Chapter 9

“I remember I fell in love with this girl in Prague. She was beautiful. She looked like Carol Lombard. She grabbed me in the alley behind my church, she pressed me up against the wall, she kissed me. I was so happy I thought I would die.”
-Stuart Blumberg

Exploring the planes and curves of Lisa’s body made Michael feel in a way that he thought he had almost forgotten. He guessed that it could be because, deep down, he had not expected her to come back to him, or to get closer to him again after what had happened in the park – or at the bar. Even less he would have imagined they would have ended up in bed together, making love as if their lives depended on it. Not anytime soon, at least, and especially not tonight, after fighting like in the good old days.

But hey… After all, even in the good old days the fucking would usually follow the fighting. Their never-ending circle of heaven and hell.

The previous day, out there in the snow, he had felt Lisa’s hesitance but also her desire. It didn’t matter with how much passion she had reciprocated his kisses or how she had clung to him while he held her. He could tell that she was scared. Terrified, in fact. So her admitting it, eventually, hadn’t exactly been breaking news.

However, what was more cloudy and confusing to Michael was the reason for her fear. When she had shown up at his door earlier that night, she had been able to surprise him because he had not been expecting her at all. He had genuinely thought that she would end up taking that ginger guy back to her room and the mere mental image had almost driven him insane. It had forced him to leave the Threshold and go back to the Nosticova Palace.

The drive back to the hotel with Wayne had been quiet, to say the least. Michael had been fuming and the only thing he had needed was to pretend that he hadn’t gone back to the sanctuary at all, after visiting all those families. Despite being exhausted, he had wanted to go back to the shelter in the hope to see Lisa after a whole day apart, and what he had found had been his ex-wife flirting with whatshisname. That red-haired guy that he thought he had already noticed in the pictures. So, all in all, it was perfectly fine that he was done with it after a while. The only problem was that Michael could only tolerate so much.

Wayne had correctly guessed his boss’ sour mood and had just wished him goodnight down in the hall, and Michael had spent over half an hour trying to unwind and relax under the shower. He had left his dinner intact on the table, in the living area of the suite. He was not hungry at all, but at least he felt calmer.

He was about to go to bed and maybe watch a movie – an R-rated one, perhaps – or read a book when Lisa had shown up, stunning him. It had taken him a bit to catch up on her intentions and, even then, she had not been clear at all. In fact, she had been all over the place and confusing as all get-out. Nothing new in that department either.

She had told him that she kind of wished him gone but also that she loved having him there. With her, around her, doing this thing with her. That they didn’t function together and yet she loved the way he made her feel when he was open and vulnerable. That she needed some sort of middle ground and maybe he did too.

What the heck did that even mean?

Michael’s mind had been a blur pretty much for the entire time. And then… Well, then a little light had gone off and it had occurred to him that maybe what had happened the previous night in the park did in fact mean something to her. That she had enjoyed it just as much as he had, and now she didn’t really know how to handle it. Perhaps middle ground meant that they needed to find a way to make their time in Prague as positive and pleasurable as possible, without burdening it down with the countless failures of their shared past. Maybe they needed to be a tad bit more lighthearted.

And then, when her eyes had become all glossy and shiny, his heart had dropped and whatever irritation had been plaguing him up until that point had just slipped away. Jealousy had too. After all, she was there, with him, and sure as hell she was not thinking about the ginger guy. Or any other guy.

Lisa had looked on the verge of tears, but also pretty much ready to leave the room. He could tell that she was embarrassed, that not even she knew how in the world she had ended up in such a fucked up situation. His messy little princess.

Suddenly, he had felt the intense need to just keep her there, where she was. Where she belonged. With him. At least for the time being.

“Lisa…”

“I better get going…”

“No, wait.”

“No, I gotta go back to my suite. This is stupid. It’s moronic that I showed up and now that I’m here I don’t even make sense. You’re right about that. Maybe I should have stopped at one beer. This was a mistake and I can’t even-”

Damn, did she ever shut up?

Michael had acted in what he felt was the only reasonable way. He had reached out and had gently taken her hand. The fact that she hadn’t pulled back had thrilled him beyond belief. He had stepped closer and had rested his other hand on the side of her neck as she kept murmuring stuff that, at this point, he was no longer listening to. And then he had kissed her again, just like he had done out there in the snow, where he had felt safe and protected enough to try his luck.

If there had been hesitance in Lisa, she had been able to hide it well.

What she had done the moment his lips had touched hers, had been to wrap her arms around his neck. Her fingers in his hair, her body heating up almost instantly. It had felt like an electric shock to him and he had stepped closer still, holding her. Her lips had parted and she had welcomed the gentle caress of his tongue.

It had felt sweet, almost tentative. However, when he had broken the kiss and they had stared at each other, something in her eyes had changed. She was no longer tearing up, and her gaze was glazed over. It had felt like witnessing stormy clouds about to become a blizzard.

Michael had recognized that look because he had seen it reflected in his own eyes countless times. It was lust. Sheer passion. Pure, undiluted, unavoidable desire. Yeah… he knew his girl. He knew exactly what she needed, because he needed it too.

Everything and everyone else had just vanished. All had been pushed aside, stopped existing. Their breakup, what had happened in Paris, the red-haired man that Lisa surely had fucked in the past, the women Michael had entertained himself with in one way or another. All had become far from influential, and he and Lisa were everything that remained. He had scooped her up without a word and had marched straight to his bedroom. Her lips on his neck, her tongue caressing his skin had made the short walk quite tricky, when all he wanted to do was find a wall and take her then and there.

In fact, Michael couldn’t even remember how he had managed to reach the bed.

And now, he just took a moment to fully immerse himself in the sensory experience that having Lisa writhing underneath his body entailed.

Despite the torrential desire that held them both captive, they were not in a hurry. Yet, at the same time, they weren’t wasting a single second and the most fascinating detail was the rhythm that they immediately had found again in their lovemaking. As if they were fucking for the first time and everything was still new and unexplored and yet, at the same time, as if they had never stopped being close that way.

Michael was kneeling on the bed, between Lisa’s parted legs. She was already naked, except for her panties. He too only wore his pants, as she had pretty much ripped his t-shirt off him. Not that he complained.

She was now arching her torso up to his hands as he caressed her naked skin. Her hair was a tousled mane on the pillows and she looked more beautiful than he could ever remember. When his fingers found her breasts, the exhilarating feeling of her nipples pushing against his palms forced him to swallow hard. This was much, much better than any X-rated movie… or any female company he had had in the past months. If only she understood the effect she had on him.

Leaning over, he began kissing her pelvic bone and inhaled deeply. The familiar scent of her arousal was comforting, alluring and exciting in equal parts. He saw goosebumps on her skin and the sound of her moans and sighs became the biggest confirmation he could ever receive. She was as turned on as he was… And he wanted her so much, in so many ways. His pants weren’t the only thing about to explode – his heart too had expanded, and had begun calling out to her just like it had always done. Right now, it was so difficult not to tell her how he felt – deep down, underneath the layers and layers of self-defense mechanisms they had built over the years. It was so hard not to tell her that he was still in love with her. That he loved her so much.

He glanced up and noticed that Lisa was staring down at him with those bedroom eyes that had always haunted his dreams. Her beautiful lips were parted, her breath uneven, her cheeks flushed. She was holding onto the sheets with one hand while the other caressed his head, his shoulder. Michael wondered what was going through her mind, but didn’t ask, afraid as he was this he would spoil this almost perfect moment.

“Lisa…”

She blinked and he had to close his eyes for a moment just to regain some sense of self-control.

“You’re so gorgeous… All of you…” He kissed her again, right under her navel, the tip of his tongue tasting her sweet skin. “Baby girl… I can smell how turned on you are… You want this? You really want this?”

That much, he needed to know. He had to make sure that she would not regret this in the morning.

She moaned, ever so slightly, then exhaled a shaky breath. Her legs too quivered. Michael waited, giving her the time to truly assess the situation, even though blood was thumping between his temples and there was at least a part of him that already needed significant relief. The palm of his hand was still resting on Lisa’s flat stomach and he focused on her uneven breathing, on the fluttering of her muscles, hoping that her body would give him the confirmation her words seemed unable to provide.

But then she did something. She covered his hand with her own in a warm, trusting gesture. He opened his eyes just in time to see her sit up. Her small hands cradled his face. Then her lips found him and they kissed. Her tongue spoke a language that didn’t need any sound to make itself clear. Simultaneously, her right hand moved again and touched him through his pants, almost making him jump out of his skin. Up until this point, he had been the one leading the game and she had allowed him to do whatever he pleased with that perfect lithe body of hers. She had let him undress her, lay her down on the bed, get reacquainted with her body as she opened up to him completely. But she had also been shy when it came to initiating something. Insecure. And now something was finally changing in her demeanor. This was the first time she touched him in almost a year and the whirlwind of fire began swirling in Michael’s belly.

She caressed him, held him through the black fabric of his pants and he about lost it there and then. But also, she gave him all the reassurance he needed. She was sure of what was happening. She definitely wanted this just as much as he did. And maybe making love was exactly what they were supposed to do. After all, they were stressed out and riled up and needed to relax. And they both knew damn well that they had always been able to find that comfort together. At least when it came to this.

Michael’s hips pushed against her hand and she kissed him again, then bit down on his bottom lip as her grip on his steel tightened, making him strain in her grasp. Another electric shock ran through him. It looked like Lisa was not at all in the mood for talking, but her stance couldn’t be any clearer. As he sat back again on his calves, she followed him, her mouth finding his neck and collarbone, his chest, his nipples. Her fingers finally tugged at the elastic band of his pants and he was happy not to be wearing any underwear. He didn’t remember the last time he had needed her to touch him so bad that it almost hurt.

He tried to help her out, craving the skin-on-skin contact, but she pushed his hands away. Okay… He understood the message. Maybe she too needed some sort of control over what was happening, and he was cool with it. He would always feel accepted and powerful with Lisa, and it was okay to allow her to do what she wanted with his body. As long as she stayed right where she was and was meant to be all along – in his bed. And as long as he could stay where he needed to be – between her legs.

Needing to do something, anything, to move things along, he slowly pulled her panties down the perfect, smooth lines of her thighs and she immediately closed her legs a bit, allowing him to speed up the process. Great… it looked like they were back at being on the same page. Searching her eyes, he noticed that she was staring at what she had finally freed from the constraint of his clothes. He glanced down at himself as well. Yeah… he knew he was mighty turned on. He had been for a while now. And no other woman had ever been able to put in such a state so quickly.

Her hands rested on his hips for a moment and, for just the most fleeting instant, Michael felt more self-conscious than he had ever felt with this woman.

Was she hesitating? What was going on? Had she changed her mind about him after sleeping with another man? Maybe she didn’t find him that attractive anymore. Maybe she was about to leave his ass empty-handed and lonely once again. If she left now, if she told him that they had to stop, he didn’t know how he would be able to pretend that everything was fine or could somehow be fixed.

“Michael…”

Her voice, husky and low, almost managed to startle him.

“Yeah…?”

Their eyes finally met and she stared at him for a moment, then shook her head slowly.

“Damn… I’m so fucking glad I still have this effect on you…”

Instantaneous relief.

He exhaled and smiled, and when she smiled back at him, all his fears seemed to disappear. At least for the time being. Kissing her again, he gently pushed her back.

“Yeah… Some things just never change. Lie back down, baby girl…”

“What, aren’t you gonna let me play with it for a bit?”

Michael’s smile broadened.

Well, it did look like some of her spunk was finally back. It occurred to him that perhaps he wasn’t the only one who felt a bit insecure about this. Maybe she hadn’t been expecting what was happening either, and was trying to find a way to navigate it. And if that was the case, he was more than eager to help her out.

“The night is young…” He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her closer, making her yelp, then laugh. “But for now…”

She bit her lip and her eyes sparkled as she kept staring at him.

“For now, what… what you gonna do, Mike…”

“For now, I think we both need something a little more drastic…”

“You think?” Her voice almost sounded like a purr and it was such a familiar, comforting sound. “Show me, then, big boy… Whatever it is, I can take it.”

“Oh, I’m sure you sure can.”

Reaching down for himself, Michael skillfully used his steel to tease her. Knowing well that this was a game that could easily backfire on him. And not caring one bit. All of a sudden Lisa seemed to be in a playful mood, and he guessed it was because that lighthearted attitude gave her an opportunity to better handle the whole situation. He knew. Being sarcastic and carefree was what he needed too. The mask was solidly in place once again, and no visible vulnerability remained. No cracks, no dents.

However, right now he also needed something else. Holding her thighs against his hips, he slowly entered the pure, liquid heat of her body. His eyes closed automatically as he savored the feeling of homecoming in all its intensity. Faintly, almost in the distance, he heard Lisa moan and felt her body tense, struggling to take him. It would always, always happen when they made love again after quite some time. And the thrill of that first hit never vanished. Knowing that he was the only one making her feel that way gave him some sort of vertigo that was hard to explain. He only hoped that she felt the same way.

Thinking about the past, Lisa was all he had ever dreamed of in a woman and, at times, also everything he couldn’t stand or live with. But he had always loved the ambiguous, contrasting nature of his love for her, and it was hard to push it aside and pretend that it wasn’t there, when he very well knew it was. Lisa was his craziest ride. She always had been. She had been able to shatter all his preconceived ideas about women and he had quickly fallen in love with her, despite trying not to for quite some time. After all, she was married – and he was focused on his career. He had to keep some semblance of emotional distance, it didn’t matter how enticing and alluring she was to him. But it had been inevitable at one point, and loving her had become as natural as breathing. She, too, had at times told him that she struggled to remember what it felt like to not be in love with him. As if her life before meeting him again was nothing but a blur, as if it was all predestined.

But that was the past, wasn’t it?

Now their priorities had changed, and they could only make the most of what was being offered. And so Michael did – by beginning to move.

Lisa immediately held onto his forearms as he caressed her torso, her breasts, her hips again. It was as if she needed to steady herself and their eyes locked. He felt her fingernails pressing into his flesh as once again her body tensed and writhed, her back arching. Her warm, strong legs cradling him, her skin heating up. Still kneeling on the mattress, feeling as if he was bathed in fire, he moved inside her body and it was slow, yet with every thrust he managed to push her up on the bed. He realized he wanted to mark her his with an intensity that almost bordered on lunacy.

His fingertips found her center. It was hot, slippery, and he applied just the right amount of pressure, knowing how she needed to be touched. Remembering every single detail about how her body responded to him. He wanted her to come, to remember what it felt like to be loved by him, and he could tell that she was already close. He knew it and felt it, because all his senses were harmonized with hers.

Lisa too seemed to be entirely in tune with him. When he began to caress her, her eyes widened and her lips parted. She took in a big gulp of air and then reached down once again, covering his hand with her own smaller one, following his movements without really needing to guide him. She trusted him – at least when it came to this. At least when it came to sex, she knew that she was always safe with him.

Michael knew that trust – broken, shattered trust, blown apart, together with way too many broken promises – was one of the issues that had caused this. All this. He was also aware that trust was one of the hardest things anyone could rebuild in a relationship, and that sometimes that goal just couldn’t be achieved. He had to feel relieved, in a way. He and Lisa were no longer in a relationship. They didn’t have to exhaust themselves searching for their Shangri-La anymore.

Then why did his heart sink when he forced himself to acknowledge a concept that should have already become an integral part of his current life?

His rhythm threatened to falter for a moment, but then she pulled him back into the vortex again. She did it by beginning to come all around him, screaming out, her head thrown back, her beautiful neck exposed, her skin shining with sweat. Her body held him prisoner and he picked up the pace, knowing that she needed to ride the wave hard to take every single drop of pleasure. Trying hard not to come himself. When she seemed about to float down from her high, he withdrew from her abruptly and went down on her, causing her to moan out loud again.

Her body spasmed, trembled and he closed his eyes the moment her fingers tangled in his hair and she held his head down.

“Oh shit… I can’t stand it…” Her voice was hoarse, huskier than usual. Thick like honey. “Please, don’t stop…”

He had no intention to stop. The moment his tongue touched her, he immediately realized how much he had missed her taste and the unique scent of her arousal. Her hips bucked up as she undulated against his mouth and he guided her straight into another climax.

She came hard and he felt the intensity of it all. It made him feel ecstatic, powerful. Whole again. In a way, right then and then, Michael was healed.

Panting, Lisa sat up and placed her hands on his chest, pushing him back gently, forcing him to sit back on his calves. They kissed again, with utter abandon, and she reached down, holding him, stroking him. He sighed and raked his fingers through her long hair. He just couldn’t get enough of this multi-sensory experience. The smoothness of her hair and skin, her scent, the blue-green of her eyes. Damn… He was fucked. She didn’t have to realize how fucked he was again. Head over heels, hopeless.

Before he could even find a way to regroup, she left his lips and her mouth descended on him. He moaned, staring down at her as he leaned back on his hands, his hips moving, gently setting the rhythm, without holding her or forcing her. He set his jaw. Normally, in different circumstances, this would be nothing but an appetizer, but this night was different. It was unexpected and he had no idea how to stop the volcano about to erupt. She would be able to make him climax if she so decided, and he didn’t want that. He wanted this to last. He wanted to use his own body, every part of it, to pleasure her for as long as possible… Especially if this was nothing but a one-time thing.

“Lise… Lisa, baby… wait…”

She slowly, almost half-heartedly, let go of him and their eyes met again. The sight of her beautiful face took his breath away.

“Lise… I love it when you do that… Nobody makes me feel like you do, but…” He touched her cheek with the back of his fingers. “I wanna be inside of you again… I wanna feel you when I come…”

She blinked. What? Too much? Not enough?

Grabbing him by the neck, she pulled him close for another steamy kiss.

Lisa didn’t know how she and Michael had ended up in bed together, but she was glad that he had been able to drag her out of the nonsense she had fallen prey to. Even if by kissing her, undressing her, fucking her. Over and over again. In retrospect, she knew that once she had found herself face to face with him, she had been unable to fully verbalize what had been so clear in her mind as the taxi drove her back to the hotel.

She had gone to his room just to tell him that Cesar wasn’t what Michael thought he was, and if he had been that at some point in the past, it was over. She didn’t know why she had wanted to do that, why she had felt that need to make her ex-husband aware of that. After all, it was akin to leaving herself vulnerable and open and inviting a lion to bite. But Michael wasn’t like that, really, it didn’t matter how her own fears and previous experiences distorted him in her mind. He wouldn’t do that to her. And he hadn’t.

As a matter of fact, the moment she truly had become defenseless he had immediately let go of the irritation that had been so obvious when he had opened the door. And when he had kissed her, after she told him that maybe they needed a middle ground, Lisa had realized that getting closer that way was exactly what she meant. Maybe without even knowing.

Making love to him had made her bleed inside, from beginning to end. The way he had taken her the first time, just kneeling in between her legs, his eyes locked to hers as he gave it to her strong and full, had made her come undone time and time again. Then his mouth had found her, his tongue had slid inside of her, as if he had to make up for all the time they had lost. As if he had been starving.

She had been too. She had needed to taste him, to have him lose his mind because she had decided that he had to. When he had told her that he wanted to be inside of her again, Lisa’s heart had broken some more. How could she even say no to him? Especially when he let his guard down like this. When he wasn’t the asshole that he could be. This game was addictive but also very dangerous. She knew. And yet, she couldn’t be without him now that they were close again.

The only thing she could do to protect herself was to keep a modicum of emotional distance. Of course, it had been relatively easy when he had taken her from behind, fucking her hard as she stood on her hands and knees, her hair wrapped around his fingers, his other hand resting, palm flat, on the small of her back. God, she had loved every minute of it. She had craved that familiar sensation of pleasure and pain, to be reminded what making love with him entailed. And despite not being able to see his face, she had thought to herself that it was better that way. Safer.

But when he had withdrawn and had made her lie down on her back again and had come to rest on top of her, all had become difficult again. Blurry. Because having him take her that way, slowly and deliberately, was heaven and hell. It was the ultimate seduction and the biggest curse.

His body adhering to hers, his lips on her neck, his eyes studying her face, taking in the visual manifestation of the intense physical rapture that she was experiencing. She hadn’t been able to hide from him, right then. At least, most of her couldn’t. No other man but Michael had ever made her fly while making love. Leave her body and become part of the infinite. No other man had ever been able to turn sex into something more than she ever thought it could be.

He didn’t need to know that what she was experiencing went way beyond the physical boundaries of her body.

Eventually, she and Michael had come at the same time, like it would usually happen when they were so completely in sync. They had stared at each other throughout it all, each reveling in the other’s pleasure. She had clung to him and had loved to feel him tense up and then release into her body again and again. It was one of the biggest turn-ons for her, and it had been since the very first time they had had sex in Japan. Just like back then, tonight too using precautions hadn’t even been an option. The doctor had been clear in that department. She likely didn’t need anything to avoid having any more babies. Her health issues, that damn blood clotting disorder that had been plaguing her for quite some time, made pregnancy very unlikely, and with Michael it had never happened anyway. Not even when they would try to become pregnant every chance they got. The umpteenth confirmation that they just didn’t work as a couple.

And now she was still in his bed, lying on her side, watching him mirror her position, his eyes closed despite him being fully awake. They were face to face and the atmosphere felt padded, ethereal. It must have been the snow. If, on the one hand, she knew that this was the perfect time to retrieve her clothes and go back to her suite, on the other hand she didn’t want to leave at all. She felt warm and comfortable where she was. Besides, it was late. Maybe she could indulge in this for a little while still. What bad could it do at this point? She and Michael had just finished one of their sex marathons, and she was not sure she had the strength to leave the bed anyway.

“You feel better now?”

His voice was low, husky and deep. She smiled, ever so slightly.

“Yeah… I think I needed to unwind.”

His eyes still closed, Michael too smiled. He was so handsome, still a bit sweaty, and his hair was messy.

“I thought so.” He opened his eyes slowly. They seemed to be laughing, and she could tell that he was relaxed. “I’m sorry if I was a bit gruff at first, but I needed you to just shut up for a minute.”

“What? …What a dick!”

She pinched his arm and he jumped.

“Ouch! Hey, watch it, little lady!”

Pulling at the bed sheet, he tried to protect himself from her assault by finding refuge under the covers. Lisa laughed, because in all frankness, she knew that he was being silly on purpose. She immediately came to sit onto his lap, pulling the sheet off his torso.

“Stop it. Don’t pretend you’re afraid of me.”

Michael’s eyes looked up at her as he held her by the hips, positioning her exactly where he needed her. Making her feel that maybe he still wasn’t done playing for tonight.

“But I am. You’ve always scared the daylights out of me, Lisa Marie. Maybe more than you’ll ever know or believe.”

The lightness in his voice held some tragic truth that almost gave her pause. Was that really it? Was he afraid of her? Well, if so, the fact that he scared her too didn’t change. But not right now. She wasn’t afraid of him tonight and felt that she could do this. As long as they kept it playful, maybe everything would be alright and they would be able to pretend that their once perfect and beautiful love story had been reduced to nothing but a big ball of bitterness and unresolved issues.

“Yeah? It sure didn’t look like it ten minutes ago…” She caressed his solid chest, followed the lines of his well-defined muscles.

“I know. And If you keep going, it’s gonna happen again before you can even blink.”

“Pretty sure of yourself, huh…”

He laughed, his head pushing back into the pillow, his hand caressing her naked butt in a familiar manner.

“No, it’s not that at all… I guess I’m just starved.”

Oh… was he? That was another interesting tidbit. Another little revelation while she kept stumbling around blindfolded. Lisa had heard the rumors about the countless women buzzing around Michael like mosquitoes, wanting to get into his pants because really, once one got to know the man it was very difficult not to crave him. It was hard to believe that he had never indulged in anything sexual since they had broken up. After all, she had. But maybe, if sex was the issue, the middle ground she was looking for wasn’t a stupid idea.

“Hey… what’s going on? Tell me what’s going through your mind, Lisa…” He sighed and studied her. “After all, I think we’re cozy enough to have some sort of decent conversation now…”

Oh, there he was – Michael the wise. She had to scoff.

“Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious.”

“Believe me, I know you are.”

“Alright… So?”

She raked her fingers through her hair and stared down at him. She was fully naked, sitting in his lap, his amazing cock half-hard and nestled between her legs. Was she really trying to be modest right now? Wasn’t it a bit ridiculous, all things considered? Besides, he was right. They were both in much better mood after some sexual healing. The pressure and tension had been off the roof and had made them both edgy and snippy. But it was different now. And in his eyes, she read all the openness she had once desperately hoped she would be able to find every day.

She kept caressing his torso as she spoke.

“What we did… I didn’t even know it was what I needed when I knocked on your door. You gotta know that. It wasn’t something I had planned.”

“But it was what we both needed. And Lisa… let’s be honest. You didn’t even have to knock. I knew you were there.”

“Whatever…”

He sat up and held her by the waist. His touch was firm and secure and when his face got closer to hers, she could not look away.

“Stop it. We ain’t fighting and you don’t need to be all defensive. It’s okay. I just wanna know what you want, Lisa.”

“What, isn’t it clear what I want?” She reached down and under the sheet and touched him, loving how he immediately reacted to the skin-on-skin contact. “You’re a smart man, Mike. I don’t think I need to say it out loud.”

His eyelids closed slowly for just a moment, then opened again.

“Then I will. You want us to be lovers? Is that what you want, Lise?”

This was a cleaner, more polite version of what he had asked her the night before, out in that park. But the gist of it was just the same.

“Maybe.”

Michael stopped the movement of her hand and moved it from his crotch to his leg.

“Yeah. Maybe that’s your middle ground, isn’t it… As long as we’re here at least. It’s easier this way. I get that.”

“I just think that even though breaking up was the right call, that doesn’t mean we gotta be fighting against something we both wanna do.”

He smiled faintly, but it never reached his eyes. In fact, it was a sad smile and Lisa could tell that he was far from humored. If anything, he had been expecting the other shoe to drop and looked slightly disappointed. And unsurprised. Well… she couldn’t always please him. She had tried to do just that for a very long time, and it had just never worked. She had never been enough for him, not as a partner anyway. But sure as hell they worked well when they fucked.

“Right. I know you think we tried enough and we obviously have very different plans.”

“Don’t we?” All of sudden, he was pushing all the wrong buttons and to cling to the coldest part of herself became a more than viable option. “You were obviously not ready to commit again… and me constantly feeling like I had to save you from something or someone was the most idiotic thing ever. A bit insulting to you, too. But I don’t even wanna talk about that… And I don’t think you wanna dig up the past either.”

Michael stared at her with those dark eyes that would always make her feel naked, devoid of any protection. He seemed to be pondering over her words. She wondered if he knew that, deep down, she had also always wanted him to save her – as silly as it sounded. And that for a long time he had done just that without even knowing. Until he had just stopped. The last thing she needed was to be his very personal charity case.

“You know… When we stopped being rough, earlier, it kinda reminded me of that first night in Tokyo.” He paused and bit on the inside of his cheek. “Yet I know all has changed since then. Maybe it was because we both put way too many expectations on each other. But see… To finally be able to admit it is a good thing, I think.”

Lisa’s heart dropped a bit and she cursed herself inwardly. She was supposed to feel relieved, given that she and Michael were finally on the same page. Yet she couldn’t.

“Our middle ground is attraction, Michael.”

He just nodded his head quietly.

“Say it, then.”

She took a deep breath and soldiered up. There was nothing else to do, after all.

“I think we can fuck, if we want to. Maybe all will be fine as long as we’re here and we can give it a try. We aren’t getting back together, but I like the way you fuck me… And up until a certain level of intimacy, I guess we can function.”

“And then? What happens when this is over? What happens if we cross those boundaries and intimacy just happens?”

His voice was calm. Devoid of any apparent emotion. Part of Lisa knew that it was because he hated it when she reduced what they shared to less than what it actually was or had been. So she decided to carefully avoid his second question.

“We are in the same place where we were months ago, Mike. Nothing has really changed. So… when we leave and this is over, we can go back to our lives.” Her hand found his hair and caressed it. It was soft to the touch – familiar. “I think it’s the best we can do. Unless you don’t want it… How do you feel about that?”

Once again, Michael waited for a bit. She saw him blink several times in a row like he would usually do when he was torn about something or wasn’t really sure about what to do.

Then he took her hand, and rested it back on himself as he kissed her again.