Contingent – Chapter 3 | Playing a rough game

Chapter 3 | Playing a Rough Game

absence (n.)

“state of not being present,” late 14c., from Old French absence “absence” (14c.), from Latin absentia, abstract noun from absentem (nominative absens), present participle of abesse “be away from, be absent,” from ab “off, away from” (see ab-) + esse “to be” (from PIE root *es- “to be”). Absence makes the heart grow fonder is a line from the song “Isle of Beauty” by English poet and composer Thomas Haynes Bayly (1797-1839).

Los Angeles, May 1996

Michael had to admit, he had been convinced his private meeting with Lisa would have changed things for the better. In all honesty, he thought it could be the beginning of something new and now, over a month later, he realized that he hadn’t really considered that Lisa’s idea of “taking some time” might be a tiny bit different from his.

After seeing her, holding her, almost kissing her – and after telling her that he wasn’t ready to lose her – he had been seriously expecting a shift in her behavior. He thought she would call him and was now more than ready to take her calls. Talk to her. Maybe even see her. Hoping they could get closer emotionally, and possibly start again from there.

Too bad not a single call had come. Not a message, not a letter, no subtle communications through mutual acquaintances, nothing at all. Michael had seriously been taken by surprise by her silence, her absence. This was so not her. As erratic, capricious and reckless as Lisa could be, he had pretty much learned what to expect from her during the years they had been together. As friends first, then as secret lovers, finally as husband and wife. For the first time in months, he wondered if he had been perhaps overly optimistic. Or maybe arrogant was a more fitting term.

Of course, he had not looked for her or called her at all. Partly because he wanted to respect her request to take some time to “get over it,” whatever “it” was, and partly because he still believed she should be the one making the first move. After all, she had started the avalanche! By making his intentions and desires clear to her, during their meeting, Michael felt he had already given away too much, that he had been even too defenseless to potential attacks.

It had been risky. Appearing vulnerable in front of her could later become a threat to his own sanity. And yet he hadn’t been able to help himself. He wanted her to still be part of his life, he wasn’t going to deny that. Not even to her. The idea of her all alone out there generated a series of different, contradictory sensations. Alpha male protectiveness was definitely the most blatant. And then… well. Then there was other stuff.

There was the dreaded jealousy factor. Michael loved to come across as the non-possessive type, but deep down he saw red at the idea of Lisa being with someone else. At the mere mental image of another man touching her, kissing her, making love to her.

And she was well aware of that personality trait of his. She had seen the similarity right away, because she was just the same. Jealousy and possessiveness were hidden beneath a casual, remote surface. But sure as hell he was not going to admit it or serve it to her on a silver platter.

The last four weeks of Michael’s life had been packed, and he had hardly had the chance to feel bored or too tempted to call Lisa. He had finally finished shooting his new short film, and the result was majestic. He had attended Sisterella in Pasadena and had brought Debbie with him. He had received five World Music Awards. He had gone to Europe, took a few days off and relaxed, and then he had come back home to L.A.

And, more than anything else, he had found out that Debbie had finally become pregnant again after that first, unfortunate miscarriage. The IVF procedure had worked. He would soon be a father.

Michael was ecstatic, to say the least. The happiness he felt was so intense that, for days, Lisa had basically disappeared from his brain. It was like being suspended, like floating through clouds of pink cotton candy. Whenever she appeared in the periphery of his mind, he would just push her away. There was no place for her at that very moment. For anyone, really. Yes, he had told her that he still wanted her to be in his life and that was the truth. But the extent of her presence could be minimal, or at least contained. He could decide the scope she was going to have in his existence and, after discovering that his baby was finally on its way, the emotional weight Lisa had over him had become lighter and lighter.

At least for a while.

Then, after feeling high and drunk on emotions for days, he had gently floated back down to Earth among the other common mortals. And his ex-wife had been the first person sticking in his mind.

The news of Debbie’s pregnancy wasn’t public, yet. Frankly, it was not supposed to become food for tabloids at all. But Lisa, just like him, had her ways to find out stuff about him. And Michael, too, could do the same with her. If he wanted to, he always knew where she was, where she went, how she was and what she did.

Michael had asked his people to snoop around a little bit, but nothing unusual had come out, except for the fact that, apparently, Lisa hadn’t kept tabs on him at all for several weeks. Which was so not cool. She hadn’t been dating either – which was good. Well, she had gone to Hawaii with Danny Boy and the kids, she had attended some seminars at her church, but that was pretty much it. Nothing major, really.

Which evoked further questions in Michael’s mind. It was not that she had been too busy to call him! Quite the opposite, in fact! So why hadn’t she called him at all? How could he let her know that he didn’t like her absence if she never got in touch with him?

At the same time, Lisa not calling was now a bit convenient, because Michael still had to find a way to let her know about Debbie’s pregnancy without upsetting her too much. Undoubtedly it was not Lisa’s business, but they were still technically married, and he felt he had to tell her. He owed her that much.

The concept of distance was so different when applied to her. During their marriage, she had nagged him to no end about his need of just being away from everything and everyone – including his wife – from time to time. He had tried to reassure her: he needed solitude, it was necessary for his art and his sanity of mind. He would always come back to her. He would always come back home, because he loved her. Clearly she hadn’t gotten the memo and, after a while, him leaving when their fights became exhausting marathons had become one of her biggest issues. Well, his issue was all about being forced to stay whenever he felt like leaving. How about that?

But again, him leaving had nothing to do with how much he missed her when he was away, or with how much he loved her. Just like now. She had become the one moving farther and farther away from him, and he had to admit – it did hurt to be on the other side of the barricade. The idea of her never coming back. Of her not missing him at all. Of her being better when away from him. Had she felt just like he did now, back then?

As their divorce proceedings went on smoothly, flawlessly, without even having to worry about any prenuptial agreement, Michael started to see Lisa’s point: it was difficult to understand someone, when that someone was not there. Absence, in itself, sometimes qualified as silence.

And at that very moment, the silence of his reflections got interrupted by the phone ringing.

Ha! He knew it! His heart had called out to her and she was getting in touch with him, at last!

He had been lying spread eagle on the bed while staring at the ceiling fan spinning slowly through the dark evening, and now he suddenly rolled to a side and grabbed the cordless from the nightstand.

“Hello?!”

“Whoa there! Where’s the fire?”

“Oh… it’s you. Hey, Dunk…” Michael let himself fall back on the mattress and raked his fingers through his hair.

“Gee, calm down. No need to be so overly ecstatic to hear from your little sister…”

He made a face.

“Sorry. I just thought… Eh, never mind. What’s up?”

“Look, I don’t know how else to say it, so I’m just gonna say it, OK? Just promise you ain’t gonna get mad…”

Michael propped himself up on his elbow.

“Why should I get mad?”

“Because I made a mess…”

“What did you do?” He raised an eyebrow, suspiciously.

“Such a freaking mess…”

“Janet?!”

“I thought she knew, so I just spoke about it casually… I mean, I was maybe a bit careless, but I swear I thought you had told her! So this is basically all your fault, not mine.”

“What the heck are you talking about?”

“Did she whoop your ass yet?”

“Who?” Scrunching his forehead, he sat up. “Are you drunk?”

“No, but I’m surprised. You sound clueless…”

“Because I fucking am!” Now he was getting pissed. So much for staying calm. “Start again, I have no idea what you’re saying.”

He heard Janet take a deep breath.

“OK, so, I called Lisa… because she’s my friend and apparently, my dickhead of a brother thinks it’s fair just to ignore her…”

Michael rolled his eyes.

“I’m not ignoring her.”

“Ah, yes you are. Anyway… I just wanted to know how she was. And she sounded a bit… off… And somber, you know? So I told her that it’s not that you and that other lady did the nasty or anything. That it was a medical procedure, all very aseptic, and that your friend’s pregnancy has nothing to do with you still being in love with her… Her being Lisa, that is.”

He blinked his eyelids, very rapidly, as an icy shiver ran down his spine and his limbs went numb.

“What did you tell her?! What the fuck?!”

His voice sounded a bit higher than usual. Also, it was a rhetorical question. But he couldn’t bring himself to say anything else right now.

“I might have kinda taken for granted that she knew about Debbie’s pregnancy.”

“You might have taken it for granted?” He couldn’t believe his ears.

“Yeah! And you know why? Because Lisa’s still technically your wife! And excuse me, Michael, if I thought she would be the first person you were gonna call after finding out you gonna have a kid with another woman!”

He had to close his eyes for a second, as the room started to spin.

“OK – so you told Lisa about Debbie’s pregnancy.”

“Well no, technically, I didn’t. But she kinda-sorta figured out all by herself after a little while, I guess…”

“You don’t say…”

“I told you, Mike. I thought she knew. I mean – I do, mother does, why shouldn’t she?”

Why, indeed? Because he was still wrapping his head around the best way to tell her, that was why.

“You did make a mess, Janet. Like… A huge fucking mess! I was just trying to, you know… find the right moment to talk to her.”

“I could say that I’m sorry, and I am, a little bit, but I just think it’s a bit unfair that she wasn’t in the loop. You guys are only separated, at least for now. But at this point, I really can’t see her holding back… she might run for the hills. I mean… why shouldn’t she? I know I would freak out.”

“Thanks a lot.” He had to lie down, and he did. The palm of his hand covered his eyes.

“You’re welcome. So, I thought you had to know that she knows…”

Getting mad at Janet was pointless. And given the circumstances, he’d better save his energy for the moment he’d have to face Lisa.

“That was very… generous of you. Look, I gotta go, OK? Next time you call me, do it ‘cause you have some good news.”

“You know what, Mike? Sometimes it’s up to us to create good news. So behave.”

Fucking hell.

It didn’t matter how long Michael had postponed his call to Lisa, or how much he had wanted her to be the one making the first move. At this point, thanks to his sister’s senseless blabbering, it had to be done. Sadly, this time he felt very much disadvantaged in terms of communication: he had no idea how Lisa would react the moment he called her.

The great enigma. The absolute unknown.

Given his previous experiences and his knowledge of his soon-to-be ex-wife, Michael was pretty sure a screaming match would be on the agenda. She probably had been bottling up nicely for quite a while now and was ready to explode, tearing him up in the process. There was only a very tiny part of him believing that he did deserve her rage. Mainly he thought that Lisa getting mad at him for Debbie’s pregnancy would be uncalled for and unfair. It was not that she wasn’t aware of his plan, after all.

Well, Michael, maybe the timing is not perfect, you know? Maybe you could have waited for a little while still. Maybe you’re just showing her that once you make a decision, you don’t give a flying fuck about who’s going to get hurt in the process.

Yeah, or maybe not. Maybe he was simply approaching his 40 and felt that any day gone without reaching his goal was a wasted day. Things always had multiple points of view, after all.

Putting all this aside for a moment, he had planned to let Lisa know about Debbie’s pregnancy before the start of his tour, which was scheduled in about a month. He would have easily waited another few weeks, but at this point he had to hurry up. If he tried to speak to her now, maybe they’d have a bit of time to patch things up before he left for Brunei.

Do you really believe she’s gonna be around for you, after the shit you just pulled?

Yeah, so? Why wouldn’t she? She knew he loved her! She knew the deal! Why couldn’t he just have it all? He had relieved her from the burden of having his kids but hadn’t stopped wanting her in the process. No matter how hard and collected he tried to look on the outside. The truth was that just like she had been hurt by their breakup, so had he. It wasn’t cool to know that your wife didn’t want to give you kids right away. Or maybe ever. The whole matter was still kind of smoky in his head, but the result didn’t really change, did it?

Despite his cockiness, it took Michael about a couple of hours to muster the right amount of self-control to call her. And when the phone rang, he was pretty sure she was not going to pick it up at all. Once again, the unpredictable happened: he was wrong. Lisa picked up right away.

“Hello?”

Her voice sounded calm and casual, and Michael froze for a moment.

“Lise?”

A pause.

“Oh. Hey. How are you?”

His eyebrows sprung up in surprise.

“I’m… OK. How are you?”

“I’m fine, thanks. What’s up?”

He had been pacing back and forth in his studio but now felt the need to stay still for a moment. He sat at his desk and placed his free hand, palm flat, on the smooth surface. His dark eyes stared into space. How could he approach the subject properly?

Oh, fuck it…

“Janet called me, and told me about the last conversation she had with you.”

Silence.

“And… I just wanted to say that it wasn’t supposed to go down like that. I was going to tell you. I was just waiting for the right… moment.”

“I understand.”

Flat. Colorless. Remote. Whatever small progress they had made during their private meeting was gone. He realized that they were now moving back instead of forward, and that maybe Janet was right. Lisa could run for the hills now. And for the first time since they had fallen in love, Michael wasn’t sure he would be able to stop her.

“I don’t know if you do. But I am sorry you had to find out about it like that. I should have been the one talking to you.”

“You probably should have, but the point is that it’s really not important, you know? I mean… it’s your life, Mike, not mine. Your business. It doesn’t concern me anymore.”

He exhaled a shaky breath, but his face remained remarkably calm. Almost as calm as the voice at the other end of the line.

“So you’re telling me that it’s all good?”

“I’m telling you, congratulations. To you and Miss Rowe.”

His eyes closed and he leaned back into his seat. They were drifting apart for real. Whatever door had been at least ajar up until that point, was closing. He wasn’t sure he had the key to open it again. And the rough game they had been playing – no matter how gruff it could be, Michael had underestimated it. He had underestimated its long-term consequences. And its domino effect.

“You sound like you don’t care, Lise.” The words came out more bitter than intended.

“It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just none of my business. But I do hope you’re happy. I mean, I know it’s what you wanted… and I’m genuinely happy for you.”

He hoped to hear sarcasm in her tone, but there wasn’t any. In fact, there wasn’t absolutely anything that her voice conveyed. Nothing but set phrases and prosaic honesty.

“OK… thank you.”

“I appreciate you stepping forward, though. You didn’t have to.” Another minute of awkward silence and he remembered, suddenly, how many silent phone calls they had shared when they were still stable and peaceful in their relationship. Comfortable silence. So different from the one that now sounded deafening in his ears.

“Anyway… since we’re talking, Michael, I do have a spoiler for you too. In fact, I would have called you to tell you. And no, I’m not talking about Debbie.”

“No? About what, then?”

“Well, rumor has it that Chandler is gonna try to sue us both… and that it’s gonna be about our interview with Sawyer.”

Michael opened his eyes and sat up, scrunching his forehead.

“What? Who told you that?”

“I have my ways…”

“I didn’t hear anything about it. Maybe you’re wrong.”

He heard her sneer.

“Yeah, maybe I am. Or maybe not. But you know me… I wouldn’t tell you if I thought it was bullshit. Especially now. And to be honest, Michael… I’m sorry… I think you should have the right to focus on the positive things that have been happening in your life. But the word is going ’round that we’re gonna be notified in a few days.”

“Shit… for real?”

“Well… So it seems. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

He started biting his bottom lip and stopped only when he tasted blood. His mind began to float away. Darkness was enveloping it. Fear was grappling him. Memories of humiliation and disgust flooding his senses. Trauma. Post-traumatic stress disorder. He winched, then shivered.

And Lisa sensed it. It wasn’t that surprising. She had been there with him through the whole nightmare. She had held him while he cried and trembled. She had whispered her love in his ear when he needed reassurance. She had told him, again and again, that everything would be alright eventually, and that he was not alone. She was there with him.

And she had been. Day after day.

“Michael?”

“What…”

“You know what? I think we should celebrate.”

He had to scoff.

“The heck you’re talking about, babygirl…” He bit his tongue. Shit. He wasn’t supposed to call her that. Not anymore.

However, she was good at ignoring his term of endearment.

“I totally mean it. His sorry ass can no longer hurt you, Mike. Whatever shit he pulls, it’s gonna get nowhere. Pathetic, ridiculous clown. That’s why we should be celebrating… because he’s gonna fail.”

His lips curved in a sad smile. Only Lisa had the power to comfort him, to be the safe ground he could land onto when he felt he was flying out of control, engines burning, no parachutes on board.

“You really think so?”

“Hell, yeah!”

This time he laughed, albeit tiredly.

“Alright, Miss Presley… let’s celebrate us getting sued, then. Any ideas?”

“Not really. But I’m open to anything.”

Those words stirred something in his heart. And also something in other regions located more south. He shook his head. He doubted he was going to overcome his attraction for his wife anytime soon.

“OK then, I’m in charge of our celebrations.” He sighed in the receiver, then he turned serious. “You sure about that, Lise? …You sure you wanna see me?”

“Of course. We’re supposed to be friends, right? Plus, we’re in this together now.”

“Yeah… and I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry you got caught in this mess…”

He wasn’t only sorry. He was livid.

“It’s fine. There are worse things in life, you know?”

Right. Like having your husband moving on and having a kid before your divorce is final, maybe. Michael swallowed.

“Let me think about what I can do to get this party started… And then I’ll let you know.”

“Yeah. You do that.” She chuckled, but it sounded empty. Tired. “Don’t disappoint me, Mike.”

They almost had a first time before she got married to Danny. The useless first husband. But nothing had come out of it for a while. They had stayed friends, and Michael had worked hard to respect the boundaries they had decided to set, together. For their own sanity.

Throughout their friendship, the mutual attraction had always been there, but they had done their best just to ignore it, or pretend it didn’t exist. Or that it was not important in the grand scheme of things. Michael sometimes wondered if Lisa realized, just like he had done back then, that the undeniable chemistry they shared had been the prelude of everything that had come afterward. It was fate. Written in the stars. You could ignore it for a while, but avoiding it forever was impossible.

When things had started to go downhill for Lisa, and it was clear that her marriage wasn’t happy, or fulfilling, or destined to last, slipping into that more-than-friendship thing had been relatively easy.

He still remembered that night. They had gone to town and had been undetected by paparazzi for the whole time, which was quite a miracle in itself. They had talked, and laughed, and taken a walk in complete peace. It had all been so utterly perfect and beautiful. The memory was still so vivid, that Michael felt a pang of longing slice him open, deep down, in that part of his heart that still belonged to Lisa. And that probably would always belong to her.

As they drove back to the ranch, they had laughed like crazy in the backseats of his limo and, at one point – he didn’t remember how it had happened exactly, or who had made the first move – they had shared a kiss. And then another one. And another one.

Slow, gentle, sweet kisses. The burning passion was simmering under the calm surface of their lips touching ever so lightly. He had found himself reclined in the seat, Lisa half on top of him, her lithe, gorgeous body a perfect match for his. It had all felt so right. The scent of her skin and her hair, the texture of her lips, the way she kissed him like it meant something. Something important. The way she had touched his face, her fingertips skimming over his cheeks and jawline, his neck. The initial sweetness had soon turned into something more. Something intense, primal.

At one point, she had taken his hand and rested it on her breast, and his brain had almost short-circuited. All the while, she had started caressing his chest and shoulders through the thin fabric of his shirt. Her hands – magical. And the kissing. Never ending.

Turbulence. They became clouds, mingling, becoming one, generating a storm. When the limo had arrived at the ranch, they were almost at the point of non-return and, in a way, it had felt like a cold shower.

Lisa had backed off slightly, staring right into his eyes, beautiful and breathless, and Michael had watched her as if he had never seen her before.

“I ain’t gonna apologize for this…” She had murmured, as her fingertips gently brushed his lips. He had kissed them, understanding the meaning of her words. She wasn’t sorry. She knew what had just happened was bound to happen. She knew it was time.

Then he had leaned in, kissing her again, more gently this time. Pushing the hurricane of lust aside for a moment.

“Come to my room…” He had studied her face, watching her, from one eye to the other. “Lise… I think…”

“Yeah.” Another breathtaking kiss had followed.

He barely remembered having reached his private quarters. Pouring himself a drink as he waited for her to arrive. Fearing she would leave instead. Realizing that, as right as what they had been doing felt, she was still married to another man. She was a mother. And not caring about it all.

It was a grim moment, but not for a second he thought they were not destined to end up together. And when she had knocked on the door and he had opened it, finding her there, just looking at him with those deep, bright eyes of hers, he had known. It didn’t matter how bad their timing seemed to be, everything would be OK eventually.

She was his. And he was hers.

Michael had taken her hand and gently pulled her closer, and she had wrapped her arms around his neck. Pulling his head down, kissing him again.

“I want you…” He had said, fisting his hand in her long hair. “I want all of you…”

Her head had fallen back, granting him access to her beautiful neck.

“It’ll be complicated…”

“I really don’t care.”

He had felt her grasping the collar of his shirt. He had felt her desire for his skin. The last thing he remembered before falling headfirst into the most intoxicating love he had ever felt, was her low, husky voice, thick with desire.

“Shut the door.”

And now, for the first time since he had met her, as his life took a direction that only included Lisa on the sidelines, Michael wondered if any door to be opened remained.