Contingent – Chapter 11 | What lies in the shadows

Chapter 11 | What lies in the shadows

shadow (n.)

Old English sceadwe, sceaduwe “the effect of interception of sunlight, dark image cast by someone or something when interposed between an object and a source of light,” oblique cases (“to the,” “from the,” “of the,” “in the”) of sceadu (see shade (n.)). Shadow is to shade (n.) as meadow is to mead (n.2). Similar formation in Old Saxon skado, Middle Dutch schaeduwe, Dutch schaduw, Old High German scato, German schatten, Gothic skadus “shadow, shade.”

From mid-13c. as “darkened area created by shadows, shade.” From early 13c. in sense “anything unreal;” mid-14c. as “a ghost;” late 14c. as “a foreshadowing, prefiguration.” Meaning “imitation, copy” is from 1690s. Sense of “the faintest trace” is from 1580s; that of “a spy who follows” is from 1859.

As a designation of members of an opposition party chosen as counterparts of the government in power, it is recorded from 1906. Shadow of Death (c. 1200) translates Vulgate umbra mortis (Psalms xxiii.4, etc.), which itself translates Greek skia thanatou, perhaps a mistranslation of a Hebrew word for “intense darkness.” In “Beowulf,” Grendel is a sceadugenga, a shadow-goer, and another word for “darkness” is sceaduhelm. To be afraid of one’s (own) shadow “be very timorous” is from 1580s.

Tunis, October 1996

Lisa turned her head to a side, lowered her sunglasses and stared at Michael, feeling safe and unseen. He wasn’t paying any attention to her. He sat on a deckchair in the shadow, under a huge retractable awning across the infinity pool, reading a book. He looked wholly focused on what he was doing. That was no surprise – he was the kind of man who would put all his commitment into whatever task he decided was worth his time. And reading definitely belonged to the list.

Letting her mind roam, Lisa thought about how his passion for books, art, education and culture, in general, had been one of the things that she had not only immediately found attractive about him, but also surprising. She still remembered meeting the superstar who made so many women swoon, at the end of the Eighties. Lisa herself, during her teenage years, had a bit of a crush on the handsome young man performing in the Thriller video. And yet, the man she had met again at John Branca’s wedding was not the larger-than-life guy in leather and buckles, nor the sweet 16-year old boy she had first seen in Las Vegas with her dad, so many years earlier, when she was nothing but a child.

Michael, the man, was entirely different from Michael Jackson, the entertainer. He was sweet, but his gentle nature was not childish at all. If anything, he was childlike in the most beautiful way – as in playful and capable of wonder and amazement, even when it came to small, trivial things many people never paid attention to. He had taught her to dream big.

On the other hand, Michael was also all man in so many ways, as Lisa had found out when they had started – what? Dating? Fucking? Fooling around? The first night she had spent with him had been mind-blowing, it had swept her off her feet. Those that had followed it had been even better. And yet even now, after so many years, she didn’t know how to define the beginning of their relationship. It was complicated. She was married, and he was on top of the world and flying even higher. Their encounters were secret, fleeting and torrid.

However, falling in love was probably the best description for what had happened back then. It had been so easy. And so quick, too. One moment she had thought of him as a friend and then, almost without noticing, she had found herself head over heels in love with this guy. Not the entertainer, not the artist, not the otherworldly talented dancer and singer… just the man. The ravenous bibliophile. The practical prankster. The nerdy guy who would squint his eyes because he needed reading glasses. The funny dude, able to make her laugh so much that tears would come out of her eyes. The charming gentleman. The well-educated, sophisticated art lover. The poet and generous visionary who believed that a better world was indeed possible. The sexy man who, in bed, would make her fly higher than she had ever imagined possible. The possessive alpha-male who would always mark her his. Yes, falling in love with Michael had indeed been very, very easy.

And then, after the blast of their failed marriage, something had died inside of her. Or had it?

They had been in Tunis for three days now, and it had been nothing but pure, undiluted bliss. Lisa felt as if they were cut out from the rest of the world. Which was not necessarily a bad thing, considering that being with Michael meant having to deal with constant global interest and scrutiny. While now, holed up in their beautiful, secluded hotel by the sea, everything felt different. He had only rarely left her side. In fact, he had gone to rehearsal one early afternoon, and then had come back at night. And then again, he had left for his show at the Stade Olympique El Menzah and then had come back to the hotel right after the concert, tired but freshly showered and in a great mood, holding a tray of mouthwatering almond Briouats. Which they had eaten in bed, together. After another athletic marathon that, in this case, had involved them both.

So yeah, basically he had been seducing her with pastries and his ultimate presence.

It was hard, for Lisa, not to remember why she had loved him so much in the first place, when he acted like this. When he was simply himself. Of course, Michael could also be much different. At times, he could be cold and detached, like an alien. His mood could change in the bat of an eyelid, and become stormy and turbulent. He was very much capable of shunning people from his life without a second thought. He was obstinate and stubborn, sarcastic, and his words – often delivered with the calmest voice – could cut like a razor blade. But even that, she had loved somehow. What she had not enjoyed, had been the distance – both physical and emotional. His apparent inability to let her in sometimes. The perception of being taken for granted, some other times, and without him even noticing. His scarce consideration for her advice on specific occasions.

And yet she knew, that she, herself, had let other people – outsiders – manipulate the very image she had of her husband. She had allowed them to poison her mind. She had doubted him, his love, his intentions. With great love always came great fear. The reasons behind the constant tricks and double-crossings she and Michael had been subjected to, from both their entourages, were still quite confusing, and they still alarmed and worried her. Her mother’s reaction when she had told her about the pregnancy had not been surprising at all. In fact, quite the opposite: it had been consistent with her previous behavior.

“Lisa Marie. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do with you.”

“Nothing, mother. You are not supposed to do anything. I am, what? 28? I mean, can we give it a rest already?”

“What? I am just looking out for you.”

“See? That’s the point, mom. We keep running around in circles. You say you want to look out for me, but you treat me as if I were still a child. I am not. I know how to make my own decisions. So if I say I’m coming back next week, that means that I’m coming back next week. That’s it, mother.”

“You know how to make your own decisions? Are you serious, Lisa Marie? I am sorry, but I am not so sure about that. You know there is a reason why I feel like I have to take care of you the way I do. Do I believe you still need supervision? Yes, I do! Think about the battles you decided to fight in the past. Look at the consequences.”

Oh, Priscilla had no idea of the consequences. Lisa closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. She really didn’t need this right now. What she needed, was to be tangled in crumpled sheets, her back pressed against Michael’s chest. It didn’t matter what she believed she felt for him. She had been safe with him lately.

“You’re right, mother. I am starting to think that I fought at least one wrong battle. But I’m not sure we can agree on which one that was. Anyway – look, this passive-aggressive way you have to talk about Mike is totally uncalled for. So stop it, please.”

“Oh, so it’s Mike again, now? What the heck is going on over there, Lisa? Are you still… messing around with that man?”

She wasn’t even poking that much. And yet without notice, that little verbal interference became too much for Lisa to bear. A glacial calmness washed over her.

“Yes, mother. I am. I’m messing around with Michael. And you know what? Maybe I’m even gonna be doing a little more than that. Given that he’s the father of the child I’m carrying and all.”

And with that, finally, her mother had stopped talking. For a moment, Lisa had felt guilty about having been so blunt and insensitive. But the truth was that her mouth was not a bakery, and she had never been that great at sugarcoating anything.

Lisa stood up and glanced up at the orange sky. The late afternoon sun was painting everything in its warm colors. Couldn’t she just stay there forever? With her kids. All three of them. And Michael…

She closed her eyes behind the lenses of her sunglasses and took a deep breath. Stay in the moment, she told herself. Enjoy what you have right now. Don’t ask for more. Expectations are always your worst enemy. They crash. They burn. Always.

Instinctively, her hand came up and rested on her belly and, as if a voice had called out to him, Michael’s eyes left the book he had been reading and focused on her. They lingered. Once again, he looked as if he was studying her, trying to decode something that was still unintelligible to him. And as she stared back at him, noticing his hair loosely tied in a ponytail, his face stubbly and relaxed, Lisa felt a pang of desire. It was a never-ending circle. It was as if her body was trying so hard to get its fill of Michael, before she had to fly back to Los Angeles. But those were just her hormones. Nothing more than that. Pregnancy moods. Nothing else.

She knew he couldn’t leave the safe shelter of the shadow. Even at this time of the day, with the sun setting on the horizon, it was still way too hot for him. The thought pained her – Michael would have loved to be in the sun with her, and he would never be able to. But she could go to him.

Lisa glanced around. They were alone, sheltered. No security detail in their private quarters. It was not needed. Tunis was a pretty safe place, even for him. Still feeling his eyes on her, she untied her bikini top and let it fall to the ground. She just stood there, exposed to him.

Michael closed the book and placed it on the table, very slowly. His dark eyes moved to her naked breasts.

Feeling extremely self-confident, Lisa stood by the pool for a moment and then dove in, swimming underwater to the other end, and finally re-emerging. Finding him again. Still sitting in his deck chair, his face serious and a bit flushed. She propped herself up on the poolside and stood up again, slowly walking over to him. Feeling his eyes roam all over her body, possessively. He looked relaxed. He wasn’t.

“Hey…” Lisa tossed her head. Water drops shone on her tanned skin.

“Hey yourself… the water good?”

She loved how casual he sounded.

“Just perfect. You should jump in… later tonight.”

“Would you join me?” He held out his hand and she took it.

“Maybe…”

“How can I convince you?” He pulled her closer to him, but stayed utterly immobile.

“Not sure…” Lisa crouched down by his side, her other hand resting on his thigh.

Michael tilted his head, still in complete control despite his body starting to betray him. He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. Lisa’s body heat intensified instantly. This was so wrong. And it felt so damn right.

“Lise… Why didn’t you come to my show last night? Why did you stay here at the hotel?”

She just looked at him. Should she tell him that watching him perform onstage would have been the last push toward the cliff, for her? That she was already on the edge of the abyss? Watching him do what he loved… the way he loved to do it, in front of his people. Another memento of the many reasons why she had fallen for him. Of the many reasons why she had to be careful now.

“I was tired.”

“OK…” His eyes narrowed. “What about now?”

“Not really tired, no… I got plenty of rest.”

He covered her hand with his own and moved it up his thigh.

“Hungry, perhaps?”

A lopsided smirk and her hand finally found what she was looking for.

“Yeah… hungry. Definitely hungry.”

He took a deep breath as she started to caress him through the very thin fabric of his light pants.

“Well then, I guess we’ll have to feed you. Those hormones… it looks like they really are something…”

Lisa bit her lip and moved to a kneeling position, her fingers sneaking underneath the elastic band of his trousers and into his underwear.

“You have no idea… I’m starving.”

And so it began. For the umpteenth time. As she loved him that way, with a dedication and a passion that still stupefied him, Michael felt that they could, indeed, unbreak what had once been broken. His head leaned back in the deckchair, his eyes half-closed, he rested his hand on Lisa’s head as her mouth descended and slowly moved on him, knowing exactly what to do to make him lose his mind. Their connection was still there, he could tell. And she was not fooling him: he knew very well this, all of this, was not entirely related to her pregnancy. But at least for now, he would give her some slack. He would give her the advantage of an excuse.

When he started to feel the hurricane of pleasure approaching, he gently placed his hands on her naked shoulders and pushed her back. Lisa looked up at him. Her eyes were as blue and bright as the sea he could still see in his peripheral vision.

“Let’s go back inside, baby girl… Let me take care of you…” His voice sounded way huskier than usual. “You look like you’re in need to be loved right…”

Lisa took a few long breaths. And then she said something he would have never expected.

“You know… future fathers, too, need to relax sometimes…” She leaned up and kissed him, one hand still holding his erection in a firm grasp, the other gently caressing the side of his face. Her naked breasts brushing against his t-shirt made him shiver. “What about that, daddy? Want me to take care of you, for a change?”

Another kiss, her tongue invading his mouth, caressing him in deep, languid strokes. The cute nickname – she hadn’t called him that in a very long time, and it had never been so meaningful in so many ways – unleashing a storm of feelings inside of him. Each of them was beautiful and perfect.

So far, the terms of their agreement had seemed to be implicitly clear. He was going to take care of her. He had offered. Even more: he had asked to be let in – not only literally, but still…

However, this was a definite shift in perspective. Lisa was changing. Her defenses were softening. The door, once closed shut, was now ajar. And she was letting him in, in so many ways. He had already noticed what a difference only a few days together had made. Of course, he and Lisa would make love a lot. But they would also talk about the future of their kid and their hopes and expectations. They would goof around and banter like they used to do. They would laugh together. And they would also just enjoy each other’s presence, not really feeling the urge to say anything at all. Gone was the uncomfortable, resentful silence that had filled the last part of their married life. This was different. This was the right kind of silence.

He started to think that she had been right, when she had told him that they needed more time for themselves, away from everything, from everyone, from an environment that was polluting their hearts and their lives. She had said it again and again, during their marriage. She was worried and her rants would go on for hours. He had often scoffed at her, dismissed her words, not taking them seriously at all, telling her that they did spend time together just fine. Now he knew, it was bullshit – she was his wife, and he should have given her at least the benefit of the doubt. Now he knew, marriage was a work in progress and they both had given up on it before they could really grow together, as individuals and as a couple. They hadn’t given their marriage the chance to evolve properly. They had chosen temper tantrums and silence and disappearances and childish paybacks over what they both had always treasured the most: their immense love. They had taken it for granted, not realizing that although true love never died, it also needed to be nurtured in order to flourish and thrive for real.

They had made mistakes. They had forgotten who they were to one another. And they both had paid a very high price in the end.

“So? What do you say, Mike?”

Focusing back on the moment, Michael caressed Lisa’s face and pushed her back down, very gently.

“Yeah… take care of me, baby…” He paid attention to her every move. The way she resumed her caresses. The way she looked at him, eyes bright and moist, full of unbridled desire. Her amazing lips parted and ready to worship him. “I want… I need you to make me feel good.”

Being so vulnerable with her was a risk, he knew that. But he also felt it was time.

Lisa’s eyes studied him for one short instant. And then she got it. She understood. A small smile played on her lips.

“Then lie back, daddy… Just relax.”

As soul music oldies played in the background, gently rocking them in the quietness of the dimly lit room, Michael enjoyed the feeling of Lisa stroking his hair, as his head rested in her lap. He hoped he could feel the baby move. When he had told Lisa, she had laughed, replying that they were still a bit too early in the pregnancy for that, but that she sometimes could already perceive the slight fluttering that, in a few weeks, would become so very clear and unmistakable.

Of course, he had insisted anyway and eventually she had relented, pulling him down to her, his head in her lap, gently caressing his face and hair in rhythmic, hypnotic motions.

After their little intimate moment on the solarium, Michael had allowed himself a few minutes to catch his breath. The pleasure had been so intense that his vision was blurred. Lisa was a fantastic, passionate, naughty lover, she knew exactly what he liked, and being loved by her always felt like a roller-coaster ride. He was still feeling a bit lightheaded when he finally got up from the deckchair, scooped her up and brought her inside their suite, and straight to the bedroom they had been sharing since their arrival in the country.

Once there, he had taken her with fervor, with an all-consuming intensity that had felt almost foreign even to him. This was so similar to the scorching hot affair they had been engaged in at the beginning of their relationship, several years earlier. And Lisa, too, had been looking utterly devoid of inhibitions since London. Which was more than fine with him. They had gone at it hot and dirty, against the wall, on the plush carpet, finally on the bed. The more intimate they allowed themselves to be with one another, the less emotionally disconnected they became.

“The things you make me do, woman…” He had murmured at one point, huskily, his lips against the sweaty skin of her neck. He had felt her body tremble underneath his, her hands run down his naked back, reaching his ass, pulling him further into her. And then her voice, low and husky, seductive like honey.

“Show me…”

And he had done just that, again and again.

They had been in bed for a few hours now, once again without any hurry, although they both knew they were on borrowed time, and that in a few days they would have to part ways. Michael could only hope it would be temporary, and that Lisa wouldn’t be poisoned by her mother and her people once she was back in Los Angeles. The same could be said for him.

Yes, their trust and insecurity issues were definitely still there. Nothing could be done about that, at least for the time being. He and Lisa would need much more than a few stolen days to heal the wounds they both had inflicted and suffered. He couldn’t always be by her side, making sure that they stayed stable and secure. And she couldn’t always be by his side, being the calming presence he needed and that she could be. But again, who was he fooling? They had moved some steps forward for sure, but he had to remember that they were not back together. They were divorced… and, well, they were just being considerate future parents.

For now.

Opening his eyes lazily, he gazed up at her and found her staring back at him with a wistful look in her eyes. Without a word, his hand came up and behind her neck and he pulled her head down. All the while, he leaned up on his elbow, seeking her mouth. They kissed. A long, lingering, thorough kiss.

Taking a deep breath, he let go of her, lying back down, head in her lap, and she resumed her caresses. He took a moment to observe her. They were both naked, half-wrapped in crumpled white sheets. She was leaning against the headboard. One of the pillows had ended up somewhere on the floor, the other one lay at the foot of the bed. Lisa’s tanned skin seemed to shine in the blueish light of the evening.

“You look…”

“Well fucked?” Lisa grinned.

Michael had to laugh – because she could be such a nutcase. Then he turned serious.

“Yeah, that too. But I meant… gorgeous. Just gorgeous.”

“Thank you. You got the perfect bedhead. Very edgy.”

“Well, I’m in bed.”

Smiling, she leaned over and kissed him again. Then she backed off, biting her bottom lip, caressing his chin with the back of her fingers. Silence. Utter, comfortable, safe silence.

“What happened, Lisa? To us…” He took her hand and rested it on his chest. Over his heart. “I mean, to you. When you stopped loving me. Did I make you stop? Was it me?”

His voice was very calm, as if he was trying so hard to observe the whole thing from an external, more objective point of view.

The adorable little crease on Lisa’s forehead became evident. She took her time to evaluate his question, blinking repeatedly. His words had rattled her, he could tell.

“Remember when we met to discuss our prenup, or lack thereof?”

“Yeah…”

“Well… at that point, it already felt like my feelings for you… The way I had always known them… were slowly slipping away. The previous months had been… tough for me.”

“When I iced you out.”

“Yes. And I couldn’t get a hold of you, no matter how hard I tried… Or how much I begged.”

“I was so angry with you.”

“You were hurt, Mike. I understand that. I am so sorry I hurt you.”

It sliced him open. That admission. She had said it already, in the past, but never face to face. Never like this, while they were naked and vulnerable in so many ways.

“Well, that makes two of us, then. You were hurt too.”

“You’re sorry you were mad at me?” She winked at him, half-heartedly.

“Hell, no! You deserved it all! You deserved a proper spanking for the shit you put me through, you lunatic.”

“Yeah… I know. Maybe you should have done just that instead of ignoring me like a douche.”

“What, should I have put you on my lap and slapped that cute little booty of yours until it was red?”

“Maybe. Who knows…”

“Girl…” Smiling, he cocked his head and raised his eyebrows at her.

“Hey, I’m just saying. Maybe, after being bossed around like that, my booty would have felt stingy… but the rest of me would have probably calmed down considerably. I guess we’ll never know.” Another lopsided grin and he thought all the love he felt in his heart would make it explode.

Her warm hand rested on his forehead for a moment, very tenderly. Such an intimate gesture. Way too intimate, maybe, for two people who were merely supposed to be considerate together.

“And then? What happened, then? I mean, we… We went out, afterward. We made love.”

“And then we fought again, and you left.”

“Ah, no, missy. You asked me to leave.”

She chuckled. She was comforted by the fact that they were able to talk about it without engaging in a screaming match. Their baby seemed to act like a peacemaker.

“No, Michael. I did not. I went upstairs to cool off, that’s all. Because you know how explosive I can be when you rub me the wrong way. I was trying to avoid a tirade. And a minute later you were gone.”

He stayed quiet, biting the inside of his cheek. Now that he thought about it, she was right. He had left – she hadn’t stopped him, no, but she had never thrown him out either. He frowned.

“You stopped loving me because I left, that morning?”

“God, you’re such a male… No, that was not it…” She gave him a soft smile. Her hand moved from his forehead to his hair, and the stroking resumed. “It felt more like banging my head against the same wall, over and over again. After a while, you stop feeling pain. You don’t feel anything at all, but you know that if you keep going, your head is gonna crack open. What we had… it was like fire. I don’t think we were able to contain it. It became so nasty and violent that it consumed everything… until only ashes remained. I really don’t know how else to explain it. At one point, I just felt numb.”

An echo resounded in his mind. It was Lisa’s voice. It came from the past. They had been watching a movie about a husband and a wife being so unnecessarily cruel to one another. He remembered her speaking against his chest as he held her, her breath warming him through the fabric of his shirt: “Promise me we’ll never be like that…”

“And now? You still feel numb?” He studied her face with maximum care. Lisa was a bad actress. She was not good at pretending. And to him especially, she was an open book.

“No, Mike… I can’t say I feel numb now.”

The vertigo he felt was hard to describe. The sudden sense of lightheadedness made his heartbeat race, and he felt glad he was still lying down. However, he remained considerably calm. And he stayed quiet, waiting for her to continue.

“I don’t know how I feel, but certainly it’s not nothing.”

Well, that was way more than he had hoped for. He swallowed. Then he sat up, turned to her, cradled her face in his hands. His solemn, very serious eyes sank into hers.

“Is this your pregnancy speaking?”

Caught completely by surprise, Lisa scoffed.

“I think I’m gonna plead the fifth on that one, Mike.”

“Uh-uhm. OK. You are allowed to withhold self-incriminating information. But I’mma tell you something.”

“Shit, now I’m scared.”

Just like the old times. Talking about serious stuff in the lightest, most casual way. His eyes laughed.

“I’m gonna make you fall in love with me all over again. Clean slate. You won’t believe how much you’ll love me. And maybe in January you’ll be ready to give it… to give us… another try.”

This time she closed her eyes and laughed. And when she opened them again, he was smiling back at her. Looking very pleased with himself. Well, he should be. Because despite her relaxed attitude, his words had detonated in her chest with the force of a nuclear blast, demolishing what was left of her resolve to keep him at arm’s length.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m OK with what we have now, Lise, and I’m not gonna ask for more. In fact, I’m not asking for anything. I’m just telling you what’s gonna happen eventually. Out of courtesy. Because I’m a gentleman, you know…”

“You’re also so humble, I admire that in you.”

“I know, I don’t like to gloat.”

She just kissed him. What else could she do?

As he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, pulling her into his lap, he felt his engines coming back to life at the speed of light, and he decided not to tell her what else he had in mind. As soon as possible, he needed to make some variations to the agreement he had with Debbie. He wasn’t going to have any second kid with her. Whatever was going to happen with Lisa, he was starting to feel slightly uneasy about the whole deal. It just felt so… incomplete. Plus, he already had two babies on their way. And if indeed there were any chances for him and Lisa to start again, no intruder should be allowed into their relationship any longer. It had to be a clean slate.

He kept his thoughts to himself. She didn’t need to know, not now. He wasn’t going to overwhelm her with his plans concerning another woman – and the fact that he had never touched Debbie didn’t matter. He and Lisa had other things to focus on, right now.

Already slightly breathless, he broke the kiss and backed off enough to observe her starting to sway in his lap and against his penis, slowly caressing its length with her own warmth. He searched her eyes and all the while his pelvis pushed up and into her, almost in an automatic motion.

“Lise…”

“What…” She held onto his shoulders, still rocking against him. Her eyes were glazed over. “Stop talking… You said enough.”

“Paris.”

“What?” She tried to look at him through half-closed eyelids.

“Our baby girl’s name… I was thinking… Paris. If you like it.”

She stilled, her rationale reemerging from behind the backdrop of passion.

“Paris?”

“Yeah. What you think?”

“We had our honeymoon in Paris…”

“I know… So?”

She ran her thumbs along his jawline, then leaned in, speaking in a whisper, against his lips, before invading his mouth with her tongue once again. “I’ll let you know.”

As he kissed her back, Michael slightly lifted her body off his lap and positioned her where he needed her to be.

Mumbai, November 1996

For the first time in weeks, he knew he didn’t have to hurry, check the time difference, go after her and be afraid she would be cold, distant, casual or – even worse – out with some other guy. In fact, he knew he didn’t need to be the one always calling her. He was sure she would look for him, too. This time, she had taken notice of his schedule and was very much aware of his commitments. She had been watching him from afar. And she knew for sure that, by now, he was already back at the hotel after his show.

Since they had spent their private week together, first in London, then in Tunis, things between Michael and Lisa had taken a new direction. Nothing had been formalized officially, if not in some half-playful, sex-crazed way in the midst of extremely vulnerable moments of their lovemaking, or during the hushed nights they would spend talking and just reveling in the presence of the other. But sometimes words were not needed to understand that a faint glimpse of hope was indeed visible in the apparently perfect darkness.

The turning point, for both of them, had been letting their guards down. Becoming vulnerable. Talking openly about anything. Willfully deciding to be fragile. Frailty hid so much force. So much courage. Quietly, without saying it out loud, Lisa and Michael had chosen to be brave.

The most difficult part had been saying goodbye, albeit momentarily.

Watching her leave, at the airport, had been excruciating. Michael’s eyes had followed her petite form until she had disappeared inside the plane, after turning one last time to wave at him. Even from a distance, he could tell that she, too, was upset. He had raised his hand as agony whipped his soul from the inside. Outside, he had just smiled at her. He missed her already and he just wanted to see her again. They had parted ways before, but once again this was different. Everything was different now.

Then he had left for Asia. October had gone by, almost in a haze. He had performed, smiled, waved, entertained, danced, sung, taken care of Debbie from afar. He had done everything that was expected of him. All the while, he and Lisa had never lost contact. They had spent hours over the phone, talking a lot about their baby – a little less about their relationship. Which was still undefined, but was there nonetheless.

Some nights, when the longing was particularly intense, their endless phone calls had even explored different territories, managed to get more intimate, and way, way hotter. Michael and Lisa would always hide the scope of it all behind their considerate parents shit, even when it was clear that their sessions of phone sex had nothing to do with it.

“What are you wearing right now, baby girl…”

“Guess. And then tell me what you want to do to me…”

It was starting to get old, but it was the only defense they had left.

He counted the days until he would see her again. Two more months, and then he would finally be back to the States. And maybe – well, perhaps in the meantime he would be able to convince her to meet him somewhere again.

Yeah, not likely. He was in Asia. It would be a long-ass flight for Lisa, even chartering the best and fastest plane on the planet. She was pregnant. He didn’t want to put her at risk in any way. At the same time, he couldn’t fly back for a quick meeting with her either. His tour was backbreaking: eighty-two concerts spanning the entire globe with stops in fifty-seven cities. Thirty-five countries. Five continents. He also had very short breaks between his shows. He was exhausted and needed this Asia and Oceania leg to be over as soon as possible. He needed to rest, regroup and start thinking about the future.

When his phone rang, he was still in the bathroom, naked after his shower. He grabbed the device from the marble countertop and flipped it open.

“Hey, I thought you had fallen asleep…”

At the other end, Lisa laughed. “Really? It’s about two in the afternoon in L.A., Mike.”

“Oh, right…” He grabbed his watch, which he had placed on the sink before stepping into the shower. It was almost three in the morning where he was. God, he was tired. His mind was a blur.

“You, on the other hand, should be in bed. It’s late over there.”

“I know, right? Then why are you calling?” He smirked, glancing at his own reflection in the mirror, running his fingers over his clean-shaven face. He looked even paler than usual. He hadn’t been sleeping well at all, but he wasn’t going to tell Lisa.

“I just wanted to know how you are. Are you getting some rest? What are you doing?”

“Not much. I’m just standing here, naked.”

She snickered. “You might as well get dressed, then. You ain’t gonna get any right now, honey. I’m at the park with the kids.”

“Aw. Bad timing, I guess…” He grinned.

“Right… But hey, I wanted you to know, today I felt Paris kick for the first time. I mean, kick for real.”

Michael’s eyes lit up.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. I was lying down in bed this morning, still half-asleep, when I felt her.” Lisa laughed.

“And how was it? Tell me… Describe it to me… I wanna know everything…” He leaned his back against the sink. His heart was racing in his chest.

“Well… OK. At first it felt like butterflies, nervous twitches… or like tumbling motions… And then I woke up and I realized, she was wiggling around in there.”

Michael smiled, closing his eyes.

“Wiggling around? So it was like… A goldfish flipping over? Tiny air bubbles?”

Once again he heard her low, husky laughter.

“More like popcorn popping in the lower part of my belly… It was cute. Soon it’ll feel more like a donkey kick but hey, so far so good.”

“Oh, baby…” He just couldn’t help himself. He took a long breath. “You just don’t know how I wish I were there with you, right now.”

“Well, by the time you’re back, she’s gonna feel like a cat wiggling in a bag, so get ready for some serious jabbing, daddy.”

“Lisa… I can’t wait.” He was no longer playing, now. The thing he wanted more than anything else, at that very moment, was to rest his hand on her baby bump and feel completely at peace, devoid of any internal struggle, of obligations and burdens. “I miss you so much… both of you…”

A long silence. He wasn’t expecting anything. And then she spoke and said something he hadn’t heard in a very, very long time.

“I miss you too, Michael. I really do.”

The blur in his mind disappeared. Once again, hope resurfaced and he just listened to her breathing at the other end of the phone. Emptied of any verbal ability and so full of love.

“Mike… You still there?”

He exhaled.

“Yeah.” A small, relieved smile graced his lips.

“When you come back… I was thinking… Maybe we can talk about what you told me in Tunis. About us… About January, that is.”

His smile got wider. What a perfect moment.

Only a few days later, news of Debbie’s pregnancy would leak to the press, while Michael and Lisa were still at two opposite corners of the planet, helpless and unable to count on one another against the hurricane destroying their fragile dreams.

Only a few days later, Michael would find himself in the presidential suite of the Sheraton-on-the-Park Hotel in Sydney, Australia, ready to get married to a woman he had never been in love with.