Contingent – Chapter 20 | Stalemate

Chapter 20 | Stalemate

hesitation (n.)

c. 1400, from Old French hesitacion or directly from Latin haesitationem (nominative haesitatio) “a hesitation, stammering,” figuratively “irresolution, uncertainty,” noun of action from past participle stem of haesitare “stick fast, remain fixed; stammer in speech,” figuratively “hesitate, be irresolute, be at a loss, be undecided,” frequentative of haerere (past participle haesus, first person perfect indicative haesi) “to adhere, stick, cling.”

This is said by Watkins to be from PIE root *ghais- “to adhere, hesitate” (source also of Lithuanian gaišti “to delay, tarry, be slow”), but some linguists reject the proposed connection; de Vaan offers no etymology.

Michael gently floated in that dreamy state that always accompanied that extraordinary time between his rare good slumbers and the moment of his awakening. In the soft, fluffy texture of his drowsy state, his eyes still closed and his body utterly relaxed, his mind started to wander.

He was an imaginative man, and when ideas, concepts or memories started to form behind his closed eyelids, they would always feel very much real. This time, it wasn’t any different. He almost felt the touch of Lisa’s hands on his body. Her warm fingers were slowly slipping underneath his t-shirt, stroking his stomach, then moving over to his chest, caressing. Finally he felt her lips, hot even through the fabric, her breath against his shoulder as she kissed and kissed him. His eyes still closed, Michael smiled.

Just amazing. What a perfect dream.

Sometimes he really didn’t need much to find comfort and solace. His mind was a powerful tool, able to act as a magnificent placebo when things could not go the way he wanted to, for one reason or another. The bubble got thicker and he sank into it with his arms wide open. Why not? Nothing was more liberating and exhilarating than this. Except for the real thing. But that… well, that couldn’t happen right now.

Lisa’s hand slowly traced the elastic band of his pajama pants and then crawled underneath the fabric, her fingers hot against his skin. He hated wearing underwear under his jammies. Once again, just perfect. Her caress was lazy and languid, and his imaginative bubble expanded some more, filling with colors. Her other hand pulled up the sleeve of his t-shirt a little bit, so that her lips could reach his skin without any interference. He had to admit that this dream felt about as good as the real thing. In fact, it felt… pretty much real.

Michael’s eyes opened and he found Lisa staring at him intensely, her face relaxed and still a bit sleepy, her long hair tousled. He blinked.

“Hey…” His voice was sluggish.

She leaned her face in the palm of her hand and smiled.

“Hey yourself. Good morning…”

“What are you doing?” In a reflexive reaction, his gaze fell on her other hand, still gently caressing him underneath the sheets. His brain still had troubles focusing, but another part of him was waking up just fine.

“What am I doing? Thanking you for getting up twice last night… again… taking care of the babies… again… and then coming back to bed and cuddling with me… again…”

He smiled, and everything went back into focus. Oh, right. He had not been imagining things. She had been touching and kissing him and being all soft and pliant with him for real. And yes, he had indeed gotten up the previous night. Not twice, actually, but three times. Only, the first time Lisa had been so out of it that she hadn’t even noticed. Poor girl, she was so tired.

She and Paris had come home from the hospital about three weeks earlier, and he had brought Prince to Hidden Hills, too, that very same day, after some hesitation. In fact, he had waited for Lisa to ask him again, too afraid he would break their fragile balance if he rushed into something she maybe was not so ready for.

“Michael?”

“Yes, baby…” He kept his back turned to her and poured himself some water. They had just put Paris in her crib, upstairs, and the doula was there with her. Just in case, although Doctor Mcfadden had told them that the baby was fine and healthy. Ready to start a completely normal life.

“Why don’t you go back to Hayvenhurst?”

Michael grinned, placing the pitcher back on the kitchen counter. His heart racing, his mind telling him to lay low, because maybe he was interpreting Lisa’s words the wrong way. Just like many times before.

“What, you tired of me already…”

He heard her low laugh.

“Ah, Mike… You’re not that lucky. No, I mean… Why don’t you go back to Hayvenhurst, so you can take Prince and bring him here?”

He swallowed and took a sip of water, his eyes staring absently into space. His voice sounded calm. His stomach was flipping.

“Here?”

“Yes, here… Home. With us.”

Slowly, he turned and leaned his back against the counter. Holding onto it for good measure. He watched Lisa intently.

“You sure? So soon?”

“Don’t you want to?” Her eyes narrowed. Wait – was that doubt? Was she doubting he wanted her to meet his baby boy? Was she doubting he wanted anything else but bring Prince to Hidden Hills, where he needed to be? With the people Michael wanted him to be with?

Quietly, he walked around the kitchen island and looked down at Lisa, who was still sitting on one of the stools. Her blue-green eyes followed him, and that glimpse of hesitance, doubt, was still there. As a couple, they were definitely making progress, but they hadn’t reached the perfect level of trust yet. He could tell. And that deadlock seemed to apply to both of them. But they could not allow this chess game to end with a stalemate. Not this time. Not anymore.

Almost tentatively, his hand came up and brushed her hair back, so that he could see her face entirely.

“I do. You got no idea how much I want this. In fact…” As a matter of fact, Michael didn’t think she had any idea how much he wanted things to have gone differently, in a way, despite the outcome being so magnificent and amazingly beautiful. But he didn’t say anything, and just took a deep breath instead.

Lisa captured his hand and kissed the back of it.

“Then bring him home.”

What a magical day, indeed. Followed by many, many more just as unforgettable moments in such a short time. Their little microcosm was so perfect that only rarely Michael had left the comforting confines of their property. Albeit a bit late on his schedule, he had been able to shoot his new video for Blood On The Dance Floor, but other than that, he had only sent out a few representatives to take care of anything else involving public appearances.

It had not been a natural process, especially in the beginning: he was not used to delegating tasks to other people, and craved control on any single aspect of his life. But after a while, letting a few skilled people manage things that didn’t necessarily require his presence had become easier and easier. It was all about selecting the most trustworthy friends of employees for the task, and in that sense, Lynsey had been extremely useful. Michael admired her candid way to face her job and her extreme transparency. Wary of his previous, bitter experiences, he had conducted a thorough investigation about Lynsey Fuoco before hiring her and the result had been outstanding: her reputation was spotless. She had never been at the center of any controversy and, more than anything else, she was famous for her correctness and loyalty to her clients.

The ability of finally relinquishing a measured slice of control to someone else had given Michael the chance to experience a luxury he had never tasted before: committing fully to his private life, no ifs, no buts. A private life that, by the way, now involved two babies who had basically come into the world at the same time, and a woman who owned his heart more than she ever had before. A woman with whom he still needed to build a long-term future.

Real life was not a fairytale: the concept of “happily ever after” didn’t really exist. And indeed, it didn’t start with the birth of a baby… or two. It was hard daily work, it needed time, commitment and absolute passion. Interpreting everything from a perspective that was now completely different, and entirely new, Michael wondered if he really had given it his all to his marriage, the first time around. He had always thought he did, but as of late he had started to harbor some doubts about some of his previous actions and behaviors. And he was well aware that Lisa had been going through the same conundrum.

Now, as her hand in his pants banished every other thought from his mind, Michael focused on the only thing that was left. This was the very first time that they were intimate in a way that involved something more than snuggling tenderly, gently kissing and falling asleep together, after one of their exhausting and emotionally fulfilling days as parents of two newborns. Plus two other kids.

“Baby…” He intended to stop her movement, and yet his hands did not move. “You know we can’t. Not yet. We have to wait another… couple of weeks or something…”

“That’s not true. I am the one who’s gotta wait another three weeks because I had a freakin’ episiotomy and a blood disorder. But you can, love…”

“Yes, but…”

Lisa scooted closer and silenced him with a kiss. Gosh… she tasted so good. She smelled amazing. And her touch felt just… so right.

With extreme difficulty, Michael clung to the last bit of sanity left and broke the kiss.

“But I wanna… Lise, I think this should be pleasurable for you too…”

Her hand, still buried in his pants, turned the caress into a soft grip.

“And you think this isn’t? You got no idea how arousing it is to touch you, for me… to feel you… like this… like you want this. Like you want me…”

He closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed hard. Hard being the keyword at the moment. Did he want her? Did he want this? Oh hell, yeah. She took advantage of his suddenly dropping guard and started kissing his neck, his jawline. Slow, open-mouthed kisses. All the while, she whispered in his ear.

“Baby… You’re such a perfect daddy. And the perfect partner… So generous… So considerate. Let me show you how grateful I am. Especially because… Mike… You know it…” Her mouth reached him again and slanted over his. Immediately, his tongue sought entrance. A man could only do so much to resist. “You know that you’ll have to leave soon…”

Right. He had to start working actively – and steadily – for the last leg of his tour, which was scheduled to resume in a bunch of weeks. He didn’t like touring when the conditions were different. Now it was even worse than usual. Especially because he had been lazy since January, which meant that he needed to leave sooner than initially planned. His heart sank a bit.

“And how can you be at your best if you’re all…” More kisses on his neck. “…Frustrated… and starved… and riled up…”

That was a good question. Having Lisa so close and not being able to love her the way he wanted was pure torture. He had always desired her to the point of insanity, but now… his attraction, the sexual pull, was way over the roof. And they hadn’t really been intimate in about a month. A very long time, for their standards. And so, when she pushed him back gently, he let her, trying to relax under her gentle touches and kisses. In fact, he just sank back onto the mattress, his breathing already slightly affected, and he let her take the wheel.

“Or the gearshift…”

Lisa looked up at him. “What, baby?”

“Nothing…” Barely a whisper. Then he cleared his throat. “You can, ah… resume your… activities…”

She smiled against his skin, which was quickly covering with goosebumps. She pulled up his t-shirt, finding more of him, her lips trailing all over his chest, her tongue tracing his muscles. He wanted so much to touch her, but had no idea of what he should do or what she wanted him to do. All in all, she was still recovering and he knew she had been quite sick. He didn’t want to hurt her.

Eventually, his hands started caressing her hair, then traveled down her shoulders and back. She slowly pushed his pants down, needing more space to touch him the way she wanted. The way he needed. Her lips on his sides, on his lower abdomen, felt heavenly.

“Mike… I love you so damn much. I didn’t think it was even possible…” She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “I want you to watch me, baby…”

And he truly, truly wanted to watch her. He knew she loved going down on him, just like he loved doing the same to her, but right now he needed her to have something in return. Anything. Therefore, just as she bent over and got ready to deliver all the pleasure in the world using those sinful lips of hers, he gently stopped her.

“No… come here… I wanna kiss you…”

One look was enough for her to understand his intentions, and she smiled again, scooting up, wearing nothing but her panties and one of his white shirt – something she loved doing every now and then – half-unbuttoned and partly revealing her beautiful breasts. Michael smiled back at her and she lay down half on top of him as his hands cradled her head, and his lips finally found hers. They kissed, taking all the time in the world just to make love to one another with their mouths, and all the while her hand kept moving on him. And how was it even possible that just a glance at what she was doing was almost enough to send him into orbit? His eyes moved from her hand to her eyes. Those blue pools were glazed over as she stared at him in between kisses, her breath as uneven as his was. He noticed that she had positioned herself so that his leg was in between hers, in direct contact with her hot center.

God… His fingertips itched, and he reached down, first caressing her back, then landing over her perfectly round ass, feeling her slow, gentle movements against his thigh.

As the heat of their kisses intensified further, she reached down with her other hand, holding him at the base of his shaft. His vision started to blur as her caress became even more daring and purposeful, and she stroked him applying increasing pressure. Everything was quickly contributing to his demise. Her eyes fixed into his, the gentle twisting of her hand and wrist just at the right time, with the right mixture of tenderness and roughness, the movement of her hips against his leg. It was incredible how, after everything they had done together, for so many years, a simple hand-job was managing to push him over the edge in no time.

“I got you, babe… Let go… I feel you… And… Oh damn… I think I’m gonna come…”

Michael closed his fist into her hair and they kissed, roughly, both panting now.

“That’s it, girl… Oh yeah… Oh, fuck…”

A flick of her thumb and his whole body started to tense. The motions of her hips against his leg quickened, her grip on his penis did too. Lisa kissed him one last time and then started to climax, undulating against his body. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something. How beautiful she was to him. How much he loved her. But he was unable to emit any sound except for a low growl as he, too, followed her into complete and utter ecstasy.

Finally, her motions on him slowed down and turned into gentle, loving caresses until he was utterly spent. He held her close, wanting so much for his tour to be over, wanting nothing much than being home, composing new music inspired by the new life he was starting to build for himself, surrounded by the people he wanted and needed. He kissed her until they both had to catch a breath.

“Lise… God. Did you just dry-hump me? I love you so much, baby…”

She laughed. “Yes sir. I love you too… And I’m going to miss you… You know that, right…”

Later that evening, Michael found Lisa in the babies’ room. It was the very first night they were spending alone with Paris and Prince, and he had just wished goodnight to Martha, their doula, and Gwendolyn, the nurse he had hired in New York after Prince’s birth and who was now taking care of both kids. The two women were a great support, not only for the babies, but also for Michael and Lisa, and he was quite proud of himself: the doula had been his idea. The stroke of genius had hit him about a week after Lisa had finally come back home with their baby girl.

He had noticed that she was struggling. She was much better, but her body had been fighting to recover because of the side effects of her treatment for her blood disorder – which had no real cure, but could at least be controlled – and the physical and emotional fatigue that was so normal after giving birth to a baby.

Back then, almost one month earlier, Lisa had been in moderate but constant pain and was still doing her best to control the barrage of emotions that had swept her away while she was still at the hospital. However, she had expressed the desire of resuming a normal routine as soon as she had stepped into Hidden Hills, and Michael had thought that she – well, he too – needed some help in this wonderful, and yet very challenging moment of their lives. They could benefit from any help coming their way, really.

And he had found Martha.

Martha was a fifty-year-old woman who had been a doula for over twenty years. Although Lisa already had two kids and was very trained in the parental department, the new lady had soon become an integral part of their support team, providing emotional and physical assistance to Lisa and allowing her to recover more quickly. In the process, she also helped Michael, who was still overwhelmed by how much his life had been turned upside down so wonderfully. And scarily.

Considering that he had been almost utterly negligent for a couple of months, in terms of exercising, he had been forced to resume rehearsals way earlier than initially expected. Although he was due in Europe at the beginning of April, to sort out some business matters that needed his special attention, he also planned to fly back to Los Angeles for a little while before going to Ohio and finally leaving for Germany once again. The European leg of his tour would kick off in Bremen, at the end of May. Meanwhile, he had started practicing again in Los Angeles.

He had been doing his best to come back home to his family every night, but even when he had been unable to, he had found complete support in Lisa. In all honesty, she had always understood that part of his job, even when they were married. Their problems had not come from there. However, despite feeling utterly relieved, Michael longed to be home with her and the babies. Those days and nights when he merely couldn’t, would soon increase even more. And that was why Martha was there.

Martha would take care of the babies while Lisa showered, slept or simply wanted to take a walk on her own or just spend some time with Riley and Ben. She helped with food preparations and conveniently enough, she was also an excellent cranial-sacral therapist. That specific talent had come in handy for Lisa and, a couple of nights when his back wouldn’t give him any slack, it had been useful to Michael as well. But more than anything else, Martha was one of the people who would always be there whenever Lisa felt disconnected and isolated, anxious or worried, or just lonely. She was objective but compassionate, and she was experienced enough to evaluate a number of profound and valid emotional shifts that were typical of such a critical transitional period. Finally, Michael loved how unaffected Martha was by his fame. The more he surrounded himself with people who did not care who his public persona was, the more comfortable he felt.

During the final months of his marriage to Lisa, he had been miffed at her flat-out refusal to have a baby. She had told him that their relationship was way too rocky, and that him being about to tour the world for two years was not going to make it any better for sure. He had scoffed at her, accusing her of making up excuses for what he interpreted as a broken promise. She had told him that they were not going to get anything fixed until they ceased their tug-of-war and started pulling in the same direction. He had said to her that a baby would help them rebuild their trust. She had disagreed, telling him that her experience with Danny had taught her the exact opposite. He had asked her if she was comparing him to Danny, and she had pointed out how quick he was at zeroing in on one specific detail in their conversation and ignore the rest. That had been the beginning of another serious fight… as usual.

Now, as he leaned against the door frame, hands in his pockets, and watched Lisa as she held both babies in her arms while gently humming to them, he intensely desired that time and space would freeze right then and there. At that very moment. So that he could replay it forever in his mind and his heart. All the while realizing that they both had been right and wrong at the same time, back then. But that ultimately, yes, things had changed the moment they had started to pull the rope together, in the same direction. Two halves of the same unit. Like they once had been, in another lifetime.

She was sitting in the rocking chair, and he didn’t think she had noticed he was there. Which was fine with him. He didn’t want her to see how affected and emotional he got whenever he caught a glimpse of what they had almost lost. Of what they had not completely found again, yet.

Almost automatically, his mind traveled back to the day he had brought Prince home. When he had entered Hidden Hills, Lisa was not there. He had found a sticky note on the fridge, though.

“Taking Ri and Ben at Danny’s for a few hours so we can have some privacy with the babies.
Be right back.
Prince’s crib is ready.
I love you,
L.

PS: I fucking love you!”

He had smiled. She was such a foul-mouthed woman! And he loved her more than life. Taking the sticky note, folding it and putting it into his pocket, Michael had glanced down at Prince.

“Ready to meet the beautiful lady who hopefully you’ll end up calling mom, little man?”

“Hey…” She sounded as if she had hurried back. “I heard your car. Sorry, I wish…”

“Shh…” Michael put his finger on his lips, then blinked at her. “He had a bit of a fit and just stopped crying. Paris is asleep.”

“Where’s the nurse?” Lisa’s voice turned into a whisper as she stepped into the nursery.

“Out, making a phone call. But don’t worry. Everything’s fine now…” Except for his heart, which threatened to explode. He was pretty proud of himself, though. He felt as if he was about to pass out, but managed to look so calm and collected. On the other hand, Lisa seemed hesitant. She stood in between the door and Prince’s crib, insecure about what to do. Out of the corner of his eye, Michael watched her closing her hands in fists, then releasing them again. Oh, she was nervous alright.

He held out his hand, and after a last moment of hesitance, Lisa took it and stepped closer to the crib. Swallowing, she looked down and her eyes met Prince’s, who now seemed very much at peace. Michael distinctly felt Lisa’s body shiver for a moment, but not in rejection. It was nothing but pure, undiluted emotion. And maybe, if he dared to hope, relief too.

She glanced up at Michael for a second, her eyes shiny, then Prince made a small sound and caught her attention again.

“Oh… Hi, baby boy. You are so gorgeous…” Her hand reached down, resting gently on Prince’s belly. Another small sound, then his tiny fingers tried to grab Lisa’s wrist. She moved her hand and he immediately clung to her finger, holding onto it. Struggling very hard to keep control over his own emotions, Michael felt Lisa’s stifled sob, but didn’t move. He couldn’t. And he didn’t want to. This moment right there was theirs.

“You are such a beautiful baby…” Her voice soothing, comforting, just like Michael had imagined it to be. Then she turned to him again. “Can I pick him up?”

He just nodded his head. She was such a natural with children.

Prince let her touch him and hold him without the slightest fuss. He seemed entranced by her eyes. Michael could relate…

The moment she kissed the baby’s forehead and whispered to him that he was home, Michael excused himself and stepped out for the room for a moment, too overwhelmed to stay.

He had been mistrustful, once. And now that mistrust was no longer part of him. Whatever uncertainty Michael once had about Lisa and her ability to accept Prince as part of their family had simply withered and died in the past three weeks. He and Lisa had never really talked about how she felt about the baby, but it was apparent that she and Prince had bonded right away.

What was sure, was that Lisa treated him exactly like she treated Paris. As if they were twins, brother and sister, offspring of the same parents. Neither of the two came first – they were equals. Lisa’s quiet, serene acceptance of the whole thing was still mindblowing to Michael somehow. Sure, before Prince was born, he had simply thought that it would be easy for anyone to accept a new baby, no matter where he came from, but the more his relationship with Lisa became intimate again, and the more the moment of Prince’s birth approached, he had started to realize that he had been compartmentalizing again. His woman, his baby. For quite some time, they had been two separate entities, never really in touch with one another. Then, just like hues mixed and blurred on watercolors, it had occurred to him that he needed those parts of his life to become part of the same work of art, to blend as smoothly as possible. To become one.

That was happiness. Happiness was harmony, integration, communion. Building walls meant protecting himself somehow, but also keeping so much outside. This had to be different.

But it wasn’t entirely up to him, and he knew it. That would be Lisa’s choice, in the end. And she had made it, without him really saying anything, and just because she was who she was. She was an imperfect human being for sure, just like him, just like anyone, but she was so beautiful and flawless to Michael. What was happening now, before his eyes, was a miracle.

What would have happened, if things had gone differently? If whatever had brought him and Lisa to that point had been handled poorly by either one of them? If she had refused to accept his baby? If he had not allowed himself to commit to her again, to have faith again? He would probably be a single dad now. Not a dissatisfying condition for sure, not at all, but also a dangerous one. Michael felt as if he had somehow dodged a potentially lethal bullet in the long run. In fact, he thought Lisa had too. And he wasn’t trying to be arrogant – just honest to himself and to the connection they shared. Why deny it? Why run from it? Why fight it, instead of fighting for it?

“They asleep yet?”

Lisa looked up at him and smiled. Their voices calm, almost whispering.

“Yes… Paris is out. Prince… well… We’re still working on it.” She leaned over and placed her lips on the baby’s head, lingering there. Michael kept staring at her, a mixture of longing and love taking possession of his soul. When she closed her eyes, he blinked and took a breath, finally entering the room.

“Want me to take care of him?”

“No, we got this… Right, baby boy? We don’t need daddy right now. But you can tuck our little lady in, if you want…”

As she spoke, he crouched down near the rocking chair, placing one hand over Paris’ head. His other arm came around Lisa’s shoulders. She was right. Paris was sleeping soundly. In her mother’s arms she felt safe and secure. How could it be any different? And Prince… well, he too was about to fall asleep, and Michael could tell his eyelids were getting heavier by the second. However, he still seemed entranced by Lisa’s face. And she stared back at him, her features serene, relaxed, reflecting complete peace.

Within just a month, both babies had gone through such a range of development it was almost unbelievable. By now they cooed, gurgled, grunted and hummed to express a variety of different feelings that both Lisa and Michael had become very good at deciphering. Their hearing had developed as well, and they would now turn their head toward any source of sound peeking their interest. Often, Michael would play soft music in their room and loved to see how differently they reacted to distinct genres. An early indicator of their future music tastes, perhaps…

Although their vision was still pretty fuzzy, Paris and Prince could now focus a bit better. Right now, Michael could tell that Lisa’s close proximity made Prince very happy. He loved her. Just like he loved his daddy.

Michael kissed Lisa’s temple and took Paris from her arms.

“Come here, baby… Come to daddy…”

The baby made a sound, clung to her father’s finger, but didn’t wake up. Holding her and kissing her forehead, he slowly walked over to her crib and placed her there, paying attention that no loose blankets, pillows, toys or bottles had been forgotten in that small place. He heard Lisa softly whispering something to Prince, then humming a song to him for a minute or two, as he took his time to just stare at his beautiful baby girl. He loved this quiet, intimate moments, when they were nothing but parents, and nothing but a couple.

Eventually, he just watched as Lisa got up from the rocking chair and placed Prince in his crib, as well. Looking up at Michael, Lisa tried to scan his face, then scrunched her eyebrows, a grin spreading over her lips. She was probably trying to guess what was going on into his mind.

If only he had an answer. His thoughts and feelings were an intricate skein, and not even he was able to disentangle them fully.

They left the room together, but when Lisa started walking over to the staircase, Michael gently clasped her hand. She turned, once again trying to decipher him.

“What?”

“Come with me?”

“Where?” This time her smile could now be suppressed.

“Bedroom… Come on…”

He tugged at her hand, gently, but she didn’t move.

“What’s going on, Mike?”

“Nothing. Am I not allowed to spend time with you?”

With my wife.

No, man. She’s not. You guys blew it.

She still looked hesitant, and his mind trailed back to their cuddly moment earlier that morning. He had noticed that not only she had not allowed him to touch her, but also that she had not taken off her clothes at all. He remembered only one previous occasion when she had acted like that: after Ben’s birth, when what had once been a casual relationship between two sorta-kinda friends – sometimes with benefits – had turned into a serious love story. Back then, Lisa had not felt comfortable with her own body, stating that she needed to get back into shape, first. She had no idea how sexy and attractive she was to him. And now… well, now it looked like she was going through pretty much the same nonsense. No way Michael was going to allow that.

“Yes, but… why the bedroom? It’s early, we haven’t even…”

“Why you gotta be difficult, Lise? Can’t you just trust me?”

The two magical, dangerous words. Trust me. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. Finally, she nodded her head.

“OK…” As he smiled again and started guiding her toward their bedroom, he heard her mumble something behind his back. “Don’t make me regret this, OK? No games. No weird surprises, Michael…”

What, did she think he was going to pull some practical prank on her? Well, not a bad idea either. Only, not now. He giggled.

“Silly. You won’t regret it, I promise.”

He aimed at making her understand how special all of this was to him. How he didn’t want to lose any more moment they could spend together. And even more, he needed her to understand that he didn’t want her any less, now that she finally had given birth to their baby. Physically or emotionally. In fact…

“Baby… What is this? Oh my God… Are you fucking serious?”

“Totally serious.” Oh, she had no idea how serious he was. To the point that he had been planning this for hours, and had asked the staff to leave. Being Friday night, not even Riley and Ben were home – they were spending the weekend at their dad’s. Which was something Michael usually wasn’t so fond of, but that happened to be just perfect right now. He needed time – and he needed Lisa. Time for her.

The warm light of the candles illuminated the room. Soft music played in the background. The scent of incense permeated the air, and one single red rose had been placed on Lisa’s pillow. She just looked around, surprised, then turned and looked at him with her glossy, luminous eyes.

“But…”

“But, what?” Michael chuckled, then rested his hands on her waist and pulled her close, kissing her gently on the lips. He loved how she immediately wrapped her arms around his neck, playing with his hair.

“Why?”

“Because I love you. Because I want you… I need you. And I wanna show you…” His hands traveled up on both sides of her torso, caressed her arms, rested on her shoulders as his eyes pierced her there. “…I want to show you what you meant to me. How happy I am to be here with you. How proud. How in love I am with you… and how much I desire you.”

He saw her swallow. She bit her lip and tried to step back.

“Mike… I don’t think this is the right time.”

“Yes. Yes, it is.” He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, then traced her jawline. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know we can’t make love yet. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t know how I feel for you…”

She scoffed. “Oh, but I felt it, this morning. Big and clear.”

“Yeah, I know you did…” He too giggled. “But that wasn’t enough… And that’s not what I meant. You know that too.”

Her smile disappeared, slowly. She lowered her gaze, then looked up at him again, as bravely as she could. It wasn’t just about something physical, and Michael knew it. This, too, was part of the process they had been going through to rebuild what they had lost, what they had so carelessly thrown away. He needed to wipe from her memory any residual idea that he only wanted her kids, and that she was some sort of trophy conquest to him. Or even worse, a piece of furniture. Whatever emotional infection was left of what had once poisoned them had to go. However, he had to be cautious how he proceeded.

“Now… be a good girl and lie down, Lisa…” He took her hand and led her to the bed. “I want this to be special.”

“Michael…”

“Lie down.” His tone was soft, but the deep, sizzling voice didn’t go unnoticed and when Lisa glanced up at him again, her eyes were heating up. A perfect mixture between sudden shyness and lust. And uncertainty. She was not comfortable with her own body right now, and he was not going to push her. But backing off wouldn’t do either. He was ready to be stopped when necessary, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t go ahead as long as she allowed him to.

Lisa complied, without saying a word. He just observed her as she lay on her back. For a moment, she didn’t know what to do with her hands. Then she stretched her arms up slightly, hiding her hands under the pillows. She stared at him and swallowed.

“Are you nervous, baby girl?” Once again, that soft, velvety voice.

She nodded, ever so slightly. “Just a little bit.”

“Good… Just what I thought.” He cocked his head. “I’m going to take care of you.”

Like I should have done all along. Like we both should have.