Unraveling – Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – Where has our folly gone

Jasper, Alberta – Two months later

Susanne Chloe Plumb’s eyes were unreadable. As black as opal, they seemed to shine every time the light hit them. They also made a perfect pair with her jet-black hair, styled in a Valentina-like bob hairstyle that made her look like some out of time creature.

The moment Michael and Lisa had first seen her sitting at her glass desk, they had wondered why this creature that seemed to come from a sci-fi novel set in a dystopian future had decided to set up her office in Jasper, in the Canadian Rockies within the Athabasca River valley, and a few steps away from the local National Park. The doctor would have looked much more in tune with a large and aseptic office in Tokyo, all things considered. Manhattan, too, would have looked great on her.

However, doctor Plumb had made no mystery of loving the outdoors. In fact, when Michael had expressed his surprise at the location, she had laughed it off.

“You’re surprised? That’s nice. Allowing yourself to be surprised by such trivial things is always a great start. But anyway, Mr. Jackson, I work – and live – here because I love trekking. I could never stay in the city for more than a day in a row. It would snuff out my inspiration.” The doctor had turned her eyes from Michael to Lisa. “Please, take a seat. Let’s get to know each other a little better.”

That woman right there was considered one of the best couple therapists in Canada. And possibly, she was also the only one that could pull them Michael and Lisa out of the quicksand they were trapped in.

They had found her after long research and several pointless first meetings with other professionals. None had worked so far. In some cases they were too prejudiced or too starstruck to be of any help, while in some other instance their approach was not something Michael and Lisa felt comfortable with. But then they had found doctor Plumb – who actually had made quite an impression on them during their first conference call. There was no way in the world that they would travel all the way to Jasper just to waste precious hours with another nutcase. This marriage thing was serious to them and it had to be treated as such, and time had now become of the essence. In the blur that their relationship had become, that much had become clear at least.

Michael and Lisa had spoken about it, after making love that night, several weeks earlier. Well, not really that night. After taking each other that way, they had just snuggled close and had fallen asleep together. But the next morning, while they shared a quiet and weirdly comfortable early breakfast together, they had agreed that pretending that everything was going the way it was supposed to go would make more harm than good in the long run.

It had already happened before, after all.

Michael had just sipped his tea quietly. Lisa didn’t know about Christine yet, and that fact alone made him feel guilty as hell. In fact, it made him feel like the biggest shithead on the planet. But he couldn’t tell her now. He couldn’t risk losing her because of bad timing. They had made love after months of physical deprivation and it had been magic – albeit fairly quick, a soft tendril of hope. A few minutes sitting in Christine’s car had been enough to make him understand that he would have never been able to move things along with anyone. He just didn’t want any other woman but Lisa, and the desire he had felt later that night for his beautiful wife had been explosive, to the point of making him lose control almost immediately.

Which was so unlike his usual performances.

The realization had made him feel slightly uncomfortable. He was so used to subject his woman to the highest amount of pleasure for the longest time, and the previous night he had just been so… inadequate. Yes, of course, he had perceived Lisa’s intensity – he knew that he had been able to satisfy her, but he also had wanted so much to keep going. Coming so quickly, so abruptly, was just something that had happened only on exceedingly rare occasions to him.

However, after that much-needed first time she had just turned in his direction, facing him and then snuggling against his chest. He wanted her again, so much. But he had also understood that, more than anything else, she needed to feel him close. That she wanted him to hold her, comfort her. That she needed not only the intimacy that came with sex, but also with the aftermath of their lovemaking.

And so, he had just stroked her hair and kissed her forehead until she had fallen asleep.

It had taken him hours to be able to do the same.

Michael was aware that what they had done had been beautiful and yet unprecedented. But he also knew why he had taken her from behind, while normally that would have just been the appetizer. It wasn’t only because he had come within minutes like a virgin. It was also because he couldn’t bear to face her after what he had done to her earlier that afternoon. And so he had gotten close to her in the only way he could, knowing well that he needed to feel her, to let her make him hers, to cleanse him from what he had done. To reclaim what was hers by right.

He was also afraid that what had happened the previous night would not mark any real new beginning. And in fact, he and Lisa hadn’t made love anymore since then.

Resorting to couple therapy had become inevitable. And that was exactly why they were there, in Jasper for the fourth time in a month, subjecting themselves to this emotional torture.

Oh, Michael felt uncomfortable as all get-out and the first three sessions had been hell. He was not used to talking about his feelings in such a vulnerable way and was very much aware that his public mask had been solidly at its place for the entire time. But then he had realized that they had noticed. Both the doctor and Lisa knew exactly what he was doing. In fact, at one point during the second session his wife had turned to look at him and had touched his hand.

“Mike…”

“Yes, Lise.”

He had smiled at her sweetly. She was frowning, the little crease between her eyebrows was visible and he had realized that he was in trouble.

“Are we here to do this thing seriously? Or not?”

She wasn’t mad, just… miffed. And possibly deflated. His smile had faltered slightly.

“Of course. This is totally serious.”

“Then remember that this isn’t an interview with some magazine. This is about us. Please, Michael.”

He had thought about the perfect reply, but then had just closed his mouth. Lisa was right on the money. His self-defense mechanisms were out in full force and he had to keep them on a tight leash. It wasn’t easy, but it had to be done.

And so Michael had forced himself to be truly open, to be truly honest and transparent. It had been beyond challenging, especially at the beginning, and mostly because life had taught him to conceal his feelings. That stuff could be used against him at any time, after all.

However, bit after bit, opening up had become easier and Lisa had been a huge help.

Despite being a painfully shy person behind her tough girl image, he could tell that she really wanted this thing to work. And when she answered the first question that doctor Plumb asked her, Michael’s heart almost busted open.

“If you could tell Michael one last thing, what would it be?”

Lisa’s eyes had stared into space for a few seconds.

“I would tell him… That I really love him to pieces, no matter what. I wish I had always known with such clarity.”

God…

He didn’t want to lose her. Ever.

“Michael?”

Doctor Plumb’s voice had reeled him back to the moment, and he had glanced up at the therapist briefly.

“Yes.”

“What about you? What would you tell Lisa?”

His eyes had closed for a moment. He had taken a deep breath.

“That she’s always been my wife in my heart. And that I’m so very, very sorry.”

Interestingly enough, doctor Plumb had not asked him to elaborate on the reasons why he was sorry. But he was sure that time would come. And he was right.

In the previous therapy sessions, Michael and Lisa had tried to explore the fundamental reasons for the crisis plaguing their marriage. Some things that had come up had to be expected, while others… Well, others were certainly surprising. At the very least, Lisa had seemed stunned by the insight that such sessions could reach. But after all, she had never gone through couple therapy. And neither had Michael.

He had admitted that at times he felt as if he was suddenly growing old and he feared that he wouldn’t have time to do all the things that he wanted to do. Which resulted in some sort of paralyzing fear, in some limbo where he would find himself floating helplessly. Trapped. No way out. Maybe if he stopped doing everything, time itself would take a knee. Of course, it didn’t work that way. Midlife crisis was real.

“You feel trapped in your identity and lifestyle, Michael?” Doctor Plumb had asked.

He had been playing with a little piece of paper that he had found all crumpled in his pocket. His eyes downcast, even though he could feel the heat emanating from Lisa’s body, sitting next to him on the comfy couch. He knew that she was tense.

“I just… I don’t know.”

“But you changed that lifestyle according to your current needs, didn’t you? That’s what you told me.”

“Yeah. I mean, yes, I did. I did what I wanted to do and Lisa supported me.”

Automatically, he had reached out and held Lisa’s hand for a moment. She had stayed motionless and Michael didn’t know if it was a good or a bad thing.

“I think that, after 2005, your life has changed so much. You can’t blame yourself if you still feel the emotional repercussions of it all. Healing takes time, no matter what.”

He had set his jaw. He didn’t want his mind to go… back there. He had just shaken his head.

“I don’t even know if it’s about that. I just feel hopeless sometimes, for no reason at all. And that hopelessness is fueled by…” He had squinted his eyes, trying to find the right words to shape his sensation with maximum precision. “…An acute awareness of time passing. Or maybe I still need to get acquainted with this new life. I lived quite a different existence for over forty years, you know.”

Doctor Plumb had scanned him with her opal-like eyes. She had paid no mind to his obviously defensive tone.

“See, this is an interesting observation. An acute awareness of time passing should only be uncomfortable if you feel trapped in a life that feels empty or inauthentic.”

Oh, she was so wrong there. His life was far from empty or inauthentic. He had everything he needed. He just couldn’t… appreciate it fully and…

Once again Michael had shaken his head.

“That’s not it at all. I love my life. And I love my wife.”

“I am sure about the latter. Not so much about the former. I don’t think you feel that fulfilled… yet. I think you’re still carrying a lot of baggage.”

He had glanced up at the woman. Yes, he knew that doctor Plumb’s approach differed from that of any other therapist he and Lisa had considered hiring. But this was unexpected, nonetheless, and he felt a bit cornered. How dared this stranger to slap him in the face with such horrendous doubts? He loved his life! He had been through hell and had survived! He had made it! He was a fucking champion and…

“Michael?”

“Yes.”

His voice was utterly calm and controlled, giving away nothing of the turmoil within.

“Have you noticed that you are clenching your fists?”

How could she manage to sound so neutral, so… normal? Michael had stared at his own hands. Of course, she was right. All the fury that he had been repressing was kept prisoner there, in his closed hands.

At that very moment, he had understood that the doctor knew. She knew that he felt the pressure mounting, and that at times he desperately grasped at a chance for pleasure and vitality. It had nothing to do with Lisa at all, but everything with his own demons. Shadows that he had never really been able to dissipate despite his best efforts. Shadows that now threatened to drown his future.

She was worried about him.

While Michael tried as best as he could to verbalize what he so obviously had kept bottled up for so long, Lisa watched him out of the corner of her eye and realized that the only thing she wanted was to take him into her arms and comfort him. Love him and reassure him. She knew how difficult all this was for him and her instinct was just to take care of him. First and foremost. Even whisk him away, if that was what would make it easier for him.

But she did nothing. She knew that what they were doing was necessary, if they didn’t want to crash and burn like it had happened when they were married the first time. And to be frank, this whole thing wasn’t a piece of cake for her either. Having to do this was more than challenging.

Emotionally speaking, the first therapy sessions had been beyond exhausting for both of them, to the point that they had not been able to speak while they drove back home from Jasper. Michael and Lisa were way too busy metabolizing what had come up during the hours spent with doctor Plumb.

Damn, she was good. Unorthodox, but good. Lisa knew that she and Michael were an unusual couple that likely needed a unique approach, and this therapist that they had found seemed to fit the mold. Too bad that the entire process was just extenuating.

Of course, there was not a doubt in Lisa’s mind that Michael had been going through some sort of midlife crisis. She had a daily front seat and watched that show every day. And it also made all the sense in the world that he felt that way. Their relationship – their marriage, even – had resumed in a very emotionally intense moment of his life. And hers too, in some way. He had been fighting for his life and freedom in court, while she was breaking free from a cult that had kept her shackled for years and from a mother that had been too suffocating to really understand what was right for her daughter. And also, from a relationship with a man that yes, seemed kind enough on the surface, but was more in tune with Priscilla than he had ever been with Lisa. Lisa referred to him as “the other Michael” – the wrong one.

When she and the only Michael she had always wanted had gotten back together, their worlds were turned upside down and they both had needed each other to the point of desperation. Their collision craved some semblance of stability. They wanted a safe shelter. They had to find something more in their lives. Love and comfort were like oxygen for them, at a time where their entire existences were going through the umpteenth deconstruction and reconstruction.

They were together because they loved each other deeply, Lisa knew that. She felt Michael’s love and she was just as sure that he could feel her love for him. As a matter of fact, it seemed absurd to now think that, at one point in time, she had doubted his feelings. Why had she been so blind? Who had blinded – blindsided – her?

It didn’t matter anymore. Her mind was clear in that department, and Michael’s was too. However, it was just as apparent that it was hard to keep up the same intensity that had brought them back together. In the long run, you had to slow down. It was inevitable.

Lisa focused on the question doctor Plumb had asked her.

“If I think Michael is unhappy in this marriage? Is that what you’re asking?”

The therapist scribbled something on her notepad.

“Well, I am asking you what the reasons for his frustration are, in your opinion.”

Lisa played with her wedding ring. Sat by her side, Michael stood perfectly still but she saw him set his jaw, as if steadying himself for whatever answer was going to come.

She took a deep breath.

“Well… I think he loves me.” She turned to him and touched his arm ever so slightly. “I know you do, baby.”

Michael just stared at her with sad eyes, then nodded his head. She kept talking to him. She kept her eyes on him, not the doctor.

“But I have this feeling… I don’t know, Mike. I have always felt that you have lost all fascination with the very concept of marriage a long time ago. Because of what happened between us… Or maybe because of what happened with Debbie… I’m not sure. I just think that it spoiled it for you.”

“No, Lise… I mean… I don’t think…”

He stopped and rubbed his forehead in frustration. Was she right? Was this aspect part of the equation, too?

Suddenly, it became clear to Lisa that Michael was not sure either. That maybe he had never really thought about it. But she knew that the whole thing played a role in their crisis, and the signs had always been there. Michael’s inability to fully commit when they had first gotten back together after their divorce. The constant push and pull. His desire to have her close contrasting with his desire to maintain his freedom untouched. It was all right there. It always had been and now the big secret was somewhat out, and it was hard to brush it back under the rug.

“I think we live such different lives now…” Michael cleared his throat. “I mean, we’re a couple, of course, but… We both tend to do our own thing, separately… We don’t spend much time together anymore. Well, that’s not entirely correct. We do spend time together, we sleep in the same bed every night, but most of what we do is parenting…”

“And you’re a great father, by all accounts,” doctor Plumb chimed in. “However, you and Lisa not spending much time together is not a cause… It’s an effect of something else. It’s, in other words, a symptom.”

“But I do wanna say that…” Lisa’s eyes were now downcast. “There’s something really important I wanna point out. I now know that Michael is possibly the greatest father my kids could ever have. Our kids… They’re lucky. He is amazing.”

Silence followed and when she spoke again her voice came out small, almost whispered.

“I wish I had known this, back then.” Her head dropped a bit. “Maybe we wouldn’t be here today if I had.”

Once again, nobody spoke for a few minutes. Lisa knew what the root of that silence really was. She and Michael had been walking on eggshells for years, whether they admitted it or not. Their inability to speak the truth about too many unsolved issues that had plagued their long, complicated relationship had mixed with the sudden fear of losing what they had so unexpectedly regained. If when they had gotten back together they had been committed to going through the trial, to survive, later it had become a habit. To not talk about what had caused their last, nasty breakup. To not bring up the doubts and concerns that still resided somewhere inside of them. To not threaten their marriage, which had been a blessing. To pretend that everything was fine for the sake of their son, for all the kids, and their own sake.

Love had been the foundation of it all. But love didn’t mean perfection. Not by a long shot. Lisa had always known that too. And yet, she wouldn’t change the imperfect relationship with this man she adored with anything else in the world. She only wanted to make it work. She didn’t want to make the same mistake again.

“OK…” Doctor Plumb put her notepad down. “I have no doubt that Michael is a great father, just like I know that you, Lisa, are a great mother. But we’re not here to discuss your flaws as parents, since apparently you don’t have any. We have been discussing your relationship, your marriage, trying to unearth all the issues that are still buried somewhere. One word still seems to be missing, though. It’s boredom.”

“Boredom?” Michael and Lisa spoke in unison and the therapist nodded.

“Yes, boredom. It’s normal. It happens. Nobody is immune.”

“My relationship with Lisa has always been many things, but boredom was never one of them.”

Lisa turned to look at Michael, her heart squeezing in her chest. His cheeks were flushed and it was pretty obvious that Plumb’s words had ruffled his feathers. Tenderness invaded her – and passion, as usual. He didn’t like to have his relationship questioned. Besides, he was right. They had never been a boring couple. If anything, maybe a little bit of flatness would have done so much good during their first marriage… maybe. Possibly.

Flatness. Normality.

“Many things? Good. We’ll talk about that later. But yes, boredom is a real thing, not an urban legend. Marriages are about love, about choosing one another, but also compromise. They are punctuated with deadening routines, at times cyclical arguments and repetitive conversations. Earlier, Lisa said something interesting: you two got back together in a very emotionally charged moment of your lives. The intensity was sky-high. To assume that it will always stay that way would be foolish. Human beings need to relax and recharge, to unwind, they need to have a place to relax and feel safe… They can’t always be in ‘flight or fight’ mode, which, by the way, seems to have been your mode for a very long time. You’ve been about survival for so long – by your own admission.”

Plumb’s eyes moved from Michael to Lisa.

“Well…” Lisa clasped her hands in her lap.

“The point is, relationships are hard. It’s in their nature to be complicated. And you are two complicated individuals who live an extraordinary life. If maintaining a happy coexistence with the person you love has its challenges in normal conditions, which you may start to experience now to some extent, it must be incredibly difficult when the circumstances are not favorable. Like during your first marriage. Or afterward, for that matter. The scars could still be there, albeit invisible.”

The therapist took a deep breath.

“For years, and once again per your own admission, you floated in some sort of a gray area made up of all the reasons why you wanted to stay despite sometimes not being happy, and all the reasons why you wanted to leave despite being in love. We talked about this during our preliminary meeting, remember?”

They sure did.

Lisa remembered all of it. She had spoken about her fear of the relationship ending without notice or sign, while Michael had been able to admit that he might have experienced some sort of phobia of commitment. Or “relationship anxiety”, as the therapist had called it. Whatever its proper definition was, Lisa knew all about it: Michael’s reluctance to fully devote himself to her again due to their previous experience, his inability to rebuild complete trust, their complicated family dynamics.

And even Michael had done the unthinkable. He had spoken, openly, about his trust issues associated not only with his painful divorce from Lisa, but also with other people that he had been close to. He had admitted that he had always wanted to be in a healthy, long-term relationship, but also that his anxiety had often overtaken his desire to let himself go fully.

For some time right after their divorce, when he and Lisa had started to reconnect, he had been able to prevent himself from getting involved at all. Lisa remembered those times very well. Back then, she and Michael would mostly end up fucking whenever they met. There were no soul-searching conversations, no illuminating moments of mutual understanding, no promises, no oaths of eternal love. Even though they loved each other, it was desire and longing that would always burn everything to the ground.

After a while, Michael had grown weary of relationships and women in general. He was attracted to them, but also didn’t trust them. After all, why should he? If it couldn’t work out with the only woman who could truly understand what being with him entailed, the only woman that really was pivotal in his life except for his mother, why even bother trying?

“Do you feel like you have lost intensity? Your sexual pull?”

The doctor threw the question on the table as if it was the most normal thing in the world, and Lisa noticed Michael blushing right away. Fidgeting in his seat, too. She knew that he hated talking about his sex life, that he was so shy about that when it came to people he was not familiar with. It didn’t matter how dirty and steamy he could be in the privacy of their bedroom.

She cleared her throat.

“As far as I’m concerned, I desire my husband immensely. I always have.”

She hoped that her words sounded formal enough to be believed, but also that they conveyed all the longing she felt for Michael. Most of all, she hoped that he could sense it.

“But…?”

She glanced up at doctor Plumb. She obviously was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Lisa blinked.

“But, what? I don’t know. Michael, do you want to say something?”

Please, say something.

“No, go ahead, Lise.”

Dickhead!

“OK, well…” She took a deep breath. Fuck it. “I love him. I want him. I miss him all the time. I am so tremendously attracted to him. Always have been. He’s like a drug to me. He makes me fly. However, we got older and I really am kind of afraid of that intensity now. When we were younger, we would…”

God, how could she even explain this while not sounding entirely out of her mind? It was embarrassing. Because it was personal stuff and she knew that she had to share it.

“…We used to master the art of fighting and fucking like pros.” She turned to Michael. “I’m sorry, baby. I gotta say it. You know it’s true.”

Michael cleared his throat and loosened the tie that he was wearing, then he undid the first button of his shirt. He was starting to sweat because he was nervous. Oh, well – he would have to suck it up.

“What I’m saying is not graphic or gratuitous in any way. I just mean that there are parts of me that are afraid that it’s gonna be too much for us to bear if we find that intensity again. Because it always brings out so many things. So many other feelings. So I always think to myself – no, let it go. If you don’t, maybe you and Michael will end up fighting and it’ll be nasty like it used to be and maybe you’ll break up. And I really don’t wanna lose him again.”

She had spoken while staring at her own hands, busy tormenting the hem of her blouse. She felt her cheeks on fire. She had never, ever said any of this out loud. Not to Michael, at least. By her side, she heard him exhale a shaky breath. And then he spoke.

“In a nutshell… I’m afraid of the same thing…”

His voice was a husky whisper and Lisa was almost afraid to look at him. When had they become these polite strangers? Where had their folly gone?

Thankfully, doctor Plumb decided that it was time for her to intervene.

“A successful marriage requires a lot of work. So too an exciting marriage. You had that. For a while, you had both: a successful and exciting relationship. Then you lost it all, and now you have it again.” She leaned back in her chair, making it squeak slightly. “And here we are. It’s so easy to fall into the rut of habit, and right now, you seem to be going through some sort of soul-numbing boredom and mundane routine. Essentially, because you are afraid of the other side of the coin. But if you want to avoid fear, and if you want to avoid numbness, it’s up to you to change it. No outside force is going to do it for you. None of us should ever be sitting around, waiting for miracles to happen. We have this tendency to indulge in magical thinking and assume there will be some external factor that, at one point, will make everything different. It doesn’t work that way. Nobody can spice up your routine but you. Pretending otherwise would be fallacious reasoning. The inconvenient truth here is that you two are the only ones in charge of this change.”

Michael looked exhausted. He took a sip of water.

“Then what do we do?”

“You have already done plenty just by talking about it. It’s out in the open now. You have unearthed many things, from routine to change management, to the inevitable evolution that happens to every human being. But everything we have spoken about is the symptom, not the cause. Of course, Michael, you are a busy man. And of course, Lisa, you too are invested in your own work.” She tapped her fingers on the desk. “But that’s the result of something else, something that is at the roots of this crisis, and by mentioning fear, Lisa has barely skimmed the surface. I would like for you to tell me something you never said to each other. You think you can do that? And after we get there, we can start planning the next phase of your therapy, which will be, as you already know, quite unconventional.”

“I love unconventional things,” Michael mumbled, zeroing in on the only detail he felt comfortable with. Doctor Plumb looked at him for a moment, then turned to Lisa.

“Michael, Lisa… How many unusual things have you done with each other, for each other, as of late?”

Michael and Lisa exchanged a glance.

“Not many, I suppose…” Lisa muttered.

Doctor Plumb turned the page on her notebook.

“How so?”

“I don’t know. He’s busy. I’m busy. I just… I have no idea. Maybe we’re just tired. Maybe we’re just focused on too many things. This isn’t 1997 anymore. Everything has changed, as you very well know.”

“Well, that’s correct. But some things tend to repeat themselves. If one spouse or the other spends way too much time at their job, whether it’s paid or volunteer, you need to call them on it. If you feel neglected or bored, you need to let them know in a clear manner. If you think their priorities are confused or have changed, it is essential that they are aware of your stance. Keep the issues current and don’t relax: this is the key to truly start changing. If you don’t want your marriage to be boring, you have to make it more interesting and the first step you should move in that direction… Well, it involves being truly honest.”

Silence fell and the therapist allowed her words to simmer for a bit. Then she looked over at Lisa.

“Lisa Marie… Would you like to start? Tell Michael something he doesn’t know about you.”

This was a darn exhausting day. Lisa couldn’t wait to go back home. And yet she knew that going home later wouldn’t be as comfortable as she had initially thought.

She finally let go of the hem of her blouse and started playing with her wedding ring again.

“Well… OK…”

Oh, wow. For real?

Lisa had been making music and she hadn’t told him anything about it? Not one word? And she was also involved in a project for a new safe house for domestic abuse victims downtown? Michael just listened to her as she timidly put on the table a lot of stuff that he wasn’t even remotely aware of.

As she kept talking, he tried hard to remember if she had ever given him any hint. He squinted his eyes and something resurfaced in his mind, but it was a foggy memory.

One night, while he was falling asleep, Lisa had told him that she wanted to do more to help people. Women and kids that needed shelter, especially. It had happened months earlier, and the only thing Michael recalled was how tired he had been that night, after having spent the entire afternoon and evening locked in a meeting room with some investors. He had rubbed her back, kissed her forehead, and told her that they would talk about it the next day. And then he had never asked again – the thing had just slipped through the cracks of his mind altogether. Completely forgotten up until now.

How was it even possible?

“Lisa… You…” He had turned in his seat to look at her. “…I had no idea. I didn’t know the project was moving forward.”

She had just watched him with sad eyes.

“No, Mike, you didn’t.”

Because you never asked, her eyes also said.

About her new music, he didn’t even comment. He too knew the drill when creativity was involved and hoped that she would be the one finally opening up once she was ready. For now, Lisa said that she had started writing some new songs because she needed to let go of some parts of the past, but didn’t elaborate further. When doctor Plumb asked her why she hadn’t told Michael, Lisa simply replied that she was not ready to share that part of herself with him.

OK, that was unexpected. Michael was stunned. And hurt.

Talk about a cold shower. Despite all their issues, he had never really thought that Lisa might feel the need to play so close to the vest, with him. How had it even happened?

Well, man. You were feeling another woman all up just a few weeks ago, so don’t act all surprised. It’s not that you came home that night and confessed everything to your wife. You waited until there was a therapist in between. You waited for a buffer. In fact, you still haven’t told her.

Speaking of which…

“Michael? What do you think about what Lisa just said?”

“Well…” He blinked. “All things considered, I am sure she had her reasons not to tell me. I know I haven’t been that present in our marital life lately. I am lucky I got a wife that takes care of so much when I don’t.”

“But that’s not what a partner should do. Not all of it, don’t you think?” Doctor Plumb clasped her hands under her chin and rocked in her chair. “A woman, a wife, can support – but she’s not there to serve you.”

“No, I mean, yeah, I know.”

His gaze dropped. Some mechanisms were so ancient and so ingrained inside him that it didn’t matter how much he thought he had evolved in that department. Old lessons always kicked back in at one point or another. Michael knew that he hadn’t had any especially valuable example of virtuous marriage to take inspiration from, when he was a kid or a teenager. He guessed he had internalized some of that. The behavior of his father, the conduct of his brothers. The idea that women should be compliant and meek, that they should stay at their place and never intrude too much, that they should be nothing but caretakers for their men.

How funny it was that Lisa was the only woman who truly had been capable of making him soar and doubt his own beliefs. Yes, she was a caretaker. And yes, she was a gentle soul. But her submissive attitude pretty much ended in the sheets. Outside of the bedroom, she was independent and headstrong, a force to be reckoned with. How he had always adored and feared those impetuous parts of her.

“Alright… So, apart from reflecting upon what Lisa said… Have you thought about what you would want her to know about you that she doesn’t yet?”

There it was. His chance to be fully honest.

Michael bit his lip. His first instinct was to zigzag around what had happened with Christine and bring up something else. After all, that kiss had meant nothing to him and, if anything, it had helped him realize that he wanted to fix whatever was starting to crack in his marriage. Before it was too late. He wondered if the many stress factors he had subjected himself to, since they had moved to Canada, had played a role in his infidelity.

How funny it was that, after hanging up his dancing shoes for good because of the distress that the industry entailed, he was now embroiled in a project that at times felt just as overwhelming? That he had allowed his new plans to absorb him so much, and so quickly? Maybe some things hadn’t changed to the extent he had initially thought.

The businessman had taken the place of the artist. Looking down at himself, Michael noticed that even his style had adjusted, as if to mirror the new revolution that was taking place inside of him. Every glitzy detail had disappeared, replaced by a tamer, milder look. Just as classy, yes, but also different. The sleek business suits, the short hair, the neatly trimmed short beard. The ties. The shiny shoes. He knew that he had needed that change and now, all of a sudden, he felt a bit boxed in.

It looked like Michael had finally become a grown-up. With all the flaws that adultness entailed.

The realization hit him like a train at full speed. Whatever had happened with Christine was the result of so much more than a moment of boredom. It wasn’t even a game, a joke, something that could simply be brushed aside. It was serious and he could not hide it from Lisa – or himself – any longer.

He stared at his own shoes. He could maybe say it out loud, but he was not sure he could bear the look in Lisa’s eyes the moment she knew.

“Michael? Are you still with us?”

Doctor Plumb’s voice sounded like an anchor and he stared into the depth of the sea he had avoided to look at for so long.

“Yes…” He blinked and kept his head bowed. “There’s a woman I met… At work. And a few weeks ago, well… I kissed her. And I didn’t tell Lisa anything about it until now.”