They floated through the following days in a state of pure ecstasy, reveling in a feeling neither of them had experienced in a very long time. A string of emotions they never thought they would share again – both condemned to eternal loneliness made of tons of unspoken words, loose ends, regrets and remorse.
Not that it all was brushed away. Time was a tyrant: too slow when one was a prisoner of his own sorrow, too fast when there were so many things that needed to be done. But somehow, Michael and Lisa managed to make the most out of it in the excited and blissful state they were in.
They spent together all their time, unable to let go, eager to make up for all those years apart. Lisa especially felt something crash and burn inside her resurrected self. Her anxiety sometimes driving their nights, keeping her awake, her body exhausted by Michael’s insatiable passion and yet painfully vigilant, unable to let go, to keep her eyes off him, terrified at the idea that something or someone could take him away. Forever, this time. And she knew what that gutting feeling of helplessness meant. She had tasted it for seven years, after all. Maybe even longer.
Many times he woke up finding her gaze at him, her hooded blue eyes so very tired and yet watchful and alert. However, she would always downplay it.
“You’re just so beautiful when you sleep…”
She didn’t want to burden him with her demons. He already had so many to keep on a tight leash.
“We’ll have to talk about this sooner or later, baby,” Michael said one morning, tracing her jawline with his finger.
“Later, then. There’s still so much else to say.”
She didn’t want to talk about what was ailing her. That much was clear.
They would still go to their favorite spot on the cliff, taking pictures and watching the sea twist and change its colors. Some days its waves furiously beating the shore, some other days its surface as smooth and quiet like a perfect Sunday morning. They went back to the restaurant that had almost witnessed their umpteenth first kiss, but now their conversations were soft, and they couldn’t keep their eyes off each other, their fingers interlaced on the table, their words hushed.
They even made a habit of dancing to some old blues songs in the ballroom. That, too, felt so different than the first time around.
Lisa would feel Michael’s body relax and mold into the sinuous and almost weightless shape she remembered him to be whenever he danced. They were nothing but slow songs to dance to, and he did absolutely nothing spectacular. Nobody noticed him. But there was something about him, something ancient and at the same time so familiar in the way he moved fluidly and flawlessly to the music. As if he was dancing underwater and gravity meant nothing to him. There was something so comforting in the way he would hold her close to his body and made her sway with him, in perfect sync with the music and their heartbeat.
“I don’t remember us dancing this much when we were married…” Lisa once said softly into his ear, her arms loosely wrapped around his neck.
She heard him chuckle lowly.
“Yeah, and I know why. I would always ask… And you would often refuse.”
“That’s because I’m not that much of a dancer.” Lisa rested her cheek against his chest and inhaled his scent.
“You’re such a terrible liar, Lisa… You would go dancing with Janet all the time.”
This time she laughed, then turned serious and watched him straight in the eyes.
“You’re right. OK, I have to confess… I didn’t feel like dancing with you because I was intimidated by you. My man is the best dancer in the world, you know…”
“Oh, I know it was because of that. I had that feeling.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. But let me tell you, it was utter bull. I just wanted to dance with my woman. It wasn’t an audition.”
She backed off a little to take a good look at him and grinned.
“How would you feel if I asked you to sing one of my father’s songs?”
Michael repressed a smile and his gaze dropped. He looked pensive for a moment.
“Well… I think I’d sing it. But I get what you mean… And you might have a point here.”
“See? Don’t be such a smartass…”
He pulled her closer and held her tight, and she lifted her head, stroking his cheek with her own, loving the way his beard felt against her skin. She raked her fingers through his short hair, exceptionally soft on the nape of his neck, and spoke right into his ear.
“I still haven’t told you… I love you… I love you like this.”
Quietly and almost automatically, they also resumed doing all the things they loved doing when they were together – before the marriage, during the marriage, after the divorce, and in the long years that they had spent seeing and loving each other in relative secrecy. They watched old movies, cuddled on the couch while reading a book, listened to music, strolled on the beach hand in hand, unseen or even better – unnoticed!
They cooked together. Fell asleep and woke up together. And mostly, they played and laughed a lot.
It felt like heaven. To be so carefree and… ordinary. Uninteresting to anyone they crossed.
It wasn’t even shocking that they would make love all the time. There was a sense of urgency, almost a desperation that couldn’t be denied, ignored or suppressed in the way they would tear each other’s clothes off, in the way they would kiss and take each other. At fifty-eight, Michael was as manly and skilled as Lisa remembered him to be, his body looking different and yet healthy and vibrant. He was full of stamina and quick to recover, always responsive to her stimulations and needs, able to deliver every single time the maximum pleasure both physically and emotionally. That hadn’t changed at all and, once, she told him. Not because she felt he needed to be reassured, but because it somehow stunned her how little he had changed in that department.
“OK… you gotta tell me this, Mike… how do you do it?”
Leaning up on her elbow, she had been looking at him for a while, her body worn out from exhaustion, her head nestled in her hand. Her hair was wild, her naked breasts were barely covered by the sheets.
Michael glanced up at her. Lying on his back, his breath still uneven, his neck and chest glistening with sweat, he looked like an ancient god. Her own personal Zeus straight from Mount Olympus. Strands of curly hair were plastered on his forehead, and his eyes showed a playful, childlike glint.
“Do what?”
Lisa laughed.
“How do you manage to fuck me like you do…”
His radiant smile seemed to light up the entire room. He looked amused and a bit confused.
“Whatcha mean?”
“What do I mean? Dude, you bang me like a twenty-year-old…!”
His brow furrowed.
“Meaning? Is that supposed to be an insult? As in inexperienced?”
Lisa’s laugh made his heart skip a beat.
“No, turd… It’s a compliment… as in ravenous. Insatiable.”
He studied her intently for a moment, his shiny eyes still mischievous.
“Don’t you know that sixty is now only considered middle age? Let alone fifty-eight. Fifty-eight is the new thirty-eight. I mean, I’m practically still a toddler… Plus, I got lots and lots of years of celibacy to make up for, baby…”
She bit her lip, not entirely ready to delve too deeply into his words. The guilt about having somehow distanced herself from him still too raw, heightened by her ever-present jealousy at the mere thought of another woman being with him that way. Some things just never changed, even when everything else did. But how could she be upset if he had wanted some company, at one point? How selfish would that be?
Her hand rested on his chest and stroked it, then slid down on his lower abdomen.
“You’re right. Babe… You’re still such a hot daddy…” She looked up at him and, while she spoke, her husky Southern drawl became more evident. “Let me help you make up for all that lost time…”
Michael blinked, lazily.
“Stop talking like that… You know it turns me on.”
“Oh, really? And that would be wrong because…?” Her hand disappeared under the sheets and her fingers closed around him. He jumped a little and felt his body immediately respond to her touch. “And what about this? Does this turn you on, too?”
He glanced down at himself.
“You know it does, baby… And it’s all natural… I blame you.”
She smiled and grasped him tighter, forcing him to let out a low moan.
“My, my… so it’s all my fault, uhm?” Still piercing his eyes with her blue gaze, she started stroking him the way she knew he loved.
“Yeah…” Michael put his large hand on Lisa’s and guided her movements, closing his eyes for a moment and swallowing. “I could finish just by looking into your eyes… You are better than any fantasy I could ever come up with… I love you and your perfect, delicious, little body…”
She scooted closer, her mouth searching his lips in an open-mouthed kiss that he immediately reciprocated. A kiss that left her breathless.
“Yeah… I know the feeling… Nobody has ever made love to me the way you do… Nobody… That’s why it’s never enough…” As she spoke, her lips traced a hot, wet descent on his skin.
He felt her long hair graze his chest and stomach as she slowly slid down his body, and closed his eyes, placing his other hand on her head and gently pushing her where he wanted her to be.
They had decided to not let anyone in Lisa’s circle know about Michael’s true identity. Yet, he had been crystal clear about how they would be playing this. He didn’t want their relationship to be a secret. He wanted something normal, for once in his life. He craved normalcy, routine, and serenity. And Lisa wanted just the same things.
However, theirs was a very tricky puzzle to compose. They wanted to have what they once had but without some of the predicaments of the past. At the same time, they both knew that they would be facing a different kind of complications, but Michael seemed adamant about keeping things as linear, simple and transparent as they possibly could. Apparently, hiding more than necessary was no longer an option for him. He had learned from experience that the best disguise was hiding in plain sight as if it was the most normal thing to do.
“Been there, done that… Been playing this game for my entire life. I’m done hiding.” He had shrugged his shoulders, trying to keep his tone light, although his insecurity and hesitancy were palpable. “Unless… you know… unless you’d rather prefer not to be seen with me.”
There was a hint of the old self-doubt in his voice. As if he was testing the waters about where they stood.
The conversation took place while they were having dinner at his house. A frugal meal after a long afternoon spent on the beach despite the chilly weather. Christmas was approaching, and Peterhead looked beautiful, its colors cold and seductive, reminding them of the chromatic palette of stainless steel.
Lisa raised her eyebrow and took a sip of wine.
“Don’t you think I’d want to scream it from the rooftops? That you’re here… with me… That my life finally is whole and meaningful again? …That I love you more than I ever thought possible… That I’m so fucking happy?”
Michael smiled, suddenly bashful.
“God, Lise… I’m so fucking in love with you. You got no idea… And I can’t stop saying it out loud…” He played with a leaf of salad on his plate.
“But, Michael…” She reached out and took his hand on the table. “I don’t want to put you in any danger. I mean… I know you say you’re safe, but I’m not willing to take any risks… Honest to God, I don’t think I would survive losing you again…”
Tears burned in her throat suddenly and she swallowed, pushing the pain back.
“I know…” He intertwined his fingers with hers. “And believe it or not, I wouldn’t either… Being away from you for all these years hurt way more than I could tolerate. I wanna stop losing you just as much as I wanna stop losing myself.”
She just stared at him, sensing that he was not only referring to the last seven years. As a matter of fact, she waited. He had not told her why he had decided to reach out eventually. Not yet. And maybe he never would.
“But back then… Until a few months ago…” He shook his head and took a deep breath. “Fuck, I wasn’t even supposed to do what I did… I was determined to leave you alone and let you live your life… Watching you from afar… Being happy just knowing that you were happy.”
“But I wasn’t happy,” Lisa murmured, glancing up at him. He held her gaze.
“I know that now.”
“You said you saw my interview… You must have known, even back then, what your… what had happened to you was doing to me. You saw me. Shit, when I watched the damn thing again it couldn’t have been more obvious… The state I was in…”
She trailed off and swallowed, shaking her head. The state she had been in. Barely holding it together. Her vision started to blur and she felt Michael’s grip on her hand tighten.
“I would have gladly smashed my head against a wall rather than see you like that. But even though you admitted you were never indifferent to me, I thought… I honestly thought you would get over it… Eventually.”
Lisa slowly retreated her hand, stunned.
“You honestly thought I would get over it? That I would get over you?”
He winced.
“Really, Michael?”
“Yeah. I mean… Eventually. You had a family, Lisa. Two little kids, a husband… a man you said you loved… What was I supposed to think?”
His voice was colder now and it was her turn to flinch. He was right. What right did she have to flip out, after all? Talk about errors in judgment. Talk about stupid decisions. Her features conveyed her internal struggle, and Michael’s face softened, his upper body leaning back in the chair. He got why she had said what she had said, back then. But she needed to understand his point.
“Lisa. You had your life… I know that we… sometimes, you know, we had been together even while you were with him. But you were always clear. You had made your choice. I couldn’t commit to you the way you wanted me to. How could I… I mean, how could you expect…” Words failed him, and he just sighed, pushing his chair back and resting his hand on his thigh. “What the fuck did I have to offer?”
Lisa felt a pang of pain in her chest. There it was again – that tortured, frustrated expression on his face, mirroring her own. She cleared her throat.
“I know. You’re right. And then… what changed? I mean, you’re here now. So, what changed your plans?”
Michael looked up at her, his eyes like dark pools.
“And then… I found out that you weren’t getting any better… You weren’t getting over it… I also saw clips, read stuff, had to face what people were saying about you, about us… online… It was all so wrong, so fucked up…” He just stared into space for a long moment and, all of a sudden, he looked his age and not one day younger. “When you released your album… I listened to your songs, and it devastated me… I got so drunk that night that I passed out on the floor. And then you left that fool you married, and it was nasty… and I was so worried, girl. About your safety… your life, even… When you moved here, I just thought… I don’t know, Lise, I just had to see you, OK? I had to be closer to you… to make sure… that you were getting better.”
He tilted his head and bit his lip.
“…You looked so lonely, Lisa. And I was too… So empty and so, so lost… I was so fucking lost.”
Her body felt frozen in place. It didn’t matter how much his words were burning, burning inside, spreading like wildfire and turning everything to ashes. Priming the soil for new and tender blades of grass.
“Your absence was slowly killing me, Michael… The emptiness I felt without you… I don’t think there are words to describe it. There were days when the only thing I wanted was to close my eyes and be with you, wherever you were. It’s a fucked up thing to say… And it’s selfish, I know… I’m so sorry…”
He tossed his head as if he needed to chase away the mental image she had painted for him, and stood up, walking around the table and crouching down next to her. He took her hand and held it in his own.
“See? That’s the point… That’s exactly what I did not want for you… You gotta understand that. You must know that I didn’t stay away because I wanted to punish you somehow. But please… don’t ask me if it was gonna be like that forever or if I was just biding my time, hoping you wouldn’t forget about me, waiting for your kids to grow up… I honestly don’t know. I am not sure if I came back for you or for me. I just know I did. I just know that I came back even though I am not even sure I’m the same man I used to be. Even though I didn’t know if you still wanted me.”
She stared at him for a long time. Then, she rested her other hand on his cheek.
“I don’t know who you are… who you have become. I can’t tell yet. But I know I love you. And I think that what you did, you did it for both of us…” She leaned over and rested her forehead against his. “I think you did it for us. Because you wanted another chance and you felt how much I would have wanted it too. And thank God, you reached out. I’ll always be grateful for that.”
She backed off slightly and blinked. Her brow furrowed.
“Thank you… for reaching out… For trusting me with this. For giving me… for giving us another chance.”
His chest constricted and he just kissed her, holding her close. He had never, not even for a minute, thought that he would not give them another chance – if only he could. Maybe Lisa needed to be reminded of what she meant to him.
“So… what are we gonna do now?”
Sniffling, Lisa regained some composure and rested her hands on his shoulders.
“I don’t know, Mike. I am worried someone might still be looking for you. But I don’t want you to live in hiding anymore. I mean, I get that you’ll always have to fly under the radar, and that’s OK with me. I just want you to be free. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. For you to be free. From those vultures flapping their fucking wings around you, and now from this… I know it’s different now, but there’s no point in escaping death if you can’t really live… At the same time, you gotta understand that I am not willing to accept any risks when it comes to you.” Her grip on his shoulders tightened, and she shook him, slightly. “If only I could, I’d build a brand new world from scratch. Just for you. But I can’t… What I can do is stay by your side, protect you and trust your instinct. Let’s play by your rules… If you think you’re safe… if you think we really can keep this up, I trust you. I know I do.”
She trusted him…
Michael stared at her, his heartbeat racing. This was it. The chance he had been looking for. It had presented itself a tiny bit later than he expected, but still… it was never too late. The truth was that he had perfected his role mainly around strangers and unknown people. Getting in direct contact with someone who used to know him would be an entirely different thing. There was a lot at stake but, at the same time, what other option did he have? Living like a fugitive? Caught in the role of the invisible man? Leaving Lisa behind? Again? The woman who loved him and who he still loved? Not living at all, just surviving, waiting for… what?
Hell, no.
He sighed.
“I wanna try. I think I can do it. I’m sure I can.”
The more he said it out loud, the more his insecurities disappeared.
“OK, then… In this case…” Lisa smiled, trying really hard to get rid of her own doubts. “We gotta put our act together, Ethan. My family will be here in a week and Lish… well, earlier today she let me know via text that she’ll be visiting in two days… Talk about opportunity…”
Michael smiled and shook his head, grabbing Lisa’s hand and kissing its palm.
“Alright, then… let’s roll.”
Lish’s visit to Lisa at the house by the cliff ended up being a pretty good exercise for Michael. He let the girls spend most of the day together and only made his appearance after dinner, for a quick drink. He and Lisa had agreed that they couldn’t act as if they had been in love forever, especially not around people who knew her. It would look weird given the circumstances. She was still divorcing, after all.
Michael spent the morning and a good part of the afternoon fixing an old, 1920’s wall clock that he had bought in Wales in 2014. Fixing broken clocks had become one of his hobbies since the beginning of his second life, as he called it. Not only it reminded him that he had to be patient, but it also allowed him to think while keeping his hands occupied. It made him feel useful and, in a somehow arrogant way, also gave him the impression to control time. Time more than anything had been pivotal in the past seven years of his existence. Time that he had spent mending his body, healing his spirit as much as he could, regrouping, learning, thinking, listening, waiting. Time that he had spent learning and going back to living.
And now he was finally living.
Around 8 PM Michael took a long, hot shower and got ready to visit Lisa and meet Alecia. Who, by the way, he had obviously already met a few years earlier, at the VMA, and on a handful of other occasions afterward.
He knew that it would be challenging. What if she recognized him? He had a feeling that pushing Lish off a cliff and hope she couldn’t swim was not a viable solution. And he was too peaceful and non-violent for that kind of stuff anyway. Worst case scenario, he could only hope that she would be loyal to Lisa and keep their secret.
Standing on the patio he took a long breath, nervously touching his tie and smoothing down the soft fabric of his vest.
When Lisa opened the door, she smiled.
“Hey…”
Her voice was low and husky, and Michael felt something stir- something more than his excitement and anticipation for what was to come. It was a calm enthusiasm. He still loved to perform, and this was the perfect occasion to show how good he always could be.
“Hey yourself…” He stepped in and showed her what he was hiding behind his back. It was a single red rose. “This is for you… Just to let you know how much I missed you today.”
She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. He could tell that she was pleased and surprised. She delicately took the flower from his hand and then put her other hand on his neck, pulling his head down to her, touching his lips with a long, lingering kiss.
“Thank you, baby… It’s beautiful.”
“Well, I’d be damned…”
Alecia’s deep, velvety voice startled them both, and Lisa smiled, letting go of him slowly.
“Ethan… This is my good friend, Alecia…” She touched Michael’s back and pinched him, just slightly.
He walked over to the woman he had to pretend he did not know and shook her hand.
“Good evening. It’s so nice to meet you… Lisa told me so much about you. You’re Pink, right? I’m Ethan.”
“Yeah, but not today and not for my friends. Hi, Ethan… Your girl told me so much about you, too…” She looked over at Lisa and winked at her. “…What she forgot to mention is how hot you are.”
The remark was whispered after he let go of her hand with a smile and walked over to the living room. Michael pretended he hadn’t heard her.
“Please, don’t embarrass him.” Lisa rolled her eyes.
Alecia just gave her a vague shoulder-shrug.
“I haven’t made up my mind yet… We’ll see…”
Chapter song