Unraveling – Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – Everything has changed

Santa Barbara County – June 13th, 2005

Michael sat perfectly still, not a single muscle moving, as one of the jurors read the verdict. By his side, Lisa looked just as frozen, but after the second “not guilty” her hand squeezed his in a tight grasp. He wanted to reciprocate the gesture, but couldn’t bring himself to move. He couldn’t do anything, because every single thing felt suspended. The time, the place, his body. Everything. He was paralyzed and almost caught in some sort of extracorporeal experience.

He heard those words – “not guilty”- fourteen times in a row. But it was only when Tom, by his side, finally turned to stare at him that Michael realized that it was over.

Tom was smiling. He was holding onto Michael’s arm and smiling.

Only then he was able to reciprocate Lisa’s touch and entwine his fingers with hers. He looked at her, but her face was blurred. Her hand came up, wiping a tear away from his cheek. His eyes had welled up and he hadn’t even noticed.

Michael took off his glasses and realized that she, too, was crying. There was so much relief, so much pained relief in her eyes that he almost could not bear it.

Then everything blended, becoming a bizarre ensemble of moments, faces, voices that he wouldn’t be able to remember later. His family. His mother and father. His brothers and sisters. And then, once more – her. The woman he loved. The woman who was carrying his child, something only Michael and Lisa knew about for now.

His wife…

It almost startled him to find out that he still saw her in that role. He had attempted to stop doing that, after their last big breakup – and he had tried to move on without much success just like she had done. But of course, the rumors would always manage to reach him whether he wanted it or not. Even when he pretended to not want to know how Lisa was, what she was doing or who she was seeing, he would always end up being in the loop. Someway, somehow.

Every time he found out that she was dating someone or seeing someone, he slipped into habits that a lifetime ago he would have deemed unsavory. It didn’t matter that he also knew that those men didn’t mean too much for her, and certainly meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. They were nothing but nobodies that she would try to forget him with, people that she would date to get over him or to get him jealous. Yet, it still hurt him every single time. Yet, he would still retaliate – hurting her in return. Oh, he loved to patronize her – but he wasn’t much different. Or at least he could be very much like her when it came to recklessness.

So yeah, back then he had thought that he was finally done with Lisa. Despite still dreaming about her. Despite still waking up aroused and desperate the moment his body realized that she wasn’t there, lying down by his side. But all in all, he no longer saw her as the only Mrs. Jackson and things were getting better.

Or were they?

And then she had come back in the most abyss-deep moment of his life. At a time when he felt about to drown with every breath he took and needed a reason to stay strong. His kids, his family, his art, his fans. They were all sources of resilience, yes, but also of incredible terror and concern. In intensity, his willingness of holding onto them could also be compared to his fear of losing them all. Of becoming a monster in their eyes.

When Michael had found himself face to face with Lisa again, over a year earlier, she was indeed the last person he expected to see. For a while he had even been wary of her. Cautious and skeptical. He was afraid to discover that things had changed, if only he stared into her eyes for more than a handful of seconds. That she would now look at him with suspicion, as if he was some kind of abnormality.

But she did not look at him like that. She had never done it, not once. When during that first night he finally was able to bring himself to truly, deeply scan her eyes, there was nothing but love there. Concern and relief too, but love most of all. That had never vacated the premises. And yet something was different. It was all in the way she had touched him, held him, kissed him, allowed him to take her when they had made love again. It had cut him deep into his skin, reaching his muscles, notching his bones. The change was rooted in the essence of who she was. And in his.

Or maybe it had always been there and only now he had the clarity of mind to see it.

How easy it had been to realize that, after all, Lisa had never stopped being his wife in his heart, and that he had only been lying to himself all along.

For the following year, every single day she had given him reasons to trust her again. She had always made him feel like he could give himself to her again, completely. Never wavering. Never doubting. Never leaving his side.

However, Michael had been stunned to discover how unable he was to give voice to his thoughts. Just like he was no longer in the mood for singing or dancing, his verbal abilities seemed affected as well. It was incredibly frustrating, because there was so much that he wanted Lisa to know. About what he thought, and mostly about how he felt.

How his idea of the world had finally changed. How right she had been, in the past, when she had told him not to trust all those people buzzing around him. Mosquitoes looking for a free meal, looking for his blood, she would call them. How not everyone had a goodness to them. How sorry he was to have misjudged her intentions when they were married. How he no longer thought that she wanted to smother him or control him. How he knew that she was only trying to protect him in her own imperfect way, yes, but still… It had to mean something! And he hadn’t grasped it. Had not been able to see it. He hadn’t recognized the asset that she was to him.

And finally, more than anything else, Michael wanted Lisa to know that he was serious whenever he told her that he loved her. He had always loved her and he wished that he could have let her know every single day. Even when things between the two of them weren’t at their best, even when their communication had been strained and confusing. Maybe it would have made a difference.

It was disappointing and maddening to discover that those words just weren’t there. They were nothing but floating bubbles of thoughts in his mind. Intangible, real only for him. Perpetually unable to reach their target: her.

Thank goodness she had been the one bringing up marriage again, at one point, because in all frankness, he couldn’t tell if he would have ever been able to put himself out there that way again. What if she told her no? Way too risky. And so, to have her talking about it in such honest manner had been more than surprising, to Michael. His heart had almost jumped out of his chest. He had not been expecting that one bit. It had felt so much like a deja-vu of the first time around, only this time Lisa had been the one sorta-kinda proposing to him.

Did he want to marry her again? God, yes. As a matter of fact, he wished that they had never divorced to begin with. So much time lost, too many moments stolen in the photo album of their lives. So many pages missing. While his life took a new quality, a dimension where every single minute counted, he mourned the countless moments that he and Lisa had lost forever and they would never get back. Thinking about it now, it had been because of their foolishness and immaturity. Nothing else.

But he could not marry her before knowing what would be of him.

When he told her that the only thing he could do was wait for the verdict before planning their future together, he was being honest. He ignored the paradox of them already rebuilding their future regardless. He could not tolerate the idea of forcing the woman he loved to be his wife in the case he ended up in jail. Even if it was for something that he had never done and would never do. He would not put the scarlet letter on her to that extent. The stigma. If things went south for him, Lisa had to be free and leave, and go on with her life without him.

Michael had never been able to tell her that either. It was simply too much. The most selfless act he could ever fathom became unspeakable, once the chips were down. He could only hope that she had understood and that she could read between the lines of his endless silences.

Maybe Lisa did in fact understand, because she never pushed. At the same time, she was also very much capable of reminding him that she had taken his words very seriously. More than once she had told him that she expected him to honor his promise the moment everything would come to an end. Not if it would end, but when.

She had no idea how much Michael wanted to honor that darn promise.

And she also had no idea of what happened inside of him when, some time later, she told him that she was pregnant with his child.

He remembered feeling as if something, inside of him, was melting. The layer of ice that surrounded his heart, despite his best efforts to remain true to himself. Frozen hopes, that Lisa had started to indent inch by inch the moment she had returned to him. Only once before, since she had come back, Michael had felt that same sensation. It had been when they had made love again for the first time. When he had buried himself into her warmth after almost two years of relegating his love and desire to nonsensical one-night-stands and fleeting affairs with women that he could barely remember.

And yet when it came to her, oblivion was never an option. How could he forget? He had entered her body and she was lava, she was liquid fire. How was he supposed to come out unscathed? It was impossible. And yet he had managed – somehow – to keep part of that icy layer secured to his heart. Like a glass case, his transparency deceiving, giving him the chance to look out, but not to touch anything.

Lisa had reached in and the case had started to crack. But it hadn’t shattered, not yet. As the months progressed, Michael had started to think that his emotional hibernation would never end. It wasn’t that he was completely frozen, but he only felt partly. Whenever a feeling threatened to overwhelm him, he would manage to shut it down and put it into that glass case, where his heart now also resided. It had become an automatic reaction.

With Lisa now back by his side, the task became harder and harder as time progressed, and yet he tried to resist the fire.

He had no idea that just a little hit, that the tiniest impact would smash everything into pieces.

“We’re having a baby, Mike… I’m pregnant with your child.”

Those had been the words. As powerful as those fourteen “not guilty” and just as important. How he wished he would have said something more, anything, that night. How he wished he hadn’t been pretty much petrified by the news.

“I’m sorry?”

“I am expecting your child.” The little crease on her forehead had made its appearance and Lisa had tilted her head. Looking insecure and worried. “Are you OK? …I’m so sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have-”

Michael had pulled her close, kissing her until they both were dizzy and breathless. Whispering words of love against her lips and not much else. Smiling and crying at the same time, his mind a complete blur, his heart an atomic bomb, ticking ticking ticking.

Lisa had reciprocated every kiss, but still looked confused.

He could tell that she was concerned, apprehensive about his reaction and of course, he knew why. Theirs was the worst timing ever. This was the most inadequate moment ever to have a baby. No, scratch that: this was complete lunacy. They had tried so hard to become pregnant during the first year or so of their marriage. At one point, they had tried even after their divorce, because of the feverish madness that was such a huge part of who they were. It had just never happened, not once. They seemed cursed.

Until Michael’s future was virtually put in shackles, albeit temporarily. And now it was finally over – he was free. He could go home. He could resume living. And he would become a father again.

A father, and…

“Breathe… Mike? Look at me. Breathe, baby.”

He came back into the moment. Into the place and the time. They were leaving the Courthouse and Lisa was holding his hand. He could feel his mother’s fingers gently touching the small of his back while they slowly walked outside. Together, as a family. Into the sun. Into all those people screaming and cheering. His people. Michael blinked, exhaling a deep breath as he stared at Lisa.

He saw it again. That concerned expression in her eyes. She was worried about him. How could she not be? They were just leaving the pit of hell, at that very moment. He had come out alive – barely, he felt at times, but he was still there. Weary and battered, but still alive.

If only he could overcome the shock, maybe he would be able to do more than stare at her.

A few hours later, Michael sat at his desk, in his study. He was flipping through the pages of an old photo album, something he had not done in ages. In the past few years, so many other things and people had ended up leading his life. Some of them he couldn’t even remember. Even putting the trial aside, he had to admit that it hadn’t been the best time of his life. It didn’t matter how much he had often try to pretend that he was having fun, he had felt alone like it hadn’t happened in a very long time.

Of course, avoiding the life portrayed in the pictures that he had so carefully collected in that album had been a must. Those photographs would have ended up being his kryptonite.

But not anymore. He no longer was afraid to watch. After all, things had changed. His mind still not fully registered that the trial was over and he was – rightfully so – a free man, but his heart knew that there would be something else beyond those photographs.

Michael watched. His fingertips skimming over the flat, glossy surface that testified of the countless moments that he and Lisa had spent together through the years. Private pictures that only very few people had ever seen, that the public didn’t know anything about and likely never would.

Lisa sleeping in bed, her back naked and her hair wild. Lisa holding a newborn Prince, even Paris. A more recent picture of Lisa playing with Blanket, who looked at her with pure adoration in his eyes. Lisa sunbathing near the pool, her eyes staring at the man behind the camera. Staring at Michael. He and Lisa during their honeymoon – in museums, hotel rooms, planes, cars, streets, beaches, parks. Lisa curled up on a couch, at Neverland, surrounded by still unopened Christmas presents. Lisa holding her babies as they laughed, Riley’s hand holding Michael’s – who wasn’t even in the shot. So many close-ups of Lisa’s face, her eyes languid and mysterious, playful and mischievous, always so full of love and passion. Her smile. She had taken so much space in Michael’s life, that he wondered if at one point he truly had been convinced that she could ever be forgotten.

No, she couldn’t be. He knew that now.

There were still some blank pages in that album and it hit him like a hammer. Just like that, all of a sudden, and much more profoundly than his logical mind could ever do. He now had the time and the chance to fill those pages with new memories, new moments, new photographs. An in a little more than seven months from now, even with a new baby. His and Lisa’s baby.

He would be a father. Lisa was was pregnant with his child. Their very first baby together.

When the thought crossed his exhausted mind, when the realization anchored itself there and remained, it was with such clarity and sharpness that it felt almost physically painful. And exhilarating. It was possibly also the very first time that it hit him like that. For the past week and a half, since Lisa had dropped the bomb, Michael had been unable to truly engage on the matter. He just could not. His happiness couldn’t find a voice to express itself and neither could his fears. The toughest, most protected part of him, on the other hand, had spoken plenty. It had whispered relentlessly, day and night. It had told Michael to keep Lisa at arm’s length.

Be selfish, man. Make sure you’ll have the time and the chance to be a father to that baby, before allowing yourself to be fully involved on an emotional level. Make sure this thing you got going on with her can continue. Otherwise, why bother?

His inner voice also had no issues scolding him at times.

You and Lisa should have been more careful. What were you thinking, by the way? Going bareback all those times, not a care in the world, even though you knew she wasn’t on the pill. Now you knocked her up and you don’t even know if you’re gonna be around for the kid. Or her. Stupid idiot.

How, when had he become so cynical? He had hated that inner voice of his with a passion. He had hated how it affected him, how it influenced his demeanor around Lisa even more. Since she had told him about the baby, Michael hadn’t touched her, he had not once made love to her. He knew full well that, had he allowed himself to get lost in her, his stupid rules would have been worthless.

Of course, they had cuddled and he had made sure that she was fine and that she had everything she needed. But he had also been emotionally distant. Locked into his invisible glass case once again, wanting to go out, yet incapable of breaking free. Terrified that soon he would be locked someplace else, where he would be put in no condition to be a husband and a father ever again. And possibly not even a human being.

But it’s over. Don’t you get it? It’s over, now. Time to wake up, brother. You got your life back. And your woman is in it.

This was a different voice, and it sounded much more familiar, more akin to the man Michael had always been and wanted to be. Yes, he did know that it was over. His mind had registered the verdict just fine, at least from a rational point of view. But it was as if it had solely reached a superficial level and, down under, the water was still black and as thick as oil.

He thought that he might very well have PTSD. Or, at the very least, he was shell-shocked.

He also knew that he had to untangle himself from that viscous feeling of dirtiness that the trial had left him with. Because he was not the man that they had tried to depict in court or in the newspapers or on TV, he never had been, he never would be.

He would get better. No, he would get well. And he would do good by Lisa and his children. And hers. And their baby, his and Lisa’s brand new baby.

Michael inhaled a deep breath and held it. The voice spoke again.

Breathe, Mike. Breathe.

When he heard someone knock at the door of the study, he knew that it was her. He closed the photo album and put it back into the drawer, then rose from the chair and walked over to the door, opening it himself.

Lisa still wore that beautiful burgundy dress that she had donned once they had gotten home from the Courthouse, finding out that there was a party for Michael waiting to begin at the ranch. When he had seen the balloons and the cake and the confetti, his eyes had welled up. How was it even possible that his family and close friends had planned this in advance? And Riley and Ben were also there. It had been so hard for him to stay strong and distant at that very moment.

Almost reading his thoughts, Lisa had leaned closer, whispering in his ear.

“Of course. They knew you were going to win. I knew it too.” She had kissed his cheek. “I love you so much, baby. Welcome home.”

Home…

The exhilaration granted by that word had taken over and he had smiled, telling Lisa to go change her clothes. He adored her business attire, but she needed to wear something different if they had to party. She had to shed skin.

Lisa had gazed at him and her eyes were sultry, seducing.

“OK… I’ll see if I can find something that my man might appreciate…”

Uncharacteristically, given how shy and timid he could be in public, he had pulled her close again for another kiss.

“Yes. Find something that I can peel off you later.”

“Yes, sir.” She had saluted him playfully, before stepping back. “Riley and Ben can’t wait to talk to you again, by the way. They miss you. So go say hello, will you?”

It hadn’t been random that she had left, that she had given him the time and the space to reacquaint himself with his former stepchildren. She knew that Michael needed to breathe. Even her views of the world had changed in the past year.

However, about twenty minutes later, when Michael had seen her reappear in that sexy dress the only thing he had wanted was to take her to his quarters and make love to her until they both passed out. Release the tension that he was still feeling. Of course, that couldn’t be done and he had tried to focus on the party. Everyone had been so sweet – so normal. Nobody looked as if they were walking on eggshells around him anymore. And his kids, well… Michael was glad that they couldn’t really understand what kind of a mess their dad had been embroiled in. Their presence, their innocence, their pure view of the world always managed to lift his spirit.

And so, for a while, Michael had even been able to enjoy himself. He had sipped some wine, moderately, even nibbled at some cake. He had adored being surrounded by the people he loved. They had all the reasons to celebrate, and the fact alone that they were so happy and so relieved had managed to make him feel better.

At least for a while.

A couple of hours into the evening, he had put Prince, Paris and Blanket to bed and then had realized how exhausted he felt. The party in itself had become nothing but a series of muffled sounds reaching him through the walls and those same walls had once again threatened to close in on him. When he had left the kids’ room, he had stood in the corridor and the space had started to become smaller and smaller. Suffocating. He had begun to sweat. Instinctively, he had reached up and had undone the top button of his shirt.

He couldn’t go back down. He was trapped underwater again and needed to breathe. He needed to not drown.

And so he had gone to his study, and there he had stayed for about an hour before Lisa obviously hadn’t been able to take it anymore, and had come looking for him. Rescuing him.

She leaned against the door frame, tilting her head up to him.

“Hello, sir.”

Oh, she was trying to rescue him alright. And she was putting on a casual facade while doing it. Making it easier for him to allow her to extricate him from the tangled mess that he had fallen headfirst into once again. She had learned… She had done the same thing so many times in the past year or so.

“Ma’am… Nice to see you.”

“Nice to see you too.” She showed him a brand new bottle of Graham Vintage Port. “By the way… I brought some wine.”

“Why? You can’t drink.” A little grin stole on his lips and Lisa laughed.

“I know! But you can. Aren’t you thirsty?”

Very casually, she entered the study and locked the door behind her back, without breaking eye contact.

Feeling bold, Michael stepped into her personal space, his hands braced against the door, keeping her trapped in between his arms.

“Very.”

They kissed. Softly at first, and then with increasing passion. He could tell that she was hesitant, and that she hadn’t been expecting him to make the first move. Of course, she had noticed how distant he had been since…

“Lisa…” He broke the kiss, leaning his forehead against hers. “Lisa, Lisa…”

She let go of the precious bottle of wine, letting it slide to the floor. The dull “thump” on the thick carpet didn’t even register in Michael’s mind. Lisa’s hands came up, framing his face. She was staring at his lips, her gaze remote.

“Yes, baby…” She swallowed. “Talk to me.”

He kissed her again. What else was he supposed to do? Then he touched her face, tenderly. She turned her head and kissed the palm of his hand and he felt as if his knees were about to give in.

“We’re gonna have a baby. You and I. Our baby…” He buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled the scent of her skin. It was soothing. Intoxicating. “…Finally. I am so happy… So very, very happy.”

Happy… It was so weird to use that word again after so long. He had never allowed himself to say it out loud since hell had opened under his feet. But now… Well, now… It all felt like a new beginning. He felt like reemerging to the clear air of day.

“Are you, Michael? Happy…”

Her tone was honest, open. She wasn’t trying to bait him into an argument at all, and she wasn’t pouncing on him. She was just concerned, worried that he didn’t want the little creature that she was carrying. It pained him to realize that she couldn’t know better.

“More than my words will ever express. I want this baby will all my heart. And you. I want you.” He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “I am happy. And surprised. And in love…”

Lisa smiled, her eyes shiny.

“And I’m in love with you… Daddy.”

How long since she had used that cute nickname. In the past, it mostly was connected to his domineering attitude when it came to sex, but now all of a sudden its flavor was so different. It had expanded, just like Michael’s heart.

Almost in an automatic motion, his lower body came in contact with her and Lisa moaned against his lips, softly. She obviously had noticed the effect that she had on him. And she obviously longed for him.

“When are you gonna fuck me, Mike… I need you. I miss you…”

Michael giggled at her choice of words and she smiled, happy and amazed by his reaction.

“Soon, baby girl, soon… But first…” One more kiss. “…First I’m gonna marry you. Just like I told you I would.”

“Well, OK… But what about tonight? We can send everyone home and celebrate… Just you and I. What do you think…”

“Oh, we’re gon’ celebrate alright… But we still need the reverend.”

“Ah, I’m not into threesomes with religious figures… But nice try.”

“That’s cute. I’m being serious, Lise.”

Lisa pulled back and scanned his eyes. Her brow furrowed and her smile seemed to falter.

“What do you mean?”

“I wanna marry you tonight, Lise. As in, right now. I wanna start our new life together immediately.” He took her hand and dragged her toward his desk. “And don’t even try. You still wanna marry me, right?”

“Yes, but…”

“What, but?”

“I know I told you I was expecting you to make good on your promise, but Michael… You don’t have to. Not because you feel you gotta do it.”

“It’s not that. I’m asking because I wanna marry you with every ounce of my being.” He stared at her. “Is that good enough?”

His eyebrows sprung up as he waited for her answer and she laughed again, out of nervousness and exhilaration, making him smile in return. Michael didn’t think that he was still able to surprise her.

“Yes, nutjob. It’s good enough.”

“Then sit.”

“Where, crazy man?”

“On my desk. Sit there and wait like a good girl.”

The look in her eyes told him that she wanted to be very, very bad, but still she complied. Which was something that Lisa tended to do whenever the temperature went up. Michael felt lighter, unburdened. If for a moment he had expected drama caused by his lack of tact about her and their baby in the past week or so, no argument had happened at all. He and Lisa seemed to be on the same page. They wanted peace. They needed freedom.

She sat on the desk in a very lady-like manner and her eyes followed his every move.

“What are you doing?”

“You know I gotta do this right, don’t you…”

Lisa leaned back on her hands, her gaze still on him.

Michael walked across the room, to the safe, and opened it, extracting a small velvet box. Of course she knew that he had to do this right. She knew him. And the thing had been there for months now, waiting for a moment that had felt suspended for way too long. And yet, when he walked back to her, opening the small box, his hands were shaking. He allowed the dim light of the room to reflect itself on that diamond ring that looked so much like the first one he had gifted her with – only on steroids.

Lisa covered her mouth with her hand.

“Mike… I…”

“You gotta understand. This is not a rash decision on my part…” His shoulders seemed to relax. “I have been wanting to marry you again for a very long time.”

Lisa rolled her eyes and let out a small, insecure laugh.

“For real? You’re too much, Mike.”

Despite the slight hint of sarcasm in her voice, not even she could buy the detachment that she was only pretending to feel. She was rapidly getting drunk of him.

“Yeah. Even before you came back to me.”

Now… Those words managed to take all the air out of her sails and she just blinked, staring at him in disbelief, the ring forgotten for a moment.

“I wish I could turn back time and go after you…” Michael shook his head, scoffing. “I didn’t have the balls to do it, back then… I thought I hadn’t much to offer after all. And that it was too late… But now…. Lise…”

“What…”

“Now I know it’s not too late. We still have time. And I ask you… I ask you to trust me just like I trusted you.”

Right… When she had come back to him, over a year earlier. Lisa couldn’t do anything but keep staring at him. She was worried and scanned his face, looking for a trace of hesitance, of doubt. She found none.

Slowly, he went down on his knee, glancing up at her.

“Lisa Marie, would you marry me again… tonight?”

Her eyes closed and she took a deep, shaky breath. When she watched him again, her irises looked like oceans. Only, they were oceans up in the sky.

“Yes. All this feels a bit hurried like the first time around, but… Yes, Michael. Yes, I want to marry you.”

Still on his knee, Michael put the ring on her finger and then pulled her down for another kiss.

“This is nothing like the first time around, Lise. Everything has changed. Everything.”