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Take 17 | Mise-en-scène

 

 

Mise-en-scène

When applied to the cinema, mise-en-scène refers to everything that appears before the camera and its arrangement—composition, sets, props, actors, costumes, and lighting.

The “mise-en-scène”, along with the cinematography and editing of a film, influence the verisimilitude or believability of a film in the eyes of its viewers. The various elements of design help express a film’s vision by generating a sense of time and space, as well as setting a mood, and sometimes suggesting a character’s state of mind.

“Mise-en-scène” also includes the composition, which consists of the positioning and movement of actors, as well as objects, in the shot. These are all the areas overseen by the director.

 

 

 

When his phone call with Zoe finally ended, Michael had to deal with a nasty headache. Not because she had yelled or cried over the phone, as she had done none of it. It was probably because of the tension he had been feeling throughout the whole call. But still, the thumping sensation of being hammered from the inside of his skull forced him to take a couple of Advils and lie down for a minute in the darkness of his bedroom, just waiting for the pills to do their thing. He knew very well that there was no other way to do it. To end this thing.

Well… As a matter of fact, he could have met with Zoe and talked to her in person, but that possibility hadn’t even crossed his mind. Not with the feeling of Lisa still pervading his senses. Despite not having seen her at all, the previous night, Michael felt as if she had been all over him. She was still everywhere, even when she was physically absent. It occurred to him that facing Zoe right now would result in her realizing what was really going on with him. That she would see where his heart was, and Michael didn’t want to feel exposed, especially after the last stunt she had pulled with the reporters. All of a sudden, he was not so sure she was that trustworthy.

Did he feel guilty for what he had done? For sleeping with Lisa behind Zoe’s back? Not really, given that he had been clear with Zoe right from the get-go: no strings attached. His faithfulness to Zoe before Lisa came along had been the result of the circumstances, and possibly routine. Which made him feel a bit of an asshole at best, although not ashamed at all. But conflicted? Yeah, he had felt that way for months, now. And his internal clash had resulted in a stalemate, up until this very moment when the road had suddenly become clear again.

The point was, it did not matter if Michael was in love with another woman. The only thing that mattered was that he was not in love with Zoe and that he had realized he would probably never be. Being in a relationship when all he thought about was if and when he was going to nail his ex-wife again wasn’t exactly the gold standard for a long-lasting love story, that much was clear. Besides, whether he felt guilty about it or not, he was a certified cheater. He had cheated on Zoe, repeatedly, and would do it again in a heartbeat. He had cheated on Zoe with his body, more than once, since Lisa had reappeared in his life, and with his heart and mind, all the time. Michael was not as perfect as some people imagined him to be – nor was he the hyper-weird guy some other people seemed to want him to be. In his failures and debacles, he was very much human. Fallible. But honest to God, he didn’t like to deceive anyone and he didn’t want to be like Joseph.

Zoe deserved someone better and he, too, needed to seriously assess his own feelings and desires. Lisa was all he had in mind. He couldn’t and was not in the mood to do casual any longer. Maybe Lisa would not be willing to start again with him, but at this point that was a detail that didn’t matter that much. The only thing that mattered was that he needed to stop going through the motions and partaking in something he did not fully desire.

That was why he hadn’t mentioned Lisa at all, when he had called Zoe. And calling her had been an act of bravery in itself. In different circumstances, Michael would simply have stopped taking her calls and pretended she didn’t exist. He knew that wasn’t the best way to act when people around him disappointed or hurt him, or when he didn’t want to have anything to do with them anymore. He knew a straightforward approach would work better, but not for him and not all the time. He needed to stay sheltered as much as he could, and icing folks out was sometimes all he could do to protect himself. In this case, with Zoe, he had gone way beyond his usual modus operandi and he was pretty proud of himself. He hoped he had explained his reasons in a clear and rational matter, and he had also wished his now ex-girlfriend all the best in the world.

“That’s nice of you, Michael. I appreciate it, in a way…”

“I don’t expect you to appreciate it. Not right now, at least. I mean – I do know I have disappointed you. I am sorry, Zoe. I really am.”

“You know, it’s funny. This phone call just comes so out of the blue for me.”

Did it? Really? Michael was not sure she was telling the truth. He just stayed quiet and listened.

“…Because like I said last night, I thought that offering you a child was the best option I got to keep you.”

So it had been indeed because of that, that she had offered. To “keep” him. To hold onto him. Michael’s heart sunk a bit. Then sudden fear surfaced.

“Zoe… about that… you think there’s a chance you might be… you know…”

“Pregnant?”

He swallowed.

“…Yeah.”

The moment of silence that followed almost made him weak in the knees.

“Well, I wish I could tell you that there is indeed a chance I might be carrying your child. But…” Zoe took a deep breath and her tone changed a bit, turning colder, more detached. As if she held some grudge, which was quite reasonable given the circumstances. “…I don’t need to remind you that you’ve been using condoms on a regular basis, lately. Even if you should know that I’m on the pill. As a matter of fact, it seemed to me you made it a point to always have a condom on, whenever we fucked. Unlike the past, when sometimes… You know, we just got carried away. It almost sounds as if you didn’t want to risk to get me pregnant at all, don’t you think?”

Had it really been that way? All his justifications, his new album, her career… had they been nothing but excuses while, on a more conscious level, he had believed his own bullshit and tried to sell that crap too? And above all, had he really not always used condoms with her in the past? His memory was blurry. Up until this point, he had been convinced he had never, ever gone bareback with Zoe. But alas, he hadn’t been lucid all the time in the past few months. The realization was unsettling, and he hoped she was telling the truth, because he had no idea when was the last time he had been so out of it to fuck her without any protection.

Michael really did not know how to reply to Zoe’s words, and so he just pursed his lips and waited for some more pearls of wisdom.

“But in a way, everything went just the way it was supposed to go, I guess, because I had been planning to stop. Being on the pill, that is. Just in case.”

The word that had been swirling in his mind non-stop for weeks resounded again: shackled. She had been trying to trap him. Or maybe she hadn’t, and she had just been planning to surprise him by fulfilling what she thought was his most intense desire. However, Michael would never know and the haunting feeling didn’t subside one bit. He felt sweat trickle down his back. The most important thing was that they could cut ties in the cleanest way. No surprise pregnancies involved. The Debbie mess came to mind and scared the shit out of him: he didn’t need any redo of anything even remotely similar to that.

“I am so sorry, Zoe. I should have been clearer right from the get-go. I thought it was for the best… for both of us. I never tried to deceive you. I just thought we weren’t ready to have a kid.”

Let alone that him fucking his ex-wife wasn’t exactly the perfect starting point for any other relationship, just in general and especially if discussions about a kid were involved.

How simple it had been for him to remain faithful to Lisa. How hard it was not to be unfaithful to Zoe… or any other woman, whenever his ex-wife reappeared in his life. The fleeting presence was more than enough to throw every caution to the wind. Even when he knew she would be gone the next day, or he would be.

As he spoke, Michael once again realized that not only he wasn’t in the least sad about putting an end to the relationship. He actually felt relieved, and for a moment he wondered for how long he had wanted to do that. Zoe’s calm, even attitude over the phone had also helped. She had listened, had stated that she did not fully understand his reasons but also that she respected them, even though she had been under the impression that their relationship worked just fine.

Michael went on telling her that their relationships lacked the foundation to last, and that putting a kid into this world would not fix anything, let alone create what did not exist. He didn’t state flat out that he was not in love with her, but he was sure that she had gotten the memo. He apologized for not really being able to reciprocate her feelings and told her that he hoped she would find someone perfect for her.

At that point he had been pretty sure Zoe had sniffled, as if she was trying very hard not to cry, but all in all the call had gone well. Or at least that was what Michael thought. Which was good. He would not have been prepared to face any major drama. He didn’t like those. He hated confrontations.

There was only one woman Michael had allowed to be close to him to the point that she could push him way out of his comfort zone, even when he didn’t want it. And that woman was Lisa, not Zoe.

But anyway, despite his substantial disinterest in the relationship, breaking up with Zoe had taken a bit of a toll on him and, when he hung up, his forehead pulsed as if a grenade was tickling in his head. He had to lie down for a bit.

As Michael swam in that semi-unconscious state that was not sleep but also wasn’t actual wakefulness, random thoughts swarmed him in bits and pieces. Fragments of visions, his own inner voice talking, and Lisa’s eyes. Always her eyes, like a beacon in the darkness. They had always, always haunted him since he had fallen in love with her. From their blue-green hue to their shape, from their depth to the ancient pain they seemed to hide. Michael still remembered how stunned he had been when, during one of their biggest fights after their divorce – but before their last, big breakup – Lisa had told him that his eyes too inhabited her dreams even when he was far away.

“I wish I could fucking wake up one morning not even remembering who you are, Michael.”

“Wow – what an adorable thing to say to the man you supposedly love…”

“Supposedly? Are you out of your ever-loving mind or what?”

“How am I supposed to respond to that? You truly served it on a silver platter, Lisa Marie.”

“You know what, Michael? Why don’t you just fuck the fuck off?”

Her lame choice of insults had almost made him laugh. Almost. Instead, he had set his jaw.

“Why don’t you just tell me what you mean? You wish you never met me at all, never loved me at all…? What?”

“I wish I didn’t see your goddamn eyes every time I close mine. That’s what I wish. ‘Cause those stupid eyes always remind me why I can’t just walk away and forget about ever falling in love with you. That’s what I wish. You happy now?”

Well… In a way, he had been. Her words, as sharp and curt as they had been, had filled him with pride and joy. The idea of affecting her was much better than the alternative: to not perturb her at all. But still, even back then he had known it was dysfunctional.

And now Michael wanted things to be different, or at least try to see if they could indeed be different. His first instinct after breaking up with Zoe had been to call Lisa and ask her to dump Roman once and for all and come back to him. Immediately and for good, this time. But then he had realized that it would have been nothing but the usual knee-jerk reaction he and Lisa always seemed to be trapped into. Wash, rinse, repeat. It would not work. Hell, it had never really worked before!

Unless… unless he tried something different, this time. Like taking some time to himself, time to really think things through and see if and how they could be fixed or redone. Analyze and face his feelings as bravely as he could and evaluate all the possible options and outcomes. Cleanse his mind of any pre-existing fog and shadow. Be calm and serene in his decisions. And then act upon them.

And that was why he needed to think very hard about the steps he was going to make next.

One thing was apparent: Lisa was scared. She was terrified of another failure. Michael still remembered the sheer fear he had caught in her eyes that night, at the ranch, when they had almost kissed in the theater. And he too didn’t think he could stand the umpteenth obliteration of his own dreams, hopes, expectations. Maybe that was the root of it all: his decision should come from a place of peace within himself, instead of the barrage of assumptions that had always tainted the past. He had assumed he and Lisa would be together forever. That she would always love him and nobody else. That they would be able to overcome anything together. That they would be having kids right away, or whenever he wanted them. That she would stay home waiting for him, for weeks or months even, if necessary, as he did his thing. That he would be able to tolerate her rotten moods and her rushed, pigheaded decisions. That she would be able to withstand his passive-aggressive shit and his tendency to pull back and hide when hurt.

So wrong. It had all been so wrong.

And now he and Lisa were tiptoeing around a relationship that had no definition, really. Because phone sex didn’t qualify as friendship, no matter how hard they pretended it did. Not that kind of phone sex, at least, filled with words of love and with a passion so sizzling that his darn phone was going to melt in his hand at one point. Michael knew he loved her, and was reasonably confident that Lisa too was still in love with him, but arrogance had never taken them far. It had to be different, this time. If there was going to be a “this time” at all.

When Michael’s headache finally subsided and he started to feel better, he called his driver and asked to be taken to Neverland. He missed his babies and wanted to be with them.

Once there, he spent the rest of the day with the kids – just doing what he did best, even better than dancing and making music: being a dad. Prince and Paris always had the power to help him relax and clear his mind, and their innocence reminded him that things could, indeed, still be beautiful and full of hope. How he wished he could live in that innocent state of mind all the time. Even though he was genuinely childlike, Michael was well aware that many souls were coexisting in any human being. He was so many things in only one man, and some of them were so conflicting – or complementary. A bit like he and Lisa, conflicting and complementing each other at the same time. But life in itself was the biggest contradiction. So magical and breathtaking, and yet so painful, way too often. The only thing one could do was forge ahead, hoping to find his Shangri-La someday, somehow.

During the afternoon, Michael was tempted to send Lisa a text – but then he remembered that she and the kids were over at Priscilla’s. Knowing well that the sex tape debacle had soured Lisa’s relationship with her mother a bit, he decided to just stay put and wait for Lisa to get in touch with him first. When, after putting the kids to sleep, he went over to the studio and started working on a few songs that seriously needed to be included in his new album, he still hadn’t heard a word from her.

It made him think. How was he supposed to behave with Lisa after what had happened the previous night? After he had guided her through the waves of pleasure by directing her actions and she, too, had driven him to distraction to the point that, for a second – but just for a second – he had almost felt her hands, her mouth, her flesh on him, around his dick? Almost as if she were there with him? He had been crazy sprung and the whole thing had felt magical, in a way. As if distance didn’t matter. As if any other people gravitating around them couldn’t really take the place that was rightfully theirs in each other’s life.

And that, ultimately, was the bottom line. Michael had realized that as long as he was in love with Lisa, he couldn’t really bring himself to move on with someone else. The fact that Lisa too was still in love with him made everything even more difficult. How was he supposed to ignore what they felt for each other? To pretend it didn’t exist? He had tried, for a while, but the moment they had met again, the flames had started to burn higher and had turned into a wildfire. There simply had been no escape. Yes, he and Lisa had done it wrong so many times, but their own definition of insanity could finally shatter if they only tried to do things in a different way, and not just one more time.

Michael was thankful to be distracted for a few hours. He was also relieved that his cell phone didn’t have much signal in the bunker he was holed up into. He worked in the studio for about the whole evening and night and, after a while, Lisa’s and Zoe’s thoughts slipped from his mind. As usual, when he was engulfed in his art nothing else existed, and despite knowing very well that a bunch of the songs that were meant to be in his album were indeed about Lisa, he was able to detach himself from the emotional nuance of it all. The people around him also helped, as they were able to keep him focused.

However, after sitting down at the mixing board for hours, his back started to send painful electric shocks throughout his body. Up to his shoulders, down to his legs. His hands began to shake. Michael was in pain – and the effect of the bland painkillers he had taken in the morning had vanished. The tension in his muscles made everything worse, and he realized that his shirt was drenched. It was hellish. He needed to stop for a while, no matter how much he wanted to keep going. He was no longer the man he had been in the past – his body was betraying him badly.

He glanced at the clock, on the wall. It was a little after four in the morning. His eyes moved to Teddy and Elliot. He could tell they were exhausted and he, too, needed to take a break. Trying hard to pretend everything was fine, he wrapped things up for the night and thanked the guys for their much-appreciated work. When they left, he went to the lounge area and carefully sat down on the huge couch, in the quiet, dimly lit room. Rummaging into his pocket, he found the pills he was looking for and swallowed them with a long sip of water. He didn’t feel well at all and knew very well that ibuprofen would not do, so he opted for something way stronger. Maybe he should have just stayed home, at the ranch, and taken it easy – he was way too stressed and hadn’t had any real opportunity to unwind appropriately. No matter how good it felt to spend time with his kids or to work on his music: those were nothing but tiny specks of light in an existence that had become mainly obscure, an unknown space where he too often moved like a blind man. He needed to get a fucking grip on himself.

Covering his eyes with his forearm, he lay down and took a deep breath, trying to relax his back and legs. The pain was driving him crazy, and he just hoped the hydrocodone would kick in quickly. He wasn’t tired enough to sleep, but at the same time felt exhausted. He knew very well how physical pain could consume him, just as he knew he had taken things too far way too many times for his body not to be paying the price.

He started to drift off, caught in that sulfurous semi-comatose state that always accompanied him in times like this. His mind, however, was still reeling. The words Zoe had said to him over the phone came back and resounded like an echo in his ears.

“But in a way, everything went just the way it was supposed to go, I guess, because I had been planning to stop. Being on the pill, that is. Just in case.”

Just in case…

The long-gone memory of someone from his camp telling him that Lisa had been on the pill without him knowing, while they were still married, overlapped to Zoe’s voice and Michael flinched. His back sent another jolt of pain down his limbs and he flexed his hands. Jesus Christ.

Lisa’s face appeared behind his closed eyelids. From the darkness.

“What?! Come again? What exactly are you accusing me of, Michael?”

“You heard me.”

Her eyes narrowing, she had blinked. Then she had swallowed hard.

“And you believe them.”

Michael had just stared at her and had seen the flash of pain in her eyes. Her surprise, her disappointment. His silence had been her confirmation and he had known he was hurting her. Well – fuck it. She was hurting him too.

“You believe them, Mike. You chose to believe your handlers instead of me. Your wife.”

“So you’re telling me it’s all a lie.”

His tone was cold, but the seeds of hope bloomed again in his heart. He loved and hated the way that hope would make him feel, especially when it was accompanied by apprehension. Had he really been doubting Lisa to this point? Had he gotten it all wrong?

She had tilted her head.

“Let me ask you this. How the fuck would your people know anything about such private stuff?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you just told someone. You always complain you feel lonely. How am I supposed to know you didn’t discuss our marriage with someone in our entourage?”

“And you think I’d talk about our sex life? About how we fuck? You think I tell people if you put on a rubber or not, if I am on the pill behind your back or not? Are you fucking kidding me? If I have to share confidential info, I do it when I’m sure I’m safe and nobody’s listening. And excuse me, but I think I know where to stop. With all the people whispering behind our back all the time, either you think I’m a complete moron or that I don’t know what the deal is. That’s rich. Thank you, Michael.”

“Lisa – are you on the pill or not. That’s what I was asking.”

“No, that’s not what you were asking. Yours was a statement. And an insult.”

In his mind, her words had suggested to him that the rumors were true, after all. Lisa hadn’t really denied anything. However, it didn’t take Michael long to find out that she had not been on the pill at all, at that time. But at that point it was too late, their mutual trust was shattered and the luscious and fertile soil where they had been building their relationship had become pretty much barren. More than anything else, they were no longer married.

Lisa’s voice, her face, slowly sunk into the sticky, muddy darkness that enveloped Michael’s thoughts as he started to finally drift off.

 

 

 

 

 

He had no idea how long he had been passed out. He only knew that it was Brad who woke him up and that dragging himself out of sleep was harder than usual.

Michael opened his eyes with great difficulty, feeling as if his brain was immersed in cotton. Focusing on Brad’s face, he noticed that he was crouched down by the couch and staring at him.

“Mike?”

“Yeah…” Flinching, Michael sat up and rubbed his eyes.

“You OK? You don’t look well.”

Fuck, that was because he wasn’t OK at all. He felt hungover. Or shitfaced drunk, despite not having had alcohol at all. Maybe taking those meds without having eaten anything in about twenty-four hours hadn’t been the best idea.

“No, I’m good. I was just tired.”

There you go, brother. Speak softly and do your best to sound believable.

Brad stayed quiet and just kept eying him with great concern. Hoping to look at the very least slightly presentable, Michael glanced up at him and quietly assessed the condition of his back. Well, at least that was finally better. He no longer felt as if he had put his fingers into an electric socket, and he hoped it would stay that way. Thankfully, the medications hadn’t taken too long to kick in, and he probably had drifted off for a bunch of minutes. He touched his wrist and noticed that he wasn’t wearing his watch.

“What time is it? And why are you here so early, anyway?”

“Early? Mike, it’s past ten in the morning.”

Michael frowned.

“What? Are you sure?”

Had he slept for – what – about five hours straight? For real? And without Brad, he would have probably kept sleeping for only God knew how long still. Sleeping or being passed out, Michael wasn’t sure. All of a sudden, he was no longer sure of anything and the chilling sensation of not being in control of his own life returned with a vengeance. His stomach grumbled, and he felt the intense need of some caffeine.

“Yeah, I had no idea you were still here at all. I thought you went back home.”

Well, yeah. That had been his intention all along. Then he had sort of stopped reigning over himself without even realizing it. But alas, he wasn’t that guilty after all: the previous day had been stressful and kind of horrid.

“I was just resting for a bit after… ah… working on some stuff.”

What else was he supposed to say? That he felt like his life was spiraling out of control, and he was trying so very hard to stop it, but sometimes he just didn’t know how? Glancing up at Brad again, Michael could tell he didn’t really believe him and he wondered how shitty he probably looked at that very moment. God, he needed a mirror. And to wash his face. And possibly take a few days off. No, scratch that: he needed a complete reset of the past twelve months. Because he was starting to not recognize himself any longer.

“OK… Look, like I said, I thought you were going to come over later today. So I was just about to get your lounge ready. I had no idea you – ah… crashed on this couch. Thank God it’s comfy.”

Right… Thank God for small favors.

“Yeah, it’s fine. But I gotta go home now. I haven’t seen the light of day in forever… And I gotta see the kids.”

“And are you going to come back today? I mean, given what’s going on and all…”

Michael stretched and frowned.

“Of course. I just need a shower and something to eat. I’m gonna play with my babies for a few hours, make sure everything is fine at the ranch, and then I’m coming back here. We got stuff to do. I’m actually planning to finish what we started last night. I think I got some good ideas.”

“Michael?”

“What, Brad?” He was under the impression that a critical detail had just managed to evade his attention. He just could not pinpoint what it was.

“You’re really coming back today, despite what happened?”

What the hell was Brad talking about, now?

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“Well, then I guess…” Brad rose onto his feet and put his hands on his hips, looking down at Michael with a serious expression on his face, as if evaluating his possible reaction. “You haven’t heard about it, yet…”

“About what?”

Rubbing the nape of his neck, Michael too rose from the couch and stood right in front of his longtime collaborator, only paying very little attention to the current conversation, which sounded odd, to say the least. What did he need to do, again? Oh, right. Go home, check on the kids, take a shower, eat something, see if Lisa had called or texted and, if she hadn’t, try to get hold of her and tell her about his intentions and his hopes. Tell her that he was a free man, that he loved her, needed her, wanted them to be together and try again. In a different way, and succeeding this time. Not letting any outsiders get in between them. Being what they wanted to be for one another and in the best possible way. Just like they once had been. Because God damn it, they had to learn from their mistakes instead of repeating them in the usual, endless circle of hell. And they were not getting any younger.

“…I’m just so sorry it happened again. I have no idea how Lisa Marie is gonna take it… Or has taken it, to be honest.”

The mention of Lisa’s name brought Michael’s still semi-clouded mind back.

“Lisa Marie? Brad – once again, I’m not sure I follow.”

Brad blushed.

“I’m talking about the tape, Michael…”

Oh, gosh. The damn sex tape. Why was Brad still talking about that shit?

“Look – I checked just a few hours ago. The news is starting to die down, finally. I mean, I know it took a while, but you know how those vultures are. As long as there’s flesh on the bones, they’re gonna chew on it.” He started motioning toward the bathroom. He needed to splash some cold water on his face and shock himself back to full alertness. He needed for the fog clouding his mind to dissolve, if he had to function for the rest of the day. “And I know when it comes to Lisa or me, or Lisa and me, it takes a bit longer than usual. But it’s done. They’re gonna stop talking about it, eventually.”

“No, Michael…” Brad’s hand grasped his forearm and Michael stopped in his tracks.

“What?”

“I am not talking about that tape. I’m talking about the new one.”

Michael just stared at him, puzzled. Brad moved slightly closer and let go of his arm.

“There’s a new sex tape on the internet, Mike. Another one. Of you and Lisa Marie.” He sighed. “I’m so sorry. I thought you knew. It came out earlier this morning and it’s already all over the place. Everyone’s talking about it.” Another pause. “I think you need to go home and call your lawyers, Michael. And your… ah, ex-wife.”