Mister Nobody – Part 31 | It was nothing, it was everything

Ròs House, Scotland – December 2017

Lisa placed her cellphone back on the desk and bit the soft flesh inside her cheek until she tasted blood. She closed her eyes for a moment and inhaled deeply, held her breath, and then exhaled. She had to calm down. She was pregnant and shouldn’t get upset. As much as little Kellan was behaving himself – and he was an angel, really, almost not causing any discomfort to his mama – she, too, needed to do her part. And getting anxious and angry was not how she wanted to feel, especially not right now, with a baby on his way.

Plus, Michael had become ultra-sensitive when it came to her moods. He acted almost like a psychic, guessing what was going through her mind and acting accordingly. Lately, he had also been showing a bit of what Lisa called his “daddy’s pregnancy symptoms.” She had come up with that definition one night, a few weeks earlier, when she had awakened around two in the morning and had decided to bake some cookies for no other reason but the fact that she craved them.

Lisa had opened her eyes in the darkness and had immediately tuned in to Michael’s deep, relaxed breathing. He was sound asleep. He was not an insomniac to the level he used to be, but his sleep was still very, very light. Therefore, she paid particular attention to not disturb him when she got up and, feet naked, walked out of the room and climbed down the stairs.

He had appeared in the kitchen about forty minutes later. Lisa had heard him shuffle his feet and had lifted her head from her notepad and found him standing in the doorframe. She had smiled immediately. He looked so sweet – and so hot – wearing his jammies and a white t-shirt, his curls wild on his head, those sleepy eyes and the pout.

He had scratched his temple.

“Whatcha doin’?”.

Lisa had placed the pen on the notepad and pointed at the oven.

“Baking cookies. Why aren’t you in bed, anyway?”.

Michael’s eyebrows had sprung up, and he had just ignored her question.

“Cookies? Let me see…”.

He had sauntered over to the oven and carefully examined Lisa’s masterful work. At one point he had even cocked his head to the side in a theatrical way, forcing her to stifle a chuckle. She loved how his silly side had reemerged, finding its place in their new life. For a long time, she had thought it had been gone forever. Instead, there it was. Lisa didn’t think Michael had any idea how, lately, he had been reminding her of the young man she had made love to for the very first time, so many years earlier, at Neverland.

“The smell is good… the shape, though… babe…”. He had clasped his hands behind his back and cocked his head to the other side and, this time, Lisa had snorted in amusement.

“Shut up… They’re beautiful…”, she had gotten up, sighing in a purposefully exaggerated way, and had walked over to him, glancing at the cookies.

“Look at them. They’re perfect”.

“Lise… baby. I’m sorry, but they look like…”.

“Don’t you dare!”.

“…little turds.”

She had pinched his side, and he had yelped, jumping back and grabbing her hand.

“Stop it! They do. You know what? We should just call ‘em that. Little turds. Or turdies… Chocoturdies?”. His beautiful dark eyes shone with a mischievous glint.

Lisa had made a face.

“Oh my god… you’re such a dork!”, she had giggled when he had pulled her closer, gently, placing a kiss on the tip of her nose. “Go back to bed. I’ll take my cookies out of the oven and eat them all myself”.

“Nonsense. I’m hungry”.

Her eyes had widened, and she had wrapped her arms around his neck, tilting her head back to look up at him.

“Yeah? Oh, OK. Let me get this straight, then… Sometimes I feel dizzy, and you do too. You’ve gained a tiny bit of weight, which, on a side note, looks amazing on you. You suddenly crave foods that you don’t even like. You cry while watching romantic comedies… comedies, Mike!”.

He had raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to prove, here. I’m just sympathetic to you carrying our baby”.

“What I’m trying to prove is that you might be experiencing daddy’s pregnancy syndrome.”

Michael had pondered over her words for a minute.

“Alright… ever heard of the breeding ritual of emperor penguins?”.

“I think I watched March of the Penguins once, but I don’t remember the details. Sorry”.

“OK… Let me enlighten you, then. After the penguins mate, mama penguin lays an egg and places it at the feet of papa penguin. And for two months, for two whole months, papa penguin incubates the little egg, he protects it from predatory birds and from the Antarctic’s brutal cold…”.

“…Um… Go on. It’s actually interesting…”.

“What I mean to say is that, for some reason, some fathers just suffer with their pregnant counterpart. And I ain’t joking, it happens for real”.

“So you’re actually admitting it. You’ve been experiencing pregnancy symptoms”.

“Yes. I confess”. He had looked very serious, and she had immediately pulled him down for another kiss. Because he really was too much.

“OK then… papa penguin… Since we both know how exhausting incubating can be…”, Lisa had spoken in between kisses. “…I’ll feed you some cookies and then maybe you can feed me something else…”.

“You’re such a naughty, naughty girl…”.

“It’s not me… It’s my hormones… I can’t help it”.

He had giggled.

“Yeah… keep telling yourself that…”.

Eventually, they had eaten all the cookies and then had made love in the kitchen, all the while acknowledging that their pregnancy was indeed very, very special and that it was creating an even deeper bond than they ever thought possible.

Lisa had now reached her fifth month of pregnancy, and the baby had started undergoing a major growth spurt. Consequently, her abdomen had geared up for the change, stretching to accommodate the little bean which had now become the size of a potato. Her growing bump and quite considerable increase in breast size had delighted Michael, who had immediately insisted they needed to experience new sexual positions – to not weight on the baby. He was on a mission, and Lisa didn’t mind. In fact, she loved how he would take care of her, how considerate and attentive he was to her every need.

It was pure bliss, and she had somehow managed to keep every problem and anxiety out of their personal life. Until the phone call.

One of her lawyers had called, letting her know that Lockwood had once again filed a new set of documents and presented them to the court. It had become a never-ending cycle of bullshit, and it was clear that her former husband’s intention was to drag the divorce as much as he could. He wanted their post-nuptial agreement annulled. And he wanted money – he wanted to be a kept man until the end of his days. Well, fuck that shit.

Lisa’s bottom lip quivered, and she reprimanded herself inwardly: this was not good. Her heartbeat was racing, and she was starting to experience some light-headedness. She sat down on the bed and rested her hand on her belly, finding solace and comfort in the fact that, despite Lockwood and his pathetic attempts at holding onto her wallet, she had everything she had ever wanted. Lisa wondered if she should tell Michael about the phone call and eventually decided that yes, there was not a chance in the world that he would accept to be kept out of the loop again. But right now – well, right now, the only thing she wanted was to regain some composure and check on him… and the twins.

Harper and Finely had arrived a few days earlier, with their nanny. It would be Christmas in less than a week and the rest of the family – Priscilla, Benjamin, and Riley – would be in Scotland very soon. Janet and Michael’s kids would be joining them for New Year’s Eve. Lisa and Michael had planned to tell everyone about their pregnancy as they arrived, mainly because it couldn’t really be hidden at this point. Lisa’s baby bump had become relatively evident.

So far, they had managed to tell the twins, and they had been ecstatic at the idea of having a little baby to take care of. They loved being the youngest in the family, but they were also fascinated by the opportunity of being big sisters to a newborn. Somehow, so far, both Finley and Harper had been able to keep the secret each time they talked to someone over the phone. A small miracle in itself.

Predictably, Michael had been nothing short of incredible with the girls, and a few days had been more than enough for them to be completely enraptured by his charm and natural talent with children. The three of them were currently busy preparing and decorating little Kellan’s room: Michael had insisted on involving them, and they were having a blast. Lisa had agreed, as long as they were doing nothing dangerous.

Lisa stood up and slowly walked out of the bedroom and down the hall. She heard them giggle even before she peeked into the room. What she saw was a sight to behold and, for what seemed like an endless moment, Lisa just stayed quiet and leaned her shoulder against the door frame, enjoying the show.

This, all of this, was so right. Suddenly, she felt over twenty years late. She immediately pushed aside the bitterness of all the time lost, preferring to focus her attention on the time so astonishingly gained. When she thought all was dead and gone.

The crib, half-assembled, rested neatly on the wall-to-wall carpeting on the floor, which had been covered in paper sheets. Harper was painting a lemon-yellow sun on a wall, while Michael was kneeled on the floor and teaching Finley how to use a paint roller on another wall – the one they had decided should be painted in sapphire blue.

“I want our baby to have something reminding him of his mama’s beautiful eyes,” Michael had told her, with that usual corniness that Lisa pretended not to like and that she loved so freaking much, instead. In that very moment, she had also pretended to have something in said eye. She had officially become a milksop. And she couldn’t care less, as long as she had Michael and her family with her because that, more than anything else, was the miracle that never ceased to amaze her.

“Look at my beautiful artists…”, she eventually said, smirking.

Michael turned his head and grinned as the twins immediately engulfed her with their overlapping chattering about what a lovely room they were “painting for the little baby bean.”

Lisa glanced at Michael and made a face.

“The baby has a name, you know. We talked about that”.

“And named he will, properly, the moment he sets his tiny foot into this world…”, he got up and stepped closer, giving her a gentle kiss on the lips. “…But until then, I’m going to keep referring to him as my little bean…”.

She just grinned and shook her head, all the while using her fingers to comb his curls back and off his forehead.

“…Come on, sweetheart. Let me be clichéd… for a little while, still”. He looked at her with those puppy dog eyes, and she pretended not to be touched by the complete sweetness, the total ecstasy she saw in them.

“Whatever…”.

She was looking at him condescendingly, but the truth was that she adored him. Lately, she had been feeling as if she hadn’t stopped loving him for a single minute in her life. Rationally, she knew that was the truth but, at the same time, she had managed to make herself numb for so long, that now she wondered how those feelings had managed to resurface and engulf her to that extent. And how loud they were rumbling in each and every cell of her being!

She adored Michael. She felt exactly like she had felt when she had first fallen in love with him. Maybe she was falling for him all over again, and her passion was now doubling in size and intensity. Or perhaps it was just because of her raging hormones. Either way, she had found her place in the world. It was where she had always suspected it to be: by his side. She had found solace. She only needed to break free from the chains of a marriage that shouldn’t have happened at all, in retrospect.

“Hey, what about you girls take a shower? You look and smell nasty! Go call Sarah and ask her to help you out, and I’ll be right there”.

“Can we decorate the Christmas tree in the living room, first?”, Harper clutched her hand.

“No, missy. First, you take your shower and put on some clean clothes, and then we’ll decorate the tree. Sounds good?”.

“Can Ethan help us?”. Utterly oblivious to her mom’s orders, Finley had taken her sister’s place and was now painting orange spots into the lemon-yellow sun on the wall.

“Sure, he can,” Lisa raised her eyebrows at Michael, who just stood there, puffing his chest out in satisfaction, “And mama will help too if you don’t mind.”

Finley didn’t catch her sarcastic tone. Or just decided to ignore it.

“It’s fine, mommy.”

“Gee, Fin, contain your enthusiasm… Come on, go with your sister and clean yourself up. You look like you rolled around in paint”.

Harper ran down the hall while Finley stopped before Michael. He immediately crouched down and gave her a one-armed hug, to which she replied with a kiss on his cheek.

“Thanks for teaching me how to use the paint roller. I get it now”.

“You were very good, and you’re so very welcome.”

Finley smiled proudly and then ran after her sister.

“So?”, Michael moved behind Lisa’s back and wrapped his arms around her waist, his hands immediately resting on her belly. He glanced around the room. “What you think?”.

Lisa interlaced her fingers with his.

“I’m not entirely sure about the green wall. It’s not exactly feng-shui”.

“Well, I’m not done, yet… you’ll see the final result. You’ll be in awe, believe me”.

“Humble as usual, I see.”

“It’s one of my best qualities…”, he rubbed her belly, very gently, the heat of his hands warming up both her body and her soul. “…No kicking, yet?”.

“Not for now, no…”.

They knew the baby was fine. Lisa was closely monitored, and they had already had two ultrasounds. Kellan was growing – and he was healthy. Their beautiful baby boy. The impossible made possible.

“You know… maybe he just needs some more oxygen rushes…”.

“He’ll be high on oxygen when he comes out, I’m telling you. You’ve been on a mission for weeks, and my pregnancy orgasms are supersize, even more so than usual…”. She purred and leaned back, wiggling her cute little butt against him, and he immediately rested his chin on her shoulder. He was still caressing her belly, very gently.

“That’s because… I’ve read on my books that… your sensations are likely heightened because the genital and pelvic regions are… engorged with blood, and…”. It wasn’t exactly easy to keep a conversational tone with her body pressing and rubbing against his.

“Oh, I can feel it’s engorging alright…”, Lisa’s low, husky voice worsened the situation, and Michael cleared his throat.

“…And blood and oxygen power orgasm… thus intensifying all kinds of… ah, stimulation”.

“I love it when you speak like a printed book, baby… it’s sexy…”.

“Yeah?”. He kissed her neck, and Lisa leaned her head back and against his shoulder, granting him more access.

“Yeah… Plus, I’m always in the mood anyway, so…  I’m so glad you’re not one of those men who feel inhibited by pregnancy sex…”.

He inhaled deeply, and his caresses stopped, as she felt his body tense. Lisa bit her tongue. Her eyes closed for a moment as Michael backed off slightly. He kissed the back of her head, but when he spoke, his voice sounded a little somber.

“No, of course, I’m not… one of those men”.

Fuck! That phone call had forced her to dig into her past and Lockwood had been worming into her thoughts without her even realizing it. And Michael, as usual, had sensed that something was wrong. The truth was, the moment Lisa had seen him with the twins, she had wondered if they would ever be able to live like that, like a regular family. She had asked for sole custody of Harper and Finley, but things weren’t going as expected. And now, for the first time since she had filed for divorce, she was scared it would end badly. Joint custody would be a problem, given that she and Michael had decided to live in Scotland. And Michael couldn’t move to Los Angeles – or anywhere else in the USA. Not permanently, anyway. He had already risked so much by rushing to her bedside after her accident.

She turned around and faced him. His dark eyes were unreadable.

“Was he? …Inhibited, that is”. He paused for a moment and looked down at his own hands, now resting on Lisa’s waist. “…Because honestly, Lise, you’re sexier than ever, to me…”.

“He was, yeah. But let’s not talk about him”.

“Well… Yeah, sure. It’s not that I like even thinking about that dude. So why don’t you simply tell me what’s going on? Who were you on the phone with? Mr. Gross?”.

“One of his assistants.”

Michael bit his lip and nodded his head, still keeping his eyes low.

“And what did he say?”.

Lisa let out a deep sigh and walked over to the armchair, sitting down. Her hand rested on her belly in an automatic, self-comforting, protective gesture.

“Lockwood’s got some new files for the court…”.

“What?”. Michael’s brow furrowed as he cocked his head in disbelief. “Again?”.

“Apparently…”. Her voice was calm and colorless, now. “…Like I said, he’s not giving up and not giving in. My lawyers are sure he doesn’t know about our pregnancy or, in their opinion, he’d get even nastier. You know, having to share the goodies with another kid is probably not what he wants”.

“But he will.” Michael stepped closer to her. “He’ll find out soon. About our baby. The moment you send someone else to court because of health reasons, he’ll want to know more. He’ll dig… And he’ll find out”.

“Yeah… that’s why I really, really need this… thing… to be over as quickly as possible. Before Kellan is born. I just have to find a way”.

Michael stayed quiet, his jaw clenching. A dark vortex swirled into the pit of his stomach. He knew what it was. It was rage. Pure and undiluted fury. A beast he had been doing his best to tame for years. The anger that he felt. So natural. So repressed, on too many occasions, for so long. Be good, Michael. Be patient. Be decent, no matter what. Turn the other cheek, Mike.

Only, now the idea of someone plotting not against him directly but against the people he loved the most – his woman, his baby–, putting them in danger, possibly staking a claim on their present, their future… All of that hazed his eyes with a red fog. In that very moment, he could barely shake it off but, incredibly, even managed to smile.

“It’s OK, baby. It’s all gonna be OK”.

Sadly, he had no idea how.

He stayed in the shower for what felt a century. Cleaning his body from any trace of paint but also desperately trying to cleanse his mind from those chaotic, erratic thoughts. Michael knew he couldn’t think clearly, like that. And although Lisa had been adamant in her intention of taking care of Lockwood on her own, Michael felt his mind wandering toward possible solutions for what was becoming a bigger and bigger problem. In what was supposed to be the happiest moment of their lives.

How confident and cocky he had been, at the beginning of the IVF treatment, about Lisa’s divorce. After all, it had happened before – Lisa’s husbands had always been nothing but a nuisance, relatively easy to get rid of. He had been so sure that this one, too, would be quick at crawling back into the hole he had come out of, especially after their little conversation at the hospital. Sure, no more slanderous articles or scoops about Lisa had appeared on the tabloids – in that department, Michael had been reasonably efficient. But what about the rest? What about the divorce proceedings? The custody battle? He should have scared the daylights out of dude. But how? He was powerless. Respectable, wealthy, and completely uninfluential. He had mocked Lockwood for being such a feather-weight in the world that counts, but what was he, after all? Wasn’t he just as insignificant? Inconsequential. Despite all his pride, his cockiness, his macho talk, Michael had no power whatsoever.

Under the hot water jet, Michael’s hands closed in fists, and he lowered his head, his entire body stiffening. He was livid.

Power. He had always held it, and he had always tried to use it wisely, magnanimously, but he had never really realized how intoxicating and heady power could be until he had lost it. And now, the absence of it had suddenly become even more burdensome.

No, he had to trust Lisa. He had made that mistake before. Not giving her credit when she deserved it. Well, no more. She was smart, she was shrewd, and she had good lawyers. She would find a way.

He desperately tried to push every dark thought to the back of his mind by clinging to their present. After years of reminiscing old memories, he suddenly had freshest, just as vibrant remembrances to play and replay before his eyes. And what was more incredible than seeing his baby for the first time before he was even born? On that dark screen. During the ultrasound. The way Lisa’s hand had held his. The way he had felt her tremble, lightly, into his grasp. He could tell she was just as overwhelmed as he was.

Reliving that moment made him feel as dazed and stunned – in the most beautiful way – as he had felt that day, in doctor Russell’s studio.

“OK… The baby’s weight and dimensions are perfectly normal. He’s basically about as big as a mango… and about the length of a banana”. Doctor Bianca Russell smiled at Lisa and Michael.

“I’ve read that the high-frequency sound waves used in ultrasounds are similar to the echolocation used by bats, whales, and dolphins,” Michael chimed in, his voice slightly higher than usual. He was nervous and excited, and Lisa knew it. She just reached out with her free hand and rested it on his cheek for a short moment.

Doctor Russell bestowed on him one of her reassuring smiles. She was about 35, fairly attractive but in a very maternal, inconspicuous way, with her round reading glasses and the long, curly red hair.

“Yes, indeed. Pretty amazing, huh?”.

“Yeah… Amazing”. Michael swallowed and stared at the computer monitor, all the while holding Lisa’s hand tighter.

“Alright… So… for starters I can confirm what we already knew… It’s a baby boy. See? The genital area can be clearly seen… This little guy over here doesn’t look shy at all”.

Lisa smiled.

“Like I said, his growth rate is what we expect it to be, there’s no ectopic pregnancy or anything out of the ordinary…”, the doctor turned to Lisa. “…Did you know that, at this point, he can hear your voice much more clearly? And at some point, later this month he may be even able to make out Ethan’s voice, too…”.

Michael shifted in his chair, in excitement.

“This is a very happy moment in your pregnancy because you have the opportunity to communicate with the baby… soothe him with caresses, know if he’s content or not… Talking, reading and singing to him is another great way to start bonding before he’s even born…”.

“We’ve already started… ah, doing that”. Michael cleared his throat.

“Yeah, he especially has been doing that since the first trimester…”, Lisa turned to him briefly, giving him the sweetest look.

“That’s great! Such a dedicated dad…”, the doctor turned to the screen. “…Anyway, the baby still has lots of growing to do, but he’s starting to look much more like a newborn. In fact, he’s probably already started doing several things inside the womb, such as hiccupping, blowing bubbles, yawning… Usually, by the fifth month of pregnancy, the tiny humans lead a rather curious pre-natal existence… they open their eyes a little, blink, suck on their thumb, move and kick their legs when they don’t like something… Soon your little one will be getting stronger and believe me, you may find that he can pack quite a punch!”. Doctor Russell chuckled. “You’ll start noticing a pattern to his movements, as he goes through phases of sleeping and waking.”

She paused and moved the transducer probe on Lisa’s belly.

“What’s especially interesting about this stage of the pregnancy is that the baby is working on his five senses… they are all developing in his brain which, so far, has grown about 10 billion nerve cells. Even his taste buds are developing, now….”.

She pointed at the monitor.

“See? His brain, spine, and heart… everything looks normal. We can also see that his arms and legs are now in the right proportion to the rest of his body… You just have to pay attention to the little flutters as he wiggles inside… but since you’ve already had kids, I’m sure you’ll recognize your baby’s movements”.

“I think I’m quite an expert at this point.” Lisa rested her hand on her forehead. She might have been an expert when it came to parenting, but the feelings she was experiencing now were entirely new. What she was watching on the monitor was hers and Michael’s baby. She thought she was ready for that overwhelming feeling of completeness, but the truth was, she wasn’t. And whole was precisely how she felt. No more barren, dead spots were soiling her spirit. They were gone, pulverized. It was all good.

“Can we have some prints of the scan?”. Michael got up but kept holding Lisa’s hand. Lisa could see his body shake slightly, but his voice now sounded collected. Performer in action.

“Of course! They’ll be the first pictures of your son”.

Lisa stepped into the bedroom wrapped in a red satin robe, her hair down on the shoulders and Michael raised his eyes from his tablet. He was already in bed, waiting for her.

It was around midnight, and for a while, he had Lisa had been chilling in the living room, in front of the fireplace, after reading the twins a bedtime story and tucking them in. After some TV and cuddling, they had merely decided to go to bed, and Lisa had taken her time in the shower as Michael played some online games.

“Whatcha doing baby? Watching some porn?”. Lisa wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and he laughed.

“You have a one-track mind, lady.” He pulled the sheets back for her, and she sat down. “But no. Why should I watch porn when I have what I want in my bed?”.

“That’s the perfect answer.” She rested on her side, and he immediately spooned her from behind. Leaning up on his elbow, he placed the tablet on her nightstand and removed his reading glasses.

“You OK, baby?”. He bent his head and kissed her neck, and she scooted back, looking for more contact, more warmth.

“Yeah… I just… I don’t know, my mind just can’t stop reeling with all kinds of bullshit”.

“I am sorry that phone call has ruined your mood.” From his privileged point of view, Michael could observe intently even the tiniest change in her expression. Lisa was staring into space.

“It’s not that, Michael. I mean… it’s not just that. You know how it goes… one thought leads to another and before you even know it, you’re summarizing all your life in your mind, and everything you have said or done in the last twenty years”.

“I know exactly how it goes…”. He kept his voice low and even, silently encouraging her to keep talking.

She stayed quiet for a long time. Then she took his hand and placed it against her chest, holding it to her.

“Remember when you told me you didn’t have any relationships during… you know, before moving to Scotland?”.

“I do…”.

“Is it true, Michael?”. Lisa turned her head slightly and stared at him with those clear blue eyes. “Not a single woman for seven years straight?”.

He inhaled, deeply.

“I met a woman once, in a club. One night. I don’t even know why I was there… probably I just wanted to see if my cover really worked. And… Lise, why are we talking about this, again?”. His brow furrowed, and he watched her with a slightly worried look.

“Don’t worry about it… Just… go on”. She kept holding his hand. Good sign. She wasn’t mad, at least.

Michael bit his lip.

“Nothing, we just had a couple of drinks and then she told me that, you know, she… well, she was a first class escort and… If I wanted, she could spend the night with me”.

“When did it happen?”. Her voice was calm.

“In 2012, 2013 maybe… does it matter?”.

She gave him a crooked smirk that didn’t really reach her eyes and pinched his chest slightly.

“Yeah well, if you fucked a skank right before moving to Peterhead, I’d like to know, thank you…”.

Michael captured her hand and kissed her fingers.

“I didn’t fuck no skank. Not right before seeing you again… and not back then”.

“What happened, then, after you… ah, flirted?”.

He just grinned.

“We walked to my car and… yeah well, we kissed… but the moment she touched me, I realized that… I just… I wasn’t up to it. I didn’t wanna do it. So I just went back home… alone”.

Lisa’s eyes lowered.

“Why didn’t you do it? You were so lonely… maybe you just needed some company”.

“Yeah… but that was not the company I needed… or wanted”.

She inhaled and exhaled slowly.

“See… I wish I were as brave as you are. You always had the courage of your convictions. You’re always coherent. I admire that, in you”.

“You are very brave, Lise… Always have been”, he touched her chin gently, forcing her to look at him. He was met by azure eyes that suddenly were a little too shiny to not be fighting against tears.

“Not as much as I’d like. And I haven’t been brave all the time, anyway… you know that. You must know what I am talking about”.

He did. She was talking about their darkest, ugliest moment as – a couple? Lovers? Fuck buddies? Friends with benefits? Michael didn’t have a definition for what they had managed to mold into, through the years. The only thing he knew was that he had so desperately tried to stop loving her, at one point, and that he had failed miserably.

“I know I had reasons for all my choices. But I also know they were the wrong reasons for some critical choices. I also know that I’ve loved you all along. And that, somehow, makes me a hypocrite”.

“I would never call you that.”

“But you did, at one point…”. She smiled at him, a somber smile. “…And you were right. Take my last marriage… it had been disintegrating for a long time. I should have put an end to it sooner. No, wait, scratch that… It shouldn’t have even happened in the first place. Its foundations were fallacious anyway. And look at me now…”.

She made a poignant pause.

“…You came back, and you had to pick up the pieces of what was left of me… Because of my decisions”.

“Because of our decisions, Lise. It takes two to tango. We’re equally responsible for everything that has happened”.

“But are we, really? Equally responsible, that is?”. She turned to him, resting on her back. Her hands covered her belly.

Michael blinked, looking up at the ceiling as if he hoped to find the right words there.

“For a long time, I thought it was all on you. But then… You know, seven years is a long-ass time to think things through… and I came to realize that I, too, had done my fair share of damage. We both did. It was like a tug of war for such a long time, Lise… sometimes I wonder how we were able to survive that… still loving one another like we do”.

“That’s not what surprises me, really. You never really gave me a solid reason to stop loving you… If I think about it… I mean, if I truly think about it, I realize that I’m more amazed at the fact that you decided to give me… us… another chance”.

Michael frowned.

“Are you for real?”.

“Yeah… Why did you do that? Why did you trust me… again?”.

That was a good question and, for a moment, Michael didn’t know what to say.

“It’s not that I had stopped trusting you. I knew why you left at one point. I guess… I just felt it was the right thing to do. I mean, I know I’ve changed, and I could see you had, too. And… I just trusted us. I don’t think it was a rational decision, to come back to you. I told you already. It just felt right… I also think the circumstances are different now. We’re older. We’ve grown wiser. I think we both learned from our mistakes… Plus, I do love you. I really do”.

Lisa licked her lips, hesitantly and he just leaned down, kissing her softly, again and again until she moaned against his mouth. He pulled back.

“Don’t you think we can do better, this time?”. He looked at her, from one eye to the other, carefully studying her reaction.

“I do.” That glimmer of peace and complete honesty into her eyes forced him to exhale a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Then… what’s the matter, baby?”.

“The matter is that today, as I watched you taking care of Harper and Finley while I was busy trying to sort out this heinous divorce, the first thing I thought was that… they should have been ours, Mike. The twins…. And now, I’m just worried, and sad, and scared at what might happen with the custody battle. I’m exhausted. And those thoughts… I just can’t help it, they keep going back to my regret of not having had your kids before… before…”, she frowned and blinked, caressing her belly.

Before Kellan.

Michael’s hand covered hers.

“I should have never left you. I just didn’t know how to keep you… without losing myself in the process”.

Michael sighed.

“But you’re here now, baby. And, in all fairness, you tried again and again after the divorce. For years. But it was my pride, and my reluctant ass, at that point, pushing and pulling you…”.

“No… You tried, too. But some of my choices held you back… Let’s be honest, Mike”.

He snorted.

“Yeah, that too… Those fools you would parade ‘round with, to prove your point… whatever the heck it was… See? It’s not solely on me, or you. We’ve always been in this together. And we’re together now… with a baby on his way. Our baby”.

He scooted down for a moment and kissed her belly and Lisa’s eyes flooded with tears.

“You know what? At first, I wasn’t even worried about getting divorced as quickly as I did the first time, with Danny…”, she raked her fingers through her hair. “…I mean, it’s not that we can get married, anyway, right? So I thought… what’s the big deal… who cares about Lockwood. Michael’s here. The rest doesn’t matter. But now, with this pregnancy, which is the most beautiful thing that has happened to me, together with having you again… I mean, now things gotta speed up”.

Michael’s face stayed calm, but he didn’t miss the slight, involuntary jab. Lisa had noticed that he hadn’t given her the ring back, yet. And she was probably wondering if he had forgotten all about it because of the pregnancy. At the same time, Michael knew that she was acutely aware of his elephant memory. Only, right now he couldn’t give her any confirmation. Not about that. They had something else to fix, first. One thing at a time. The ring – and what Michael intended to bring with it – would have to wait for a little while.

“You know…”, Michael interlaced his fingers with hers, “…I don’t think I’ve ever told you before but, after we divorced, and despite my doubts about us being able to work things out for real… I hoped I could get you pregnant. I am not even sure if it was rational thinking or not, back then. I just know that sometimes, while I made love to you and we weren’t using protection, I just… You have no idea how many times I found myself watching you sleep, afterward, praying that…”. His words trailed off, and he just shook his head, lightly.

Oh, they had been inconstant at best, when it came to contraception, in their long on and off years after the divorce. Their encounters always running hot and wild, sex-crazed moments spent fucking in cars, hotel rooms, his place, her place, airplanes, restaurant bathrooms, dressing rooms, wherever, really. It had been pure lunacy. They had left a trace of their passion almost in every corner of the world. Condoms were often optional. Lisa wasn’t always on the pill. And they loved to go bareback, anyway. Something they usually didn’t allow with any other partner. They had never really talked about the matter, but they both had thought it was all about the craziness of those moments. How can you rationally think about sheathing yourself when there’s no blood left in your brain? When the mere presence of that other person is enough to make you lose your head? They had been irresponsible, to say the least. Countless times. And yet no baby had come. It had felt so predestined… in the worst possible way.

“I get it now…”. Lisa traced the back of Michael’s hand with her fingertips, her eyes low and pensive. “I realize now that I should have told you – when we were still married. I should have been clearer, adamant really… that it wasn’t that I didn’t want your babies, period. I just wanted to wait, because I had doubts. Because I felt insecure, and at one point I was starting to think that we were pretty much fucked…”.

She looked up at him.

“But I wasn’t, was I? Clear, that is. When I tried to touch the subject –“.

“I know I pressured you, Lisa. I know I did”.

“Yes but, still… You didn’t understand what I meant, did you? At one point I know I just shut you out, I know I walled up. At one point it was just, no, I don’t want this. It almost became a matter of principle. While what I really meant was – I want this if we can work things through. So, let’s just work things through”.

Michael’s face stayed unreadable. His obsidian black eyes bore into hers.

“And just to be completely honest… I, too, hoped you could get me pregnant. And at the same time, I was so scared that, if it happened, you’d be back with me just because of the baby… because sure as fuck I didn’t know if you wanted me back or not, or to what extent, at least…”.

That hurt and Michael closed his eyes for a moment, trying to hide the pain. He knew he had made her feel disposable at one point. But the truth was, she had always been indispensable to him. He loved her. And yet he had punished her somehow, at times. Irrationally. Just like she had done. They were so similar, in so many aspects… and yet different enough to create a void, between them, that sometimes seemed impossible to fill.

“If you had gotten pregnant with my baby, back then… Lise, I swear to god, I would have left everything and come back to you, one hundred percent. And not just because of the baby… because of us. Because you gotta know, you were always all I wanted. A family with you. Our family. A normal life”.

This time the tears came and Michael reached over, wiping them off her face, gently, with the back of his fingers.

Lisa chuckled, dryly.

“What a messed up, fucked up, motherfucking situation, Mike…”, she took his hand and kissed it, blinking the tears away and sighing. “…Now that we’re finally on the same page, the ghosts of my past are trying to get a hold of us, somehow. I guess it just never ends, huh?”.

He moved his hand to the back of her head.

“Come here…”.

Pulling her closer, he rested his forehead against hers for a moment, staring into her eyes and then kissed her, hoping to convey all the words that had remained frozen into his heart.

Lisa leaned back, and he moved diagonally over her upper torso, paying attention to not weigh on her, his hand in her hair now, as her fingers reached down and under his t-shirt, finding his warm skin, caressing his back, his sides. As they kept kissing, he slowly untied the belt of her robe, needing to feel her, all of her, skin on skin.

So many emotions were running through him. Some of them were white and pure – like the happiness of having her into his arms, of the life they were building – some were pitch black – like the rage he had so valiantly fought against, a few hours earlier. It was back in full force, now, and he turned it into hot kisses on Lisa’s skin, his lips and tongue tracing a path from her mouth to her neck, to her collarbone, to her nipples, as his hand reached her in between her legs, finding her scorching hot, wet already. Lisa’s body arched, offering itself to his ministrations, and he kneeled up in between her legs for a moment, his breath already erratic. Staring at her, his lips slightly parted, his brow furrowed, he took off his shirt just as she removed her robe, just lying there, naked and exposed to him.

Oh, his rational mind – or what was left of it, anyway – was reeling. But now he had to push any rational thought aside.

Reaching down and in between Lisa’s legs, he kissed her beautiful, firm thighs and moved up slowly, her hands on his head and her uneven breathing edging him on further. He bit down on her skin, and she moaned, her fingers gripping his hair now as she gently pulled, urging him to take her the way she wanted.

And he did. As his mouth closed on her quivering sex, Lisa let out another moan that sounded like a sob and her head fell back into the pillow. Her eyes closed and her lips parted. Her lower body jerked and spasmed against his lips and tongue, against his fingers probing her, priming her for what would come next.

“Fucking shit…”. Her voice was throaty, and he eased up a little, giving her time to catch her breath, but keeping her on the verge of her climax. “…Come on, baby…”.

“Don’t beg… You’ll get exactly what you want, you know that…”.

“Then why are you stopping…”.

His kisses moved up and became gentler when they reached her belly. He framed it with both hands and just stood there for a moment, closing his eyes, the preciousness of their baby illuminating him from the inside, chasing the fury away, at least for the time being.

“Michael…”.

He heard her call him and looked up. Her eyes were glazed over, heavy with lust and need.

“You gotta help me out, here, daddy… Stop giving me a hard time”.

He couldn’t avoid a chuckle.

“Alright… what is it that you want, baby girl?”.

All the while, he rolled over on his back and pulled down his pajama pants and underwear, tossing them on the floor carelessly. Lisa’s eyes flew down, and his penis almost jumped under her scorching hot gaze.

“Well…”, she cocked her head to a side. “I see how hard you are, already… I’m sure that thing cannot be that comfortable… so why don’t we…”, she pulled him closer, and they kissed, again, “…just… you know…”.

“No, I don’t…. why don’t you tell me?”.

She backed off slightly, just enough to focus on his eyes.

“Why don’t you just fuck me senseless, Mike…”. Her finger traced his lips. “…I know you’ve been holding back, I feel it. And there’s no need to. You aren’t gonna hurt me. Why don’t you just let yourself go… I don’t want you to hold back…”.

“You sure you can take it, Lise?”.

She replied with a kiss that rendered him so dizzy that the entire room started to spin, and he just let go. Lisa was right – he had been holding back. He was so turned on by her pregnant body, but at the same time, he wasn’t sure he could be as rough as he happened to be, at times. And although he wasn’t going for the hardcore fucking, right now, he sure as hell realized that he could do something more than merely let her ride him into heaven.

He took her with all the intensity he felt whenever she was near, and he could smell her, taste her, see her up close. He made her come with his mouth and fingers and then moved up, taking his time to worship her breasts, now even fuller than before, knowing well that they were extra-sensitive and that she loved it, when he was a bit gruff, his tongue sweeping in and stroking her, his teeth biting down, making her yelp and shiver.

He allowed himself to come into her mouth once, just to take the edge off, and just because if Lisa decided to get him off, there was only so much he could do to control himself before losing it.

After making him lose his mind that way, she snuggled against his chest, and they kissed for what seemed forever and, after a little while, just like that, he was ready again.

Lisa sat astride him and pushed down, purring in pleasure, her hands on his chest as she lowered onto him and took him into her tight warmth, finally. Michael’s eyes widened, and he winced as he finally hit home. God, she was even tighter than usual – and that said a lot. And the mere image of her sitting up on him and arching back a little, her long hair caressing his legs, her beautiful neck exposed, the look of pure rapture on her gorgeous face – it all almost made a number on him. He was about to come and hadn’t even started moving, yet. Exerting maximum control over himself, he sat up and cupped her ass with both hands, slightly lifting her from his body, then surged up, thrusting into her.

“Fuck!”.

Lisa clung to his shoulder and bit down on his neck. It felt almost painful, and yet Michael barely registered it, his entire body tensing, his dick on fire. He started to move, and she responded to each stroke, to each drag in and out of her.

Tossing his head when sweat started to cloud his vision, loving the feeling of her tongue swirling on his neck, he kept taking her like that until she began to spasm and tremble into his arms. This time, he didn’t ease off and instead kept going, making her pleasure last until the last aftershock of her climax took her away. Then, after a couple of seconds of complete stillness, his movements picked up again as he gritted his teeth, trying hard not to lose his load there and then as she came again – hiding her face in the crook of his neck to muffle her cries.

Lisa rolled off his body, slowly, and lay down on her back, her chest rising and falling in quick gasps. She was breathless, her ears buzzing, the pleasure too intense. She watched as Michael got off the bed and stood up straight, his body glistening in the moonlight. He wiped off the sweat from his forehead and took in a deep breath, staring at her with those dark eyes that looked like burning embers. There he was – the god of her Olympus.

“You OK, baby girl?”.

She just swallowed and nodded, her senses coming back to life as he reached down and stroked himself for a moment, very slowly.

“Think you can handle more?”.

He rotated his head over his shoulders, and she shivered in anticipation. Her eyes glanced down at his massive, rock-hard erection.

“You kidding me? I ain’t gonna leave you like that, daddy… bring it on… gimme some more of that thing”.

Michael smirked, shaking his head lightly. He could be good – but Lisa always took whatever he had to give. That had always been their salvation. That had always been their damnation.

He walked around the bed, stopping at her side.

“Come here then… lie on your back, on the edge of the bed… Bend your knees, feet on the edge… Put those pillows under your ass…”.

She immediately complied, loving to see his domineering side emerge once again. She wasn’t sure Michael knew what it did to her.

He stood there facing her and reached down for himself, again, his movements slow and controlled, his eyes never leaving hers. Lisa didn’t know where to look. He loved when their eyes locked, but watching him take care of himself had always been an immense turn on.

“This position is perfect, baby…”. She spoke with that Southern drawl she knew he adored. “…Was it in one of your books?”.

“Open your legs, baby girl…”. He stepped closer, his hands resting on her knees. “I won’t be resting my body weight on you, but I guarantee you, Lise… you’ll feel everything else”.

Without even needing to guide himself to her center, as aroused as he was he just slid into her body once again, and she cursed under her breath.

His steady, dragged strokes swept her away almost immediately, and her internal muscles clenched down on him, making him moan out loud. Oh, he did have power over her. But so did she. They had always been equals.

“There you go… come on, Mike… let me feel it…”.

His thrusts intensified, and she gripped the sheets.

“Oh yeah… that’s it… fuck me harder, baby…”.

He rested his hands on the mattress as he gave her a minute or two of wild pounding, then bent his head and captured her lips, slowing down his movements.

“Damn, girl… You gonna kill me one of these days… shit”.

“Fucking hell…”, whispering some other unintelligible words, Lisa grabbed his head and pulled him down, kissing him wildly again, telling him how much he loved him, so many times that she lost count.

It was right then that his body started to tense. Michael started to moan and sob and bucked wildly into her as she clamped down on him one last time. As much as he tried his best to control himself, she effectively managed to force his release, and he took her hands, pinning them on the bed, above her head, as his hips ground and swiveled into Lisa, triggering another orgasm into her body. They stayed together throughout it all, their eyes open and connected, their words of love and definitive abandon a balm for their tattered, bruised souls.

When Michael finally climbed back into bed and held her tight, his sweaty chest against her back, spooning her, she turned her face just enough to meet his lips, and they kissed for the longest time.

“I love you…”, she whispered against his lips.

He backed off slightly.

“I love you too, so much.”

He took a deep breath and rested his head on the pillow, smelling her hair, their fingers interlaced over her belly.

Silence fell in the room, and Michael heard Lisa’s breathing getting deeper and regular. He was almost drifting off himself when she giggled, very softly.

She pressed his hands against her belly and kept them there.

“You feel that?”. Her voice was heavy with sleep.

Michael lifted his head and glanced down at her. Her eyes were closed, and she was smiling.

“He’s moving…”.

All senses suddenly alert, Michael spread his fingers on Lisa’s belly and felt it. The baby was kicking.

“Hey, Kellan…”, Lisa whispered, her words dragged. “…Say hi to your gorgeous daddy… We love you so much…”.

Michael smiled and swallowed back tears.

Wearing only his black robe, feet naked, hair wild, Michael walked over to the bar and poured himself a drink. He was in his studio, and everything was quiet, the entire mansion completely still.

He was tired, exhausted really, by the intensity of their lovemaking, but there was something he needed to do, before going back to bed and snuggling against Lisa who, hopefully, hadn’t heard him leave the room.

He had made up his mind.

Lisa was right – whatever ghosts weren’t leaving them alone now, they needed to be pushed back to the past they belonged to. And although Michael undoubtedly wasn’t the heavyweight he once had been, he still could do something.

He needed to protect Lisa, and he needed to protect their baby. His family – he had almost lost everything before realizing that he could somehow take back what was rightfully his. No way he was going to stay on the sidelines as the worst possible scenario threatened to become a real thing. Not a chance in the world he was going to be helpless when it came to what he had to gain… or lose.

Lisa had told him that he was brave. He hadn’t thought about himself in those terms in a very long time, and yet her words had stirred something inside of him. Something primal he thought had been beaten to a pulp, too injured to fight another round of the perpetual match that, apparently, his life was.

He hadn’t been with Lisa when she had almost died because of her accident – an accident that he could have prevented, even avoided. Maybe she thought that seeing her in a coma, in a hospital bed, waiting to find out if her head trauma had scarred her forever hadn’t left any trace in him. But it wasn’t true. In those frantic days, Michael had realized what it felt like, to see someone he loved cold and still and unresponsive. A part of him had feared that Lisa would have died.

But she had survived.

And she needed some help, now, whether she realized it or not. Michael wasn’t gonna wait for any manna from heaven, at this point.

He sat at his desk, in front of his laptop and stared at the screen for a long time, until he saw the green light blink at him. Then he started typing.

“Hello, Fahim”

“Hello M. …Saw your email”

“You think we can meet up?”

“When? Busy for a few days”

“Me too. I was thinking – a couple of weeks. Time to arrange everything”.

“Whats the matter”

“Cant talk about it here”

“Personal or professional”

“Personal”

“About you or someone else?”

“Someone I love”

“So you good, all OK”

“All OK”

“K”

“Find me a deal over there, so we can talk about it in person”

“Where?”

“No preferences. You choose the place”

“Oman?”

“Sounds good”

“Alright. I’ll let you know in a couple of days”

“Thank you”

“Anytime, M. Nice to hear from you, by the way”

“Yeah, you too. I try not to bother you guys”

“You never do”.

Chapter song