So conventional. With his flawless suits and perfect ties and well-trimmed beard and boring job and classy manners.”

Lisa smirked and raised an eyebrow at Janet’s amused face.

“The truth is that I’m not surprised that you guys are finally together. I’m amazed he was even able to hold back for so long. He was a mess without you. Even before 2009.”

Lisa shook her head.

“He must have been so unhappy… So lonely. Not without me, but without all the people he loves.”

“Lonely, yeah. Confused, for sure. Uncertain about the future, yes… But, unhappy… I don’t know. He was certainly glad to be still alive…” Janet pursed her lips, and Lisa noticed her eyes welling up for a second. “Glad to still have the chance to be part of his family, to have a role in it, albeit different, obviously… The price to pay was high for us all, but at least we still have him. He’s not gone. And he would have died, Lise, believe me.”

“I know.”

Lisa bit down on the inside of her lip as a shiver ran down her spine. Pure panic resurrecting for a second, clear and unadulterated grief. She knew that Michael didn’t want her to dig into what had happened to him. For your safety, he had said over and over again, whenever she had tried to find out more, more than what he had told her the very first night they had made love in Scotland. Seeing Janet’s reaction, Lisa knew that he had said the same thing to his sister. Janet had trailed off because she didn’t know anything more than what she had said. At this point, Lisa was pretty sure that Michael had given the same information to almost everyone who had come to know the truth. Except for those who were involved in his escape from the get-go, obviously. And Lisa had no idea who they were. Maybe she never would.

She decided to let it go. If that was what Michael wanted, she was OK with it. The time when she would keep pushing against the same door, like a battering ram in medieval war, was over.

Janet’s eyes became remote as she tried to collect her thoughts.

“It was bad after your interview with Oprah. I saw him a few weeks after it aired and he was destroyed. He was in pain. Of course, he downplayed it a lot, told me that he was sad you were so distraught over him, but that you had your family to take care of, that you’d be fine eventually. Can you imagine?” She scoffed. “Yeah, right. ‘Cause I don’t know the two of you. I haven’t seen you guys through the years, right? How you would pine after one another all the time”.

She rolled her eyes, trying to keep the conversation lighter than it was. It didn’t work out very well.

Lisa swallowed, remembering the day of the interview. How she would have wanted to say more. How Oprah kept interrupting her, clearly pushing her own agenda on her, her unjustified contempt for Michael still as clear as day. How frustrated she had felt, at times. There was so much more Lisa wanted to say about Michael. But she couldn’t. She was still a married woman, after all. She wasn’t even supposed to care that much about her dead ex-husband. But she did. And she had forced herself to appear less distraught that she felt – which, after seeing herself on TV, undoubtedly gave her something to think about. If that was downplaying her pain, how visible was it in her everyday life?

“Then it got even worse when you released your album.” Janet looked over at Lisa. “He called me and was shitfaced drunk.”

Lisa didn’t even know what to say. She cleared her throat.

“Yeah… he told me something about it. Not much, though.”

“Well, I was surprised when I found out that he had been able to leave you alone after Storm and Grace. I guess the fact that you were still happily married, at least apparently, kinda held him back.”

Qatar, May 2012

“Un-crucified you came to visit

and for the life of me

I, I could remember

that you were not a regret

Were you here last night, we fell in love again

or was it just a dream

I’ve never been that high as when we fell in love

that was not dream

Don’t want to open my eyes

when we fall in love if it’s just a dream…”

Michael’s vision was fuzzy, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the whiskey or the tears. He balled his fist, carelessly wrapped in a paper napkin now soaked with blood, after he had punched and punched the mirror until it had crashed. His white shirt was stained with blood too, and he didn’t care. With his other hand, he clung to the phone and motioned to get up from the chair, Lisa’s words still resounding in his ears.

She loved him. Still. And she was suffering. Still.

The level of sadness, mourning, and resignation Michael had felt in that song – in those songs – was tearing him apart from the inside. Claws were lacerating his flesh, breaking his bones and finally finding their way through his skin and out, in the void that his life had become.

“Michael? Mike… talk to me. Talk to me, Mike.”

Janet’s voice on the line sounded distant and remote. His ears buzzed. He tried to clear his throat and felt an acidic aftertaste in his mouth. He swayed and the room started to spin uncontrollably.

“I’m here.”

“OK. What are you doing?”

He watched his bloodied hand absent-mindedly and, when he spoke again, his voice sounded flat.

“What am I doing? Nothing. Just standing here. What am I supposed to do?”

He could tell that Janet was frantic, even though she was doing her best to keep her voice calm and reassuring.

“OK, Mike… Now I want you to lie down on your bed and take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Come on, I know you can do it. Lie down and try to relax for a second, will ya? I’m gonna stay here until you feel better.”

“I don’t wanna feel better.” Michael refilled his glass and downed its content in one single shot. “I want her to feel better.”

“She will. You know Lisa… She uses her music to cleanse herself. She’ll be OK. Are you still bleeding?”

“What?”

“Are you still bleeding? Your hand, Mike. And then you need to clean up the glasses from the floor before you hurt yourself again.”

“I don’t know.” He closed his fist again, and several drops of blood dripped down on his pants and the floor. “I don’t know if I’m still bleeding. Who the fuck cares if I’m bleeding or not, Janet.”

“OK, you’re slurring your words now. I need you to stop drinking whatever it is that you’re drinking. Or did you take something?”

Janet’s voice suddenly sounded suspicious, and Michael scoffed.

“I wish. But no. I’m just drunk, Dunk.” He chuckled, dryly, at the idiotic assonance of the words. “No more medications, you know that. Just a bit of liquid courage… But you know what I was thinking? Maybe I should just tell her… Yeah… Maybe I should just call her and tell her the truth so that she can move on.”

“Michael…” On the other end of the line, Janet tried to blink away the tears. She hated being so far away from her brother. She hated not having the chance to snap her fingers and just be there with him. And she knew it was bad, because it was the first time in her life that Michael had called her in those conditions. Shitfaced drunk.

“Yeah… Maybe I should just call her and tell her that she doesn’t have to be sad anymore because everything’s fine… Right, Dunk? Can’t you see how fine I am? I’m peachy.” His voice sounded bitter and profoundly unhappy. “…Do you happen to have her number, by any chance?”

“No,” Janet lied. “I don’t have Lisa’s number, Mike. I want you to lie down on your bed and close your eyes. You need to relax for a moment.”

“Or… maybe you should just tell Lisa that I have never loved her… Yeah… That might do the trick… Next time you see her, tell her what a piece of shit I was, how I used her, how I just wanted her for her name and how I never gave a fuck about her… Tell her that her mother was right… Tell her she was just a nice piece of ass for me and that, eventually, she was not even that anymore… Knowing her, she’ll get so fucking mad at me that she’ll hate me for a century or two… And then she’ll be fine.”

“Michael… please” Janet’s voice became weaker and weaker.

“Yeah. That might work. Tell her, Jan. Tell her that I never cared… Don’t tell her the truth. Don’t tell her that I have always loved her and I love her still and that I can never have her again. How am I supposed… How can I…”

The next thing Janet heard was a thump and unintelligible noises and then her brother’s frantic steps to the bathroom before he fell on his knees and threw up violently in the toilet.

When Michael woke up, the sun was rising and its rays were peeking through the window. He had passed out on the floor, in the bathroom, and when he finally managed to sit up, his back resting against the cold tile wall, his head started hurting and pulsing. Boom boom boom, right in between his temples. His cell phone lay behind the toilet bowl, screen dark, battery dead. He had to remember to call Janet back and tell her that he hadn’t choked in his own vomit. But not now.

Now he needed a moment.

He scratched the back of his head, squeezing his eyes shut for a second, then he pushed his other hand on the toilet bowl and, somehow, succeeded in getting up. He stared at himself in the broken mirror above the sink. Dark circles around his eyes, face unshaven, skin paler than usual, but with red blotches on his cheekbones, he looked like shit. He was sure that not even Lisa, with all her love, would be able to stand such ugliness. Every single muscle in his body hurt. His back screamed in pain. His heart… well, that part of him was shattered.

Somehow, he managed to turn on the water in the shower and took off his clothes. When his body finally relaxed under the hot water, the tears appeared out of nowhere, and he cried and bawled like a little kid for what seemed like forever. This time, it was not for the upside-down life that he was living, nor for the complete turn of events that had revolutionized his entire existence, for the career he had lost. For once, it was not even for his family. He sobbed for his lost love. He cried all the tears he had stoically left un-cried for the longest time.

Loving Lisa and not having her was terrible, but loving her and knowing that she still loved him and thought he was dead was even worse. It was a kind of pain that Michael didn’t even think existed. Or maybe he did. It was possibly the same pain he would have felt if Lisa had died and he had survived her.

The mere idea took his breath away and he bent forward abruptly, his forehead unceremoniously banging against the tile wall of the shower. Boom boom boom, right in between his temples. His eyes still shut and still managing to pour tears somehow.

In his confused mind, Lisa’s face appeared from the darkness, her smile tantalizing, sweet, condescending, loving, sad. So many memories. So many moments stolen and spent together through so many years. And so much pain caused by the emptiness that her absence had created. Images of Lisa glaring at him, smirking, sleeping, her face relaxed. Still frames of her lips, of her hand clasping his. Of her face flushed after making love, her body writhing underneath him, her skin hot and fevered, shivering. The taste of it in Michael’s mouth and he let out a sob that sounded like a howl. His body responded almost automatically at the insistence of the memories and, opening his eyes just slightly, he noticed his straining erection. Yeah. That part of him didn’t give a fuck that Lisa was not there, apparently.

He closed his eyes and blindly reached down. The moment he started stroking himself, he winced. This was not supposed to be painful. His free hand banged against the wall, again and again. The wound on his palm reopened, blood dripped down the tiles and Michael sobbed again.

Chapter song