Vespertine – Part 1

Vespertine – Part 1

“In time, in time they tell me, I’ll not feel so bad. I don’t want time to heal me. There’s a reason I’m like this.
I want time to set me ugly and knotted with loss of you, marking me. I won’t smooth you away.
I can’t say goodbye.”
― China Miéville, The Scar

Ròs House, Scotland – End of May 2020

“Honey… Pick up that ball and bring it to mommy.”

Lisa hoped that Kellan would be distracted for a little while. Just to give her a breather and those lame five minutes that she needed to finish setting up the master bedroom the way it was before all the global mess began. She wanted the house to be in perfect order.

Of course, Kel had insisted on sleeping with her each and every single night since Michael had left, and Lisa too had wanted nothing different. She had always hated sleeping alone, and she didn’t want her youngest son in his room, all alone, in this big-ass house where only the two of them currently lived.

The previous year had been quite challenging in so many ways, but in all frankness she would have never expected a global pandemic. Even less, she would have expected to be separated from her family for months on end. And her husband…

That pained her even more. To be away from Michael after the miracle of finding him again. That was why, in the past few years, their separations had always been infrequent and brief. At least until now.

It was even funny, in some way. Before becoming Murphy, Michael had at times expressed the desire to do his own thing away from her, leave every now and then, just to create and unwind. He had jumped into their first marriage with the mentality of a one-man-show. It had taken him years to understand that, in order to work, things needed to be different. And it had taken Lisa even longer to experience that new side of him again – in the most incredible, unfathomable way she could ever conceive. In a moment of her life when all she could think about was that she would meet him again, one day, but only in the afterlife. Or another life.

And instead…

For the past three years and a half, she and Michael had been rebuilding their lives in a way that they had never done before, and now everything had changed while staying precisely the same in all the details that mattered. As a couple, Michael and Lisa were now minus the pressure that came with being public figures and plus one brand new child. A child that, on a side note, could not stop jumping on the king-size bed.

Lisa had to laugh.

“Baby. Mommy’s gonna be late if you don’t stop…”

She pulled at the covers and Kellan squealed, rolling over on his back and laughing. At two years of age, the little one already was a force of nature – just like his dad. The same irrepressible energy, zest for life, ability to enjoy anything and everything. The same enthusiasm that would always make Lisa’s heart constrict in her chest.

“Dadee? Home soon.”

“Yes, Kel. Dad is going to be home soon. Finally.”

“Go bye-bye?”

He was now sitting on the bed and watching her with those huge eyes that were so similar to Michael’s. Lisa too stopped mid-track and sat down, reaching out and taking his tiny hand. Then she changed her mind and lay down on her stomach to get closer to him and ruffle his curly hair. He was still staring at her and it was one of those moments when he looked like an ancient soul. Strangely calm and meditative. Obviously, he wanted her to answer his question.

“Only mommy. You’re going to stay here with Miss Emma and Marcus and I will be back tomorrow. With daddy.”

“Kel stay home?”

“Yes, Kel. You’re going to stay here and wait for mom and dad to come back. And please behave with Miss Emma and Marcus, OK?”

Kellan seemed to assess her words for a moment. Then he nodded his head and resumed playing with his ball, making it squeak. Lisa relaxed. He looked OK. Hell, he was more than fine. But leaving him was always, always painful. However, in this case it was also the right thing to do.

Glancing at the alarm clock on the nightstand, she noticed that it was already past ten, and she really should start getting ready to leave. And Kellan, well, he had to go to bed. He would usually be already asleep at this point, but this was a special night and even though Lisa had hated to summon Emma and Marcus at the house so late in the evening, she also knew that it was all she could do. Of course, the most trusted staff members Lisa and Michael wanted around the house had been more than happy to help and were now waiting downstairs, no problem.

“Alrighty then. First we’ll put your toy away, and then we’ll go downstairs, alright?”

Sitting up, she glanced at the travel bag, ready by the bedroom door. Oh well. She would take care of the bed the next day. Everything she could think about right now was Michael.

Summer was approaching, and Lisa hadn’t seen Michael in over three months. An eternity. But after all, when he had left for Amsterdam everything seemed to be pretty much under control. Of course, the media were already talking about the pandemic and urging people to take all the necessary precautions. Still, nobody had any idea that everything would go south so quickly.

A few days after Michael had landed in the Netherlands, the airports had been closed and he had found himself stranded there not knowing when and how he would be able to fly back home. When he had called Lisa to tell her about the news, she already knew. It was all over the Internet – a sudden frenzy that had ended up hitting their family like countless others.

“I’m trying to see if there are other ways for me to get back, Lise, but I’m not sure.”

As she listened to him, Lisa had been staring at the TV – which was on mute. The footage was enough to tell her everything she needed to know.

“Yeah, I’m not sure either, baby.”

The truth was that they both knew that it was simply not possible. The containment measures were now out in full force. Social distancing, no travels allowed and all that stuff. There was no way in hell that Michael, who now was a nobody to the world, could ever be privileged enough to go back to Scotland in a matter of days. In fact, after staying at a hotel for a week or so, he had opted for short-term rental: a fully furnished apartment downtown where he had ended up living for the past eleven weeks. Until finally things had started to go back to normal – well, the new normal – again.

It had been painful, to go on like that. Michael seemed pretty much in control of the situation, and that was not surprising in the slightest. Given the scope of the changes he had been forced to make in his life in the past decade, this thing was nothing but a momentary bump. However, Lisa’s situation was different.

For the first time since she had met Michael again, she had been forced to be away from him. The reasons for what was happening were mighty different from the past and even justifiable, but it was all too reminiscent of a time of her life she didn’t like to think about. And the reckoning had come, inevitably. She had been able to tolerate the first couple of weeks of that new routine, but then she had started to have issues sleeping. Eating didn’t give her the same joy. She felt alone, even though the baby was always with her and she knew that all the other kids were OK and would soon be back, too. And seeing Michael on the screen of her laptop or smartphone, when they video-called each other, had told her that he had been experiencing the same discomfort.

“Hey, I like your new accommodation.”

Michael had laughed, tiredly.

“I know, right? Look at that!” He had vaguely gestured at the clean, minimally furnished living room. “It also has a flat TV.”

“Good. I hope you’ll find something interesting to watch. You know, something that will keep you nice and distracted from the Red Light District.”

He had smiled, brightly.

“Why should I even go there, when all I ever want is just a short flight away?”

The warmth that Lisa had experienced just by hearing him say those words was hard to explain.

“See? That’s the perfect answer. You’re such an amazing husband.”

They had laughed together at how silly they still could be despite what was going on. But then, eventually, the playful moment had subsided.

“I miss you… and Kellan.”

“I miss you too, baby. Please, come home soon.”

“I’m trying, Lise. I promise, I’m doing everything I can.”

Only, there wasn’t much that he could do. Public oblivion had brought him peace of mind, but he had been forced to surrender his power in return. Quid pro quo. And Lisa knew that a part of him would never get used to that.

And so, just like the rest of the world, Michael and Lisa had waited and waited. A month after his departure, Lisa had noticed that he had begun to look sick. He was pale, sweaty and looked like he was starting to lose weight.

“Are you running a fever?”

“Yeah. Nothing serious, though.”

Michael’s voice had sounded hoarse in an unnatural way. It was nothing like the huskiness Lisa automatically associated with their most intimate conversations or the afterglow of their lovemaking. He was unwell, and she had started to panic.

“Did you see a doctor? There must be an ER over there. You need to find out what is wrong with you and get tested and-”

“Lise… Lisa Marie. Please. I’m fine. It’s just exhaustion. And stress. I’ve been beyond drained for weeks now and I admit I haven’t been eating as much and as healthy as I’m supposed to do. But I’m OK. Or I will be. Don’t get worried for nothing, baby.”

Yeah, right. That was easier said than done. And that time, Lisa hadn’t even pretended that she was going to stop worrying. In fact, she had prodded and insisted until Michael had finally been able to get tested. He had been smart enough to tell her only after getting his results – which were negative. Lisa had exhaled the biggest sigh of relief in recent times.

“Oh thank God. Fucking hell… Shit.”

“Hey, watch your mouth! See? I was right. It’s just a bit of exhaustion. And… well, bronchitis.”

“Are you taking your meds?”

The last thing she wanted was for his Lupus to flare up.

“I am. Don’t worry. I wanna be nice and healthy when I come back.”

“Good. Please, don’t forget.”

“You know I won’t. I plan on spending a very long time with you, girl. You, on the other hand… Please be careful, OK.”

“Of course I will be. Don’t get stressed, Mike. We’re good.”

Oh, he had become good at taking care of himself. That much, Lisa could tell. He would never overdo and only took medications when it was strictly necessary. Even during such a challenging time, and despite his fear that his wife and kids could get sick, Michael had remained calm and in control of himself. His attitude had helped her feel more secure. He was her comfort zone, yes, but seeing him through a screen would just not do. Not forever, anyway.

When he called a couple of days earlier telling her that he had finally been able to buy a plane ticket, she had screamed into the phone. Making him laugh like mad, too. Oh, how she had loved to hear him so carefree, how she had enjoyed being silly with him, and how she couldn’t wait to see him again.

“I can’t believe it. Forty-fucking-eight hours and I’ll see you again.”

“Feels like centuries, huh…” He had sighed into the phone. “Lisa, Lisa… I really wanna be home. Where I belong.”

Instant warmth spreading from her heart to every single nerve ending. Home.

Yeah, she shared the same feelings. Scotland was their refuge and their peace, and it was essential that he found that shelter again. After Kellan’s birth, Lisa knew that Michael had honestly and thoroughly expressed his desire to settle down and live his life in peace. No more surprises – which he kind of hated, anyway. Just a beautiful routine after a life spent on an unpredictable roller-coaster. She was not sure if he had any idea of how much she wanted the exact same thing.

The only problem in Michael’s perfect plan was that he would not be landing in Glasgow or Edinburgh, which were pretty close to Ròs House. Both airports were busy implementing new disinfection technologies – canceling flights in the process. The remaining landings and departures were still chaotic and random, as if the entire world needed time and experience to adjust to an entirely new set of rules. From Amsterdam, he had only been able to book a flight to Aberdeen, in northeast Scotland – which was over two hours away from Michael and Lisa’s home. He would also be landing late at night, around 1 AM, simply because the alternative was to wait some more days before having another chance to go back home.

Well, neither Michael or Lisa were willing to wait any longer. They were a middle-aged couple and they had learned that youth didn’t last forever. They also had already wasted a lot of time – years that could have been filled with beautiful memories and had ended up being nothing but empty pages. Their time was now. It was now or never. Every second counted.

“Well, don’t worry about it. I’ll Uber myself home in no time and reach you in bed before you even notice.” He had giggled into the phone. “And then I promise you’ll know that I’m back.”

His sexy tone was hard to ignore, but there was still something that had to be dealt with.

“I sure hope so, but there’s no way in hell you’re taking a cab. I’ll be there. In Aberdeen, greeting my husband. And then we’ll drive back home together. And don’t even start – ‘cause I ain’t having none of it.”

“….Wow, OK. You seem to have it all figured out. Who am I to say no?”

Behind his nonchalant response, Lisa could tell that he was happy. He loved being pampered after all.

Despite getting in the car a little after ten in the evening, it took Lisa over two hours to reach the airport, after leaving Kellan with Miss Emma and her husband. Michael had expressed anxiety knowing that she would be driving alone. He was fearful that she would fall asleep behind the wheel, and Lisa had laughed his concerns off, telling him that it wouldn’t be that late and – most of all – that she wasn’t that old.

As a matter of fact, she wasn’t tired at all and her mind was reeling. It felt weird to even be experiencing such thrilling sensations, as if she was twenty-five again. After all, this was Michael – her husband, her love, a man who she knew intimately. And yet, it was because he was who he was that Lisa felt that way. He had always been able to evoke a storm of contrasting emotions inside of her. Even though they were chaotic and jumbled up at times, they would eventually just untangle and be laid bare, in such a powerful display of colors to become almost blinding. Now, with Kellan at home, she experienced once again that weird dichotomy: she wanted to be with her baby, but she also desperately needed time for her husband. The two halves of who Lisa was. The mother and the woman. The caretaker and the lover.

It’s OK, she told herself. Kellan is fine. You and Michael will see him tomorrow and everything will go back to normal. The baby is in good hands. All you have to focus on, right now, is Michael.

The remembrance of Emma’s calm, soft dark eyes as the toddler was put into her arms had the power to reassure Lisa instantly. And knowing that Marcus too would be spending the night at the mansion sealed the deal. The baby was safe. There was no doubt about that.

Since the previous year, the two staff members had never addressed Michael’s true identity again and Lisa was glad they hadn’t. If anything, their devotion and ever-growing attention showed her how honest and trustworthy they were in their stance. Allies, with no incentive to be anything but that. What a relief.

Lisa had no idea when Emma had realized that Mr. Ethan was, in fact, none other but one of the most famous personalities that ever graced the planet, but what she did know was that the woman understood why he needed to conceal his identity. Why the man he once had been required to remain in the afterlife. And although it was unclear if Marcus also had realized the truth, it was apparent that he too had been doing his best to grant Michael, Lisa, and their kids absolute faithfulness and complete privacy. A weird sense of gratitude for being so protected invaded her.

It was a breath of fresh air, to have such trusted people surrounding them finally, after too many parvenus and lackeys clinging onto them for decades. People who had no business meddling. People who had contributed to the destruction. People who had ruined Michael’s life – and hers, too.

Sighing, Lisa blindly reached out and took Michael’s sweatshirt from the passenger seat. It was his favorite hoodie – a red one, very simple, nothing major – that he had forgotten to bring with him when he had left. She brought it up to her face and inhaled deeply, reveling in Michael’s unique scent. Aftershave and cologne, soap, and something that only belonged to him. A scent that had haunted her in her sleep, and sometimes even when she was awake, in the years that she had spent thinking that he was gone. While in fact he had only been observing her from afar, unbeknown to her.

Her heart squeezed in her chest. To think that, in theory, he was not supposed to contact her ever again still gave her physical pain. It made her shiver. She shook her head and chased the inevitable feeling of panic away. No, that hadn’t happened. This was their world. They had earned it, paid for it with tears and blood. This was the parallel universe that was always meant to be.

Realizing that she had tensed up, she relaxed her shoulders and focused her mind on something else. She thought that Michael would be glad to have something familiar and comfortable to wear, after his flight. She also hoped the other little plan she had concocted would be just as welcomed. In fact, she was pretty sure it would be, despite her husband’s notorious allergy to every surprise he was not in charge of.

Michael had to fight against the growing urge to not elbow his way out of the plane. In moments like this, decades of physical and emotional training granted him the self-control that he needed not to capitulate before the most basic human instincts. Which, in this case, were only about getting the hell out of the terminal as quickly as he could.

Glancing at his watch, he noticed that he had fallen a bit behind schedule, because the plane had landed about twenty minutes later than initially planned. He frowned and mumbled something to himself. If he had enjoyed the benefits of his very personal timezone in the past, knowing well that whoever was waiting for him would just keep waiting no matter what, now that too had changed. Right now, he felt he wasn’t twenty minutes late, but two centuries. And so he was in a hurry.

It didn’t matter how much he had been able to control himself during his video-calls with Lisa. Being away from his family and not having control of what was going on around him had, as usual, been painful and anxiety-inducing. He had been forced to muster all the resources he had to just keep going. Back to that survival place he had inhabited before meeting Lisa again. However, there was something diametrically different now, compared to the past: he had a place to go back to. He had a home waiting for him. He just needed to remember how able he was to face complete loneliness, and then endure the current predicament for as long as necessary.

Despite telling Lisa that he was not interested in it at all, one night Michael had gotten out and indeed visited the Red Light District in Amsterdam. It was not because he planned to engage in anything unsavory, but because he felt reckless and bored and needed to do something other than just letting time pass. And so he had found himself downtown, just strolling around like a casual tourist, unbothered, unnoticed. Invisible. Watching the never-ending string of beautiful girls dancing behind the glasses, the stroboscopic lights, listening to music he barely recognized. Amsterdam was still trying hard to behave as if nothing major was going on back then. Still, he could tell that everything was already changing. The girls were there, but the roads were not as packed as they would usually be.

Michael had stopped in front of one of the bars. Just standing outside the entrance, glancing at what the place had to offer. One of the girls had noticed him and had smiled at him as she kept dancing.

Were those women beautiful? Yes, of course. Michael could understand the fascination. But it was nothing he was attracted to. Now, that was an exciting realization, because it was a detail that hadn’t changed through the years. Even when he and Lisa were not together, even when they would both sleep with other people, the feelings that he would experience were in no way similar to the exhilaration that always held him captive whenever he made love to her. He was a slave to her love, he always had been.

And even now, so many years later, this bearded, older, heavier guy that he had become was still racing toward that same nebula of light and heat. In plain terms, Michael was pacing the terminal rapidly, his duffel bag carelessly thrown over his shoulder and a black mask solidly on his face. It was all so reminiscent of older times that it made him grin whenever he thought about it.

As he walked past a huge wall-mounted mirror he couldn’t help but glance at himself and assess his appearance. Did he look good enough for Lisa, wearing simple black pants and a black V-neck cardigan? He sure hoped so. He knew he had lost weight while in exile in Amsterdam but, in the past couple of weeks or so, he had done his best to go back to his usual self, feeling that the time to go home was approaching. Now that he finally had gotten used to his new look, he didn’t want Lisa to experience another massive change in appearance. The worst she would be bumping into, tonight, were a thicker beard and possibly longer hair. That was it. Nothing else had changed, and certainly not his feelings for her.

He saw her before she could see him, because his height gave him a vantage point that his miniature goddess didn’t have. Michael smiled behind the mask, melted a little inside, and then pulled at the collar of his cardigan when he realized that he was acting like a lovestruck teenager. A part of him almost wanted to stop and hide for a moment, just to enjoy that privileged point of view that allowed him to watch while being unwatched. Just to enjoy his heart beating faster in his chest.

However, he recognized all the signs. Lisa was standing there, wearing a blue mask, her hands clasped in her lap, her eyes carefully observing the people flowing the corridor. Waiting for him with a mixture of expectation and concern. Looking for him. She took his breath away and Michael’s pace slowed down, as he finally allowed himself to take a deep breath and relax. She was there for him. She looked gorgeous. And she was his.

He raised his hand and waved and Lisa’s eyes found him immediately. He could tell that she smiled right away and it was as if an invisible burden had been lifted from her shoulders. And his, too. Instant relief. It was hard to admit that he was deadly afraid he would never see her again every time he left her. Just like it had happened over a decade earlier, during their last phone call – before his life changed forever. Ended, in a way. Michael couldn’t know, but that was the last time he would hear from her in a very long time. Potentially, forever. Had he understood what was going to happen in advance, everything would have been different and maybe… maybe today…

…Nothing. Today is perfect. Don’t think about what could have been and never was. Think about what you have now. This sliding door. This parallel universe. This moment right here is all that matters.

Yes, it was the truth. This was their chance. It was nothing like what they had ever planned, but it was more than they had hoped.

Micheal saw Lisa shift her weight from one foot to the other and it was as if an invisible rubber band snapped. It was as if it broke all of a sudden, setting him free. He moved again, his pace quick and secure as he walked through the gate and finally found himself face to face with her. Well… mask to mask.

Lisa pulled her mask down, revealing her beautiful features. She was smiling and, as usual when he would miss her so much, not see her for so long, it felt like the very first time. Reaching up, she carefully touched the side of his neck, then the back of his head, her fingers tangling in his hair. Her other hand fixed the baseball cap that he was wearing. She stared at him in amazement and it made him feel all confused inside. But in the best possible way. It just never failed.

He smiled back at her.

“What?”

“Your hair is longer.” She tilted her head. “And you have no idea what it does to me to see you again – looking like this. With that mask on, you look exactly like you did back then. So many years ago. It almost feels like time hasn’t passed at all.”

But it had. Time had passed. Michael’s eyes softened and burned.

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

He swallowed.

“Hey… About what you said earlier. Maybe you could give me a haircut.”

“If you want me to, sure. When we get home.”

Finally, he reached out and took her hand, knowing well that she would not disappear in a puff of smoke.

“Hi, baby.” He pulled her into his arms and held her, inhaling her familiar scent. His heart burning in his chest. “I missed you so much.”

It was the truth. Right then and there, he realized that traveling alone was something that he would likely avoid doing from now on. He couldn’t bear wasting any more time. Even though in this case leaving had been the lesser evil, and only work-related, this was what had happened. All hell had broken loose. The entire world had stopped spinning for a while and everything had changed, and he had found himself stranded.

But wasn’t that a general rule, after all? Just like the lights and colors would change and blend in unique hues every single day, at dusk, so a man’s entire existence could crumble and be rebuilt in the bat of an eyelid. It was so easy. So unexpected. And so frightening. Michael could not and would not allow his life to lose light again.

Pulling his mask down, he allowed Lisa to see all of him and her smile grew wider and more tender. She caressed his cheek.

“There you are, Mike. Hi, my love. I missed you too.”

Glancing around, Michael made sure nobody was staring at them, then kissed her. Everything else just stopped being of any importance.

“So, tell me again where we’re going and why?”

There was no doubt in his mind that Lisa loved being in charge of this whole situation. And, to be quite frank, he didn’t mind one bit. As of late, allowing her to take the lead had become a pleasant pastime he could indulge in every once in a while.

Once out of the airport he had offered to drive, but she had refused, telling him that she was okay. He was too. In fact, he was thrilled and wide awake. He had dozed off for a few minutes while on the plane, but the flight had been relatively brief and he did not feel tired at all.

This made Lisa’s decision not to go back home until the next day kind of bizarre – and unexpected.

“Do you trust me?”

She spoke while keeping her eyes fixed on the road. They had already exited the city and were now driving through Cove Bay and toward Portlethen. It almost felt like floating across the universe, such was the darkness. And yet he knew that they were caught between the land and the North Sea, directed to a place that Michael had never seen before and had never even known existed. On one side there was nothing but dark water – on the other, grass and fields that the night had turned almost black in color.

“Of course I trust you. That’s why I married you. Again.”

Lisa threw him a lopsided glance.

“Is that your way to tell me that you didn’t trust me when we weren’t married?”

He had to laugh. Touché.

“My heart and my body did. My mind? Well… Not all the time. But you know the drill, don’t you? It was the same for you.”

He spoke very calmly and her lack of response was a confirmation that he was, indeed, right. For so long, they had allowed ancient fears and convoluted reasonings to cloud their judgment when it came to their relationship. With the added bonus of being utterly incapable of talking about it in an open, honest way. Now that they had become older and wiser, that obstacle too had been left behind and even though they would still fight, at times, it was nothing like the destructive tantrums that so many times in the past had bombed their love story to the ground.

“Anyway… We’re going to spend the night in Stonehaven, which is about twenty minutes away from here, because there’s absolutely zero need for us to waste two hours driving home now when we can do it tomorrow. I mean, it’s almost three in the morning. So I found this cozy place where you’ll have the chance to shower, relax, and rest for a bit. I was thinking about being home around lunch, if that is OK with you.”

“I think it’s a very… ah, thoughtful idea, Lise. I love it how you planned every single detail… Even though…”

“Even though?” Once again, she glanced at him for a second before turning back to the road.

He reached out, his hand coming to rest on her knee, and then moving higher, caressing her thigh. He loved the feeling of her leather pants under his palm, and he couldn’t wait to peel them off her. It had been way too long. He leaned closer, kissing her neck for a moment.

“…Even though it seems to me you concocted this perfect plan just to be alone with me. And take advantage of my poor little self. Because you’re evil that way. ”

Lisa squirmed in her seat and laughed.

“Please. There’s nothing poor about you.” Then she shot him a smoldering look. “…Or little, for that matter.”