Arcana | 11 – The Wheel of Fortune

Author’s note

I would like to thank all the readers that have been following this story. We are now halfway through. I will take a break for the next few weeks and will resume publishing the new chapters in January. 2019 truly has been an exhausting year as far as Michael was concerned and I, like everyone else, need some time to regroup and recharge my batteries. But don’t worry. I will not leave this story unfinished – I will just enjoy a Christmas break. Thank you and Merry Christmas!

Arcanum 11 – The Wheel of Fortune

The Wheel of Fortune is a card with a multitude of interpretations whose reading depends much upon the circumstances alluded to by the subject of the reading. It indicates the point the subject has currently reached in his or her life. If it is present at the beginning of the drawing, it evokes the closing of a past cycle and the beginning of a new one. In a reading it can herald a work that has squarely come to completion and thus represent the turning of a page, a complete cycle. But often, coming at the middle or at the end of the draw, it indicates a block that needs to be overcome. It is then helpful to draw an additional card to see what will turn the handle or to elucidate the emotional mystery that it suggests.
The cycle of death and rebirth, in the large sense, can be seen in it as well as the circulation of life.
The Wheel of Fortune invites reflection upon inevitable alternations of ascents and falls, of prosperity and austerity, of joy and sorrow. It orients us toward change, whether positive or negative, and acceptance of the constant transformation of reality.

Century City, Los Angeles, July 1988

Wasn’t this what people called damage control? Well, if so, the goal had been at least partially reached. Too bad Lisa didn’t feel like she had won anything.

As a matter of fact, she felt like a complete, utter loser – a nobody with a big name, all talk, no action, no relevance, no influence, no experience, no nothing. Since she had ended up having no idea of how to deal with the shit hitting the fan, when the shit really had started to hit the fan. When reality had finally rained down on her and Michael in all its ruthlessness, Lisa had realized that she was not media-savvy at all.

However, she had to admit that Michael too had looked entirely unprepared. Speechless. The calm, composed and controlled veneer he would always display when it came to his public image slipping away. She had seen it – she has seen how slowly, methodically, it had shattered while she observed him through the window, talking to his manager, Frank. And then she had realized her gut feeling was correct, a little later. When she and Michael had been alone again and had talked. When their fragile, delicate relationship had reached a screeching halt – despite their best intentions. Because, as it looked like, the outside world had decided for them.

Unlike Michael, Frank Dileo wasn’t a master at hiding his emotions. When Lisa had observed him through the window, trying to gauge the tone of the conversation, she had noticed that he was agitated. His face was as red as a beet, and he was chewing on his cigar like no tomorrow, gesticulating as if he wanted to take off and fly there and then. More than once, Lisa had seen Michael raise his hands and try to calm Frank down. Then, as their back and forth progressed, even Michael’s even face had started to crumble and at one point he had started glancing around, as if he expected to see someone spying on them.

Lisa couldn’t make out the words, but she knew whatever it was, it was not good. And she had braced for the impact when Michael had reentered the library, alone this time, and had locked the door behind his back. Lisa had heard Frank’s car speed off in the distance, as if he was in a hurry.

“Lisa…” Michael’s voice sounded slightly affected and at first he couldn’t even look at her. Bad sign. “We need to talk.”

“What happened…”

At that moment, she wanted so much for him to step closer and just hold her, reassure her, but Michael stayed near the door, his hand still clinging to the doorknob.

“The press happened.”

The press? As in, the paparazzi? Well… Then maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Michael was used to the press. Then why was he so upset?

He was distressed because the situation was more than bad. It was horrible and Michael had not been expecting it in the least. And when he had told Lisa, she too had felt dizzy for a moment. Her legs were wobbly.

“What do you mean the press happened?”

“Let’s… Ah…” Michael rubbed his forehead and she noticed that he was sweating. “Let’s sit down for a moment, OK…”

The phone rang and Lisa was forcefully dragged out of a dream that was nothing but the perfect, oneiric reproduction of what had happened at Michael’s ranch about a couple of months earlier. And she knew that Michael was the person calling her now, because they still did that. Call each other. Only, not as often as they used to. Because in Michael’s and Lisa’s world, things could change at the speed of light. And sometimes, they could crash and burn as quickly as they had blossomed.

“Hey…”

She didn’t even bother making sure it was him, the moment she picked up the phone. She knew.

“Lise… Hi…”

He sounded sad, and guarded. Which was something she was becoming accustomed to, as of late. After all, that was what happened when a tender blade of grass got stomped over by a bulldozer before it could even fully rise to the sun rays.

“Hi, Michael. How are you?”

“I’m fine, I guess. Still in Germany. I will be leaving tomorrow for London.” He sighed. “But you know what? I can’t wait to be home. I really wanna fly back to Los Angeles at the moment. And I would already be on a damn plane, if only I could.”

“Really?” Getting up from the couch where she had dozed off, Lisa opened the French doors and walked out on the spacious terrace, listening to the crickets’ chant. How weird it was to be finally living on her own, in that apartment that Michael had helped her find, but that he had never seen.

She missed him, more than she would be able to explain, and way more than he needed to know at the moment. He had to stay focused and she knew he had been so unfocused after what had happened.

“Yes. I know everything is sort of under control now, but still… I would like to make sure of it. And I need to be there to do that.”

Oh. So it wasn’t that he wanted to be back because he missed her. Lisa closed her eyes for a moment.

“And then I really wanna see you, Lisa. It feels like centuries…”

Then. After making sure that the press was sorta-kinda under control. She came after, like an afterthought. Her already pretty low self-esteem had taken some severe uppercuts as of late, and this was another little jab to a fighter that had already raised her white flag.

Her eyes opened, slowly, her senses once again focusing on him. There was a tiredness, an exhaustion in Michael’s voice that she had never heard before. As if for the first time he didn’t know how to fix something. For a man very much capable of controlling pretty much – or almost all – his entire environment, frustration and helplessness likely went hand in hand. She could not blame him: he was used to be in charge. However, she too was exhausted from living in some sort of limbo, of floating in such a state of uncertainty. He had to move forward, yes – but she needed to do the same. She now knew that they had underestimated what was outside their little bubble.

“We’ll see about that, Michael, right? That’s what we decided to do. To wait and see what happens… if and when things die down. Back to square one. It was the wisest thing we could do.”

“Yeah… I know. I know that’s what we said.”

The thing that needed to die down for Michael and Lisa to be able to re-evaluate – once again – their relationship was, of course, the general reaction of the mass media, and hence the public. And the media sure had gotten much more than a whiff of what was going on, eventually.

The mocking and joking after the Grammy Awards ceremony had been just the beginning. The simmering beneath the surface where flames were ablaze. Until the coils were removed and Lisa and Michael almost ended up being burned alive.

Because the paps had pictures, and not of Michael and Lisa’s apparition in New York. They had photographic evidence of a very private event that had happened a bit earlier, in a moment of absolute privacy. Something that was never meant to be shared with anyone but the people directly involved in it. And the secret had escaped because Michael’s ranch was too vast and still with too little staff to be monitored properly.

What Dileo had told Michael that night was that, during Michael and Lisa’s very first weekend at the Sycamore Valley Ranch, a sleazy tabloid had somehow gotten to know that they were there together. However, the paps hadn’t stopped there – nor they had tried to ambush the couple just outside the property. They had dared to enter the darn thing from an area that was still not guarded at all, they had reached the mansion on foot and – like the perfect sons of bitches that they were – they had bumped into Michael and Lisa in the outdoor pool. Making love.

And of course, they had taken pictures.

Nobody had noticed, and the reporters had been able to leave as easily as they had gotten in. Only, with a million-dollar set of photographs in their reflex.

They had waited for a bit, in order to get maximum effect for their exclusive footage, and the Grammys had been the perfect occasion. The buzz, the contrail, a flawless crescendo. And then the sleazy tabloid had made its move, trying to see if their target would go for a catch and kill or if they could just make tons of money by publishing the story.

That was when they had called Frank who, of course, had been caught completely off-guard, not really knowing what to do. But being at least capable of creating some stalling at least, and then driving over to Michael quite in a hurry. Telling him that the paps were going to publish the pictures, and the story that went with them, unless Michael – or Lisa – did something about it.

The King of Pop nailing the daughter of the King of Rock’n’Roll under the moonlight. Perfect for shattering his good, wholesome guy image – and perfect for confirming Lisa’s wild child one.

However, they could at least limit the damage. Try to soften the blow. They couldn’t stop the story, but they could do something about the photographs.

“And they want us… to buy those pictures?”

“Yes. Well, they want me to buy them.” Michael had grimaced. “Shit. Fucking shit. I really didn’t need this right now. It’s too much… too soon.”

“How much would it cost you?”

“That’s not the point, Lise. Money is never the point for me.”

“Wait – Michael… Let’s step back for a moment. I need to understand what exactly is going on. And what Frank has told you.”

And so Michael had told her.

Obviously, their night out had been completely spoiled and they had spent hours trying to get a hold of Michael’s lawyers, just to go through several possible strategies. Not that there was much to do. The paps were more than ready to publish the pictures, if Michael was intentioned to sue. The profit from those photographs alone would be more than enough to cover every expense. So threatening a lawsuit would be a moot point anyway.

Lisa too had been forced to call her mother, only to find out that Priscilla was already in the loop, because the tabloid had called her as well. Likely hoping to double the chance of making money.

Priscilla was also panicking, and was pissed as all hell. Never before in her life she had gone through such problematic times with her daughter – not even when Lisa was totally out of control, in her teenage years. Priscilla had made sure to point it out just fine, and Lisa had found it interesting that her mom considered a sleazy tabloid story more detrimental than whatever horrible emotional state had plagued her daughter in the past. Interesting… And kinda sad.

“Did you hear what I just said, Lisa Marie?”

She had been barking into the receiver for a while and, at one point, Lisa had simply stopped listening. Zoning out.

“Not really, no… I’m kinda distracted at the moment.”

Priscilla had let out an exasperated sigh.

“I said that you’d deserve it. For me not to stop that story. It would be such an invaluable life lesson if they showed everyone how careless you’ve been. Too bad your father’s legacy would be impacted as well. And that means that I have to step in and pull some strings, because what I do know for sure is that you don’t have the resources to do any that. And probably you wouldn’t even know how to.”

Right. Thanks, mom, for reminding me how worthless I am. And for trying to guilt-trip me.

Michael had been listening to her call quietly and, up until that point, he had never chimed in. But the moment he realized the direction the conversation was taking, he gently took Lisa’s hand, interlacing his fingers with her. When she looked up at him, his eyes were concerned and serious.

“No, don’t. I’ll take care of it,” he had mouthed.

She had smiled at him, feebly. Right, that was the point. Either Michael or Priscilla would have to take care of this crap, because it was the truth. Lisa could not. Her best accomplishment so far had been to choose her own apartment.

And even now, about two months later, the moment Lisa hung up the phone after talking to Michael, she could feel the repercussions of what had transpired. Like a bruise after a bad fall. The way that single event had changed her relationship with him, and how it had ripped open the soft blanket of innocence she and Michael had been hiding under. How naive of them to think they could just have the luxury to live their love story like any normal couple in the world. There was absolutely nothing normal about neither their existences, and the sudden cold shower had jolted them both awake.

From that point on, it had felt like swimming underwater, holding their breath. Things had changed. It had been inevitable – just like it was inevitable that everything would remain frozen until any possible intrusion could be either dealt with, ignored, or destroyed. Too bad that, at the moment, Lisa and Michael didn’t have any ammo.

Meanwhile, in the past weeks, their communication had become increasingly strained, the hiccuping phone calls not as frequent as they used to be, and certainly not as long.

Lisa knew why.

A couple of days after Frank’s unexpected visit at the ranch, the news had broke on one of the most famous tabloids in the country. Michael had successfully managed to stop the photographs from being published, but of course, the paps hadn’t let go of the story. Too juicy. And it had spread like wildfire – being discussed on TV, even – because it was so very different from the usual gossip about Michael and because it involved another high caliber name. Lisa’s.

The media thought that Michael had something pure and virginal going on with Brooke Shields, and they had been mocking him to no end for that. Lisa knew it just wasn’t the case – she knew that Shields and Michael were simply just friends. But for the press, Lisa’s apparition had been unexpected and detonating like an atomic bomb.

And the attention had been directed at her, too, as much as Michael’s. In the past few years, Michael had become a target for the most inane rumors ever – almost all false, most of them outlandish – and also of the most stupid human behaviors. The tabloids seemed hell-bent in making fun of him, his appearance, his habits, his actions. And Lisa had immediately become a mark as well. The useful idiot. The naive and dumb young girl. An object of mockery. As if the reporters could not fathom how she could be attracted to him. How any woman could be attracted to him.

While, in Lisa’s world, there really wasn’t any reason to not be attracted to Michael.

Bunch of fools! There was absolutely nothing wrong about him. They were the village idiots! She had been livid with rage. She didn’t care about the tabloids’ opinion about her – but she hated to see how Michael was their constant whipping boy.

In all that, Michael’s reaction had also been strange. He usually acted as if he was quite unaffected by the rumors. As a matter of fact, he had once told Lisa that, as long as the press talked about him, it was a good thing – and that was one of the first lessons he had learned as an artist, as a performer. However, this time was different. The fact that Lisa too had been involved in the usual walk of shame seemed to have impacted him more than he was ready for.

“Why are you upset, Michael?”

She had asked him, of course. How could she not? She didn’t know if she was supposed to be more concerned about that tabloid story – which, by the way, described the events in quite graphic detail – or about Michael’s reaction to it.

He had just shaken his head.

“Because up until now, it was just about me, and me only. I could deal with that. But I had never thought someone else could get involved. Not this way.”

“Maybe that’s because you were never that involved with anyone else before? I mean… I know I caused you to let your guard down.”

He had turned to stare at her.

“How can you think this is your fault, Lisa?”

His eyes were pained. And insecure. Of course it wasn’t her fault. But she could tell what his dark irises tried to hide: the possibility that he, too, had really been careless – allowing all this to happen. Getting lost in her without really thinking about the possible consequences – and on top of everything, in a moment when he was way too busy with his tour. A tour that helped him maintain a very specific image, and that was now surrounded by rumors of him being at the very least a cheater. Certainly not the nice guy next door he had always tried to appear.

Michael and Lisa had been able to talk about their own fears and insecurities – and also about what they perceived as their failures – in a very calm, civil manner. The endgame hadn’t changed. They knew that they had to step back and took the time to redefine not only what they were doing, but also how they were going to do it – in the case it was deemed worthy of another serious try. Less carefree, and certainly more aware.

They had reached a crisis point especially because, among the things they had not been able to discuss, there was also a very specific feeling. It was disappointment. And it was mutual.

Each of them would have wanted, and maybe even expected from the other to fight more for their relationship. However, what Lisa and Michael had was as vivid as it was new, and old trust issues resurfaced, choking their words, pushing them both into their respective corners. They had played it cool on the surface, while deep down – the waters were dark and inscrutable.

“Lisa, Lisa… Do you ever think I’m causing you more trouble than anything else? I mean, Priscilla’s retaliation was pretty obvious… and now, this.”

“Michael. No, I don’t. But if thinking that makes you feel better, I say go for it. Maybe it’s the other way around.”

While all she had wanted to say to her was: no, trouble is not what you’re causing. Intensity, and passion, and an earth-shattering shift in my entire world, yes. You’re a troublemaker, but not in the way you think. Just hold me. Stay with me, so I can stay with you.

And instead, she had said nothing.

After talking to Lisa, Michael stared at the telephone for quite a long time, just sitting helplessly on the couch, in his suite. This was so fucked up. He had called her because he missed her, but as usual, he had not been able to convey his feelings properly. And even when he had told her that he hoped he could see her soon, Lisa had sounded less than convinced. As if he was lying to her somehow.

But he wasn’t. He just was… insecure about what to do and how to do it. Guarded, in response to her being guarded. And maybe even a little too proud to tell her how he really felt. Michael was not ready to have his heart shattered by another woman unwilling to truly fight with him, by his side, the moment whatever problem arose.

He knew that talking over the phone didn’t have the same effect as speaking face to face. He was also very much aware that the passion he and Lisa shared had interfered with their ability to really consider the impact of what they were doing. They had been carried away by that passion, and it had become a blazing inferno. The flames were too high and too bright for them to pay too much attention to the ambivalence that had permeated their relationship right from the beginning. And to their respective, ancient inner solitude.

The moment they had found themselves in the process of facing some actual conflict, Michael had realized that he and Lisa were both victims of their past experiences and that was what had caused the wedge to fall right in between them. He was terrified Lisa would pull back all the way, like so many other girls in his life had done before. Flawless and comforting in private, ready to distance themselves from him in public – because he knew, he was not like any other man. Lisa, on her part, needed some sort of reassurance that he was not capable of delivering, riddled with doubts as he was.

However, it was interesting how their insecurities had been incapable of watering down the carnal desire they felt for one another. Up until the moment they had said goodbye, they had decided to be together – well hidden, this time – and they had made love as much as they could. Sometimes in a slow, excruciating manner, full of longing and sadness, some other time with a passion that had left them both breathless.

And then, when they had said goodbye, everything had changed.

Michael once again replayed the conversations he had had with Frank, both that night at the ranch and later, while already on tour – away from Lisa. His memories were a blur of sounds and images overlapping, little tidbits extracted from one moment or another. Creating a perfect symphony, a tragedy starting to happen, while the outside world waited for him to go on stage to applaud him.

“You wanna be with her, fine, be with her. But do not create havoc with this shit. You guys have been reckless. You don’t give a fuck, I get it, OK. Pussy can be that good.”

“Hey, you don’t talk about her in those terms, alright.” Michael had barely been able to keep his voice even. But his eyes – they couldn’t lie and Frank knew it.

“Alright. But still – this is not what you need right now. And the same goes for her. I called her mother – she ain’t happy. Lisa was just starting her career at the Presley Estate… organization… or whatever that is, before you appeared.”

“Wait a second, you did what? Who gave you permission to call Priscilla Presley on my behalf?”

“Mike! I am your manager. I had to call her. You don’t get it. No – wait, you should get it just fine. You know how these people operate. You know I had to call to make sure those damn paps weren’t making the same offer to Lisa Marie’s camp. I had to make sure we’re all on the same page.”

“Which is?”

“Let this story disappear. Vanish! Poof! Gone! We can get a hold of those pictures, but now the reporters know what you guys have been doing, what you two are doing, and they will keep digging and digging. The only thing you can do is stop giving them crap to dig into! And they ain’t happy either at Sony, just so you know.”

“Well, fuck them too, then. I do whatever the hell I want.” Michael had almost spat out the words, defiance clear in his tone. “You should know that about me, by now, Frank.”

“Yes, I know. And sometimes that’s the problem. But this is too outlandish even for you. This, Mike, spoils everything we’ve been working so hard to achieve all these years. The mysterious, enigmatic persona – a man that is out of this world. And now there you are, being caught doing the most basic stuff. Like everyone else. Fucking the pretty girl, and not even in your bedroom, no. That would have been so boring and mundane.”

Michael had winced and had refrained from scolding Dileo for his crass words. Again. Staring into space, he had felt the memory of that night against his skin. Lisa’s warm hands, clinging to his shoulders as his back rested against the tiles. Her perfect breasts moving with each thrust. He and Lisa had stared into each other’s eyes, without kissing, just focusing on the intense pleasure they were experiencing. She was in his lap and he was inside of her – and it felt like heaven. Not for a moment he had thought that they were being watched.

“But I am not a man that lives out of this world. I am a human being. And I have the right to do whatever the hell I please in my private life.”

“Private being the keyword here, Mike. On a side note… do you think Lisa needs that? She’s been sheltered by her mother for years. Why do you think that is? And the first time she gets massive coverage is because the King of Pop is nailing her in a fucking swimming pool. Perfect reputation for that young woman. Right? Right?”

“…Stop talking about her in those terms. I done told you.” And yet, he had avoided answering the obvious, rhetorical question. He knew Frank was right, somehow.

Keeping his eyes downcast, Michael had heard Dileo sigh, his booming voice quieting down. His tone becoming more sympathetic.

“Michael… Listen to me. Step back. At least for now. Give her some space. Ask her to do the same for you. You don’t want this for her and you don’t want this for yourself. And if this thing is serious, if it’s truly bound to happen… then it’ll find a way to happen anyway, I know that. In the meantime, we can only turn some very explicit footage into an uncorroborated rumor. That’s the deal I was able to make with those snakes. They’re gonna write about it anyway, you know that, right.”

Frank had extracted a cigar from the small pocket of his jacket.

“You know how it goes. When it comes to you, this catch and kill shit can only go so far. You’re powerful… but not that powerful. A black man with a white girl? With that girl in particular? Are you kidding me? No way in hell they’re gonna kill the story completely. But we can avoid the biggest damage… Unless you give them other reasons to keep digging.”

“We’ll make sure to be careful from now on, then…” Michael had chewed on the soft flesh inside his cheek. Tasting blood. His words had sounded unconvincing even to himself.

“Yeah? Like you were in that pool? Like you were at the Grammys, when your stubborn ass showed up hand in hand with Lisa Marie despite me telling you that was not a fucking good idea? That you were giving the press ammo? That’s how you’re gonna be careful?”

“…I don’t know. We’ll think about something.”

“The only thing you should think about is that you’re at a turning point. You haven’t worked your ass off for years on end for… this. To watch everything crumble because of this. I am not saying you have to forget about her-”

“And that wouldn’t be your call to make anyway.” This time Michael had looked up, staring right into Frank’s eyes.

“That’s correct. But as your manager, I’m telling you that you guys have been losing your grip. You’re getting too lost into each other. Many aren’t noticing yet, but I am – and clearly I’m not the only one. You should reflect upon that – and remember that you need to stay focused, and that this tour needs you one-hundred percent. Body and soul. If you’re losing focus, then you better recalibrate, kid. This time we managed to deal with it somehow. But what about next time? What’s gonna happen if you, or she, are still so careless and sloppy? Think about that.”

“I think about that every single day. But I also know that I love her, and that she loves me.”

“Well, then… I’m sure you’ll be able to understand how all this might hurt her in the long run. Be rational. You usually are. I don’t know what the fuck happened to you. I can’t recognize you anymore as of late, Michael.”

How cute that Frank could no longer recognize him. How cute that he wanted Michael to be the machine he usually was.

It had hurt him to say Frank speak those words. As if he couldn’t see the humanity that had always permeated each and every one of Michael’s choices. Despite everything.

And yet somehow, someway, the breaking point had been reached. The stalling point. The sudden stillness in Michael’s personal life felt painful like an open wound. Still, his professional life forged ahead with determination. There was only one way to go, and it couldn’t be backward. He had sacrificed too much. About that, Dileo was not wrong.

Eventually, Michael had left to resume his tour and Lisa had stayed in Los Angeles. Through the weeks, the more his longing for her became invalidating for him, to the point that he was spaced-out and distant even during rehearsals – something that had never happened before – the more he realized that too many people depended on him and on the success of that tour.

The only solution had been to pull back. Lisa, being Lisa, of course had noticed – but she hadn’t bitched. She seemed to have accepted Michael’s new disposition – more remote, more absent – with the sad acquiescence that had permeated her previous losses. Her father first, and then every person who had hurt her and disappointed her. Abandoning her.

And so she and Michael had slowly but surely started to drift apart. They still talked over the phone, but maybe once or twice a week, and more often than not, their conversations were choppy and strained.

On the other hand, Lisa had told Michael that Priscilla was very pleased with the direction things had taken. She had even offered Lisa the chance to resume her work at EPE.

“And what did you do?”

“Well… I said yes, Michael. What was I supposed to say?”

Yes. Of course. It wasn’t that she could wait for him, without even knowing if he would ever come back to her.

“I understand. I’m glad, Lisa. I really am. You deserve that chance.”

“Thanks. Believe it or not, I know I do. Besides… It keeps me very busy. Which is what I…”

She had seemed about to say something else, but then she had stayed quiet. She was no longer that prone to sharing very personal, intimate stuff with Michael. Self-preservation resided in emotional distance. Her walls had gone up again, and the girl he had met at the carnival was now nothing but an evanescent figure in his memory. So many things could change in nothing but a handful of months.

However, Michael had managed to find out a little more about what Lisa was doing, and he had been told that she had also been quite invested in the Church lately. Or, as he called it, the cult. He had not liked that detail one bit, especially after their management had used the press to state how the news about Lisa and Michael being together was nothing but “gossip, and a bunch of falsities.” That Lisa had been dating another member of the church for quite some time.

Michael could easily guess who that other guy was. Danny. However, he knew for a fact that, at least at the moment, Danny and Lisa were not in a relationship. How interesting that the cult fought off rumors with utter bullshit.

As the events of the previous weeks kept replaying in his mind, Michael entered the spacious bathroom of his suite and got the jacuzzi ready. He was still holding the cordless phone in his hand and didn’t even realize it. What he did know was that he needed a long, warm, cleansing bath. To try and get rid of the tingly, red-hot feeling of jealousy and lack of control that was now covering his skin with goosebumps.

What if Lisa ended up dating Danny again? Out of loneliness or because she needed to be comforted?

Fuck this shit. Fuck being so far away from home. Fuck the worst timing in the world!

Angrily, he started to take off his clothes and threw his shirt in the sink. Fuck that thing too, he thought, as he pulled down his pants and underwear.

The moment he got into the water, he felt as if he was able to breathe a little better. He leaned back against the bathtub and closed his eyes. Behind his closed eyelids, memories of making love to Lisa unfurled and unraveled like a perfect movie. No choppiness, not a single frame missing. It almost felt as if she was there with him.

Only, she wasn’t.

But she could be. Somehow.

Without even thinking, he called Lisa back.

The last thing she was expecting was for the phone to ring again. The sound intruded the silence and almost gave her a heart attack, and she cursed under her breath, walking back inside her apartment, grabbing the darn cordless from the coffee table, where she had left it after speaking to Michael. It was probably her mother, and Lisa was absolutely in no mood to talk to her.

“Hello?”

“Lise…”

She froze, right there and then. And recognized the color in Michael’s voice. The tone, the depth, the warmth. And the longing. This time he was not putting up any front – he was vulnerable, open. Something that had not happened in quite some time. Something she had missed.

The man Lisa had once known had found a way to slip through the cracks and crawl back to her for a moment.

“Mike… What’s going on? Are you OK?”

Slowly, she sat back down on the couch. She heard him sigh and closed her eyes.

“Am I OK? I don’t know how I feel. I just wish you were here.”

God. Why was he making it so difficult? What was she supposed to say? Fend him off, like a fly? Or just…

“I know you’re upset. I can feel it. And I know you’re sad. And I’m so sorry. I wish I could do something to make it better.”

She wished she had the maturity and knowledge to navigate all this. But she didn’t.

Lisa damned herself for caring that much, for loving to take care of him to the point that she was willing to ignore how emotionally detached he had tried to be for weeks. She cursed herself for loving him.

“Having you here is what would make me feel better. Maybe the only thing.”

She wondered if it would make her feel better. Seeing him, being enveloped by his unique aura again. He was like a splendid, dangerous sun. Too beautiful for her to look away, and yet potentially so lethal. How easy it was, to feel warm and secure around him, bathed in his light. And how it was even easier to end up burned at the stake.

“I can’t be there with you right now, Michael… You know that.”

Her voice was feeble. She realized that she could somehow deal with his emotional distance, with his mood swings and his ability to deal with what was going on in a way that was so rational to defy rationality itself. But she was defenseless against his tenderness.

“I know.” Michael stayed quiet for a moment. “I know that. But do you think we can pretend? Just for a minute.”

“Pretend what?”

“That everything is fine. That you’re here with me… and you’re taking care of me…”

Oh, Mike. If only I could stop wanting that with all my heart. Lisa thought the words, but they never materialized. She was also very much aware of his subtle, probably unaware passive-aggressiveness. Michael was making it very clear that he thought she was no longer taking care of him, when the feeling was very much mutual. What he deserved was for her to go off like a rocket, cuss him out and have the phone slammed in his face. But again – Lisa didn’t have the energy for that. She was drained, shriveled.

“I would take care of you if I were there. But you already know that, don’t you?” A sad smile stole on her face. Oh yeah. Michael knew. He knew more about her than she was willing to admit, even to herself. However, he didn’t reply. “What are you doing, Michael? Where are you right now?”

“I’m taking a bath. I hope I will be able to relax this way… But I already know it ain’t gonna happen, Lise. I am way too nervous. I can’t focus. I can barely function. I don’t know what is wrong with me.”

“Are you planning to do anything else for that tension?”

The question was whispered before she could even think if it was appropriate or not to venture on such a dangerous minefield. Blindfolded. She had to remember where they stood in this. It was an undefined territory.

Well, yes. But undefined meant undefined – as in, devoid of any definition. No real rules had been set or had to be respected, right? Which meant that a little bit of fishing could not hurt. And after all, he could always reply that it was none of her business what he did or didn’t do. At least that would be the final blow and hopefully Lisa would fall out of love with him. Yeah… fat chance.

“No. You mean girls? Other girls? No, Lise. And I didn’t even plan to call you back… It just happened. I’m sorry… Maybe I shouldn’t have. But I needed to hear your voice. I need to hear you talk to me like you would do if you were here… and tell me what you would tell me if we were together. Tell me that everything is going to be alright, eventually.”

The tension was there, Lisa could tell. And without even realizing, her eyes closed again. How easy it was for her to imagine him in that bathtub. And to picture herself shedding her clothes, going into the water with him, holding him into her arms, kissing him, comforting him, telling him that…

“Everything is going to be alright. It’ll get better… You’ll see.”

“Yeah? I hope you’re right, Lise… But I still miss you. I miss your body close to mine, your eyes looking at me, your scent… How long ‘til I can see you again?”

“I don’t know…” Behind her closed eyelids, tears started to burn. And something else burned, too. It was desire. “I wish we had all the answers.”

Silence followed. She could feel the water running. The little splashy sounds as he changed his position, likely leaning back against the tub. Michael sighed.

“Maybe we should just stop giving a fuck about what everyone thinks or says, you know…”

She had to smile.

“Yeah. Maybe we should.”

It was nothing but wishful thinking, she knew it. And he knew it too. However, tension slowly started to slip away from her and she immersed herself into the moment. This sacred, intimate moment of privacy. Nobody would know. And they could pretend it had never happened. It was nothing but a little, inconsequential relapse.

“Are you in your bedroom, Lise?”

“Not right now, no…”

“Well… Why don’t we move this conversation to the bed, then?”

The playful tone was accompanied by a subtle sadness, but Lisa couldn’t help but smile again.

“You’re such a sweet talker.”

“You think? Well… I’m also a sweet doer.”

“Yeah… I remember…”

She heard him take a deep breath and hold it for an instant. Then he spoke again.

“Lie down on your bed, Lise… Stay with me for a while…”

And so she did.

The next thirty minutes or so were a blur of intense, burning passion and complete loneliness – all at once. When he had called Lisa, Michael wasn’t really hoping for things to go down this way, and yet they had. In retrospect, he wouldn’t even be able to explain why their conversation had taken that route, but surely he was glad it had.

Phone sex served as a way to relax him and made him feel comforted, and acted as a momentary painkiller for the confusion he felt. It also reminded him of one of the many reasons why he missed Lisa so much. Of course, talking to her over the phone, issuing commands with the gentlest voice imaginable and hearing her sighs and moans from another continent could not be compared to having her writhing against his body, and yet… It did something to him. Deep inside. It was all so much more than physical. He wanted her. Needed her. Loved her. And he realized that he was jealous and possessive, way more than he was willing to admit.

Maybe all this had just been selfish. A way to reel her back to him and remind her what they could have together. Or maybe he genuinely needed Lisa by his side somehow. It was so hard to tell. Too many voices whispering, whispering in his ear, confusing him. Two in particular kept overlapping in his mind. Dileo pleading him to let go. Bill just staring at him with sad eyes, asking him if he was sure of what he was doing.

God… He felt so damn immature in his way to live love. So romantic and platonic on one side, so torrid and carnal on the other. The mix was tantalizing and painful, like swinging from fire to freezing water, back and forth, again and again.

He had been honest when he had told Lisa that he had not been looking for other women. However, there had been nights when he had found himself unable to sleep and too exhausted to think clearly, and nervousness had brought up what he called “bad thoughts.” Resentment, hurt, helplessness – and the insecurity that had come with Lisa pulling back so quickly. Cowering.

In those nights, Michael had at least thought about seeking company, like he had seen his brothers do a million times. He was sure he could go there, if only he really wanted to. But at the same time, he knew he was a different kind of animal. And if there was still a thin line connecting him to Lisa, he would not spoil it by fucking a stranger. Because of retaliation, of all things!

Now, this… what he and Lisa had done over the phone, it wasn’t a bridge that connected two islands drifting apart, no. Michael knew that. But sure it was something. Like a little rock thrown in a pond, creating circle after circle. Quietly, subtly.

She had been compliant and obedient and he had immediately known that she wanted to play as much as he did. And her willingness to explore this new possibility with him was enticing, arousing. To hear her comply with each and every request had turned him on like no tomorrow, and when Lisa too had asked him to tell her what he was doing – shifting the power from him to herself – he had been more than willing to do so. For her. With her.

They had carefully avoided any straight-out declaration of love, but they hadn’t been shy when it came to sexually suggestive words. They both knew love was there, somewhere, hiding between the fuck me and touch yourself and tell me what it feels like.

It wasn’t even surprising that they had been able to reach their peak together, each riled up by the other’s panting and sighing. It was too much. And yet, it was never enough. It was nothing and it was everything.

Afterward, they just remained connected by that invisible line that managed to make the space between two continents disappear. The phone had become their only anchor. Their voices had created the images of an all-consuming passion that no sleazy article on the press seemed able to destroy. And yet something was amiss.

“Lise…”

“Yeah…”

She was still breathless, and he grinned. Proud to still be able to have such an effect on her.

“I had never done this with anyone…”

“Me neither. But I’m glad it was with you.”

He heard her laugh, softly, and his smile got wider. This was going better than expected. Maybe, just maybe, restoring what they had started to build was possible, after all.

Then she spoke again.

“Michael…”

“What, babe…”

He winced. Maybe he shouldn’t be calling her that. Then he almost had to scoff at himself. She had just made him come with her low, husky voice alone – so maybe keeping her at a distance was kind of redundant, given the circumstances.

“Remember that first night we met? At the funfair…”

“Of course… What about it…”

His eyes opened, lazily. Her breathing was back to normal, and her voice now sounded somber. Not distant – just hopeless. Why? Didn’t she feel the way he felt?

“That night, when the Ferris wheel stopped and we were right at the top… It kinda felt like the beginning of something. I expected the wheel to start moving, and take us back down… On the ground. You know… to have our feet touch something solid.”

“Yeah… And then? What changed?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I’m still up there somehow. Suspended. Not knowing what’s gonna happen next. And I just wish I knew what to expect.”