Push Play – Take 11 | Leitmotif

Take 11 | Leitmotif

Leitmotif

an intentionally-repeated, recurring element or theme associated with a particular person, idea, milieu, or action; the element presents itself as a repeated sound, shot, bit of dialogue, piece of music, etc., that helps unify a film by reminding the viewer of its earlier appearance; sometimes presented along with a film’s tag line on a film poster.

The leitmotif serves films well, both for its denotation of a character, place, etc., and for its emotional connotation.

 

The fucking lighter wasn’t even working and she didn’t have matchsticks. And Lisa really, really needed a smoke right now. Keeping the cigarette between her lips, she tried to make the darn thing work – but to no avail.

“I thought you had quit… Smoking is bad for your health.”

His voice almost gave her a heart attack and she jumped. Closing her eyes for a moment, she braced herself and turned. There he was. Bathed in the ethereal paintbrushes of the moonlight, standing just a few feet away from her – when she had thought he was gone. Because the dinner from hell had finally come to an end and they had said their goodbyes, and she had seen him walk away with his supermodel girlfriend.

But no. There he was. Why was he back? Whatever the reason, there was something in the way the milky light illuminated his pale skin and his dark eyes that made him look almost supernatural, evanescent. Michael was that magical.

“There are other things that are even worse for my health.”

“Like?” His hands in his pockets, he moved closer – in his usual quiet way. He always seemed to walk a feet inches above the ground. Silent and lethal.

Lisa just gave a vague shoulder-shrug and turned her back to him, her eyes fixing on the pool. The water was so blue. The contrast with the white granite pavement almost startling. But better being blinded by that than by the bottomless darkness of his eyes.

They were on the small patio behind the private dining room, and that area of the restaurant was thankfully deserted. As a matter of fact, that was the reason why Lisa had sought refuge there. She needed a moment to decompress, before leaving with Roman – going back home and pretending that everything was perfect, when she felt as if all was crumbling instead. Well… that was an inaccurate statement. Roman was more than fine and was not crumbling at all. She was the only one on the verge of shattering.

And seeing Michael again now made everything worse. She just wanted to go home. But not to Hidden Hills. Someplace else. All of a sudden all she wanted was to be alone for a while. Far away. From everything. Everyone.

“Weren’t you gone, Michael? I thought I saw you leaving.”

“Where’s your boyfriend?” He didn’t even seem to register her question. So unsurprising.

“Talking to someone. One of his associates, I think…”

“You think?” Michael turned and glanced at her, his eyebrow rising. He looked slightly amused. Or maybe he was just bullshitting her. “You’re not sure?”

“I’m not. I don’t know everyone in his life, you know…”

“I see…” He was now standing by her side, and they both stared at the pool for a minute. Then, without even turning, he reached out and gently took the unlit smoke from her fingers. His hand closed in a fist, smashing the cigarette, then opened again. Lisa looked down and saw him clean his hand on his pants. How easy it was for him to do that. Destroy everything… her heart included. Even when he meant no harm.

“You shouldn’t be worrying about me having a smoke every now and then.”

Michael tilted his head. “You’re right. Maybe I should be more worried about you getting married to that imbecile.”

Usually, shit like that would have made her flip out. But not this time. Because Michael was right, and Roman had behaved like a cretin all night. Showing off, being smug and arrogant, kissing her on the lips even when it was clear that she didn’t feel comfortable at all with the PDA. Everything for the benefit of the paparazzi he had noticed standing behind the curtains, near the window. Good for his business, he had whispered in her ear at one point. Lisa had not liked it one bit. But she hadn’t liked how touchy-feely Michael and Zoe had been either, and thinking about it again produced sudden irritation.

“The way I see it, maybe you should concern yourself with your girlfriend and not me. In case you didn’t notice, she had been wanting to play hide the salami with you all night. Maybe it’s time for you to buy her a fucking engagement ring… So she can focus on something else other than your dick.”

“You’re so crass. And vulgar.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she could tell he was trying hard to repress a chuckle. Right… that was another one of their qualities. They always had been good at making each other laugh. Even in the most bitter circumstances. Too bad there was nothing even remotely funny in what was going on.

“Well, you knew that already. So, what the hell do you want? Why are you back?”

“Why are you being so pissy?”

“Bad temper. Don’t you know that by now?”

Michael stayed quiet, as if trying to gather his thoughts. When he replied, once again he did it while ignoring her questions.

“Are you going to marry him for real?”

Oh, hell. No. Just no.

“Why do you even care?”

Every trace of sarcasm disappeared from her voice and she crossed her arms over her chest in a protective gesture, turning to face him. She held her chin high, squared her shoulders. Did her best to look strong and independent, knowing well that he could see right through her.

“I wanna talk to you about what happened at the ranch when…” Michael scrunched his eyebrows and his gaze dropped. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “You know…”

Yeah… It embarrassed him to talk about that.

“You mean when I came looking for you and caught you fucking your supermodel girlfriend? Right after shoving your tongue down my throat and sexing me all up against the wall? In my house?”

“…Yeah… Then.”

Well, at least he was honest. So he had been fucking Lipgloss. Lisa had been right. Too bad she didn’t know if she was supposed to feel happy at her everlasting ability to read him so well, or cry. Or vomit.

“You know what? No need to explain or justify anything. She’s your girlfriend, after all, you have all the right to-”

“It’s not that. It’s just…” He shook his head. “I don’t love her, Lisa. I am not in love with her.” His eyes flew up to her and they were still guarded, she could tell, but there was also an openness in them – like a small breach, a fissure behind the calm facade. Something she had not seen in a while. And something she could walk through, if only she wanted to. But she felt frozen.

“And am I supposed to care? Why? Does it make any difference, Michael? ‘Cause let me tell you, that’s not gonna change anything. Sure as hell it’s not gonna change me. I’m gonna be this way forever. Crass. Vulgar. Insufferable. And short… You know… the woman most of the time you can barely stand…”

He looked hurt – and surprised – by her words.

“That’s an unfair thing to say. You know it ain’t true.”

And she knew he was right. Because he had never said anything like that. Not when things were good, and not even when they had started to go downhill. That was nothing but Lisa’s fear speaking. Because his words had terrified her. Him telling her that he was not in love with Zoe had scared her to death. And Lisa knew why. Because of hope – hope that he was still in love with her, that he still wanted her, just like he had wanted her when she was his wife and even afterward – was the most devastating poison. And she could not afford to drink it. Not now. Not with him. Not again.

“And… are you supposed to care? I don’t know, Lise. You tell me.” He looked at her sternly and set his jaw, moving a step closer. Facing her. Not granting her a way out. Cornering her with his eyes.

“It’s not my business what you do or don’t do. With her. Or anybody else.” She paused. “You and I have been over for a very long time now. A one-night-stand doesn’t change that.”

Realizing just how venomous she had been, Lisa just shook her head, her gaze dropping. The cold breeze of the night made her shiver all of a sudden. Or maybe it wasn’t even about that. She just felt cold inside. And a bit ashamed at her childish attempt to diminish what she knew had been so much more than just a fuck. At least as far as she was concerned.

Michael saw her tremble and looked up at the starry sky, squinting his eyes, then took off his jacket and put it on her shoulders.

“No… Michael, don’t…”

“You’re shaking… Let me…” Of course, her half-hearted protest didn’t deter him at all. His hands ran up and down her back in a comforting gesture, and she felt their warmth emanating through the fabric. And his scent. It was everywhere. “So… you’re telling me you really don’t care? That I am not in love with her, that she is… That what happened… What you saw… Didn’t mean anything… That it meant nothing to me…”

“I don’t think I should.” It was the most honest answer she could give him right now. “I don’t think it makes any difference.”

She glanced up at him, almost afraid of what she would see, and she was right. That hurt look in his eyes again. His face a calm mask. So beautiful. So unattainable. All of a sudden she felt like a distant planet barely skimming his orbit. He was her sun, but she was too often cold. His rays were there, apparently within reach, and yet so far away. She started to shut down, and Michael noticed.

“Lisa… Don’t. Don’t do this. Don’t walk away, girl. Stay. We need to talk.”

She felt her lower body starting to move. She knew her rationale had kicked in and her brain was ordering her legs to take a step back. Her body to turn. Her eyes to stare right ahead as she walked away. Away from him. But that was not what happened. Almost acting out of her control, her feet moved a step in Michael’s direction and she reached up, framing his face with her hands, feeling his slight stubble under her palms, staring at him for a long moment. Getting lost in his eyes. And when his hands too came up, gently grabbing her wrists, and he stepped closer, she pulled his head down to her. Or he moved – she was not sure. And a second later, they were kissing. Slowly at first, their lips searching for answers in a slow, tentative manner, but without the need for any more words. And then with increasing passion and determination.

Lisa was no longer cold. Her sun had pulled her into his orbit and had resumed shining, and he was scorching hot. She still shivered, but it was because his touch reawakened her skin, her nerve endings. Electric shock. Michael’s arms snaked around her waist and he pulled her against him, her body adhering to his. She felt his vibrant, unstoppable essence seep into her. At that very moment, she didn’t care if someone would see them. Because she just stopped thinking and began feeling – once again, just like it had happened at the Hideout days earlier.

And Michael too seemed to be elsewhere.

Within seconds he had pushed her back and against the wall, in a secluded corner, in the darkness, kissing her like a maniac, his hands still holding her by the wrists, his body pressing against her, making her feel how much he wanted this.

This was no good. She had to get away from him. He was way too dangerous, and her defenses were crumbling.

“God… Lise… Lisa, Lisa…” His whispered words against her lips and her hand clung to the back of his neck helplessly. “I want you so damn much… I miss you so bad… You got no idea how much I missed you, girl…”

She missed him too. And she knew she was not supposed to. But right now there was nothing she could do but succumb to this passion. To this otherworldly magic that Michael always was to her.

He let go of her wrists and she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and into her, seeking his mouth, wanting nothing more than to make this moment last forever. He tasted of wine and something else that was uniquely his and that she recognized immediately. His lips tracing a route of kisses from her mouth to her neck, her throat, then up again, toward her ear.

“…And you’re not short. You’re such a gorgeous… perfect… doll. You’re so beautiful…”

Her eyes closed, Lisa smiled and at the same time felt the taste of tears caress her throat.

“Michael…”

“You starting to feel better now, don’t you?” One more kiss and she felt him smile against her lips. “Yeah… Me too…”

She loved him. With all her heart and soul. There was no escape from that feeling. But maybe… maybe, if she was strong enough, she could manage to get away from the man. Allow them both one more chance to start again – with someone else. Another life. An existence that did not involve crashing and burning again and again, caught in that eternal loop, prisoner of a love, a passion that was as wonderful and unforgettable as it was lethal.

Michael’s hand moved down her side, caressed her thigh, then came up again. His fingers closed around her wrist again as if he could sense her inner turmoil and wanted to stop her from leaving. He backed off ever so slightly, his eyes studying her, as her body stiffened for a second. And then he was kissing her again, with renewed abandon.

Lisa’s body melted against him and his grip on her wrist loosened. He interlaced his fingers with hers and brought her hand down, right under his belt, sighing, allowing her to feel how much he wanted her. To what extent. Lisa swallowed, her head falling back, against the wall just as her hand closed on him, felt him pulse and engorge even more through his pants. She was breathless, and for a moment just stared at him, at his flushed face. He looked very much present in the moment but also so far away. Or maybe, far away was just where he wanted to be. And just like that, once again her heart reaffirmed what she already had suspected to be true and had tried so hard to fight all along. She was in love with him. She loved him with everything she was and all she had. And she would die because of it.

“Is it a pity fuck you think I need?” She took a deep breath, getting ready to jump into the void. “’Cause I don’t, Michael.”

Michael blinked, and she heard him hold his breath for a moment. His lower body kept pushing against her hand and she could feel him hard and full under her fingers. Lisa guessed there wasn’t much he could do in that department.

He stayed quiet, just studying her. And yet he didn’t move. That surprised her. Lisa was pretty sure such a crude remark would be enough to make him recoil and shut down because, after all, that had been their routine in the past. What had changed?

“I know what you’re doing…”

“I’m not doing anything.” Once again, she swallowed and did her best to hold his gaze.

Michael narrowed his eyes and his hand came down, covering hers, pressing her palm even harder against his steel. She struggled to keep her eyes open and not drop onto her knees. Just opening his pants and taking him. Loving him. Adoring him. Worshiping him. Having him lose all control and become one with her.

“You feel this? Do you think that’s how I’d react if you were just a pity fuck for me?” He tilted his head. “You make me feel so many things. But pity ain’t one of them. Never has been.”

Lisa tried to withdraw her hand, but he kept holding onto her. Automatically, out of her own volition, her fingers caressed him and he sighed again. She knew she was full of mixed signals and recognized his confusion. But she also knew that he could see right through her. She had always been powerless when they were face to face. She never had been able to hide her feelings from him. Not for long anyway.

“So… What do you want me to do? What do you expect me to do? Drag you into that corner and let you have your way with me? Is that what you want, Michael?” She bit her tongue when she realized she was going to ask him if Zoe was not enough for him. Because he had already told her she didn’t matter. And yet it stung – it hurt to know that he was still with her. That he had chosen another woman instead of…

What a hypocrite you are. As if you weren’t with someone else… As if you too hadn’t made your choices.

Right… And yet she knew why. It was because she was afraid. Lisa was scared shitless. Of being alone, of being abandoned. Of not having any buffer to protect her from Michael. And herself. The realization felt almost startling in its intensity as it was the very first time she acknowledged her new relationship for what it really was. That didn’t mean it would not work out in the end – but it was time to be honest with herself. Being with Roman had nothing to do with love. Love, sincere and profound and all-consuming love was different – and had the eyes of the man standing right in front of her. Deep, dark pools she had at one point thought she would never see again so up-close and personal. So full of desire and something else that still remained unspoken. Their secrets clear, albeit unsaid. Just like that night at the Hideout. When they both had pretended it didn’t really matter, and them making love was just about closure. It hadn’t been about that at all. It had been a rebirth.

Michael grinned.

“Well… I can’t say it wouldn’t be nice…” Feeling her body become once again soft and pliant under his touch, he leaned forward and kissed her. A slow, sweet kiss that Lisa could only reciprocate, her other hand stroking his cheek. Their tongues dancing. “But I need more time…. More of… this. More of you.”

What the hell did he want from her? Why was he torturing her like this?

“Come to our place…” One more kiss, once again his tongue exploring her mouth in slow, tantalizing motions. “Our secret place. Remember? Tonight. I know we can’t stay here. But later… I’ll be waiting for you.”

“And what if I don’t show up?”

He backed off, his face beautiful and serious, holding a gravity she had possibly never seen before.

“And if you don’t show up, I’ll go on without you. Or try to, at least. I will know that’s what you want for yourself… To go on without me. I’ll know you don’t feel what I think you feel. Not anymore.”

She was not wearing the right shoes for this. That was the only thing she could think about, as she walked on the grass, in the middle of the night, after leaving her car near the trail, where his security detail had discretely parked their vehicles. Making sure that nobody would intrude their secret place. Making sure Michael and Lisa could pretend to be just like any other couple, at least for a little bit.

Lisa stopped and removed her shoes, and smiled when a couple of fireflies broke the darkness for a second. She inhaled deeply, taking a moment to reconsider her choice to be there. Knowing well that she would not turn back. Being very much aware of where she wanted and needed to be.

Almost there. Just a few steps, still… A few more seconds before seeing him again. Feeling him again. Possibly for the last time.

He called that place “the sunny hill.” At first, Lisa had laughed at him and his umpteenth nickname for places, things, people, animals. But now it made all the sense in the world. As she glanced around and watched the sunflowers occupying all the space around the small trail marked by little rocks, neatly placed on each side, she realized she and Michael had never given that place the importance it deserved.

The night was warm – just like it had been when Michael had shown her the low hill for the very first time. Before he bought it – in secret – and turned it into a small, secluded paradise covered in yellow flowers. His happy flowers, the only silent witnesses of stolen moments and magical nights.

At first, he thought he had been sneaky. He and Lisa were still dating, back then. She was married and their relationship was still a secret. Nobody knew, and if someone from the press had caught a whiff of what was going on, it was pretty clear that they didn’t care.

Michael had driven his car up there one night, assuring Lisa that they could be alone and pretend it was some sort of “drive-in over the city.” Watching the cityscape from that secluded, privileged point of view had been romantic, and she had felt butterflies take off in her belly. As usual. After a bit, their romantic night out had started to turn into something else, much more passionate – once again, as usual. But then she had spotted a couple of silhouettes shifting in the darkness. People moving, walking closer to their car. She and Michael had panicked and had driven off in a hurry. A few minutes later, the tension finally dissipating, she had laughed her ass off at his flushed cheeks and flustered face, and within seconds he too had started to giggle.

“Stop laughing at me! I thought it was safe!”

“…You’re too much. This is so fucking funny…”

“I swear – I don’t know why there were there, Lise…”

“Michael – there’s no place in the world where you go unnoticed. I’m so sorry to burst your bubble.”

“Well… We’ll see if you’re right or not.”

She was. And he knew it. Just to comfort his hurt pride, she had asked him to park the car somewhere at his ranch, far away from the mansion but still in the perimeter of the property, under a huge tree. And they had made love there, in the backseats, for hours, until the sky had turned pink. But even afterward he had brought up the subject again, telling Lisa that he still thought the hill was a magical place and he was not going to let it go. And so he had bought the whole area through one of his companies. Kept it under the radar, too. Sent gardeners to take care of the clearing on top of the small hill. One year later, he had brought Lisa there one more time. In his sunflowery heaven. And eventually, they had been able to make love there, under a blanket of stars.

And now here she was, again. He knew she remembered.

Closing her eyes for just a moment, Lisa resumed walking, staring down at her feet in the grass. When she looked up again, he was there.

Michael was leaning against his car, his ankles crossed, his body turned toward the trail where he knew she would appear. Once again he was bathed in the moonlight. He still wore the same clothes he had on during dinner and yet looked so different. Tense and happy at the same time. Unguarded. Vulnerable.

She saw him smile and smiled too, shaking her head, stopping for a second. And then she ran in his direction without even realizing what she was doing. Or not caring about it at all.

It happened so quickly that, afterward, she almost had no recollection of it. She only knew that he peeled himself off the car and started walking toward her and then he opened his arms and, a second later, they collided and he picked her up, holding her by the waist, pulling her against his body, holding her tight. One hand cupping his face, the other tangled in his hair, Lisa’s lips met his and Michael spun around, smiling, kissing her and then smiling again. They kept kissing like that for what felt like forever, no inhibitions. Just pure abandon and the comfort of being alone and being completely themselves in the moment.

Their kisses turned heated within minutes and Lisa felt as if she needed to do so much and yet couldn’t focus on her own limbs. Her whole body tingled, buzzed. She had thought they would never be like that again, after what had happened at the Hideout and despite what had transpired at Hidden Hills. How wrong she had been. This was so wrong, and yet felt so right. It was confusing and jarring and magnificent and it was everything she wanted. He was.

Michael seemed to be caught in the same state of disbelief. He backed off just enough to stare at her for a moment, his breath labored and uneasy, and she framed his face with both hands, noticing his eyes shine in the bluish light of the night. His muscles tensed against her body and something inside of her stirred. The heat. She knew what that meant.

“You came…”

“Yeah…”

“We need to talk, Lise…”

His voice sounded hoarse and strained.

Lisa swallowed.

“Not now… Please. Kiss me. Kiss me again.” Her fingertips touched his lips. “Don’t ever stop…”

And he did. More than once. Feeling giddy and almost drunk on her taste, the scent of her skin.

“Ever?”

“…Just…”

“Yeah… Come here, baby girl… Gosh, I missed you. I fucking missed you.”

He moved, and Lisa’s legs locked around his hips. She kept her eyes closed, trusting him completely. Knowing well that he got her and that, when it came to this, there was no other man in the world she could let herself go with. Not this way at least. Michael was all she had ever wanted and everything she feared.

He walked around the car and sat Lisa on the hood, positioning himself between her open legs. Their lips stayed locked the whole time, and there was not an ounce of prudence in the way they were kissing. Even the cautious, tentative touches that had at first accompanied their night together at the Hideout were no longer there. Their movements were still slow, but driven and purposeful, and Michael realized that he and Lisa were both acting as if they had all the time in the world. Something he very well knew they did not have. Something he was willing to put aside, at least for the time being, pretending that nothing existed apart from that night, and that place.

His hands on Lisa’s waist, he let his lips trace a path from her lips to her neck, her naked shoulder, her throat. The scent and taste of her skin were familiar and intoxicating. His heart threatened to explode in his chest. Her head fell back, granting him full access and he bent forward further, kissing her exposed collarbone, his hands moving up, cupping her breasts. He was so turned on that he risked coming in his pants, but could not stop kissing her, not even for a second.

Well… he could only fight fire with fire.

“Touch me again… I need you… I need your hands on me…” His words were whispered against her skin, and Lisa let out something that resembled a stifled sob. Then she reached down, starting to caress him through his pants. His grip on her breasts became more determined and her fingers closed on him. It was too much. And they had not even started yet. Why, oh why, she seemed to be the only woman able to make him feel this way? He could not repress the thought. It happened every time, and it never failed to surprise him.

Michael straightened and threw his head back, his eyes closing, as she kept touching him. One hand still on his crotch, she used the other to unbuckle his belt slowly, unbutton and unzip his pants. He swallowed and waited. When her warm fingers found his hot skin he held his breath, then sighed, his hips automatically pushing against her palm. God…

“Mike… Oh, baby…”

Lisa sounded almost surprised. Why? She always had known the effect she had on him… Or did she? And that term of endearment…

She grabbed him by the lapel of his jacket and pulled him close, kissing him again with renewed vigor, her hand getting naughtier, grabbing him, stroking him.

Oh, shit… He had to do something. He had to regain a bit of self-control.

“Is that what you wanted to do earlier, Lise? At the restaurant…” He nipped at the soft skin of her neck, knowing he would leave a mark. He didn’t care.

“Shit… yeah.”

“I hate seeing you with that fool… You gotta know this, girl…”

Lisa whimpered and held him tighter, making him wince in pleasure. He could tell it took her all her willpower not to say anything in return. That she hated seeing him with any other woman but her. Which, strangely enough, produced great joy all of a sudden. He reveled in the feeling, but kept it to himself. All the while, there was something else he needed to hear.

“Say it, Lise… Tell me…” Raising his head, he leaned his forehead against hers, holding eye contact as she kept caressing him the way she knew he loved. “Say it…”

She blinked and bit her lip, as her hand seemed to keep moving on its own volition. He reciprocated the treatment, reaching down and underneath her dress, between her legs, feeling her liquid heat against his fingers, through the thin fabric of her underwear. Her eyes rolled back in pleasure for a second and she moaned.

“What…”

“You know what… Tell me why you’re here…”

“Because… I wanted to see you…”

He had to smile. She was so stubborn. Incorrigible. But he knew…

Michael gently removed her hand from his body and pulled her closer to him, cradling her perfect ass. Still kissing her, he moved her thong to a side and, when she felt her heel against the small of his back, pulling him into her, he entered her slowly. Moaning, she let go of him and leaned back, on her hands. Her eyes, half-closed and misty, were deep and a weird shade mixing blue e green. Fighting hard to keep control over himself, he stood almost perfectly still, only giving her a few inches of himself, rounding his hips ever so slightly. Lisa sighed, her breath became uneven.

“Say it…”

“Mike…”

“Lise… Princess… I love you…”

His own voice about startled him. It was not supposed to go down this way, he needed her to be the one admitting what he felt so real in his heart, but had not been able to help himself. The words had tumbled out of his mouth just like that. She stared at him and then he saw. He saw the tears in her eyes.

His features softened and he tilted his head.

“It’s true. I do love you. I am in love with you. Still. Always.”

She swallowed and he felt her fear. Her sheer, absolute terror. But also her joy and surprise, buried deep down, somewhere. His hips pushed forward gently, and her head fell back one more time as she struggled to stand as still as she could. However, her lower body moved and her thighs came up, cradling his hips. Michael felt like a conqueror. And she was the land after having been adrift for centuries.

Her silence was unexpected and so unlike her. And despite her eyes telling him so much, for a moment he felt silly and inadequate with his declaration of love. Too late. Too much.

He was still pondering over his next move when she glanced up at the sky for a second, as if she had suddenly realized where she was and what was happening. Then she sat up, and her arms closed around his neck, her fingers tangling in his hair. Her firm, perfect legs pulling him closer until he entered her fully, and he thought he would pass out.

“Oh, damn… I love you, Michael. I love you so fucking much.”