Arcana | 16 – The Devil

Arcanum 16 – The Devil

The Devil can refer to a sum of money coming in or everything associated with large financial transactions, which may sometimes be shady or secret. He is the great Tempter who, in the material domain, refers to the desire for wealth. He will also represent a promising contract, but one that needs to be studied closely to avoid being deceived. The Devil can in fact lead, impartially, to fortune or ruin.
On the other hand, he is always a good omen for questions concerning creativity. He evokes the depth of talent, the wealth of inspiration, the tendency of a true artist, and intense creative energy.
Just like Arcanum XIII, The Devil can frighten the reading subject a priori. He is charged with all moral and religious taboos and reflects the very image of evil. The tarologist should therefore orient the reading to enable the person consulting him to go beyond the sexual or creative prohibitions that have been imposed upon him or her, and to reconnect to the power of the depths in which our subconscious is rooted. This is also the place where the passions are anchored. The Devil often refers us to the sexual dimension of a relationship: a bond of passion. He can also refer to the desire to know this kind of union.

Tokyo Dome, Japan, December 26th, 1988

Michael opened his eyes slowly and stared at his own reflection in the mirror. Karen was still fussing with his makeup and talking a mile a minute, but he had stopped listening to her a while ago and had closed his eyes, almost caught in some sort of meditative state that managed to keep him perfectly still, utterly present, and yet someplace else.

The barely muttered “uh-uhm” that he let out every now and then would have to do.

Taking a deep breath, he assessed the result of the long process he was forced to endure every single day, and more prominently when he needed to be in public. Or when he had to go on stage, like he would do in a few minutes. It was good. For a while, he would still be able to manage his skin disorder, even though it had gotten worse in the last year. And then… Well, at one point he would just become unmanageable.

He hated it. He hated what it did to his body. Damn vitiligo!

For the life of him, Michael could not understand how Lisa could ignore it as if it didn’t exist.

As a matter of fact, she seemed completely unfazed by it. As if that skin disorder wasn’t that big of a deal and he looked… well, normal. Like everybody else. Like any other man she could have chosen… instead of him.

He had even asked her, a couple of days earlier – while they were in bed together, waiting for the strokes of midnight to signal that Christmas had arrived.

“You sure are something.”

“Mh?”

They had been lying on their sides in bed, facing each other in the room only illuminated by the yellowish light of the night lamp. And they were naked. As usual. Since their reconnection, it seemed to Michael that he and Lisa had never stopped making love, and that every time they were together it would happen. Every time was like the very first time… and the last one.

At that very moment they were taking a break, and Lisa looked enraptured as she traced his chest. Her fingertips were slowly roaming all over his skin, following the route of the discolorations. He had found himself just as enamored by the sight of her beautiful body, her tousled hair, and the quiet peacefulness that she seemed to exude as of late. When she had started to touch him like that, his natural instinct had been to recoil and hide. But then he had just stilled and let her use his skin like a canvas, her fingers like a paintbrush.

“I have no idea how you manage not to be grossed out by it.”

His voice was very calm and quiet in the silence of the night, and Lisa had looked up at him. She seemed clueless.

“Grossed out by what?”

At that point, Michael knew that he had an escape, if only he wanted to back off. But the bed and the post-orgasmic bliss always created the perfect conditions for their most heartfelt and honest conversations. He was aware that both he and Lisa would have to learn to communicate just as correctly while they were not making love, but for now he guessed they could give it a rest.

“By my skin.”

Lisa had frowned.

“You’re silly.” Scooting closer, she had started to kiss his collarbone, his chest. Showing him just how much she was un-grossed out by him. He had felt the tip of her tongue caress his nipple and follow the line of his muscles and had shivered in delight. “I love everything about you, Michael. Every little thing that you are makes you, you.”

And that had been it. He had almost choked up and, out of sheer instinct, his hand had come down, resting over her baby bump. Right then and there, Michael had realized that, as much as unexpected this pregnancy was, he could not imagine another girl carrying his baby.

“I think you’re good to go.”

Still examining his face, Karen straightened up and leaned back against the makeup console, once again watching him with an unreadable expression.

“I think so too. This new product works much better, you know… Doesn’t wash away when I sweat.”

“I know. And you sweat a lot, Michael.” Karen laughed and he smirked at her, a bit lopsidedly.

“I know. It’s because I…”

“…Put all your heart on stage. Yeah, I know. You told me a million times.”

“Maybe because you asked me a million times.”

“Whatever…” Throwing her hands in the air in a dramatic fashion, Karen started collecting her stuff. “Hey, uhm… Why isn’t Lisa here?”

There she was. Fishing.

Michael studied her for a moment, trying to gauge her mood and her intentions. Lately, Karen had started to behave a little more strangely than usual and, sometimes he was under the impression that she was maybe a bit jealous of Lisa,. And it would have been stupid, since Karen was engaged at all and she and Michael had never shared anything but a friendship. However, it wouldn’t have been a new experience for him at all. In the past six or seven years, Michael had begun to notice that people tended to cling onto him more than they did in the past. That sometimes they seemed to fight among them to get his attention and consideration. And that they didn’t like having outsiders around.

Lisa still being one of them. The outsiders, that was.

Lisa said that it was because of the “gravy train” and, in the past few weeks, Michael had started to ponder over her words more than he had ever done before. Maybe it was because the baby had shifted his focus in such a significant way and his entire world was desperately looking for a new balance. Some sort of equilibrium where everything that he was familiar with could coexist with what was new and still unexplored. He was still working on that and he was willing to bet he would need some more time.

Yes, Michael knew that people like Frank – but he wasn’t the only one – were not especially happy that Lisa took so much space in his life. But they had to make peace with it. They weren’t running this circus. Michael was.

“She wasn’t feeling well, so I suggested that she stayed at the hotel.”

He remained unspecific on purpose. Karen was a notorious big mouth, and she didn’t need to know about the pregnancy. It was more than enough that she had caught up about Lisa and Michael’s rekindled relationship. And that was inevitable, given that they didn’t do much to hide how they felt for one another, even when they were surrounded by Michael’s staff. However, it was best if some things stayed in the shadow for a little longer.

“Is she jet-lagged?”

Michael tilted his head.

“Ah… No. We’ve been in Japan for days now.”

“Right…” Sighing, Karen rummaged in her purse. “Hey, you want me to make sure she’s better? I can call her…”

His eyes narrowed. He didn’t know if he had to interpret her offer as an olive branch or another way to gather intel. Asking around. Involving people who had no business butting in.

“No, we’re good. Thanks, Turkle.”

“Hey, anytime. I just…” She stopped mid-track, closed her mouth, shook her head, then spoke again. Michael closed his eyes for a moment, bracing himself. “…I don’t know, Michael. You seem so distracted. Stressed out. As if you had a million things going through your mind. And you’re only like that when she’s around. So you know… I just wonder if maybe I can do something to relieve some of that concern. If you need any help handling her… Just so you can do your thing.”

“I am doing my thing.” He paused, staring at her. His face calm, but transparent in his seriousness. “And I don’t need any help with Lisa. We’re fine.”

“Well, yeah, OK, but still… You’re wrapping up the tour, why is she even here? I thought she would fly back to L.A. but…”

“Karen – Lisa and I are together. She’s exactly where she’s supposed to be. Where I want her to be.”

Karen studied him.

“Are you sure about that?”

OK, now she was starting to rub him the wrong way. If there was something Michael hated, it was to have people tell him what he thought, wanted or felt.

“I am sure. I will see you later, OK? I gotta go back onstage.”

He saw her blush and the usual discomfort that accompanied those rare occasions when he made people feel uneasy was nowhere to be found. He allowed the silence to fill the room and didn’t say another word and, eventually, Karen just nodded her head and left. Michael knew that he still had about ten minutes before actually going onstage, and the last thing he wanted was to keep fending off his makeup artist’s delusional innuendos.

Sadly for him, he had utterly miscalculated his chance of being alone for a second, as the moment Karen left, Frank entered the room, chewing on his cigar. He looked in a splendid mood, while Michael’s – well, it could have been better.

“Mike! My man!” Frank opened his arms and pulled Michael into a tight embrace.

Michael patted his manager’s back, frowning. What the hell was going on, now? God… he really needed this tour to be over.

“What’s up, Frank? Are you OK?”

“I’m fan-fucking-ta-stic. You got no idea what I gotta tell ya.”

Pulling back, Frank stared at Michael and kept smiling, the cigar firmly trapped in between his teeth. He looked high and Michael knew that look. It was there every time Frank sniffed a good deal.

“What happened…”

His voice sounded cautious and, possibly, a bit exhausted. Lisa had not been feeling well for real, and he had been honest when he had told Karen that she had stayed at the hotel. Pregnancy-related side-effects. Michael didn’t want to risk it and she had promised she would join him later, at the stadium, if only she felt better. Just to see a little bit of your show, she had added, touching his face and causing his heart to skip a beat. He had kissed the palm of her hand, saying nothing, hoping that she would indeed feel better and appear backstage. Because performing while he knew that she was watching him made every night way more memorable.

“I just got a very interesting phone call, and I can’t wait to tell you about it… I know you gotta go, but you gotta give me three minutes here. Three minutes! They’re gonna be enough, I promise. You’ll reach the stage strapped to a missile, Mike, you’ll see. That’s how happy you’re gonna be.”

Ah… Michael wasn’t sure about that. Frank yapping a mile a minute wasn’t helping either. The only thing Michael really, really wanted was to get the show done and drive back to his suite, and relax. However, he sighed and sat back in the small chair in front of the mirror. Only, turning his back to it.

“Go ahead, then. I’m all ears.”

“OK, listen to this. There’s something on the table, Mike. Something big. Here in Japan, you’re loved, so I’m not entirely surprised, but still… This has potential.”

“Get to the point, Frank… I can’t stay here forever.”

Frank glanced at his watch and nodded.

“Right! So, anyway… There’s an investor here. A massive financial investor that is ready to give you a lot – and I mean a lot! – of money for a residency here in Tokyo.”

“A residency?” Michael scrunched his eyebrows. “What kind of residency?”

“The location, we’re still sorting out. But the point is, these people are ready to pay us big bucks if you agree to just perform here twice a week until 1990. Can you imagine? Zero pressure, no more jet-lag, no more flying all over the world like a madman. And more money than we can make on tour, that’s a given. ‘Cause sure as shit people would fly all over the world to see the Michael Jackson in the same place, almost every night, instead of following him around like a herd of puppies.”

“A pack…”

“What?”

“A pack of puppies… Not a herd.”

“Whatever. So. What you think?”

Leaning back into the chair, Michael bit his lip.

Well… He had to admit, the offer sure was tempting. From a business standpoint, it would solidify his superstar status in a way that was unbeknown to any other artist in the world. It would be another Guinness record, something never seen before. It would be majestic and it would give Michael the chance to experiment with technology in the country that, more than any other place on the planet, was the absolute master at that. He could only imagine the potential.

But at the same time, accepting that offer would also mean to uproot Lisa and himself from home. And have their baby there, in Japan. Which wasn’t a bad idea per se, only Lisa had a family back in the States. And so did he…

And just like that, the two souls that he had come to know so well started to battle inside of him. The reckless, ruthless businessman that he had always been, the part of him that had allowed him to on top of the world – no, that had propelled him there. And the deepest, most private part of who he was. The man that he was becoming. The partner, the soon-to-be father. No longer just the artist.

For a moment, it occurred to Michael that maybe this was the root of it all. For his entire life, since he could remember breathing, had been shackled and enraptured by his work, by his art, by his drive to become more prominent, better, more influential and groundbreaking than he already was. There was almost no more fertile soil left, no space for something else to grow and blossom. And become just as big and strong. Even his emotions, or most of them, had always been so absorbed by what he did. The professional mingled with the man that he was. Sometimes those two parts blended into one. The realization was startling.

“What about Lisa?”

He knew that it shouldn’t have asked. Dileo wasn’t the right person for that kind of question. But it had just come out and Michael hadn’t been able to stop it.

Frank watched him with a puzzled expression on his face.

“What about her?”

Right… Dileo didn’t even know about Lisa’s pregnancy. Not that she and Michael would be able to hide it for much longer anyway. The sweatshirts and baggier clothes she had started to wear as of late, at one point, wouldn’t be enough anymore.

“Well… I’m with her, now. You know it. Lisa and I, we’re back together. We’ve been trying to build something solid for ourselves… Something different than the first time around. And I am not sure this is the right thing to do, in this new scenario. She’s not in the picture at all.”

Frank’s eyebrows sprung up in genuine surprise.

“But she can be, Mike. If you want. I can make it happen. I can try to have you two nice and cozy in a beautiful family home, and you can stay here for a couple of years… I mean, the lady’s so young, what harm would it do? If anything, it would be a great experience for her.”

“In that case, she should be the one deciding. Not you… Or me.”

“Of course! I would have spoken to you both, had she been here tonight.”

Michael gave him a deadpanned look.

“Liar.”

“Well… OK. Maybe not. But still… Michael, don’t throw it all away. That deal, I mean. We can work it out. And you can have it all. The woman you wanna be with… and the prestige of a one-of-a-kind chance.”

“If you’re thinking about using Lisa as a prop for my career, Frank…” I will get rid of you before you can even blink, Michael thought, but didn’t say it.

Dileo raised his hands in a submissive gesture.

“I am not, Mike, I swear. That was never my intention. I only have your best interest at heart, you know it. And Miss Lisa’s too, of course. Because I know you care about her. I just wanna help you out, here, can’t you see it? That’s my job. To make sure every step you take goes smoothly. That you can keep thriving.”

Michael just stayed quiet, staring at his manager. Whose cheeks were suddenly very red. Frank was sweating and Michael knew that he hoped he would get an answer right away. Only, that was not possible. Too many ifs and buts to take a definite stance at the moment. He needed to clear his head and think about all the possible outcomes. And Frank understood it the moment Michael rose from the chair and gave himself a last look in the mirror, before heading for the door.

“Mike… Will you think about it, at least?”

“I will think about it.”

Lisa was late. And glancing at her watch, she knew that at this point in the evening Michael was already halfway through his show. She still would have the chance to enjoy him onstage for about an hour, and then he would be done. And, just like it had happened since his first concert in Tokyo, he would likely waste no time and insist they go back to the hotel.

On some occasions, he hadn’t even changed his clothes. He had just wrapped himself in a robe or a blanket before jumping in the car with her, sweaty and flustered, his breathing still uneven and his adrenaline sky-high. In those moments he was always pure happiness personified, smiling from ear to ear.

And every single time she had been there, by his side, a few feet away from him as he performed, he had always told her the same thing. After the show or during his quick breaks.

“Lisa… Baby girl… You just don’t know what it does to me, to see you backstage, watching me. It’s almost like having you out there next to me. Or right here, in my heart. It’s almost as if I can sing all my songs to you. It’s magic.”

That had pretty much become his standard reaction – surprised, elated, every time – and Lisa couldn’t do anything but smile, as she pulled him close to her, her fingers tangled in his sweaty hair, kissing him and loving how passionate he was while he reciprocated. More often than not, the moment they arrived at the hotel they would already be on the verge of combustion.

Yes… Since their short stay in Okinawa, their emotional and sexual connection had become even more intense. To be honest, something had changed when they had made love on the plane, in that tiny bathroom that was barely enough to contain the two of them. Or their bodies joined together.

Damn… The memory of those few minutes when everything had disappeared still managed to make Lisa tingle. She had to admit, Michael had turned her into a sex fiend. As long as she hadn’t seen him, Lisa had experienced zero sex drive, no desire at all to take her own pleasure, let alone to have intercourse with anyone. For a while, she had even thought that maybe it would be like that until the birth of the baby.

But then Michael had taken back what was his – her love, and their child – and he had kidnapped her heart and her body once again. Since that first time in her apartment, they had pretty much never stopped making love. It was no surprise that they had been so carefree and brazen even on the friggin’ plane.

And she had to admit that the experience had been beyond hot. Beyond intense. She had felt a new fire in him, a difference. Michael seemed much more aware than ever before, much more present not only in the moment but in general. Caught in the intensity of their lovemaking but also very much absorbed in her. Not that he hadn’t been that before, in a way, but Lisa felt that something had changed. Or was changing and maybe it would be a long metamorphosis.

In the past, they had jumped headfirst into their affair. She used to think about what they had shared as a relationship, but now she knew that it was not the case. They had been immature and foolish, pretending that nothing and nobody would be impacted by their choices. And that was the reason why they had crashed and burned so quickly the first time around.

This baby, now – this baby that, in a way, had been sought but also unexpected – seemed to act as their anchor. Keeping them joined. Keeping them focused. The baby that was growing inside of Lisa had been hers and Michael’s ultimate act of defiance. The last pit-stop of their immaturity and the beginning of another journey.

Bill gently touched her elbow as they walked together toward the side of the stage.

“Are you sure you feel better now, Lisa? Can I get you anything?”

He was so sweet. So gentle. In a way, Bill always reminded her of Michael and in her opinion they could have easily been father and son. In some way they were. Bill Bray was firm, yet gentle. He never needed to boast. He was focused and determined and knew exactly what needed to be done. Just like Michael. And just like Michael, he embodied a concept of masculinity that never needed to be over the top to be perceived as manly. Besides, Lisa felt that she could trust Bill and that Michael could too. Which was rare.

“No, Bill, thank you. I feel much better now.”

“Did you eat something?”

Lisa laughed.

“Has Michael eaten something?”

Bill shook his head.

“He never does before going onstage.” He squinted his eyes. “But I think you’ll take care of him afterward.”

There was not a hint of double-meaning in his words. Bill meant what he said genuinely. He was the exact opposite of most of the mega-managers Lisa had found herself interacting with, whenever she was in Clearwater. The lascivious, foul undertone of their words could hardly be ignored. Just like their contempt for Michael.

Lisa cringed inside thinking how highly her mother thought of those people. How she would consider them their friends.

Her mind wandered back to Christmas Day, when Michael had gone above and beyond trying to make everything perfect for her. From waking her up while kissing her, telling her how much he loved her, to his beautiful present: a drawing that he had made of her while she was asleep. From the fantastic menu at lunch to the long, slow, languid lovemaking session in the afternoon.

Lisa had felt pampered, loved, cared for like it hadn’t happened in a very long time. When he had blushed, and his eyes had started to shine as if he was holding back the tears after opening his present – which was quite impressive, since she had ordered a Ferris wheel for his ranch – her heart had about burst out of her chest. She didn’t think he would ever be able to comprehend how much she loved him. How completely, desperately in love she had been with him pretty much from the get-go.

She had reveled in the long hours they had spent on their own. Nobody else but the two of them. Eventually, she had spoken her mind, because she knew what had been the reason for Michael’s unwavering commitment in making her Christmas day special.

“Michael?”

He had been playing with her hair as they relaxed on the couch, watching an old Hollywood movie. His arm was around her shoulders and he held her close to him, their bodies united, breathing in unison.

“Mh?”

“Thank you for today. I will never forget.”

He had looked down at her, his eyes serious and inquisitive. It had taken a while for him to speak.

“Today for the first time since we got back together, I felt like I kidnapped you. The way I was raised… Christmas never meant that much to me. I learned not to care because there was no other way. That’s why it was never a problem to be flying all over the world, and not being at home. But maybe you…”

Lisa had placed a finger over his lips.

“Stop. Everything I want, everything I need… is here with me.” Her hand had moved, touching his cheek, while her other hand had come down and covered her belly.

Michael had smiled, and Lisa’s world had found its axis.

Right now, two days later, Lisa sat backstage and crossed her legs, sipping her ginger ale. Bill had insisted, and eventually she had been unable to say no. As she sipped her drink, her eyes stayed fixed on Michael – who looked otherworldly beautiful and entirely in control of the stage.

Lisa took immense pleasure in just observing him without being watched in return. So far, he had not noticed her presence, and it was more than OK. It gave her a privileged point of observation. She could watch the night unfold through his eyes, or at least try to. He still didn’t know that she had arrived and maybe, at this point of the night, he believed that she would just stay at the hotel. Yeah… Fat chance. No way she would lose his last show in Japan. After this night, they would take a couple of days off just to allow Michael to rest, and then he had asked Lisa if he wanted to go with him visiting a kid, back in California.

“A kid?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s his story?”

He had tilted his head.

“Do you have time?”

All the time in the world.

And so Michael had told her that the child, who was twelve, “needed some friends.” When Lisa had asked him to elaborate further, he had explained that David – that was the kid’s name – had survived a horrific act of abuse. His father had set him alight with the intent of killing him. David was now severely disfigured and Michael thought that he needed all the love in the world, and friends. True friends.

He had told Lisa the whole story in a very calm manner, without any drama, almost matter-of-factly. As if he was used to seeing so much pain in the world. So far, he and Lisa had decided that it would be best if Michael kept visiting hospitals on his own, without her, because her presence would have caused even more havoc. It had surprised her that he now asked her if she wanted to go with him.

“So? What you think?”

“Do you really want me to be with you?”

Michael’s face had distended in that beautiful way that, as of late, would always attest to his complete openness.

“I would love for you to be with me. For real.”

She had just smiled.

“I can’t wait to meet him.”

It was the truth. One day, maybe, she would be able to tell him how proud she was of him. How much good he brought to the world, and how happy she was to be by his side.

And right now, another side of Michael permeated the world with its presence right before Lisa’s eyes. It was that of the consummate performer. It wasn’t surprising that he hadn’t noticed that she was there, yet. He was wholly absorbed in what he was doing and, in a way, Lisa liked it that way. As much as she adored being by his side all the time, she knew that a balance could be reached only if both of them would be able to step back and let the other one do their thing. Whatever that was and whenever it was necessary. Just like now.

His sweaty skin sparkling in the spotlights, Michael moved in a way that had nothing human. He looked as beautiful and untouchable as an alien. And maybe, in a way, he was.

Lisa watched him as he consumed himself onstage, giving everything – every single thing that he had. Every ounce of energy. Every drop of sweat. The sight was both disconcerting in the best way and arousing, and she felt the familiar heat rise in her belly. Shaking her head to herself, she wondered if she would ever be able to stop desiring him like she did. Longing for him, all the time.

Not likely. She could easily imagine herself still wanting him with the same passion after years and years of… relationship? She knew – deep down Lisa knew that Michael was it for her. He was that one in a lifetime love. And whatever was going to happen from now on, she would never be the same.

Her hand came down automatically, resting over her belly that now showed a soft swell. She loved kids and had always wanted to be a mother. The last thing she would have imagined, however, was that she would have loved her baby daddy just as much.

And just like that, as if an invisible deity had snapped its invisible fingers, Michael started to moonwalk backward. Then he created a perfectly square figure on the floor, as he would usually do toward the end of his Billie Jean performance. His hat pushed down on his forehead and almost covering his eyes, he moved in a way that made him appear as if he was floating mid-air. Lisa couldn’t do anything but stare, in complete amazement. Every time she saw him dance, it felt like the very first time.

Then he started to strut in her direction and, for a moment, their eyes locked. He had seen her. Lisa smiled, then she blinked and Michael was lost into the darkness that hid just outside the perimeter of the spotlight.

A handful of seconds later, reappearing into the light, he threw his hat toward the crowd and the stage went pitch-black, quiet.

Lisa closed her eyes as her head started to spin. She had noticed that, since the pregnancy, she has become way more sensitive to the sudden change from light to darkness – and vice versa – than she had ever been before. For a moment, everything became the crowd. Cheering, applauding, yelling. Nothing but that sea of people waiting for Michael to reappear for the final encore.

And then, just like that, she felt him. She smelled the unmistakable scent of his skin, perceivable even when he was drenched in sweat, and she simply took in his presence. As her eyes slowly got used to the dimly lit backstage, Michael appeared right in front of her and crouched down, his hand on her knee. He smiled at her and Lisa smiled in return.

A second later, his fingers touched her cheek and he pulled her close for a kiss. A long, sweet, longing kiss. Lisa framed his face with her hands, loving to feel his erratic breathing between further small kisses.

Michael pulled back.

“Careful, Lise… I’m all sweaty.”

“I don’t give a shit… Kiss me again.”

Another one of those blinding smiles and, for just a little bit, even the crowd was forgotten. It seemed to her that it was nothing but the two of them. That nobody and nothing else existed as they kissed some more.

“I love you. So damn much.”

It was the only thing she could tell him, and she saw him swallow, staring at her with a weird look in his eyes. Then his gaze fell, for a second, on her belly. Then up again.

“God, Lise… I love you too.”

The last one. The last song. The one where he would ask his audience, and metaphorically everyone, to stand up for their brothers and sisters. Michael performed it with all his heart and tried to stay focused, even though his eyes couldn’t help but seeking Lisa every time he had the chance.

She was just so beautiful, sitting there, staring at him. Smiling ever so slightly. As if enraptured in something he could not really pinpoint. Michael knew he had an effect on people, but had never wondered about the impact he would have on the woman who loved him for him. For the man hidden behind the mask.

What he did know, however, was the effect that having her there had on him. Just a few minutes earlier, when he had first spotted her and had run to her just to say hello, give her kiss, make her feel that he was there, present, in the show but also in their relationship, he hadn’t had the time to say anything but those few words. He was in a hurry, he had a costume change and then needed to go back on stage and wrap up the night.

While instead, he would have wanted to tell her that, despite her reassurances, he knew that sometimes she felt alone and that she was still scared. Still dubious, afraid that he would pull back one more time. Or to lose her faith and back off herself.

Which was not what was going to happen. Michael knew it because he felt it. Just like he felt that everything was different, better, more manageable and more secure when she was around. He had missed her, earlier that night.

While he performed, Frank’s offer had kept replaying in his mind like a never-ending mantra. The possibility, the potential – all there, on a silver platter, ready for the taking. And yet he had been unable to say yes right away. Which wasn’t exactly unlike him, since Michael would always think things through ad nauseam before making a decision. But the reason behind his state of suspension was different than usual. Typically, he would have known what he was going to say in the end and would have just let things sizzle a bit, just to perfect his plan to the last detail. This time he had left just promising that he would think about that business deal because he really didn’t have a clue. He had felt split in two: the performer, pulling in one direction, and the man, pulling in the opposite one. Two souls now lived within and sometimes they still struggle to coexist.

But they had to.

He had jumped on stage hoping that the adrenaline and focus that always accompanied his performances would help him clear his mind. Still, his thoughts had been a blur throughout pretty much the whole night.

Until she had arrived and he had seen her. After knowing that she was there, feeling her before his eyes could even intercept her.

And when he had finally touched her, smelled her, kissed her, just for a moment – just for a tiny, fleeting moment – the fog in his mind had vanished.

Now, facing the crowd, ready to say goodbye, Michael realized that he wasn’t just going to do that to the people in front of him. He was going to say goodbye to a few things altogether, and hello to others. As he sang his heart out, he remembered how Bill had stayed with Lisa at the hotel, earlier that night, just being with her, if she ever needed anything. And the melancholy Michael had felt, realizing that he had to go while she was feeling unwell.

Then the confusion brought by Karen first, and then Frank. The intensity on the stage, music invading everything, even his neuronal cells, making him feel wired and filled with adrenaline, immersed in his own element and wanting to be someplace else at the same time.

And then eventually, the sudden peace of mind.

Michael threw Lisa one last glance, then opened his arms, symbolically embracing the whole crowd. His eyes closed, he focused on their voices for a minute, absorbing them, making them his, part of him – forever. All of a sudden it occurred to him that his fortress might end up becoming his prison. And Lisa’s. And their kid’s. For now, he was still dominating his career but, if he didn’t pay attention, his career would end up dominating him. Blinding him, making him unable to see whatever else waited for him just outside those invisible walls.

He loved his art. It was everything to him. His music had allowed him to survive, to thrive, even. But he would not allow it to consume him until there would be nothing left, nothing for Lisa to love anymore, nothing for his baby to look up to.

Michael opened his eyes and smiled, staring at the crowd.

“Thank you. Thank you so much… And goodbye. This was my final show in your beautiful country… And I know I will see you again in the future…” He paused. “But right now, I have to go home. And when this tour will be over I will take some time off… I’ve been on tour for two years… Now it’s the right time to focus on something else… On myself… My life, my future… And on the woman I love… Lisa Marie.”

The crowd erupted in applause and cheering, and he took a deep breath, feeling as if a huge burden had just been lifted off his shoulders.

It felt so good, for once, not to be hiding. To be released from his ego fortress and just go with the flow, no second thoughts. To just accept the most natural and human part of him, to honor it, instead of being guided by reason all the time.

The taboo was broken, and Michael felt free.