Unraveling – Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Breathe

She truly could not believe it.

As Michael’s body pressed against hers and she wondered if she would ever be able to peel herself off that wall, Lisa really had a hard time registering what had happened only a couple of hours earlier. She and Michael had gotten married. Again.

After he had put that beautiful ring on her finger, he had dragged her downstairs and had asked Reverend Al, flat-out, to do it immediately. Michael was one-hundred percent serious and Lisa had felt drugged – emotionally speaking. Beyond exhilarated.

At first the reverend had seemed puzzled, but not completely surprised. He had known Michael for decades and he might have been used to his headstrong attitude whenever his mind was set on something. When he had agreed to officiate the wedding, the reverend had also asked Lisa and Michael if they wanted to announce their intentions to the other guests.

They had stared at each other without any words. He had held her hand and brought it up and to his lips. Lisa had felt as if she was going to drown in his eyes. She hadn’t stopped looking at Michael when she had spoken, even though her words were still directed to the reverend.

“No… I think we wanna keep the whole thing private, for now…”

She knew how this needed to be done.

Lisa had always wanted a fairytale wedding, in general and mostly when it came to Michael. The white dress and the catering and the bouquet and all that stuff. She had always wanted to walk down the altar and find him there, waiting for her. But that had also never been their story.

If the first time they had gotten married in a hurry simply because they were so high on one another, so in need to prove that they wanted to be together, so fearless, this time the reason was different. This wedding had to be celebrated quietly and privately because Michael didn’t like to have many people around as of late. He tended to feel uneasy when too many eyes were on him. Lisa knew. She understood. She also saw the toll that the trial had taken on him. It didn’t matter that, that night, the ranch was only filled with people who were either family, friends or close acquaintances: Michael wouldn’t feel comfortable and needed some peace. He needed a fucking break from everything.

“Mike? Is that okay with you?” She had scanned his eyes. They were reddened, but lively. It was comforting. Too many times in the past year she had seen those eyes dimmed down, remote, sometimes only sorrowful.

“Yes… Please, Al. It’s something between Lisa and I only.”

Michael’s voice, low and husky, exhausted and yet full of life, had reached Lisa’s most inner cords, making her vibrate from the inside. What the heck was this? Had he hypnotized her or something? She had always known that she was head over heels in love with him, but this was even worse than she remembered. She was completely lost in him.

And there was also something else. At one point through the years, when he had made her feel disposable without really thinking of her in those terms, Lisa had thought that Michael marrying her had mainly been a public relations stunt. That he wanted to parade her around as if she was some kind of trophy. A prize that he could show off as pleased. Yes, they were good when they fucked each other brain’s out, but why in the world would he want to marry her? As a matter of fact, her fear in that department was so gigantic and deeply rooted that her mother had hammered on it mercilessly, for years. After all, when you’re a hammer, everything you see is a nail. And so Priscilla had kept going and going, whispering in Lisa’s ear relentlessly. Telling her that all Michael wanted was her womb and the prestige that came with her name.

If at first Priscilla’s tricks hadn’t worked at all, in the end those words had managed to spread their venomous seeds inside of Lisa. The seeds had become poison ivy and they had ended up strangling her hope and trust in the people that she and Michael could become. Together, as a unit.

But what about now? The old Lisa would have thought that Michael wanted to keep their relationship clandestine once again, pretty much like it had happened after their divorce. That he was ashamed of being seen with her in public, that she was nothing but a good lay to him. She had certainly been on that train of thoughts in the past. Well, at least after that first exhilarating after-divorce phase. When they would be holding hands and kissing in front of the cameras, or even going on vacation together without even pretending to hide. When they had gotten involved again despite him being married to his incubator. Then, for years afterward, Lisa and Michael had kept meeting, fucking, loving each other, breaking up and making up without the press getting a whiff of it.

Once again, she had thought that he didn’t want to be seen with her, while in fact he only wanted to live their relationship in peace. He had told her more than once. She hadn’t been able to believe him back then.

Now she finally did.

The switch had been flicked when Michael had promised to marry her the very moment his trial would be over and he would be free, not wanting to put the stigma on her. How had he called it? Oh, right. The scarlet letter. As if she cared about what others thought of her.

And yet, it had been the most powerful declaration of love that Lisa could have ever received from him. Or anyone else, for that matter. It had utterly shifted her perspective on… hell, everything! Him. Herself. What she and Michael shared.

Earlier that night, when he had told her that he wanted the wedding to happen immediately, at first she hadn’t even taken him seriously. He couldn’t be for real. He had to be in shock or delusional. She had seen how drained and disenchanted he was after the verdict, no matter the tears – and it made all the sense in the world. At times, Lisa wondered how he had even been able to survive.

His first reaction to her pregnancy hadn’t been one of the best either. He had seemed stunned, but not in that exhilarated, high manner that she had seen in the past, in those rare occasions when she had thought they might be expecting a baby. High hopes crashing to the ground and burning each and every single time. She had never become pregnant with him – until now. And she had to admit that his silence, his inability to fully express how he felt about the whole thing, had hurt her. Lisa hadn’t told him, of course not, but still… She had wondered. Earlier that night, when he had put that beautiful ring on her finger, she had wondered.

Was he doing it because of the baby? Because he felt it was his duty to make an honest woman out of her, now?

Lisa knew that Michael had seen the doubt in her eyes. And his answer had once again been adamant, as if all of a sudden he had been awakened by some sort of long sleep. Her own personal Sleeping Beauty.

His thoughts seemed to be so in tune with hers now. And in a sleight of hand, his eyes also had started to look more vibrant, more similar to the way they were… before. Before the world tried to break him. And she had known that he truly wanted this kid just as much as she did, that he was no longer detached. Whatever had been holding him back had finally let go of him.

That was why she had said yes. She wanted to marry Michael again – right now, in a hurry, if that was what he wanted. At that point in time, Lisa would have done everything to make the man she had always loved feel better. To help him heal. To help him reconstruct his existence.

She understood why he needed for their marriage to be something that only involved the two of them. The rest of the world could wait for a bit. And yes, he was right. Nothing was the way it used to be. Everything had changed.

And everyone.

The wedding ceremony had lasted maybe fifteen minutes, like the very first time, when they had gotten married in the Dominican Republic. His night stubble breaking through and his tie loosened, Michael had apologized to Lisa for not looking at his best. She had told him that she didn’t care, that she loved him just the way he was. That to her, he was the most handsome man in the world.

It was the truth.

His eyes had turned soft, once again unintelligible – and then he had asked Reverend Al to proceed. A couple of people from Michael’s security detail being there as best men had worked just fine and, when he and Lisa had walked back into the salon, nobody had realized anything of what had transpired. They were just happy that Michael was back after being absent from his own party for hours.

When the guests finally left, it was past midnight and he was beyond drained. Just standing by the fireplace with a glass of wine in his hand. There weren’t even flames to watch, and yet he seemed lost in thought.

Lisa had touched his shoulder.

“You’re exhausted. Let’s go to bed. Let me make sure you get some sleep tonight.” She had scanned his face, her expression worried. “You need to rest, baby.”

Michael had squinted his eyes.

“I’m sure I’ll sleep just fine.” He had placed the glass on the mantelpiece and then he had taken her hand. “Come.”

And now he was all over her.

It had stunned her to have him push her against the wall the very moment he had shut the door to their bedroom. She hadn’t even had the time to turn the lights on and, despite the darkness not being complete, it had taken her eyes a while to get used to the sudden lack of light. Her other senses, on the other hand, were on overload. Blinded.

The wine in his breath, his amazing taste, the feel of his skin, the touch of his hands. Lisa no longer knew where she ended and Michael began. She had missed him so much in the past week, when more than anything she would have needed the comfort of his body and heart. He had been so far away. But how could she blame him? Despite her best efforts, she would never be able to fully understand the wringer he had been put through or how long it would take for him to fully restore himself.

However, it comforted her to know that he still wanted her, longed for her. Michael had always been a master at keeping his thoughts and feelings concealed whenever he felt that it was necessary. Still, there were parts of him that had never been able to lie to her: his eyes, and his body. Now, even in that semi-darkness, she saw him stare at her, his breath ragged as he slowly pulled down the zipper of her dress.

“I missed you, Lise… So much.”

Framing his face with both hands, she kissed him, tilting her head to a side, allowing her tongue to invade his mouth as his hand traveled down her naked back and breached the barrier of her skimpy underwear. She sucked on his tongue and his hips started to move against her. It was almost a conditioned response. Yes, he had missed her, alright. It occurred to her that maybe he hadn’t touched her because he was so afraid that he wouldn’t be able to do it anymore if something went wrong.

But it hadn’t happened. The trial was over and he was free. She was there, and she was his.

When he let her panties slide down her legs in that slow, torturous way that she adored, she realized that she was shaking. She didn’t even know why, but this felt so different than usual. There was something in the way Michael’s body pressed against her, in the way his hips rocked, making her feel every inch of his arousal. In the way his warm breath scalded her neck in between kisses. It was as if he was already inside of her.

Her hands slightly trembling, she reached down and started to unbutton his pants, then pulled down his zipper.

“Baby… Oh, damn… Here you are… Let me make this better… Here…”

Her hand dipped into his pants and her eyes rolled back in ecstasy. She could almost taste him. Almost…

Lisa didn’t know if it was because of the hormones or the exhilaration of the moment, but she was already out of control.

“Lise… Lisa. Shit. You drive me crazy…”

She did? Well, great!

Whimpering, she kissed him again.

Michael crouched down in front of her, at first just kissing her still flat belly through the thin fabric of her dress. Repeatedly and reverently. Taking the time to worship what he knew was his, too. Lisa’s eyes started to burn. Her baby bump wasn’t there yet, but soon would be. To imagine that he would be by her side through the whole process was just…

His strong hands touched her legs, caressing from her calves up to her thighs, moving around and grabbing her ass. Lisa’s thinking ability pretty much pulverized. Despite not having had a drop of alcohol, she felt almost drunk.

“Lise… I gotta do this. Open those beautiful legs for me…”

Her head started to spin and, in the desperate attempt to support herself against the onslaught of pleasure that was about to run over her, she held onto him. One hand rested on his head, the other grasped his shoulder. She stroked his hair, tenderly.

Michael pulled her close and his mouth found her, caressing her with slow, strong licks. Lisa sighed, then her fingers dug into his shoulder the moment she heard him moan his pleasure against her skin.

“Oh, God… Fuck…” Her head fell back against the wall, as Michael kept stroking her, fucking her with his tongue. “Yeah… Please.”

His mouth remained very close to her pulsing flesh when he spoke.

“Damn… You taste like heaven, baby girl.” He stood up again, biting his lip. “Let’s move this over to the bed… I wanna love you properly.”

The tone was so commanding that she couldn’t help but smile. And it was such an honest, carefree smile that his eyebrows sprung up and he too grinned.

“What?”

Lisa grabbed his head, kissing him. Tasting herself on his lips.

“Nothing. I just love it when my husband tells me that he wants to fuck me just the right way.”

The words came out so naturally to her that they both stopped cold. And it truly, fully dawned on them. What they had done, and what they were once again.

“You’re my wife…”

There was almost a hint of wonder in his voice. Lisa touched his lips with her fingertips and he kissed them.

“I am.”

“Finally.”

Blinking, she nodded her head.

“…Yeah.”

Yeah, finally. Unexpectedly. And yet it was fateful. She knew there was a part of herself that had never stopped feeling that way. His wife. No matter what, and even when things seemed hopeless. And maybe it had always been about nothing but that: hope. Her hope that, just like her love for him, just would not die.

Michael picked her up without breaking eye-contact, and she grasped the collar of his shirt as he started walking toward the bed.

Hours later, Lisa traced Michael’s spine with her fingers. She loved how slick his skin still was. She had never had any particular appreciation for sweaty men, they kind of grossed her out, but since the very first time she and Michael had made love, she had realized that feeling him perspire against her boiling hot skin was a huge turn-on for her.

She adored when he lost control, when she managed to make him lose his head. When every mask dropped and the man hiding behind it emerged. When Michael no longer felt inhibited, when he knew that he could trust her with his body, his heart.

And surely, that night he had lost control like it hadn’t happened in ages. Lisa was still breathless and at one point she had begged him to stop, to give her time to recover. He had been insatiable, making her come several times with his tongue, his hands, his cock. She had loved every single minute of it and that was what she considered a baptism of fire. If their first night as a newly married couple was a testament to how things were going to go from now on, she had no doubts that nothing in the world would be able to separate them again.

They had matured. They had changed.

Everything had.

Speaking of which, Michael’s eyes were now studying her and there was a different light in them. It was dimmed down, but definitely there. And it burned her.

He was lying on his stomach, his sweaty hair wild, revealing his long sideburns and that night stubble that finally was fully visible. He still looked exhausted, but also replenished. Lisa knew that he really needed to rest, but when Michael was in one of his moods there was no point in trying to divert his focus. In the past three or four hours, his only attention had been devoted to making her forget her own name. Making her forget to breathe.

Making love to him had been beyond intense, both physically and emotionally. She needed a moment to recover – in so many different ways.

“You okay?”

Of course, he had guessed her thoughts.

“Yeah…”

“I didn’t hurt you, did I…”

“You only hurt me in just the right way, baby.”

Michael smiled, reaching out and playing with her long hair. As he did so, he kept staring at her and Lisa turned to him fully, scooting closer to his body. Needing to feel the heat emanating from him.

“I just wanna make sure we don’t… You know, we don’t do anything to lose this baby. I can’t risk that.”

Lisa laughed, and yet it felt almost forced. As of late, Michael would express all kinds of fears of losing people, of people he loved leaving. Of course he did, given that up until earlier that day he had been the one at risk of losing himself and everything he had. And yet she knew that she had to be capable of keeping up a strong, confident facade just as much as he did. Tame his fears – because they were beasts, they were on the prowl, and at times they had to be muzzled.

“We ain’t gonna lose our baby because we make love, Mike…”

“Yeah, but we went a little wild. Sorry about that… I lost my mind.”

“And I loved every minute of it. You know it, daddy. Lose your mind whenever you want… As long as you only do it with me.”

She winked at him and Michael seemed to relax a little.

“Are you sure it’s all good in there?”

“Yes, Michael. All is perfectly fine. Our baby is here. And in about seven months, you’re gonna see her.”

“Him.”

“Nah, it’s a girl. I can tell.”

Michael squinted his eyes.

“It’s a boy. You’ll see.”

“For now, I only see that you still can be a bit of an arrogant prick. It’s a girl.”

She was joking, of course, and he laughed.

Then he turned, coming to rest on his side, facing her. His eyes were serious again.

“Lisa… I am so sorry.”

“About what, baby?”

“About being so… Absent, I guess. I know that I didn’t take care of you like I should have done since you told me that we’ll have this child. I am sorry. I was paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do.”

Her smile faded. She touched his face, lovingly. Her hand just resting on his cheek.

“It’s okay…”

“No, it isn’t. But I need to explain… I need to let you know why it happened.”

She could see that he was struggling. That this talking things out was already becoming extremely taxing for him. She didn’t want him to get too stressed out. Her fingertips moved to his lips.

“But I do know.” Scooting closer, she replaced her fingers with her lips, kissing him lightly. “I know what’s in your heart. You don’t need to say anything unless you really want to.”

Michael exhaled a deep breath. His eyes seemed to calm down, as if he knew that she was telling the truth.

“…Because you’re worried about me, aren’t you?”

Well… Apparently, there wasn’t much that she could hide from him, even when she didn’t speak up. Lisa gave him a weak smile, shaking her head. Not uttering a word.

“You’re worried that I will never be the same again. You’re afraid that they broke me.”

“No, I know they didn’t break you. You’re the strongest man I know. Underneath it all… This pain, this disappointment… I feel you’re still you.”

“They got very close, though… And I don’t know…” Michael leaned his forehead against hers. “…If you hadn’t come back to me, I have no idea how…”

He closed his mouth and swallowed the moment he saw the tears in her eyes. And immediately after, his eyes too started to well up. It was inevitable. It was the dam finally collapsing and it had to happen at one point or another. They held onto each other as if they were fighting against a storm, and Michael kissed her tears away. It only made Lisa cry more – the fact that he had to be the one comforting her.

He rolled over, bringing her on top of him fully. His arms closing around her torso as she hid her face in the hollow of his neck and finally allowed herself to let go.

“But you’re here now, baby girl… You’re here now…” He whispered, his hands running up and down her back. “I’ll get better. Everything will get better. Please… stop crying.”

They stayed like that for minutes, just regaining some semblance of composure. Then Lisa slowly lifted her torso, using his solid chest as leverage. She needed to see his eyes again.

“Michael… I need you to be okay again. I swear…”

“I know.”

“I really do… It’d kill me, if you…”

“I know… I know…”

“Well then…” She stroked his chest. “Are you ready to do everything that needs to be done to get better? Not for me. Never for me. For yourself.”

“And for you too. And our baby.” He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he gently traced the side of her body with his finger. Her hip. Her waist. The slope of her breast. He detected goosebumps on her skin. “I think I need some help, you know. I realize that I am not well. I haven’t been in quite a long time. And I wanna be.”

“Look, I’m no professional, but… Anyone who has gone through what you have been going through needs all the support they can get. And if you feel you really wanna do this, I’m here. I’m with you. I’ll help you any way I can. Because I love you, and I can’t even imagine my life without you.”

“And because we all deserve better than this…” His hand covered her stomach. “Lisa, Lisa… Can’t you see it? This is our chance. Right here. Our beautiful chance. It’s growing… This baby will soon be born. We owe him, or her, to be the best we can be.”

Sitting up fully, Lisa intertwined her fingers with his and brought his hand up to her mouth, looking at him. Her eyes, hooded and bright, had always held Michael captive in the best possible way and this time wasn’t any different. She knew that he was serious and she knew that he was right. At the same time, she needed him to start his healing process as soon as possible. Even now, somehow, someway, with her help. She needed to unburden him. She didn’t know if she could, but she sure was going to try her hardest.

“And you’ll get there… I trust you with this…” She held the palm of his hand against her cheek, leaning into his touch. “Michael… I trust you like I haven’t done in years. I trust us.”

“You do?”

There it was, that glint of hope. Every single cell inside of Michael wanted to live. She could tell. Underneath it all, despite his ego and faith in the world being battered and bruised, he indeed was the most resilient and optimistic man Lisa had ever known.

“I do… Baby… I hope you get what I mean when I say that we’re in a wonderful place right now despite all that has happened. Or at least I think we can be. We just have to…”

As she spoke, his thumb traced her bottom lip and his hips pushed up slightly, suggestively. Lisa’s eyes closed for a moment. She understood the silent message. She knew his body by heart and could decipher his Morse code just right. Yes. He too thought that they were in a beautiful place as a couple.

Her lips parted and she sucked his finger into her mouth, her eyes tethered to his. Michael swallowed and his other hand came around her hips, reaching for her ass, his fingers spreading there and holding her in place.

“Lisa…”

She let go of his finger, but still held his hand close to her face.

“Yeah…”

“I need you… So damn much… I missed you…”

She knew the feeling. Sitting in his lap didn’t exactly hide his desire for her. Her hips swayed and her eyelids lowered. Her gaze seemed to turn glassy.

“Damn, baby… You’re so fucking hard again…”

It was so easy to get sidetracked… And so relieving.

Lisa scooted back ever so slightly. She took his hand and brought it down on himself. Only then, she was finally able to break eye-contact with him. Her gaze dropped the moment she felt him grabbing himself. She exhaled. This was beyond insane – the desire she felt for this man. She was hypnotized by his movements – by the way his fingers closed around his steel, his fluid motions, the muscles of his lower abdomen contracting, his breathing – already uneven.

“Come here…” His voice was raspy. “Put it back at its place.”

A rush of adrenaline pervaded her, as if she had just jumped into a pool of hot water. Her small hand covering his bigger one for a moment, just following his movements while gripping him tighter, and she rose. Taking him in once again. Taking him home. The moment she sat down, the intoxicating mixture of pleasure and pain forced a moan out of her. His long sigh was the best reward.

When she started swaying on him, when she welcomed him fully into her body, Lisa hoped that she would be able to shelter and protect him for eternity. And a day.

Without Michael, it was as if her entire was effectively cut in half. And he was right. With a baby about to be born, they needed to get rid of the stench of the past. In all the ways that counted.

UCLA Birthplace, Los Angeles – March 2006

Michael catapulted himself into the corridor and Wayne did his best to look nonchalant as he tagged along. Despite his boss pretty much ordering him to stay in the car and wait for him, he had disobeyed. There was no way in the world he would allow Michael to go alone. Not even in the hospital where his wife – and his soon-to-be-born baby – had been admitted earlier that day.

Besides, Michael was frantic and he hadn’t been able to stand still in the car, on their way over to UCLA Health. Wayne had quietly listened to his constant mumbling, as if Michael was talking to himself. He had been relentless. He had kept repeating, non-stop, how it was even possible that everything had spiraled so out of control the only time he had left the house for more than half a day.

Experience and many years as Michael’s head of security told Wayne that trying to reason with the boss when he was in that state was pointless. Michael was panicking and, in a way, Wayne could even understand why. Mr. Jackson had never been really the same after the trial.

The only thing he had told Michael was that Mrs. Presley-Jackson was in good hands. After all, they had chosen a hospital that was famous for its top-level service in high-risk pregnancy care.

“Mr. Jackson… Mr. Jackson…” The nurse walking by Wayne’s side kept her voice calm and collected, but Wayne could tell that she was flustered. She was also out of breath. “Fifth door on the left…”

Michael didn’t even turn. He reached for the door, his hand pressing against the surface, and stilled his movements. His head dropped for a second, then he spoke.

“Thank you. Please… Stay here. Don’t come in unless it’s strictly necessary.”

Licking his lips, he pushed the door handle and entered the postpartum room that had been set up for Lisa.

Lisa, who had managed to give birth to their child – a baby boy – ten days before she was due, while Michael was in Canada, closing a business deal that was supposed to be a warranty for a different future. Their different future.

Deep down, Michael knew that he shouldn’t have gone. Of course, he would have never wanted her to go with him either – not because he didn’t want her around but because he was not comfortable in having her fly for hours that late into her pregnancy. But he too should have just postponed the damn thing. He wasn’t even supposed to be there, he had taken the whole month off for a fucking reason. Of course, his business partner didn’t give a damn about Michael’s priorities. And of course, Michael had wavered because no matter what, some mechanisms were still utterly ingrained in his DNA.

But also, Lisa had insisted. She had told Michael to go and not worry about her. That she was fine and everything was under control. That she and the baby would wait for him. After all, Michael would be back in less than a week, right? Five days, to be precise. And the baby certainly wasn’t going to be in a hurry all of a sudden.

Like hell!

The very day that Michael had planned to come back, Lisa had started to bleed and she just would not stop. Given how pig-headed she was, he was not in the least surprised that she hadn’t gone to the hospital right away, let alone that she hadn’t told him. But then, hours later, she had been admitted at UCLA because the hemorrhage seemed unstoppable.

At that point, Michael had already jumped on a plane and was flying back to the States. He knew that he still had the luxury of making a plane fly just by snapping his fingers and that was going to buy him some time. But not enough. While he was flying over the ocean, Lisa was giving birth to their baby.

“Michael…”

“What?”

She walked out of the bathroom, her prominent belly in full display under the thin fabric of her robe. She was ready for bed, but also the sexiest thing that he had ever seen in his life. Six months into her pregnancy, Lisa looked like a dream come true.

“I think I found the name.”

He was sitting up in bed, reading a book, but all of a sudden nothing was more interesting than what she had to say.

“You did?”

He was not sure. Since they had found out that they were going to have a baby boy, Michael and Lisa had not been able to agree on the name. Michael didn’t know why, since as of late he and his wife had been so in tune about everything else. Well, perfection also resided in imperfection – and he could tolerate the constant bantering about the various Joseph, William, Jeremy, Matthew and so on.

However, tonight there was a glint in her eyes that told him that Lisa really thought she had found the Holy Grail. Michael doubted it, and was pretty sure that eventually he would be the one coming up with the right name, but was more than eager to listen to her anyway.

“Yes.”

Lisa sat on the side of the bed and took his hand. Her other hand came to rest on her belly.

“You wanna hear it?”

He laughed.

“Yeah. Unless you wanna let it simmer a little longer, baby girl. You seem to be having so much fun right now.”

Playfully, she slapped his hand. Then she brought it up to her lips and kissed his knuckles. It was his left hand and he noticed his wedding ring sparkle in the semi-darkness. The feeling he got was one of pure warmth and completeness.

“I was thinking… Logan.”

Michael’s eyes narrowed.

“Logan?”

“Logan. And you can pick whatever second name you like.”

Well… That was… Unexpected. His interest piqued.

“What does it mean? I know you know.”

“What?”

“Logan. I am sure you know the meaning of the name.”

Lisa laughed and squeezed his hand.

“Of course I do. It means “descendant of the warrior” and you know… That’s who he is. Our baby. Because his daddy is the strongest fighter I know.”

Michael swallowed and stayed perfectly still as Lisa played with his fingers. She was clearly nervous. She let a moment go by, just waiting for him to say something, anything. But he didn’t utter a word. His vocal cords had become numb. Yes, he knew. Despite his efforts, despite this sudden perfection, he still had a long way to go.

“Mike… If you don’t like it, I mean… We can-”

“It’s perfect.” He sat up fully, framing her beautiful face with both hands. Drowning in her eyes. “It’s the perfect name.”

Logan.

Logan Christopher Jackson-Presley was now officially part of this world. And Michael hadn’t been by Lisa’s side during the delivery.

When Michael had found out, it had been the first time that he had cried since the day of the verdict. He had sobbed out of frustration and also because, when he had been told that the baby was fine and Lisa was okay, he was relieved.

Too bad that, the moment he had landed in Los Angeles, the first thing he had discovered was that Lisa’s condition had worsened in the past couple of hours, while he was pretty much gearing up to see her and his newborn son. On the airplane, he had tried to keep himself occupied for the whole time. He had been busy ordering flowers and chocolate for his wife. Stuff to be delivered to her room while he got there. He couldn’t know that, while he made those phone calls, Lisa was undergoing a pelvic exam to find the cause of the hemorrhage. That her blood was being tested for infection and anemia. It was only while he was leaving the airport that one of Lisa’s doctors had finally been able to call him, letting him know that Lisa’s blood loss during and after birth had been severe enough to recommend a transfusion.

The time and space between that conversation and Michael finally entering Lisa’s room had felt nothing but a blur. Dilated forever, yet so fleeting.

And when he finally saw her there, he realized that his heart was up in his throat and his legs were shaking. It also occurred to him that he had no idea of how he would find her – if passed out, asleep, or what. And thank God, thank God she was awake. Worn out, pale, seemingly smaller in that big-ass hospital bed, but awake. Clear-minded and present in the moment. Even though those dark circles around her eyes almost made her look as if someone had punched her in the face.

Michael felt like crying again and Lisa just smiled at him, in that crooked way that – in different circumstances – would have made him laugh.

“Come here, baby… Come here…” She patted the mattress and he walked over to her, letting his suddenly heavy body collapse on the chair nearby. “I am so sorry I couldn’t wait for you… I tried. But he was in a hurry.”

He. Their precious little baby boy.

His warm hands closed on her smaller one. Her skin felt cold and Lisa looked as if she had just gone through the wringer. Not tolerating to see her like that any longer, Michael rested his forehead against the back of her hand. When he felt her caressing his hair, he squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed back the tears now seriously threatening to spill.

“Did you see our son yet?”

“No, Lise… I ran straight to you. I needed to make sure you were okay. And I wish I had been here with you, I wish… I hadn’t left at all.”

It was true in so many ways.

Lisa kept stroking his hair.

“Shush, it’s fine. It’s all good…Welcome home, baby.”

He had to admire her strength. Her tone was soft and her voice hoarse. As if she had screamed to the point of permanently damaging her vocal cords. Maybe it had been like that. He wished that he could have been there, by her side, comforting her, exploding with joy at the first sight of their baby coming to the world. He also knew that the moment was now lost in time and would never be granted again. And that Lisa was doing her best to soften the blow. His stomach dropped.

“Lisa…” Michael finally mustered the courage to look up and found her eyes staring back at him. “I was so fucking scared. So deadly afraid to lose you.”

“I’m here. And I’m okay. It was just… I’m just a bit anemic, that’s all. But I’ll get better before you even know it. Ask the doctors. I know you’re anal-retentive when it comes to this stuff. Ask them, Michael. They’ll tell you.”

Sniffling, he had to laugh at her gentle effort to be a goofball just for him.

“Come here, girl…” He rose from the chair and sat on the bed. Leaning down and seeking her lips. “Let me kiss you. I love you so darn much.”

“I love you too.” Her cold hand on his cheek was his compass. “I really do love you, Mike. Like crazy.”

She broke the kiss and pulled back, examining his face.

“I got your flowers, by the way. And those pralines I adore. They’re in my room… They’ll move me back there later tonight, I think.”

“Okay…” His voice was nothing but an exhausted whisper. The truth was that he would have tried to snatch the moon from the sky, if only Lisa had asked.

“Hey… Why don’t you go get Logan? They’ve been waiting for you in the nursery, anyway. I told them – My husband will be here in no time, and my son is gonna see his daddy.” Her eyes softened. “And I was right. I knew you would come.”

Five minutes later, Michael left Lisa’s room in a daze. Even years later, he only vaguely recalled walking all the way down the corridor, turning the corner, reaching the nursery. He remembered the nurses fawning over him and him not paying attention to them and then, with much more clarity, he remembered seeing his baby for the very first time. His caramel skin, his dark curls, his little chubby hands.

The next thing he thought about was how happy the other kids would be. He missed them all, and wanted to have them all around. But before that, before that moment came, he needed a minute. Just a minute to regroup. To assess how his world had suddenly found its axis again, as if Lisa’s presence by his side hadn’t been enough.

Logan was the embodiment of Michael’s and Lisa’s best qualities and traits. A miracle manifested, bloomed in a moment when the world was a very, very dark place.

Only then, only when his eyes found those of his son, Michael remembered to breathe.

Which was something that his therapist would always say to him. The professional Michael had been seeing for the past six months. A guy who Michael had slowly started to trust with his hang-ups or – the way doctor Wells defined them – his trauma. His post-traumatic stress disorder, more specifically.

“Breathe, Michael. Breathe in, breathe out. Let it go.”

Which was way easier said than done. Yet, at that very moment right there, caught in the sheer and undiluted happiness of seeing a lifelong dream finally become real, breathing became suddenly the most natural thing to do for him. It became what it was supposed to be all along. That little person in the crib, his dark skin contrasting with what looked like Lisa’s eyes, made it all worth it.