Act III – You can stay

The only thing that went through Michael’s mind was that she was bat-shit crazy.

But also, that he was one-hundred percent head over heels in love with her. He had pretended that his feelings had changed, that they had faded into oblivion, but it had never been the truth. And to have to live with that realization, to have to pretend in a way – because of it, had been more painful and excruciating that simply stepping away from Lisa, knowing that she would always be it for him. That once-in-a-lifetime occasion. That special thing in his life. His special girl.

What was she saying, by the way? She hadn’t been completely clear, but Michael was starting to get the gist. Or, at the very least, he knew her well enough to recognize the way her mind processed things. She had tried her best to pretend that everything was fine until she finally had reached her boiling point, and this was the result. She had run away.

He recognized the pattern because he could act the same way if pushed too much or backed into a corner. Hell, he knew he had done just that, more than once. Including with her. How weird it was, that every issue they had now seemed smaller, almost fixable, compared to the past.

Yet he didn’t feel like he could say anything of that sort to her right now. He just wasn’t sure the timing would be right. He and Lisa had been so open and vulnerable with each other in the past, so profoundly in tune and united, that what they had wouldn’t vanish anytime soon. Even after breaking up and clamming up, they both were still aware that the minutiae they had learned about each other through the years would always stay with them. That was what would always make their relationship different than everything else.

He could feel the emptiness and confusion that plagued her, her fear of being unable to escape. And as usual, that profound loneliness that had always been such a part of her. Something he had noticed right away when he had first met her again as an adult. Maybe nothing special had happened to bring her to his place, his home, or maybe everything had changed. Maybe she would end up telling him at some point, or maybe not. And it didn’t even matter that much at the moment. All that mattered was that she was finally there. Where she had belonged all along.

Watching her move underwater, her flowery dress swaying around her lithe body and making her look like a beautiful mermaid emerged from the ocean’s depths, Michael wondered why he hadn’t been able to overcome his hangups and see her before today. All of a sudden, all he knew was that right now, on this casual and very normal night, the world was back to being his world. A world he recognized in all its nuances and dynamics, a place he could inhabit and where he could flourish and feel content – simply for the man he was. Because she was there.

Unless… unless she left again, like she had done so many years earlier. When she had decided to go back to Danny and observe her marriage crash and burn a little longer than necessary. Instead of staying with the man she truly loved. Or unless this was nothing but some trivial getaway before she went back to her life as she knew it.

Did it matter?

Lisa re-emerged from the water at the opposite side of the pool. Leaning her back against the tiled wall. The soft fabric of her dress flowed underwater, almost in slow motion, as if it was some colored, alien living being. Her lips were red and parted, her eyes as blue as the water, her long hair plastered to her head and shoulders. Looking so young and gorgeous, as if time hadn’t passed at all. She stared at him as if waiting for him to say something, and he just smiled.

“I am not gonna say anything because it would only cause you to misbehave further. So stop staring.”

And then she laughed. A heartfelt, unguarded laugh – the first one in a very long time – that forced her to close her eyes and throw her head back. A laugh that made Michael’s heart jump in his chest.

Yeah. He was in love with her. He had fucked another woman just twenty-four hours earlier, and yet what he had felt while doing it couldn’t in any way, shape or form be compared to the emotions assaulting him now.

This will never go away.

The words materialized in his mind but never left his lips.

“Oh, man. You are something else…” She shook her head and her smile faltered, probably noticing him stare into space for a moment. “Michael…”

His eyes focused again. On her, always on her.

“Yes…”

“Are you here? With me?”

Oh yeah. He was. He was there with her and completely under her spell. And if part of him knew that he should be careful how he treaded this, another part of him wanted to just get lost into the dreamlike atmosphere of the night – no matter the consequences. Tomorrow was of no importance. All was suspended. Nothing but a bubble floating in the universe.

“Yes…”

Her eyes called out to him with their soundless chant, and he knew she didn’t need to say another word. Slowly, Michael walked around the pool and reached the opposite side of it, where she so obviously was waiting for him. He crouched down and reached out as she turned her body into the water, holding onto the poolside while still looking up at him. Her skin was tanned and shiny.

Almost out of his own volition, his fingers moved a strand of wet hair away from her forehead.

“Girl… You’re out of your mind. What are you doing?”

The words were spoken slowly, softly, and his voice sounded deeper than it usually was. Maybe getting so close to her was wrong; perhaps it would backfire, but she had to know the effect she had on him.

Lisa’s hand found his, and their fingers entwined for a moment. Familiar. Comforting. Dangerously intimate.

“Join me… Come down here with me. The water is beautiful.”

Once again feeling as if this was all a dream, Michael stood up and, still staring at her, removed his shoes and socks and began unbuttoning his shirt. Getting rid of it, he threw it on a deck chair nearby, then did the same with his t-shirt.

Instead of jumping in, he sat on the tiled pool frame and slowly slid into the water.

She was right. It was clear, and the temperature was just perfect. His naked feet touched the cold ground and he found himself face to face with Lisa. More beautiful up close than he had even imagined, and he felt like floating – metaphorically speaking. He felt like drowning while being able to breathe underwater. As if caught in some sort of parallel universe. Butterfly effect. What if he hadn’t called her back, the previous night? What if he had stayed in New York instead of flying over to L.A.? Their lives were permeated by countless what-ifs.

“Lise… Are you sure you’re OK?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on… Don’t lie to me.”

He was so incredibly drawn to her. He knew they were supposed to be just friends – that they shouldn’t be so close, but he couldn’t avoid it. Once again, he touched the side of her face, his thumb stroking her jaw. Her eyes seemed to well up and she rolled them for a second, then scoffed.

“I’m not lying. You know me. You know I tell the truth. I am OK. Or… much better, at least. Right now. Here, with you…”

“What happened? You didn’t say much, and I’m still confused. What messed you all up like this?”

He wanted to kiss her so badly, but things needed to be out in the open first. Or at the very least, he had to try to find out what ailed her.

“I don’t know. Everything, maybe. All felt suffocating. The people around me. My entire life. My choices. Some stupid decisions I made. I began wondering… what if I truly get caught in this. What’s gonna happen to me if I keep…”

“If you keep, what?”

She shook her head and sighed, her face serious now.

“If I keep pretending that everything’s fine when it’s not. I wanted to run away, I needed to escape… And I realized that this was my safe place. Just like back then…”

Back then. So many years earlier.

“…Even then, I needed to get away. And I found you.”

She seemed on the verge of saying something else, but then closed her mouth and stopped herself mid-track. It was the second time she had done this since she had arrived. How much was she holding inside? And why wasn’t she saying it out loud? What were the choices she regretted and what had pushed her over the edge, exactly? If anything, Lisa had always been the kind of woman who wore her heart on her sleeve. She never had been scared to show her feelings to him. But maybe, through the years, her heart had become weary. Maybe words had become jumbled. Loving so intensely did that to people, he too knew that.

He gave her a sad, tired smile.

“Look, there’s something I gotta know. Did that guy you were dating do something to you?”

“No, not at all… I don’t even think he has anything to do with how I feel. I just began to wonder what the meaning of all this was. I feel like I’m imprisoned in a life I’ve not always been the arbiter of.”

Michael knew a thing or two about that, as well. In fact, lack of control had also permeated their marriage, despite their best efforts. In the years after their divorce, he had become aware of how many external forces had played a role in fueling his and Lisa’s insecurities. And they had both fallen for it. Maybe that was partially why it had been much easier to be just lovers afterward. To indulge in each other privately and avoid pretty much every public scrutiny. They were finally being left alone because they were powerless. And they were helpless because, deep down, they had stopped being truly united. How was it even possible that such obvious truth had always been so clear to so many people but the two of them?

“You felt like you were just going through the motions…”

“Yeah. You know what it feels like, don’t you? Keeping up appearances when inside you’re stretched thin. Hanging by a thread. Acting like you got everything under control… that you got all you need… even though you’re feeling lost.”

There it was. Her mind-reading talent seemed to be back. Michael sighed.

“I am happy you called, then. I am glad I can still be someone you feel you can count on… Like I was in the past… when we were friends…”

Friends… they had been able to remain in that gray area for a very short time. Then they had slipped into something else entirely, and it had been inevitable. All the unsaid they had accumulated since then still hung between them like a scent.

“I thought you would say no, you know? That you didn’t want to see me…”

Well… It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see her. The problem was that he wanted to see her a little too much, and he had never liked not to feel in control of his emotions.

“No, it was never about that. I was just caught off guard, that’s all.”

“And I wasn’t expecting you to return to the ranch for me, either.”

Right. He could very well have just stayed in New York and let her come and go as she pleased. Lisa, of course, could stay at Neverland even if he wasn’t there. It had happened before.

Maybe in different circumstances he would have denied that he had flown back early because of her, but why bother now? He didn’t know why, but tonight all felt different. More honest. More unguarded.

“I didn’t know how you were, and I knew I had to see you in person if I wanted to find out. I mean, you didn’t tell me anything over the phone. Besides, you know how it is… friends take care of each other.”

He kept staring at her. Not glancing down at her lips was incredibly difficult, but he held firm.

And then Lisa moved, just slightly. Her arms circled his shoulders and, a second later, she buried her hands in his hair as she stared back at him. He didn’t break eye contact either.

“Uh-uhm… Friends…” Her gaze fell on his lips. She looked drunk, but he knew she wasn’t. “Yeah… I remember us being friends… Were you really that concerned?”

“Of course…”

Her fingernails scraped his scalp ever so slightly. He felt goosebumps all over his skin, and it had nothing to do with the water.

What was she doing?

Feeling almost inebriated, dazed, he held her by the waist and moved a step closer. Into her personal space. Pushing her back ever so slightly, her back adhering to the side of the pool. The feeling of her fingers in his hair, on his naked skin. The contact of her fingertips with the back of his neck, his shoulders. So familiar. He had missed it so much. Missed her.

And then he kissed her. As if it was the most natural thing to do. How could he not? He kissed her the same way he had kissed her many years earlier, for the very first time and before their entire world turned upside down. It hadn’t happened in the pool, back then, but under his favorite tree. Yet the atmosphere felt so very similar.

At first, it was all very light. Delicate. Circumspect. Michael’s eyes closed for a moment, then opened again and focused on her face. Lisa seemed so utterly lost in the moment. Present, yet gone. And he wanted to be there with her.

“Lisa…”

Her heavy eyelids rose.

“Do you really want this? It’s not something you’re doing to… I don’t know…” He swallowed, hoping this truly was not the case. “…Forget about whatever you need to forget about…”

She blinked. Then grabbed his head with both hands and kissed him again. Hard. Her tongue sweeping into his mouth like she had done millions of times before, making him feel dizzy. Seduced. She pulled back, breathing hard.

“You really think I’d ever do that? To you, of all people? As if I didn’t…”

“As if you didn’t, what?”

Her thumb stroked his jaw.

“…As if I didn’t love you…”

Those two words floated around him like a breeze, swirled in a multitude of colors and reached him deep inside. Too powerful to be deciphered rationally at the moment. Too intense to prevent him from simply reacting. All he could do was kiss her again and, when he did, everything around them seemed to just disappear.

He got lost in Lisa, and Lisa got lost in him. Even years later, his memories about what happened next would be blurry yet utterly clear, as if he was reliving the moment in a loop in his mind. The way he had removed her summer dress and threw it somewhere, he didn’t even know where. The way she had kept kissing him – his mouth, his neck, his shoulders – as her nimble fingers reached down, undoing his belt and unzipping his pants, which had ended up landing at the bottom of the pool – together with his black boxers – like a dark jellyfish. The way he had run his hands down her smooth thighs as he pushed down her g-string until it had simply disappeared into the blue, while her fingers found him, stroked him, making him harder and more aroused than he had been in a very long time. The way she had closed her legs around his waist as he held her by that perfect ass. The way they had stared at each other, her hands framing his face first, then holding onto his head, as he entered her slowly – inch by inch. They hadn’t even needed any foreplay. Or even better than that, their foreplay had been made of words and looks and just close proximity after so much time spent apart. This moment had been building up hours, that much he knew.

When he found himself inside her body again, he closed his eyes and swallowed hard. The feeling of being suspended, of floating in a different universe was amplified by the water he and Lisa were immersed in. He felt her lips against his ear.

“Oh, God… How I missed you. How I missed this. Move, please…”

Slowly at first, and then with increasing intensity, they started their dance. Or resumed it. Never breaking eye contact if not for engaging in those kisses they both had longed for so much. But mostly, they just stared into each other’s eyes and lived that raw, primal experience that at some point they had thought they would never live again.

It was not soft, slow, or gentle. It was fucking, and yet at the same time they both knew it was also making love. It didn’t even last that long. The urgency was too intense, the flames were riding way too high to be tamed. They climaxed together within minutes, moaning out loud, breathing hard, almost feeling as if the pool’s cool water had become scorching hot. They hadn’t used protection and hadn’t stopped to think about what they were doing either. They had just done it – because it was all they wanted. Being once again together that way was all that mattered.

Afterward, Lisa kept her legs around his waist. She held him inside her body as he rested his forehead against her shoulder, panting and kissing her skin.

They didn’t say a word.

Lisa inhaled deeply. All her cells recognized the scent of Michael’s skin. Manly, intoxicating and clean. At some point during their crazy years together, breathing him in, holding him close and reveling in their closeness had been one of the highest points of her life. Right now, it almost felt as if not a single day had passed since then.

She kept her eyes half-closed as her hand slid on his naked chest, coming to rest over his heart.

Tu-thump. Tu-thump. Tu-thump.

Regular and strong. Just having the chance to feel his heartbeat like this again made her smile.

After making love in the pool, she and Michael had somehow managed to reach one of the huge sun chairs nearby and had laid down on the soft cushions, covering themselves up with a large towel. Their limbs intertwined, they had just rested there for a while, just like they would have done in their bed, listening to the sounds of the night. And possibly thinking about what had just transpired.

Lisa didn’t know what he was thinking, but she hoped he didn’t believe her behavior had been planned. She certainly hadn’t come to the ranch to seduce Michael or drag him into that old, worn-out mechanism they had experienced countless times before. As a matter of fact, the quality of what had happened was different than usual, that much she could tell. She wished she had the courage to ask him if he felt the same way, but she really didn’t want to spoil the moment.

She focused on him and the vibes he was giving off.

Michael seemed relaxed, content, and not at all in a hurry to leave their quiet, intimate spot. There was no doubt in Lisa’s mind that something in him had shifted. Even the way he had made love to her earlier had been different. If before their final breakup their sexual encounters had been permeated by a subtle sense of longing and loss – at times even by resentment and bitterness – nothing of that sort had been there when he had fucked her brains out, pulverizing her inside because of the amount of pleasure he had inflicted. And he, too, had fallen on his own sword, losing control at the same time as she had. Coming so hard and long, she thought he would split her in two.

His body had never lied to her, and she had felt its reactions. She had felt how into it he was. How much they had blended together, like colors mixing in the sky during a storm.

“You wanna go back to the house?”

His voice sounded low and husky, gentle. Sexy. One of the things Lisa had always loved about him was how he never raised his voice. He didn’t need to. He commanded attention just by speaking calmly – or just by being there. His mere presence was enough. That was the essence of his harmonious, placid, yet intense masculinity.

“Do you?”

His arm was around her shoulders and he pulled her closer to him, sighing. Glancing up at his face, she noticed that he was staring at the starry night. His evening stubble had broken through, his hair was still damp, and he looked magnificent. Just gorgeous.

“Actually, no. Not for now, at least.”

Lisa smiled to herself and snuggled more against his body. Her fingers traced lazy circles on his solid abdomen, then moved up to his chest.

“Hey, Mike…”

“What?”

“Are the cameras on?”

He rose his head lazily and glanced around, eyeing the security cameras installed all around the area, then leaned back into the soft cushions.

“Ah… I have no idea.”

She had to chuckle.

“Oh, shit. Here we are, naked by the pool, and maybe we’re being filmed. Your security detail is probably having a blast right now.”

“Well… But we got this big-ass towel.”

“Right. I guess we’re safe, then. But what’s gonna happen when we finally decide to go back to the house? Our clothes are in the pool.”

Michael giggled, and her heart melted. He sounded so relaxed, so carefree. Had she done that? Had she been able to contribute to a little bit of that serenity she could now clearly perceive, and that hadn’t been there when she had arrived at the ranch? He had looked tired, fatigued. He had worried her.

“Maybe we can borrow some clothes from the service room. I’m sure there are some tees and sweater pants in there somewhere.” He pointed at a little concrete cabin across the pool – white walls, blue roof. “But we’ll have to be quick and stealthy. You know… Just in case the cameras are indeed on…”

He looked down at her, a little mischievous smirk on his face, and their eyes met. He looked so peaceful, glowing almost. Reaching up, Lisa touched his face. The back of her fingers rasping against his night stubble. Did he even know how beautiful he was to her?

“We’ll be stealthy…”

She felt his warm hand on the back of her neck and then he pulled her closer, and they kissed again. Softly at first, and then with increasing hunger. With urgency. The ball of fire inside her belly began spinning, spinning, spinning and she knew exactly what would happen next – cameras or not.

Before long, she reached down and found him hard and ready again. The feeling of holding him in her hand, of his solid, warm steel straining, reacting to her touch was inebriating. His breathing labored, his skin flushed – his kisses more and more demanding and burning. His caresses… as seductive as she remembered them to be. Lisa hadn’t felt so perfectly at ease in such a long time. He was home to her – still and regardless of what had separated them time and time again.

They moved together, utterly in sync as usual, and she came to rest on top of him. She sat astride him and leaned over, her hands in his hair as they kissed, loving his touch all over her naked body. The night breeze became more insistent, slightly colder, but she didn’t even notice. What she did notice was him reaching down and guiding himself inside of her once again, without saying a word. The strain of her own body to accommodate his impressive size, to which she was no longer used despite remembering every inch of it and the pleasure it would always bring her. The intensity of finally having him encased in her body. The rhythm of their dance as she started to sway in his lap. His hands cupping her breasts and fondling them, as if she belonged to him still. And it was just that way, whether she admitted it or not.

Lisa still remembered how she had felt while making love to Michael for the first time. The feeling of dying and resurrecting. It had been as if her body was created to fit with his. As if, once connected that way, they found some higher purpose. Together.

She moaned – pretty loudly. And Michael didn’t seem to mind letting her know about his pleasure either. After all, they had never been made for quiet lovemaking – not when together, at least.

She came hard. Once, twice. Her body took the extreme onslaught of pleasure that being one with him entailed. Every time she climaxed, her heart expanded some more, forcing her to bend over and seek his lips, kiss him hard, wanting to feel his tongue in her mouth, his hands on her, his scent all over her. And when finally his control too snapped, when he held her by the waist and went rigid for a moment before letting himself go, spilling his essence inside of her, tears rose into her eyes and she did nothing to stop them.

A few days later – Michael’s ranch

She was only pretending to be asleep, but it was OK. He would let her chill for another minute or two and enjoy the sight of her sinewy, naked body just lying there, half-covered by those white sheets. In his bed. After all, they hadn’t rested much the previous night. Or at all…

Just thinking about what they had done made him feel all tingly inside. The lengths they had pushed their bodies. And how many times.

The cool morning breeze moved the curtains and brought in the scent of rain from the open French windows, caressing Lisa’s naked back and hair and twisting some strands on the pillows. When she was this relaxed, when she was content and fulfilled like this, she became pure light to him.

Michael knew that, once she finally got up, it would be time for her to leave and he didn’t mind postponing the moment. He knew that what they had been experiencing for the past few days was probably nothing more than a parenthesis. He suspected that, despite everything feeling different, all would likely end up being a wash, rinse and repeat of what had already happened countless times before.

His heart, however, spelled something different and did so in a Morse code that was impossible to misunderstand.

H-O-P-E.

For their present, their future, for the life they deserved to live. Together. Because they had always deserved better than what they had ended up getting.

“Lisa? Are you awake?”

Rhetorical question.

“Not really. But I like your eyes on me. I can feel them, you know…”

How serene she sounded. Her voice was maybe a little raspy, but hey… Not his fault she was so vocal about how much she liked what he did to her while they were making love. And she certainly had been pretty clear about how she felt throughout the entire night.

Her eyes still closed, she smiled and blindly reached out, finding his hand. She brought it close to her mouth and kissed his knuckles, again and again. Her lips were soft, in sharp contrast with her teeth when she bit him gently.

Since she had arrived at the ranch, they hadn’t spoken much nor engaged in any more soul-searching conversations about the state of their friendship. Friendship with benefits. Relationship. Or whatever it was. Their private moment in the pool had been the only occasion when they had found the courage to face what was really going on between them. And yet, despite all those unspoken words, their time together had been undiluted perfection. Each day had been unspeakable harmony.

They spent almost every minute in each other’s company, taking care of the kids together, relaxing outdoors and… making love. All the time. Everywhere. Not stopping until they were spent and breathless. To Michael, it was almost a big deja-vu of her first stay at the ranch, before he and Lisa got together despite her being married to Danny. Only, this time it felt multiplied tenfold.

Maybe he was getting old and emotional, and looking back at the past was something he couldn’t avoid any longer.

If that was the case, he had just discovered that maturity made sex even better, especially with a lover who knew you inside out. And obviously, his and Lisa’s mutual attraction was still there – as always. However, each time it felt as if another layer of whatever manure they had thrown at each other through the years disappeared. If only they could keep making love forever, until nothing remained but the bare intensity and sincerity of their feelings. Maybe that would be the sliding door truly able to make a difference.

Desire was a powerful tool, Michael knew that. But so was fear. Fear was a gag over their mouth. Would they ever be able to overcome it?

He stared at her intensely for what felt like forever. So focused that everything else disappeared. Only Lisa remained, and she was all he saw.

“Lisa… I love you… You gotta know that.”

It came out just like that, and his voice was calm and secure.

This time, she opened her eyes and looked up at him. Michael could see her barely contained astonishment – even her shock, in a way – because he had never uttered those words since she her arrival. She had been the one breaking the ice in that department – sort of – when they had first made love in the pool, but up until this point he had never been able to reciprocate. Not verbally, at least.

And now, his most sacred confession had tumbled out of his mouth before he could even realize it.

Lisa just stared at him quietly, her lips still touching his knuckles. Like a deer caught in the headlights. Should he say more? Just to make himself totally clear?

“I am in love with you. I never stopped. You must know that… Just in case.”

She winced.

“Just in case…? Why? What are you talking about? What happened?”

She was about to panic. His voice remained calm, his face composed.

“Nothing happened. I just want you to know… That’s all.”

She simply had to know. There was no way around it. Spending a handful of days with her and his kids – nobody else but them – had solidified his feelings even more. Michael had remembered everything about what truly being with Lisa meant. And not in the way it had been for a while, before they broke up for the final time, when he had kept her at arm’s length and she had done the same with him. Out of fear. Out of love. Out of confusion. The intensity of their sexual connection was there, but that of their feelings had been carefully guarded for a very long time. To the point that they had almost forgotten what taking all from each other meant.

That caution had disappeared now. And Michael had reminisced all about the way it was before. When they were full of hope for the future, full of plans, and so profoundly united. When exchanging a glance was enough to understand each other, without much of a word.

He had no idea what had made the past few days so different. Maybe it had been because she was in the most vulnerable and open state he had seen her in a very long time. And perhaps because he was tired of pretending that being without her didn’t mean anything to him. That he could live his life focusing just on his children and his music, fucking some women on the sidelines when he felt too lonely. Going through the motions, just like she was. Perhaps he and Lisa were way more similar than he had ever imagined, and maybe this was their serendipitous moment.

A miniature miracle caught in a minuscule time loop.

Regardless, she had to be aware of the quality of his emotions before she left again. Just in case something happened and he could never utter those words again. He could never see her face again. Touch her, kiss her, hold her again, make her aware of what she meant to him. He had always been a bit of a fatalist, that was for sure, but usually not in a negative way. He had no idea where that sudden sense of predestination had come from. He had no reason to even think that he and Lisa would never speak again, but… life was so fleeting. As fleeting as the moments he and Lisa had spent together in the past few days. Or years. Ephemeral, transitory, yet immortal at the same time. Eternal. This woman was his interminable emotion in a life full of temporary things.

How could his words even express something so immense and complicated?

“Oh, damn it…! Damn you, Mike…” Her voice breaking, Lisa shifted and sniffled. “Why you gotta do this? Just as I’m about to leave! You drive me absolutely crazy, you know? I didn’t come here expecting to still feel this way about you… to have my heart kidnapped again like this… and now… Here you come with your big revelations… ”

She sat up, the white sheet covering her body sliding down, revealing her beautiful, naked breasts. She about threw herself into his arms, hiding her face in the crook of his neck as she held onto his shoulders. Her body shaking slightly.

Michael ran his hands up and down her naked back.

“What…? Don’t tell me you didn’t have an inkling that it wasn’t just sex for me…”

He chuckled and immediately felt stupid for trying to make light of such a critical moment. The truth was that his eyes burned and he never wanted to let her go again. He never wanted to pretend that he was OK with her seeing other guys. Or that just being friends with her was the highlight of his existence.

“Sometimes you tell me all I need to know without even saying a word. Some other times… you almost feel like a stranger to me.” She pulled back, her eyes downcast now, her face half-hidden by her long, tousled hair. “Or so I felt in the past, at least…”

“But not now?”

With immense tenderness, he pushed a strand of hair behind her ear just to have a better view of her face. Hoping he could read her clearly even if her words ended up being stunted again.

“Not now, no… I just wasn’t… expecting this.” Blinking, she found the courage to look up at him and their eyes met. “You never said it before.”

He knew he hadn’t. He just had no idea why.

“Look… You’re finally here. With me. Where you belong. It doesn’t even matter what happens next. You’re here now. I know it means something. Not everything needs to be said out loud all the time…”

Accurate, at least in general terms. Yet, he should have told her more often.

Sighing, she tilted her head to a side. Her hand coming to rest on the side of his face, her beautiful features softening.

“This feels so much like the past… And just like then, what you can do to me scares the living shit out of me. The way you’ve always made me feel.”

He framed her face with both hands and kissed her. Taking from her – again. Her love, even her pain. The sizzling, vital energy that ran like electricity between them.

When she pulled back, he was about to tell her that he knew why she had to leave now. It was because her children would be back at home before lunch, yes, but there was also something more. It was about him giving her everything he got but then taking it back, depriving her of the safety and reassurance she wanted, needed and deserved. How could she not be scared it would happen again? And how could he not be afraid that she wouldn’t disappoint him again?

God… being terrified and pretending otherwise was just so fucking exhausting.

All of a sudden, Michael realized why, for years after their divorce, it had been so convenient for them to act as if what kept happening was just something random. Something that didn’t make much sense, bound to be consumed and then put aside until the next time.

He wondered if the first crack in his trust had been inflicted back in the day, when Lisa had gone back to Danny – deciding to stay married to him a little longer instead of being with the man she truly loved. He hadn’t realized it then, but it made sense. He had been more than willing to give her all she wanted, but she was dubious. Perhaps, irrationally he had begun resenting her. Maybe that feeling had kickstarted his refusal to work on his own fears. In order to overcome them, he would have to accept that they existed. Quite the challenging feat for a man who refused fear as a principle.

But she was scared too. She was young, and his life – his level of fame – was a lot to handle. It brought baggage. To understand him deeply didn’t necessarily mean that she’d have it easy. Eventually, they both had brought their fears into their marriage. No wonder it had imploded at one point, despite the breathtaking intensity of their love for one another.

Michael blinked and focused on her eyes. They were remote, glazed over. Her bottom lip trembled slightly, and he could tell she was trying hard not to turn into an emotional mess right before returning home.

“It’s OK, baby girl. I understand.” He pulled her close again and kissed her naked shoulder. “It’s OK. Go get dressed.”

This felt so much like the past. The same past that had ended so badly. No butterfly effect could have the power to change it. Not until they both snapped out of a fate that someone else seemed to have already written for them.

Only then, maybe, a different future would be possible.