Contingent – Chapter 15 | Speculations

Chapter 15 | Speculations

speculation (n.)

late 14c., “intelligent contemplation, consideration; act of looking,” from Old French speculacion “close observation, rapt attention,” and directly from Late Latin speculationem (nominative speculatio) “contemplation, observation,” noun of action from Latin speculatus, past participle of speculari “observe,” from specere “to look at, view” (from PIE root *spek- “to observe”).

Meaning “pursuit of the truth by means of thinking” is from mid-15c. Disparaging sense of “mere conjecture” is recorded from 1570s. Meaning “buying and selling in search of profit from rise and fall of market value” is recorded from 1774; short form spec is attested from 1794.

Quirky.

That was the first word that came into Lisa’s mind the moment she met Lynsey Fuoco in person. Her hair flaming red as her last name suggested, wearing a classic grey business suit but with the unique touch of a topaz-green scarf, and sporting a huge smile on her face, she sauntered over to Michael and Lisa the very moment they walked into her office. And yes, Michael was right: she was a real character.

Lisa hadn’t paid too much attention to his words, as they drove together to the city – strangely undetected by paparazzi. That was what had really surprised – and distracted her, and she had asked Michael about it.

“That’s because they don’t know I’m here.”

“Where? In this car?”

“No, silly, back in Los Angeles… They think I’m hiding somewhere in Switzerland.” He had winked at her, then had scooted closer and kissed her lips, very gently. “Isn’t this silence beautiful?”

She had just watched him, wordlessly. Once again, an old feeling resurfaced. Something she had felt so many times during their marriage. The sense of having become part of a massive machine without even realizing it. To have someone else setting up her life in detail.

She had pushed the thought away. No, this was not it. Things were different now. They wouldn’t make the same mistakes that had so quickly destroyed their relationship, in the past.

And yet her mind was reeling. Michael coming clean with the press was almost a contradiction in itself, at least in her perception. They had spoken about it a little bit, as they got ready to leave Hidden Hills in the morning, after having breakfast with the kids. He had always loved being shrouded in mystery and, in fact, that specific aspect of his public persona had been carefully crafted throughout his life. Making people wonder, or be entirely in the dark, or letting them know just a little tiny bit was one of Michael’s many talents. So why did he look like he had changed his mind all of a sudden?

She had asked him, point blank. His answer had been a bit evasive, and yet not.

“You know what’s good about strategies, Lisa?” Still wet from his shower, a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair down on his shoulders, he was scanning the walk-in closet, where she still kept several of his clothes. Despite the divorce, she had never had the heart to throw them away – and the small place had become a shelter where she had sometimes hidden, when the pain of him being gone was too much to bear.

“What, baby?”

Characteristically, he had chosen a red shirt, black pants and a quite plain black jacket.

“That you can change them when they stop working…” He had replied, as if he was talking to himself. And that had been pretty much it, at least right then and there. She guessed that, after all, his train of thoughts was very similar to her own.

Now, as they sat in Lynsey Fuoco’s office – which defining odd as its owner would have been the understatement of the year – Lisa started to realize that Michael was really taking a different approach. And that the path he had decided to take would potentially make a huge difference.

Miss Fuoco – one of the most prominent PR experts in L.A., specializing in crisis communication, media relations and of course, celebrity public relations – was one of a kind. Just like Michael.

“I usually think of her as a mercurial person…” Michael had told Lisa in the car. “Like someone who’s doing her best to live within the confines of an all in all grey world… and yet her bursts of colors and energy can’t help but come through…”

“Ah, really? Reminds me of someone…” Lisa had glanced out of the window. The morning was sunny, but colorless.

“I guess part of what made me interested in working with her is that I never really know what’s going through her mind. But not in a bad way. I think even she surprises herself along the way, at times…” He had snickered.

She had turned to him, her eyes narrowing. “Why are you being so secretive about her?”

“Oh, I’m not! It’s just… it’s real hard to describe her. You have to meet her.”

Man… had he been right.

“Gosh, I can’t believe I have both of you here! Finally!” Lynsey kept smiling, and it was genuine. Her huge green eyes sparkled. “The king and his queen! You’re so stunning together! My husband is going to be so jealous. I remember watching some footage of you guys, a couple of years ago… Lisa, you are always such a gracious partner to Michael! And the matching outfits, don’t even get me started about those! So classy! So… how’s your marriage going?”

“We’re divorced.” Michael grinned uncomfortably. “Well… At least for now.” Without turning to Lisa, he reached out and took her hand, squeezing it. Lisa felt in the twilight zone.

“Oh, right! Right!” Miss Fuoco patted her forehead. “I knew you are divorced. I’m sorry! I got distracted by…”

Long pause. Her eyes moved to Lisa’s face, then to her necklace.

“…I love your necklace, by the way, especially the shape. But also the cut. And the gem.”

Lisa touched the pendant in an automatic gesture.

“…Ah, thank you?”

“Is it from Michael?”

“Yes…”

“Just beautiful!” Lynsey’s smile got even wider. Something Lisa didn’t think possible. “Anyway, I’m so sorry – I always got so many things in my mind, sometimes they just overlap. But I do remember what you told me, Michael. And Lisa – can I call you Lisa?”

“Of course.”

“Lisa – Michael and I have already discussed the perfect action plan to control the uncontrollable. I mean, the media.”

Lisa winched. “I don’t think we can really do that…”

“That’s the point! We can’t! But we can direct them where we want them to go!”

“…Can we?”

“Yes!” Miss Fuoco clapped her hands. Lisa frowned, trying hard to get a glimpse of her very peculiar way of reasoning, and to understand what, exactly, was about this woman that made her seem distracted and yet savant, in equal parts. Just like Michael, she too was intrigued by Lynsey’s cognitive quirk and could see why he was so thrilled to have her in his team.

“Michael – so far you built your public persona on enigmas, riddles, subtlety. But right now, I don’t think we can carry on like that.”

“I am aware of that…” Michael let go of Lisa’s hand and rested it on his leg. Lisa turned to stare at him for a moment. That tired, tense look again. Despite his enthusiasm for their reconnection, despite his vitality and all in all good mood, and despite his insatiable sexual appetite, she could tell that he was exhausted – both physically and emotionally. Touring was hell for him, and she was glad he had decided to just stay home for a few months. He needed to unwind, relax and recharge – unless the birth of two babies in the span of a few weeks would act as a coup de grace for him. Or maybe – hey, maybe his babies would be a trigger for him. A signal from above to start focusing on something other than his art.

“Miss Debbie has been showing her pretty little claws, and what she has said to the press is not the only thing she’s going to say. I am sure both of you know that.”

“We do.” Lisa cleared her throat, and fought the urge to point out that nothing about that woman was pretty. Or little. She just wanted this Debbie thing to be over quickly. She wanted the lady to be dealt with – possibly forever. She had not been able to achieve that during her marriage to Michael, and Michael himself could only do so much. They needed an external eye. And if Lynsey Fuoco could get there, Lisa was on board.

“Great! Now, the point is: do we know what she’s going to say next?” Her intelligent eyes moved from Michael to Lisa, then back to Michael.

“Well, she certainly has a few aces up her sleeve. But I have no idea what she’s gonna do with them… Or when she’s gonna use them.”

“Alright… so, the fact that we know what we already know might mean that there’s something more that we don’t know yet, so what we have to do is find out what we don’t know.”

Lisa was confused.

“And how do we do that?”

Lynsey’s eyebrows sprung up and she gave her a knowing smile, nodding her head.

“Yeah, exactly…”

“…What?” Lisa leaned forward a little bit. By her side, Michael pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah! That’s my job, I mean. You don’t have to worry about that. Miss Rowe knows people in the industry. She has connections. But I do, too. And it’s going to be a nice game. In fact…” She opened a drawer and put a folder on the desk, flipping through the pages. “…There’s something interesting I’ve already found out that I would like to share with you…. I’ve been asking around, you know…”

She focused on a page and put on her reading glasses.

“So… if we take a look at the most recent rumors, and we already know that she is the anonymous source, they are hinting at a second pregnancy. Which, obviously, is Lisa’s. I guess Miss Debbie is making a veiled threat here. Something along the lines of lines of, I know what you’ve been hiding and I’m ready to spill the beans. The point is that so far, the press has not thought about Lisa at all. In fact, since this whole thing has started, they only have eyes for Michael and Debbie… especially because Lisa is very private, and not really interesting.” She looked up at Lisa and made a face. “I’m so sorry. But you being holed up in your mansion all the time doesn’t really make you palatable for the paparazzi.”

“Oh, don’t be sorry. I like to be difficult.”

“You sure do, baby…” Unable to resist, Michael grabbed her hand again and kissed it.

Lynsey cocked her head and clasped her hands.

“Aw. That was cute. Anyway…” She turned the page. “As I was thinking about how to stop her next move, I got seduced by my next thought quite a bit. And I think we should hit the news in the way Miss Rowe least expects. Michael and I have already talked about this.”

“Well, yeah…” Lisa shrugged. “He told me that he’s intentioned to… sorta come clean with the press.”

“He did? That is so cool!” Lynsey smiled again, as if Lisa had just said the most endearing thing ever. “I just think we shouldn’t waste time trying to assess her agenda, her timeline or the exact way she’s going to reveal her info before acting. What we know for sure, is what she’s technically allowed to say – simply because nothing forbids her from speaking. And that she does know some juicy stuff. She knows that Lisa’s pregnant, she knows you two have been fooling around even during and after the divorce. Those are the two main things. They are big, of course, but nine times out of ten, people like Miss Rowe also tend to marinate the truth quite a bit. Which is why I’m asking you to take a leap of faith…”

“About what?” Michael, up until that moment silent, spoke in a very calm voice. “What did you find out, Lynsey?”

“Well… I tried to watch the situation from a different angle. Not focusing on what she knows but on what she might make up. And according to my sources… the lady tends to be pretty colorful when it comes to anecdotes about you.”

“Wait, what?” His brow furrowed. He was surprised. So was Lisa. She immediately started biting her nails.

“Well, first of all, she’s going to say that you and she had been planning to have a kid for quite a long time… even during your marriage to Lisa, and without your wife knowing. And that, of course, you had been trying the natural way… with you being very, ah, eccentric in bed. Masks, silly, cartoonish role play, costumes, and stuff.”

“But that never happened…” Michael blushed. “I mean… we didn’t… You know… we were never intimate… that way.”

“I know, right?” She kept smiling. “But that’s what she is going to say. That, I know for sure. My sources say that she also might not be above suggesting that you’re not the biological father of her child. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if a rumor spread that Lisa is indeed pregnant, but the kid is Mister Keough’s, her first husband. While you, Michael… well, you fooled around everyone, and maybe somehow there’s a third woman involved, too. A woman whom, of course, you got rid of pretty quickly when the shit started to hit the fan. Because you’re a selfish, insensitive bastard. There certainly are girls around you who would be more than ready to say you were anything but the devoted, faithful husband.”

Lisa swallowed, her eyes lowering. Although what Miss Fuoco said was nothing but a bunch of lies, delivered with the most nonchalant voice, the tiny slice of truth behind it all still burned. Yes, Michael had tried to have a kid with Debbie while they were still married – although not the natural way. Tragically, Debbie had suffered a miscarriage. But the point was that, when she had become pregnant the first time around, Michael and Lisa weren’t even separated. And although Lisa had so stupidly dared him to go on with his plan, a part of her still couldn’t believe he had done it for real. A shiver ran down her spine.

“So, the point is: do we want to wait for Miss Rowe, or anyone else, to open their mouth again, which is something they might do anyway, or are we going to counterattack immediately?”

Michael studied Lynsey carefully. “Are you asking us?”

“Oh, no! It was a rhetorical question. Pretty much like me saying that you’re a selfish, insensitive bastard. I don’t really think you are. But anyway… There’s only one way to destroy lies. With the truth. Miss Rowe, or any other source, can make up what they want, but if the truth is out there already, and it’s set in stone, their weapons will pretty much be neutralized. They’ll crumble. In this case, staying quiet wouldn’t help you guys.”

He just nodded, staring down at his own hands. Lisa glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. She knew why he was nervous. It wasn’t about telling the truth. It wasn’t even about the truth in itself because Michael was, and always had been, a very honest man. It was about putting himself out there for everyone to judge and scrutinize. It was one thing when the public, the media, dissected bizarre lies and speculations. Most of the times, to Michael, it didn’t even feel like they were talking about him, but about a different persona which had nothing to do with the man he truly was. He didn’t care. But this… This was entirely different. This meant being vulnerable for real.

At the same time, the stakes had never been higher. It was not only about Michael alone, now. With two babies about to be born, it would never be just about him again. And he knew it as much as Lisa did.

“So, in practical terms, I would strongly suggest you stop every speculation by simply releasing a statement. An honest one. The amount of information you want to release, we can decide together. The tone of your statement, we can decide together. Michael can do it on his own, but you, Lisa, can be in this, too… If you want, that is.” Lynsey turned uncharacteristically serious for a moment, watching them both. “Because that’s what it looks like, to me at least. That you are… or want to be, together.”

Lisa just nodded her head, but her vocal cords felt paralyzed.

Graceland, four weeks later

“Following the most recent rumors about his private life, Michael Jackson has decided to publicly confirm that he, indeed, is the father of Miss Rowe’s soon-to-be-born child. At the same time, Mister Jackson would also like to address the speculations surrounding a rumored second pregnancy with another woman. Miss Lisa Marie Presley, former Mrs. Jackson, is, in fact, pregnant with Michael’s baby as well. Although Miss Rowe’s gestation is the result of a specific business agreement between two parties that were never romantically involved, Miss Presley’s pregnancy is the blessed and contingent consequence of her ongoing romantic relationship with her ex-husband.

Both children will be born in the spring of 1997. Mr. Jackson and Miss Presley are ecstatic to be expanding their newfound family and will welcome the babies with absolute love and maximum commitment. As a consequence of the current state of affairs, and in order to focus on his family, Mr. Jackson has canceled every public apparition scheduled for the next three months. He will resume the final leg of his HIStory Tour as previously planned.

For the time being, the couple will not release any further statement about their personal relationship, and asks for privacy in this extraordinary and delicate moment of their lives.”

Lisa read the announcement over and over again. It had been out for a couple of weeks already and was still everywhere, and the rag she was flipping through was just one of the many magazines that had given space to the unexpected news. Unexpected, for lack of a better word. Lisa was prone to believe that no reporter in the world would have ever anticipated such a clear, open, transparent, detailed statement coming directly from Michael, especially when the subject was his private life.

Usually, Michael preferred to keep silent. He hinted at stuff without saying it out loud. He didn’t pay attention to gossip. He was extremely private about his personal life and, although he had been quite public in showing his affection for Lisa while they were married, she knew very well that what he conceded to the public was a very, very small part of the man he was behind closed doors. Which, in her opinion, was only fair. He didn’t owe anyone anything. He had been giving his art to the world for his entire existence.

After their meeting with Lynsey Fuoco, the new PR team had crafted the words and sent a clear message both to the press and to Debbie Rowe herself. And, of course, to the general public. It was definitely an abrupt U-turn from Michael’s usual public behavior. The magazines had printed the statement, the news had talked about it. Radio, TV. It was inevitable to notice. And yet, up until that point, Lisa and Michael had merely avoided facing the rest of the world, and the reactions their statement had generated, preferring to focus on the last trimester of their pregnancy. De facto, respecting their own words when they asked for privacy.

They had been in Memphis for a couple of days now, and Michael’s strategic skills regarding logistics had made the trip safe and secure. He had been investing time, commitment and money to keep the paparazzi away as much as he could. Reporters were around Hidden Hills 24/7. They were also at Neverland, and sometimes even at the Encino house. Katherine had called, and she had sounded worried, upset. Michael had told her that he would be there right away, with Lisa.

Of course, he had told his mother everything about what was going on even before the statement was released to the press, and albeit stunned by the news, Katherine had decided not to comment. But Lisa had seen her face, and could tell that her former mother-in-law was not exactly happy about the whole thing. Debbie’s pregnancy and the botched wedding ceremony had been hard to digest, but were also a piece of cake compared to discovering that Lisa Marie, too, was pregnant with Michael’s baby. And that basically he was soon going to have two babies, pretty much at the same time and from two different women, without being the husband of neither one of the two.

Observed from an external point of view, their situation surely looked fucked up, perhaps even more than it had been during the last, telluric weeks of their marriage.

As Michael spoke to Katherine in a calm, hushed tone, Lisa had stood at the opposite corner of the kitchen, not uttering a word. Just witnessing the whole scene. Just noticing, for the umpteenth time, how the lives of so many people were influenced by her and Michael’s decisions. Katherine had sat down, eyes downcast, and had let her son hold her hand as he spoke and spoke, almost caught in a confession. Trying to explain. Doing his best to sound reasonable, as if what was happening were entirely normal. Stressing out, again and again, how everything that was going on had been planned in advance.

“Mother, I ask you to please understand my point of view. And please, try to just be happy for us… for Lisa and me… The babies… Our babies… they will be loved. You know they will.”

Lisa had heard the whispered words. Then she had noticed Katherine’s eyes look up at her. They shone, holding a certain degree of resignation and an evident inability to fully grasp Michael’s point of view. Lisa could relate.

On their way back to the Hideout, Lisa had addressed the thing. Michael had kept his eyes fixed straight ahead and, for a moment, he had looked distant, remote.

“I know it’s hard for her to comprehend my choices. I don’t expect her to. But she loves me, and I love her, and she knows me, she knows my heart… and…” He had nodded his head. “…She will be happy eventually. You’ll see, Lisa… You’ll see.”

Motherfucking mess had been the only two words coming to Lisa’s mind at that very moment, but she had decided to just keep them for herself. After all, she had a part in this too. And despite the holy grace of their resurrected relationship, the current situation also held the permanent marks of what had gone wrong before. Something she had once read had passed through her brain like a comet streak: apparently, Japanese broken objects were aggrandized in their damages. Cracks were filled with pure gold, because anything that had suffered disturbance became more beautiful. She could only hope there was some truth in that, and that she and Michael, and the family they were struggling so hard to build, would eventually sparkle and shine. And be solid. And last.

Once at Graceland, they had then found themselves face to face with the other former mother-in-law. Only, Priscilla wasn’t remotely as mild, sweet and all in all reasonable as Katherine. But yet again, meeting her again sooner or later was inevitable. When Lisa had asked her mom for some space and time, a few months earlier, Priscilla had complied half-heartedly, but as Lisa’s pregnancy progressed she had become more and more insistent. Calling her non-stop, asking her to meet. Lisa had stalled as much as she could, not really inclined to put her fragile serenity at risk with her mother’s notorious aversion for everything involving Michael. Then her birthday had come and, with it, the perfect occasion to face her mom. All things considered, Graceland seemed a pretty neutral territory.

Surprisingly enough, the peace permeating the Estate seemed to work just fine so far.

Priscilla had been there, in the main mansion, when Michael and Lisa arrived. She had hugged her daughter tightly, observed her now prominent belly and gave her a strained smile. It was apparent that she still had a bit of trouble accepting who the father of the baby was. Her disdain for Michael had never been a secret, and the reasons for her animosity had always been only partly clear.

Eventually, she had turned to him, nodding curtly. They had shaken hands and exchanged the necessary, empty pleasantries. Of course, Michael had been nothing but sweet, while Priscilla… well, despite the arctic cold in her eyes, Lisa had to admit that her mother had been at least polite. A couple of minutes later, the older Presley had excused herself and had left, leaving Michael quite surprised, and not necessarily in a bad way.

“Well, that was remarkable, given her usually… ah, adorable disposition…” He had muttered, shrugging.

Lisa had walked over to him, and he had placed his arm around her shoulders right away, pulling her close in a protective gesture. His eyes were still fixed on the long corridor in front of him, as if he was expecting Priscilla to reappear. Maybe holding a hatchet. Ready to decapitate him and feed him to the dogs.

Lisa had snuggled against his chest, finding immediate comfort in his warmth.

“I told you. I was very clear when I let her know that we were coming here for a few days. She can be around us, as long as she’s civil.”

“Well… it worked…”

“Yeah, well… so far, at least. Let’s enjoy the peace as long as it lasts… without poking the dragon too much…” She had taken his hand and had guided him toward the wing of the mansion that had been set up for them.

Michael had giggled.

“I got better things to poke you with. Lead the way, woman…”

Now, as she sat in the porch swing on the portico, Lisa pushed the magazine aside and stared down at the rolling pastures surrounding the house. Her hands rested on her belly, finding solace in the baby’s tiny movements. The temperature was very low, but she had decided to spend some time in the outdoors anyway. Despite the cold winter, the colors were marvelous, and everything was so peaceful. For a very long time, Graceland had filled her with a mixture of tenderness and grief. That was the place where she had lost her father. And apparently, that was now the place where she was finding the man she loved again and again.

Michael had been quiet, very pensive for the last couple of days. But not emotionally inaccessible, not at all. Just reserved. Despite his innuendo after meeting Priscilla, he and Lisa hadn’t made love yet, preferring to just cuddle and enjoy each other’s closeness, their rediscovered emotional intimacy. Lisa suspected that the mansion was a bit of a cock-blocking environment for him. The thought made her grin.

“Hey… whatcha snickerin’ at?”

Lisa jumped. Of course, Michael still had the power to startle her with his feline pace. How he managed to be so silent while walking, at times, was still surprising to her.

“Oh, shit… You scared the daylights out of me. Nothing, really. Just stupid thoughts…”

“Wanna share?” He sat down next to her on the porch swing and kissed her temple.

“You want me to share stupid stuff with you?”

His dark eyes narrowed, their look enigmatic.

“I want to share everything with you, princess.”

Right. The subtle, sweet jab. They never ceased, lately. Michael seemed in a hurry. Despite what he had told Katherine, he too was an old-fashioned man and Lisa believed that their undefined relationship irked him a little bit. But he would never admit it, of course.

“Hey… did Lynsey call you?”

Michael blinked, noticing that she had avoided his remark. Then he decided to give her some slack.

“Yes. She did actually, yesterday. Debbie’s been quiet so far… so we don’t have other rumors to deal with. At least for now. I guess she’s stunned. But the baby’s fine. I made sure of that.”

“Well, I suppose she is… speechless, for once.” Lisa glanced down at the tabloid, then averted her gaze. Michael touched her chin, forcing her to turn to him.

“Hey… what’s wrong, baby? You look sad. Worried.” A pause. He scrunched his eyebrows. “Why are you worried?”

“No, I really am not. I just get a bit…” She shook her head and tried to smile. “It’s just this place, Mike. It makes me a bit moody.”

He chewed on her words for a second. Then he got up, holding out his hand.

“Come on… Let’s go.”

Why was he always dragging her somewhere? She eyed him up as she, too, rose from the porch swing. He just smiled, then gently guided her along the pathway that twisted and turned around the Colonial Revival building. It took Lisa less than a minute to realize where he was taking her: to the Meditation Garden. Where her father had been laid to rest. Lisa blinked, but just kept following Michael until they reached the beautiful, placid area. The water splashing in the round fountain broke the otherwise silent, cold February morning. The greenery surrounding the gravestones was dazzling in its chromatic intensity.

Sniffling against the freezing temperature and half-hiding in the lapels of his long coat, Michael stood right before Elvis’ tombstone and took a deep breath. Then, he removed his sunglasses and put them in his pocket.

“Hello, Mr. Presley…” His voice was very soft, very calm.

Suddenly shivering, Lisa folded her arms over her chest. Her eyes immediately focused on her father’s final resting place, and there she and Michael stayed, for several minutes, in quiet contemplation, before he spoke again.

“Remember the first time you took me here?”

She just nodded her head.

“We weren’t even married, back then…”

“Right. We were just dating. Remember what you told me?”

Lisa bit her lips.

“Yeah. I told you that I would always come here, to him… when I needed to find some peace of mind.”

This time, it was Michael who nodded. Hesitating for a moment, he then stepped right behind Lisa, wrapping his arms around her, his chest resting against her back. He pulled her close to his body, just holding her. His gloved hands finding their place over her belly, his fingers interlacing with hers, he kissed her cheek and then rested his chin on her shoulder.

“I want you to be at peace, girl. I want you… us, to be happy. I know… I know you’re upset. I am not blind.”

“Well, you are kinda blind…” Lisa smirked and snuggled closer to him. Michael smiled.

“Yeah, well… Anyway, I know all these changes are distressing for you. But they’re good changes, Lisa… They’re for the best. We’re doing everything we can to make it right, this time.”

That was the Michael she had so quickly fallen in love with, not only the first time around but so many other times after that. Because loving Michael, to Lisa, also meant falling for him over and over again, almost helplessly. She had resigned to her own vulnerability when it came to him. It was just how it was, and she knew it would be that way for as long as she was alive. And maybe even in the afterlife.

“I am, sometimes, you know. Scared, I mean. I am worried ‘cause I’m scared, Michael.”

“I know.” He sighed. “You afraid we ain’t gonna make it?”

She shrugged, but didn’t leave the warm refuge of his arms.

“Only sometimes.”

“I think you’re also worried about what’s going on outside. I mean, it’s easy to manage everything as long as we don’t get to face the rest of the world. But we can’t keep pretending it’s not there.”

“I am not worried about that. I never, ever cared about what the press says about me… I don’t like it when they attack you, but when you and I are solid, I know I can protect you somehow.”

She felt him stiffen.

“I don’t need no-”

“Yes, you do. And so do I. Everybody needs protection at one time or another. And it’s OK, Michael. I hope you realize that it’s OK to be vulnerable sometimes.”

He just stayed quiet. He was sensitive to a fault, but vulnerable? Deep inside, yes, he was. But the tough rhinoceros skin he had built for himself didn’t allow any of that fragility to shine through. To be put on display. It was his weakness, and it was his strength.

“Lise… What are we?” He cleared his throat and shifted on his feet, his boots making the gravel creak. “I mean, if I am gon’ allow myself to be defenseless, I need to know what we are.”

There it was! He needed a definition. Well, at least he was being outspoken. Right now, she would have gladly avoided the question, but a part of her was relieved his doubts were out in the open.

“We are… two people back in a committed relationship.” Her eyes glanced down at the ring on her finger. It meant to her more than she would ever be able to admit and, right then and there, she realized her own words had backfired on her: she had told Michael that it was OK to be vulnerable sometimes, but she was unable to lead the way and show him how to do it. To practice what she preached. Her guard, albeit weaker and weaker, was still up.

He seemed to ponder over the definition.

“A committed relationship, huh? Fair enough… Get ready, then. One day I’ll ask you to marry me again, and you’ll say yes.”

She chuckled, lowly, shaking her head.

“You’re delusional. And arrogant.”

He pulled her closer, making sure her body was fully shackled to his own. “I’m not. I’m being very honest.”

“What, making me fall in love with you again isn’t enough? Why you always gotta be so competitive?”

“It’s not about competition…” His words trailed off, and they just stayed like that for some more minutes.

In her heart, Lisa knew that he could even be right, although at the moment the farthest thing from her mind was marriage. Him saying it out loud scared the living shit out of her. Hell, the mere idea made her tremble inside, and not in a good way. Which was weird. She had always loved the idea of marriage, of a family, and Michael had too, at least theoretically. But she still remembered his words, during one of their most brutal fights, right before the divorce. He had told her that maybe he was not marrying material after all. She had just looked at him, speechless. The implicit violence of his statement piercing a hole in her heart. And now… well, now she wondered if the wound was still open and gaping. Because she too had changed, and their roles had been apparently reversed. He looked like he was after a stable, traditional relationship while she just needed to live day by day. And not get too close to the fire.

As they walked back to the mansion, hand in hand, quietly, Lisa glanced at him, unseen. Michael was back to his pensive, silent mode. Once again, he was not in a bad mood, but looked tired, as if he was folded over himself, oblivious of everything surrounding him.

She squinted her eyes. Her own fears, the pregnancy, the new direction their lives were taking, sometimes were like a fog machine, and she too was blind to anything else. Sometimes, she simply could not find a way out. And right now, the sudden slice of light hit her. She needed him, yes. But Michael needed her too. In her mind, she complained a lot about being afraid of finding herself ground up by the circus that his life was, but so far what had she done, apart from trying to resist him? Apart from conceding only a part of who she was, out of self-preservation? Out of fear? She, too, needed to step up. She, too, needed to be an active participant in what they were trying to build. No reason to complain about being dragged along, if she only offered him half-assed answers and passive resistance.

“Mike…”

“Uh-uhm.” He looked up at her, eyes narrowed, when she stopped on the pathway and tugged at his hand.

“I think I’m ready.”

“Ready for what?”

This time she turned her body fully, and stepped closer into him. Resting her hands on his chest. She indeed was not ready for any significant leap forward, but stalling wouldn’t do either. Not anymore. The fierce woman who used to bulldoze her way through everything and everyone to speak her mind had become gun-shy and scared of making the wrong move, therefore turning into someone who didn’t dare make a move at all.

“I was just thinking… Remember those baby clothes our entourages got for us?”

“Yeah…” His face started to relax. His arms came around her waist.

“They suck.”

Michael grinned.

“You’re right, they do.”

Lisa reached up, caressing his face. Taking a deep breath.

“I’d like to get out. And choose toys and bodysuits and pramsuits personally…”

“And cute t-shirts and pull-on pants and spiffy jammies…”

“Well, those are your responsibility. Since you’re such an expert and all….”

He looked delighted. Bending his head, he kissed her gently on the lips. The mere contact spread tongues of fire in Lisa’s chest. Graceland or not, everything in her called for him. She needed all that he was, and all he had to give. She needed to feel him close in every sense of the word. And she wanted him to know that she was his, too.

“And socks. Lots and lots of cute little socks.”

They spoke in between gentle pecks.

“And soft, warm hats…”

“A little preparation goes a long way…”

“Preparation? Michael, this baby’s gonna be born in less than five weeks… we’re late!”

It was an obvious statement. He knew very well when Lisa was due. And yet her words produced great joy. He smiled from ear to ear.

“Then we gotta hurry up!”

“And finally face the world. And if they don’t get us, fuck them…”

He rolled his eyes at her language and then kissed her again, thoroughly, holding her in his arms.

“I’m gonna get the driver ready right now.”

“Yeah. You do that, baby.”