The Water’s Whisper

Santa Catalina Island – Open Sea – June 2002

The salty breeze coming from the sea forced Lisa to close her eyes. She held onto the bulwark and allowed her body to move following the water’s flow. It almost felt like a dance and maybe, in different conditions, it would have been just that. But not right then – and not right there.

Summer was right around the corner, yet the temperature was quite cold for a June day. She wondered why in the world Michael had agreed to meet her at sea, when they certainly didn’t lack the financial means or opportunities to see each other in one of their many properties. Or a hotel room. It had happened many times before, after all.

Yeah – maybe a hotel room wasn’t the best place for two exes to meet. It wasn’t that they had ended up fucking like rabbits in those, in the past.

So, all in all, maybe it all made sense. Neutral territory – or unexplored territory – and all that jazz. Opening her eyes again, Lisa glanced up at the sky. Steel gray and peppered with clouds that didn’t look fluffy and comforting, but menacing. And maybe it also made sense that Michael could finally enjoy a day outdoors without fearing the sun would burn him alive. He had always loved nature, yet he had very few opportunities to be fully immersed in it, to be embraced by it, for many reasons.

“How long ‘til we get there?”

“Five minutes or so, I think. It’s not gonna take long. He’s at sea, but not too far away from the coast. Just far enough to have some privacy.”

It was so weird to have Wayne standing next to her as if he was part of her team, when he was Michael’s. Yet, his presence felt familiar and easy, like it had been for the many years she and Michael had spent together – one way or another. Wayne had always been there, never judging, only making sure that they could be and feel safe. The fact that Michael had sent him out to get Lisa to wherever he wanted to meet her could be considered, all in all, an act of genuine courtesy.

She wanted to ask more. Mostly, she wanted to know why in the world Michael had – apparently – bought a whole-ass yacht to begin with. Lisa knew he loved the ocean, but through all their years together he had never even entertained the idea of owning a boat. So this came a bit as a surprise. But why, after all? Everything going on was surprising in a way.

Lisa and Michael had split up about one year earlier, and this time it had been for good. She had felt it deep in her bones and had told him.

“You know this time I’m not coming back, right…”

Michael had stayed quiet for so long that, at some point, she had begun thinking he would never answer. He had just kept staring into space, standing before the window. The green of the valleys and lawns of his ranch taking all his visual. He held a glass of wine, and she knew he was tipsy. She was too, but still way too clear-minded not to understand that this wasn’t one of her usual knee-jerk reactions.

“Yeah… I know.” Another pause. “I know that, Lisa.”

When he had finally spoken, his voice was low, somber. He hadn’t even turned to look at her – but she hadn’t taken it personally. Not only because she was exhausted and emotionally drained, but also because she knew he was hurting. They both were. And at some point, they had been forced to accept that they were going nowhere as a couple. The sex was great, yes, and the feelings were still there, but she and Michael were heading in different directions. They had been straying from each other for quite some time.

Lisa had left a few minutes later and she hadn’t come back. Just like she had said she would. It had been hard, of course. Extenuating. To pretend she no longer loved him, that she was done with him, that her heart was closed off and that she had finally moved on. Out of desperation she had turned to the church, and they had helped her. Or so she thought. Regardless, their “technology” and countless “counseling” sessions had been enough for Lisa to be able to lie to Michael when he had called her, six months earlier. Asking her if she still loved him.

Staring at the yacht getting closer and closer as the motorboat surfed the waves, she shook her head. Even today, she had no idea how she had been able to tell him that all she felt for him was indifference. Maybe it had only worked because they were over the phone, as she knew she would have never been able to deliver her script so convincingly had Michael stood right in front of her. But it had happened. And he must have fallen for it, because she had heard him cry and he had never called her back since.

But then she had ended up being the one getting in touch with him, about a week earlier. Or at least she had tried to. Speaking directly to him had been more challenging than expected, way harder than in the past, and had happened only after quite a lot of back and forth with one of his staff members. The phone call with Michael had been quick and casual, courteous but detached – just to set up their meeting.

At sea.

Lisa couldn’t, for the life of her, imagine why in the world he had agreed to meet her now, after what had transpired among them. The crashing and burning of a relationship that, maybe, had been doomed from the start. At least in this life – and in this world. But it had happened, and even when she had told him that maybe he wouldn’t care about what she had to tell him, he had still wanted to see her. Didn’t he hate her?

“But it’s gonna be on my terms, this time.”

She had no idea what he meant by that and hadn’t dared to ask. All felt foreign, alien. They had lost the ability to sincerely face one another long ago, but apparently couldn’t stop talking yet. Some time might pass, they would pretend the other didn’t exist, just to be reeled back at some point, for one reason or another. Maybe Michael thought this was what was going on now. And Lisa would have to convince him otherwise.

She would have to tell him about those nightmares she had. About her fears. Mostly, she’d have to tell him about the rumors that kept reaching her about him. Stuff she knew was true to the very core. And it wasn’t even about the women she was aware he fucked. She couldn’t blame him for that – after all, he was single. A free man. It was more about the people he frequented, and even worse, those he would soon surround himself with. The vampires that were closing in on him. Those were the real issue. Those could cause him more trouble he didn’t deserve.

The only remaining question was: why was she even bothering wanting to speak to him personally, when all she felt was indifference?

Simple, yet tragic. Because it wasn’t true. She had never been and could never be indifferent to him – no matter how many times she repeated those words in Clearwater or how convincing she sounded. And maybe, just maybe, Michael would never have to know. It wasn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. If she managed to have him listen to her for once in his life, her inner turmoil would likely quiet down. If she managed to have him dodge the bullets coming his way, maybe he would never need to know that she still loved him, and her mourning in the past year had been about realizing she would take that feeling with her in this life and the next ones. An endless cycle of pain and love, of elation and loss.

She thought she had been ready to see him, but she was wrong. What could have looked so different in just a year? Not much, she was sure. How naive she could be.

When Wayne took her hand as she stepped onto the yacht’s deck, Michael was still nowhere in sight and Lisa took a moment to just look around, still a bit baffled about the setting. The yacht was large, but relatively modest-looking – although certainly high-end. Knowing him, she would have bet on something much more sumptuous, but once again he had been able to surprise her without even realizing it.

“Wow… This is… Totally not what I expected.”

Still holding her hand like a real gentleman, Wayne laughed lowly.

“I know. But it’s still cool.”

Lisa squinted, noticing the large white sails gently moving in the morning breeze. The boat was still and peaceful, gently lullabied by the waves. Its shiny wooden surfaces flawlessly mixed with intense blue and white details.

“What is this?”

“It’s a gulet yacht. It’s called Matina. Which means morning.”

She had no idea what the heck a gulet yacht was, but she certainly could tell this boat had a traditional styling that almost made it look a little like a pirate boat. Only smaller, and of course more luxurious. She had imagined Michael would opt for something sleek-looking and modern, futuristic almost, but this was far from it. Elegant and with generous spaces, no doubt, but still… quite old-fashioned.

“Doesn’t it remind you of his ranch a bit, Lisa?”

Wayne had finally turned to look at her, and his eyes were mischievous. A bulb lit up in her mind. Yes. Yes, it did. This boat looked as if it came straight out of a dream. Well, one of Michael’s dreams. The white sails, the wood hull and superstructure, the warm colors, the earthy textures. And just like that, it all started to make much more sense.

“Yeah… A bit.”

A lot, actually.

“Where is he?”

“Oh… Probably somewhere on the bridge. Or in one of the cabins. Let me go look for him for you.” He let go of her hand. “Are you all good here?”

“Yeah… I’m good. Thank you, Wayne.”

It was weird. She had been on Nic’s yacht plenty of times, but Michael’s boat was an entirely different animal. The mood, the feeling. There was something magical – and melancholic – in all this. It wasn’t just like being at sea. It felt more like being in another dimension.

She rested her elbows on the rails and just looked at the sea for what felt like forever. The water was clean so far from the coast, crystal-blue. The air was fresh. She could make out schools of fish just moving around the boat in complete calmness. It was all so peaceful.

All so unexplored.

“Hey… Lisa Marie…”

Michael’s voice reached her from behind and she buckled up inwardly. Closing her eyes for a second, she savored the way his deep, raspy voice – that beautiful speaking voice he didn’t often gift the world with – pronounced her name. She could still remember him calling her that after making love to her for the first time, eons earlier. How it had made her feel to perceive him gently calling out for her as she was trapped between wake and sleep. How easily his voice had pulled her out from her rest, because being awake and next to him was dreamier than any dream. It had been like that for such a long time.

So many things had changed since then, and it was almost upsetting for Lisa to realize that some details were still the same. Maybe they would always remain that way.

He doesn’t need to know. He doesn’t need to know how he can still make you feel.

No, he did not. For once, her inner voice was one-hundred percent right.

She turned, her body composed and relaxed, and raked her fingers through her long hair when a gush of breeze hit her suddenly.

“Hi, Michael.”

They assessed each other’s presence for a moment. And she realized that at least some things could indeed change a lot in just twelve months. Michael looked weary – and older. Not in a bad way, but still noticeable. He had gained weight and hadn’t even bothered shaving that day. His deep, dark eyes told her that he hadn’t slept well in quite some time. She also recognized that look on his face – telling her that he had been retiring into himself more and more. Michael was melancholic despite his calm, collected facade. This was the awe and the tragedy of knowing someone by heart. He couldn’t hide anything from her, it didn’t matter how good he was while doing the same with the rest of the world.

She could only hope it wasn’t the same for him, and that she could still play this game in a way that didn’t end up eviscerating them both. They had already experienced that one too many times.

“How are you?” He tilted his head, scanning her face. She wondered what was going through his mind, but his look was unintelligible. Right. Once again, she was forced to remember that they had ended up losing the ability to read each other like an open book a long time ago.

“I’m good. I…” She took a deep breath. She wanted to tell him that seeing him made her feel relieved. She couldn’t. “…love your new hairstyle, by the way.”

She almost cringed inwardly at the sudden U-turn. But still, it was true – she did love it. She loved how it made his handsome features stand out. Michael’s hair was short, natural. Moved by the wind. He didn’t even have his fedora on – nor his sunglasses. It was as if she had surprised him as he took a nap or simply relaxed in his cabin.

“Thanks. And you look…” He shook his head and his voice drifted off. Then he smiled, ever so slightly, and cleared his throat. “Your hair is longer. Lighter. Curlier.”

My God. This was so awkward. And endearing.

Almost like in an extra-corporeal experience, she saw him raise his arm a little – as if he was about to reach out and touch her hair. Her face. As if he wanted to push a rebellious strand of hair off her forehead. Then his arm went back to its place – at his side. How could she miss something that hadn’t even happened?

“Yeah… I…” She shrugged, not really knowing what to say. “It’s just a phase, I guess.”

“Well… phase or not, you look beautiful. As usual. That’s what I meant to say earlier.”

“Thank you.” She knew she had blushed and she hated herself for it. “And you look like a sailor.”

Michael laughed. It was a genuine, surprised laugh that forced her to smile. Of course, he hadn’t been expecting her silly remark.

“Nah… I think you saw this blazer before.” He smoothed down the fabric of his jacket in an automatic gesture.

Maybe she had seen that mid-season peacoat before, but not in this setting. And certainly not with Michael on a boat. His eyes squinting in the light sun of that mildly warm June day, his blazer open over a white button-down shirt, no t-shirt underneath and his black pants surely made him look like a captain. Or an admiral. A tired, worn-out by the tragedies of life one, at that. All he needed to perfect his look was a pipe.

Relief washed over her once again. At least she knew he was OK. Sort of. At least she was there with him now. At least she could try to break his fall if he ever crumbled at this very moment, despite still looking somehow in control.

Maybe following her instinct and asking him to meet her hadn’t been a bad idea after all. Maybe she was exactly where she truly wanted to be.

“Well, I hadn’t seen you on a boat with it.”

“This is a gulet yacht, Lisa.”

“Yeah, Wayne told me. I have to say I’m surprised. I didn’t know you were into this kind of stuff.”

Michael grimaced.

“I didn’t know either. But things change…”

“They sure do…”

His eyes narrowed and he stared at her for a moment. Then another gush of wind – a much colder one this time – hit them both again.

“Come on…” He took her by the elbow, gently. “Let’s go to the bridge and relax. Let’s have something to drink… and discuss the reason why you’re here.”

Michael wasn’t prepared to have his breath taken away the moment he laid his eyes on Lisa again, but it had happened. Maybe he shouldn’t even have been surprised, because his inner reaction was not news. It had been that way since he had first seen her again as an adult – and man, had water gone under the bridge since then. He and Lisa had become friends, lovers, then husband and wife. Then they had messed up, divorced, gotten in touch again. Once again they had been friends, lovers, exes. Wash, rinse and repeat – so many times.

After an entire year without her, after what definitely felt like the final separation, he had almost believed he was finally free from her spell. He had touched other women since then – made love to them. Well, he had slept with them with no particular emotional attachment, but still, he had reacquainted himself with bodies that weren’t Lisa’s.

It hadn’t worked that well, seemed like, because the moment he had seen her standing on his boat, waiting for him while so effortlessly looking like the most gorgeous creature he had ever laid eyes on, he had discovered the old magic was still there, unspoiled. Magic – or curse. He so would have wanted to be a dog, and at times he thought he had finally gotten there, but whenever she reappeared, his heart would inevitably call out to her. It was just what it was and he had to accept it at some point.

They walked together to the most repaired part of the bridge and sat down at the outdoor table. He gestured toward one of the maids on board and the woman immediately stepped over.

“Yes, sir?”

“Hey, Helena. Can you please bring…” He looked over at Lisa.

“Coffee. Black. With a lot of sugar.”

He let out a barely perceivable smile.

“Of course. And… orange juice for me. Thank you, Helena. You’re very kind.”

“You’re welcome, sir.”

The maid excused herself and disappeared below deck, leaving Lisa and Michael on their own. They remained trapped in that weird silence for a few more seconds, then she decided to break the ice.

“Is nobody else here, apart from you, me, Wayne and the lady?”

“Oh, no. There’s a whole crew of about a dozen people, including mine. This place is pretty spacious. They just aren’t in sight. So we can have all the privacy we need.”

“Your kids?”

“At my mom’s. She wanted them for the weekend.” He looked up at her, then at the sea, then back at her again. “Just you and I, Lise, when it comes to personal matters.”

“By the way… I still haven’t congratulated you for becoming a dad again.”

The pang of pain she felt was hard to explain. And that was why she hadn’t called him back in February – only sent him a card – when she had been informed by common acquaintances about the birth of his third baby.

“It’s OK. I got your card, anyway. If anything, I should have thanked you for… you know… thinking about me in that regard. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“It’s fine. I understand. I really do.”

“How are Danielle and Benjamin?”

She swallowed hard, her eyes burning. Ri and Ben didn’t even know where she was – and they certainly did not know who she was with. She couldn’t bear the sight of them not really understanding why she and Michael didn’t speak any longer. Why he no longer showed up at their house. Even after divorcing Lisa, he had been nothing but an amazing role model for her children. And now he was gone.

“They’re very well, thank you for asking…”

Was that a hint of pain she saw in his eyes? It was so fleeting, it immediately disappeared.

“Good. That’s good…”

Lisa sighed. All of a sudden, she needed a time-out. And her coffee. She had consumed quite a lot of alcohol the previous night and was still a bit hungover. Certainly not the best condition to lecture Michael about his personal and business decisions, but a woman had to do what she had to do to get through such complicated events.

Closing her eyes against the unexpected burst of dizziness, she shivered, realizing that she had underestimated the temperature drop at sea and that her light shirt did nothing to contrast the cool wind coming from the ocean. She also detected a headache starting to pulse between her temples. Remembering the wine she had consumed up until a few hours earlier made her feel almost nauseous.

Lisa didn’t hear Michael get up. All she knew was that, all of a sudden, she was surrounded by his scent – by a sudden warmth that felt and smelled like him. That manly, unique, intoxicating scent she could never forget.

She opened her eyes and Michael was standing next to her. Without his blazer. That was over her shoulders.

“What are you doing?”

“Don’t be pissy. You are obviously cold.” He smirked. “This ain’t the beach, lady. The sea isn’t that forgiving so far from the coast.”

Many things weren’t forgiving. She wanted to reply with a snarky remark and knew it would have come out quite easily in different circumstances. But not today. So she just swallowed and nodded.

“Thanks…”

“Just so you know, there are clothes you can wear in your cabin. Stuff you left at the ranch and at my Hideout… and that I brought here… just in case…”

She watched him as he, once again, sat back at the table.

“Just in case? My cabin? What do you mean?”

Michael just stared at her for a moment. Right on cue, Helen – the maid – reappeared with their drinks. Thank God! Lisa waited for the woman to leave and cradled the warm cup of coffee in her hands, finally starting to relax.

“How many drinks did you have last night?”

“What are you talking about? I didn’t drink at all.”

He laughed. Then he took a sip of his orange juice, his eyes never leaving her. He put the glass down.

“Lisa, Lisa… You’ve always been such a bad, bad liar. You also forget how well I know you.”

Frowning, Lisa shook her head. This was not going the way she had anticipated at all. Michael was clearly in control, yet she was the one who was supposed to tell him that some of the choices he had made recently weren’t just shitty, but flat-out dangerous. She was supposed to be the one carrying the conversation, not him. Taking a moment to just re-balance herself, she drank her coffee. It was strong, hot and sweet and she loved the feeling it almost immediately gave her. As if she was finally a little more herself. She had no idea if what was making her so uneasy was Michael’s presence, her hangover, or the yacht swaying over the water. Maybe none of it. Maybe all of it. What she knew was that she had to get a fucking grip on this. And herself.

“Well, we aren’t here to discuss my nights out – or what I do when I am not taking care of the kids…”

“Right. Where are they, by the way?”

“With their dad.”

“Not Nic?”

She shot him a deadpanned look.

“Why should they be with Nic? They have a father.”

“Well, you would leave them with me all the time, so…”

“Michael!”

He laughed.

“What?”

“Stop it. You know what I’m talking about. So cut it out. I mean it.”

He cleared his throat and took another sip of his orange juice.

“OK, then. I guess we’re done with the pleasantries. Tell me why you wanted to see me.” He paused and cocked his head, his eyes suddenly serious again. “After telling me you no longer care about me, of course. That you are… what’s the word that you used? Oh, right. Indifferent.”

Lisa drank some more, quietly. Taking her time.

“I would like to…” She shook her head. “Look, I know what I said. That doesn’t mean I want something nasty to happen to you. I’m just benign, Michael. Neutral. But I’m not here to talk about that. The point is that I’ve heard rumors about some of the people you’re currently hanging out with… and they aren’t pretty, Michael.”

“What? The rumors or the people?”

“Both.”

She finished her coffee, finally feeling more lucid again, and looked up at him.

“I think you should re-evaluate some of your acquaintances. No matter what I said, I don’t want you to find yourself in the same situation you were… you know, before. Years ago. In fact, I can’t have that. It eats me alive to even imagine you going through the same shit once again, and you know me…” She sighed. “You know I tell the truth. If I’m here, there’s a reason. This is not trivial – and it’s certainly no laughing matter.”

Michael looked at her seriously, as if assessing her words.

“Well, then… I guess you gotta take all the time you need to tell me what I’m doing wrong from your neutral, benign point of view. I wanna know all about your… assumptions.”

“They aren’t assumptions, Michael. They’re facts.”

“Whatever you say. But if it really is such a complex matter, then I wanna know all about it – in painful detail. So I’m asking you this…” He rested his hands on the table for a moment. “…I won’t leave this boat until tomorrow night. That’s when I’ll go back home – to the kids. If you want, you can put all your cards on the table and then take that motorboat back to the coast. Or you can stay here, with me… Until tomorrow night. And we can talk this through properly.”

Lisa narrowed her eyes. So that was what he meant earlier, with that “just in case.” That was why he had spoken about her clothes being in one of the cabins. Anger almost blinded her for a moment, then subsided. He wasn’t forcing her to stay. He was giving her an out. If she wanted to go, she was free to go. If she just wanted to spit out the facts and let him chew on them, she could do that and just leave. Or she could stay with him for what? A little more than twenty-four hours? And explain to him why she was, somehow, back, after promising she wouldn’t – and why she was concerned about him despite telling him she felt nothing but indifference.

The choice was hers and Lisa realized that this was all he meant. He didn’t seem to have an angle. He was genuinely confused about many things, and how could she blame him?

“I have to think about it.”

“Why? You’re worried your boyfriend’s gonna get jealous if you stay?”

“It’s his problem if he does. I make my own decisions.”

Just like when she had cheated on him. More than once. With Michael, of course.

“OK… If you say so.”

“So you said I have a cabin ready?”

“If you want, yes.”

“Then I’ll take some time to just unwind and… you know… think about what you said.” She stood up and removed his jacket, placing it on the table. “Thanks for this. I guess it’s time for me to finally get my clothes back.”

Lisa entered the cabin quietly and closed the door behind her back, leaning against it as she took a deep breath. The space was large, airy and luminous, well furnished and looked utterly comfortable. The bed was huge and freshly made. The round table in the living area was covered with fresh, colorful fruits. She bet the minibar was packed too. All in all, Michael had made sure to make her stay as pleasant as possible. If only he understood that it had always been his presence, first and foremost, to make her life more beautiful. More worthy of truly living.

She walked over to the closet and opened it, finding her clothes neatly placed on the hangers. There were way more items than she thought she had left at his properties, and she sighed, knowing well that each and every one of them carried a memory. A morsel of truth coming straight from the many years she had spent with Michael. Like the blue cocktail dress he had peeled off her on their terrace in New York, or the t-shirt she wore when he paid her a hot-as-fuck surprise visit during one of their off periods. Or again, the sweater pants she had been wearing while working out, one day, before he came into their home gym and distracted her. Being silly, making her laugh, making her twirl around like some ballerina. Kissing her until she was breathless.

Neutral territory, my ass. This place, albeit new and unexplored, was still full of years of memories she couldn’t shake off. And apparently, neither could he. Unless he had forgotten all about those events that were imprinted in her mind forever.

Lisa stepped back and sat on the bed. She really didn’t know if she would stay or leave. Or if she should, for that matter. Everything felt like a minefield – plus, Nic was waiting. Technically speaking, she was a very, very taken woman. What was she doing on her ex’s yacht, of all places? Why wasn’t she with her fiancé?

This was somehow a gamble. If she stayed, she and Michael truly would have the time to talk things through and maybe even clear the air a bit after their final breakup, which had been somber, sorrowful and full of unspoken words. Because pretending to detest him was exhausting for Lisa. And although the people in Clearwater – and the people around her on a daily basis – told her that that mindset was the best course of action, she struggled to pretend all was fine and dandy 24/7. There were times, especially at night when she was finally alone, when her walls would drop all of a sudden and she would find herself in excruciating emotional pain. In a way, these twenty-four hours with Michael had the potential to change that. To be good for both of them. She only had to make her moves wisely.

And in order to do so, she had to feel better first. The remnants of her hangover and that damned headache were still there, unfazed despite the coffee. The previous night she had been anxious, frantic, barely able to sleep. She needed some rest.

Lying down on the bed, Lisa closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, it was around six in the evening. Glancing out of the porthole, she noticed the sky had changed color and was now a rainbow of grays, purples, blues, pinks and deep oranges. Feeling finally more relaxed and at ease, she acted almost out of instinct: she started undressing and then went straight to the closet, picking up one of the many bathing suits that were still there waiting for her, putting it on quietly. Maybe the temperature wasn’t ideal, but nothing could ever stop Lisa from getting in the water whenever she was at sea.

She still hadn’t made up her mind about staying or leaving, and she knew Michael would be able to bring her back to the coast whenever she wanted anyway, so there was really no need to be in a hurry. She could swim for a bit and then decide. Hopefully, the cold water would help her brain rattle back into place and give her that little push she needed to finally stop stalling. She knew how she operated: her mind told her to lay it all down for Michael and let him deal with his shit by himself, while her heart screamed out to stay close to him for as long as possible.

As Lisa walked out and onto the bridge, she winced. All those purification rundowns and cleansing sessions at the church hadn’t been able to eradicate what, deep down, she knew had always been true. Reactive mind, traumatic memories, word cleaning, auditing… she could name all those tactics one by one. But there were not enough e-meters in the world that could force her heart and soul to truly get rid of Michael forever.

Maybe she should just put every bullshit aside and be completely honest with him like she had always been in the past. Like he knew her to be. He had loved her honesty so much, even when her morsels of truth were delivered in a tone that he would not have tolerated from anyone else in the world. In fact, her straightforwardness had been one of the reasons he had fallen in love with her to begin with, or so he had said at least. Until it became too hurtful for him.

And now… and now, well, it sucked to be flat-out lying to him – and herself – when it came to her feelings, but all things considered it was best he knew she could still be one-hundred percent sincere when it came to advising him about how to stay safe. Her feelings for him were nothing but an inconvenience. Or so she felt. That was also one of the reasons why she had walked away eventually.

As she stood on the deck and let the feeble sun touch her skin, gushes of salty wind forced her to close her eyes and inhale deeply. She got lost in herself for a moment, then opened her eyes again. Apart from the waves gently crashing against the boat, all was utterly quiet and still.

At first she didn’t even spot Michael and thought she was alone. But then she saw him – and her heart melted. He lied on a deck chair in the covered area of the bridge, on the teak deck, not far away from where they had sat at the table earlier that day, and was sound asleep.

Without saying a word and paying attention not to wake him up, she walked over and stood beside him quietly for a minute, just watching him. Despite him wearing his sunglasses, Lisa could always, always tell when he was asleep – and this was just the case. The breeze coming from the ocean moved his hair gently and his face looked relaxed, serene. He must have fallen asleep while reading, as the book was still open in his hand, only resting over his chest.

She removed the little book from his hand without waking him up and looked at the cover. ‘Meditations’, by Marcus Aurelius. A staple of classic philosophy. Flipping quietly through the pages, she found many underlined passages.

‘The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing, because an artful life requires being prepared to meet and withstand sudden and unexpected attacks.’

‘Whenever someone has done wrong by you, immediately consider what notion of good or evil they had in doing it. For when you see that, you’ll feel compassion, instead of astonishment or rage.’

‘The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.’

And more…

‘Choose not to be harmed, and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed, and you haven’t been.’

‘Don’t be ashamed of needing help. You have a duty to fulfill just like a soldier on the wall of battle. So what if you are injured and can’t climb up without another soldier’s help?’

‘Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.’

The last passage Michael had underlined with his pencil almost broke her heart.

‘Soon, you will have forgotten everything. Soon, everybody will have forgotten you.’

Lisa closed the book and placed it on the coffee table near the deck chair. It made all the sense in the world that Michael, a king in his own right, felt so attuned to the philosophical thoughts of an emperor from two thousand years ago. Their way of thinking was, after all, similar. Stoic and dignified. Good-natured and able to control themselves in a world that could in no way be controlled. Forgiving, fair, and able to face adversity with strength.

Shaking her head, she reached out and touched Michael’s hair lovingly, fighting against the instinct of holding him, waking him up with a kiss, telling him that she would be his soldier. His priestess again. That everything would be alright eventually. For both of them.

But that was not her place anymore. Eventually, she had found out at her own expense that nothing could be done about the loneliness that was so intrinsic to being a king. Those as unique and extraordinary as Michael were destined to walk alone. She knew that much ‘cause her path as well was, most of the time, deserted – despite Lisa considering herself a very ordinary woman caught in a set of extraordinary circumstances. The only time in her life she truly hadn’t felt alone had been with him. With Michael. And then that, too, had crashed and burned. She could not do anything about it but give him a heads-up. And hopefully, that would be enough for him to watch his back more carefully.

Lisa stepped away from him and reached the flybridge, deeply breathing in and out as she took in the panoramic view. Feeling goosebumps all over her skin. Then she started climbing down the ladder that separated her from the blue waters of the sea and dove into the water.

Michael heard the splash immediately. It was different from the noise the waves made whenever they crashed against the hull, and his hyper-sensitive hearing registered it right away. Squinting his eyes, he sat up on the deck chair, a bit annoyed someone or something had interrupted his rest. He had been dreaming, and it was sweet, peaceful. He couldn’t remember any details, but knew he wasn’t alone in that state of completeness. He had felt as if Lisa was there with him somehow, her heart calling out to him, her hand touching his hair.

Of course, it was not possible. Those times were long gone. Her being on a boat with him didn’t make any difference. Besides, where was she? Knowing her, she was probably taking a nap in her cabin and would soon reemerge, asking him to bring her back to the coast.

Still lost in thought and sighing, he scratched his head, then reached out and grabbed the can of ice tea from the coffee table, taking a couple of long sips. On a side note, what in the world had awakened him? He couldn’t tell yet. But hey. Maybe he would be lucky for once. Maybe it was a pod of dolphins circling the Matina.

He stood up, inwardly cursing his back – which had never been the same since his accident in Munich, three years later – and walked over to the railings. He glanced down and saw her.

Even more beautiful than a pod of dolphins.

Lisa was swimming near the boat, in waters so blue and so deep that made her body stand out even more. She was floating through the waves without a care in the world, under a menacing sky, and didn’t seem to mind one bit.

She was fearless. She always had been. And he had loved her so much for that.

Holding onto the rails, Michael watched her for the longest time, genuinely wondering if he would ever be able to stop being so in love with her, as difficult as she could be at times. Right now, it seemed impossible. Or at the very least, unlikely.

Minutes went by and he observed her as she swam underwater, reemerged, swam some more, then allowed the waves to lull her as she floated, her body perfectly still – her face gorgeous and relaxed. She noticed him when he almost thought he would be able to leave without her spotting him.

“Hey…! What are you doing up there, watching me?”

What, indeed?

“Hey yourself. Nothing. I just got here. You been there the whole time?”

Lisa smiled, and he couldn’t help but smile back. He knew his little quip had taken her by surprise and that was the only reason her defenses had lowered, but still… she had always loved when he was silly on purpose.

“Yes, of course. Since drinking my coffee… Lots of extra energy to get rid of…”

“I can see that…” He leaned his elbows on the railing. All of a sudden, he didn’t really want to leave anymore.

She swam closer to the boat – and the ladder – and raked her wet hair back with her fingers.

“What about you? Had a nice nap, grandpa?”

Michael smirked and tilted his head. This was unexpected. Usually, he was the one catching her napping here and there. It had never happened before that she would be able to not wake him up. It was weird, as he had been wired up until her arrival – and he hadn’t slept well in days. Weeks, maybe. But then, with Lisa on board, taking that little afternoon nap had become the easiest thing ever.

“Can’t complain… You splashing ‘round like crazy is what woke me up eventually.”

“Sorry about that…”

“Don’t be sorry. Are you freezing yet?”

Lisa laughed that deep, throaty laugh he adored.

“Kind of.”

“Come up on board, then.”

“Not yet… I wanna enjoy the water a little longer still… It’s beautiful down here.”

“Well, don’t make me wait too long. And be careful. I don’t wanna have to jump in the water myself to save your ass…”

“My ass is fine, Mike…”

It sure was…

Despite her protests, Lisa swam closer to the ladder still. A drop of rain hit Michael’s hand and he looked up, squinting his eyes at the sky.

“Hey..! I think it’s starting to rain…”

“Yeah, I can see that…”

“Come back on board, Lise…”

“Why? I’m already wet…”

Damn, this woman could be such a tease! Shaking his head, he went back to his deck chair and retrieved the large towel he had been napping on. Then he walked back to the railing. This time, on the top deck and near the ladder. Glancing down, he noticed that Lisa was holding onto the ladder with one hand – but her body was still fully immersed in the water.

“Here we go. Come on up!”

Her mischievous eyes looked up at him.

“What if I don’t? You gonna come down here and get me yourself?”

He rolled his eyes and showed her the towel. The rain started to intensify – and so did the wind. The sky was also turning darker. It had all been fun and games up until now, but suddenly he didn’t want her to be down there all alone. The weather was unpredictable so far from the coast.

“Crazy woman… Come on. Please?”

She bit her lip, and he could tell she wasn’t teasing him at all. She genuinely didn’t give a flying fuck about the weather. She loved being in the water and he had always hoped, one day, he could swim with her. But it had never happened.

“Well… since you’re asking so nicely…”

This time, she pulled herself out of the water and began climbing up the ladder. Michael couldn’t help but stare. The way her hips swayed, her perfect cleavage, her tanned skin, those to-die-for legs, her long wet hair. And her face, more than anything else. Did she ever know how beautiful she was to him? She had always been to him?

Lisa reached the final step and they found themselves face to face, under the rain. The evening rapidly approaching, the sky turning stormier by the second. He wrapped her into the towel and she stepped over, finally reaching him on the deck. Instinctively, he moved closer and they stared at each other for a moment that seemed to last forever.

She was so close, he could almost smell the sweet scent of her skin. He found her eyes.

“So… Are you staying?”

“Where?”

“Here, with me. Until tomorrow night. When we’ll go back to L.A.”

Lisa tilted her head, still staring at him.

“I think so, yeah. We still have plenty to discuss and your sleepy ass didn’t make things easier so far…”

He couldn’t help but smirk. Despite apparently being fully in control, Michael felt giddy. His heart hammered furiously in his chest and he could not believe he’d have this woman all for himself for an entire day.

His eyes dropped onto her mouth.

“Your lips are a tad bit blue, Lise…”

“That’s because I’m cold…”

Yeah. She was shivering. He closed his arms around her and pulled her against his body. Her face remained immobile – still looking up at him.

This moment. This moment right here was perfect, despite everything else. Despite all that hadn’t worked out in the end.

Without even thinking, Michael kissed her.

Lisa knew this man intimately. She could recognize the change in his demeanor and mood, the way his body language spoke to her, and even his intentions. She knew that kiss would come and was also aware she could have avoided it and prevented it. She could have just stepped back and out of his embrace. But the truth was that she didn’t want to.

The moment Michael had closed his arms around her, Lisa had felt something that had been foreign to her for a long time. A sense of absolute safety and complete peace. Which was somehow ludicrous, given how explosive their relationship had been at times. Ludicrous, yet true.

And so when he did kiss her, she kissed him right back. She also realized that he was stunned by her reaction – his body tensing up for a moment when her hands came up, framing his face as she sighed in the kiss. And then, a second later, he just went with it. She let her fingers discover the soft texture of his hair again, his stubbly jawline, his broad shoulders.

How she had missed him.

Breaking the kiss was more difficult than she let on.

“Lise…”

She stared at him, from one eye to the other, and she could tell he was trying very hard to read her intentions. Maybe she had gotten better at hiding her own feelings from him, after all this time. Her lips pursed for a moment and Michael winced, as if waiting for a slap that – of course – never came. Lisa kissed him again, even more passionately this time, her body adhering to his, her wet skin drenching his white shirt. And she felt him – against her belly.

It was his turn to pull back. He glanced down at their connected bodies. Then he smiled sheepishly.

“I’m sorry. I’m not doing it on purpose… you know that…”

Yes, she was aware he was not at all in charge of the reaction of his lower body. Just like she wasn’t in charge of the sudden arousal pervading her, akin to ants running underneath her skin. It had always been that way. She was the gasoline to his fire. The moon to his sun. That was why she had never been able to find a lover able to make her feel whole, complete, fulfilled, like Michael.

She had to take cover somehow, because all of sudden they had stepped into familiar and very, very dangerous territory.

“Michael?”

“Yes?”

“…Do you wanna fuck?”

He blinked, immediately pulled out of that state of semi-trance that always accompanied moments like this.

“…What? …Do I wanna fuck?”

He sounded incredulous. And maybe a bit hurt and the utter simplification of what was happening. Them kissing again after a year apart, under a summer rain, under a dark sky. In this setting so intrinsically romantic, so perfect and beautiful, they both were pretending to ignore.

“Yeah. ‘Cause it sure feels like you do. And if you wanna fuck, then fine… let’s do that. Let’s fuck. But please don’t rope me into something… something…”

“Something, what?”

She shrugged. Her eyes downcast for a moment, she almost looked insecure, smaller. As young as she was when he had met her again in 1988.

“…I don’t know. Something. Stuff that has no meaning to you…”

What the heck did she even mean? Hadn’t she said she was indifferent to him anyway? If that was ever the truth… All of a sudden, he started wondering. But first, he had to extricate himself from this situation that risked turning from delightful to nasty in no time flat.

He shook his head.

“I don’t wanna do any of that…”

“Then what is it that you want, Mike? Just be honest…”

OK. This was it. He had to be super careful at this very moment, because the entire outcome of this little stay on his boat pretty much depended on his answer. He tried to think quickly, lucidly.

Did he want to fuck her? Well, the truth was that there was nothing more he wanted but to be balls-deep into this pesky little woman. But he also knew that it would never be about fucking her for him. It would always be about making love to her. And they needed to chill! So maybe sex wasn’t a bad idea. Maybe it could help them relax. It had happened so many times before, after all.

And yet, deep down, he also knew that, despite the desire Lisa so obviously felt for him, she wanted nothing more than to be heard. To be seen. A luxury maybe he hadn’t granted her for a very long time.

“I want… I want us to have dinner. In my cabin. In thirty minutes. So we can talk… So you can finally talk to me… and I can listen. I promise I will.”

Michael paced back and forth in his large cabin, his hands in his pockets. Would she come? She was already five minutes late, and that wasn’t like her at all. Knowing Lisa, she could even have jumped in the water and attempted to swim back to the shore. Or she could have taken his Tender and sped off like a Bond villain.

No, don’t be silly. She wants to stay. She wants to talk to you. Besides… You felt how her body melted against you. How she clung to you. You recognized the quality of her kisses.

Yes, maybe it was just like that. Or maybe his gut feeling was wrong and so was his inner voice. After all, at some point in time he had genuinely believed she would never leave him. And then she had walked away.

But this was different. Or was it? Maybe not. Maybe it was just their umpteenth round of madness. Maybe what would happen next was, all in all, pretty simple to figure out: she would show up, try to talk sense into him, and he would not listen despite his best intentions. Then she would get mad, stomp her feet, nag at him and they would end up fighting. Then, possibly, fucking. And then she would leave again, only to be back for more at some point in the future. Maybe.

This was some nasty Dante’s inferno scenario, right there. A cycle that somehow they had never been able to break.

And that was why Michael – and she, too – had to truly commit and do his best to make this night, this moment, different from everything that had been in the past. Because the very definition of lunacy was to repeat the same actions over and over again and expect a different outcome.

He stilled in the middle of the room and glanced at the table, where dinner was ready. He knew that, if she ghosted him now, he wouldn’t be able to even touch that food. But maybe that wine would be a perfect companion for the night. He definitely had consumed more alcohol in the past year or so than in the rest of his life.

Right on cue, someone knocked on the door and he almost jumped out of his skin. Clearing his throat, he walked over to the hall and turned the doorknob, finding himself face-to-face with Lisa.

“Hey…”

“Hey…”

“Wayne said I could… You know, knock all by myself. Like a big girl and shit.”

Michael smiled, relaxing.

“Of course.” He moved away from the door. “Come on in…”

“And I’m sorry for being late… I know you hate it. And I don’t like it either. But I didn’t know how to dress…” She turned and faced him. “So I hope this is alright for the night…”

Damn. Was it ever. Lisa wore the blue cocktail dress he had peeled off her on their terrace in New York, many years earlier. He remembered that night very well. And she still looked gorgeous in it.

“It is… If anything, I hope I measure up.”

He had donned a simple white shirt and black jacket, pants and shoes. Nothing special. Yet it felt very special to have her scan him up and down, as nobody had ever looked at him the way Lisa did.

“You don’t look too bad yourself… So I guess we’re fine when it comes to the dress code.”

“I guess so, yeah.” He placed his hand on the small of her back. “This way. Dinner’s ready, by the way…”

“Good. Swimming makes me hungry.”

“Oh, I remember. And I know how evil you turn when you don’t eat, so…” He pulled out the chair for her. “…Just let me know if you need or want something else.”

Lisa laughed and sat at the table.

“I’ll be fine.”

She observed him walk around the table and sit across from her. He wasn’t really hungry, but was still more than ready to share this meal with her – as long as it was accompanied by this peaceful, relaxing atmosphere. Maybe kissing her hadn’t been a bad idea at all, despite being a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing.

Lisa and Michael took it nice and slow, enjoying their dinner without hurry and slowly reacquainting themselves with the other’s presence. They started by talking about their kids. What they had been doing, what they were up to. Then they spoke about music, but just a little bit.

“I listened to your latest album, by the way…” She said at some point, while she played with a salad leaf in her plate.

Michael blushed lightly.

“Oh, did you, now…”

“Yep…” Her eyes were fixed on the plate that seemed very interesting all of a sudden.

“Did you like it?”

She paused to drink some wine.

“Yes. I found it very interesting. No, well… Revealing. Revealing is the right word.”

Right. He had always been more capable of expressing his emotions through his songs and his letters. Verbally, face to face, not so much. Maybe that was one of the reasons why it had always been so difficult, for him, to run after her whenever she had one of her temper tantrums and left. He had let her go pretty much every single time. And right now, at this very moment, he regretted he did.

“So, anyway…”

He really didn’t want to talk about the state of mind – or the different states of mind – he had been in while recording those songs. He knew Lisa was more than able to recognize if something had been sung with her in mind. He didn’t need to explain anything to the woman who had once been his wife. The person who knew him better than anyone else.

“…Tell me about the people I surround myself with. What is it that I don’t know and I should know?”

Lisa laughed a bit nervously, then put her fork back onto the plate, leaning back into her chair.

“Wow, straight to the point, huh? I like it.”

“Come on. I’m curious. Lay it all on me, woman.”

And so she did.

For the next couple of hours, Lisa talked. She did so very calmly, lucidly, and although at times he could tell that she was struggling to keep her composure, to remain cool and collected, he appreciated with how much clarity she spoke her mind. She mentioned several people he had been hanging out with for the past year and some others he vaguely knew, but could definitely tell wanted to become part of his close circle. She explained, very precisely, what she had heard about them and what she knew for a fact – and in how many ways they could damage him or hurt him. She suggested all the ways they could take advantage of him and was adamant in explaining why she thought they were doing just that. The rabbi. The magician. The director. The managers. And more than anyone else, the British journalist.

“Why are you telling me this stuff? How do you even know it’s true?”

Lisa just stared at him for a moment, and he held her gaze. The truth was that he had no reason to doubt the veracity of what she was saying to him. The Entertainment industry was more of a small circle than people believed. What had probably happened was that rumors, comments, voices had reached her even when she was not actively seeking them out. It was very, very possible that she had heard people speak about him, about how easy it was to approach him. About how trusting and naive he was. About how easy it would be to get something out of their connection to him. As if he was their personal ATM. He definitely knew that was what many folks thought of him.

“I just know, OK? If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a fucking duck… right?”

His eyes narrowed and he tilted his head. On the one side, he knew he could trust her. On the other side, he still wondered why she had decided to be so upfront. Maybe things truly were as bad as she painted them, or would soon become just that, and he hadn’t noticed it. It was possible, given how reckless, sloppy and careless he had been as of late.

And if at some point he had thought that she would nag at him for the women he had slept with, he had been wrong. Lisa never mentioned them, not once. They were not what she focused on. They didn’t matter. If that was because they were as unimportant to her as they were to him or simply because all she felt for him indeed was indifference, he was not sure. Regardless, the more she talked, the more he listened, and the more he listened, the more clear-headed he became. Maybe for the first time since forever, he realized that perhaps he should have relied on her judgment way more than he had.

After all, what reason did Lisa have to warn him, if not genuine concern? She never had tried to control him, unlike many others. She never played games. She could be blunt and even intolerable at times, but her warnings always came from a place of love. That much, he had come to understand – albeit a little too late.

“…So you don’t think I should give him access to me…”

“To that British journalist? Absolutely not. I don’t think you should meet him at all, Mike. He’s a fucking snake.”

“Well, Princess Diana thought differently.”

“Princess Diana was fucked over by him just like you will. I did my research, you know? I’m not shitting you. That guy…” She leaned over and grabbed his hand on the table. “…Look… He won’t help you, Michael. That’s not his job. He’s a fame-hungry media whore and you should not trust him. Believe me when I tell you he does shady things to get where he wants. And he did them to get to Diana, too.”

Her eyes turned soft. Pleading, almost.

“I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. And my instinct tells me that you should stay the hell away from him.”

He smiled at her.

“Your instinct… and your research.”

Lisa laughed joylessly.

“Yeah… That, too.”

Biting his lip, he played with her hand for a moment and she let him. His fingertips traced her palm, touched her wrist as his eyes stared into space.

“… OK.”

Lisa grabbed his hand again. Stupefied. Genuinely surprised.

“OK? OK, what?”

“I mean, OK, I’ll call off the meeting. I was supposed to see the guy in a few weeks, but…” He sighed. “I trust you more than I trust him, Lise, that’s for sure.”

“Are you for real?”

“Yeah. He can fuck off.”

He saw her take a deep breath, hold it for a moment and then exhale it, as if an immense weight had finally been lifted from her shoulders. All of a sudden, her face relaxed and she smiled at him. With the same happiness that had reached her eyes while she was swimming in the ocean, earlier that day.

She had made it. She still couldn’t believe it, but it looked like she truly had made it. She had spoken her mind and he had listened carefully, allowing her to explain, in detail, what and who he should be careful of. He hadn’t laughed her worries off, hadn’t belittled her or diminished her concerns. Quite the opposite, in fact. Lisa had noticed that, the more she explained, the more engrossed he looked. Attentive, clear-headed. Open.

Wondering why, she thought she knew the answer. She knew Michael, and was convinced that, behind the carefree attitude he had displayed in the past year, he was very much in pain. Both physical and emotional distress. Because the man she had seen on TV and in the magazines in the previous year, the man their common acquaintances had spoken to her about, was not the guy she knew like the back of her hand. He had been drinking way too much, partying way too hard, been a bit promiscuous and he surrounded himself with low-lives he would normally barely consider.

Michael was trying to drown his sorrow in the only way he knew – and he was far from happy. That much she knew for sure.

So maybe her words, her reasoning, had given him a way out from a situation he felt trapped in somehow. They had allowed him to see things from a different perspective and realize that another route was indeed possible. And she was so glad she still had the chance to keep something from him.

Like the handful of times she had personally heard people speak ill of him – behind his back. It had happened at some of the parties she had been invited to. Not often, but she had noticed, of course. She hadn’t said a word back then, but she remembered very vividly how she had felt. How much she had wanted to wring those people’s necks. How much she hated how they treated Michael as their piñata, how they mocked him. How much she despised those folks, knowing well they would cling to his boots if only they could. They were bastards, and despite all his flaws, he was way too clean and pure for the industry he worked in. The industry that wanted the recognition that came with his name but also tended to shun and belittle him because he was too much of a tall poppy for them to tolerate.

Fuck them. Fuck them all.

“Lisa…”

“Yes?”

“You OK? You look mad all of a sudden…”

Did she? She hadn’t realized. Her face distended and she sighed.

“No, not at all. I am relieved. Happy, in fact.”

He smiled tiredly, then his face became serious again.

“Good. And, listen… I just want to say… Thank you for giving me a heads-up.” He swallowed. “I know you never wanted anything from me, so… What you’re doing now means a lot to me… especially because… you really don’t have to.” Another pause. “I know you have your life to handle. Your family. A partner.”

The pang of pain she felt was hard to explain, but was likely linked to the fact that she had not been thinking about Nic at all. As a matter of fact, he was completely inconsequential in the current circumstances. It hurt her to realize that it could be very different for Michael.

“You’re welcome. And by the way… It’s not true that I never wanted anything from you.”

His dark eyes looked up at her, waiting for her to elaborate. And so she did.

“I wanted you. And I wanted you to be safe and happy. Possibly with me… but even without me. That had never changed. Not even when I was mad at you.”

He removed his hand from hers and brought it to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose, then wiping his eyes.

“Mike… What’s going on? Are you crying?”

“No…” He shook his head. “I’m just… I’m just so very tired at times, Lisa.”

When he looked up at her again, she knew he didn’t mean to say that he wanted to go to sleep or that their dinner was over. He was tired, exhausted actually, in a much different way. In a much more ancient and dangerous way.

Quietly, Lisa rose from the chair and walked around the table.

He turned in her direction and she rested her hands on his shoulders in a comforting manner.

“Alright. Listen up, sir. Everything will be OK. We’ll make sure it will be, I promise.”

“We?”

She shrugged, blushing lightly.

“…Yeah! I mean… yeah.”

His hand reached up, covering hers. His eyes were shiny. He studied her for a while, then finally spoke.

“Hey… I got a question for you…”

“Shoot.”

Oh, shit.

“Why are you doing this? Right now, I mean. You still haven’t answered. I know you wish me well and all, but still… Why? Why are you here doing this… if all you feel for me is indifference?”

Target acquired. Fire shot. Bullseye.

She tried to step back at that moment, metaphorically and otherwise. She really did. In a moment that seemed to dilate forever, she considered shrugging off his question and calling it a night. But then something cracked inside of her – in the thick fog of the doctrine and rules she had subjected herself to for the past twelve months. It cracked, then shattered. Hurting her. Making her bleed. Setting her free.

Never removing her hands from Michael’s shoulders, Lisa leaned in, touched his forehead with hers, then kissed him.

The kiss was somehow unexpected. After their long talk, Michael had thought the night was headed in an entirely different direction. Lisa acted like a friend, had warned him like a friend, and up until a certain point had only given friendly vibes.

Then something had changed in her demeanor. There had been a shift he had been barely able to perceive, but still had felt deep down inside, in a place he thought was lost forever. When she had stood up and given him the best reassurance she could ever give him, all he had wanted to know was the reasoning behind her actions. He didn’t expect her to kiss him, but reacted to that intimate contact right away.

When she held his face in her hands, he did exactly the same to her. Mostly, he felt thrilled and relieved in equal parts. And incredibly at ease. The way she touched him had always had a comforting quality to it, it didn’t matter how tired he felt, how messy, disheveled or not at his best he looked, how unable to keep up appearances he was. If anything, Lisa had always loved him for him. Regardless of what the rest of the world called his eccentricities, regardless of his skin conditions, regardless of how much he felt like a fish out of the water. Deep down, he knew she had always understood him better than anyone else.

So he went with it, simply closing his eyes and reciprocating her kiss. Loving, loving, loving the feeling of her fingers running through his hair, gently caressing his head, his neck. Without even thinking, he pulled her close until she sat in his lap, never letting go of her lips.

She still hadn’t answered his question. Not with words, at least. But right now, those could wait for a bit.

He broke the kiss for a second, staring into her eyes. Making sure she wanted this as much as he did.

And he recognized her gaze. Hooded, sexy, almost high. Yeah. He had seen it countless times before. There was no mistaking what she was experiencing at the moment.

Yet he felt the need to let her know that he cared.

“Lise… You really want this? You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to…”

Her hands were still on his face. She stroked his stubbly cheeks, then bit her lip.

“Yeah, I know…” One more kiss. “I really want this…”

Michael held her in his arms, found her lips again, and kept kissing her until they were both breathless. When she started swaying in her lap, feeling his arousal and making him feel hers, the friction alone almost drove him insane. Closing his eyes to fully live that tactile experience he had dreamed of so many times, he let the shoulder straps of her gorgeous dress slide against her skin, then gently pulled the fabric down.

He opened her eyes, staring at her for a moment.

“…No bra?”

Lisa just smiled, then began kissing his neck, her fingers busy unbuttoning his shirt. His head thrown back, Michael realized he hadn’t been so turned on in a very long time. It didn’t matter how many intimate encounters with other women he had had since breaking up with her, having her in his arms always made his head spin. There was just no remedy for it. Her fingernails scraping the sensitive skin of his chest, her lips kissing his throat, his Adam’s apple – all was contributing to making him lose his head really, really fast. Way faster than he wanted.

If this was the last night they would spend together, it had to feel endless.

Holding her, he rose from the chair and she immediately closed her arms around his shoulders. Her legs around his waist. She was still kissing his neck, and her breathing was uneven. He knew she was caught in the same maelstrom as he was. A storm neither one of them had ever been able to fend off.

“Let’s go to the bedroom… ‘kay?”

Talking was becoming a chore.

“Yeah…Take me to bed…”

Somehow, despite all his blood having gone south and electric shocks running through his body while she kept teasing him like that, Michael did manage to reach the bed. He lay her down on the mattress gently and loved how her arms were still circling his neck, as if she wanted to never let him go.

God… how had he survived without this? Without her touch? He had thought he was finally over her. But the truth was that, now that she was here, he never wanted her to leave again. He was so fucked…

With immense difficulty he pulled away from her embrace and came to stand by the bed, between her open legs. He took a moment to just observe her.

“You are so gorgeous… You’re still the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen…”

Her hair a mess, her eyes hooded and shiny, she did look magnificent. She gave him one of those sexy smiles he had once lived for.

“So are you, Mike… So are you…” Reaching behind her back, she unzipped her dress and pulled it down, all without changing her position. Magic! “Undress for me, baby. I wanna see you… Feel all of you…”

Their sexual chemistry had always been explosive – and a delicate balance between dominance and submission. A game whose roles they both knew by heart, where the domineering part – Michael – was very much aware he could only push the envelope as far as the submissive part – Lisa – allowed. That was the beauty of their dance. Both were in control, and both could decide to let the other take the lead.

He knew this time would be no different, and that was why he had no issues obeying the order she had issued so gently.

Without a word, he removed his jacket and finished unbuttoning his shirt, then took it off. He did the same with the t-shirt he wore underneath. Lisa watched him, and there was something on her face that made him feel incredibly comforted. Her arousal was mixed with something else. Something much more profound that he could not name. Not yet.

It was right then and there that he realized she wasn’t indifferent to him. And not even neutral, or benign. And if she didn’t feel the need to talk about her feelings yet, he would accept it. They had other ways to communicate. Other languages they knew how to speak without any fear of misunderstanding.

He straightened his shoulders and stood there.

“Better?”

“Your pants…”

He had to smile. Unable to resist, he leaned over again, kissing her more, finally peeling that pesky dress off her. The only piece of clothing that remained was a deep red G-string, enhancing the heavenly V between her legs. Damn…

Impatient, still kissing him deeply, Lisa began to work on his buckle, undoing it, then unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, pulling them down – together with his boxers.

“Are you done bossing me around?”

Looking down at him, then up and back into his eyes, she reached down and grabbed a hold of him.

“I haven’t even started, yet…”

Yeah? OK, then.

Lisa woke up feeling exhausted and replenished all at once. Glancing over at the clock on the nightstand, she noticed that it was around three in the morning. Which meant that she had only dozed off for half an hour or so, as the rest of the night had been spent making love to Michael. Allowing Michael to do to her everything he wanted – no holds barred.

She wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. There was something in the way they made love – there always had been – that made every encounter unique and extraordinarily beautiful. And it wasn’t just because he could always inflict more pleasure than she thought she would be able to tolerate.

The fact was that she had never trusted a lover the way she had Michael. Even when their relationship was at its shittiest, sex had always been a way to connect, reconnect, feel each other in a way that transcended the physical aspect of their lovemaking. Which was mind-blowing, anyway.

That was why even this night had been so special.

They had gone at it like mad, shifting from hard fucking to gentle lovemaking, and never missing a beat in the process. Each always knew what the other wanted and needed, and the blending of their bodies had been, once again, accompanied by the perfect fusion of their souls. Her body had been his playground, his temple. He had worshiped her like nobody else could ever do – with all he had. With his lips, his hands, his cock. And mostly, with his heart.

At one point, as she moved over her, inside of her, she had cradled his hips between her open legs and had held his face in her hands, needing to watch him, touch him, feel him. Needing to let him know that she was there with him. Michael was skillful in the way he took her, and fighting against the onslaught of pleasure had been difficult. Lisa had struggled to keep her eyes open, but somehow she had managed to accomplish the feat. Staring at him, at the way his dark eyes glazed over, at the way his brow furrowed as he did his best to delay the inevitable, wanting to prolong their connection forever.

She loved him. She had always loved him and no lie she told herself would ever be able to convince her otherwise. Not deep down, at least.

She had climaxed once, twice, three times – loving how he alternated gentle strokes to solid thrusting, his body knowing what hers needed like an imprinted memory that just could not vanish – and her gaze had begun to unfocus. Feeling his body tense, she had blinked until she had found his eyes again. She knew he was about to come – she recognized all the signs. She knew he needed the release.

“Oh God… Lise… I… I…”

The words died on his lips and he gritted his teeth, stopping mid-thrust, ready to withdraw from her.

No. That was not what she wanted.

Instinctively, her leg came up and she pushed her heel into the small of his back. She raised her head from the pillow and kissed his sweaty neck, whispering in his ear.

“No… I wanna feel you… All of you… Give it to me…Stay where you are…”

“Oh, shit…”

The last push off the cliff.

She had welcomed his essence like someone stuck in the desert would welcome the rain. Tears had blinded her sight as he moved inside her, as he came inside of her – and with her – and she had not cared about them not using protection. She had not cared about the possible consequences. He was her entire heart.

After a pleasure that lasted forever, their bodies had gotten limp and she had loved to feel his weight on her, his face hidden in the hollow of her neck, his ragged breathing. Their skins were sweaty, clammy, and she had never felt more vibrant and alive. Closing her arms around his shoulders, she had let her fingertips run up and down his back, all the while kissing his face, again and again and again.

“Lise…”

His voice had sounded hoarse.

“Yeah…”

“I love you. You gotta know that… Even if it’s no longer what you need to know. Even if it’s too late.”

He had delivered those words with such honesty, with such clarity, that this time the tears had come, spilling from her eyes.

“God damn it, Mike…” She had smiled, sobbed and held onto his body. “I love you too…”

Michael had risen on his elbows, looking down at her – his hair crazy, his face flushed, his eyes surprised. His body still embedded inside of hers.

“You do?”

What was the point of lying to him again? Whatever strategy she had attempted to fend him off had clearly failed. And she was tired of pretending to detest him. Or even worse, to be indifferent to him. His love had burned her resistance to the ground.

“With all my heart…”

This time, it had been his eyes that welled up. Yet he maintained a calm, serene, collected facade. In fact, he smiled.

“I told you… you’re a horrible liar… Looks like I was right…”

Laughing breathlessly, she had pulled his head down until, once again, his face was hidden in the crook of her neck. She had sighed, enjoying the way he still moved inside of her, almost imperceptibly.

“Don’t leave just yet, ‘kay? Stay right where you are…”

She really, really hadn’t wanted him to pull back.

“OK…”

And then they had dozed off.

Turning, she watched him sleep.

Michael was lying on his stomach, his naked back in full display, the bedsheets covering him at the hips. He looked serene – the way he had looked earlier that day, when she had found him napping on the deck. Lisa hoped her presence had contributed to that.

Knowing very well how light his sleep was, she refrained from touching him – even though every cell in her body screamed to reach out and stroke his back, his hair – and sat up instead. She rose from the bed and wrapped her body in the blanket they had thrown on the floor.

Quietly, wanting this night to never end, she opened the French windows that led to the private deck area. Shivering against the chilly air of the night, she watched the water – intensely blue, almost black – and the sky – intensely blue, almost black. Studded with stars.

She stayed there for long minutes, allowing the night breeze to run through her hair, to caress her skin. When she saw a falling star, she gasped.

“What do you wish, Lisa?”

Michael’s voice, low and a bit hoarse, reached her from behind, and she smiled, closing her eyes for a moment. She hadn’t heard him move at all. As usual.

What do I wish? You. Us. A different outcome. A different future.

Yet she didn’t answer. When he came to stand next to her, wearing nothing but his pants, she simply leaned against him. His arm around her shoulders felt comforting.

“Wishes shouldn’t be said out loud.”

He shrugged.

“That’s fair.”

They stayed quiet for a long time, just reveling in each other’s presence. In the beauty and intensity of what had happened – something neither one of them had planned, predicted, or imagined.

“Nic asked me to marry him…”

The words came out before she could even prevent them. Michael looked at her and didn’t even seem surprised.

“Of course… And what did you say?”

“Nothing. I didn’t have an answer. But then he left me, anyway, so…”

“Why?”

“Because I told him I would be seeing you.”

Michael just nodded his head lightly, his face unreadable again.

“You think it’s over, then? Between you and him…”

She sighed, looking over at the ocean.

“It’s complicated…”

“Why? You don’t love him.”

Right. She didn’t. She loved Michael. And he knew that.

“You didn’t love Deb either. Yet you didn’t leave her even though you and I were back together. So it’s not always a matter of loving someone or not, right, Mike?”

This time it hurt him – and she knew it. He, too, turned his eyes over to the water, in the distance. Toward a horizon he could barely discern.

“It was a business decision. A brain-dead one, actually. I know that now.”

“Well, then…”

“But in your case it’s different, Lise…” He pulled back from her and held onto the railing with both hands. The muscles of his torso flexing. “And not that complicated. Maybe you should be wondering if it’s about having people control you. People you can’t see… or pretend not to see… despite spotting those who wanna do the same thing to me from miles away.”

She tensed up and crossed her arms over her chest. The chill of the night hitting her again – especially without the safety and comfort of his embrace.

“What the hell are you talking about? Nobody controls me.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Finally, his eyes found her. And that was somehow a surprise. Because the Michael she knew had always avoided conflict like the plague, and she had expected him to bite and retreat. Instead, there was a different feeling in the way he was looking at her.

“Your mother. Your church. Your handlers. Maybe even Nic, who knows. You know they do.” His tone was soft, and she was so tempted to simply give in. To just crumble finally. She had felt she had to be strong for so long, she had almost forgotten how not to be. However, temptations didn’t always translate into immediate actions.

“That’s bullshit. The church knows how to cleanse me. They know how to help me.”

He winced.

“The church knows how to fuck you over after you do stuff that fucks you up, Lisa.”

“And you’re the one to talk, right…?” She replied sarcastically. Then she straightened her stance. “I live my life the way I see fit, Mike. There’s nothing I’m doing I’m not in control of.”

His eyebrows sprung up.

“Yeah? I used to say the same. While partying, drinking, fucking women I barely knew… or didn’t know at all. I put up a front, but the truth was that I was upset and no longer in control of my life. I only pretended to be.” He cocked his head to a side and stared at her intensely. “You helped me see it. Why can’t you do the same for yourself?”

Lisa swallowed, feeling the darkness that had accompanied her for her entire life closing in on her. Threatening to choke her.

“Because I can’t.”

She knew he was right. The church had become progressively more pervasive in the past year and, together with her mother, had been pushing its claws into Lisa’s flesh – and pockets – deeper and deeper. And as far as Nic went… she had way too often felt more like a trophy to him than anything else. Their relationship had never really worked. It had only been a fight-fire-with-fire kind of scenario. That was why, when he had stomped off after knowing she would spend time with Michael, she had let him go and felt nothing. Nothing but intense irritation, and the certainty that nobody could prevent her from going to Michael if she felt to. Not even Nic. Well… certainly not Nic.

Michael turned and grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him.

“Then let me do it for you. Let me help you like you helped me.” She could see he was struggling to find the words, and his commitment alone almost crashed her resolution. “Look, Lise, I don’t wanna argue. Not after making love to you for hours. Not after hearing you say you still love me. All I know is that we’re stronger, healthier, saner together than we can ever be apart. Can’t you see it? Can’t you see how we dim out? Is that how it’s gonna go down?”

She was speechless, completely unprepared for the storm of truths he was unleashing upon her. It was as if, by making love, by telling him she still loved him, a lid had blown open and all Michael had felt, thought, realized after they had broken up was finally running free. She didn’t know if she could withstand it. Yet she could not step away. Not this time.

“And how would you help me?”

“In every possible way. Or better, we can help each other. Fix the mistrust that we’ve built between us through the years… I know it was because of other people, Lise… circumstances… shit we couldn’t control. But it was mostly because of us. We allowed the interferences. We allowed those… those… how do you call them?”

“…vampires…”

He smiled, and looked relieved. Maybe he was just happy they were on the same train of thought.

“…Yeah. Those vampires to come between us.” He blinked, staring into space for a moment, likely gathering his thoughts. “I loved listening to you, earlier. I didn’t think I could do it, but then… it just happened. I just decided to let you in, completely. But if I’m ready to listen… and you love me like you said you do… then you should be willing to listen to what I have to say, as well.”

Looking deep into his eyes, she could tell he meant every single word he had said. She had no idea what had changed inside of him, but maybe it wasn’t all that different from the crystal ball that had shattered in her soul – finally setting her prisoner heart free. Free to leap back to him.

“OK… Then speak up. You have…” Lisa glanced over the sky. Still dark. “…until dawn.”

Michael smiled.

“Still not done bossing me around, mh?”

She took his hand.

“I never said I was done.”

Redondo Beach, California – one month later

It seemed to him that the water spoke to him. The waves crashing against the shore had a language of their own that, as of late, he had come to recognize and understand. He hadn’t thought much of it when he had initially bought the Matina – during a party that had seen him get shit-faced drunk. As a matter of fact, the morning after he didn’t even remember about the purchase from one of his new “friends”.

But eventually, by spending time on board, Michael had started to appreciate the space and liberty that owning a gulet yacht allowed him to have. Plus, there was the added bonus of the media not knowing about his boat at all – maybe they thought it was a little too normal and mundane for an eccentric like him, which meant that he could come and go as he pleased.

That was why even his new house in Redondo Beach made sense… especially after his time with Lisa on the Matina. The seafront property in the beautiful coastal city in the South Bay of L.A. County was another thing the press hadn’t gotten a whiff of. Not yet, at least. So far, he had refrained from telling everyone and had always been there on his own, with a minimal security detail. He was getting acquainted with the setting and soon would bring the kids with him. For now, he enjoyed the luxury and beauty of the sandy beaches, the solitude, the scenic views, the nature… and the private harbor annexed to the house.

Michael stood on the terrace as the evening approached, observing the sky turning orange, pink clouds twirling on that tapestry that was about to become studded with stars. The Matina, dark and deserted, swayed gently onto the waves, waiting for him to come back. Waiting for him to sail back home.

But this new home, too, was his home. If only he could share with the woman he loved…

Michael hadn’t seen Lisa in a month, after the day they had spent together on board. After they had spoken for hours and made love and then spoken for hours again. Their last one had been a long, quiet, heartfelt conversation during which he had told her that they were more similar than she imagined. That her life was, at times, in other people’s hands just as much as his was. And that he hoped she would see that, sooner or later, because her slapping him awake from a state of emotional trance that had lasted a year had made him realize that, sometimes, things could change with a little push that could generate a huge, massive shift.

Once his mind had been cleared, it had been much easier to see what had been in front of his eyes all along. Lisa was right in her assessment, and maybe for the first time in a lifetime he had wondered why, for so long, he had not given too much credit to her advice. Why he had lost faith in her instead of the countless parvenus flocking to him like dogs to a bone.

It had been so easy to hear her, this time. It was only fair that he reciprocated the favor. After all, he too had heard the rumors. He, too, knew that she partied way too hard at times. Which meant that she wasn’t as happy or fulfilled as she portrayed, just like him.

At some point, toward the end of the night, he had asked about her alleged indifference. More specifically, he had asked her how she had gotten to that point. Really, really, really wanting to know what he had done that had caused her to think he didn’t deserve anything else.

She had just shaken her head.

“Nothing… I mean, we were in trouble, of course. We had plenty of shit to deal with, you know that. And you broke my heart, Mike… More than once. But never to the point that you couldn’t stitch it back together.”

“Then… why? How did it happen?”

After a long pause during which she had looked small and forlorn, she had started telling him about the “technology” that had brought her to that mindset. Stuff she had done, techniques she had learned to get rid of negative feelings, negative thoughts, burdens that kept her pinned down. A sheer act of desperate self-defense. It had pained him to know she had felt that way, but he also understood. He had been caught in the same misery after breaking up with her, and more than once he had hoped he would stop loving her altogether.

“But it didn’t work out in the end…” She was staring at her own hands, resting in her lap. Twisting the bedsheets. “…You must know that. I am sorry for using that word. I thought I was protecting myself… and in a way, you, too. Because we were going nowhere. But instead… I was just making everything worse.”

A single tear had rolled down her cheek and he had felt his stomach sink. Scooting closer, he had found her eyes. He had dried that tear away. Then he had kissed her. And they had made love again, for the longest time, slow and languid, as if it was the last thing to do before the planet in its entirety blew up to smithereens.

The following day had been quiet, and had found them cuddling on the deck chair, on the bridge. The Matina had started to move between the island as Michael and Lisa enjoyed the little time they had left to spend together before stepping into the unknown of the future. A future that he, all of a sudden, wanted to be different – brighter. And certainly way more meaningful than his most recent past.

As they observed the different islands around the coast of Los Angeles – Santa Catalina, the Channel Islands National Park, Santa Rosa, San Nicolas, San Clemente – he had loved to feel her body cling to him, her head resting over his chest.

“It’s all so beautiful out here, Mike. It really is.”

“Maybe we should live on a boat… where nobody bothers us.”

She had smiled, snuggling more against him, kissing his chest. He adored how soft and pliant she was. She, too, looked as if a burden had finally been lifted from her shoulders.

“You think?”

“Yeah. Maybe I should have taken you on a boat back then… when things were crashing down…”

“You mean last year?” Her voice had sounded sad, more fragile than usual.

“Or maybe even before then.”

He really meant it. Having the luxury of retrospect, maybe things would have gone differently. Maybe the water would have talked to them just like it had done now. Maybe that peace and liberating feeling would have helped them break the invisible chains that pulled them down and under. Right now, the water’s voice – together with Lisa’s voice – had only helped him realize that he – they – hadn’t become what they once thought they could be.

When eventually, late in the afternoon, they had reached Los Angeles, Michael had simply watched Lisa go, his mood collected but somber. What else could he do? What else could she do? She knew where he stood and he knew how she felt about him, but regardless of their next steps, there were plenty of things that needed to be taken care of. The only thing he was sure of, was that she was not about to marry Nic. That ship – no pun intended – had sailed. Worst case scenario, she would stall. Best case scenario, she would leave Nic and come back to him. The way she had made love to him again and again had given him all the answers he needed in that department.

Exchanging a last glance when she was already on the motorboat, Michael had realized that he didn’t need to tell her that this was their chance for a new beginning. He didn’t need to tell her to please reconsider whatever silly decision she thought she had made. If, in the past, words had lacked, in this case there had been an abundance of them. All he had to do was to wait for her next move.

Yet, a couple of weeks later and having not heard from her at all, he had decided to send her a letter. How long it had been since he had written one of those for her. Well, in all honesty, he had written countless letters for Lisa, and to Lisa. He had just never sent them. But he was no longer afraid to do that. He was sick and tired of being afraid.

“…Your concern, your words, your love forced me to think about stuff I had avoided. You and I, we’ve been scared for so long. On the run for so long. Having you like that again made me realize we both had been losing touch with our most profound desires. Just going with the motions.
That is no way to live.
Aren’t you tired of running? Don’t you want to start arriving?”

He knew she had gotten the letter, since he had sent Wayne to deliver it to her personally. In the envelope, he had also included a key to his new Redondo Beach property, tied to a little note with the specific address.

“You waited for me for a long time. Now it’s my turn to wait for you.”

Still, nothing. Not a word, not a letter, not a phone call, hell, not even a text message. At a different time, he would have been devastated. Doubtful. Angry. And disappointed.

But not this time.

That was why, when he heard the doorbell ring, Michael didn’t even flinch. In fact, he closed his eyes for a moment and smiled. Then he rested his glass of wine on the railing and left the terrace, walking over to the front door.

The sky had turned from pink to purple. The waves were crashing harder against the shore.

He opened the door and found Lisa’s eyes. He leaned against the door frame.

“Did you forget your key?”

“No. I just wanted to surprise you. Sorry it took me so long…”

God, how he loved her.

“So… are you staying?”

Lisa reached out and took his hand.

“Yeah. Where should I be, if not with you? I’m tired of running. And I don’t wanna be lost anymore.”

Michael pulled at her gently.

“Come inside.”

End.

1958 – forever.