Arcana | 14 – The Nameless Arcanum

Arcanum 14 – The Nameless Arcanum

This card requires great delicacy of interpretation. Negative predictions are toxic and useless: it is not necessary to read death, mutilation, or illness in this card. Some reading subjects become terrified from simply seeing this card in a spread. What’s called for here is to discover with them what major transformation it evokes, what changes are desired or already at work, and perhaps what threats it may permit them to avoid. It can sometimes involve a mourning to be performed, also sometimes great internalized anger that needs to be expressed. Then again, Arcanum XIII sometimes evokes an unconscious aggressiveness or the need to manifest an energy that the consultant does not know how to express positively. It is good in this case to see if the energy of The Fool (same direction, same movement, but less-negative connotations) would not be more appropriate. However, when a revolution is what’s called for, Arcanum XIII brings it with radical rapidity, which can inspire a great relief.

Los Angeles, One Week Later

“Michael… I really don’t know what else to say. From a medical point of view, you’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your throat recovered perfectly, your ECG is good, your blood test is normal…”

“How is that even possible? I don’t feel good at all…”

Sinking back into the chair, Michael looked pitiful. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

“I know. I can tell.” Doctor Russo, still leaning against his desk, watched him with sympathetic eyes. “But like I said-”

“Yes, from a medical point of view, everything is fine. I get that. But I need to know what’s wrong with me, doctor. I am supposed to leave for Japan in a week or so and I must be on top form. I cannot cancel any more shows.”

“OK, look…” Exhaling a deep breath, Doctor Russo took off his glasses and put them in the small pocket of his gown. “Tell me again exactly how you feel.”

“Well, like I said, I cannot sleep well. Which is normal, I know. But what’s not normal is that I wake up in the middle of the night feeling as if my heart is gonna explode. I’m bathed in sweat and my whole body is tense, my muscles hurt… and my stomach feels funny. I can barely eat.”

The physician just nodded his head, slowly.

“Insomnia is pretty standard for you, sadly. But your lupus isn’t flaring up right now, even though you do have some symptoms. Which makes me think about… likely you’re experiencing some sort of psychosomatic illness. You’re very stressed out, Michael, with the tour and all that.”

Yeah, Doctor Russo was right, but it wasn’t just about that and Michael knew. The tour was all-consuming, but he had been on hiatus for over a week now and, theoretically, he had all the time in the world to rest. Too bad that he couldn’t. He felt antsy and restless, erratic around the clock. If the fever and the exhaustion that had forced him to postpone some of his shows had somehow prompted him to take it easy for a while, the moment they had disappeared they had been replaced by something else. Something even worse, because Michael could not comprehend it. And hence he would not get better.

“You mean it’s all in my head?”

“No, not at all. It’s very real. The symptoms you have – they are absolutely real. But instead of taking medications to make the result of the stress go away, maybe we should try to find out the source of your discomfort. I mean, other than the stress caused by being on tour, is there anything else that might have provoked this? A major loss, a big life change, a trauma of some sort… something like that?”

Michael shook his head, staring into space.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. Everything is under control.”

Something bit the pit of his stomach, and he felt the umpteenth wave of nausea trying to knock him off his feet. No, this was not at all related to Lisa. Not in the slightest. He had been working so hard, in the past weeks, to accept that they were over. And in the past few days, after speaking to his mother, he had been working even harder to accept the fact that Lisa was going to get married before he could even blink. It was a done deal – he was powerless and he knew it.

Glancing up at the doctor, Michael noticed that the man was still staring at him.

“Are you sure? Think harder. Whatever comes to mind might help.”

“Well… I mean, I broke up with my girlfriend not too long ago. But it was never that serious.”

The moment he said the words, his heart once again started to race and he felt sweat trickling down his spine, wetting his shirt. His temples began to thump. Fucking hell! He was somatizing alright! And the more he tried to avoid the subject, the worse he felt!

Trying to downplay how sick he felt, Michael shook his head and sighed again, as he and Doctor Russo shared the spacious, aseptic studio in utter, uncomfortable silence.

“Michael… I’ve been your physician for a few years now. I know how you function and – Look, I’m not a psychologist or anything. But I do know for a fact that you don’t need this… Not in general, and especially not right now. Whatever it is that is upsetting you, is having negative effects in your mind and your body.”

“Is there anything you can do about the symptoms, at least?”

Doctor Russo shrugged, peeling himself off from the desk and walking around it, sitting in his chair. He kept staring at Michael for a while.

“Sure. I can try. But as long as you refuse to dig deeper into the cause, it likely won’t go away.” He intertwined his fingers and rested his chin on his clasped hands. “Imagine that your body is a pressure cooker. If it can vent its steam, it works well. But if it can’t… the pressure continues to build until the lid blows off. This means that if you’re unable to let go of your emotions and keep them all in, at one point you’re gonna reach an emotional breaking point.”

“You don’t get it, doc. I cannot do this right now. I can’t allow myself to lose focus.”

“What focus?” Doctor Russo snorted. “The first thing you said the moment we shook hands, earlier, was that you can’t concentrate.”

Michael scoffed, then rose from the chair.

“Please, just give me something to feel calmer. To rest better, ‘kay? I gotta keep going, I can’t stop right now. In a month from now, I promise I’ll try to figure everything out the way you want me to. But until then, I gotta function. So help me out, Russo, will you?”

Pursing his lips, the physician extracted a pen from his pocket.

On his way over to his condo, miraculously, Michael fell asleep in the back seats of the car after taking a couple of pills of lorazepam. He hadn’t felt like waiting any longer because, as a matter of fact, he had not been able to rest for more than three or four hours in a row in the past few weeks. Which was absolutely not okay. Yes, he was young – but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t feel the aftereffects of prolonged insomnia.

The truth was that he felt like shit, and losing focus was only one of the issues that he had been experiencing. Usually, when Michael was on tour he was tired but very much in control of every aspect of his day. From rehearsals to public appearances, he would always know what to do, when, and how. While as of late, his staff had to remind him of his schedule. At thirty, it was an unbearable embarrassment for him.

Other than feeling uneasy and nervous, since Katherine had told him that Lisa would get married in only a bunch of days, Michael had started to feel dizzy on a regular basis. At times he felt just agitated and anxious, some other times just very low-energy and possibly a bit depressed.

And so when later that afternoon he took a couple of pills just to try to see what effect they would have, and then he lay down on the back seats dozing off like a baby, he was utterly unprepared to feel sleep and calmness wash over him so quickly.

But what he was even more unprepared for was the dream.

In his dream, he wasn’t anywhere and yet he was in all places. It was as if he could only observe everything from an external point of view. It was like being an invisible eye, an omniscient observer of everything that was going on. Knowing every detail without really being able to put his finger on it.

He floated to a place that he had never seen before, nor visited, but he knew for a fact that it was Lisa’s house. And Lisa was there, only she didn’t look like the girl he had met and known. It was definitely her, but… an older version of the same woman. As if years had passed. Decades, maybe.

And Lisa, his girl – who was guarded and scarred, yes, but still very much capable of being carefree and silly, and genuinely happy, hopeful about the future – had lost her spark. Something was amiss and Michael couldn’t really tell what it was, at first.

She was still the same person he remembered, but something had been taken away from her and Michael knew that whatever it was, she would never get it back.

From his external point of view, like a fly on the wall, he saw her moving across the living area – elegant and finely decorated – as if she was a ghost and as if she had nowhere to go. Her hair was longer and lighter and even though she was older, she still looked as beautiful as he knew she was. But the spark in her eyes, the spunk, the fierceness that had made him fall in love so easily… Those were gone.

And just like that, Michael knew that it was because he was no longer. What he could not tell was what had happened to him. What he did know, was that years had passed and that she felt more alone than she had ever imagined feeling. All alone.

All alone, we’re all alone, we’re all alone…

He heard her thoughts even though she was not speaking at all. Like a whispered mantra, and it hurt him deep inside to feel the pain she was enduring. The loss. The raw wound that would never stop bleeding.

Because he was no longer.

Michael watched Lisa sit on the couch and rest her head into her hands. Her eyes closed. Once again, he felt her thoughts. She wanted to sleep. Just to see him again, in her dreams. Touch him and hold him and tell him all the words that had remained choked in her throat.

She was still there, but was lost.

He woke up abruptly and noticed that he was sweating and that his heart was up in his throat, racing like mad. So much for sleeping like a baby! But at the same time, even though a part of him had felt so much grief over Lisa’s state in his dream, wanting nothing more than reach out and touch her, comfort her, tell her that he was there and was fine, another part of him was glad that he had been dragged out of that nightmare.

Michael swallowed hard. Yeah, a nightmare. But maybe not his. It felt more like Lisa’s nightmare… or a glimpse into a possible future. As if some card-reader had turned a tarot and told them: this is how it could end. Badly. Painfully.

“Mike… You OK?”

Bill’s voice was the last rope Michael needed to be dragged out of that state of suspension. The little death, that weird state where he was neither asleep nor awake and, while partly trapped into his dream, neither dead or alive.

“Yeah… I’m good. What happened?”

Focusing on Bill’s face, he noticed that the car had stopped and his head of security had turned, watching him carefully from the front seat.

“Nothing happened. You fell asleep. But we’re home.”

Home.

Raking his hand through his hair, Michael watched outside the window. It was dark and they were in front of his condo, at the Hideout.

Still staring at the building, he spoke without even thinking.

“Bill… I need you to find out where Lisa is. If she’s still in Memphis.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Bill’s mildly surprised expression. He seemed to ponder over his question.

“…When?”

“As soon as you can.” Michael blinked, peeling his eyes away from the outside world and focusing them on one of the very few people he trusted. “Please.”

Bill touched his hat, out of sheer habit.

“I’m on it. Now go home, Mike. I’ll hear from you later.”

What the hell was his problem? As his most rational, coldest part tried to berate him quietly, Michael took a long, cleansing shower and just stayed, perfectly immobile, under the water jet. His hands on the tiled wall, his head dropping forward.

OK, the clash of titans had to stop. Yes, he could indeed be his best ally when he needed to, but at times he was also his worst enemy. And maybe doctor Russo was right. Refusing to admit what the source of his emotional pain was, even to himself, was taking a toll on him more than he had been willing to accept so far.

That was why it had to end.

And maybe what had happened in the car – that dream, or perhaps just his imagination wandering, he was not sure – was the most profound part of him keeping him anchored to what really mattered. Keeping him focused and present.

Michael loved Lisa. And it killed him inside that the last conversation they had engaged in was a convenient quarrel over the phone. It had been low and cowardly, even though back then he knew that there was just no other way to do it. He was not sure he would have been able to deliver the same venom in person. The same lies, while staring into her eyes – as open and young as he remembered them to be. So different from the distant, remote gaze Lisa had displayed in his dream. As if only half of her was still alive, while everything else was just about surviving and going through the motions.

“What the hell was that…”

He murmured the words out loud and they got swallowed by the sound of the water hitting his skin.

You know what it was. What it is. It’s you trying to fix the shit you pulled.

Michael tilted his head back, his eyes closing while a curtain of warm water washed over his face.

You know it, brother. You know you don’t want that stupid fight to be the last conversation you’re gonna have with her. You deserve more. You both do.

True. But even more than that, he couldn’t stand the image of Lisa older, sadder, lonelier, the way he had seen her in his dream. Or daydream. And the realization first, and finally the acceptance, that his sickness was due to the intense emotional pain that his separation from Lisa has caused – he could barely tolerate either.

Finally stepping out of the shower, Michael put on his robe and walked back into his bedroom. The music coming from the record player was soothing, calming. It was Schubert’s Winterreise, a masterpiece that painted a journey of lonely melodies and desolate landscapes.

Why had he chosen a piece that made him feel like sobbing and crying like a baby? Michael shook his head but kept listening.

He had to see Lisa. Talk to her and apologize for having treated her in a way that was nothing like he felt inside. The ‘fuck you’ that she had delivered had been more than deserved, he very well knew that. He had pushed her away after days of slowly icing her out, freezing her in a suspended state while needing her at the same time. Of course she must have felt it, and that was what had stunned her.

Yeah, he definitely needed to talk to her, at least for five minutes. Set things straight, tell her the truth – that he wished her well, that he wanted her to be happy, that he hoped she will be.

But Michael could not do that while she was still in Memphis or Clearwater. Not with the risk of bumping into Priscilla again. Or Danny. He had to be in his own territory for once, and that was why he had asked Bill to find out where Lisa was and – if she was still in Florida or Tennessee – when she would come back to California. Assuming that she would come back at all before getting married.

And if she wasn’t coming back…

Changing the record, Michael put on some old blues classic, all the while biting the inside of his cheek in concentration.

What if she isn’t coming back, Mike? Are you gonna let this go? Not talk to her? You were never a coward.

Well… if she wasn’t coming back, then half-heartedly he would go to her. Wherever she was. Even though he believed his chances of making things right with Lisa would be significantly lower if he entered the lion’s den. Where she could be conditioned by people around her, whispering in her ear, telling her that Michael was not good for her. The contempt was apparent, the bullets were coming from so many places.

Why hadn’t they fought more for what was theirs by right? Why had they given up so quickly, so easily? Why had they allowed the outside world to basically decide for them, and to take away what they cherished, what they were building? Their personal freedom. Their life. Their ability to determine what was OK for themselves without any interference.

The clarity of the realization took his breath away and Michael moved a couple of steps backward, sitting down at the foot of the bed.

Trying to find out why he had so stubbornly refused to see what was so clearly in front of his eyes had its reasons. Realizing them, accepting them meant to see himself as something quite different from the man he had always thought he was. A man that nobody could boss around like his father used to do when Michael was little. Those times were long gone, he was different now.

And yet it happened again, didn’t it, Mike.

Michael just sat there, lost in thought. Habitually, music was the perfect ally to calm down his nerves, but not this time. The slow, melancholic and languid notes only managed to enhance the longing he felt for Lisa. The need to talk to her and the sudden, abrupt feeling of having her slip through his fingers like sand from an hourglass.

When the phone rang from the living room, he was almost expecting it and reacted on impulse, darting out of the bedroom and about stumbling as he turned the corner. He launched himself toward the kitchen table where the cordless phone stood and, when he pushed the green-lit button, he sounded adequately out of breath.

“Hello?”

“Michael? Hey… It’s Bill.”

Yes, Michael knew. He had been waiting for that call.

“Tell me everything you know.”

Century City, Los Angeles – One hour later

The knocking on the door was so loud and frantic that Lisa thought something awful must have happened. Otherwise, nobody would be standing just outside her apartment, acting like a maniac at ten PM at night. It was just absurd.

She had been trying to eat something for a while when the knocking started, but had ended up playing with her food at best, sitting at the kitchen table and reading page after page of the Paradise Lost instead.

She stood up from the kitchen stool and walked over the hall.

“Calm down! I’m coming… where the heck is the fire?”

Lisa was getting miffed at record speed. She was absolutely in no mood of seeing anyone and sure as fuck she hoped it wasn’t Danny, standing behind that door. The last week or so had been unbearable and they had kept fighting for the stupidest, most trivial things. So much for a couple about to get married! He seemed to be in complete cohort with Priscilla and, at times, he looked as if he had been brainwashed and had no intention of snapping out of the trance he was so obviously trapped into. They were pawns somehow. Nothing but little pawns on a big, invisible chessboard. Why couldn’t he see that?

But you see it. And you decide to stay… Anyway.

Lisa scoffed to herself, taking a second to just glance outside the window, hoping to find out why someone was looking for her. Nothing. The night seemed quiet. No weird cars, no groups of people just hanging out on the street. Thankfully, no paparazzi in sight either. She frowned.

The truth was that she was trying to delay the inevitable because she didn’t want to be bothered. She could have stayed quiet and waited for whoever was there to just leave, but she had reacted on instinct, blurting out her protest, and now whoever was looking for her knew that she was home. She couldn’t run and she couldn’t hide.

God… What if it was someone from her staff? Or her mother’s? She couldn’t deal with the preparation. Not again. Not right now, at least. She felt so inadequate and bland, to the point that even deciding the cocktails for the refreshments felt like a burden.

Danny was way readier to get married than Lisa had ever felt and, at times, she wondered if he understood the real implications of their decision. Blessed by the church, blessed by their families, yes, but still, so inherently unjust in so many different ways. If only she were able to explain herself the way she wanted to – when in fact every time she was immersed in that environment – controlling, even toxic somehow – the words would freeze in her mouth.

The knocking resumed just as Lisa stopped in the hallway for a moment, checking herself into the mirror, hoping to be at least remotely presentable after having spent the whole day holed up in that apartment.

“What the hell? Fuck outta here with that nonsense! Stop banging on that door!”

God, she really hoped that it wasn’t Danny. Because she really was not in the mood for another argument and she was not sure that she wouldn’t rip him a new one either, if he still wanted to fight. Even though, all things considered, he had been more than understanding in so many ways.

Raking her fingers through her hair, not sure her pajama pants and hoodie would be a magnificent sight after all, Lisa yanked the door open, ready to chew whoever was on the other side.

“Look, if you think-”

And then she stopped cold.

Standing right in front of her, hair disheveled and looking like a dream come true, was Michael.

“I’m not really thinking anything right now…” He swallowed. “Hi, Lisa.”

“Michael? What in the world…” Lisa’s words came out breathless. She felt as if the mere sight of him – the last person that she was expecting to find herself face to face with right now, or maybe ever again – had taken all the wind out of her sails. However, Michael didn’t seem relaxed either. “Why are you out of breath?”

“Because I took the stairs…”

Oh. Why, though?

“You could have taken the elevator…”

“I know… I just needed to unwind.”

Well, he looked like he had, alright. Standing there, one hand against the door frame, Michael looked as if he had gone through the wringer a little bit. Half of his red shirt was out of his pants and the fabric was crumpled. Lisa wondered if she had slept in it.

“And so you did it again?”

His eyes narrowed.

“Did what?”

“Catching me off guard… Like that day, in the library.”

She hoped that her face didn’t convey the rush of desire that immediately ran through her, just thinking back at what had happened during that party. The memory of the heat becoming heat once again.

Michael squinted his eyes.

“That was never my plan. Not then… And not now.”

Well, she wasn’t sure about that, but he didn’t seem to be in warfare mode at all. Quite the opposite. As a matter of fact, there was something about him that felt very different compared to the last conversation they had engaged in over the phone. Lisa couldn’t really pinpoint what it was, but Michael looked like someone who had just had an epiphany. The problem? The last thing they needed right now was to be discussing whatever it was that had brought him there, in a semi-public space, risking to get caught. Pictures of the two of them together splattered all over the tabloids again, days away from her wedding to another man.

She glanced around the corridor, noticing that he was there alone and that his security detail wasn’t anywhere in sight. The whole situation was bizarre and unexpected. She moved to a side and motioned to the hall.

“Come on in, then…”

Nodding his head, his eyes glancing up at her briefly, Michael stepped into her apartment and it occurred to her that, despite their places being so close, this was the very first time he visited. She didn’t know how she felt about that. Her heart was exploding in her chest and a part of her was about to melt just because he was there – and because she knew that she loved him to pieces. However, another part of her was guarded, suspicious. Their previous conversation had not ended well. It had destroyed everything. Lisa hadn’t forgotten how easy it had seemed, for Michael, to dismiss her as if she was nothing. To tell her to go ahead and marry Danny.

And right now, as much as she was in love with him – desperately – there were way more important things to think about. She had to get rid of him quickly, before he could pull her into his orbit again. But not before knowing exactly what he wanted and why he had looked for her despite being adamant of wanting to focus on his tour.

“Want something to drink?”

Trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, Lisa walked back into the living area, then to the kitchen. Michael followed quietly, and she could almost feel her eyes on her. Scanning her body. Their gaze burning and familiar. She cleared her throat.

“A glass of water would be great, thank you…”

“Not a problem. Take a seat, Michael…”

Still not looking at him, she heard him sit down on at the kitchen island. She opened the fridge.

“Immediate are the acts of God, more swift than time or motion,” he mumbled after a moment. Lisa turned, searching his eyes and finding them.

“I’m sorry?”

Michael shook his head dismissively, pointing at the book.

“Nothing… Just my favorite quote from that book you’re reading.”

She couldn’t help but grin. Of course. It made sense. It fit him.

“I see…” Stepping over, she put a water bottle and a glass on the table and sat down. They were face to face, sitting one in front of the other. “Are you OK? You don’t look… that great…”

Well, he did look otherworldly beautiful – but also a bit pale.

“No, I’m good. Just a bit tired, I think.”

“I thought you weren’t even in California.”

Otherwise she wouldn’t have been there for sure. Not in a million years she would have wanted to be in the same room with him. Even though her heart soared every time she looked at him.

“Is that why you’re here? ‘Cause you thought I was someplace else?”

Lisa’s gaze dropped. For a moment she was afraid that he could read her mind. She wasn’t sure how the idea made her feel. Not so good, at the moment.

“I just thought you were on tour.”

“I had to cancel a few shows because I was sick. But I’m better now.”

She just nodded her head, fighting against the natural instinct of getting up, walking around the table and scan his face for real. And then rest her hand on his forehead, just to make sure that he wasn’t running a fever. ‘Cause he sure looked like he did.

“I’m glad… Michael…”

“Lisa…”

They spoke at the same time and, once again at the same time, they closed their mouths. She wanted to know why he was there and then send him his own merry way because she couldn’t bear having him so close. She couldn’t be around him and lose that little focus she had left.

“You first…” He poured some water in the glass and, glancing up, Lisa noticed that he had blushed.

“Look… I just wanna know what you’re doing here. Why you didn’t call first. This is just so random and… kinda unexpected.”

Their eyes met and, just like that, she saw something. His irises, dark like universes, were smoldering. It would always, always happen when they were this close. Since that very first time at the carnival.

“Is it, really? Is all this really unexpected, Lise?”

She ignored his question and replied with another question. Or a barrage of them.

“Are you here to congratulate me? Wish me well? Tell me you hope I’ll have a wonderful future with my soon-to-be hubby and all that crap?”

Again, Michael opened his mouth, then closed it again. He took a long sip of water. In fact, he emptied the glass. Whatever was going on inside of him, it seemed to be some sort of internal fight. Lisa knew exactly the feeling.

“I am here to apologize for… You know, our last conversation…” He put the glass back on the table. “First and foremost.”

“It’s OK… I did get your point, didn’t I.”

Lisa was hurt, but not mad at him. After all, she couldn’t really blame him. Michael was a superstar, he had everything and knew where he wanted to go in his life. She was just a girl with a big name attached, like a tail. Nothing more than that. Why in the world would he want to lose any more time with her? And about the love she felt for him… That too would pass. Somehow, someday.

“No… You don’t get to get me off the hook yet. Because I know it hurt you… That what I said hurt you.”

“Well, but you meant it. So… You know, I at the very least appreciate your honesty…”

His brow furrowed and once again she got a glimpse of that internal battle.

“I -” Taking a deep breath, he finally found the courage to look up again and met her eyes. “…Don’t marry him, Lise.”

Wait – what?

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t marry Danny. Don’t.”

“Michael…” Instinctively, she rose from the stool. “I think you need to go now.”

“No.”

“What?”

“No. I’m not going.” He shook his head. His voice stayed soft. He stared at her and blinked. “You gotta let me have my say first…. You gotta know… That I lied. That day, over the phone. When I told you to go ahead and marry him. That wasn’t what I wanted…”

“What? Why? Why did you lie to me?”

He couldn’t do that to her. Not now. Not when she had finally accepted her fate after trashing and turning to the point of complete emotional annihilation. Not now, when she felt that she was finally getting numb. Getting ready to do what needed to be done.

“I don’t know. I was mad. I was frustrated. I missed you and I didn’t know how to deal with it.” He stood up, slowly, but they still stayed at a relatively close distance. Without touching each other. “I didn’t know how to do this.”

“And now you do?” Lisa couldn’t help it. She knew she sounded sarcastic even though she felt anything but, but what did he expect? The king of grenades had just shattered her reality once again.

“I am not sure yet…” This time, Michael moved a step closer. His hand came up, as if he was about to touch her, then fell flat at his side. “But I wanna learn. With you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you. I’m in love with you.”

No. Lisa couldn’t hear that. She shook her head, stubbornly, her eyes closed shut for a second.

“No, not that! I mean, why now? What the fuck are you doing?”

What the fuck was he doing, indeed? He had run to her because he wanted to apologize for treating her like shit over the phone – in a cold, calculative manner that Lisa had never deserved. But then something else entirely had come out of his mouth and Michael felt as if his brain was wholly jumbled up. At the same time, the physical exhaustion and the discomfort he had felt up until that point were gone. He was still tired, but all of a sudden his body felt vibrant, sharp. As if just by seeing the girl she loved, he had started to heal. He wouldn’t have known how to explain the sudden feeling of breathing better. The weight on his chest was gone. Everything was gone. Everything but Lisa.

He had broken down and had told her how he really felt and it was the rightest thing he had done in quite some time.

“Why now? Because I had to. Before it’s really too late…” He watched her, trying to read her mood. A deer caught in the headlights. Scared – suspicious. He knew. He had done that. He now aimed at undoing it, if only he had the chance to. He had never been a man capable of letting go of his dreams. And Lisa… She was so much more than that. “Before I end up losing you for real.”

One more step forward and he could feel the familiar scent of her skin. He wanted to touch her so bad. Just being this close to her, after so long, reminded him that he had missed her even more than he thought possible. She was so beautiful, almost glowing. Her eyes were luminous. If only hadn’t she been so scared… Scared of him.

“Did I lose you, Lise? Is it too late?”

Her lips slightly parted, she stared at him with an expression that he could not interpret.

“You need to go. You really do.”

She repeated the words in a whisper. But that whisper meant something else entirely. This time, it was as bright as the sun.

“Kiss me…”

His was a plea, more than an order. If she gave in now, if she did show him that she still cared, he would know. And if she asked him to leave, he would do it. Even though a part of him would probably stay with her forever. That would just be the hill he would die on.

Lisa’s eyes fluttered closed and Michael saw tears sparkling. Barely kept at bay in a vigorous, useless defense.

“If there’s still some love left in you for me… Please, just kiss me.”

He didn’t remember the last time he had been so open and vulnerable. Defenseless and completely exposed to her. He prayed that she would not inflict the final blow.

Lisa’s hands came up, resting on his cheeks. Framing his face at first and then holding his head. She looked at him, from one eye to the other.

“Damn you…”

She shook her head, then brought his head down, his mouth closer to her. The kiss was slow and tender, almost chaste. Their lips touching. Michael couldn’t do anything but stroke her face, her chin, the outline of her jawbone. He tilted his head slightly and deepened the kiss and the small, soft sound she let out almost broke what was left of him.

Lisa’s arms closed around his neck as their tongues touched, danced. God, they were so immature still. Doing this when they weren’t even supposed to be in the same place together. Then how was it, that he had never felt so perfectly adjusted to a situation before?

“God… Lisa… Lisa…” Finally taking her into his arms, he held her close, his lips moving down, finding her neck. Lisa’s head fell back, her throat exposed to him. Such a simple gesture, and yet it showed him that there was at least a part of her that still trusted him. “I do love you for real. Don’t marry him, girl. Don’t do it. Unless you want it…”

He pulled back, suddenly insecure.

“Do you want it? Marry the guy, that is… Do you love him?”

He knew he had asked her in the past, and her answer had been clear. But things changed. He was learning. Or at the very least he was trying to.

Lisa closed her eyes, shook her head. Then stared at him again and there was courage and honesty painted on her face.

“Not the way I love you. I told you. I care for him, I really do. But I’m in love with you.” She sighed. “I can’t help it.”

Michael let go of a breath that he didn’t know he had been holding. And he soared. Because she gave him wings. How had he even thought possible to discard her like some broken toy, only because some people around him had told him that it would be way too complicated to handle? This relationship. This intensity.

There had to be a way.

“Then…”

“But I can’t step back now. Michael… You gotta understand…”

She tried to pull back and away from him, but he kept holding onto her.

“What? If you don’t love him, if you love me, just like you say you do… Then why? You can step back, Lise. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to…”

“I can’t only think about myself now. Not anymore.”

She pushed against his chest, lightly, and took a step back. Then she closed her arms around her chest in a protective gesture.

“What do you mean? What’s going on?”

He knew it. Michael felt it: there was something there that he didn’t know yet. Something important – maybe even more critical of whatever feeling she had for him.

“I am pregnant, Michael.” Her brow furrowed and a small smile stole on her lips. A small, forlorn, worried smile. “I am gonna have a baby and I don’t wanna be alone in this.”

She could tell that her words had stunned him. Maybe it was even an understatement, considering that Michael got pale all of a sudden. He couldn’t even blink and he looked paralyzed for a second, as if a bucket of icy water had been thrown at him.

“What?”

His voice was almost inaudible.

“I said… that I’m pregnant.” Straightening her stance, she stared at him and spelled the words carefully. Mustering all the courage that she had left and knowing that she needed it. She had to be brave because Michael sure as hell seemed to be in shock.

“I think… I think I gotta sit down…”

The moment he said the words, he stumbled back and plopped down on the stool, staring into space for a moment. Deflated. Then he looked up at her again.

“You’re pregnant?”

Yep. Shocked. Lisa sighed.

“Yeah. I’m gonna have a baby, Michael. That’s why everything I do from now on can no longer be only for myself. This is not about me and me alone anymore.”

“Who… What…”

Lisa’s eyes narrowed and of course, she became defensive.

“Who’s the father? Is that what you’re asking?”

Michael just stared at her, lips parted, face blank. Still utterly stunned. It miffed her, his reaction. This was not at all what she wanted and also one of the reasons why she had tried her best to avoid him as much as she could, since she had found out that she was expecting.

“What kind of question is that? What the fuck?”

“Well, I… didn’t really ask anything… you…”

“But you implied it, didn’t you? What, you think I been throwing my coochie all over the place?”

He frowned, taken aback by her remark.

“Lisa…” He swallowed. “No… That’s not what I think… I think it’s mine…”

And those were the most surprising words that he could ever utter.

He spoke softly, almost reverently. And the tone in his voice was what broke her. That was what she had not been expecting. Because as far as Michael knew, she might have been giving it to Danny day and night. While in fact, even though they were supposed to get married in a matter of days, they hadn’t had sex at all. Of course not.

Lisa noticed that Michael’s hands were shaking, ever so slightly. He ran the palms of his hands over his pants and then stood up again. Stepping closer.

“It’s my baby… right? It’s mine…”

Lisa scanned his eyes and was not sure of what she found there. Surprise, yes, of course, but also something else. Wonder, maybe. Amazement. Caution. But not fear. Not at all.

She just nodded her head. Denying the obvious was pointless. Michael was the only man she had unprotected sex with. As a matter of fact, after their last encounter in the library, she hadn’t had sex with anyone else.

“My baby? Did we make a baby? You and I?”

Still that amazed tone in his voice. She had to scoff, but the soft tendrils of hope were already blossoming inside of her. Against her own will. Choking her. Reviving her.

“I guess we did, yeah…”

Michael blinked, his brow furrowed. Then his face distended. And he smiled. Shyly at first, and then with more conviction.

“I know when it happened… And I know how…”

A little hesitantly, biting his lip, he reached out and took her hand. He was still so very guarded. They both were.

“Well, of course you know how babies are made. No doubt about that.”

Even though her mood was rapidly shifting from complete defeat to unexpected relief, she still could not avoid the sarcastic tone. Defense mechanisms… She and Michael swam in those. And maybe someday it would be time to stop. But right now, she just couldn’t.

“The last time we made love…” He took a shaky breath. “I knew what I was doing. I just didn’t know why. When… You know…”

Lisa looked up, her expression calm and unreadable.

“When you came inside of me. When I let you come inside of me.”

She saw him swallow and his eyes once again turned hotter. Smoldering, really. Desire barely kept in check.

“Yeah…”

Pulling her close to him, he kissed her forehead and took her into his arms. The silence that followed conveyed so many things. So much was unspoken and yet so very clear.

They both had known precisely what they were doing. Yes, they had been reckless for sure, but they weren’t young enough to not know that unprotected sex could result in a pregnancy. And for the first time since she had realized that she was expecting, Lisa wondered if, irrationally, both she and Michael had somehow sought that baby as a way to solidify and confirm their union. The love they felt for one another.

She also had to wonder if it had also been a defiant act, somehow. Their subtle way to rebel to a world that mocked them and didn’t want them to be together. Shaking her head in his embrace, she chased the thought away and tried to relax. The last thing Lisa had been expecting earlier that morning, when she had woken up, was to be into Michael’s arms. Knowing that he finally understood what was going on. That he knew.

“You’re my baby daddy…” She mouthed the words without really saying them out loud, not wanting him to hear. Scared they would make him disappear.

“And you’re my baby mama.”

Superhuman hearing! Lisa filed the information for future slip-ups. He didn’t need to know how much she had missed him. And how hard it had been for her, not to call him when she had taken that home test. And then a second one, and a third one, before her pregnancy was confirmed without the shred of a doubt by her gynecologist.

“So… Ten weeks, huh?”

“More or less, yeah.”

She spoke against his chest. Michael’s heart was racing. The rhythm of his surprise was the song of a future that still needed to be composed and built.

With immense difficulty, he pulled back and watched her, still holding her hands. He scanned her from head to toe, then his eyes stopped at her belly. Slowly, he rested his palm there. His big hand almost covered her whole stomach.

“There’s nothing to see, yet… Or feel… it’s…”

“It’s just starting to show…”

“Yeah…”

How good it felt to have him touch her like that. For the very first time, Lisa felt safe. Comforted. She felt as if she was exactly where she was supposed to be. Her hand came to rest over Michael’s and, glancing down, she realized that she loved how they looked together. Uncried tears made her eyes burn, but she managed to have them stay at bay. She had never cried. Not even when all the tests had come out positive and, for a second, she had thought that she would be all alone in this. Alone and forlorn. Even then, she had refused to break down.

“Lisa…”

Michael’s voice reeled her back in. Looking up, she found his eyes. Soulful, present – and maybe a bit sad.

“What…”

“Who knows about this?”

“Just Danny.”

He looked only mildly surprised by her answer.

“Were you planning to tell me? Someday?”

“Probably, yeah.”

Right… Pretty hard to pass a biracial baby as the biological kid of a white father. Still, Michael’s mind kept reeling. He was trying so very hard to understand what Lisa’s plan had been. Obviously, she had been forced to improvise and steer her life in the direction that this unexpected, unplanned event had generated. But still… Why was he on the sidelines? On the outs?

“Why did you tell him? Why didn’t you tell me, instead?”

Once again, that hurt look in his eyes.

“Because he was there for me, and he’s willing to raise this kid with me. And you…” Lisa shook her head and stepped back, sitting down at the kitchen island again. “You told me…”

Michael flinched.

“…To not contact me anymore. That I needed to focus on my tour.”

“That’s what you said, yeah.”

His eyes fluttered closed. He looked as if he had just been slapped in the face. He knew. It dawned on him that his behavior certainly had contributed to her decision. And he suddenly remembered a hint, during their last phone conversation. Something that he had not been able to catch – something that he had ignored, prisoner as he was of his own pain. He now knew, Lisa would have probably told him about the pregnancy, if only he had been more interested in how she was. But without even realizing it, he hadn’t been.

Pride, however, was like a shark. His mouth always open, thousands of teeth ready to bite and draw blood.

“You should have told me anyway.”

“I wanted to. But I wouldn’t have been able to stand it, if you had told me that you didn’t care. Or that you wanted me to… you know…”

His eyes opened again.

“I would never ask you to get an abortion, Lisa. That’s not who I am. I love kids… and I love you…”

“I know that. I do. But loving kids is way different than wanting to be a father, Michael. Or finding out that you soon will be. And I couldn’t imagine anything else but you telling me that you would take care of the baby just because you felt it was the right thing to do. You know… out of duty… Or something. Which is not what I need.”

Regaining her senses, and realizing that they had not at all discussed the details of anything, Lisa walked over to the kitchen, turning her back to him. Resting her hands over the counter. Needing to regroup.

“That’s not what I…” She heard him take a deep breath. “I would have just been surprised. Shoot, I am. I had no idea.”

“Of course not.” Lisa stayed perfectly still. “Look – I don’t know what you’re planning to do. Whatever you told me earlier is kinda pointless now, since you didn’t know about the baby. But I got weeks to get used to this, to prepare myself for this… And I want this child, Mike. This pregnancy is what kept me going after we broke up… And everything that came with it.”

Right… The poison, coming from each corner. Forcing her to watch her back like she had never done before. Or at least understanding that from now on she would have to do just that.

She paused. Then she dropped the bomb. Becoming a mother first and foremost. Becoming a woman, and individual, first and foremost – despite also feeling him as her soulmate.

“And if you’re planning to give me money to take care of this baby, let me tell you… There’s no need. I can do that by myself, as I’m sure you know. And if you’re thinking about fighting me in court… And take this baby from me or something… Just know that, as much I love you with all my heart, Michael… I will do my best to rip you to shreds.”

It pained her to say those words, but he had to know. She was young, and the pregnancy had been unexpected, but it had soon become what mattered the most in her world. She already loved that baby with all her heart, even though she hadn’t been able to see him or her on a screen yet. Even though she couldn’t feel it grow and move inside of her, yet. She felt that new life pulsing within and it made her feel stronger, braver.

And Michael… Lisa’s heart was his. It would likely always be. But there was something much more important, now. Much bigger. Something eventual.

She didn’t hear him moving. And that was why, when she felt his hands on her waist, she jumped. His lips were so close to her ear. His warm breath caressing her skin and his chest adhering to her back.

“I won’t fight you. I would never do that. I fucking love you. Even more so now… whether you believe it or not. I missed you so darn much, I don’t think you realize it. And I’m floored… Honest to God, I am… ‘cause being a dad… It’s not something I was planning at this stage of my life. But hell, I wasn’t even planning to fall in love in a way that takes my breath away. You did this to me. You can’t undo it, Lisa. It’s way too late for that.”

Her hands closed in fists. What was he saying? And how easily his words were flowing, now, after she had heard him stutter his way through the news, through this life-changing event. What was happening to him?

“And I don’t want you with me because you’re having my baby. I want you, regardless. No, wait… I want you even more. I don’t care about what the world thinks. Or what they say about us. And I don’t have a solution… Not yet… I won’t be as arrogant as I was last time… telling you that I know all the answers. That it’s gonna be easy. Now we both know it won’t be. But baby…” Slowly, he turned her body so that he could see her eyes. Their gaze locked. “…Stay with me. Don’t marry him. Stay with me.”

“Michael…” She grabbed his arms.

“Lisa… Don’t. Don’t make me leave, please. Don’t marry him.”

Like a mantra. He kept repeating the same plea, like a rosary.

She searched deep inside her soul for the right answer. For the ultimate one.