Unraveling – Chapter 15

Chapter 15 – Take shelter

Their timing sucked! Always! It had been that way in the past, and sure as hell it still was that way – even after all these years. However, this specific instance had surpassed every fathomable scenario.

Lisa had been so absorbed in her sudden burst of courage that she had totally overlooked that thing forming only a few miles away from their car. And Michael was right: it was definitely a tornado!

Of course, she recognized it right away the moment she truly focused on the clouds of debris quickly moving in their direction. In Memphis, the city she was born in, tornadoes were enough of a threat that even little kids were taught about them in primary school. In fact, tornado winds were very common in the State, dangerous and unpredictable and the whole Memphis area was included in the so-called Dixie Alley, that southeastern part of the USA that had a higher risk of developing them. She vaguely remembered the ones that had struck Tennessee in the spring of 1974, destroying everything on their path. She was nothing but a little kid back then, but she still recalled the havoc.

So why hadn’t she noticed the signs, now? Maybe because her mind as a whole had been engrossed in what felt like a breakthrough of some sort or perhaps, more rationally, because the most vicious tornadoes tended to happen during spring, and not summer. Not all the time, of course – but it was a moot point because there it was, anyway.

Michael and Lisa stared at each other for a moment, then he pushed on the gas pedal and made a sudden U-turn on the desert road, propelling her back against her seat.

“Whoa!” She held herself to the car door. “Are you out of your mind?”

He started to speed off in the opposite direction. Which meant back to the house.

“Not really. I’ve read that tornadoes move pretty fast… they can reach up to sixty miles per hour in some cases… Did you know that?”

“Yeah, but they can also be stationary! Mike – slow the fuck down!”

Michael glanced into the rear-view mirror.

“Does that thing look stationary to you?”

Lisa turned. Yeah, well…

“No.”

“Then brace yourself. We’re going back.”

Lisa swallowed. Michael sounded inexplicably calm, but that was very much part of the man he had become after the trial. Way less excitable than he used to be.

Pushing aside all thoughts about their relationship for a moment, once again she was hit by the same dilemma: how was it even possible that they had been unable to see that thing before it fully formed?

It was a silly question, really. The truth was that tornadoes could only be predicted to a limited extent, and absolutely nothing had signaled any danger up until a few minutes earlier. Plus, she and Michael had followed the rules and hadn’t checked the Internet – nor the news – in the past couple of days. If the TV had spoken about it, if the forecasters had seen that thing in advance and there had been a tornado warning, she and Michael didn’t know.

However, there was no doubt now that they had to go back to the mansion – and fast. The eerie silence that had accompanied the first part of their trip to the airport had been replaced by the unmistakable sound that always accompanied supercell thunderstorms: even with the car windows closed shut, Lisa could hear the noise. It reminded her of a jet engine, or a freight train, and was getting increasingly louder. Which meant that the storm was moving closer. She could only hope that the tornado would deviate in another direction, but in all frankness, she was not sure.

Then it started to rain again. It had stopped, before Michael spotted the thing – because probably they had driven straight into the rain-free portion of the supercell. But now, as they moved away from the updraft region, they were also out of the “calm before the storm” area – and it showed.

“What the hell!” Michael slowed down the car as the windshield wipers began to move furiously, trying to get rid of the buckets of water coming their way. He glanced at Lisa quickly. “You okay, baby girl? You scared?”

Lisa was about to reply that yes – she was scared. But suddenly it occurred to her that, whenever Michael was with her, it was as if some protective aura descended upon them. She had always believed that he had that power. Since she had first fallen in love with him, he had had that effect on her. He made her feel safe. He made her feel secure, as if nothing bad could ever happen to them. As long as they were together and could have each other’s back, they would be okay.

“I’m good… I’m sure we’ll be able to get back to the house before that thing strikes…” She touched his arm, briefly. “I’m not scared. Please don’t worry about me.”

He kept staring at the road. Then he pushed on the gas pedal again and grinned.

“That’s right. I never have to worry. You’re a lioness. Always have been.”

“Then I guess every lioness has her lion.”

“Corny.”

“You taught me well.”

They laughed, a bit dryly. What else could they do? And yet, that had always been one of their biggest talents. To be able to laugh together, to make fun of shit. It had always helped them keep going, even when the whole world seemed to be against them. And even when tornadoes decided to cross their path, seemed like.

“Mike?”

“Yes, baby? …Damn, I feel like Alice in Wonderland.”

She had to admire how soft and controlled his whole demeanor still was, even though they were driving through a thunderstorm and even though he knew well that the tornado was headed straight in their direction. The morning was gone. It was as if someone had shut off the light. It was broad daylight, and yet it felt like night.

“What about you… You really think we’re gonna make it?”

The question was open and vague enough to leave space to free interpretations. Of course, she was no longer only talking about the weather. Maybe her mind was starting to short-circuit.

Michael stayed quiet for a long time, to the point that Lisa started to believe that he would never answer. All the while, she thought about how their portion of the world seemed to be trapped in some bizarre slow motion in so many ways. How long till they could go back into what no doubt looked like a pretty sturdy mansion? They had no other choice. The house was in the countryside, it was secluded – but Lisa had to believe that it could resist the storm. After all, it was a historical mansion and that meant that it had to have gone through similar events before, right?

“I was mad at you last night, you know. At least to a certain extent. You were right, earlier. But I had to think about it… because I don’t think I had realized it until you asked me.”

Lisa turned to look at him. Everything else was strangely forgotten for a moment. She didn’t interrupt him, not wanting to spoil this moment.

“Deep down, I have to admit that I resented you in a way. Because you wouldn’t really forgive me, despite somehow showing me that you had… But mostly…” He shook his head ever so slightly. Staring into the rear-view mirror again, he set his jaw and pushed on the gas pedal a little more. “…Mostly for parading those men ’round when you and I weren’t together. Years ago. I mean… I know that it wasn’t just you, Lise. That I too saw other women, slept with them… But I never shoved it in your face. I always tried to keep it private. What I did…”

Oh, he was talking about the past. Stuff that had happened a lifetime ago… Stuff that evidently still mattered to him.

“How does this have anything to do with what happened last night?”

She wasn’t even mad, just genuinely curious. She had to ask. And the tone in her voice had to tell him that he could talk to her. That he could trust her.

“I don’t know. It’s stupid, I know.”

“It’s not stupid. It’s the way you feel. Please, continue…” Lisa pointed at the road. “Careful – there’s a rock over there.”

“Saw it. I got this.”

Michael avoided the obstacle in quite a smooth way.

“I was irritated. I wanted you, so darn much… but I wasn’t sure you too wanted me until you truly gave in. And it made me angry to have to… you know, kinda try to win you back, in some way, when it was always so easy for you to reel me back in whenever we would get back together.”

Lisa frowned.

“Is that how you felt about that?” She was sincerely taken aback by his words. How weird it was, that he had spoken that way. It had always seemed the opposite to her. “I always thought you were quite hard to impress. Me, on the other hand… I was always the easy one… You always held such power over me… It was like being spellbound. I couldn’t get away from you. At times, I couldn’t even breathe… Maybe you forgot how I was back then, but I didn’t.”

Michael didn’t comment, but his face turned pensive, and perhaps a bit sad. There was so much that he had forgotten about himself since the trial. How formidable he could be, how potent, how strong. How mesmerizing. And Lisa was telling him that she was the living, breathing proof of all that beautiful power.

“But I get it, you know. Those men… They helped me carry on somehow. They filled the void that I would always feel when you didn’t want me.”

“I always wanted you.”

“Come on, you know what I mean. When you acted like you didn’t want me… Better? Or when I was the one trying to not want you. Before I met you, you know… It wasn’t like that for me. I had never experienced such intensity before you entered my life like… like…”

“Like a tornado?” He gave her a sad, lopsided grin. “But that was you, Lise. That was always you.”

“What?”

“The storm that changed everything I was.”

God… How did he manage to accomplish that? And how could she even think that she could be without him?

She sighed.

“You felt like I was punishing you, didn’t you? That I got a kick out of brushing you off.”

“Ah, I don’t know about that. I’m not sure. I can’t always make out how I feel. It’s all become a big, fat bubble of… something. Of lots of things, really.”

Yeah, she knew exactly the feeling.

Michael slowed down the car and started to turn into the small, private road that led to the mansion. The rainstorm was so thick that they could barely make out the outline of the house, at this point probably only a couple of minutes away from where they stood.

“But Mike, I wasn’t… Holy shit, watch out!”

He pushed on the brakes so hard and so quickly that Lisa felt her heart jump up in her throat. The SUV stopped abruptly.

A tree had fallen under the immense violence of the wind, and drenched branches occupied the road, making it impossible to drive through. Unless they had a tank, which just wasn’t the case.

“Fuck!” He slammed both hands on the steering wheel. “Oh, hell. I gotta get out and move that stuff out of the way. We need to go back inside the house quick.”

Without even waiting for an answer, he pushed the driver’s door open and got out of the car. Lisa immediately unbuckled her seat belt and followed him outside. Michael was strong, but right now he needed help. They didn’t have much time left.

The wind slapped her in the face and Lisa narrowed her eyes, staring at the horizon. The rain-wrapped tornado could barely be made out, but once again its unmistakable sound signaled that it was likely way closer than they thought.

Turning over to Michael, she noticed that he was already soaked. In fact, he looked as if he had jumped in a pool without even taking his trench coat off. His hair was plastered to his head, and rain dripped from his chin as he removed the branches from the road, throwing them on the nearby lawn.

“I’m almost done,” he panted as he picked up a noticeably big pine log that looked pretty much ready for the fireplace. “Keep an eye on the road, baby. I don’t wanna have that thing whoop our asses while we’re still out here in the open.”

Lisa barely heard Michael’s voice in the swooshing of the wind. It was whistling and howling, like a wolf. She too did her best to get rid of the smaller branches, making the whole operation as quick as she could. The noise grew louder.

“Hurry up, Mike…”

“Relax, I told you got this… By the way, would you mind moving that cute little ass of yours?”

He playfully slapped her bottom as she bent over and Lisa squealed, wanting to strangle him. Wanting to kiss him until everything else was forgotten.

“There you go. Amazing… There’s only one left…”

Oh, he had saved the biggest one for last. That thing – made of wood, leaves and moss – was about as tall as he was. Unsurprisingly, Michael had no problem lifting it from the concrete. He started to drag it toward the side of the road and then, at one point, the wind struck again. It was as if invisible hands were pushing against that semi-trunk, forcing it to flip in Michael’s arms. Lisa heard the unmistakable sound of fabric being ripped and noticed the tear on his sleeve as he finally shoved the log off his body with a grunt.

“Come on…” He took her hand and stared at her. His eyes were huge and dark. “We need to take shelter now.”

She followed him back inside the car and watched him turn on the engine. The house appeared and disappeared just outside the windshield, like in some sort of magic. Lisa could barely make out its outlines.

One thing, however, she did see clearly – and it was the blood on Michael’s arm.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Lise. I’m fine.”

Damn.

He had felt the pain, but ignoring it had been easy as long as he was busy doing something that he knew to be way more important. Like that time when the bridge had collapsed while he was on top of it, about killing him in the process, and certainly fucking up his back for good. He had never been the same afterward, and maybe the medications that he had taken for the following couple of years had played a role in how careless and sloppy he had been, allowing disingenuous, duplicitous people to take advantage of him when he was at such a low point. Those same medications had also been pivotal in his last, nasty breakup with Lisa – before she finally came back to him, when the damage was already done.

But still, after that accident, right after having fallen to the ground in the midst of a show that was supposed to be a celebration, Michael had not given up. Instead of just staying there and waiting for an ambulance, he had climbed back on stage as if nothing had happened, without losing a beat, and he had finished his set.

Only afterward, backstage, he had allowed himself to truly assess his condition. Which was horrible.

He still remembered the pain – it had been so intense that it had almost brought tears to his eyes.

What he was experiencing now was not even comparable. It was nothing, it was a scratch. And he could barely feel it, given how focused he was on two things: first, he had to make sure that Lisa and himself were safe, and then he needed the resume the conversation they had so inexplicably begun having in the most unfavorable moment ever. During a darn thunderstorm.

Don’t be surprised, man. You and your girl have always been extravagant.

Yeah, that was also true. For once, his inner voice didn’t sound obnoxious at all. It was weird how things could change with a sleight of hand.

He managed to park the car right in front of the patio and jumped off, jogging around the vehicle and opening Lisa’s door. He grabbed her hand and dragged her toward the door with no tenderness whatsoever.

“Michael…”

Lisa tugged at his sleeve and he stopped. He turned.

“What?”

She was staring at something hiding underneath the porch swing. Which was rocking like crazy, too.

“Do you see what I see? I think there’s a… an animal there…”

She crouched down and stared at the little black furball that, inexplicably, had decided to hide underneath the most unstable piece of furniture out there. But it was also the only piece of furniture available on the patio, so it kind of made sense, since anything was better than nothing at the moment. Michael dropped onto his knees slowly.

“It’s a cat…”

He cocked his head to a side and met the animal’s huge green eyes. The cat was in complete shock, ears drawn back, pupils completely dilated, fur drenched. It was shaking.

He took a deep breath.

“Lise… Open the door. I’m gonna get this little thing and we’re gonna bring it inside with us.” Then he held out his hand. “Hello there… Come here, baby.”

The cat didn’t move. Those big green eyes shifted from Michael’s face to his welcoming hand.

Michael waited for a scratch or a hiss that never came. When the cat moved, it did so just to fly between his knees, looking for a refuge. He picked the animal up and held it against his chest with immense gentleness, then followed Lisa inside.

“Lise…” He weighed the cat in his hands. Nothing but skin, bones and a big belly. The purring sound, full of wonder and gratitude, reached him through his wet clothes and reverberated against his skin. It made him smile. Hadn’t he and Lisa come back, this defenseless creature would have probably been toast. “I think it’s a female… And she might be pregnant.”

“Yeah? Great. Fucking splendid…”

“Stop pretending you don’t care. You love animals and you would have never let her out there to fend for herself.”

Mumbling to herself, Lisa locked the door, then took Michael’s hand and quickly pulled him toward the living room, at the very center of the house. It was possibly the safest room, given that they hadn’t checked if the property included a safe shelter – and certainly weren’t going to go out and check now. She and Michael had closed all the shutters before leaving the mansion earlier that day, and she was glad they had. A little more protection would do no harm.

Looking over at Michael, Lisa noticed that he was standing by the huge oak table, calmly stroking the cat’s head. God… Was there anything else that this man could do, today, to make her fall even more in love with him?

Shaking her head and muttering to herself again, she pushed the two three-seat couches toward the center of the room, almost in a triangular position. The open side faced one of the internal walls. She threw cushions and a couple of blankets on the carpet, right between the sofas, and then sighed.

“Come here… Both of you.”

Michael gave her another one of his lopsided grins.

“You know what? I think we should keep her. And the babies. The kittens she’s about to have, that is. We have a lot of space at home and the kids are gonna be ecstatic.”

“How about we talk about it once this whole thing is done and over with?”

“I also think we should give her a name. What about Sassy?”

Lisa snorted and sat down.

“Michael, I’m fucking serious. Get your ass over here and lie down. And take Sassy with you.”

Smiling, knowing well that her hard exterior hid the softest soul, he started strutting toward the center of the room, and all the while he kissed the cat’s head.

“See? Mommy loves you already.”

“Mommy’s gonna kick Daddy’s ass if he doesn’t do what she says for once in his life.”

Giggling, he finally sat down between the couches, next to Lisa. She immediately covered them both – and the cat – with the cushions and the fluffy blankets. He could tell that she felt much more relaxed now that they were finally back inside the house, but the loud roar approaching said to him that they weren’t out of the woods yet.

He lay down on his side and she did the same. They just stood there, waiting for the storm to pass. The cat, scruffy but beautiful and with a huge belly signaling that her kittens would be born soon, was smart enough to snuggle between them and stayed hidden under the blankets. She kept purring.

Then the whole house started to tremble and wobble as if huge, invisible hands were shaking a piggy bank. And the living beings inside were the coins.

Michael closed his eyes, feeling suddenly exhausted. And relieved. Everything was fine.

Just a handful of minutes. They just had to wait for a little while still, and then it would all be over.

All in all, the tornado ended up not being even remotely as bad as they had thought. It came and went fairly quickly and didn’t cause any major damage. A couple of knick-knacks fell to the ground and so did the painting by the fireplace, but that was pretty much it.

Yet, even when the twister left, Lisa and Michael remained in their comfortable positions and didn’t move for a very, very long time.

When he opened his eyes again, he saw that she had been staring at him. Reaching out, Lisa stroked his cheek and he kissed the palm of her hand, then – when she scooted closer – her lips. The house was quiet and still again, and he could hear the rain pouring down outside. All things considered, maybe all that had happened had brought them back to where they were supposed to be all along: in this house, even if only for another day. And right on time to rescue a furry little thing.

Lisa touched his arm and Michael winced, suddenly remembering that yeah – he had injured himself and had not taken care of his wound yet. However, he didn’t think that his arm was still bleeding.

Quietly, Lisa kissed his forehead and sat up. He reached out and took her hand.

“No… Don’t. Stay here. We need to talk, Lise. You know it.”

She scanned his face.

“I know. But I gotta fix you, first. Don’t move. I’ll be back in a minute.”

It actually took her a whole five minutes to finally reappear in the living room. In one hand she held a wet washcloth, Polysporin and a bandage. In the other hand, there was a little bowl of food.

Right on cue, Sassy appeared from beneath the blanket and meowed loudly.

Lisa smiled.

“Looks like our little surprise guest is hungry…” She crouched down and put the bowl on the floor. “Here, kitty-kitty…”

“I had no idea there was cat food in the house.”

“There isn’t, I think. But I found some boiled chicken in the fridge. Don’t ask me why, since the owners know that we’re both vegetarians. But anyway… I warmed it up just for her.”

“Cool.” Michaels sat up and removed his jacket, smacking his lips in disappointment. “Damn… I loved this jacket.”

“I don’t give a fuck about your jacket. Take off your shirt…” Lisa knelt down between his legs and started to inspect his arm. “Are you still bleeding?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

“Amazing. I don’t want you to bleed out on me while we’re finally about to have some long-overdue conversation.”

There was something so sexy in the way she pretended to be all serious – while unbuttoning his shirt. Her nimble fingers touched the naked skin of his chest and, unsurprisingly, his rebellious lower body reacted – just a little bit. He smiled.

“You know what I love the most about your bossy tone?”

Lisa smirked.

“You don’t love it at all.”

“I do. Sometimes.”

“How so?”

“Because I know when it ain’t for real.” He grabbed her hand, forcing her to stare at him. “You’re fierce, but your heart is so soft. I love that so much about you, Lise… Kiss me.”

Their eyes met and hers were tender. Despite her huffy, no-nonsense attitude, whatever walls she had fought so hard to keep intact had been crumbling for quite some time now.

She bit her lip, then kissed him – her hand in his hair. She allowed him to set the rhythm and mood of that intimate contact and welcomed his tongue in her mouth with a sigh. Michael pretty much forgot that she was there for another reason entirely. He had to struggle to stop and, when he finally broke the kiss, even Lisa seemed a little dizzy.

“…Alright… Do your thing. And be gentle, please.”

Lisa smirked, then began to clean up his cut.

“Stand still, then.”

“Ouch! Careful!”

“Didn’t you just say that you love how soft I am? Then stop being a baby!”

Michael stopped pretending that she was hurting him and became mesmerized by the perfection of her features. Her face was so beautiful. Always had been. From her hooded eyes to those ever-changing irises that would always remind him of the cleanest water, to those luscious lips, from her cute nose to the flawless lines of her chin.

“Mh… It’s a pretty bad gash, Mike… Maybe you’ll be needing a couple of stitches after all. I’m sure this thing hurts like a motherfucker.”

It really didn’t. If there was or had been any pain, it was already gone. Swept away by the inner warmth he had been feeling for a while now. He was healing, and hoped that Lisa would soon be able to see it. That she would soon heal as well. With him.

He took a moment to think things through, pondering over his next words carefully before speaking again. They had to come out right.

“…I don’t know if you were punishing me, you know. I never really thought about it in those terms. I just guessed you needed some space… after what I did…”

Lisa glanced up at him, surprised. It lasted only a second, then her gaze dropped again and she began applying some antibiotic ointment. Pretending to be all focused on her task, while in fact he knew that she was listening carefully. This was the conversation that they had been trying to have for a while. Despite being strained and chopped and uneasy, it was also so necessary. And she was right – it was long overdue. The truth was that he and Lisa hadn’t truly spoken in a very, very long time.

“I wasn’t punishing you at all, Michael. Believe it or not, I never even considered doing it… Let alone leaving you.”

She finally finished taking care of his arm and sat back on her calves, her hands now resting in her lap. As if she no longer knew what to do with them – or herself. Michael noticed that she looked very young suddenly – and it was because of her vulnerable posture and even more vulnerable eyes.

“Why? It seemed to me you weren’t surprised when I finally managed to tell you about Caroline.”

Lisa frowned.

“Who’s Caroline? Another one?”

“Another what?” Michael looked at her, puzzled for a moment, his eyes narrowing. Damn… “…Christine. I meant Christine.”

She threw her head back and let out a surprised, genuine laugh.

“Oh my God, are you for fucking real? Did you already forget her name? Wow, she must have been a doozy!”

He giggled, blushing and shaking his head. His own clumsiness and lack of tact made him feel embarrassed, but he was also relieved to see Lisa laugh at this whole thing. It was the first time it happened. And yeah… she was right. Christine had been as unforgettable to him as all those nameless women he had screwed while he desperately tried to forget how in love with Lisa he was.

“Oh shit. I guess I’m an asshole after all…” He rubbed his eyes, then turned serious again. “But no, she was never unforgettable for me. She didn’t mean anything, Lise. God, I sound like one of my brothers…”

His head dropped and he sighed.

Lisa held onto the back of his neck and kissed his forehead.

“No, you don’t.”

Michael sought her lips and kissed her again. Just a series of soft, gentle pecks as he framed her face with both hands. They really were going somewhere, seemed like. He just had to remember not to lose his bearings.

“But you didn’t even get angry, Lise… when I told you. You didn’t cry, you didn’t kick my butt… you just…” He watched her closely, from one eye to the other. “I don’t know. At times, it just seemed to me you didn’t even care that much.”

“But I did. I care more than I will ever be able to express.”

“Then why didn’t you ever say anything? We never spoke about what happened. You never, ever told me how you felt about it.”

Her eyelids fluttered closed and Michael saw the tears sparkling, barely kept at bay by her long eyelashes. He knew that she was trying hard to keep her cool and be reasonable and calm.

“What was I supposed to say, Mike? That I was jealous? That I felt humiliated, small, insignificant after discovering that you pretty much cheated on me? That it almost broke me? …To know that even after everything, even after Logan… Still I was not enough for you.”

He felt his own heart shatter in his chest. Of course, he had imagined that she would feel that way and recognized her coping mechanisms. He knew that putting up a strong facade was the only weapon Lisa had to keep herself together. However, to hear her say those words out loud took his breath away.

“…But even more so, I was heartbroken because I realized that we had already grown apart when it happened. I felt insufficient, inadequate. Never enough for you.”

Michael had to struggle hard to not interrupt her. Console her, comfort her. Tell her that she was wrong. That she had always been so much of what he needed. That she was everything that he feared… and wanted. And not because they had a son. She had always been that for him, that once in a lifetime chance.

“I think…” Finally opening her eyes again, Lisa sniffled and gave him a small, insecure smile. “I think I am no longer used to fight with you, Mike. I swear this is draining for me. We haven’t really fought in ages, did you notice? I can’t even get mad at you properly anymore. I guess that’s why even that slap, the other night in that bathroom, was kinda lame.”

“Two.”

“What?”

“Two slaps. You slapped me twice.”

“Right… Well, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have done it.”

“No problem. Like you said, they were kinda lame anyway.”

She watched him and her eyes reflected some sort of weird gratitude. And mild amusement, too. Michael couldn’t do anything but gently stroke her cheek. He hoped that his face didn’t give away any of the heartbreak that her confession had provoked.

“…But anyway, I couldn’t really get mad at you also because a part of me felt that I deserved what happened.”

Michael frowned.

“What? Lisa, no, you-”

She covered his mouth with the palm of her hand. Her touch held a gentleness that was in such sharp contrast with the pain that her words were inflicting.

“Because I know I hurt you, in the past. We hurt each other, yes, but still… Each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions and decisions. What you did with that woman… other than being the confirmation of my worst fears… You know, getting older and not being as attractive as I used to be for you, or getting boring… or whatever… I also felt as if it was some sort of karmic retribution for me. That what happened would make me atone for not trying hard enough, for not having been patient enough, for disappointing you so many times in the past… It’s weird, I know… but you cheating on me made me look at myself in some type of way… Not you…”

Slowly, Michael removed her hand from his lips. He was stunned.

“Lise…”

No, this was not the way it was supposed to go down. He was ready to have her scream at him, tell him what an asshole he was. But he wasn’t ready for this. Not now, and not ever. This was too much – and it was so wrong. She was wrong. And it was his turn to make it right. For once, those words that would always struggle to come needed to come. And they needed to be the right ones.

“So yeah… This is what I think.” She shrugged, shyly. Her whole body seemed to have become smaller. “That it was never your punishment, but mine. For what I did. To you… To myself. But mostly to us…”

“We both made those decisions. It was never only you. You gotta understand that. Lise…” He held her by the shoulders. “…I wasn’t a saint either in our relationship, okay? I can be a dick and I was. More than once. All those years making you feel as if I was stringing you along… Like a concubine or something… When I had promised you, I would never be that kind of man. I know that was never my intention, that I only wanted to be with you, but still… it was how you felt about it. I knew it, because you told me again and again. You thrashed and tossed and screamed and tried to make me see. And yet… I kept doing it. Making you feel insecure. As if you didn’t matter. But you did… You always mattered… so much.”

Lisa’s clear eyes stared back at him. She didn’t say a word.

“And then I would get mad every time you stepped back and left… And you know what else? I would always let you go. On purpose. I was the smug motherfucker who kept telling you that you were going to come back anyway, that I didn’t need to do anything to keep you. I know how that too made you feel. And I never, ever had the balls to tell you the truth… How scared I was that you wouldn’t come back one day. Until it happened. Until you were gone.”

“Right, and that is not what I should have done. I should have stayed. I should have understood. I know that now.” She blinked. “We were a mess. At least I was. I thought it would get better without you, but of course it didn’t. I loved you so much… I still do. That’s why I stayed, even after you… even after Christine. Because I knew I had done something like that to you in the past.”

God, what was she saying?

“You never cheated on me. That’s what you’ve always told me.”

If she now told him that she had lied… That there had been someone else since they had gotten back together… Another man…

What would you do then, brother? If she did to you what you did to her…

“I didn’t cheat on you. Ever. But every man I slept with whenever you and I would break up… I don’t think you have any idea how I felt afterward. And I never want to feel that way again. Not as long as I’m in love with you. And that’s why… I stayed. Because I can’t even imagine my life without you in it and even another woman disappears in this scenario. That’s what you do to me. And I hate you and love you for that… but mostly love you.”

The silence that followed was heavy. Charged. So uncomfortable and liberating at the same time.

“Okay… I need you to listen to me.” Once again Michael framed her face with both hands. “And I need you to look at me. Lisa… Baby. Let me see your eyes.”

Slowly, she raised her gaze up to him. One hand held onto his wrist. He realized that he was shaking. He felt hot and cold at the same time, as if he was running a fever. This was the moment – right here. She had opened up and had told him things that he would never have imagined. Things that made her more vulnerable than he had seen her in a very long time. Things that made him love her even more than he thought possible.

And that tenderness threatened to choke him.

“Me cheating on you with another woman is not something you deserved. I know it was just a kiss, and I know for a fact that not for a second I even considered sleeping with her. But I can’t sugarcoat what I did anymore… It was cheating. I am a married man and you are my wife, you are the woman I love… She is not. And I shouldn’t have done it. I am so fucking sorry I did.”

This time, Lisa’s tears came and he wiped one off with his thumb. It also occurred to him that he had never really told her how he felt about the whole thing. The most important thing was still unsaid.

“I am so horribly sorry I hurt you. Please, forgive me.”

“But I have, Mike…” Smiling at him sadly, she touched his face. “I have forgiven you. And yet we can’t truly feel it because there’s just so much grudge we both have brought into our relationship… Into this new marriage. So much love, yes, but also so many hang-ups from the past, so much bitterness. About our first marriage, about ourselves… and each other. Things that we chose to not address because pretending they weren’t there was easier… Things that scared us. Things that we never resolved. Things that poisoned us… To the point that you couldn’t even tell me how lost you felt… and maybe that’s why you tried to fix it with someone else. While I wouldn’t even admit the guilt trip I was trapped into. This is us, Michael. We’re still a mess, just like we were back then. We’ve always been.”

He too felt about to break down. Jittery, yet with clouds of butterflies taking off in his stomach.

“Yeah… Maybe you’re right. And yet… You’re the most beautiful mess I know. And I love you… So much.”