Alpha – Chapter 6

Wild horses

Michael’s ranch, Santa Ynez Valley – The day after

Lisa

Michael’s horses were beautiful. Peaceful and welcoming. As if they felt safe and comfortable where they were, which was something I didn’t doubt at all. I was pretty sure everyone would likely feel safe at Michael’s ranch, wrapped in his aura. After all, I had been experiencing the comfort that came with it myself, firsthand.

I gently caressed the back of a white Andalusian stallion who had greeted me with his serene, soulful eyes the moment I had set foot into the stable, about half an hour earlier, and got lost in my thoughts for a moment. So early in the morning, this place was even more beautiful than it had looked the previous night. Kissed by the sun, the grass whooshing in the cool breeze, birds chirping everywhere. All was so different from the places I would usually hang out at. Quiet, tranquil, devoid of any pretense. Authentic.

I realized I could easily get used to this atmosphere, and understood why Michael had chosen this land, so detached from the city – so remote, in a way.

And despite knowing I would have to leave at some point, at the moment I simply enjoyed the peace, the serenity of a day that was much, much better than I could have ever anticipated or imagined.

Earlier that morning, as the sun started to rise in the sky, I had woken up feeling Michael’s lips kissing my naked shoulder. It all had come back to me almost immediately. Us having sex, again and again, until we had both passed out in each other’s arms, exhausted.

He hadn’t left the bed during the entire night – at least as far as I could remember. My body, my skin, recalled his presence next to me almost tangibly. His warmth, his aura. I was pretty sure he too had fallen asleep at some point, although I had felt his eyes on me as I drifted off. Well… if he had indeed stayed, and mine hadn’t been just a dream, I would have been content and not disappointed at all.

His kisses had awakened me and, turning in the bed, I had found him smiling down at me.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning…” Reaching up, I couldn’t do anything but touch his face, his crazy hair. He hadn’t shaved yet and his face was stubbly. He looked messy – and magnificent.

“Why did you wake me up? I was sleeping so well…”

He had laughed.

“I bet. I could tell you were all tuckered out. But I wanted you to see how beautiful the light is, here, at dawn… Look…”

He had pointed out of the window and I had looked over at the sky. Pink, with huge, purple clouds swirling into the endless of the universe. Was I still dreaming?

Pulling the bed sheets up my naked chest, I had done my best to ignore the feeling of tenderness that was blooming inside of me. Knowing that it wouldn’t do me any good eventually. Being tender, vulnerable, was never the right choice for people like me. And maybe Michael, too, should have been more careful.

“How do you know? You usually get up this early in the morning?”

“No, I usually go to bed around this time… or don’t sleep at all…” He had winced.

I had turned to look at him again, staring into his eyes for a moment. Why couldn’t this man sleep? Why didn’t he seem able to allow himself to rest and unwind? Possibly because his life, as extraordinary as it was, was also beyond stressful. Pressure, responsibilities, duties coming from all sides – all the fucking time. I didn’t feel envious of it at all, and the realization saddened me. The beautiful place Michael had purchased for himself wasn’t just supposed to be his home. Eventually, and whether he realized it or not, it would also become his fortress. And fortresses, at times, were bound to turn into prisons. Lifelong convictions.

“Well… I hope that wasn’t the case at all, last night…”

His eyes had become tender, and reaching out, he had touched my chin with his thumb.

“No, not last night…”

We had just stared at each other for a moment, both lost in something I couldn’t really pinpoint.

“Hey… Are you hungry? I hope you are…. ‘Cause I brought you something to eat…”

Fruits, several slices of fresh bread, coffee, jam. The whole package. Clearly he thought I had worked out an appetite… and of course, he was absolutely right.

Michael and I had shared breakfast in bed, just talking about trivial stuff for a while. Simply enjoying each other’s presence, and the luxury of sharing this… undefined thing that had been going on between us. It had all felt comfortable, easy and relatively safe.

And then that inner temperature had risen again. The pull had come back. That lust we had come to know, that lust that fogged everything else, had taken over one more time. And so we had gone at it again – slow and languid, and long and intense. The pleasure, as usual, had almost bordered on pain. Such had been its beauty.

Afterward, when he had fallen asleep again, looking like an otherworldly god between those crumpled bedsheets, I had remained awake. Fully alert.

And eventually I had taken a shower and left the bungalow, directed to the stables he had talked about just a couple of hours earlier. Funny how I had chosen that destination instead of going back home, which usually would have been my first instinct after spending the night with a guy.

Michael had been clear about that. I was free to leave whenever I wanted, as his team would have made sure I reached the doorstep of my house in LA safe and sound. His eyes had stared at me as he spoke. Saying something else entirely.

Stay.

During the night, between one round of robust fucking and the next, I had seen glimpses of the loneliness this man clearly felt. Probably every day of his life. It had been pretty easy for me to spot it, because I knew that beast very well. I had grown up with it, felt its sharp teeth more than once.

Yet, that wasn’t the reason why I was still at his ranch, even the usually dreadful morning after. This time, leaving wasn’t as easy as it had been after the first time Michael and I had spent the night together. Plus, his place infused me with a sense of peace that was utterly uncommon for me, or at the very least something so rare and precious that made stepping away more difficult than I had anticipated. If the whole atmosphere of the ranch was so otherworldly beautiful because its owner was there, I couldn’t tell back then. All I knew was that I was exactly where I wanted to be.

The Andalusian tilted his head toward the stable’s entrance and neighed softly. I turned my head, and Michael was just standing there – leaning against the open wooden door, hands in his pockets. He wore jeans and a flannel shirt, and a long black coat. A fedora completed the look. Quite uncharacteristically, he didn’t look like he had his sunglasses with him. His dark eyes stared at me and made him feel almost naked. Almost vulnerable.

Almost…

“Hey…”

“Hey yourself…” He slowly started walking toward me, looking relaxed and, quite frankly, happy to discover I was still at his place. “I woke up and for a moment I thought you had stood me up again.”

I had to laugh.

“Not this time.”

“Right…”

“And you know me… I would have left you a note before leaving.”

He just shrugged, then reached out and caressed the horse’s muzzle, coming to stand right next to me.

“You never know…”

Indeed.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Just a lucky guess. We spoke about the stables, earlier… and you told me you love horses. So I thought you might be here.” He smiled that boyish grin of his. “I’m glad I was right. I wouldn’t have wanted to send out a research team to look for you around my property.”

“Stop bragging…”

We laughed a bit, then went silent again. Just enjoying that peaceful moment.

Averting my gaze, I joined him in petting the stallion. Our hands close, but not touching.

“This big guy right here reminds me of the horse I would ride when I was little… In Memphis. With my dad.”

Michael kept looking at me as I spoke and didn’t say a word. Allowing me to reminisce, if I was so inclined.

“His name was Quinn. He was so sweet, so patient with me. I was such a little brat, back then… inexperienced, too. Yet he never unsaddled me or got upset. Not once.” I swallowed hard. “I loved him. I kept spending long afternoons with him ever after my father passed. He was my safe place.”

“Well… I hope Raindancer won’t disappoint.”

I smiled.

“Is that his name?”

“Yeah!”

“It’s beautiful. Does that mean you’re inviting me out for a ride?”

He stared at me, his eyes mischievous.

“Definitely.” It took him a second or two to avert this gaze again, his eyes coming to rest on the other horse in the stable. A black Mustang. “I’ll take Vagabond.”

Michael

I didn’t think Lisa realized how relieved I was when I discovered she was still at the ranch. In fact, I was pretty sure she hadn’t, considering that I had acted as cool as a cucumber when I had found her in the stable, gently petting those horses I adored. I didn’t know how much I was supposed to show her I cared.

About half an hour earlier, I had woken up in bed, in her bungalow, and she was nowhere to be seen. Yet the scent of her skin still lingered in the air, her perfume, that something special that was uniquely hers. Going to the bathroom to pee, I had figured out Lisa must have taken a shower, and scanning the room I had seen her purse still in the foyer. Okay… she hadn’t gone anywhere I couldn’t find her. Plus, there was no note – which I thought she would have probably left if she had decided to go back to the city without waking me up. Just like she had done after our night at the Hideout.

The stables had been my first and only guess. I had no idea why I had felt compelled to go there, especially given how large my property was, but I was happy to be right. It made me feel more in tune with her, which at that point was something I expected and hoped, since Lisa and I hadn’t just fucked once. Ours wasn’t a love story yet it wasn’t a case of wham-bam-thank-you-Ma’am either. I didn’t want it to be, not after having dinner with her, doing charity with her. Not after talking to her in a way that I would have never done with a simple acquaintance or someone I didn’t care about.

The truth was that I was happy to have her with me, although I couldn’t really figure out what was going on between us.

As we calmly strolled through the sprawling expanse of my ranch, the woods and lush green hills rolling out before us like a sea of emerald waves, Lisa and I spoke very little. In other circumstances, and certainly with different people, I would have felt uncomfortable in such a situation – my shyness taking over. Yet, this was once again different. I had no idea if it was because she and I had been so physically close or if, on the contrary, our sexual chemistry should have made everything more difficult and awkward. I didn’t know what to expect from the dreadful morning after, as this was a first for Lisa and me.

In the past, my affairs had never ended well. And the dreadful morning after was the proof of it. Either the women expected me to marry them on the spot and be with them forever and they became obsessive, their attachment scary and unhealthy, or they simply looked like they didn’t want to be there any longer after getting what they wanted. Star fuckers, the latter type of girls was called. It had taken me a minute or two to figure it out, as I had never indulged in that type of relationship when I was younger, but eventually, I had finally caught up. And it hadn’t made me feel good at all. Maybe those things worked for my brothers… but for me? Not so much.

Ultimately, women were an enigma I had always been unable to solve. They were mysteries, black holes, or entire universes that required a language on their own to be interpreted, and it was a language I didn’t speak. Or so I believed. And now… what did Lisa staying mean? Was I supposed to read something into it? Or maybe, just maybe, there was nothing to it but her willingness to get to know the beautiful place I had bought for myself, before finally asking to be driven back home?

The valleys, the river. The lake. We explored them all in complete peace, immersed in a late winter day that resembled early spring. The temperature sweet and mild, the air crisp and fragrant, the soft breeze coming from the hills caressing our faces, and this quietness I couldn’t fully comprehend, but I nonetheless felt comfortable with. As we rode side by side, I felt a sense of freedom and utter peace wash over me as Vagabond’s hooves pounded again the soft earth. I stole subtle glances at Lisa, her profile flawless and beautiful against the backdrop of sun-kissed, unspoiled nature.

I needed to hear her voice. I needed her eyes on me.

“So… what do you think of the ranch so far?” My voice finally broke the comfortable silence that had settled between us.

“It’s breathtaking.” Her eyes finally found me – and they were sparkling with wonder. This girl who was so often surrounded with a dark cloud of loneliness and grief, at that very moment seemed genuinely happy. At peace. “I never imagined it could be so utterly beautiful. And so… immensely huge. What the fuck, man!”

I laughed. Her potty mouth was funny as hell. And I liked her no-nonsense attitude even more.

“Yeah, I know. And I love how limitless it looks once you’re right in the middle of it, just like we are now.” I turned serious again. “I don’t live here full time yet… and maybe I never will, given how frantic and busy my life is. But it already means a lot to me. This place, that is. Neverland.”

Lisa pulled at the reins and Raindancer stopped.

“Neverland? Is that your ranch’s name?”

“It’s what I’d like to call it.”

She tilted her head, her eyes narrowing.

“Mh… Peter Pan’s imaginary island. A magical realm for fantastical creatures…”

I felt my cheeks go up in flames and chuckled.

“Something like that. But also…”

“…A state of eternal innocence. A place of perpetual happiness.” Her face had become calm and serene. Understanding.

“Yeah.”

She sighed, and gently invited the horse to resume walking. I slowly followed.

“It makes sense. It’s you.”

She got it. She understood the meaning behind it all. And I almost felt like crying without even knowing why. Maybe that was what finding someone who could see you for who you really were did to a person. I needed to snap out of that feeling immediately – because I couldn’t afford any emotions I couldn’t control. Not at that time.

“Come on. I wanna show you something.”

Lisa seemed to take the hint and gave me a way out. Metaphorically and otherwise.

“Hurry up, then. Raindancer would love to push on the gas, I can tell.”

“Let’s do it then. Straight ahead for about ten miles. Can you do it?”

She snorted.

“Can I do it? Dude… I’ll see you down there…. If you can catch me.”

Before I could even say a word, she had already urged the horse into a gallop, racing down the hillside toward the valley below like a nut job. I watched her in amazement as her long hair streamed out behind her, a wild tangle of dark locks dancing in the wind as she leaned forward, urging Raindancer to go even faster. I couldn’t see Lisa’s face, but I was willing to bet she looked happy, focused, exhilarated almost. And I was also willing to bet that, at that very moment, she felt utterly and perfectly free.

Gently pulling at the reins, I prompted Vagabond to follow, slowly but steadily quickening the pace while I kept staring at Lisa for a moment. She was now in full view in the open field, her determination and skill evident in every movement. And it struck me, what a force of nature this girl could be. She was so in tune with Raindancer because she, too, was a wild and untamed spirit unleashed upon the world. That much, I had already come to suspect.

My horse began matching Lisa’s pace stride for stride and I felt my heart thundering in my chest as I leaned low over the animal’s neck. I could tell it was the thrill of the chase cursing through my veins, and I knew the only reason she had finally slowed down was because she wanted me to catch her. I had to smile to myself. She was competitive… but she was also allowing me not to feel left behind.

I, too, reached the bottom of the hill, the terrain finally leveling out and she, once again, prompted her stallion to speed up. Together, we thundered across the open expanse of the field and, for a moment, Lisa turned and looked at me as we rode side by side. Her eyes were shining with pure joy as she urged the horse onward… just like I had imagined.

I did my best to ignore the odd, unexpected sense of completeness that Lisa’s presence beside me filled me with. I knew we had shared something special, but I couldn’t name it or fully define it – and plus, there was a part of me that refused to see it as too intimate and too profound. It was too much for me too bear at that time. My old scars were rawer than I had imagined them. And the fact that she, too, had refused to really talk about what was going on between us – at least for the time being – told me that my self-preservation strategy was indeed correct.

Unable to tear my gaze away from her, I decided to laser-focus on one thing, and one thing only. How much the intoxicating nights we had spent together were somehow similar to what we were experiencing now. It was the same unbridled, fierce intensity.

Biting her lip, she almost seemed to hear my thoughts loud and clear and, in a second, she was ahead of me again. I chased after her instinctively… my competitiveness getting the better of me.

Lisa rode with confidence and grace, her backside now slightly lifted from the saddle. Man! She was a challenge for real! Unexpectedly, she turned and looked at me again over her shoulder, smiling. Almost taking my breath away.  The wild abandon in her eyes stirred something primal within me, igniting a fire that burned way too hot.

At that very moment, it was hard to pretend that my heart wasn’t pounding with a mixture of exhilaration and longing. Her being a vision of untamed beauty – a goddess who wasn’t afraid to launch herself into the horizon – didn’t help either. This was a fucking spell – or a nightmare. I couldn’t afford to be consumed by the memory of what we had experienced together and what maybe, possibly, we might experience again. There were no promises, no plans, no agendas, and I didn’t want them to be. Not now. All this was so potentially perfect, but also oh so wrong timing-wise.

The sudden realization almost deflated me, yet my face remained calm, collected, as we finally reached our destination. A small, mild hill dominated by a tree. My tree. I wasn’t surprised noticing that Lisa, instinctively, had seemed to know where we were supposed to go.

Quietly, slowly, we both approached the tree. I reined in my horse and dismounted. Of course, Lisa didn’t need my help to do the same. Without saying a word, we walked side by side toward the ancient oak and, instinctively, I took her hand. It felt warm and soft, as welcoming as she could be.

“Is this where you wanted to take me?”

I smiled.

“Yes… well… you know it was.”

She laughed softly.

“I really didn’t.”

“Then why did you stop here, of all places?”

“Just a lucky guess.”

I shot her a glance, silently letting her know that I didn’t believe her one bit, and she seemed to blush slightly. She looked down for a moment and then up again, staring in amazement in what I knew was the perfect manifestation of wild nature expressing itself.

Lisa

The oak was ancient, I could tell. Ancient, majestic and huge. As Michael and I stepped closer to it, immersed in the clear morning light, I took a moment to just observe it, instinctively understanding – or maybe just guessing – why he had wanted to take me there.

The tree loomed majestically against the backdrop of the ranch, and its gnarled trunk stood as a testament to the passage of time. It was weathered by what I believed were centuries of wind and rain, and moss and lichen clung to its bark. It had been there before Michael and I even existed, and it likely would still be there after we would once again become stardust, one with the invisible fabric of the universe.

The thought was somehow comforting for me. I craved yet dared change. I needed some things to remain still and immutable, because way too much around me had simply vanished when I needed it the most. So it was nice to know that not everything was bound to turn to ashes.

Looking up, I noticed that the branches of the oak stretched out like the arms of a guardian, reaching toward the sky with that same sense of quiet strength, of complacent wisdom. Leaves rustled in the breeze and tossed their dappled shadows on Michael and me. Yet sunlight still filtered through the canopy, illuminating the ground with a soft, golden glow.

That dualism once again. The light and the darkness.

For what felt like a very long time, we just stood there in silence, taking in the silent majesty of the nature surrounding us.

“I call it the Giving Tree.”

Blinking, I turned and met Michael’s eyes. For just a second. Then he looked up and his gaze became lost in something that probably was visible to him and him alone.

“Why?”

“Because it’s very generous to me. All the time. Since the first time I saw it. It gives me all the peace and inspiration I need. That inner calm I crave… That place within myself when nothing is wrong. This tree… it quiets me down, grounds me. It humbles me… reminding me that I’m nothing but a small particle of a much, much bigger picture…” He smiled softly then looked over at me again. “…Nature puts a lot of stuff into perspective, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah… Yes, it really does.” I squeezed his hand, once again noticing that hint of loneliness in him. That fatigue that he was so good at hiding behind those blinding smiles. I knew quite a lot about that, too. Well, at least the hiding part. I wasn’t big on smiles… I hadn’t been in a very long time. “Why did you bring me here?”

He just shrugged.

“I don’t know. And it’s funny that you ask, because… I never told anyone about this little spot. It’s not that it’s a secret or anything but… It’s almost like I wanted to keep something only for myself. But with you…” He seemed about to say something, then bit his lip and looked down at his shoes for a second. “…I don’t know, it’s just different.”

“Different, how?” If only he knew how his sudden vulnerability was as seductive to me as his quiet, strong masculinity. He kept looking down and I tugged at his sleeve ever so slightly. “Hey… How is it different, Michael?”

Finally, his eyes met mine. And we were face-to-face. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then he sighed.

“I feel like I could tell you anything. Anything that goes through my mind… without fear of being misunderstood or feeling unheard.” He blushed and chuckled. “Man… What am I even saying? It’s so stupid, I know… We barely know each other and…”

I reacted without even thinking – because his words had left a dent inside of me. A crack I didn’t know could be opened. Letting go of his hand, I pulled his head down to me and I kissed him. At first, our kisses were nothing but gentle little pecks – and then they became more.

Michael maneuvered me gently, until my back collided with the oak’s trunk. We were sheltered in the shadow, under an umbrella of leaves moving in the breeze, our bodies matching perfectly. I closed my eyes as my arms locked around his neck, and I moaned when his tongue met mine. The attraction I felt for him was scary – to the point that I wanted to stay forever and run away in equal measure, yet I could not move. As his hands held me by the waist, I could not move. And in reality, I had no desire to.

I had never felt anything like this, and even if it was merely sexual attraction, it still was something I didn’t fully know how to handle. I could only go with a flow I knew I was way too weak to swim against.

Michael’s body against mine, his warmth, told me all I needed to know about how he, too, felt about all this. At that point, we’ve been intimate enough for me to recognize all the signs. The play of his muscles, his breathing changing rhythm. The hard ridge pressing against my belly. God… what was I supposed to do with this man?

“Lisa… Lise…” He breathed out the words as he touched my face gently, pulling a strand of hair behind my ear. “See? This is what I’m talking about. I don’t even know what this is. What are you doing to me?”

That was a funny question. A funny question we both shared, seemed like. I didn’t have an answer or an explanation, and obviously he didn’t either. All I could do was kiss him again, and we slowly slid down onto the lawn, switching our positions until I found myself sitting astride him as he rested his back against the Giving Tree. It took us quite a while to finally find some semblance of normalcy again and, eventually, I simply rested my head against his shoulder as he held me in his arms and stroked my hair.

And that moment – that moment right there – was much, much more dangerous than having him fuck me from behind or eating me out on his kitchen table. Because right then and there, we were physically and emotionally close without even fucking each other’s brains out. In this undefined territory where we blindly walked.

I realized that we needed to talk about what was happening. Whatever it was. We just had to. It could no longer be postponed, and we both knew it.

“Michael…”

“Yes…?”

“Maybe we should talk about what’s going on…”

He chuckled.

“You think?” He kissed the top of my head and sighed. “Yeah… of course. Lay it all on me.”

I pulled back – half-heartedly – and found his eyes. They were open and honest as usual, yet slightly guarded, and maybe slightly worried. I was glad we were on our own, just the two of us, with nobody else around to interrupt us. This tree would be the only witness to that shared vulnerability we could only barely acknowledge.

I didn’t move. I stayed in his arms, feeling safe and protected. Knowing he would shelter me despite me not being entirely sure of what I was about to say, of what words I would use. Yet being very much aware of what the only possible outcome would be.

“You know… This… Us… It’s not something I planned. It’s been unexpected… to say the least. And I don’t mean just the first time. Seeing each other again… spending the night together again.”

Michael chuckled softly, and I almost felt the vibration of it in my chest.

“Unexpected,” he repeated, the word lingering between us. Then he shrugged. “Well… I guess that’s one way to put it.”

I looked up at him, smirking.

“Hey… I just wanted to elaborate a bit, you know? I could only have said that it was a damn good fuck. Which it was, by the way.”

I was being sarcastic out of self-preservation, and he got it. He laughed.

“Yeah, that too.”

“And we don’t necessarily have to define it. Whatever this is.”

“I agree… Not anything needs a name.”

He paused, tilting his head back to look straight into my eyes. His face getting serious again. “But listen… if someone had told me, just a few months ago, that I’d be spending my time with someone who could make me forget the chaos of my life, even for a moment, I would have called them crazy.”

Silence followed, but it wasn’t as uncomfortable as I would have thought. As it probably would have been with other men. It was anything but. Calm, yet charged with the electricity of way too many unvoiced thoughts and emotions. At least on my part, ‘cause I couldn’t vouch for him. I barely knew him, after all. He absently traced patterns on my arm, and each stroke almost felt like a word he couldn’t quite say out loud.

“Well… we’re just two people having a good time, right?” I hated the note of defiance in my own voice. I hated that he could think that I didn’t care. But I didn’t want him to think I cared too much, either.

His eyebrows sprung up.

“That’s another way to put it.” His eyes remained open and honest, even though I could tell he wasn’t buying what I was selling. Not entirely, at least. “No need to make it complicated.”

“No complications. At least when it comes to this. I think our lives are already complicated as they are.”

I averted my eyes and my gaze fell on his hand, still busy tracing patterns on my arm. Right…

Normally, this was when this kind of conversation would and should have ended. No explanations, no justifications. But it didn’t. Looking up again, I realized that downplaying this whole thing didn’t necessarily mean I had to lie to this man. I didn’t want to – and he didn’t deserve it. He had the right to know more of what was going through my mind.

“You really wanna know what this is all about? Why I need for this to be as simple as it can be? ‘Cause I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing about my future, Michael. It’s all just a blur right now.”

There, I had said it. I felt my cheeks go up in flames, yet I kept staring at him. His eyes narrowed.

“What do you mean?”

“Well… for starters, until I turn twenty-five, my inheritance… the estate my dad left for me is still under the grip of my mother. She controls everything. It’s like, until then, I can’t really start my own life.”

“I see…” His eyes softened. “That sounds… tough.”

“It is. It’s like I’m living in this suspended reality where my dreams, my plans… everything, has to wait because someone else is calling the shots. My mom… she means well, I think, but her way of showing love is through control. It’s always been that way. And I’m just… fucking stuck. And exhausted.”

Michael reached for my hand, his grasp comforting. “I get it, in a way. I mean, my situation is nowhere near as complicated, but the pressure… it’s something else.”

I had to laugh.

“Nowhere near as complicated? Dude! Are you fucking kidding me? You’re the most famous person in the world!”

He, too, giggled.

“Yeah… well. Maybe. What I do know is that the world thinks I’m living the dream, and I am, in a lot of ways. But it’s like standing on top of a mountain. Everyone’s watching, waiting for your next move, and the higher you are, the harder the fall. I need to stay focused, keep pushing. There’s no room for… distractions.”

I nodded.

“So we’re both trapped, in a way.”

“Exactly,” he gave my hand a gentle squeeze. “And that’s why this,” he gestured vaguely between us, “…this thing that’s been going on with us… doesn’t have to be all that complicated. ‘Cause we already are in these… bubbles that make it hard to see clearly.”

“I know. Yet, here we are. In the middle of nowhere, under a tree that’s probably seen more history than we can imagine, feeling… what?”

Michael smirked.

“…You tell me. Safe enough to openly talk about this?” He shrugged and his eyes got lost in the distance for a moment. “I don’t know, Lisa. As dumb as it sounds, it’s like the world outside this bubble doesn’t even exist when you’re around. And even the bubble itself… it’s not so foggy anymore. It’s just us and the moment. Nothing else. And that’s been… a rare gift.”

I didn’t know what got into me, but I nestled closer to him again, my head finding its way back to the comfort of his chest. Or maybe, simply, I couldn’t stare at him any longer. ‘Cause we both knew where this conversation was going.

“But it’s also scary, isn’t it? This bubble. Because sooner or later, we’ll have to step back into the real world. Your world and mine…”

“Yeah, scary as hell…”

Our words seemed to linger in the cool breeze for a moment. And then they were gone.

Until he spoke again.

“And now, with everything at its peak, my career, the tours, the albums—it demands everything of me. It’s like standing on a tightrope, and I can’t afford a misstep. The pressure is…” He trailed off, as if searching for the right word. “Immense.”

I stayed put, not wanting to move. Not wanting to look at him straight in the eyes. Feeling relieved and heartbroken in equal measure.

“That’s OK. I didn’t want anything more from you than what we got. And I never implied otherwise either.”

“I know. I know you didn’t… Lisa, I-”

“Let me finish, please. Like I said… I don’t even know what I’m gonna do tomorrow. I have zero plans… and expectations. I barely know who I’m gonna be. Or who I want to be. We’re polar opposites, you and I…”

I felt him shift. Then his hands were on my shoulders and he pushed me back gently. His eyes finding me. Not leaving me a way out.

“Are we, really? Polar opposites? I don’t think so. Maybe we’re not all that different. Maybe we both have been… played before. Scarred. More times than we care to admit. Maybe we both know that the kind of lives that we live, they’re not just about the glamour and adulation. Or privilege, if you wanna call it that. They also attract… certain types. People who see the fame, the money, the spotlight… instead of the person standing in it.”

I didn’t know what to say. And I certainly wasn’t expecting any of this. Michael opening up like this? At that point in time, I already knew it was a rarity, given the walls he had meticulously built around himself. Walls I, too, knew very well, brick by brick.

“They aren’t all like that, of course. But it happened enough times to leave a mark, didn’t it? To make us question what’s real and what’s just… part of the show.” He took a deep breath. “And don’t get me wrong. I know we aren’t, you and I. I know whatever we are, we’re real. But I also know that this is the most perfect thing at the most imperfect time.”

“Yeah.”

It was the truth. Perhaps we weren’t polar opposites, but our lives certainly weren’t going in the same direction. It didn’t matter how right what we were entangled in felt.

“I am not asking for anything. I don’t want anything.”

I didn’t even know why I felt the need to say it again out loud. Maybe to convince him. Maybe to convince myself.

“I know,” his reply came hurried. “And you said that before. I get it. But it’s important for me that you know. That this is why I need to stay focused, why I can’t afford distractions. Not when every part of my life is under scrutiny. Falling for someone, truly falling, it feels like the biggest risk of all.”

Once again – pain and relief. That fear, that concern he had been experiencing – the terror of finding himself trapped into something he could not control… it was something familiar for me too.

“Well, then… for now,” I touched his cheek, trying my best to relax. “For now, we float. We live in these moments because, honestly, they’re all we’ve got.”

That would be our last moment of peace in a very long time. Because of all the things I could imagine doing with him, or saying to him, an unexpected pregnancy would have never, ever made the list.